Why can't I be just a mother??!! "AP vs.Mainstreem Parents" - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 301 Old 04-02-2004, 07:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
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No, I don't breastfeed! Ds is exclusively formula fed. Why is he formula fed and not breastfeed? I (nor any other mother who does not breastfeed) should have to justify her reasons not to, nor should she be *judged* for it either. And before a person *judges* a mother who does not breastfeed, THINK about the possibility of potential health issues that may PREVENT her from doing so and how bad she me feel because she is NOT ABLE to.
And do I love my son any less? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

DS wears *gasp* disposable diapers! Do I love him any less? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Have DH and I ever gone on a 2 hour date without DS (who was in the care of MY MOTHER WHO RAISED ME)? Yes. Do we love him any less? NO.

ANYONE who says they do not (on occassion) need a break is LYING. EVERY parent gets overwhelmed at times.

However, just because a parent (MOTHER OR FATHER) takes a break from their child DOES NOT MEAN they love them anyless.

Attachment Parenting VS.Mainstream Parents-This has got to be the most unfair labeling of parents (besides SAHM vs. WM) I have ever seen. I am very upset how indiviuals have deemed AP as the ONLY way to parent. I may do the complete opposite of most mothers on this board

I formula feed, disposable diaper wear,vaccinate, take DS to his well baby checkups EVERY 3 MONTHS, and *GASP* WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME!

But do I love my son any less? NO, I love him more than life itself and NO one can tell me the hell different!
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#2 of 301 Old 04-02-2004, 07:18 PM
 
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I'm sorry you are feeling defensive and attacked. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone, but perhaps you would feel more comfortable at another board? There are so many places for parents online, there's bound to be one where you DO feel at home. MDC is a great place, for me, but I have friends who would not be at home here. Everyone has a niche, you just need to find yours.
If you do continue to come here, maybe you should just not enter the forums for breastfeeding, diapering and vaccination. That still leaves you with food, general babycare, parenting issues, health, politics/social causes, and general chit-chat stuff. That's a lot.
Hope you find what you're looking for.
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#3 of 301 Old 04-02-2004, 07:29 PM
 
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i'm a new member here and i just don't understand posts like the OP.

i don't go on a KKK messageboard and ask them to stop being racist. maybe that's not a fair comparison, but I don't know...
The OP isn't going to change things for her way of thinking here any more than I would reforming the racist attitudes at the KKK board, KWIM?
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#4 of 301 Old 04-02-2004, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Elphaba-thank you for your honest reply. But I disagree with you, you see..I am apart of this board... it is called Mothering because that is what I am: a mother.
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#5 of 301 Old 04-02-2004, 07:38 PM
 
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I understand what you are saying about being a mother, but this is the description of these boards from the Rules Forum:
I added the italics.
Quote:
The MotheringDotCommune discussion boards serve an online community of parents considering, learning and practicing attachment parenting and natural family living.
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#6 of 301 Old 04-02-2004, 07:47 PM
 
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Well put! I am a sahm of two, considering hs, and I bf. On the other hand, I use disposable diapers and a stroller, but I am not offended or angered nor do I feel attacked by other people's parenting.
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#7 of 301 Old 04-02-2004, 08:56 PM
 
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Hello newmommy. Please know that there are lots of different types of mommies here, but there are some central ideas. Those of us who deviate from some of them find there are threads that make us mad and we may just ignore them. For example, I breastfed but weaned earlier than many here, and my kids got some formula because I couldn't pump enough . I disposable diaper and am entirely comfortable with that. I also vax and go to well baby checks. And I work PT outside the home. That makes me a little outside of "Mothering's mainstream". I come here because I'm totally committed to gentle discipline and "respectful" childrearing. I will confess that I don't even enter some of the forums here. And some threads I don't read past the first couple of entries because I know I'll just get more annoyed than I need to.

I too think that some people here get a little more judgemental of others than I would like. I truly believe we are all after the same goal, but some of us have made different choices about how to get there. If you share the goal of raising children in a way that respects them, without violence, with love and through the basic tenets of attachment parenting, then this is a good resource. But, in honesty, you may have to develop a pretty thick skin to ignore the implied judgement on some of your other choices.
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#8 of 301 Old 04-02-2004, 09:23 PM
 
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I'm new here as well, but came to these boards through Mothering Magazine, so I knew of the parenting philosophy behind the boards before I ever posted one word here. My parenting practices fit the philosophy: co-sleeping, babywearing, extended nursing (first one self weaned at 3 1/2, second one will do the same), gentle discipline, child-centered household. This is not a "catch all" parenting board (i.e. Babycenter or the now departed Labor of Love), and you will not necessarily find a home here if your parenting ideas are not in line with the objectives of the magazine. Newmommy - if you haven't already done so, I suggest you pick up a copy of Mothering and decide if the content of the magazine suits you before coming here to complain about the judgemental nature of the moms posting at MDC.

Tabitha ~ devoted wife to my best friend Stephen ribbonyellow.gif and gentle Christian mom to six DSs: notes.gif E - 2/09/00REPlaySkateboard04HL.gifA - 3/05/03superhero.gifA- 6/05/06 guitar.gif H- 2/07/08 jog.gif J - 11/14/10 bouncy.gif T - 8/23/12 + stork-suprise.gif due 9/20/14!  brokenheart.gif DD Janae 10/19/09 angel2.gif
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#9 of 301 Old 04-02-2004, 09:56 PM
 
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I am very upset how indiviuals have deemed AP as the ONLY way to parent.
I can understand your point here, but MDC is a board specifically designed for AP type parenting. It does not mean that that is the only way to parent, but it does mean that the people who frequent these boards are AP type parents and so our views and parenting styles reflect that. Just because we are called "Mothering" does not mean that ALL mothers necessarilly belong here, nor does it mean that ONLY mothers belong here.
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#10 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 12:34 AM
 
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What everyone else said. This is a natural/AP parenting board specifically for those who do some or all of the following: breastfeed, cosleep, sling wear, cloth diaper, don't or selectively vaccinate, use gentle discipline, do not do CIO, etc, etc. I'm sorry but I do not understand the purpose of your post. Did you read the description of the board? It is called Mothering because it is a subset of Mothering magazine which is a natural/AP magazine, not just because we are mothers. I would never tell someone to leave but posting stuff like this really doesn't make sense to me. We come here because we strongly believe in this stuff. We are not saying you don't love your child but you will not be able to convince anyone on here that formula feeding is just a choice one makes or other similar issues. There are many wonderful boards out there that are more in tune with your parenting philosophies.

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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#11 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 12:38 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by newmommy


ANYONE who says they do not (on occassion) need a break is LYING. EVERY parent gets overwhelmed at times.

I HAVE to comment on this. I DO NOT need a break. My son is 10 months old and has spent no more than 1 hour TOTAL away from me. That hour was spread out over these 10 months for me to run to the corner store or what not, while my DH watched him. But he has never EVER been left with anyone else, not for a minute. I feel no need to "get a break". I feel the time I get to "myself" after he goes to bed to be enough of a break (and he goes to bed as late as 11pm some nights). As for "our" time? DH and I use the time after he going to bed as his time, my time and our time.

Does this make me a better mother? NO! But it is the choice that is best for me.

So for you to say that anyone that says that is lying is VERY judgmental and simply not true. And you are doing the very thing that you accuse others here of doing to you.

Nicki wife to Rich, Mama to 7 y/o DS, and a beautiful Princess Aug 2010
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#12 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 01:44 AM
 
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Ditto what everyone else is saying. This board promotes and encourages AP parenting/natural family living. If these are things do not mesh with how you parent or are not things that you want to learn more about, there are plenty of other parenting boards out there.

I have found, though, that this board accepts and welcomes lots of different mothering choices-it's not all one way or the highway. But there are some core beliefs (for lack of a better word) that many seem to agree on.
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#13 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 02:16 AM
 
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Ditto to much of the above.

Just wanted to add that some issues like diapering may be passions to some, but there are many people here who never frequent the diapering forum and certianly don't feel judged for not using cloth.

Now, I am a cloth convert, since coming to mdc, but before I made the change I certainly never felt judged.

As for formula, you will find that in general mums here are very understanding of the fact that there are reasons for people having to formula feed. You won't, however, find many who approve of those who just make that 'choice'.

re working, there are many working parents here.

Re lying about not needing a break, well, I must be a good liar. But I dont condemn anyone else for needing one.

Re vacc, a lot of people here do vacc and do go to well baby checks. Their choice.

I do hope that you either find a better understanding of what mdc is, or find a board where you fit more comfortably.
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#14 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 02:41 AM
 
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There was a time when I could've written newmommy's original post. When I had my first daughter I didn't know there was such a thing as AP. I thought motherhood was all about Parenting magazine, limited BF, taking baby to bed with you only as last resort, disposable diapers. I actually called LLL in hopes they could help me get DD off BF and onto bottles full of formula before I went back to work full time (when DD was 3 months old) and was furious when they tried to talk me into continuing nursing. (!) How DARE they suggest that my choices weren't the right way! But as I got more experienced with parenting, I found more and more that I didn't "fit in" with a lot of the mainstream--those articles in Parenting were way too shallow, I often brought DD in bed with me just because I missed her during the workday and wanted more time with her, even if we were both asleep. I began wishing I'd nursed longer than three months. I could never leave her alone to cry. I had no desire to leave her to have time to myself, and preferred the three of us going out rather than just DH and me. I didn't know there was a name for this type of parenting til I read Mothering magazine one day and saw the term AP. Still, the first few issues of Mothering I read, I thought, "wow, these people are zealots." But I also found it very comforting. I'm still probably more middle-of-the-road than a lot of the mamas on these boards, but I feel a lot of kinship here. I regret not doing more AP with my DDs when they were babies, and now that they're 7 and almost 5, I fight on some level every day to reduce the "noise" in our lives so we can just be close as a family. We also are natural foodies, we maintain a somewhat pedestrian lifestyle in our suburban neighborhood and we feel like outcasts in our community to some degree because we eat brown food, we walk, we say no thank you to overscheduling, we're more interested in a kind kindergarten teacher than an academic one . . . Newmommy, if these boards upset you, or make you feel defensive, maybe try a different type of parenting board. Or just lurk around in here for awhile (as I did for several months before I ever dared post a message), reading with your mind open. I've found some great wisdom here, even in forums I never thought I belonged in.
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#15 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 04:09 AM
 
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It's like going to a breastfeeding site and getting upset that they're promoting and discussing breastfeeding. That's what the site is geared towards. Just skip over those that may not apply, it's a very helpful place if you decide to stick around and there is a good mix here.I breastfeed, cosleep, clothdiaper, babywear BUT I also use a sitter sometimes, loVE meat and my son attends school. Does that mean I shouldn't be here, don't know but a few negative posts on the things I do wouldn't change my mind or anger me unless I felt I was doing something wrong.
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#16 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 11:17 AM
 
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This is an AP board, if you are looking for support for the totality of mainstream parenting decisions then there are many many places for that. There are few AP support forums, this happens to be one of them.
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#17 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 11:36 AM
 
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newmommy!

I just wanted to offer you support. As the others said this board is very AP/NP so most of the people here do bf, cosleep, etc. I think it's a santuary from other boards where people talk about their babies CIO until they vomit and give a good swat when the toddler is acting up.

I also bottlefeed my baby. First one was becuase I coudn't bf, second baby was by my own choice, and after I stopped pumping last week she now gets formula. It was something I had to work through in my heart to feel comfortable with, and I haven't gotten one negative comment here from anyone. I'm still very supportive of bfing and know it's absolutely the best thing in the world, but if you can't/don't do it, you can still be a loving mommy.

I also vaccinate my children. Again it was a choice dh and I made after seeing both sides of the debate. I totally respect those who choose not to vax and can support them even if choose to vax my own kids. I still learn a lot from reading the threads.

I need a break from my kids sometimes. I never left my oldest with anyone until she was 2.5 years old. But then I had another baby and yeah, I need a break. Dh gets home very late so I take the kids and drop them at childwatch at the Y and workout for awhile and get my break. I think motherhood is about finding balance, and for some they don't need a break and others do. I think what I'd have a problem with is someone leaving their baby for a whole week to go on a cruise. But it's not a crime to need a break from the kids once in awhile.

I come here because I am *mostly* AP and NP. My baby sleeps in a cosleeper, my baby's in cloth diapers, I bottlefeed with love and no one but me feeds her except dh will do one feeding at night. I wear her close to me and hold her alot and don't ever let her CIO. So I get a lot of support here for those things. I can also post problem in Gentle Discipline and get good ideas for how to parent my 3yo when it gets challenging. I've made friends here, I've come here and read about different spiritual beliefs and practices and am amazed at how people can be so respectful of each other even with so many differences among us.

Yeah, you get the occasional ugly thread. I just ignore those and hold my head high and make no excuses for some of the decisons I've made. If I ever feel judged I just remember that they don't know me or my family or situation so they can just take their judgements where the sun doesn't shine.

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#18 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 12:10 PM
 
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Even though I formula feed and vaccinate my twin boys I think this is a great website, I can often relate to many people's issues here. Its a great place for advice and stories and helped me to foray into the world of cloth diapering a month ago. So I am sure newmommy is getting something out of this board if she is coming here and shouldnt be discouraged from being here. I visit this site several times a day for relaxation and entertinment and to learn new things, and then once in a while, kablammo! there is a snide remark about formula. It used to really bother me when my hormones were still out of wack.

dena
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#19 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 12:17 PM
 
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I think you can get a lot out of being here whether you call youself ap or mainstream...

But you have to realize this board is directed at those who practice ap and natural family living.

While I do practice a lot of these things, I have learned to stay out of forums that don't apply to me or that make me upset... I don't go anywhere near the vaccinations forum anymore, for example, even though I partially/delay vax.

You will find that people here are like people anywhere.. some are indeed judgemental and holier-than-thou.. some are kind and open-minded and gentle. Such is the way of the world.

I suggest you read and post on the forums where you feel comfortable and see if you feel better.

If not.. there are plenty of other boards.
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#20 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 01:10 PM
 
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Those of us that do AP (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, babywearing, cloth diapering, etc.) don't fit in on most other boards because no one else is doing what we do. Mothering is a great place where we can find support and learn from each other. We have reasons for why we have chosen to parent the way we parent, and I think it is only fair that we be able to enjoy a place where we can talk with other like-minded moms. It's not fair for you to want us to do things your way any more than it is for us to expect you to do things our way. This is a support board for AP parents, and if that's not how you chose to parent, there are many other boards out there to choose from.

Tana, wife to Steve (5/02), mom to Ben (7/03), Joey (10/06) and Caroline (9/09)
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#21 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 03:14 PM
 
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I think you've misunderstood a little of what is written here. I don't breastfeed because my daughter is alergic to casein and had I known I wouln't have breastfed my ds either. I do use disposable diapers too. And I don't care what anyone says about their style of parenting, since my kids are on the spectrum my style is pretty darned different from most moms here. Yet the same concers about how much dicipline and what kind and nutrition and the chemicals in the environment and how to avoid them, these things are important to me too. I think you are feeling picked on without reason.

Your choice is your choice but you might learn a lot from some of the moms on mothering. I have. So welcome to be who you are and of course I know you love your babe just as much as the rest of us. Pampers don't make you a bad mommie any more than cloth makes someone else a good mommie. The love that you feel makes you a mom nothing else. Welcome.
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#22 of 301 Old 04-03-2004, 03:25 PM
 
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But I disagree with you, you see..I am apart of this board... it is called Mothering because that is what I am: a mother.

No, it is called "Mothering", because that is the name of the magazine. A magazine that advocates AP parenting. If you haven't ever read the magazine, pick one up, and you will see where these forums are coming from. I read "Parenting" magazine, but just because I disagree with some of the things they advocate, does not mean I am not a parent, or a darn good one.

These boards are here to provide support in the areas that are needed in parenting, specifically, AP parenting. I agree with most here, take what you need from the boards that apply to your life situation...and stay away from the ones that you disagree with.

Edited to add:
Here is another Parenting Forum that you may like as well, although Mothering is still the best IMHO no matter what style of parenting you chose.
http://www.women-together.com/yabbse/index.php?board=96

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#23 of 301 Old 04-04-2004, 12:56 AM
 
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I agree that not all of us will do everything that is featured in the forums. But when I see new members who say they formula feed by choice and think bf is gross, CIO, spank, don't believe homebirth is safe for anyone, always listen to the doctor, think babies need to spend most of their time alone, think homeschooling should be illegal, etc. - all of that stuff at once - I just wonder what made them want to join this board, and how they found it in the first place. I've seen a few people like that around here, and they don't last long. They always comment on how no one here supports their choices and generally have something nasty to say before they leave.

There are things on this board that I don't agree with because I'm more "mainstream" and also things that I don't agree with because I think they are not "alternative" enough, but it's been a good board. I've tried others and just never stuck with them. I'm really glad MDC is here!
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#24 of 301 Old 04-04-2004, 01:08 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by emmasayshi
I think you've misunderstood a little of what is written here. I don't breastfeed because my daughter is alergic to casein and had I known I wouln't have breastfed my ds either.
T But I'm not sure I understand this. Casein is a dairy (milk) product, isn't it?

Don't want to highjack - I'm just confused. :
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#25 of 301 Old 04-04-2004, 03:10 AM
 
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And assuming that newmommy has not run screaming as far as she possibly can from MDC.......... if anyone had bothered to go check her previous posts, you might make fewer assumptions about her 'AP credentials'......... She's not mainstream. And she's struggled with PND/anxiety stuff.

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#26 of 301 Old 04-04-2004, 04:58 AM
 
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Yeah, I actually did look at her previous posts and thought she could be in the right place to get some support for what she's doing and what she's going through. I think perhaps she didn't realize that MDC is pretty specifically for people who KNOW they subscribe to an AP style. I know for me, labeling myself a certain type of parent still doesn't come easily. I'm a cafeteria APer and a cafeteria mainstreamer: I take what I want and leave the rest. Sometimes my choices leave me feeling a little . . . unsettled, uncertain, defensive, out of the ordinary. But most of the time I am pretty confident, and at over 40 years of age, I'm not willing to get too riled up about what others may think of my choices. I do hope newmommy sticks around (and resists the urge to shout at people in big caps). There's a lot of support here.
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#27 of 301 Old 04-04-2004, 07:54 PM
 
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Ditto, dragonfly... I have a dd that had milk allergy and I agree with your post. (She's outgrown it, btw.)

As for other comments about what the OP said... if she's never read Mothering Mag, perhaps this site seemed too radical. I love these forums and am probably a better mother for them in some ways, but just as crazy as things like FFing and CIO-ing may be for the majority of us here, I'm sure mainstream moms think we are just as crazy.
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#28 of 301 Old 04-04-2004, 08:33 PM
 
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Based on her other posts on other threads...........sounds like OP is searching and calling out for help.

I hope you find it newmommy......
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#29 of 301 Old 04-04-2004, 09:51 PM
 
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I am very sorry that you are feeling attacked on these boards for your parenting choices. I am not aware of any posts that have claimed you must love your children less if you use disposable diapers, if you use formula, etc.

If anybody attacks you that way they are in violation of the User Agreement and such posts should be brought to the attention of a moderator. We do not stand for personal attacks like that on these boards.

I see by searching your other posts that you have been facing many hardships and obstacles. It's no wonder you are feeling frustrated. But I have to say (respectfully this time) that I don't feel it is fair to blame the members of this board for your insecurities about your parenting choices. I have seen nothing but love and support from the mamas of this board towards any mama who is struggling with the ideal of the "perfect parent" and the reality of being human, and an individual.

edited to change my tone

teapot2.GIF Homeschooling, Homesteading Mama to DD ('02) and DS ('04)  ribbonjigsaw.gif blogging.jpg homeschool.gif

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#30 of 301 Old 04-04-2004, 10:54 PM
 
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Tina ~ SAHcarrot.gif- head Mama to - 

  DS blowkiss.gif(07/'03), DD energy.gif(05'05), DS, unplanned UC sleepytime.gif(01/'09), DD joy.gif(06/'11) ...

SURPRISE!  dizzy.gifNew little one, due Sept. 2013

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