Things dad gets to do that mom doesn't - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 07:49 AM
 
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No one is stopping anyone from doing any of the things listed except mothers themselves. Seriously. Just do it. If you are blessed with a partner....seriously, the only thing that stopd you from having a shower in peace or yoga class or cup of coffee with a friend is the society imposed martyrdom.

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#62 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 07:59 AM
 
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I disagree.

 

It's not me that prevents me from having an unmolested bath. When I was married, it was my husband. Not me. There's nothing I can do from in the tub that stops the children from banging on the door. And now, it's still not me, because I'm single. There is no magic time where I can be alone in a quiet house to take a bath without children banging on the door. Please don't accuse me of being a martyr simply because there's no one here to assist me with bathtime. The only time I can take a bath unmolested is in the middle of the night, and even then, it might wake a child up, who'd come a-knockin'


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#63 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 08:58 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Alenushka View Post

No one is stopping anyone from doing any of the things listed except mothers themselves. Seriously. Just do it. If you are blessed with a partner....seriously, the only thing that stopd you from having a shower in peace or yoga class or cup of coffee with a friend is the society imposed martyrdom.


I also have to disagree. Not everyone who is blessed with a partner has a partner who simply works 9-5 and then comes home. There's no way dh and I could've BOTH worked outside the home when the kids were little. I would've gotten fired from any job I had with as many sick days as I would've had to take for the kids. He traveled so much and worked lots and lots of 15 hour days. He also worked many weekends. It was sacrifices we were both making for the good of our family. By me taking on all that responsibility, he was able to get himself into a really good position. It was difficult for BOTH of us. I never had any time to myself, and he missed out on a lot with the kids. It's fine to vent about this type of thing. Trust me. I did it all the time back then! smile.gif Things change when the kids get older. It's much easier now than it was then. For dh and me. His job (all that hard work earned him the position of president of the company) is more flexible and the kids and I are all in school now. Life is good because we made those sacrifices early on.

 

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#64 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 09:07 AM
 
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And for me, there simply is no DH. There is only me and whatever babysitters I can afford to pay, when they are available.


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#65 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 10:41 AM
 
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Originally Posted by moonfirefaery View Post

And for me, there simply is no DH. There is only me and whatever babysitters I can afford to pay, when they are available.



Exactly. Every family is different and therefore it isn't always possible for equality in childcare and household responsibilities. My bff is a single mama so I see first-hand just how difficult that is. It's quite silly to paint this subject with a broad brush, assuming that everyone has the same opportunities.

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#66 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 10:44 AM
 
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And for me, there simply is no DH. There is only me and whatever babysitters I can afford to pay, when they are available.



She said "if you're blessed with a partner." 


It's us: DH , DS ; DD ; and me . Also there's the . And the 3 . I . Oh, and .
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#67 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 11:13 AM
 
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DH gets 3 hours of free time between dropping of DS at school and going to work. Three. Whole. Hours.  Granted, this is just how things work out with our work schedules and he often spends that time doing house projects. But OMG, three whole hours of free time. I could drool. Meanwhile, I have to get up at an unholy hour of the morning if I want to exercise.

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#68 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 11:14 AM
 
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I have to say, too, that it isn't always true just because you "have a partner".  It's not just mothers not doing what they want to do.  My dh can work incredibly long hours, and often our life comes down to strictly needs, not wants.  That was even more true when my first two were little.  I was not technically alone, but I was for a good deal of the time.  I didn't get showers for days on end, and did very little of my own choosing.  We had a sick baby, no family, and he had very little time for help.  It wasn't all roses in those days.  And it wasn't of my own making. 

 


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#69 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 11:14 AM
 
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I missed that line, my apologies

 

But even with a partner, it's still not martyrdom. If your partner is frequently gone, or is just not interested in being a coparent/coadult/etc like mine became, you're still on your own.


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#70 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 01:15 PM
 
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Well,

 

 Unless your kids are younger than...2 ...why not simply explain to them what will happen if they knock on your door?

 

There has to be a cosnequnece for rude behaviour and interrupting someone's bath for non emergecy reason is rude behaviour.

 

I make it very clear to my DH and my children that if I do nto ahve certain amount time for myself, tehy can forget about ahving happy, fuctional and engaged mother. It acutalyl works to be assertice about one's needs

 

 

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#71 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 01:16 PM
 
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If you do something because you love doing it it is not a sacrafice.

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#72 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 01:26 PM
 
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Believe me, I've explained it to them and followed through. It doesn't deter them. Like most 5 and 3 year-olds, they're just not very good at self-supervision. shrug.gif  He hit me, he took my toy, he's in my way, I need a drink, I have to pee/poop, I'm hungry, I think someone's at the door, I'm scared of something... Even when they're not banging on the door, I can hear all this going on down the hall. I'm not hard-wired to just ignore them for 20 minutes aside from emergencies. If I want a quiet bath, it's got to be when they're sleeping, not home, or supervised by a visitor.

 

If there's a magic trick to get children not to be rude, not to fight with one another, not to come knock on my door for every little thing... I'd love to take that class! But if it was as simple as explaining something to them (can you really explain anything to a 3 year-old?) my problem would have been solved 50 baths ago lol


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#73 of 84 Old 04-12-2011, 02:07 PM
 
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(I'm a SAHM, dp WAH)

 

He gets to run childless errands on a whim. Just like "oh, I'm going to the grocery store." When I want to do something, I have to plan it in advance, and make sure he's not busy so he can watch the kids. This is my biggest issue. I just want to be able to up and go without planning ahead.

 

Along the same lines, he can just decide to have a nap. If I want a nap, I have to plan ahead and make sure he's available to watch ds2.

 

He gets to stay in bed when ds2 wakes up in the middle of the night. This is only partially his fault though. Ds2 currently would totally freak out if dp tried to comfort him at night. (like sobbing hysterically to the point that he can't breathe well.) He also doesn't get up with ds2 when he gets up earlier than usual. Ds2 would be totally fine with that.

 

Oh- he can get cleaning done when he's watching ds2. Ds2 is totally not as clingy/needy with dp as he is with me. That's not dp's fault at all.


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#74 of 84 Old 04-13-2011, 10:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moonfirefaery View Post

I disagree.

 

It's not me that prevents me from having an unmolested bath. When I was married, it was my husband. Not me. There's nothing I can do from in the tub that stops the children from banging on the door. And now, it's still not me, because I'm single. There is no magic time where I can be alone in a quiet house to take a bath without children banging on the door. Please don't accuse me of being a martyr simply because there's no one here to assist me with bathtime. The only time I can take a bath unmolested is in the middle of the night, and even then, it might wake a child up, who'd come a-knockin'

the bolded made me laugh!  only cuz i'm pretty sure this would happen if i had the gall to bathe in the middle of the night! orngtongue.gif

 

for me, things have changed drastically (for the better!) since dd2 was born.  it took me telling him that i would rather be a single mother to 1 than be married with 2 (meaning dh & dd1).  shortly after that discussion, i became pregnant with dd2 and flat out told him that if he didn't step up, i would leave.  well, dd2 is almost 3 months old and i'm still here!  it's still a work in progress, but at least he's working on it.  still........

 

i would love, love, love, love it if the dishes would get done without me having to do them!  you know, if the "dishes fairy"  came in the middle of the night and waved her magic wand?  yeah, that would be wonderful.  as it is, if i don't do them, they just sit there until i do. *sigh*

 

and it would be delicious if i got to really sleep in.  we cosleep - dd2 in our bed & dd1 in her own bed in our room and as it is, dh only gets up with dd1.  so i still wake up about 14 times to nurse, burp, etc dd2.  but when it's dh's turn to sleep in, i take both kids.  ahhhhh, one day i will no longer have a lo attached to my boob.  one day. 


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#75 of 84 Old 04-13-2011, 10:51 AM
 
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Nothing. He doesn't get to do anything because he works full time to support us and is also taking online college classes for his computer science degree. When he has free time, he cleans the house, mows the lawn, takes the dog out or bathes her, fixes things, runs errands with me, etc. I feel bad for him. I mean, I don't have time to do much, either, but at least I get to sit there and nurse the baby while he does other things that need to be done.

 

Oh, and I do NOT begrudge him playing a few hours of video games. Men need to de-stress, too. He's allowed me to play video games or takes the baby in the morning so I can sleep longer. 

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#76 of 84 Old 04-13-2011, 10:57 AM
 
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All I have to say is...You have GOT to get a kindle.  I LOVE my kindle.  Totally changed my life.  I couldn't really read a book anymore because nursing and page turning is impossible.  The sound and movement ALWAYS wakes my babies up.  But, with my kindle, I can read anything anywhere, and one handed, too.  There are children's stories you can get, too.  So, sometimes, when I'm standing up nursing a fussy baby who won't let me sit, I put my older kids in their beds and dance the baby in the middle of the room and they can STILL get a bedtime story.  Ah, I LOVE my kindle.



Yeah, that^^^^^^ I read constantly, although sometimes it distracts DD cuz she wants to look at it, too.

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#77 of 84 Old 04-13-2011, 02:23 PM
 
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I agree completely!

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All of that stuff and more.. but I try to keep it in perspective... I COULD read while he puts the kid to bed, I COULD work full time, I COULD take showers alone, I COULD eat meals all the way through.... but because I'm a SAHM and I still nurse it makes having more parental equality equal.  There is no real reason why it can't be my husband who does bedtime and night wakings and all child bathing and the bulk of the childcare so I have more time for reading/games/bathroom alone... it is just how our life ended up based on things that are important to me which is nursing on command until child led weaning and being a SAHM.  We fell into a routine of my being the main parent always with a child around because of mainly those two things.  Honestly, I think sometimes DH is jealous that I AM the main parent, the one kiddo will follow to the bathroom all the time and the one kiddo will go to sleep for and the one kiddo does better with alone for stretches of time (such as when husband is out with friends)  I'd love the freedom he has sometimes but I'm not sure it's completely better on the other side.  I'd have to give up different things and change how my child is parented for it.



 


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#78 of 84 Old 04-13-2011, 02:31 PM
 
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This thread makes me want to flip it around, which certainly does put it into perspective...

 

things mom gets to do that dad doesn't:

 

be there at Awards Day

drop by for lunch at school

pick kids up early from daycare

read bedtime stories

be the recipient of the prettiest flower in the park

pet the lizard, insect, or other small animal that has been caught

wake up to kids sprawled all over me

teach Corbin to play World of Warcraft

 

the list goes on. and makes me smile. but also makes me kind of sad.


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#79 of 84 Old 04-13-2011, 02:35 PM
 
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I remember feeling "trapped" with DS when he was nursing. DH just couldn't handle DS's attachment to me, would attempt to distract and spend time with DS alone, but DS always wanted me. Once DS was weaned, DH was able to step in much easier. Now they spend hours together on the weekend while I go do other stuff. So, I always try to remind myself, that during that time, babies need mama and that it will pass. I know obvoiusly not everyone feels that way, and if DH were more aggressive in his approach to spending time with baby sans mama, I'd certainly appreciate it, but I don't expect it.

Quote:
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I see her point too but I am right there with you.  I could have sworn that I wrote what you did! 

 

It literally breaks DH's heart not to be lactating (lol) and when the boys are together without me (not often, say 4 hours a week) they are just perfect together.  DS (22 months) will sign for milk and DH explains that his do not work and DS will look at his hands like "why don't you understand" or "am I doing the wrong sign?" ....  kinda funny.   And trust me, he was nursed prior to my departure and is not in need at that time. 

 

I think after DS weans himself DH will be able to be more of a parent to him.  Not saying he isn't now, he is a fantastic father, I just feel that he will be able to help more in the ways that he wants to be able to. 



 


DH(9/04) DS(12/08) and DD(5/11)

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#80 of 84 Old 04-13-2011, 07:59 PM
 
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I appreciate all the balance in everyone's posts, DH misses out too, etc..  BUT in the spirit of the original vent, I soooooo miss: Reading (non parenting books), drinking a full cup of hot coffee, and many other things.  It's definately ok to vent and get it out before resentment breeds. Love my DH, he's an amazing and very involved dad, but let's face it there is some imbalance in early parenthood and it's ok to say it out loud. Hang in everyone, love yourself, your kids and that well meaning SO! 


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#81 of 84 Old 04-13-2011, 08:24 PM
 
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I'm envious that my DP can get tattooed, that he is living in his own body rather than with an achey, grumpy pregnant host body and that he can grab a drink after work. 


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#82 of 84 Old 04-13-2011, 10:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by moonfirefaery View Post

This thread makes me want to flip it around, which certainly does put it into perspective...

 

things mom gets to do that dad doesn't:

 

teach Corbin to play World of Warcraft

 


This goes on my list of things I don't want to do, but end up having to do because my husband won't do it.  We've basically gotten to the point where if we help her, and she just gets angry and frustrated with the game, and we make her log off.  It's just not worth it.

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#83 of 84 Old 04-14-2011, 04:56 AM
 
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When Corbin gets frustrated he just rolls a new toon! lol.gif


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#84 of 84 Old 04-14-2011, 05:49 AM
 
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Yeah I agree with pretty much that whole list.

My husband gets to play video games and read without interruptions. 
My husband can go out and get a haircut any time he wants.

He can sleep through the night, when he chooses to. The rest of the time, he can stay up until 2am, get up at 5am and know he can get a nap after work.
He can go out with his buddies without needing childcare.
Shopping, for him, doesn't require distracting little hands from shiny breakable things or trying to get the little one to stop screaming when you do so.
He can clean without a trail of tornadoes undoing everything he just did.
He can workout without waiting for nap time.
He can sit at the computer without a 6 month old trying to type for him.
Meal time means eating a warm meal... not preparing a warm meal, feeding the kids, and then eating a cold meal.

He can eat whatever he wants without worrying about it upsetting the baby's tummy.

Movies are not a fond memory to him but something he just hung out with some friends to watch just the other night.

He can go swimming without the anxiety of the kids getting too close to the deep end. (even though they can swim, I still get anxious)

When the kids are having troubles at school, he only has to hear about it, he doesn't have to deal with it.
He can shower pretty much whenever he wants. Sometimes, he gets TWO showers in one day. Seriously? Jealous.


But... My husband is a Marine who is currently deployed. As tough as it is in my shoes, I wouldn't trade with him for anything because he's missing half of the first year of our daughters life.


Artist, photographer, stay-at-home-mom and Marine wife. Mom to 4; a boy and three little girls.
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