SIL marrying a pedophile RESOLUTION Post 209 - Page 7 - Mothering Forums

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#181 of 213 Old 04-15-2011, 09:46 AM
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I don't see why you're so worried about the OP.  As you've obviously noticed, she doesn't seem to have come back and it's not like she hasn't gotten a lot of good advice.  I think a message board is a perfectly appropriate place to have discussions.

 

 

I'm more worried about how things are going for her...Crazy right on a thread about something like a pedophile living with kids...

I think a message board is a perfectly good place to have discussions too. Discussion relevant to the topic that the OP presents, which is most definitely not whether convicted sex offenders are often falsely convicted and it certainly isn't a place to battle about the semantics of one poster against another. The point of the thread is to help the OP not have other people hash out a stupid (yes it is stupid) debate over who said what. When that happens maybe the OP just sees chaos on the thread and doesn't read it or maybe the rest of us would just like to focus on the topic at hand and not have to wade through pages of people arguing with each other of misquoting or reading into things that are writtenirked.gif
 

 

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#182 of 213 Old 04-15-2011, 09:48 AM
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...
 

 

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#183 of 213 Old 04-15-2011, 09:49 AM
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...double post

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#184 of 213 Old 04-15-2011, 09:49 AM
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..double double post..

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#185 of 213 Old 04-15-2011, 02:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by carfreemama View Post

Someone mentioned that it doesn't sound like he was in prison for that long...

 

Just FTR, my brother was in prison for 7 months. That's it. His crime? Pornographic pictures of his daughter and some other nasty stuff. Denial all around on the part of my family, accusations that his victim was "almost old enough to know better." And on it goes. Actually, IME, the fact that he was convicted and spent jail time at all attests to the probable seriousness of what he did. It's pretty hard to put sex offenders behind bars, at least it was not too long ago here in Canada. He got a long probation, though. And yes, he did reoffend within the same family; or tried to. I just would not take any risks and it is SO easy to say it was a vindictive, false accusation. I have had experience with one family where the man probably WAS falsely accused and that is awful and unforgivable. Even there, though, we still kept at arm's length from the guy. We just couldn't be sure and his own actions didn't make us any more confident.

 

I'm so sorry this whole mess has entered your life.


Totally agree with above.  While I don't want to offend anyone who says they know someone who was unfairly convicted...  In every single case where I have known the facts from the child and other people's points of view and the evidence, I have never in 20+ yrs of working in child welfare seen someone convicted where there was not serious and real evidence against them.  It is almost always the opposite situation: there is real evidence or compelling details from a child and yet still the person walks free.


Be clear: there is a difference between unfair prosecution (where someone files false claims against someone to harass them/make their lives miserable) and actually being convicted of a sex crime against a child.  It takes a LOT to convict someone of a sex crime... often more than it should take.  So I really have a hard time with the idea that there are many people out there wrongly convicted.  Wrongly charged... definitely.  But to go through the whole trial and have evidence submitted and still get wrongly convicted... I have yet to see it happen.

 

OP, aside from much of the advice you've already gotten, if you do stay in touch with your sis at all there is also the possibility that she could have more kids with this guy.  If you ever hear she's pregnant, and you know where she lives, I would contact CPS and let them know that she lives with a convicted, unregistered child molester.  It is critically important that CPS knows (I think they should know about the kids already in the home, your sister's older kids, even if they're older) but it is that much more important with a baby who can't tell anyone anything if anything was ever done to them.

 

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#186 of 213 Old 04-15-2011, 02:45 PM
 
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I don't see why you're so worried about the OP.  As you've obviously noticed, she doesn't seem to have come back and it's not like she hasn't gotten a lot of good advice.  I think a message board is a perfectly appropriate place to have discussions.

 

 


Then start a new thread.  Why muddy this one up?

 

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#187 of 213 Old 04-15-2011, 09:19 PM
 
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Then start a new thread.  Why muddy this one up?

 


I don't see any reason to start a new thread about the person who said that people shouldn't be talking about stuff she didn't want to hear about.  That would just be weird.  Plus, this one was fairly muddy already.  I'm not really worried about mucking it up.  If you'd like to start another thread, though...

 


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#188 of 213 Old 04-15-2011, 09:21 PM
 
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it's so much easier to just use ignore

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#189 of 213 Old 04-16-2011, 05:25 AM
 
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I just feel bad that OP is probably intimidated by all this. All these pages can be overwhelming.


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#190 of 213 Old 04-16-2011, 05:53 AM
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I don't see any reason to start a new thread about the person who said that people shouldn't be talking about stuff she didn't want to hear about.  That would just be weird.  Plus, this one was fairly muddy already.  I'm not really worried about mucking it up.  If you'd like to start another thread, though...

 

It's not that I don't want to hear about it, it is that there a couple people taking over the thread with an inane argument totally irrelevant to the actual original topic. I didn't find the topic muddy and you aren't interested in keeping the thread on the subject of the OP's issues (which is why she posted, it is about her...) then that is your business. I don't think it is out of line to be annoyed that the OP would have a hard time sifting through the junk in this thread if she just wanted some suggestions...Crazy I knoweyesroll.gif

 

I would love to hear an update from the OP because this whole thing has been on my mind...It's not like this couldn't happen to any one of us or someone in our families you know?
 

 

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#191 of 213 Old 04-17-2011, 04:56 PM
 
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Wow this thread grew since the last time I posted.  I am sorry but we as parents do not get the luxury of giving convicted sex offender the benefit of the doubt. If it is truly a case of wrong conviction (which is extremely rare) its one of those too bad, so sad situations. You must put your children first before campaigning over the rights of the very, hardly ever wrongfully accused.

 

Seriously, think about it, think about all the people you have encountered in your life that have been sexually abused, molested or assaulted. How many of those people went to the police, of those people, how many of those accusations went to trial, of those that made it trial, how many of those ended up in convictions?  Can you even think of any? If you can, compare that first number to the last and see how that sits with you.

 

For every false ''daycare scandal'' (that was puppeteered by adults), there are a million cases that never even see the light of day. A million children crying themselves to sleep at night. A million children being terribly harmed in their homes, schools, churches and clubs. 

 

So if you want to sit and play hero for the unsung masses of poor poor wrongly accused child molesters, I am going to think you need better priorities. 

 

Has anyone ever thought that the inevitable chorus that follows any time someone says they know a sex offender/rapist etc of ''WHAT IF THEY ARE INNOCENT!?!?!'' actually is more harmful than good? If teaches children and victims that they will never be believed and so why even bother telling anyone, and it gives the molester more to hide behind to get away with their crimes.

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#192 of 213 Old 04-18-2011, 07:10 AM
 
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Id love to hear an update from the OP if she is still reading this crazy thread.


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#193 of 213 Old 04-18-2011, 10:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Id love to hear an update from the OP if she is still reading this crazy thread.


Yes this.

 

I have nothing more to really add.  Like has already been said the police and or the probation officer should be contacted to make them aware of the situation.  I would prefer to have them be a bit annoyed by being told too often of this situation then risk that no one has informed them of it at all.   If the boys father is involved in any way in their lives he should be informed of the situation too.   The boys should be given lots of love and support so that if they need to report him to someone they feel comfortable doing so.

 

 


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#194 of 213 Old 05-03-2011, 03:16 PM
 
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I hate to be defending a possible pedophile, but there's also the possibility that he HAS updated his address with the powers that be, and that the website just isn't updated.


no harm in calling the police to double check then. why not check all the facts? The stakes are really high here.

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#195 of 213 Old 05-08-2011, 04:40 PM
 
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OP Any news?


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#196 of 213 Old 05-13-2011, 09:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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UPDATE (such as it is) I am the OP and am still catching up on the responses! Wow! Sorry, I had no idea what a pot I stirred then walked away from, lol! I just got busy you know. First, to answer some questions; the person that originally called my DH was his cousin. He (the cousin) and his fiance, mother and uncle had just looked at the website after being tipped of by sil's mother. Now, dh and sil mother has a mental illness, so my first response was dismissive, but when they said go to the website, I did. And it was undeniably him. From the grapevine I heard it was sil's ex (the boys father) that told mil. I know, so complicated. My dh doesn't have much to do with mil due to childhood abuse. I have no idea where he got the information orignally but I don't think it matters, the website speaks for itself. It was him, picture and all and it wasn't an accusation, it was a conviction. Now, I have a cousin who was raped by her step father at a young age and he barely got any jail time, because it is hard to prove, but I was there through all the fall out and I know it happened. I also know his sentence was a slap on the wrist and he is out and trying to contact the family now. So I don't think that a short sentence necesarily means he didn't do it. 

 

From what I got from DH's aunt (who sil was living with at this time), he told sil that it was all made up by his ex wife, so I'm assuming it was his own child. Prior to this, I didn't even know he had a child. Or an ex wife. I don't know if sil did or not. Aunt also said that it was that very night that sil got her clothes and moved in with him. 

 

My dh NEVER liked him from day one, his reason? Because he said that the guy would NEVER look him in the eye. And my step father, who gets along with everyone, told my mom after meeting him that he didn't like him? why? Just didn't. Maybe they have good instincts. I didn't really like him but got no huge dislike vibe. I gave the benefit of the doubt for sil. Knowing what I now know, I wonder if the lack of eye contact was guilt? Because if dh knew what he was thinking about our kids he'd kill him? I don't know. But her kids seem to like him. of course, the youngest is 14 now, they may too old for him and therefore safe. I'm more worried about all her nieces and nephews: her ex comes from a large family and she is till friends with all his sisters and often has thier children with her. And children of friends. I have told everyone that we mutually know. Yes, I considered what if I'm spreading rumors and it was false conviction but decided that NOT spreading it and it's a real conviction was the bigger risk. I sure am glad I know. 

 

I did facebook friend both nephews that are on there and am trying to find out how to contact their dad. Their dad is disabled and lives on a disability check and I think lives with a relative so I have no idea if he is set up to try for custody or not. But I think he needs to. One of sil's boys already witnessed a rape of another boy by their mutual "friends" at a sleepover and was threatened with the same if he told. He was quite for a year, when it came out he had to testify in court. About that time, a close friend of his was killed in a car crash. She has never gotten him therapy. Recently, he has been in trouble with the law for breaking into cars and is on probation then last month he took some drugs a friend handed him and passed out at school and when to the ER. He is now in an alternative school. With all his issues, I just think he, out of them all, is in a very vulnerable position. 

 

She did bring her boys to my 4 year olds bday party last month and dropped them off. I talked to the one I'm most worried about, but he says everything is fine. But I'm not sure if he would tell me or not. I know what town they moved to, but I do not know an actual address. Though after reading some replies, I have an idea about talking to someone at the school or calling the parole board and finding out who his parole officer is and talking to him/her. So I have some ideas now that I didn't before. 

 

I have to say though, as a child who was molested, people don't believe it of the person, because they don't want to. The response is always, "but he's such a nice guy, I don't believe that!" And from my cousin who went through this I know the child is seen by detectives, nurses, doctors, psychatrists, therapists, lawyers, specialist etc. It just doesn't seem likely to me that an 8yr old child could keep up a lie. 


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#197 of 213 Old 05-13-2011, 09:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Totally agree with above.  While I don't want to offend anyone who says they know someone who was unfairly convicted...  In every single case where I have known the facts from the child and other people's points of view and the evidence, I have never in 20+ yrs of working in child welfare seen someone convicted where there was not serious and real evidence against them.  It is almost always the opposite situation: there is real evidence or compelling details from a child and yet still the person walks free.


Be clear: there is a difference between unfair prosecution (where someone files false claims against someone to harass them/make their lives miserable) and actually being convicted of a sex crime against a child.  It takes a LOT to convict someone of a sex crime... often more than it should take.  So I really have a hard time with the idea that there are many people out there wrongly convicted.  Wrongly charged... definitely.  But to go through the whole trial and have evidence submitted and still get wrongly convicted... I have yet to see it happen.

 

OP, aside from much of the advice you've already gotten, if you do stay in touch with your sis at all there is also the possibility that she could have more kids with this guy.  If you ever hear she's pregnant, and you know where she lives, I would contact CPS and let them know that she lives with a convicted, unregistered child molester.  It is critically important that CPS knows (I think they should know about the kids already in the home, your sister's older kids, even if they're older) but it is that much more important with a baby who can't tell anyone anything if anything was ever done to them.

 

I agree with this. I work in early childhood intervention and see a lot of kids who were abused, some severly and often the perpetrator goes unpunished because it is hard to prove. Shaken baby syndrome is almost impossible to convict on, for example. I've seen a child with disabilities caused by severe beatings of the mother while in utero and the dad still had visitation rights. Even though the children ran and hide every time he come to the door. I'm not saying no one could ever be falsely convicted, it just seems more likely that he did it. And I think giving the info to parents and letting them decide for themselves is the best call. I'd feel bad if some people avoided an innocent man based on false info I spread, but I'd feel way way waaaay worse if an innocent child was hurt because I kept said information to myself.
 

 


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#198 of 213 Old 05-13-2011, 09:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Went back to sex offender data base, he served over five years


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#199 of 213 Old 05-14-2011, 01:16 PM
 
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I did facebook friend both nephews that are on there and am trying to find out how to contact their dad. Their dad is disabled and lives on a disability check and I think lives with a relative so I have no idea if he is set up to try for custody or not. But I think he needs to. One of sil's boys already witnessed a rape of another boy by their mutual "friends" at a sleepover and was threatened with the same if he told. He was quite for a year, when it came out he had to testify in court. About that time, a close friend of his was killed in a car crash. She has never gotten him therapy. Recently, he has been in trouble with the law for breaking into cars and is on probation then last month he took some drugs a friend handed him and passed out at school and when to the ER. He is now in an alternative school. With all his issues, I just think he, out of them all, is in a very vulnerable position.

And this was all from stuff that happened *before* the sex abuser entered their lives? So it makes a perfect cover for just about anything the disgusting pervert wanted to do to the boy?

 

If I were you (or anyone else who knows any of this IRL instead of online) I'd call his school up and tell them that his mother is planning to marry a man on the sex offender registry and to keep their eyes open to changes in behavior.

 

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#200 of 213 Old 05-15-2011, 06:11 AM
 
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you need to call the cops now. weather you or the dad can get custody doesnt matter, the authorities need to know where he is and make sure he is not in settings with tons of kids like baseball games or public pools. please call the cops asap. the kids he lives with might be too old for him but once a pedophile always a pedophile. he will find another kid

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#201 of 213 Old 05-17-2011, 02:09 PM
 
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OP,
If you dont want to call the cops, Im sure there are about 50 of us here that would do it for you. The only information the cops need is his name, his new address, and that he is a convicted sex offender living with children.

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#202 of 213 Old 05-17-2011, 02:39 PM
 
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OP,
If you dont want to call the cops, Im sure there are about 50 of us here that would do it for you. The only information the cops need is his name, his new address, and that he is a convicted sex offender living with children.

Yep, many of us would.

Good luck and do the right thing! Protect those kids.
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#203 of 213 Old 05-24-2011, 03:48 PM
 
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OP,
If you dont want to call the cops, Im sure there are about 50 of us here that would do it for you. The only information the cops need is his name, his new address, and that he is a convicted sex offender living with children.


agreed!
 

 

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#204 of 213 Old 05-26-2011, 05:08 PM
 
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HOW could you NOT have already called the cops? It's NOT JUST your children and your nephews or your family at risk here!


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#205 of 213 Old 05-26-2011, 09:53 PM
 
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OP, I'm not trying to be awful, but imagine how you would feel is said sex offender molested or otherwise sexually assaulted your SIL's kids? I get that with family, it can be dicey, but is that something you really want to risk? Please, take time to really think on this.  Who matters most here? Your SIL's feelings, or these innocent children who may be at risk? Could you really live with that fact that maybe, just maybe a call to the cops could have prevented a child from being abused? I'm not trying to place it all on your shoulders, but realistically speaking, you may be the only one to stand up for these kids.  Please, please re-think your position. 


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#206 of 213 Old 06-01-2011, 01:20 PM
 
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OP I'm glad you found my post helpful.  And I'd just like to add something to all the pleas above to go ahead and call the police.

 

At this stage, knowing he's convicted and served 5 yrs, it is pretty much a one in a million chance that he didn't do what he was convicted of.  Please do NOT focus on the fact that your SIL wants to believe it was all lies and he didn't do anything - again, it's almost unheard of to actually be convicted and for there to not have been a ton of evidence against the defendent.  It's almost always the horrific opposite: lots of evidence but still the person walks free.

 

Assume this guy did what he was convicted of and start there.  An entire court system and trial found him guilty - why would you (or anyone else here) second guess that SO STRONGLY That you would not call the police and let them know where he is and about the situation? 

 

And don't assume for a second that just because the kids in the home are older that they are safe.  Never underestimate the power of "grooming" - developing a relationship and charming kids into trusting the abuser so that they doubt their own instincts when things get ugly.  Also, pedophiles usually tell their victims that bad things will happen if they tell anyone, and older kids can be influenced by that as well.

 

OP you are right to tell people you know that know your SIL and have contact with her.  Please go that step further and contact probation or the registry of sex offenders with your concerns and info.  You may be helping numerous kids to be safer by reporting him. 

 

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#207 of 213 Old 06-23-2011, 03:22 PM
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I was just wondering if there was any new news on this.


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#208 of 213 Old 06-23-2011, 03:51 PM
 
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Wow, I just read this whole thread. I'm truly hoping that the boys are alright and maybe sil wised up and got away from the pedophile.


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#209 of 213 Old 01-12-2013, 10:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know it's been over a year since this was posted, but thought people still might like to know what happened. The police were called, the guy's probation was revoked and he is now serving the original sentence. This happened back not long after this was posted. I just got really busy and wasn't online much for the last year and a half. Wish I would have updated much sooner. Sorry.

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~Me, mama to soapbox boy (1991), photo girl (1997), gadget girl (2003), jungle boy (2005), fan boy (2003) and twirly girl (2011). Twenty years of tree hugging, breastfeeding, cosleeping, unschooling, craziness
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#210 of 213 Old 01-13-2013, 05:52 AM
 
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thank goodness!
 


SAHM to 6.5yo DS and 4yo DD. PCOS with two early m/cs. Married 8 yrs. Certified birth doula, writer, editor.

Some stuff I like: hbac.gifteapot2.GIFeat.gifnocirc.gifbftoddler.giffemalesling.GIFcrochetsmilie.gif read.gifcat.gif

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