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Old 05-08-2011, 01:56 PM
 
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I hope this doesn't offend anyone but this is the reason we don't do birthday parties. We have 4 kids so we really can't afford it. We usually just do cake and ice cream for our family of 6. Besides $ it's just to big of a stress planning and worrying about who will and won't get their feelings hurt.

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Old 05-08-2011, 02:13 PM
 
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Good point, and noting it for future use!  If the bday girl wants her mani/pedi party with the 6 girls from her class, the bday girl's mom could have also sent an invite to the neighbor girl for an at home ice cream and tea party or something very low cost but still acknowledging that friendship, even if separately from the mani/pedi party.  Since the first post, the OP has now said that the bday girl's mother has told her that the friendship is not that important to her dd, so it's probably more uncomfortable than it could have been, by keeping the neighbor girl as a friend and not having to put a hierarchy on friendships.  I think the bday girl's mom could have been more creative, her dd DOES hang out with the neighbor girl.  And if it's true that the friendship isn't very important to her, then she should be taught that using people to hang out with when there are no other options isn't very nice.

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Originally Posted by lkvosu View Post

At this point, I think some of these replies are becoming redundant..but I haven't seen anyone bring this up...why didn't the other mother talk to OP about it when she found out her dd wasn't planning on inviting OP's dd? OP said they were close friends so, to me, that seems the right thing to do.  Maybe some feelings could have been spared that way because it would demonstrate that the other mom really does care about OP and her daughter, but was simply choosing to honor her daughter's chosen guestlist.  I mean, we expect kids to be flaky with friendships, it's totally normal and not a big deal, but not so much with adults. Maybe this all happened in the course of a few hours and the mom didn't have a chance to bring it up with OP?  I'm not sure, as ds is only 6 months, but I think I would be offended, even if only mildly, if this happened to ds...and to me, since if I were friends with this lady, I would hope that she would be open and upfront with me about things that could possibly be hurtful. Maybe I'm making too much of this, but I would feel rejected for ds AND for me since she (the mom, MY friend) didn't feel in any way obligated to bring this up with me before I heard about it from someone else.  I'd like to think that my friends would do that for me. I would definitely have handled it that way if it were my ds choosing to exclude a close family friend.  I wouldn't do that for acquantance, but for the kind of friendship that OP described, I would.



 


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Old 05-08-2011, 02:35 PM
 
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Since the first post, the OP has now said that the bday girl's mother has told her that the friendship is not that important to her dd, so it's probably more uncomfortable than it could have been, by keeping the neighbor girl as a friend and not having to put a hierarchy on friendships.  I think the bday girl's mom could have been more creative, her dd DOES hang out with the neighbor girl.  And if it's true that the friendship isn't very important to her, then she should be taught that using people to hang out with when there are no other options isn't very nice.



 


I personnally wouldn't plan something seperate for the girl that was excluded. But the part I quoted is an excellent point!

The whole situation is just plain ackward. I do understand the hurt feelings.

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Old 05-08-2011, 04:53 PM
 
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And if it's true that the friendship isn't very important to her, then she should be taught that using people to hang out with when there are no other options isn't very nice.

I dunno... I think that's just how it is with a lot of kid friendships. Most of the girls I played with at school weren't exactly my soulmates... we just happened to be stuck in the same classroom together. A few of those friendships have survived (in fits and starts) since school, but most of them fizzled out as soon as we weren't thrust into the same environment all day every day.

 

Same with neighbors; the neighbor girl I mentioned upthread played with me (and vice versa) simply because kids tend to prefer playing with someone than playing alone, regardless of personality (well, within limits, obviously!). Same with my "best friend" for many years at our small church - there were no other kids our age to hang out with after church, so we hung out together and went to each other's houses, despite not having much in common when you got right down to it.

 

I agree that the neighbors in the OP didn't handle things very well, but I think kid friendships happen on all sorts of levels and circumstances, and it can be handled sensitively.


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Old 05-08-2011, 07:44 PM
 
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I don't know. Is it possible the invitation got lost? My son was not invited by his best friend last year to that boy's birthday. But I am suspecting I never saw the invitation.

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Old 05-08-2011, 07:47 PM
 
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I will say that once kids are in school, kids who are not in the same grade usually are not seen as real friends. 1st graders don't want to be friends with kinders, 3rd with 2nds, and so on. So this might just be an age issue and she sees your daughter as younger.

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Old 05-08-2011, 08:48 PM
 
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I think kids' social circles are more complicated than "neighbor friends" when they are school age. Some of my daughter's friends in our neighborhood are also in her class, some are not in her class but in her school, some go to other schools. Some are in girl scouts with her. Soe go to our church, some don't. And she has other friends who are in hr class, school, girl scout troop, church, etc., who are not in our neighborhood. It's just too complicated to assume your kid should be invited to any given party, and it isn't worth the grief. Party invitation lists are given way more importance than they're worth. It's best IMO to downplay it and use it as a teachable moment that we aren't going to be invited to everything, and our self esteem shouldn't hang on party invitations. This isnt going to get easier for her as she gets older if she takes from this experience that there is a "should" involved in invitation lists.
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Old 05-08-2011, 08:52 PM
 
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I don't think you are right to be bitter.  If she is included most time this time the family had to make choices.  

 

It isn't always because she wanted the other girls more.  Maybe there is an age range.  Maybe the other girl sees your daughter all the time she she like to see these girls.  Maybe your dd is good, however as much as they like her they wonder if she could behave well enough or maybe they thought she wouldn't enjoy it. Or have you thought that even though your dd consider this girl her BF it isn't mutual?  That doesn't mean your child is bad, or not a friend, just not her best friend.  My dd once invited a girl because she knows this girl comes from a poor family and would never get to do the activity we were doing.  

 

I don't always expect an invite, neither should you or your child.  I think you should help your dd get a thicker skin.  This is part of growing up.  Yes, it hurts to be left out but it isn't a big deal in this situation (if it was all the time then I would feel different) There will be other parties.  My dh and I invited a set of friends to share our anniversary over the other and we couldn't tell you why.  We just thought this time this situation would be more fun.  Next time the combination will be different.  This couple didn't invite us out to a restaurant because they knew my dh wouldn't enjoy were they were going.  

 

Your job as a parent isn't always to protect your child from hurt but guide them through it.  There will be more disappointments.  This is one of the times you help guide your child to resilients and learn to "shake off" the bumps. 

 

I also think you need to remember these girls are still children.  Even if they have been reminded they will talk about a party.  I feel it would have been more appropraite to say something to the other mom reminding them it isn't polite to talk about a party like that.  

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Old 05-09-2011, 09:37 AM
 
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People keep saying, "She invited all but 1 from their social group," but who knows if that's even true, or if that's the way the birthday girl's family perceives it. As people have mentioned, friendships are pretty fluid at this age, and often are based on simple geographic convenience, so it's hard to say whether this group of 6 girls is seen as "the whole group" by all sides. Maybe the birthday girl invited a few kids from her class, a few kids from her neighborhood, and a few kids from church, and thought she was doing a good job of inviting a mix of kids from each area. Or maybe if she had invited the OP's DD, then another girl in the neighborhood would have felt excluded and her mom would be thinking, "Geez, couldn't they have invited just one more?"

 

Unless you're going to place an ad in the newspaper inviting anyone and everyone to come celebrate, the line has to be drawn somewhere, and in our family we choose to not get miffed about where other families choose to draw that line from year to year. We've been invited to some friends' parties one year, but not the next year, and then invited again the year after that -- it just depends on what kind of party they're throwing that year. It's never been an issue, and we generally just wish the birthday kid a happy birthday the next time we see him/her, by going out for ice cream or whatever. Heck, one of DS's close friends (whose mom I'm very good friends with) just had a birthday over the weekend, and he chose to go to the movies with a few friends from his class (DS is a grade younger). It never occurred to me to feel left out, or wonder if we're still friends, or call the mom and ask her why she "excluded" my DS. 


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Old 05-09-2011, 10:47 AM
 
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I disagree. WHy do I have to work around eveyrone elses children? Thats not fair to my child at all. IF my child wants a party at a salon, why do I have to tell her "Sorry honey, but some kids at school may be upset that they cant go, so you need to do something you dont really want to do to spare your entire classes feelings"

 

I think we are raising kids to have a sense of entitlement that will make life alot more difficult for them in the long run.

 

Not every child is entitled to come to a birthday party. Thats not cruel, that how life works. You are not always going to be able to do things you want, go places you want and be included all the time. Why teach our kids that they will be?

 

If I cant afford to invite the neighbourhood, but can afford to invite the friends she chooses.......why should I have to tell my child she cant have the party she wants?

 

 

I would never hand out invites infront of other kids. I would call their parents. But I have a severe issue with this sense of entitlement our kids are displaying.


I agree! My daughter has not been invited to parties her friends have had and she has had parties where she has had to narrow down the guest list. When she is trying to come up with a guest list she considers whether or not the kids know each other and would be comfortable with each other. She is a very considerate and kind girl that would never hurt anyone's feelings on purpose. She also understands why she is sometimes not invited to parties and is fine with it. I don't think that the birthday girl or boy should have to change the type of party or location of party just so they can invite everyone that may be hurt if they are not invited. It IS their special day! The party should not be discussed among people who are not invited, of course.

 

If you teach your child that they can expect to be invited to every party or event that their friends are participating in, you are setting them up for failure. They are going to have a hard time in the real world when they get older because things do happen and feelings do get hurt. It is better to teach them to deal with this when they are young.

 

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Old 05-09-2011, 11:13 AM
 
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Originally Posted by pauletoy View Post

I hope this doesn't offend anyone but this is the reason we don't do birthday parties. We have 4 kids so we really can't afford it. We usually just do cake and ice cream for our family of 6. Besides $ it's just to big of a stress planning and worrying about who will and won't get their feelings hurt.

Yes, we decided long ago to avoid this minefield. We just have a family birthday partry and outing to an amusement park or other place of interest chosen by the birthday girl, and she gets to choose one friend to bring.

 

 

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Old 05-09-2011, 11:20 AM
 
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I don't think you are right to be bitter.  If she is included most time this time the family had to make choices.  

 


I didn't really see the OPer as being bitter, just confused. After seeing your post, I went back and read the OP again:

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoablessing View Post

This is a neighbor friend who we are quite close.  Our families hang out often, kids play outside, girls sit next to each other on the bus to school, do weekly family BBQ's and pool parties, etc.  My DD wasn't invited to her birthday party and I can't figure out why.   The other 4 girls on the street were.  The ONLY thing I can come up with is that because my DD is a year younger, she was inviting only kids from her class/grade?  I'm at a loss and feel really bad for my DD when she finds this o

To me, it seems like the girls are quite close, and it seem VERY odd to exclude her.

 

As a person, I'm really good at letting go of slights towards me. Sadly, my family of origin has given me lots of practice.

 

As a MOTHER, it's a different deal when some one I consider a friend slights my CHILD. It's not think I think it's a good idea for one to hold on to bitterness about anything, I can see wanting to understand why a friend did what they did, and then needing to process it and come to a place of accepting it before moving on.
 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 05-09-2011, 11:48 AM
 
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 Since the first post, the OP has now said that the bday girl's mother has told her that the friendship is not that important to her dd, so it's probably more uncomfortable than it could have been, by keeping the neighbor girl as a friend and not having to put a hierarchy on friendships.


I've reread the thread and I totally cannot see where the OP says the friendship is not important? I read where she said her DD didn't make the cut for the party, but missed this other bit.

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Old 05-09-2011, 11:51 AM
 
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I didn't really see the OPer as being bitter, just confused. 


The OP was the first in the thread to use the word "bitter" -- see bolded below. I can understand using that word in the moment of disappointment, and it doesn't mean she's going to hold on to the bitterness long-term, but when other posters use the word, it's only because they're responding to the OP's own words.   
 

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Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.  It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I did it very gently).  Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids.  My DD didn't make the cut.  It sucks and I'm bitter.  I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive.  I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt.  But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything. 

 

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Old 05-09-2011, 01:42 PM
 
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How do we know it was only ONE kid?

 

This child was a year younger. Nowhere did it say that they were best friends and that every other friend that the b'day girl had was invited.

 

If I am spending $20 to $30  a kid on a birthday party, then of course its going to be about my child on my childs birthday. Why woudlnt it?

 

And if she had invited this child, another child woudlnt have been invited. Where do you draw the line?

 

I'm not talking about buying the kid an entire mall b/c its thier birthday. However I feel that b/c is IS their birthday that get to choose who they spend it with.

 

And I feel that my kid is entitled to make that choice. It is their birthday. If I am comparting the right to invite whom they want to, and the right to be invited to every friends birthday party every year..well...there really is NOT a comparison.

 

My DD gets excluded all the time b/c she is VI and wears leg braces. I know this is why. Am I going to phone every parent and ask why my kid isnt invited? Or am I going to ensure that my kid is loved at home and is included in social gatherings such as dance or swimming with peers?

 

 

 

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Old 05-09-2011, 02:07 PM
 
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I can't imagine calling up another mother to grill her about why my kid wasn't invited to a party.  Neither can I imagine receiving such a call, and I'd think it was pretty rude of the caller.  The host of the party decides who is invited.  Guests, potential guests and potential guests' mothers do not. 

 

I understand that feelings can be unintentionally hurt.  But I think the most constructive way to deal with this situation is to talk to my child about the situation, because she is going to encounter it again.  Heck, we get all sorts of threads where people get their knickers in a twist about who gets wedding invitations, so it's a lifetime possibility.

 

My kids have had parties where they could not invite every one of their friends because of financial and/or space constraints.  They have also not been invited to some parties.  The thing is, they know kids from different social circles, particularly when they are very young.  They had school friends, neighborhood friends, Y-Guide friends, church group friends, etc., and no way could all these kids be invited.  I've certainly given my kids limits about the number of kids to be invited, and I can't say that I've gone down the list to make sure one kid from any one of these many groups wasn't left off the list.

 

The hosts also get to decide the type of party they wish to have.  If somebody wants to have backyard cake and games for the masses, that's great.  But if they would prefer a smaller gathering at a different venue, that's also up to them.  We've done both, but tend to do the latter, not to exclude anybody, but because it works better for us.

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Old 05-09-2011, 04:55 PM
 
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And I feel that my kid is entitled to make that choice. It is their birthday. If I am comparting the right to invite whom they want to, and the right to be invited to every friends birthday party every year..well...there really is NOT a comparison.

 



Did you not say I think we are raising kids to have a sense of entitlement that will make life alot more difficult for them in the long run. " ?????? -'""""''?//""""

 

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Old 05-09-2011, 05:40 PM
 
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At this point, I think some of these replies are becoming redundant..but I haven't seen anyone bring this up...why didn't the other mother talk to OP about it when she found out her dd wasn't planning on inviting OP's dd? OP said they were close friends so, to me, that seems the right thing to do.  Maybe some feelings could have been spared that way because it would demonstrate that the other mom really does care about OP and her daughter, but was simply choosing to honor her daughter's chosen guestlist.  I mean, we expect kids to be flaky with friendships, it's totally normal and not a big deal, but not so much with adults. Maybe this all happened in the course of a few hours and the mom didn't have a chance to bring it up with OP?  I'm not sure, as ds is only 6 months, but I think I would be offended, even if only mildly, if this happened to ds...and to me, since if I were friends with this lady, I would hope that she would be open and upfront with me about things that could possibly be hurtful. Maybe I'm making too much of this, but I would feel rejected for ds AND for me since she (the mom, MY friend) didn't feel in any way obligated to bring this up with me before I heard about it from someone else.  I'd like to think that my friends would do that for me. I would definitely have handled it that way if it were my ds choosing to exclude a close family friend.  I wouldn't do that for acquantance, but for the kind of friendship that OP described, I would.


Exactly what I was thinking! And....when did birthdays stop being fun? The poor woman hosting this party is just wanting to do something fun for her daughter and her friends. 6 kids at $25 each - that's $150 not counting food and who knows if she's doing loot bags? This hits a nerve with me since I was going to do the same thing for DD but it was cost-prohibitive. I told her 3 friends at the salon or 5 and we'd do full makeovers at home, then the girls can keep all their new makeup. She chose home. If anyone is going to be left out, I will definitely be talking to their parents before the invites are sent!
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Old 05-09-2011, 07:08 PM
 
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Yes We are entitled to make certian CHOICES. Which is what I said, And we are raising kids to feel entitlted to things that they are NOT entitlted to. To be invited to a childs birthday party...not an entitlement. To make a choice about   whom you want to invite to your own birthday party, which your parents are funding.....absoluetely what you are entitled too.

 

We are entitled to choose whom we spend time with in our lives. That isnt the same type of entitlement to be invited into someone else home or party.

 

Are your coworkers entilted to come over to your home on a Sunday night by virtue of the fact that you work with them? Or do you choose the time/place of their visits?

 

There is a massive difference between feeling entitled to something that you are not entitled too, such as being invited to someones birthday party. And making choices of whom to invite to the party you are hosting and paying for.

 

Do you not think that saying you are bitter and angry that your child was excluded b/c you felt they were entitled to be invited is very different from that other child being able to choose whom she invited?

 

 

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Old 05-09-2011, 07:15 PM
 
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 Let me just explain a bit further. My kids are entitled to a roof over their heads, foods in their tummies and an education (and of course Love). They are entitled to make certian choices in their lives, within reason and entitled to a voice in family issues.

 

They are not entitled to cell phones b/c their friends have them. They are not entitled to my van to drive them all over the town, or to computers in their rooms, TV, phones. None of those things are entitlements b/c they exist. And I see many kids whom feel that they should get these things b/c they exist.

 

We had to earn things as children. It seems like we dont expect much from our kids. At least not as much as was expected of us in general. And it is leading to very complacient kids whom feel that they have rights that extend to include interferring on other peoples rights.

 

Now, I am not implying that anyone here is doing such. Just making general observations from what I have seen in my line of work over th eyears. And it is obvious that we have given our kids a wonderful  voice in this world. However, we may have given them the sense that they are entitled to thigns that later in life have to be worked for.

 

 

 

 

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Old 05-09-2011, 07:24 PM
 
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This has not been my experience at all. Especially in the younger grades.
 

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I will say that once kids are in school, kids who are not in the same grade usually are not seen as real friends. 1st graders don't want to be friends with kinders, 3rd with 2nds, and so on. So this might just be an age issue and she sees your daughter as younger.



 

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Old 05-09-2011, 08:22 PM
 
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While I don't have a problem with people who do not feel as I do, I do feel sensitive about inviting all but one or two of the same social circle to an event--that tends to feel exclusionary.  It's a little different when half or less are invited.  OTOH, I have seen difficulties with invitating a couple of kids from every social group (church, school, scouts, other activity) where not everyone knows each other unless they are super gregarious kids.

 

So while I understand feeling really sad and hurt that one's child was the only one excluded from the neighbor friends, I guess I would strongly caution the OP against loading her child up with the OPs own projections/baggage.  I was the unpopular kid for a long time growing up, so I have to work really hard at controlling my claws and fangs when I even think that my DD might have to face something similar.  But she is a different person from me (it doesn't seem to bother her much).  She's in a different environment than I was (we talk things through--when I was upset over not being invited my parents just told me it was because I didn't dress right/wasn't charming/wasn't a good person/didn't know how to be a good friend--which wasn't really true.).

 

While of course it's hurtful to be left out, the OP has a great opportunity to talk thing through with her DD and use it as an opportunity to develop the skills of not taking things personally and how to handle disappointment in a way that's not self-destructive (like bitterness).  It's going to be hard to teach that if the OP isn't able to take a step back and release it herself.  So that's what I'd advise the OP to do.  Don't become so bitter with sour grapes that you become hurtful and snotty to your neighbor;  don't tell your kid that if someone doesn't invite you to their birthday party then that means that they're not worthy of you; acknowledge the hurt, think of ways that it could have been handled better, do something special that day, teach forgiveness and grace.  It feels a lot better than being stompy and pissed off at the other mom, the only time and energy wasted is your own, so why bother.

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Old 05-09-2011, 08:37 PM
 
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Yes We are entitled to make certian CHOICES. Which is what I said, And we are raising kids to feel entitlted to things that they are NOT entitlted to. To be invited to a childs birthday party...not an entitlement. To make a choice about   whom you want to invite to your own birthday party, which your parents are funding.....absoluetely what you are entitled too.

 

We are entitled to choose whom we spend time with in our lives. That isnt the same type of entitlement to be invited into someone else home or party.

 

Are your coworkers entilted to come over to your home on a Sunday night by virtue of the fact that you work with them? Or do you choose the time/place of their visits?

 

There is a massive difference between feeling entitled to something that you are not entitled too, such as being invited to someones birthday party. And making choices of whom to invite to the party you are hosting and paying for.

 

Do you not think that saying you are bitter and angry that your child was excluded b/c you felt they were entitled to be invited is very different from that other child being able to choose whom she invited?

 

 

 

I don't think kids should be entitled to hurt someone's feelings on their birthday, no.  And I also don't think OP felt entitled to an invite.  I am not OP, but my understanding was that she felt bitter, angry, sad, and disappointed that her child was going to have her feelings hurt.  As a parent, I can completely understand that.  I am really surprised others cannot.  My heart breaks when I see my son feel hurt.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that and I don't think it means anyone feels entitled to anything.  I felt sad just today when he fell off of his swing set.  It didn't mean I thought he was entitled to not fall off of it.  Entitlement had nothing to do with it and doesn't even make sense in that scenario, and I don't think it makes sense in this one either. 

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Old 05-10-2011, 05:03 AM
 
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When you call the other mother to interrogate her about why your kid wasn't invited, you've crossed the line into entitlement.

 

 

Nobody wants to see their child hurt. But I seriously doubt the intent of the birthday child was to hurt anyone's feelings. I cannot, nor should I, shelter my child from every disappointment in life. It's part of the human condition and she needs to learn how to deal with it when it occurs. If she were being bullied, I'd intervene because the intent of the bully is to hurt and it is an ongoing thing. Not getting invited to a birthday party because someone has size/cost limitations is not malicious.



 

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I don't think kids should be entitled to hurt someone's feelings on their birthday, no.  And I also don't think OP felt entitled to an invite.  I am not OP, but my understanding was that she felt bitter, angry, sad, and disappointed that her child was going to have her feelings hurt.  As a parent, I can completely understand that.  I am really surprised others cannot.  My heart breaks when I see my son feel hurt.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that and I don't think it means anyone feels entitled to anything.  I felt sad just today when he fell off of his swing set.  It didn't mean I thought he was entitled to not fall off of it.  Entitlement had nothing to do with it and doesn't even make sense in that scenario, and I don't think it makes sense in this one either. 


 


 

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Old 05-10-2011, 05:04 AM
 
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I can totally understand being upset and confused about not getting an invite. But it's just one of those things that happens. I can't believe the OP called the mom, really. I think that is just so rude and a little bizarre, TBH.

DS (6.06), DD (10.08), DD (05.11).

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Old 05-10-2011, 06:54 AM
 
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Using enttiled is actually perfectly acceptable and does make sense in the context I used it.

 

entitledpast participle, past tense of en·ti·tle (Verb)

1. Give (someone) a legal right or a just claim to receive or do something. 

 

 

 

If that girl had gone up to the OP's child and said "You're not invited to my party." then that would be hurting the childs feelings. And if it were my kid I would cancel any birthday plans.

 

That is actively hurting the kids feelings.

 

To invite 6 kids from the same grade your in....that is not actively hurting the OP's kids feelings.

 

My DD is in school, swimming and in 4 dance classes a week.

 

If I had to invite every single child so I didnt hurt anyones feelings I would be unable to throw a party at all.

 

So allowing her to choose whom she felt would enjoy the party the most is exactly what she is entitled to do.

 

Not every kid in all her classes are entitled to be invited by virtue of spending time with my child.

 

To assume that your child should be invited and then get upset when she is not and confronting the parent about not inviting your child..THAT is entitlement. The notion that your child should have been chosen and not one of the other kids on the list. Or to say that this mum shoudl have just shelled out the extra cash so HER daughters feeling werent hurt..,THAT is entitlement to something you are not entitled to.

 

does it hurt..of course. I have never said otherwise.

 

But I would be humilated if someone called me up and asked why her kid wasnt invited to a party I threw, and then have to confess my finances to her. Then have her post that she felt angry and bitter about it.

 

 

 

 

 

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Old 05-10-2011, 07:17 AM
 
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So if someone you consider a friend does something that gets under your skin, you should never mention it?

 

These two women are friends who get together every week. The invitation could have gotten lost.

 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 05-10-2011, 07:58 AM
 
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I haven't read all the posts, but I totally and completely do NOT get this entitlement conversation.

 

If you have what you think is a good, close relationship to someone and your kid considers their kid their best friend, why why WHY would it be rude, or over the top, or a show of "entitlement" to ask the mom why your daughter wasn't invited?

 

Your kid is sad, left out, and you both think this girl is her best friend - I totally agree with OP that it's natural to wonder if you did something to offend the family, the kids had a falling out, there was a perceived problem - if you call and ask nicely what the story is, I can't understand how that = entitlement.  It's not like OP called the other mom and said "What's the deal, my kid has a right to be at your party, you're violating her rights, I'm getting a lawyer!"  THAT is entitlement, when you feel like someone has taken something from you that you have a right to.

 

Thinking that based on relationship your kid would be included in a party, knowing your kid is or will be heartbroken to be left out, and wondering if somethign is wrong that you don't know about, that does not = entitlement.  It equals wanting to make sure a friendship is ok and what you thought it was, and in this case, finding out it isn't.  OP did not think her kid had a right to be there, just wanted to understand why what she thought was her best friend would leave her out.  Not the same thing.

 

OP I would have done the same thing you did, and if the roles were reversed and my kid was having a party and not inviting someone she spent a lot of time with, that would be her right (or I guess in this situation I would have made her choose because of cost) and I would be totally willing to entertain questions from parents who my kid spends a lot of time with.  I would have a right not to explain, or to not respond, but that's not me, I'd be honest just like the mom in OPs case and say what the story is.

 

And OP it is a great opportunity to teach your little girl that often relationships aren't seen the exact same way by both people.  It's a painful lesson to learn, but it's got to be learned at some point, and here it is for your daughter. 

 

OP have you thought about doing something special with your daughter on the day of the party, going on a little adventure or doing something that she really likes to do but doesn't get to do often?  That will probably soften the blow a bit so she's got something to think/talk about at the bus stop the next week when the other kids are talking about the party.

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Old 05-10-2011, 08:08 AM
 
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The OP doesn't say they're best friends, just that they are neighbors and do things together, and almost all the things they do together appear to be due to the parents being friends rather than the kids being friends. At some point kids reach an age where you being close friends with someone's parents doesn't make the kids close friends. The only thing that they do together that isn't about the parents spending time together and the kids being together by default is that they sit on the bus together, which could be just because of when they get on the bus and not because they are really close.

I have neighbor friends I'm close to, and our kids used to play together a lot but really only because we and the neighbors got together a lot. But now that the kids are older, it turns out their personalities clash and they really aren't friends, though they are polite and spend time together when our families get together. But I wouldn't expect my dd to invite their dd to a party, or their dd to invite mine, just because our families get together. When dd was younger, she was always invited to my dd's parties because the two girls spent so much time together, but there was a moment where it became obvious that they only spent time together because we are friends with the other girl's parents, and the girls don't invite each other to parties anymore.

I think this is more about growing up and changes in how friendships are formed and maintained, and not really about entitlement. The OP's dd is younger, so she might not have reached that same stage.
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Old 05-10-2011, 08:42 AM
 
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OP--I'm sorry, I feel for you!  It is hard when our children are excluded. 

 

As far as the general conversation, and original question of should I call...we had a similar situation with DD and her BF in kindy.  They are BFF's.  The other little girl bought her a BFF heart necklace, they play together not every day but probably once every other week after school and have a blast in school together.  There's a lot of love there.  But when it was time for BFF's birthday, we didn't get an invitation.  DD pestered me to call BFF's mom about it, but I told her that was not appropriate.  That if she was invited, we'd get an invitation.  That if she wasn't invited, it could be any of a million things.  The mom ended up calling me two days before the party.  They could not handle a big party but she had told DD that she could have 3 friends over after school for cupcakes.  BFF has some friends in kindy that she's known since preschool so that's who they invited.  Heck, maybe even the mom made the decision on her own since BFF is kind of quiet little girl.  But I guess some time in the few days before the party, BFF spoke up and asked for one more friend and Mom said ok and happily, DD's got to go.   I was glad I did nothing and that the girls worked it out.  And if the invite hadn't ever come, I'd have been puzzled but ok with it because I figure:

 

People have financial limitations and have to draw the line somewhere--at some point, having everyone over for a less expensive day is going to become more expensive than having 6 kids to do something special.

 

People have space limitations or issues in their homes.  They might not be able to handle 12 kids (My DD's kindy class is 24!) and there might be something going on in their home that's not good for guests.  Renovations, a leak, a new baby...there are so many things that could be going on, and even if they are neighbors it's probably not accurate to ever assume that you really know what someone else is dealing with.

 

That's what I tell myself at least.  It helps when I'm bewildered by other people's behavior.

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