DD not invited to friend's birthday party - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 10:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
mamatoablessing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: listening to DMB
Posts: 1,727
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

This is a neighbor friend who we are quite close.  Our families hang out often, kids play outside, girls sit next to each other on the bus to school, do weekly family BBQ's and pool parties, etc.  My DD wasn't invited to her birthday party and I can't figure out why.   The other 4 girls on the street were.  The ONLY thing I can come up with is that because my DD is a year younger, she was inviting only kids from her class/grade?  I'm at a loss and feel really bad for my DD when she finds this out.  I was thinking about asking the mom, since we are also friends.  Something like "Hey, I realized that O wasn't invited to G's birthday.  Is there any particular reason why?"  What do you all think?  Is it appropriate to ask the mom or should I just leave it alone?  Not sure how to soften the blow for DD when she finds this out...

 

Thanks!

mamatoablessing is offline  
#2 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 10:36 AM
 
CatsCradle's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York City
Posts: 2,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Given the relationship, I would probably ask.  How did you find out about the party and who was invited?  I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation and perhaps once you know why, it will be easier to relay same to your DD. 


"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." Charles Lamb.
CatsCradle is offline  
#3 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 10:37 AM
 
yarngoddess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Placerville,CA~best place for me!~
Posts: 1,808
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

That sucks! I have no advice. I hope some one else has better advice for you!


Married to Michael and Mother of Jake 9, Jillianne 7, Jensen 5, Jacen 4. I've got severe osteoporosis, a fractured hip and chronic pain-so please be patient with me! Pagan,Crocheter,Reader,Homeschooler- that's me in a nutshell.

yarngoddess is offline  
#4 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 10:38 AM
 
lovingmommyhood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 6,890
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)

I would definitely ask!


Mommy to THREE sweet boys & ONE sweet girl + a newb due in February!  I need a nap. 
lovingmommyhood is offline  
#5 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 10:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
mamatoablessing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: listening to DMB
Posts: 1,727
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post

Given the relationship, I would probably ask.  How did you find out about the party and who was invited?  I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation and perhaps once you know why, it will be easier to relay same to your DD. 



It was being dicussed at the bus stop this morning.  The kids were talking about getting the invitation.  DD didn't hear them but I did.  I think I will ask the mom tomorrow at the bus stop.  I just feel so sorry for DD.  She's going to be heartbroken when she realizes she's been left out. 

 

mamatoablessing is offline  
#6 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 10:58 AM
 
JollyGG's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 1,652
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)

I would casually ask for a couple of reasons:

 

1. To help explain it to DD.

 

2. If there has been some sort of "falling out" I would want know, as one of my roles as a parent is to help my child learn to navigate conflict..

 

3. If the invitation was sent but never received. If all the other girls got there invitations yesterday it could just be that DD hasn't received hers yet.

 

 

ElizabethE likes this.

Mom to DS 4/24/03 and DD 4/17/06
JollyGG is offline  
#7 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 10:59 AM
 
CatsCradle's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York City
Posts: 2,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoablessing View Post





It was being dicussed at the bus stop this morning.  The kids were talking about getting the invitation.  DD didn't hear them but I did.  I think I will ask the mom tomorrow at the bus stop.  I just feel so sorry for DD.  She's going to be heartbroken when she realizes she's been left out. 

 

Keep us updated.  I know that DD's school has a policy that you have to invite everyone in the class or no one at all.  I understand this and have no problem with it, but at the same time, if you have limited space and/or resources, it sort of narrows the field for inviting non-class friends.  We had DD's last birthday at a puppet theatre with very limited space.  I was wringing my hands the whole time because once I sent the invites to the classmates, I had to really be careful with the other people we would have invited if there had been more space.  It doesn't help either, when parents don't RSVP (either at all or not in a timely fashion).  I know my own DD would have trouble understanding why she wouldn't be invited, especially if it was a common and close relationship.

 

 


"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." Charles Lamb.
CatsCradle is offline  
#8 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 11:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
mamatoablessing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: listening to DMB
Posts: 1,727
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.  It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently).  Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids.  My DD didn't make the cut.  It sucks and I'm bitter.  I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive.  I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt.  But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything. 

mamatoablessing is offline  
#9 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 11:27 AM
 
CatsCradle's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York City
Posts: 2,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoablessing View Post

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.  It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently).  Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids.  My DD didn't make the cut.  It sucks and I'm bitter.  I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive.  I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt.  But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything. 

Aww, I had a feeling it would be something like that.  You're right that disappointment is part and parcel of life, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Actually, this is probably harder for you than it will be for your DD.  Hugs.

 

 


"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." Charles Lamb.
CatsCradle is offline  
#10 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 11:38 AM
 
Katwoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Alaska
Posts: 665
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm sorry that you're feeling bitter about it.  I'm wondering how much extra you'd be willing to spend to make sure no one's feelings are hurt.  (I'm not asking in actual money.)  But you never know their circumstances.  What if the girl having the party has 10 friends from school, three of them belong to the group of 7 friends from church, one belongs to the group of 15 in the neighborhood.  At what point do you cut it off?  Make your DD have a party she doesn't want because her first choice is too expensive?  Or teach the birthday girl the value of choices?  You can have your first choice of the expensive party, but then we can only afford to have 6 girls come.  The birthday girl then has to choose what she wants to do. 

 

When you discuss it with your DD, I'd make sure to remind her that there is no way to know how hard it was for the birthday girl to make the choices she did.  That it doesn't have to be personal against your DD at all, even though it feels like. 

 

I get that your feelings are hurt and you have a right to those feelings.  I just think things are not always so straight forward.  Especially when the children in the social group start making choices for themselves.

 

As an aside, I was the child growing up with the mother who didn't want anyone to feel left out.  I would routinely have 20-30 kids at my parties.  It wasn't fun for me.  I wasn't an extroverted child to begin with.  Then on my birthday my Mom was busy getting ready and having the party.  I never spent time with my Mom.  I always was glad when it was over.

 

Katwoman is offline  
#11 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 11:46 AM
 
Alyantavid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 7,724
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

It's too late now, but I wouldn't ask.  It's up to the birthday kid and the parents who gets invited and you have no idea the reasoning behind it. 

 

I'd really hate to get that phone call and be forced to say "hey, yeah I don't have enough money for your kid to go".  And now you're upset over it.  What did you want the mom to do?  This girl probably has other friends who would have liked to go as well, so setting a number was a good idea on her part.  She obviously couldn't invite everyone.  I'd be really careful to not put your feelings about this on your daughter.  She didn't get invited to a party.  It happens to everyone and as much as it sucks to watch it happen to your kid, it's the way it goes.  I don't think it's worth ending a friendship over though.

 

We had my son's last birthday at a go-kart place.  At $30 a kid, I had to put a limit on who he could invite because he would have invited everyone he knew. 

Alyantavid is offline  
#12 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 11:59 AM
 
beenmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 273
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

It could just be the age thing. Or maybe what they were doing wasnt something your DD enjoyed?

 

beenmum is offline  
#13 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 12:00 PM
 
babymommy2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 406
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I wouldn't have asked either. Awkward! I wouldn't want to be on the recieving end of that call, that is really unpleasant. And I wouldn't want to be the one making that call, it really comes across as desperate! Also I don't think that there is anything that mom could have said to make you feel better, so I am not sure why you would want to call anyways unless it was that you hoped she would change her mind and invite your daughter. Most likely some day you and your daughter will be in the same boat, not being able to invite everyone. It is just one of those things, sometimes you get invited and sometimes you don't.

D_McG likes this.
babymommy2 is offline  
#14 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 12:06 PM
 
beenmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 273
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoablessing View Post

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.  It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently).  Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids.  My DD didn't make the cut.  It sucks and I'm bitter.  I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive.  I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt.  But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything. 



Oh my gosh I would have been so humiliated had someone done this to me.

 

 

This is one of the reasons I hate doing parties. It becomes less about my child and her wishes and more about other kids "rights" or entitlment to be invited to something I am paying for.

 

 

 

beenmum is offline  
#15 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 12:28 PM
 
CatsCradle's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York City
Posts: 2,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by babymommy2 View Post

I wouldn't have asked either. Awkward! I wouldn't want to be on the recieving end of that call, that is really unpleasant. And I wouldn't want to be the one making that call, it really comes across as desperate! Also I don't think that there is anything that mom could have said to make you feel better, so I am not sure why you would want to call anyways unless it was that you hoped she would change her mind and invite your daughter. Most likely some day you and your daughter will be in the same boat, not being able to invite everyone. It is just one of those things, sometimes you get invited and sometimes you don't.


I got the impression that OP and her neighbors were good friends and that the kids were together a lot.  I don't see OP's call as desperate, and given the relationship, I personally wouldn't have been offended or felt anything unpleasant about a friend calling me about this.  I got the impression that this situation was much different than a mere casual one.  I don't know, I've seen and experienced wedges in friendships when people can't be upfront about something. 

 

Actually, if I had been in OP's friend's position, I might have spoken to OP beforehand to let her know what was going on.  I've learned the hard way that transparency can sometimes be very useful.  :)
 

 


"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." Charles Lamb.
CatsCradle is offline  
#16 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 12:35 PM
 
limabean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 9,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)

I wouldn't have asked. How awkward!  

 

The girl's invite list was limited to 6 kids, and apparently she has 6 kids she's closer to than your DD. I can see feeling mild disappointment on behalf of your DD, but I can't get behind being bitter over it. This is your chance to teach your DD how to put things like this in perspective, and if you teach her that it's A Huge Deal or something that could ruin a friendship, it could do her a disservice. 

 

My DS hasn't always been invited to every single one of his friends' birthday parties, and we just treat it matter of factly: "Oh, maybe they could only invite a certain number of guests. Oh well, let's take him out for ice cream the next time he comes over!" We also don't invite everyone we know to every party we have -- as someone else said, where do you draw the line? Classmates, neighbors, family friends, and church friends can add up pretty fast when everyone is thinking that the hosts should have room for "just one more." 


DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
limabean is offline  
#17 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 12:50 PM
 
lovingmommyhood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 6,890
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post



 


I got the impression that OP and her neighbors were good friends and that the kids were together a lot.  I don't see OP's call as desperate, and given the relationship, I personally wouldn't have been offended or felt anything unpleasant about a friend calling me about this.  I got the impression that this situation was much different than a mere casual one.  I don't know, I've seen and experienced wedges in friendships when people can't be upfront about something. 

 

Actually, if I had been in OP's friend's position, I might have spoken to OP beforehand to let her know what was going on.  I've learned the hard way that transparency can sometimes be very useful.  :)
 

 



ITA it's not like this woman was a total stranger, they're friends. I would have NO problem asking a friend this. 

cocoanib likes this.

Mommy to THREE sweet boys & ONE sweet girl + a newb due in February!  I need a nap. 
lovingmommyhood is offline  
#18 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 12:53 PM
 
APToddlerMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,173
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

OP, I can totally understand how you feel, bitter and all.   I think sometimes our feelings of disappointment or sadness are magnified many times over when we are watching our kids experience a tough time.  It sounds like you are close to your neighbor, so I see no reason why you shouldn't have talked with her about it. Also, if the party was going to be limited, the birthday girl should have been instructed that in order to not hurt other kids' feelings, that she shouldn't be discussing the party in front of kids who weren't invited.  As an adult, I would never do that, and kids should be taught the same thing.  It just isn't kind or thoughtful.  I am sorry your DD has to go through this and I hope it ends up being easier on her than you are expecting. 

APToddlerMama is offline  
#19 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 12:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
mamatoablessing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: listening to DMB
Posts: 1,727
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post



 


I got the impression that OP and her neighbors were good friends and that the kids were together a lot.  I don't see OP's call as desperate, and given the relationship, I personally wouldn't have been offended or felt anything unpleasant about a friend calling me about this.  I got the impression that this situation was much different than a mere casual one.  I don't know, I've seen and experienced wedges in friendships when people can't be upfront about something. 

 

Actually, if I had been in OP's friend's position, I might have spoken to OP beforehand to let her know what was going on.  I've learned the hard way that transparency can sometimes be very useful.  :)
 

 


Thank you for this.  Yes, we are close friends so not just a casual classmate at school or something.  I admit the conversation wasn't easy but I'm glad I did it.  Otherwise I never would've known why DD wasn't invited.



Quote:
Originally Posted by APToddlerMama View Post

OP, I can totally understand how you feel, bitter and all.   I think sometimes our feelings of disappointment or sadness are magnified many times over when we are watching our kids experience a tough time.  It sounds like you are close to your neighbor, so I see no reason why you shouldn't have talked with her about it. Also, if the party was going to be limited, the birthday girl should have been instructed that in order to not hurt other kids' feelings, that she shouldn't be discussing the party in front of kids who weren't invited.  As an adult, I would never do that, and kids should be taught the same thing.  It just isn't kind or thoughtful.  I am sorry your DD has to go through this and I hope it ends up being easier on her than you are expecting. 



Thank you also.  While I'm not necessarily looking for validation it's nice to read others who also might feel the same way as I do.

 

The mom was surprised that it was already being discussed at the bus this morning and I have a feeling she will be asking her daughter to keep is on the down low.

 

mamatoablessing is offline  
#20 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 02:55 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,611
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 53 Post(s)

We had a situation like that when my DD was younger. It was our next door neighbor who she played with pretty much every day, and the party was in the kid's yard. But my DD wasn't invited because she was one year younger and the mom decided to stick with just school friends. The mom was my friend and we spoke often on the phone.

 

It was ...... absurd.

 

My DD was heartbroken. There wasn't a way for her to not find out about the party. And yeah, as my DD was crying about not being invited to the party of the girl who she considered her best friend, I was pretty p*ssed. It seemed really unnecessary.

 

I did talk to the other mom about it and asked what the deal was. If you are friends, it's good to know what is going on and to let them know who things effect your kid.

 

It did really change our perceptions of the friendship. My DD found at the other girl didn't consider her an important friend, which hurt at the time but was good to know, and I found that the other mom didn't really care about my DD's feelings, which also hurt to find out but was good to know.

 

We got a little clearer picture of reality. That was a clearly a friendship that was more important to me and my DD than it was to the other mom or her DD. Ouch.

 

We generally go over board on making sure kids' feeling don't get hurt about parties. Last year, when my DD turned 12, she wanted to add a line on the invites that if you had a sibling who would enjoy a jumping castle and pizza, they were welcome to come. 

 

 

cocoanib likes this.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#21 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 04:18 PM
 
Irishmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with heartmama
Posts: 45,947
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

I wouldn't have asked. How awkward!  

 

The girl's invite list was limited to 6 kids,


Which the OP didn't know until...she made the call!!
Irishmommy is offline  
#22 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 04:59 PM
 
limabean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 9,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Irishmommy View Post

Which the OP didn't know until...she made the call!!


True. But she already knew the reason -- her neighbor's DD wanted other kids at the party more than she wanted the OP's DD at the party. Disappointing, yes, I can understand that. But the answer to, "Why didn't you invite me?" is always going to be a really awkward and trying-to-be-nice version of, "Umm, because we didn't want to..." so, IMO, it only makes things really uncomfortable for both people and isn't very useful. 


DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
limabean is offline  
#23 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 05:01 PM
 
lindberg99's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Posts: 2,815
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoablessing View Post

Well, I couldn't wait for tomorrow so I ended up calling the mom just now.  It was an uncomfortable situation...I'm pretty sure the mom wasn't prepared to be confronted (although I dd it very gently).  Seems that the birthday party is a mani/pedi thing that costs $25/head so mom told daughter that she could only invite 6 kids.  My DD didn't make the cut.  It sucks and I'm bitter.  I completely understand the whole cost thing and that inviting too many girls would be prohibitive.  I guess I would rather spend a few more bucks and make sure no one's feelings got hurt.  But life is full of disappointments and DD has to learn that...she won't always be included in everything. 


I've found that these things usually bother *me* more than they ever did my DD. She's said stuff about not being invited to parties because the kid could only have X number of people and not been upset and one time she was on a "wait list" to go to a slumber party. She could only go if the birthday girl's cousin couldn't come. I was thinking that the kid was really rude for telling DD that! But DD didn't care. Of course, DD is pretty analytical over being emotional (lots of engineer types on both sides of the family) so I think she accepts number limits easily, those things probably would have bothered me even as a child.

 

I can see the 6 kids rule but it does seem kind of harsh that she invited everyone else from the neighborhood but your DD. That would make me more upset than if it had been a couple from the neighborhood and some from church, sports team, etc. It's sort of the equivalent of inviting all the girls from school except 1, you know?

 

lindberg99 is offline  
#24 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 05:41 PM
 
CatsCradle's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York City
Posts: 2,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post




True. But she already knew the reason -- her neighbor's DD wanted other kids at the party more than she wanted the OP's DD at the party. Disappointing, yes, I can understand that. But the answer to, "Why didn't you invite me?" is always going to be a really awkward and trying-to-be-nice version of, "Umm, because we didn't want to..." so, IMO, it only makes things really uncomfortable for both people and isn't very useful. 


Respectfully, but she didn't know why her DD didn't get an invite.  I thought that was the whole reason that she posted here...and inquired as to whether she should ask.  And, I don't think the OP really detailed what she asked exactly.  I think it is perfectly reasonable that if at the bus stop, other children were discussing the party being held by a known "close" friend and the DD wasn't invited, then one could inquire about specifics.  Again, this isn't about casual relationships.  Maybe I just have higher expectations about how friends (the adults) should communicate to each other.  I'm not saying this to be snarky, it is how I really feel, especially if the children are going to be talking about it without regard to the uninvited children.  I would expect more of my own DD, at least that she would keep it under wraps or that there would be an expectation that she would be more empathetic of her uninvited friends.  

 


"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." Charles Lamb.
CatsCradle is offline  
#25 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 05:46 PM
 
mamazee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: US midwest
Posts: 7,500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I would not ask, though of course it's too late now. But really there are tons of reasons why other kids might be invited but not your child. This is just part of life, and sometime your child will have to make hard choices about who to invite to a party too. No one is entitled to go to someone's party, and this is something that will come up again, so it's probably best to relax about it and not make a big deal about it in front of your dd, as she'll decide how big a deal it is from your reaction.
mamazee is offline  
#26 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 07:10 PM
 
Veronika01's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 513
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We were in a similar situation recently. We are new in the country and lived with this family for a month before finding our own place. Their youngest daughter is very spoiled, but since she's the only child my children interacted with on a regular basis, they considered her a good friend. The last time we saw them, on my daughter's birthday when we took over some birthday cake, she was telling them about her upcoming party saying "You guys should come!" From her mother's comments it was clear my children weren't invited. Eventually, the party rolled around and we didn't hear anything, as expected. It didn't stop me from feeling a bit angry towards the mother for not inviting my kids. Later, she posted pics claiming to be of her daughter and her two "best friends". I found that odd, because I'd never even heard these two girls mentioned before. It's fine though. They ruined my daughter's small third birthday celebration by constant fighting and name calling between the older brothers and the youngest girl's loud and constant commentary during the cake cutting and present opening. It was an unpleasant experience heaped on top of many other unpleasant experiences and they will not be invited to any future parties. My kids though, couldn't have cared less. I'm very sorry that your daughter wasn't invited. {{ hugs }}
Veronika01 is offline  
#27 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 07:24 PM
 
limabean's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 9,597
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post
Respectfully, but she didn't know why her DD didn't get an invite.  I thought that was the whole reason that she posted here...and inquired as to whether she should ask.  And, I don't think the OP really detailed what she asked exactly.  I think it is perfectly reasonable that if at the bus stop, other children were discussing the party being held by a known "close" friend and the DD wasn't invited, then one could inquire about specifics.  Again, this isn't about casual relationships.  Maybe I just have higher expectations about how friends (the adults) should communicate to each other.  I'm not saying this to be snarky, it is how I really feel, especially if the children are going to be talking about it without regard to the uninvited children.  I would expect more of my own DD, at least that she would keep it under wraps or that there would be an expectation that she would be more empathetic of her uninvited friends.  


Fair enough -- no snark detected. smile.gif

 

I know she didn't know all the ins and outs of why she didn't receive an invitation -- I guess I just meant that ... there's really only one reason, you know? To me it's not necessary, and would actually be more hurtful, to have it spelled out. 

 

I agree that the girls should have been instructed not to talk about the party in front of people who weren't invited. Maybe they were but they forgot because they were excited, who knows. I would expect more of my kids too, but for me there's a large gap of understandable behavior between what I would expect of my kids and what would anger me for other kids to do. 


DH+Me 1994 heartbeat.gif DS 2004 heartbeat.gif DD 2008 heartbeat.gif DDog 2014
limabean is offline  
#28 of 106 Old 05-03-2011, 07:28 PM
 
CatsCradle's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: New York City
Posts: 2,006
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post




Fair enough -- no snark detected. smile.gif

 

I know she didn't know all the ins and outs of why she didn't receive an invitation -- I guess I just meant that ... there's really only one reason, you know? To me it's not necessary, and would actually be more hurtful, to have it spelled out. 

 

I agree that the girls should have been instructed not to talk about the party in front of people who weren't invited. Maybe they were but they forgot because they were excited, who knows. I would expect more of my kids too, but for me there's a large gap of understandable behavior between what I would expect of my kids and what would anger me for other kids to do. 


Thanks Limabean!  I hardly ever multi-post in one thread and don't know why I got so caught up in this one.  OP, I guess you hit a nerve?  innocent.gif

 


"Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." Charles Lamb.
CatsCradle is offline  
#29 of 106 Old 05-04-2011, 01:49 AM
 
DariusMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: I've been in the lowlands too long
Posts: 2,417
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
I'm sorry, OP. My DS has had his feelings hurt because he hasn't been invited to birthday parties. It sucks and really hurt me, too.

I would personally rather have a cheaper, simpler birthday (cake and games at home) than exclude kids who are good friends of my DS. That being said, maybe this is really what the girl wanted and she was willing to exclude her other friends. That's sad, but there's nothing you can do about it.

I know it's always hard (for adults and children!) when we realize that people we really like don't like us quite as much as we like them. I've been on both sides of that equation, as haz my DS. You just have to learn to navigate it as best you can, and help your DC navigate it too. Plus, friendships are pretty fluid in the elementary school years. They could be best friends again next month.
DariusMom is offline  
#30 of 106 Old 05-04-2011, 02:06 AM
 
Viola's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Nevada
Posts: 23,377
Mentioned: 2 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
But the answer to, "Why didn't you invite me?" is always going to be a really awkward and trying-to-be-nice version of, "Umm, because we didn't want to..." so, IMO, it only makes things really uncomfortable for both people and isn't very useful. 


I think it is useful to ask, either the child asking the child, which of course will happen with children, or the mother asking the other mother, just to get a heads up on how to handle it with her child.  I mean it could have been an oversight, or a misplaced invitation.  I've had miscommunications with invitations before, or not invited people because I thought they wouldn't come, but if they wanted to come and called me, I'd have certainly invited them.  So you never know.  In this case I probably would have felt it was a little more understandable--it seems kind of like a peer group thing as much as a cost thing--so I'd have said, "Oh sure, that makes sense, thanks for telling me."  And then I'd probably figure that this child had certain ideas in place, and my daughter didn't fit into the plan.  You don't want to read too much into it, but at the same time it's good to know.

 

I know my own daughter would struggle over the guest list for her party, sometimes only wanting to invite people she really liked, but other times trying to get a good mix of people who got along, at the exclusion of another friend, who she'd invite over for another type of celebration since she knew this girl would prefer that.  She just turned 12 yesterday and didn't have a party this year.  She and I went out to dinner alone.

Viola is offline  
Reply

Tags
Birthday Parties , 3rd Birthday , Little People Build N Carry Set Birthday

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off