Do you think this woman was being uptight? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 38 Old 05-17-2011, 06:58 AM
 
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I honestly don't see it as a big deal either way, but then, I grew up with people like this.  If someone said something like that to me, I can see myself respecting their wishes to not expose their kids to certain topics, then move on.  I doubt I would think enough about it to even bring it up on a message board.  People have different priorities with parenting, but this is hardly an issue that involves abuse or anything controversial, so I don't see any reason not to respect her wishes.

 

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#32 of 38 Old 05-17-2011, 07:22 AM
 
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My kids don't watch the news either but they do know about life in general.  Things happen and we don't shield our kids from everything.  I don't think a burglary is something I'd avoid letting my kids hear about.

 

So yeah, I do think she was uptight.  I also think her dh is nuts for talking about heroin in front of them though.  I'm sure they didn't understand alot of it but that's just weird. 

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#33 of 38 Old 05-17-2011, 08:04 AM
 
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I can see how that topic would have been inappropriate for small children, depending on the children. I think I might have even thought twice about discussing it with the little ones present, but that might be because I myself was a sensitive child. Hearing that story would have scared me A LOT. Even as an adult I still get nightmares from disturbing images and the like.  You know what they say - it takes a village to raise kids - but I guess the problem is that everyone has different expectations for what "the village" is responsible for. In her case, she felt the burden was on everyone else to keep the conversation "kid safe", but everyone else, or at least you, felt the burden was on her to remove her kids from "unsafe" conversation. I can see it both ways honestly.

 

But, it seems the real issue for you was that she took away your moment of sharing this upsetting incident with your loved ones. I can totally see how you would be offended by that, especially since she didn't come up later and say something like "I'm so sorry that happened to you. I was scared my kids would be upset by your story but I hope I didn't offend you..."

 

I think in the future I would respect her wishes because maybe she's right and her kids would be really upset by it. I know plenty of family members who think I'm a weird or uptight parent because of my views on food, plastic, etc. I hope they respect my wishes nonetheless. However, it sounds like she's a bit obnoxious anyway so I would probably avoid her when possible to keep another incident from happening. Also, you could always talk to her about. Maybe she feels guilty about what happened but doesn't have the courage/skills to talk to you about it. Who knows until you ask!

 

 

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#34 of 38 Old 05-17-2011, 10:59 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post

In the future, I'd say "Jane, you're going to want to make sure your kids stay away from this room for about 20 minutes, I've got some news."

 

In the moment, in an ideal world, after my stunned amazement, I like to imagine I could've had the presence of mind to say "that's okay, I'll finish telling everyone else the story when you've finished up and gone somewhere else."


See, I find this wording (in the second sentence) unncessarily passive-aggressive.  I do see where Jane is coming from, not wanting a 5yo to hear about a burglary and see lots of adults fretfully going on about it all.  That would probably worry my 4 and 6 year olds, get them thinking too much about robbers, etc.  Yes, she could have found a more polite way to ask you to hold off on the conversation.  But I think a direct answer to her of "Yikes, I didn't realize they might be so affected by it.... do you want to take them away from the table when you get a chance for a few minutes so I can finish talking about it with the others?".  Instead of "OK, when you're gone (hint hint) I'll talk about it".
 

 

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#35 of 38 Old 05-17-2011, 04:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by kythe View Post

I honestly don't see it as a big deal either way, but then, I grew up with people like this.  If someone said something like that to me, I can see myself respecting their wishes to not expose their kids to certain topics, then move on.  I doubt I would think enough about it to even bring it up on a message board.  People have different priorities with parenting, but this is hardly an issue that involves abuse or anything controversial, so I don't see any reason not to respect her wishes.

 


Well I guess that's why you're you and I'm me b/c I did post about it on a message board. I'm not sure why you felt it necessary to make the remark that you wouldn't post about it when you're taking the time to read and reply back with a post. Was your point to make a jab at me? or I don't know, something else?  headscratch.gif I did respect her wishes and moved on, but was taken aback. 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by lkvosu View Post

I can see how that topic would have been inappropriate for small children, depending on the children. I think I might have even thought twice about discussing it with the little ones present, but that might be because I myself was a sensitive child. Hearing that story would have scared me A LOT. Even as an adult I still get nightmares from disturbing images and the like.  You know what they say - it takes a village to raise kids - but I guess the problem is that everyone has different expectations for what "the village" is responsible for. In her case, she felt the burden was on everyone else to keep the conversation "kid safe", but everyone else, or at least you, felt the burden was on her to remove her kids from "unsafe" conversation. I can see it both ways honestly.

 

But, it seems the real issue for you was that she took away your moment of sharing this upsetting incident with your loved ones. I can totally see how you would be offended by that, especially since she didn't come up later and say something like "I'm so sorry that happened to you. I was scared my kids would be upset by your story but I hope I didn't offend you..."

 

I think in the future I would respect her wishes because maybe she's right and her kids would be really upset by it. I know plenty of family members who think I'm a weird or uptight parent because of my views on food, plastic, etc. I hope they respect my wishes nonetheless. However, it sounds like she's a bit obnoxious anyway so I would probably avoid her when possible to keep another incident from happening. Also, you could always talk to her about. Maybe she feels guilty about what happened but doesn't have the courage/skills to talk to you about it. Who knows until you ask!

 

 

 

Yes to all the bolded. More than anything I wished she would have said something to me later, like what you wrote above. This was just one incident with her and is generally reflective of a pattern of behavior I've noticed with over time. Like for instance, my DH and I have always gone to her children's b-day parties when we are in town. No big deal, right. Well she did not come to our baby shower, nor to our son's first birthday. Her children attended, as well as her DH - but not her. No explanation was given as to why she wasn't there. I found that strange, however, this isn't particular to us either. She does not go to family events hardly ever. Her husband and children do go though. 

 

Getting burglarized really sucked, and I'm the type of person who externalizes to process stuff. This was a family event, and I do want to point out that I was not the one who brought it up. Others were asking us about it. 

 

Anyways, I was just curious to see what others thought about it and can see from the responses that some felt like me and others differently. From some of your responses I can see how if you had a sensitive child you might have an issue with what I was discussing. I totally get respecting how other people wish to raise their kids - I want people to respect my wishes too. Well, I'm starting to ramble now... we've been moving the past 24 hrs and DS kept us up almost ALL night. So i'm operating on fumes right now. I'm off to get some zzz's.sleepytime.gif

 

 

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#36 of 38 Old 05-18-2011, 06:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MamaofLiam View Post



Well I guess that's why you're you and I'm me b/c I did post about it on a message board. I'm not sure why you felt it necessary to make the remark that you wouldn't post about it when you're taking the time to read and reply back with a post. Was your point to make a jab at me? or I don't know, something else?  headscratch.gif I did respect her wishes and moved on, but was taken aback. 

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend.  I guess this is one of those issues I would have never thought controversial, yet there have been some strong responses here.  It makes me wonder what else I think of as "normal" that other people find unusual or look down on.

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#37 of 38 Old 05-18-2011, 06:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kythe View Post


Sorry, I didn't mean to offend.  I guess this is one of those issues I would have never thought controversial, yet there have been some strong responses here.  It makes me wonder what else I think of as "normal" that other people find unusual or look down on.

shy.gif Thanks for clarifying, I appreciate it. I get what you're saying now. 
 

 

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#38 of 38 Old 05-19-2011, 07:18 AM
 
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Originally Posted by JudiAU View Post

She may have been able to handle it better, if it was an appropriate time to move away from the table or do something else. But if it wasn't I think it is reasonable to request child-friendly conversation at a family table with children present. Assuming it wasn't a good time to move away, I think it was fine to gently ask you to change the subject. Hard to know what is in her 5 year olds mind now, especially with another parent who is not careful with language. If the child already has fear issues it could be really negative talk to be hearing from an adult.

 

 


This.

 

My FIL used to discuss murder/death/mayhem in front of my children and it drove me bonkers.  I was always leaving the room. For the most part I think adults should be mindful of children when talking.   I think it is a little sad (and not child friendly) that is always the mom and kids that get to leave the room, particularly when they are invited guests.  Show some common sense - during dinner or kid oriented activities, keep the horror talk to a minimum.  

 

Robbery of a storage unit is a gray zone - many kids would be fine with it.  I can see someone engaging in conversation on robbery in front of kids - without realising it could be upsetting.  I do not think the Op did anything wrong in engaging is such a conversation.  Likewise, though, I do not think it is wrong for a mom to decide the conversation is a bit too much and ask that it be held until little Johnny will be out of the room.  I wouldn't hurry Johnny through dinner, but I would try and make sure he was occupied with something in another area at some point so adults could have a chance to talk freely.

 

Sorry about your POD.   

 

 

 

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