My experience with attachment parenting. Not a debate on how I word things. UGH! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 110 Old 05-13-2011, 07:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have been an attached mama since my DD was born, before I even knew what it was. I just think it's the most amazing thing, I find it fascinating and can't imagine parenting my child ANY other way.

 

Sadly, it's been a major struggle to cope with how different the world around me, parents their children. And while I try my hardest NOT to judge, I am judged, in a major way, on a regular basis. Consisting of everything from "Wow, you sit in the back seat with your child, I feel SO sorry for you" to "I feel that some parents take this kind of parenting to the extreme. I don't see what's wrong with letting my 3mo son cry on the way to the store, he needs to learn. I wont let a baby change my life."

 

 

I was very open about my parenting. So much so I would send emails to said offenders trying to explain my views with various articles on Dr. Sears' website. Boy, was that a mistake. Now I am mostly likely the gossip of my family and friends and considered to have "weird and strange" ideas about parenting. I have now started to really try and adopt the "Pass the bean dip", I even have it printed out on my fridge for encouragement.

 

How have you ladies, in hindsight, dealt with you're choices as an attached parent? I need to learn tolerance and feel like I have made leaps and bounds since the birth of my daughter. I feel like I never, ever, attack anyone but feel attacked all the time. Perhaps it's a sensitivity and I need to get over it LOL. I just love discussing things about my life on an open level and this is just one of those things I wont ever be able to discuss with most people.


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#2 of 110 Old 05-13-2011, 08:02 PM
 
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Honestly? Thick skin is required for this type of parenting. Seriously. I get comments all the time...and I'm on kid number 2! You'd think I know what I'm doing this time...

 

If you ignore them long enough or shut them down with "this works for us" or "This is the way I'm doing things" EVENTUALLY they'll shut up a little bit...


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#3 of 110 Old 05-13-2011, 08:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes well, my skin is growing thicker and thicker as we speak. Sometimes I'm OK and other times, not. I'm a pretty confident person on most levels. I just want to talk to people about it and then realize, I can't! ;)


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#4 of 110 Old 05-13-2011, 08:10 PM
 
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I have a few facts that I'll toss out and see what kind of bite I get...if it's a negative one I do a shutdown response. Other than that...I come here a lot and belong to a natural parenting group in my city.


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#5 of 110 Old 05-13-2011, 08:46 PM
 
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When people say negative things to me about what I am doing I try to consider why they might say that.  Are they feeling defensive?  Are they seeing something I don't see?  Are they just expressing an opinion that is different from mine? 

 

When I have a take on why things are being said to me it makes it easier to respond appropriately.  I find that almost everyone who says something I don't like or agree with is usually just sharing their experiences or feeling defensive.  So that is fine.  I try to listen and be nice.  And sometimes they have a useful outside perspective on how my child and I are interacting.  So maybe I can think about what our interactions look like to people around me and decide if that is what I want in our relationship.  It's all good.  And if someone is just being mean, that's easy too - I ignore them. :)

 

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#6 of 110 Old 05-15-2011, 08:47 PM
 
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It took me some time to feel comfortable in my parenting. I'm still always learning and applying new things.  The children are each different and their needs are different.  I try to meet their needs as best I can.  Sometimes I fail, but I'm only one human.  Sometimes I have to triage their needs:  the baby needs/wants to nurse, the oldest needs assistance with her math homework and the middle child is smearing poop on the wall;  I'm taking care of the poopy child first, then I'll nurse the baby while helping the oldest with the homework. 

 

I do not sit in the backseat.  I have 3 children.  There are three seats in the back.  Even with only one, I did not sit in the back with her.  I am not my children's friend; I'm their mother.  Sometimes I will have to make and enforce decisions that are not popular.  I think that is the best I can do.  I will not let my identity become enmeshed in being "so-and-so's mommy".  And I really do not care what other people think. 

 

 

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#7 of 110 Old 05-15-2011, 09:04 PM
 
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you mean sit in the back seat of the car w- the baby while the other parent drives? absolutely! Dh or I always sit in the back while the other one drives- why not- it helps ds (aged 1) to be happier. Anyway- yeah, if you are getting judgement from people, try to not talk so much to those people about it- try to find more AP like people to talk to I guess! I think every parent gets judged no matter where on the spectrum of AP they fall! I think having kids just some how makes other people feel that theycan give you their un solicited opinion! IT pisses me off when I am feeling fragile, it amuses me when I Am feeling strong! OP, hang out here on MDC if you are looking for support on your AP choices.

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#8 of 110 Old 05-15-2011, 09:26 PM
 
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I am going on number five and I promise you it gets much better. I think when your children get older, first the proof is in the pudding. People see that they turn out just fine despite the breastfeeding and cloth diapers orngtongue.gif Second, the things that consume our lives with young children aren't really an issue with the older ones. I go to a play group once a week for birth to preschool children and there is all kinds of talk about feeding, diapering, sleeping, etc. I also take my older children to gymnastics, scouts, swimming, basketball. There is almost never any talk about the choices you made when they were younger.

 

It can be really hard sometimes, and it is even harder when you feel like you don't have a lot of support. I just wanted to give you a little glimmer of hope for the future!

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#9 of 110 Old 05-15-2011, 11:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes I do plan on hanging out here and do on Kellymom's forums quite frequently. I do realize they once they get older, things will be different. I just want to enjoy my DD and it's hard to do that with idiotic comments and cruel expectations from people who I am trying to connect with.

Yes, DD is a car hater. Always has been. She feels most safe on her mama, and I dint blame her. I ride in the back when DH drives. It's either that or we'd have to have a barrage of toys and DVDs to entertain her. She is getting better. I'm worried that I am pregnant with my 2nd and if I'll be able to handle another baby and AP. I know I won't parent any other way but I will have to let DH and some family help out more meaning they will try to impose on me their opinions!

Thanks for all the kind responses!

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#10 of 110 Old 05-16-2011, 05:25 AM
 
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I only sat in the backseat if someone was having trouble that car ride, but generally not.

All moms get judged, no matter their parenting style. If you did everything completely differently, you'd get judged as much. There's no point in worrying about judgment when you can't avoid it no matter what you do. I just try not to be part of judgement against other moms.
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#11 of 110 Old 05-16-2011, 06:05 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mamazee View Post


All moms get judged, no matter their parenting style. If you did everything completely differently, you'd get judged as much. There's no point in worrying about judgment when you can't avoid it no matter what you do. I just try not to be part of judgement against other moms.


Honestly, I had the same thought. As a result of the self-esteem movement, we live in a time when people have been encouraged to question everything they hear and see and speak up about their opinions ("I have the right to free speech!"), with the righteous certainty that their views are valuable to everyone. It encourages judgmental attitudes. And it's easy to be judgmental about parenting because there are no qualifications for the role. Mainstream, traditional parents feel just as judged.

 

It is tough if you don't have a like-minded community for support and to discuss common interests, beliefs and methods. It would help if you could find or build a community. Maybe start up a parenting group if you can't find one near you.  

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#12 of 110 Old 05-16-2011, 06:32 AM
 
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Originally Posted by tillymonster View Post

Yes I do plan on hanging out here and do on Kellymom's forums quite frequently. I do realize they once they get older, things will be different. I just want to enjoy my DD and it's hard to do that with idiotic comments and cruel expectations from people who I am trying to connect with.

Yes, DD is a car hater. Always has been. She feels most safe on her mama, and I dint blame her. I ride in the back when DH drives. It's either that or we'd have to have a barrage of toys and DVDs to entertain her. She is getting better. I'm worried that I am pregnant with my 2nd and if I'll be able to handle another baby and AP. I know I won't parent any other way but I will have to let DH and some family help out more meaning they will try to impose on me their opinions!

Thanks for all the kind responses!


(Bolding mine)

 

I found it easy to integrate the second baby because of AP.  DS would often be tucked into the sling, happy as a clam, while I would focus on my older child.  The day care demanded disposable diapers, but I'd cloth diaper at home.  I co-slept with both children.  I'd breastfeed the baby while reading my older child a story or would set her up with an activity.  Maybe some crayons and paper.  Somehow, the younger children, well, we don't always have the luxury of bending to that child's "schedule" when the sibling also has (conflicting) needs (such as a dance class).  You learn to triage.  See my previous post.  Sometimes the baby needs you most urgently, sometimes it is the older sibling.  But, it can take a bit of practice and you will feel bad when asking one child or the other to wait.  I think the APness either gets less intense physically the more kids you have --or you learn that when Johnny and Sally are happily entertaining each other/themselves, you just relax, not everything needs to be an "adult assisted learning experience" --or you will end up burning yourself out.  Oh, and delegate. 

 

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#13 of 110 Old 05-16-2011, 07:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by tillymonster View Post

I was very open about my parenting. So much so I would send emails to said offenders trying to explain my views with various articles on Dr. Sears' website. Boy, was that a mistake. Now I am mostly likely the gossip of my family and friends and considered to have "weird and strange" ideas about parenting. I have now started to really try and adopt the "Pass the bean dip", I even have it printed out on my fridge for encouragement.


 

May be you could re-frame that  as a learning experience rather than  a mistake. Who are these people? What are the relationships like? Do you value their opinions? Why? 

 

My mother was a really horrid mother to me, and she thought the way I parented when my kids were little was silly, but it never bothered me because I knew that I wanted to do things differently than she did. With my friends, it was different, because I cared about what they thought and wanted to feel connected.

 

Are you making new mommy friends who are on the same wave length? LLL, even if you don't need BFing support, is a wonderful place to meet like-minded women.

 

And just for the record, not every mother CAN sit with their baby in the back seat EVERY time they are in the car. They must go places on their own without another person to drive them around. It's a priveledge that your life affords you, and one you may not have with your next child. With every child you add to your family, what you have to keep doing while caring for a newborn increases.  When I had my second, she just was a long for the ride a great deal because her sister was in a variety of therapies for special needs.

 

I suspect that you are at least a little superior about your parenting or needing validation or something, or that you wouldn't be drawing as much negativity as you are. There's something go inside you that you could change that would change your experience.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#14 of 110 Old 05-16-2011, 08:14 AM
 
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.  Even with only one, I did not sit in the back with her.  I am not my children's friend; I'm their mother.  Sometimes I will have to make and enforce decisions that are not popular.  I think that is the best I can do.  I will not let my identity become enmeshed in being "so-and-so's mommy".  And I really do not care what other people think. 

 

 



Yes. This. I am their mother. And I expect their respect first and foremost. And THEY like that they know exactly where they stand with me. There is no second guessing. If they are asked to do something, they are asked nicely. But they understand that that isnt up for debate.

 

They have asked if they could finish something else first, and if its reasonable I am fine with that. I will often just say "Could you load the dishwasher when you have a minute"

 

It shows that I respect their time, but I expect it to be done all the same.

 

I never ask the kids to do what I woudlnt. I would never expect more from them then I do myself. But I am the mum. They are my kids.

 

I dont sit in the back seat anymore. I did when my DD had her feeding tube. But mostly so I could watch it didnt leak all over her and she was still breathing. Sometimes I will sit in the backseat b/c my 15 year old has longer legs. However, I am the mother and I do get the front seat. When they grow up and get married, they can make that choice, or a different choice. But this is mine.

 

They could choose to act up in the car and make it a miserable ride for themselves, or they could learn to cope with car rides. It was their choice.

 

I do attachment parenting in the mannar I see fit. I get questioned about Homeschooling alot. And about how I handle my ODD with DEv delay,ASD and anxiety. People think I am letting her control me, that I just need to give her a shove and she will be just fine.

 

When that happens I just ignore them. I owe them nothing. I owe my kids everything b/c I choose to have them.

 

 

 

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And just for the record, not every mother CAN sit with their baby in the back seat EVERY time they are in the car. They must go places on their own without another person to drive them around. It's a privilege that your life affords you, and one you may not have with your next child. With every child you add to your family, what you have to keep doing while caring for a newborn increases.  When I had my second, she just was a long for the ride a great deal because her sister was in a variety of therapies for special needs.

 

I suspect that you are at least a little superior about your parenting or needing validation or something, or that you wouldn't be drawing as much negativity as you are. There's something go inside you that you could change that would change your experience.


I think these are interesting points. It has been my life experience (with my own child and through watching my siblings raise their children) that ALL TYPES OF PARENTING receive criticism. I don't see AP parents being singled out for persecution. That may be your perception because of your own insecurities or whatever.

 

I come from a long tradition of non-AP parenting, lol. Yet I was hard-core AP in the beginning. I breastfed for two years, did baby-led solids, cloth diapers, co-sleeping, sling, etc. I braced myself for all sorts of comments and criticism and none of that happened. I breastfed in public for two years and nobody said a word. I breastfed in front of my right-wing republican Dad and he didn't say a word. Everyone is and always has been full of admiration that I do cloth diapers. Nobody has ever said a word to me about circumcision. Raising my son AP has been an amazingly positive experience. In fact, I've had only criticism from like-minded parents, one who told me she proudly never owned a stroller with all three kids (when I showed up at her house with DS in a jogging stroller), and one friend who still insists that we do all play dates at her house because we have plastic toys.

 

My DH once made the comment that a lot of AP parents seem to wear their beliefs like a hair shirt.


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#16 of 110 Old 05-16-2011, 10:53 AM
 
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Quote:

Originally Posted by tillymonster View Post

 

I am judged, in a major way, on a regular basis. .... "I don't see what's wrong with letting my 3mo son cry on the way to the store, he needs to learn. I wont let a baby change my life."


This isn't an example of someone judging you. This is an example of some one stating what they do with their own child, which doesn't have a darn thing to do with you and your kid. If you feel judgment every time some one does something differently than you, then yes, of course, you feel judged ALL the time because different people do things differently. But it's not because they are judging you.

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#17 of 110 Old 05-16-2011, 12:37 PM
 
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This isn't an example of someone judging you. This is an example of some one stating what they do with their own child, which doesn't have a darn thing to do with you and your kid. If you feel judgment every time some one does something differently than you, then yes, of course, you feel judged ALL the time because different people do things differently. But it's not because they are judging you.

 


I agree with this.

 

I do have to admit that the piece of the OP that you quoted made me feel as judgmental as it gets. I do not understand the "I won't let a baby change my life" mindset...not even a little bit. I can't see how anybody can think it's reasonable to add a whole other human being to their life, on a full-time basis, and not have that life change. However, that's my issue, not that of the person who said that. I expect if I spent much time around that person, I'd end up feeling judged, because that person would probably pick up on my attitude abou them, and dish it back to me, even if I wasn't saying anything out loud. (I need to do more work on not feeling oh-so-superior in some areas.)

 


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#18 of 110 Old 05-16-2011, 03:34 PM
 
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I am APing baby #6 (ages 23 yrs, 21 yrs, 16 yrs, 12 yrs, 5 yrs, and 12 months). There wasn't a name for my parenting style--co-sleeping, babywearing, no cio, extended breastfeeding, positive discipline, homeschooling, and (yes, lol) sitting in the backseat so my babies didn't cry--that I was aware of at the time. So I came up with my own name to explain it when asked--Gentle Parenting. Many years later, I heard of Attachment Parenting and realized it was very similar to what I had been doing with my babies. That was really exciting for me because up until that point I didn't know one, not one, single person who parented even remotely how I parented! AP seemed to focus more on infancy and Positive Discipline on toddlers and up, so I combined the two and added in my own experiences and 'tweaks' and outright differences and started writing and mentoring and speaking on Gentle Parenting. Dealing with detractors is pretty much everyday life for me, but as others have said, as the years go by and you are consistently complemented by strangers and friends alike on how well behaved and friendly your children are, your choices are validated and you feel more comfortable with your parenting. And now, with my older children (one a Pastor, one a Family Therapist, one in Pre-med)  graduated from college or presently attending, and two being homeschooled and a sweet tempered little one year old in my sling, it's quite difficult for those who've told me my children would end up delinquents or fastfood workers or uncivilized thugs to feel they have a leg to stand on! And for those who've spent years telling me I'm giving up my own life for my children by choosing to stay at home and center my life on them, I say I've received so much more than I so willingly gave up! I'm a published author, a speaker/advocate for Gentle Parenting, and a very happy human being! And lastly, for those who say I violated the Biblical teaching to 'spare the rod, spoil the child,' I say, "Check your Bible again!" The rod spoken of is the same word used for a shepherd's staff, and it was used to GENTLY GUIDE the sheep, not to hit or hurt them. Jesus is my role model, and He didn't hit His disciples...just saying!

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#19 of 110 Old 05-16-2011, 10:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow these are some amazing and thought provoking replies and I thank you all. It makes me feel so good to hear about the proof in the putting as one mama above put it. I'm going to try some reframing here and learn from my experience rather then feeling judged/attacked. I just wished I had had the experience alittlesandy had- where no one said a word and respected her choices! That would be amazing! But no, I get a mom who only has a 3mo telling me she knows better and thinks CIO is ok?!?! How can I help not feeling superior? I've got 17 month more experience. Pfft! Well I'm just going to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep riding. Littleheartsbks's post above was inspiring and you can tell just by the way she writes why AP/gentle parenting is so wonderful- it's all about loving your babies and ultimately- yourself!

Thanks again ladies!

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#20 of 110 Old 05-17-2011, 06:06 AM
 
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But no, I get a mom who only has a 3mo telling me she knows better and thinks CIO is ok?!?! How can I help not feeling superior? I've got 17 month more experience 

 

But you have 17 months experience with YOUR child. Not with hers. Not with mine. Yours.

 

And seriously, you CAN help feeling superior b/c you are NOT superior. You are equal. Your both mothers. You both have babies. That is equal.

 

I have a 16 year old, an 11 year old, 10 year old and a 7 year old. Does that give me the right to feel superior over you? I mean you just have 1 kid, and he is still a baby at that, You havent dealt with school teachers and bullies on the playground and learning disabilities in your kids, or highschool pressures. Or parenting multiple kids.

 

But I dont feel superior over you. Why would I? What in the world would make me superior to you?

 

I think that if you are recieving so much negative comments, this could be why. They probably sense that you weild superiority over them b/c you have a kid a few months older. That does NOT make you a superior parent or even a more knowledgeable parent.  That makes you a parent with a 17 month old. Thats it.

 

I think you need to change your attitude. Your negative comments will soon change too.

 

You have put alot of stock in your parenting style. However that isnt for everyone. And people do get upset if someone else criticizes their parenting.

 

You are doing just what you are mad at her for doing.

 

I remember a women, a nurse actually, that led our mothers group. I asked her about how to sterilize baby bottles. And she said, infront of the entire group, that she could NOT talk about bottle feeding at this group. That this group only supported breastfeeding and my cooler and my bottles had to be set on the coat rack outside. They werent allowed into the room.

 

Can you imagine how humilated I was?

 

And you know what..I WASNT bottle feeding. My daughter had a feeding tube and I was storing the milk in the bottles so I could them gavange her through the tube.

 

But I was singled out b/c I wasnt doing what THEY felt was "right".

 

They weilded their superiority as a weapon. And it hurt just like one. Dont do that to other people. Its not fair to them to hold everyone to your standards.

 

You have a baby. You have lots of parenting left to do.

 

 

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#21 of 110 Old 05-17-2011, 06:22 AM
 
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Exactly.  I think a lot of the issue is that we all want reassurance that we are doing this "raising kids thing" right.  No matter what parenting method we use, whether AP, "mainstream", or Pearls* (or, as is often the case, not really any of them, but taking what makes sense from each method and combining them as you see fit and works for you and your family/baby.)  When our kids are happy, well adjusted, and all that, it is easy to pat yourself on the back and say "I'm doing the right thing."  Then, look down the street.  The Smith kids are being raised in a polar opposite environment.  They are happy, well adjusted, polite, obedient.  Well, knowing what you know about the way they are raised, you wonder if they are just "broken" because they used CIO and spank.  Mr. and Mrs. Smith think your children must be hellions because you don't spank or whatnot.  People see what they want to see and filter it through the lenses of their own experience and what they know. 

 

(As for CIO being the "best thing evah", is it possible she has one of those kids who just needs to fuss a moment before going to sleep.  Trying to rock those babies and nurse them down is a pain.  You will take hours getting her to sleep--then just as soon as you put her down, she's crying, so you start over.  And over.  For hours.  Just rock her, nurse her, tell a story or sing a song, then place in crib, lovingly say goodnight and leave the room.  The protests will stop in about 3-5 minutes.  Other babies are like "WTF, mama?"  and will scream for hours.  The trouble starts when you treat both the same way.  Part of AP is meeting your child's needs such as they are.  Sometimes the method of meeting their needs seems counter to AP.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*had to throw an opposite on the other end of the spectrum in there

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#22 of 110 Old 05-17-2011, 06:38 AM
 
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Originally Posted by tillymonster View Post

Wow these are some amazing and thought provoking replies and I thank you all. It makes me feel so good to hear about the proof in the putting as one mama above put it. I'm going to try some reframing here and learn from my experience rather then feeling judged/attacked. I just wished I had had the experience alittlesandy had- where no one said a word and respected her choices! That would be amazing! But no, I get a mom who only has a 3mo telling me she knows better and thinks CIO is ok?!?! How can I help not feeling superior? I've got 17 month more experience. Pfft! Well I'm just going to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep riding. Littleheartsbks's post above was inspiring and you can tell just by the way she writes why AP/gentle parenting is so wonderful- it's all about loving your babies and ultimately- yourself!

Thanks again ladies!

 

I think you have to be careful when you say things like the quote above that I've bolded. Yes, AP is wonderful and it's all about loving your babies. But a non-AP parent is going to hear you saying "non-AP parenting is not loving your babies". You may not think that CIO is the best way to demonstrate love, but that doesn't mean that the CIO parents don't love their babies as much as you do. Maybe those parents think they are showing that they love their babies even more because they are willing to use a tough love approach, and it involves heart-wrenching actions for them. I don't want to debate or even support CIO, I'm just following the example you used. 

 

 

 

 

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#23 of 110 Old 05-17-2011, 07:43 AM
 
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That was a great post beenmum...and I am so sorry you were singled out about those bottles. It is so awful that mothers judge each other over the mere sight of a bottle without even bothering to find out all the details. Even if you were exclusively FFing, which you weren't, they shouldn't have treated you like that!

 

I take parenting advice with a grain of salt when it comes from anyone who doesn't have a good deal of experience with my child. It is easy to feel like you know more about parenting than parents whose children are younger than yours, but you don't. You know about parenting YOUR child, not theirs. Likewise, other parents know plenty about parenting their own children, not yours. It doesn't matter how long they have been a parent compared to you; no one's parenting experience trumps anyone else's. I take it with a grain of salt when a "less experienced mama" tries to educate me just as I do when a "more experienced" parent tries to do it. They don't know my children; I do.

 

I agree with others than when someone says "I can't imagine doing X; I do it Y way because of Z" it is not a critique or commentary on your parenting... it's just them explaining to you what works for them. I agree with the last poster who pointed out how saying "AP is all about loving your babies" can be construed as insinuating that non-AP parenting isn't about loving your babies. Parenting in general is about loving your babies; it's not exclusive to AP.


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#24 of 110 Old 05-17-2011, 09:35 AM
 
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Thank you Moonfire. I liked your points also.

 

What really bothered me about that situation, was that my DD tube was attached to her face, an NG tube. So they could well see that she wasnt a typical child who was able to breastfeed.

 

But still felt the need to point out my deficences as a parent.

 

In the end, we all love our kids. And we are all trying to do our best.

 

But it should never be at the expense of other people.

 

 

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#25 of 110 Old 05-17-2011, 09:43 AM
 
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I think we bring some of our own issues to things, which can have an impact on how we relate to others. I have a hard time believing that the other mom said verbatim, "I don't care if my baby cries." All parents, AP or not, CIO or not, are bothered by their children's crying. I've never met anyone who wasn't. We held firmly to all AP tenets except for cosleeping, bceause my DS simply did not want to be in the bed with us after four months. He would push on me and kick me and fuss. I really wanted him next to me, but I put him the crib we had assembled in the room (which we were using for storage, lol) to see if it helped. He took to it like a fish to water. I continuously tried cosleeping with him, envying my friends whose babies could just latch on anytime they wanted. I had to get him out of the crib to nurse. But as soon as he was done nursing he wanted back in the crib. Even now, when I bring him to bed with me at age two, he will snuggle for a few minutes and then point to the crib.

 

I hate to say this, but I sometimes cringe when my AP friends see the crib. I know they must think I did CIO or some such, even though I never did, and I really feel it was what my son preferred. I also never rode in the backseat with my son, because he would fuss constantly, no matter what I did. When I was driving, and he was alone, he was perfectly content. So the next time I rode in the car while my husband was driving, I rode shotgun rather than in the backseat. It worked like a charm! All babies are different...

 

Finally, you have to pick your battles with other people. Yes, as I said in a previous post, my non-AP family was very happy and respectful of my choices, but I never lorded it over them. For example, once my mom gave me some playtex bottles. She knew I was breastfeeding but she also knew I would be pumping, and she also probably assumed I would at some point switch to bottles. I've seen posts on these forums along these lines: "OMG my horrible mother gave me BOTTLES!!! What should I do? Disown her?" I just think this is over the top. I thanked my mom and after she left I quietly returned the bottles and bought Avent, which is what I would be using for pumping. My mom either never noticed or never commented on the switch.

 

In another example, my sister was with DS one day and put a disposable on him (we kept them around for traveling or whatever) even though I had told her we use cloth and showed her where they were and how to use them. I assume she just didn't feel like using them or felt intimidated. I simply thanked her for changing him and never said a word about it.

 

I think the thing that makes me sad about many AP parents is I often believe they enjoy being superior so much that they almost don't want AP to become mainstream. To win people over, you can't act superior. You have to begin by accepting that all parents love and care about their children, and that all babies are different.

 

 


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#26 of 110 Old 05-17-2011, 11:29 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree View Post


I think you have to be careful when you say things like the quote above that I've bolded. Yes, AP is wonderful and it's all about loving your babies. But a non-AP parent is going to hear you saying "non-AP parenting is not loving your babies". You may not think that CIO is the best way to demonstrate love, but that doesn't mean that the CIO parents don't love their babies as much as you do. Maybe those parents think they are showing that they love their babies even more because they are willing to use a tough love approach, and it involves heart-wrenching actions for them. I don't want to debate or even support CIO, I'm just following the example you used. 

 


I have to agree. Some friends of dh used CIO, and it made me feel ill. But, I watched the mom while her son CIO, and she watched every second of it on a baby monitor. I could tell she was feeling absolutely sick inside, but, for whatever reason (and I honestly don't know where/why they chose to use CIO), she believed this was the best thing for her baby, and she was going to do it, no matter how hard it was on her. I think she was wrong and got bad advice/guidance/whatever. But, I also know she loves that little boy with all her heart, and she caused herself a lot of pain to do what she truly believed was best for him. I wished I'd known them well enough to try to talk to her about it, but I didn't and still don't.

 


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#27 of 110 Old 05-17-2011, 03:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by tillymonster View Post
 How can I help not feeling superior? I've got 17 month more experience. Pfft! Well I'm just going to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep riding.


you get what you give in life. All that energy of "how can I help not feeling superior?" is coming from you and being reflected back. It's like looking in a mirror, you are just seeing your own reflection. 

 

I'm going to quote myself:  bag.gif

 


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
I suspect that you are at least a little superior about your parenting or needing validation or something, or that you wouldn't be drawing as much negativity as you are. There's something go inside you that you could change that would change your experience.


 

What I said was true. There is something going on inside you that you can change. Feeling superior is something that you can help. It's something that you can outgrow.

 

And APing doesn't come with a money back guarantee that your kids will turn out a certain way. Your kids have free will. They will turn out how they choose. Parenting isn't like baking a batch a cookies that if you follow the recipe just right, you get a certain result. We, as mothers, are blessed to play such an important part of another human's life. We don't get to decide who they really are. They do.

 

The reason to AP is because it feels right in your heart. Other parents have other things that feel right in their hearts, and that's OK. And until your really feel that in your bones, you'll have issues with other moms. The minute you really get that, all those issues will dissolve. 

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#29 of 110 Old 05-18-2011, 09:02 AM
 
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I'd also like to point out that 17 months isn't very long. It's not even a year and a half. Childrearing takes 18 years, and parenting isn't over at that point. It's also experience with only ONE child, and one is the smallest number.


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#30 of 110 Old 05-18-2011, 02:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well this thread sure did get me a lot of responses that are sort of off point to me. I feel superior over the situation I'm in with some of my friends/family because I have 17months more experience in gentle parenting over others who have none or next to none. No, this is nothing in the larger scheme of things, and I'll be the first to tell anyone I am a student of life and being DDs mother is a learning experience, everyday!

I do not enjoy being told what to do with my child by a person who just had a baby 3 months ago. If she had any respect she would keep those comments to herself. As I wish many of my inner circle would. I would not ever say to her "oh, you should pick up your baby when he cries!". Out of respect. But they can just go and say whatever they want? It's annoying to say the least. Especially the ones with kids!

AP to me, is about trusting motherly/fatherly intuition. When someone tells me "your DD just needs to CIO, she will be OK and because you are not doing that you are spoiling her" Yes, this is a judgement on my parenting skills by that person. Have you ever talked to a mom who did CIO and wasn't guilty or feeling horrible about that choice? I haven't. Not one. Have you talked to a mom who promptly responds and feels that satisfaction in knowing she can soothe her baby? It's a very different, isn't it? It's a natural thing, it's trusting your instincts. That's IMHO all AP is to me in most cases. Anyone who tells me they won't let a baby change their life means, TO ME, that they have a baby, and it's inconveniencing their lives. It bothers me. And yes, I do need to learn tolerance and respect for other parenting methods but so do the people around me!

At any rate, I love to discuss AP and how other families learned to deal with criticism because it's sadly not the trendy way to parent. I hope I clarified some things here... wink1.gif

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