Would you take your kids on a 1 month vacation without their dad? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 02:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
DevaMajka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Burnaby, BC
Posts: 10,344
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I'm so torn on what to do. I'll be visiting my family this summer, and can't decide whether to go for 3 or 4 weeks. The kids have never been away from exdp (we're still living together) for more than 2 weeks before, while visiting my family.

This time, my aunt has advanced lung cancer and I want the kids and me to spend as much time with her as we can, while she still feels up to it.

But I know that exdp will miss the kids like crazy, too. (I'm mad at him right now, but I'm trying to do the right thing).

 

The ticket prices are too high to buy him a ticket to go for a week or so, but there's a chance they'll go down at the last minute. Of course, we can't plan on that happening.

 

Oh, and my family is paying for our tickets, and they all want us to come for 4 weeks, of course.

 

wwyd?

Tigerchild likes this.

Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

DevaMajka is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 02:11 PM
 
Alyantavid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 7,595
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Nope.  I can't imagine going a month without seeing my kids (if it was something like a vacation) so I wouldn't ask my dh to either.

Alyantavid is offline  
#3 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 02:18 PM
 
penguintattoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Watertown, NY
Posts: 501
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I would go, it may be the last time they can have a good time with your aunt. Hopefully tickets will go down, but if not I don't think 3-4 weeks is bad.


joy.gif:Mommy to Lennon Elizabeth 11/27/09 and somebody new, due 10/08joy.gif:

penguintattoo is online now  
#4 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 02:28 PM
2xy
 
2xy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,056
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Well....I don't equate visiting a sick and/or dying family member with "vacation," so I would go. 

2xy is offline  
#5 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 03:00 PM
 
Tilia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Iowa
Posts: 2,654
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

DD goes to her dad's for three weeks at a time during the summer.  So yes, I would go.


treehugger.gifearth.gifribbonwhite.gif Anne (31), single WOHM to Karen (5)ribbonyellow.gifshamrocksmile.giffambedsingle1.gifjoy.gif
Tilia is offline  
#6 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 03:37 PM
 
woodchick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: North of Boston
Posts: 2,083
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I am contemplating this for this coming fall.  My SIL and her family will be home from overseas and I would really love for my girls to have some quality, non holiday (ie Christmas) time with their cousin.  We're a 14hr drive away from them so in order to spend real, everyday time with them we'd have to travel out.  DH couldn't come for more than a week due to work, but I'm really considering extending the stay for the rest of us.

 

I think my answer will come when DH chimes in with his feelings on it.  We can always skype and call and what not, but I don't want him to feel too bad about it. 

 

In the long run, although we would miss DH and he would miss us I don't think it would be detrimental to the girls.  I guess I'm still on the fence!


Pregnant and/or Breastfeeding since 2005
Mama to two girls: 5/06 and 3/09
woodchick is offline  
#7 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 04:03 PM
2xy
 
2xy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,056
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Tilia View Post

DD goes to her dad's for three weeks at a time during the summer.  So yes, I would go.



My boys have spent up to 8 weeks with their dad. He is stationed elsewhere with the Navy, and it's expensive for them to travel to see him, so long visits every so often are better than short, frequent visits (financially).

2xy is offline  
#8 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 04:03 PM
 
mommy212's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Tacoma, WA
Posts: 620
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Well I would but we are a military family so we are used to it. Not much advice here

mommy212 is offline  
#9 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 04:19 PM
 
lookatreestar's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 971
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

i am not even used to it (kids haven't been away from dh, other than his million hour work week *cough*) but yeah, i would do it and i am considering it as well- to see both my grandpas (different states) who aren't doing well.


mama to one '07 and one '09
lookatreestar is offline  
#10 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 06:27 PM
 
dawncayden's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Vancouver BC Canada
Posts: 4,307
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

If I were visiting family then yes I'd do it for 4 weeks. If I was thinking of going away just me and both kids then no I wouldn't. Mostly because I think that would be too much work for just one parent. With Skype and phone calls I'm sure you and the kids can connect everyday with their dad.


75% Crunchy 25% Smooth
Raising 2 peanuts. #3 due in June bellyhair.gif

dawncayden is offline  
#11 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 07:48 PM
 
LynnS6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pacific NW longing for the Midwest
Posts: 12,446
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

Having traveled from the West Coast to the midwest to visit family nearly every year since our kids were born, I would say that 3 weeks is actually probably easier than 2. There's significant 'jet lag' that kids experience with a 2-3 hour time difference and it takes a week for my kids to get back to a normal sleep schedule. Having 2 weeks to be on a 'normal' schedule would be nice. It would also be significantly less hectic because you can fit visits to family and friends in. I come home from our 10-12 day visits exhausted from all the visiting we've done.

 

Whether you go for 3 or 4 is up to you. I don't think, once you're gone for more than a few days, that 3 vs. 4 weeks makes all that much difference.

meemee likes this.

Lynnteapot2.GIF, academicreading.gif,geek.gif wife, WOHM  to T jog.gif(4/01) and M whistling.gif (5/04)
LynnS6 is offline  
#12 of 35 Old 05-26-2011, 07:51 PM
 
Shaki's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 623
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Sure I'd do it... and have in the past. Last summer DD and I stayed at a family summer cabin for 6 weeks. DH was with us for 2 of those weeks and one weekend later in the trip. This summer DD and I and baby DS will go for 4 weeks, DH will be with us for about 10 day of that time. When we are apart from DH we do alot of emailing and phone calls and video chatting but by far the best thing we do is lots of snail mail. DD loves both writing and receiving postcards and stuff and so does DH (and hopefully so will DS when he's old enough). I enjoy it too--it reminds me of summer camp.

Shaki is offline  
#13 of 35 Old 05-27-2011, 09:40 AM
 
Caneel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Small town in a rural area
Posts: 3,835
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

In my current life, no I would not take DS away for a month BUT all of our family (that we would want to spend time with) lives close by.   If I had family or close friends spread out across the country or world, my answer would be different.

 

OP - from what you described, I would split the difference and go three weeks. 


Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
Caneel is offline  
#14 of 35 Old 05-27-2011, 09:44 AM
 
syn_ack89's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 873
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Have you asked ex-dp? If you are really trying to live together and co-parent he should be the first person you discuss this with.

Never doubt that a small group of committed, thoughtful people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. Margaret Mead
syn_ack89 is offline  
#15 of 35 Old 05-27-2011, 09:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
DevaMajka's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Burnaby, BC
Posts: 10,344
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I asked him, and he said it was ok to go for the 4 weeks. But he has a history of telling me that "it's fine" and then being all bummed out or grumpy or whatever about it, so I can't trust that it's really ok. Basically, he's no help in figuring it out.

I made the tickets for 3 weeks, and now my mom is bummed because she doesn't have any vacation, and only gets to see us on her days off. I can change them for free within 24 hours. So I have my mom and my Aunt bummed because it's only 3 weeks, and exdp telling me that it's ok if I go for 4. I guess I should take him at his word and go? Maybe I should just suck it up and buy a ticket for him, then repay my family for it somehow.


Becky, partner to Teague, SAHM to Keagan (7yo), Jonah (2yo)
 

DevaMajka is offline  
#16 of 35 Old 05-27-2011, 10:22 AM
 
Bokonon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: San Diego
Posts: 2,948
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

No, I wouldn't.  My kids would be devastated to be away from Daddy for that long, as would he.

 

Even when I was visiting my father who was dying, I only went for at most, a week at a time, with my son who was a toddler at the time.


A, jammin.gif mama to a boy (2005) and a girl (2009)
Bokonon is offline  
#17 of 35 Old 05-27-2011, 04:37 PM
 
MamaChicken's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 1,284
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would and set up times to Skype or call every X days (whatever works, maybe he can read them a story every night, etc.)

Joanna - wife to Mike, mamachicken to Cub(8/98), Kitten (4/07), Dew-man, and Woe-boy(twins, 10/08)
MamaChicken is offline  
#18 of 35 Old 05-27-2011, 04:46 PM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I would.  I'm sure I'll let my ex do that too when DS is old enough (right now its kind of a moot point) as well.  DS talks on the phone with his dad almost every day, and would while we were on vacation too, and we would try to skype as well.

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#19 of 35 Old 05-27-2011, 04:52 PM
 
nola79's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: chocolate city
Posts: 1,892
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I would. This is a great opportunity for your children to spend time with extended family, if it were me I would take full advantage.

nola79 is offline  
#20 of 35 Old 05-27-2011, 10:10 PM
 
Fly Girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 465
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I would go for the 4 weeks. My DH goes on a bi-yearly international business for 3 weeks each trip. And honestly, 4 weeks wouldn't be that much different than 3. We skype and I send pics and videos from my iPhone every day. Yeah, it sucks to be a single parent to 2 young girls for those 3 weeks but the girls do fine without DH, even though they do miss him. It sounds like it would mean a lot to your family for you to be there for as long as you can be so I would take your ex at his word and go.


Maegen, adventurous wife to DH, loving mom to my beautiful DD's and expecting another babe in March 2012!

Fly Girl is offline  
#21 of 35 Old 05-28-2011, 10:12 AM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,612
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 82 Post(s)
I would. Visiting relatives, esp. Ill ones, isn't a vacation.

As far as x-dp saying one thing is fine and then being pissy about it, does this relate to why he is an x? I think that letting go of keeping your x happy will bring you greater peace.

Many kids are away from a parent for a month for a variety of reasons.

If you let go of making other people happy, what would you really want to do?

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#22 of 35 Old 05-28-2011, 10:29 AM
 
Nicole730's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,666
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I would probably do 4 weeks.


Mama to three

Nicole730 is offline  
#23 of 35 Old 05-28-2011, 10:44 AM
 
beenmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 271
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My DH would miss the kids so Much. But we have been seperated for months/weeks at a time b/c of my DDs health.

 

I was away from my kids for two weeks b/c my dad just died.

 

Its doable. This women is very ill. I think everyone should put that issue first and make it a learning experience. It wont traumatize anyone, honestly.

beenmum is offline  
#24 of 35 Old 05-28-2011, 12:28 PM
 
Storm Bride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 25,596
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by DevaMajka View Post

I asked him, and he said it was ok to go for the 4 weeks. But he has a history of telling me that "it's fine" and then being all bummed out or grumpy or whatever about it, so I can't trust that it's really ok. Basically, he's no help in figuring it out.

 

I've seen this come up in your threads before. I know what it's like. BTDT. But, you know something? You're not responsible for his inability to be honest with you (or himself). It's not your job to figure out what he really means when he tells you something is okay.

 

I made the tickets for 3 weeks, and now my mom is bummed because she doesn't have any vacation, and only gets to see us on her days off. I can change them for free within 24 hours. So I have my mom and my Aunt bummed because it's only 3 weeks, and exdp telling me that it's ok if I go for 4. I guess I should take him at his word and go? Maybe I should just suck it up and buy a ticket for him, then repay my family for it somehow.

 

Yes. Take him at his word. I'd have mixed feelings about this, too, but I really don't think you can base your actions on second-guessing what he says.



 


Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

Storm Bride is offline  
#25 of 35 Old 05-28-2011, 12:48 PM
 
Adaline'sMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4,757
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My DH had the opportunity to go across the country for 4 weeks and make $3000 this past winter while he was pretty much not working at all (landscaping is seasonal). He couldnt do it because he didnt want to be away from DD that long. There's no way I would take my kids away from one of their parents for that long.

Holly and David partners.gif

Adaline love.gif (3/20/10), and Charlie brokenheart.gif (1/26/12- 4/10/12) and our identical  rainbow1284.gif  twins Callie and Wendy (01/04/13)

SIDS happens. 

Adaline'sMama is offline  
#26 of 35 Old 05-28-2011, 12:58 PM
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Cover letter he!!
Posts: 6,387
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

 

Quote:

I made the tickets for 3 weeks, and now my mom is bummed because she doesn't have any vacation, and only gets to see us on her days off. I can change them for free within 24 hours. So I have my mom and my Aunt bummed because it's only 3 weeks, and exdp telling me that it's ok if I go for 4. I guess I should take him at his word and go? Maybe I should just suck it up and buy a ticket for him, then repay my family for it somehow.

 

 

Take him at his word, if he doesn't want you to go, he needs to speak up and TELL you.  He's being immature by forcing you to guess what he thinks and wants.  Just go, he and kids will be fine - they can skype, talk on the phone, and send emails (with lots of photos of what the kids are doing).  You'll probably also enjoy the time away from him to clear your head a bit.

Super~Single~Mama is offline  
#27 of 35 Old 05-28-2011, 01:27 PM
MJB
 
MJB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 1,563
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

My 8 yr. old is going on a 4 week vacation with his dad this summer. I'm going to have him for the first 6 weeks of summer and his dad will only see him for a few days in the middle. We've worked up to that over the years, though, and even this plan sounded terrible to me at first. 

I don't think my husband could stand going a month without the littler kids (5.5 and 10 mos). I think the longest he's been apart from our 5 yr. old is a week on business. 

Honestly, if your ex says it's fine and you want to go I say go for it! Honestly, as much of any of us hate to be away from our kids, it's no big deal in the grand scheme of things. 

MJB is offline  
#28 of 35 Old 05-28-2011, 08:48 PM
 
onlyzombiecat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Northeast Kansas
Posts: 7,237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

If you want to go for 4 weeks and your ex has said he is fine with you taking the kids for that long then go. If he didn't mean it then he shouldn't say it and maybe he needs to learn that by you always taking him at his word. And if he wants to come he should pay his own way.

If you only want to go for 3 weeks then just go for 3 weeks. It's too bad your mom won't be off work every day of your visit but 3 weeks isn't an insignificant amount of time to take out of your lives either.

Basically decide what you really want to do and stop wasting time worrying about if it will upset person x or person y.


Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)

onlyzombiecat is offline  
#29 of 35 Old 05-28-2011, 08:54 PM
 
LynnS6's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pacific NW longing for the Midwest
Posts: 12,446
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by DevaMajka View Post

I asked him, and he said it was ok to go for the 4 weeks. But he has a history of telling me that "it's fine" and then being all bummed out or grumpy or whatever about it, so I can't trust that it's really ok. Basically, he's no help in figuring it out.


Tape this where you can see this: You are not responsible for his feelings.

 

You asked him, he said fine. Treat him like the adult he is and take him at his word. If he's all bummed and grumpy, then you can say "oh, it looks like you've changed your mind. Maybe this experience will help you the next time we need to make a decision like this." Then LEAVE IT.

 

He is putting you in a no win situation and one of you has to put a stop to it. If you believe him, and go for 4 weeks, he gets grumpy because you took him at his word. If you don't take him at his word, then he'll get grumpy because you 'didn't believe' him. If you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, make a choice that makes you happy.

 

Shaki likes this.

Lynnteapot2.GIF, academicreading.gif,geek.gif wife, WOHM  to T jog.gif(4/01) and M whistling.gif (5/04)
LynnS6 is offline  
#30 of 35 Old 05-28-2011, 09:22 PM
 
phathui5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Oregon
Posts: 17,013
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)

"But he has a history of telling me that "it's fine" and then being all bummed out or grumpy or whatever about it, so I can't trust that it's really ok "

 

With you two not being together, I would think that this isn't your issue. His lack of communicating his feelings doesn't need to dictate your plans. If he says it's ok, then let it be ok.


Midwife (CPM, LDM) and homeschooling mama to:
14yo ds   11yo dd  9yo ds and 7yo ds and 2yo ds  
phathui5 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off