I just unfriended a classmate because I simply couldn't stand to hear her complain about her baby on facebook anymore. She complained her way through pregnancy and now she is talking about CIO ect. I tried at first to offer her information and support, but I just feel she has chosen a different path and I cant stand to watch....
I feel I have also done this to a certain extent in real life, I limit friendships to those whos parenting I can tolerate, which isnt to many people.......sigh..........
Am I wrong? Do i need to learn to accept and be more understanding? Or is it ok to cut ties with people who have different morals/ethics than yourself?
mama to dd born 8/08 and dd born 4/12 and one crazy oh and one loving dh
I think you can do whatever you want BUT you will probably limit yourself greatly if you cut everyone out of your life who doesn't parent the way that you do. Not everyone is going to do things the same way and thats okay.
Of course, I have certainly blocked some people because I find their constant complaining annoying or because they are constantly spouting out opinions that I don't agree with or support.
It may seem hard to believe, but when your kids are older, whether someone used CIO when their kids were little, or even whether they BF when their kids were little, won't matter to you nearly as much. I wouldn't give up on friends because once your kids all get through this stage, you could still have a good friendship. I might at least make it so i don't see their comments on Facebook, or just ignore them the old fashioned way (by not paying attention), though, because I can't stand to read about stuff like that either.
this is kind of true.. like, i am still friends with some other folks now with whom i disagreed with some of their choices (like circ) but some of the other people i know have really gone down another path, and those i don't associate with any longer. i will NOT have my child around folks who spank/verbally abuse their kids. it's just wrong to me, plus it's a trigger for me as well and causes me to have some awful anxiety in reaction. therefore i just.. can't. so.. if you're kind of tolerant/ok with those choices or not, that is what will come next.
mamazee's right, though.. sleeping choices/formula/etc. will soon be a thing of the past. some people DO do those things and end up using GD or being awesome parents or realize they should have done differently, or didn't have a choice, etc.
Is it getting lonely in the echo chamber yet?
Also, it's funny but sometimes even people who were strongly anti-BF or pro-CIO come to me later because they know hwo I feel and ask for advice when they're pregnant again. I think making my position clear respectfully keeps me available as a resource for people if they change their minds about those things. And people do change their minds.
I think it's fine to limit contact with people you simply don't like or find annoying and nurture friendships with those you find compatible.
However, if you find yourself constantly annoyed and even angry with lots of people, I'd start looking within because it's likely that some of the problem doesn't rest solely with them.
I would also seek out more people who you find comfortable and whose company you enjoy and build a new community of friends.
Finally, I wouldn't dismiss someone simply because I disagreed with them. Sometimes being challenged helps me to clarify my own thoughts and beliefs. Sometimes being challenged helps me broaden my views. I can like, respect and even admire people even though I disagree with them. There has to be an emotional connection - some basis of mutual liking and respect though.
Why does their parenting affect your life?
I have seen this senario over and over lately. New mums believe that they have the superior parenting style and unfriend those whom dont follow the same AP guidelines.
It shockes me.
I have 4 kids of my own, including a 16 year old and a foster child who is now in her mid twenties with 2 kids of her own.
It was hard enough being a parent, but to them be defriended b/c I didnt act or parent in the mannar my friends did...that is just plain silly.
I think we all have to take steps back from our own egos and realize we all have alot of parenting left to do before we have the right to decide that our way is the best way.
I had family refuse to accept pictures of my youngest child b/c they believed she was being kept alive by artifical means and she should have been left to die with dignity, I lost out and she lost out on relationships b/c they had a differing view and refused to bend even a bit to try and understand out decisions.
Now she is an amazing 7 year old. And has no relationship with those people.
Pareting puts us in our places pretty fast.
I have unfriended people for all sorts of minor reasons. I recently unfriended someone that I was friends with in highschool (15 years ago) because she was posting religious messages every day. This doesn't mean I think she was wrong for being religious or that I want her to change, I was just so sick of hearing about it. I also unfriend people for posting 15 links to youtube videos every day.
If someone on my facebook was posting comments about parenting that bugged me, I would unfriend them without a second thought.
Now, if this was someone who I was very close to in real life, or someone that you otherwise ENJOY hanging out with IRL, I might just "hide" their comments from my facebook so I don't have to look at them, but you said this was a classmate, so I am assuming this isn't your best friend that you have coffee with every week or anything. I do have a couple of people that I need to interact with in daily life, but I find their FB updates super annoying, so I just have them hidden.
I think its fine to pull away from people for different reasons and different stages in our lives. However I also think there are times where a person needs to separate the person from the choices and realize that in most cases of parenting we all are doing what we feel is best. Even if it greatly goes against what we may feel is right because it really just boils down to what you find right may not be right for others. Even when it comes into things like spanking or the way a person talks to their child. (not advocating) I have a hard time begin around certain people because I don't agree with their choices and they are family. However I also look at all that is involved and can separate what they do and why they feel for them that it is the right choice even if I feel they are royally screwing up their child. I think more so when it comes to parenting its tricky because a person does not want to come off as superior to others, but that seems to come off that way. So a person has to be able to take a step back and look at does this really affect me if no then why should I let it consume my life and ruin an otherwise possible good relationship.
From my own experience, I recommend the intermediate step of hiding newsfeeds before actual deletion. Especially if this is someone who see, even occasionally, in real life.
As far as "deleting" people in real life for not having the same parenting methods, well...I see your children are young. It's easy to the be the perfect parent initially. It gets harder later. Again, from my own experience, I found that as my child aged and I faced some really difficult challenges, I gave other parents a lot more leeway. I realized that I didn't know their whole story, just as they didn't know mine. We all have non-stellar moments, when our children and our days and our work and our spouses and our families have just pushed us over the edge, and we snap at our kids. And we all have our own family dynamics, and things that work for us, but not for everyone. Really, who am I to judge? I can remember, though, being pretty dogmatic initially...before life took me down a peg or two, lol!
ETA: Obviously, I mean behaviours *within reason.* I don't want anyone to think that I am suggesting that if you see someone regularly beating their child, you should just chalk it up to different strokes. I mean things that aren't abusive. Like the decision to formula feed, the decision to put the kid in daycare and work, those sorts of things -- things that one person may feel strongly about but for another, it just doesn't suit them or their lives.
OP, is it really the parenting choices that bug you, or the constant complaining/whining? Because I have unfriended a couple of people who are just. so. negative. Every status update is negative, every comment is snide. I'll all set with that, TYVM. I can't handle people who are forever bitching and moaning about their lives. Everybody goes through rough patches and needs to vent once in a while, but when it's a complete lifestyle, there's a problem.
I would just block her comments from my feed. None of us get parenting 100% right, and I would hate to have someone unfriend me because they think AP is going to stifle my kid's development somehow. I think in this area especially, we need to learn to be tolerant of the people who are making different choices that we don't agree with. We don't have to be tolerant of their message necessarily and can block that out, of course, but I wouldn't cut the person off. It just seems petty. If I expected all my friends to parent similarly to us, I wouldn't expect to have many friends and I know I would miss out on some friendships that are otherwise great.
Well, I don't think you need to be FB friends with people you don't feel you have things in common with just because you went to the same school years ago. If they are constantly annoying then don't be friends with them. I didn't feel the need to be FB friends with the classmate I hadn't seen or spoken to since 1992 and who only posted about drinking and partying.
As far as only being with people who share your morals and ethics, I think that is a bit too limiting in life. I think it is better to try to find some common ground with people you encounter rather than looking for your clone.
I purposefully hang out on a message board where the majority are very religious Christians and I am not. I think it is good for all of us to have some people around who come from a different perspective.
Kim ~mom to one awesome dd (12)
I have one friend on FB that I hid from my wall. I didn't unfriend her, and I do sometimes click on her wall and read her posts and see what's going on. But I didn't need her constant negativity coming across my FB. In this case, it was mostly her attitude that bothered me, although some choices, too. She just seemed generally annoyed by her children, and not in a venting way, but more that she considered her kids an impediment to her life being awesome. Basically every time she posted I was overcome with a feeling of sadness for her children, to grow up with a mom who felt this way about them.
You can be friends (on Facebook or otherwise) with anyone you want, obviously. But I think you will end up pretty lonely if you limit yourself to people who have made the same choices and who have the same attitudes regarding parenting as you do.
Also, I am not 100% sure that CIO is the moral issue it is purported to be. I mean, in general, I don't think people consider CIO because they are horrible people who don't care about their babies. I think, believe it or not, that most people do it because they actually believe it is best for the child to get a full night's sleep. I am a really new parent and I don't pretend to know what the best way to do things is, but I have learned enough to realize that people can make different choices than I do and it doesn't mean they are "lesser" ethically. I can see how the complaining would get annoying though...it sounds like she is having a pretty hard time. Pregnancy and having a small baby (especially one who apparently doesn't sleep well!) can be so overwhelming. Maybe you should just hide her feed, rather than unfriending her. You never know, she may end up being a lot more positive once she adjusts to motherhood a little more.
If it helps you control the FB drama (like posting witchy replies to her posts or whatever) in your life and safeguards you from acting bratty, I'm all for blocking/dropping someone. It can be really hard to sit on your hands and not respond sometimes, esp. if someone really reeeeeeeeaaalllly pushes your buttons.
On the other hand, I think that if you exclude everyone from your life except for cookie cutter folks that think/act/talk just like you, the echo chamber you set up for yourself is going to be unhealthy--both for yourself and your kids. Sometimes we need different POV to help us keep perspective. I think it also makes you weak to only surround yourself with likemindeds; while it is GOOD to have a safe/soft spot to fall when you need it, being a parent is tough, dealing with the world is tough, and IMO to be confident parents (or people in general) we need to be able to withstand differing ideas without wilting like orchids. But that is in real life. I think you deal with FB whatever way makes you the least crazy and with whatever parameters you need to prevent yourself from acting like a butt or from investing too much emotional energy in places you have no control over.