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#1 of 116 Old 06-03-2011, 07:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was recently advised by two relatives that marriage should be the #1 priority and kids #2.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I understand the thinking that the kids need a strong marriage, and it should be important.  I guess I don't understand what types of actions/activities keep marriage above the children in our priority list. And how does this fit in with attachment parenting?


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#2 of 116 Old 06-03-2011, 07:11 PM
 
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My husband and I feel very strongly that our child is our priority. Our marriage is important, but he is more so.

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#3 of 116 Old 06-03-2011, 07:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How does a family who keeps their marriage #1 differ from mine?  I just don't understand, since it seems obvious to me that the needs of my living breathing children should outweigh the needs of my marriage, particularly since the needs of my children are very time sensitive, whereas if something comes up, and DH & I can't do something we planned to, we can just do it later, or the next day.

 

We work hard at getting DS to bed at a reasonable hour so we can have time together without him after he's in bed (though he usually wakes up only an hour later to come to our bed).  


What else is there that we're not doing?  Not that we'll necessarily do it, but I just don't understand what else there is.


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#4 of 116 Old 06-03-2011, 07:29 PM
 
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Why does it have to be, one is more important than the other? Humans are complex beings with the ability to hold different priorities at different times. Love your husband, make sure you are showing it. Love your kid, make sure you're showing it. Love yourself, make sure you have time for this.
We all have the ability to love and care for multiple people at the same time.

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#5 of 116 Old 06-03-2011, 08:43 PM
 
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Our children come first. I'm sure when we no longer have small children, our lives won't be so wrapped around children every single second but for now, their needs are more important then ours. 

 

 

I've known couples who were big on marriage being #1 and children #2. Most of them had a set weekly date night with a sitter always booked. One couple did that and then had a set time a day where children either were sent outside, to bed, or to the TV so the parents got their quality time in. I'm not talking about "adult" time, but they would chat about their day, give each other foot massages. Children were not to bother them. There was no, children need us tonight, we'll just catch up tomorrow night, they always got their time regardless of what was going on with kids. In every family I've known like this, sitters were always heavily used. Which I'm not bashing, I've got several sitters myself, I just never seem to use them to get away with Dh.

 

 

Eh, that is so not my life and I'm fine with it. DH gets limited time with kids as it is, I can't imagine taking one night a week and not being home with them every single week. Other couples/families, look at us and can't imagine not getting away frequently. It is just a different mind set then what I am in now. 


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#6 of 116 Old 06-03-2011, 09:10 PM
 
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At this point in our life, kids are #1 priority. Dh and I work opposite shifts so we can stay at home with dd. This means we see each other 10 min/day when I get back from work and he leaves. Weekends are busy with ds's activities, and sometimes dh has to work. And co-sleeping means we don't have the bed for ourselves.

 

But this is a short time in our lives that we dedicate to our kids. We plan to move dd to her bedroom in a year or so. Now that she doesn't nurse that much we plan to take a trip just the two of us for our 10th anniversary. In a couple of years after dd weans we plan to send them spend their summer vacation with their grandparents.

 

 


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#7 of 116 Old 06-03-2011, 09:19 PM
 
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What is more important, marriage or children...I can't separate our lives into compartments like that. There needs to be a balance: time for my husband and I to connect together alone, time for solo alone time (especially important for me), time for the whole family to be together, and time for one-on-one attention with my child. Sometimes the needs of one person come first.

When our child is ill or sad then time as a couple or as individuals needs to be put on hold to take care of her, no question. If our little one is up with a cough all night long we are never going to ignore her, even if we had special couple plans that night. If she had a horrible day at school and needs us we will cancel a long-awaited babysitter night. When our little girl was an infant both my husband and I had to make personal sacrifices to take care of her needs. We did our best to nurture our relationship as best we could. If our daughter acutely needs us then, as a dependent child, she comes first.
We parented in a way that could be considered darned inconvenient for us as a couple. We had a family bed until our daughter was six (her choice to have her own room), we practiced extended breastfeeding, we did a lot of baby-wearing, never ever practiced CIO. Quite a lot of people would claim that we were putting the baby before our relationship, but it never felt that way to us.
BUT...
We do not make our child the 100% focus of our relationship and of our lives. When my husband and I need time to connect then our daughter has a fun time with a sitter, a friend, or can watch a movie, and I have absolutely no guilty feelings over it. Sometimes our daughter might feel a little left out (very, very seldom). Other times she is overjoyed to spend an evening at the Children's Museum for Parents Night Out, watch a special movie, spend the night at her grandparent's house, or whatever. Regardless, my husband and I need that time together, and when the opportunity to take it comes we dive in without guilt.

If I feel like I am going out of my mind with exhaustion or stress then maybe I need to take time for myself. After all, if I don't practice good self-care and take care of my own needs then what kind of example am I setting for my children? There are times when I need to put my own needs ahead of my husband's or child's. It is temporary, and if the timing isn't right for me to do so then I put my needs aside and help my family. But there are times when I need to say "enough" and do what is right for my own health. That might mean saying "no" to intimacy time with my husband, or separating myself completely from my child for an afternoon. I try not to "put myself first" too often, but sometimes it needs to happen. I don't feel bad when I need that time, nor do I expect my husband to feel bad if he needs to take some time for himself.

Overall I think our family has a wonderful balance where all of us get what we need to have happy, fulfilled lives. Yes, I'd like to dance three days a week, my husband would love to mountain bike a lot more, and Denali would adore going out to eat as a family four times a week. It doesn't happen, of course. We don't all of us get everything we might want or need, but we do a darn good job taking care of each other and loving one another.
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#8 of 116 Old 06-03-2011, 11:33 PM
 
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for me a blanket statement that children are no. 1 priority is also not a healthy situation. 

 

it all depends on situations. esp. in my case since marriage was on the rocks when dd was born. 

 

its a moment by moment thing. sometimes it was important then dh be no. 1, sometimes dd. depends on the need of the hour and yes i have put then dh before dd when i assessed his needs were greater than dd's at that moment.

 

as others said - balance is key. 


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#9 of 116 Old 06-03-2011, 11:52 PM
 
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Relationships take tending. That's true whether it's your relationship with your children or your relationship with your spouse. When your kids are little, they need a lot of time. So you need to be very mindful about your relationship with your spouse/partner.

 

I also think it's important to model for your children what a healthy relationship looks like -- how do you foster your relationship with your partner? How do you teach your child that while they are important, but not the center of the universe?

 

I know that for me, if my relationship with my husband were to fall apart, I would not be as good a parent. Dh and I have a partnership -- it's never 'equal' -- at different times each of us need to take on more/less depending on a lot of factors. But we work together. It's important that we have a good relationship so that we can do that for our children.

 

 


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#10 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 01:27 AM
 
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I have a hard time separating it out, but then, DH and I got married *in order to have children*.  And we got a wedding-night baby.  We had a week after the wedding but before our cruise, and by the time we got on that ship DH could tell that I was not "alone"...and about 3 days into the cruise, so could I. 

 

At my baby shower, a friend got "the baby" a little romper with cruise ships on it, and addressed the package to "the stowaway".  :)  He's been with us from the very beginning, almost as soon as we got married, there is NO separating our marriage from our being parents. 

 

We had our first date last week, the day DH got home from an overseas work trip, which was also DS's birthday and was also his first BIG rehearsal for his dance recital...I wasn't volunteering, and it was a closed rehearsal, so DH and I went off to have a Guinness.  It was lovely!  And then when we went to pick up DS again, that was lovely too.

 

 

 

The people that I know, in person, in real life, who talk about the marriage first stuff, just seem to want excuses to go pretend like they don't have kids on a regular basis.  Those are the people I know, and I can't generalize it out to other people, but those are the ones that say it in MY life...

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#11 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 03:02 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by milkybean View Post

 

 

 

The people that I know, in person, in real life, who talk about the marriage first stuff, just seem to want excuses to go pretend like they don't have kids on a regular basis.  Those are the people I know, and I can't generalize it out to other people, but those are the ones that say it in MY life...


The people I know who talk about marriage first want a firm family foundation for their kids and themselves, not to pretend they don't have kids on a regular basis. Finding time to interact with your partner as an person tends to strengthen a marriage, and a strong marriage is better for the kids than two burned out bitter parents.

 

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#12 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 05:42 AM
 
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I find it really hard to put those two things in order. Both seem equally important. And it's really hard to separate them because I feel so strongly that the best situation for J to be in involves her father and I being happy together.

I think though, that if some aspect of our parenting was putting a big strain on the relationship then we would need to evaluate that very carefully. For example, if it came down to a choice, I would put our marriage before co-sleeping. Now I love co-sleeping and I think J benefits enormously from it. But, if I had to choose between us staying together and co-sleeping then I think her parents staying married would benefit her more. But then, I guess that is still putting her first because she will benefit from happy, together parents.

 

 


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#13 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 05:53 AM
 
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I don't really agree with making a hierarchy of importance with family relationships like that.

 

Neither marriage or children are "#1".  They are two different relationships, with two different sets of needs to be met.  Our marriage is very, very important to us.  We behave in ways that built that up, rather than tearing it down.  We care for and love each other.  We work out differences.

 

Our children are very, very important to us.  We care for them and love them.  We usually meet their needs first, as their needs are more immediate and they can't always meet their own needs.

 

Sometimes, I will have to ask dh to "Hold that thought, B needs potty help."  Other times, I will tell the children "You need to go find something to do and stop interrupting, Baba and I are having a conversation."

 

We co-slept and I breastfed, but I never allowed that to come dh and me physically.  I didn't feel the need to force the kids to wean or sttn just so dh could "have his wife back". He has his wife all the time--I didn't stop being his wife when the kids came.

 

Generally when I hear "put the marriage first" it's in the context of having lots of date nights and going away regularly without the children, stuff like that.  It just isn't us.  We don't do that stuff, but that doesn't mean we don't prioritize our marriage.

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#14 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 07:42 AM
 
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   Perhaps it's like what happens when you're travelling

by plane. When the oxygen bags drop, say the attendants,

put your's in place first over your mouth before placing one

over your child's face. I used to plan to ignore that advice

and tend to the children first but now see it as putting the

thing on me is taking care of the children first. They cannot

manage to place the oxygen masks without me being in good

shape.

   There's another thread about research that found that

divorce during a child's young life predicts the children will

die 5 years earlier that children in intact families. Perhaps

attending to the marriage is, like other posters mentioned, 

intimately interwoven with taking care of the children.

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#15 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 07:48 AM
 
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Depends on the stages of the kids.  My kids are 9, 8, and 8.  As you might be able to discern, that meant the early years of parenting were INTENSE.  A few years ago, once they were all "school age" I started weaning myself off of being more kid focused, and became more marriage (well, and ME) focused.  It was not an easy transition.  Your partner, most of the time, is not going to absolutely adore you like a kid, figuring out what makes them happy/pleases them is more complicated and can be more hard than a kid too.  So I'm glad I started early.  Now I'd say home life is pretty balanced--but it took time to get there.  At least for me.

 

From this point on, I am parenting to launch confident, competetant young adults from my home into the world.  While I am marriaging in order to stay connected and interdependent with my life partner.  It doesn't really work much as a hierarchy;  but it is nice to have the space to devote to each other finally, and not have to solely focus on young children.  Most of the people I've heard state the priorities in the OP are old(er) people--makes sense as that was the last stage they entered into/the stage they're in.  And sadly there ARE many families that break up because partners lose touch with each other and/or don't make the effort to stay connected.  It can be so easy to use that an excuse in the early years (when it's valid) but if you get stuck in that rut then I don't think that's a good thing for anyone.

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#16 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 08:18 AM
 
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The kids, while they are growing up, are our first priority. 

 

... and for us, that translates into a lot of work on having a solid relationship, because keeping our marriage strong and our household intact and happy is a commitment that we made TO THE KIDS. I don't think we would break up if we were childless, and I don't think we WILL break up after the kids are grown, but right now, dissolving the marriage isn't even on the table as an option. We married a coupIe of years before having kids and made all the standard vows, but once I was pregnant with my first, we both felt that things had been kicked up a notch in the Unbreakable Oath department. It's not that our commitment wasn't real before - but making a commitment to a little tiny helpless person to give them a happy childhood in a home with a happy Mom and Dad is, IMHO, taking marriage to the next level. 

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#17 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 08:20 AM
 
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I see the point they made although when I first heard that opinion I was shocked. And honestly when I heard it my marriage was going through a hard time too, so even more so did I think it was off base. But put a lot of thought and practice into it, and I still don't know what the technical details of what it entails are... but my understanding is that it's more like I am a wife #1 and a parent #2. It's not so much about prioritizing the people in my life, but prioritizing my role.

 

Like when my dh and I were having trouble my natural instinct was to throw all my energies into the kids, since my dh was going down this path of wondering how much he needed to do for himself vs how much he needed to be there for the family, really questioning his role and how much he should put into it. And the short answer is that he wasn't putting enough into the family, and it was hurting us all (not physically or anything) but we were really feeling the need for him to be there. So when I took my extra energies away from the kids and put it into my marriage it turned the situation around. Took a few months but it did.

 

Likewise when dad is meeting mom's needs, she is happier, more confident about herself, and it's easier to do the same things at home over and over and over. It makes a better environment for the kids. When mom meets dad's needs he is more patient, more affectionate toward mom and kids, stress of work gets to him less. Makes a better environment for the kids.

 

My dh also grew up with divorced parents, and so his dad was aaallll about everything my dh wanted, gave him all his attention, etc. And in the earlier years of our dating (I can say this because we've both grown and matured) my dh's attitude changed when we were around his dad. He acted like a spoiled brat who didn't have to take responsibility for anything. Not to say that is what happens when parents make kids #1, but it is definitely an example of one of the more extreme cases.

 

How this affects how someone AP's.... I think that's up to the way the parents choose to go about it. I think it the will is there, there will also be a way found to pull it off. But for us, when my ds was a year and I was pregnant, we had to move him to his own bed. Not in a mean way, and he still sneaks into our bed sometimes.... but overall having him in our bed all the time did not work for us. Other than that though, I can't think of anything elseAP that would be made difficult.

 

hth

 

Also just want to say that ultimately it's what makes the parent's comfortable with their choices and what they are able to do/what they feel they should do that makes the family run the best. You are doing the best thing right now for your family. If you get the conviction to change anything, then that will be the best thing, but don't let anyone make you feel inadequate in filling your role, or like you're doing anything wrong.

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#18 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 08:22 AM
 
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and also agree that with the perspective of wife #1 and mom #2, it's still a matter of what is the need of the moment/ day/ week/ etc. When my kids were babies there were a lot of things we gave up as marriage partners to meet the needs of our kids

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#19 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 08:29 AM
 
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I agree with this post. 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post

Relationships take tending. That's true whether it's your relationship with your children or your relationship with your spouse. When your kids are little, they need a lot of time. So you need to be very mindful about your relationship with your spouse/partner.

 

I also think it's important to model for your children what a healthy relationship looks like -- how do you foster your relationship with your partner? How do you teach your child that while they are important, but not the center of the universe?

 

I know that for me, if my relationship with my husband were to fall apart, I would not be as good a parent. Dh and I have a partnership -- it's never 'equal' -- at different times each of us need to take on more/less depending on a lot of factors. But we work together. It's important that we have a good relationship so that we can do that for our children.


 

 

 

 

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#20 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 08:53 AM
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I don't think it has to be either/or.  I think it can be both. 


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#21 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 09:12 AM
 
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I reject the idea that either has to be a priority over the other. Also, my mom used to say this stuff to me when I was a kid. "You have to understand, your dad is my first priority. If I had to choose between him and you, I'd have to choose him. He'll be here after you leave. I have to tend my marriage and that has to be my priority." Frankly, it made me feel like complete crap.
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#22 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 09:39 AM
 
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Ouch.
I love my DH so much, but I have to tell you, my kid is my #1 priority right now because she CANT care for herself. Maybe things will be different when they are older. I dont feel like the kids (well, one is in utero) take emotional priority over DH, but they do in other ways. For example, if DD is upset and grumpy and wants me to hold her and cuddle her and nurse, I will call DH and tell him he should pick something up for dinner because I wont be able to make it tonight. If I had to "choose" between my kids and my husband, of course I would choose my kids- DH is capable of surviving with out me (sort of, he at a lot of ramen noodles when we were broken up once). I am responsible for my children because I created them. I didnt create DH, I just made a promise to him. While I have no intentions of breaking that promise, I would never say I would choose him over our kids. That statement makes me uneasy because I know that is how a lot of women think while they stand by and allow their husbands to beat or molest their children. (Im not saying that is your situation, its just what it makes me think of) We are here to nurture, love, and protect our children. A husband should be a part of that, but if he cant be, the kids come first everytime.

Family is the #1 priority in my life.

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#23 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 10:25 AM
 
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Yeah I guess if it came to it, my kids would be my first priority, and my husband wouldn't have it any other way. I mean let's say CPS came and said, "Either your husband moves out or we take your kids." Which they'd have to reason to, but still I'm positive he'd go without question and I'd stay with the kids, because they need me in a way he doesn't.
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#24 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 10:34 AM
 
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Kids are #1, without doubt or hesitation.


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#25 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 11:07 AM
 
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Ideally, marriage and kids should be pretty evenly balanced. I know that, in my situation, the kids ended up coming first for me, since my (then) husband was out of town a lot (like, 50% of the time) and very fixated on his career. He actually seemed okay with that, but I had trouble always coming in third. It was a significant factor in our divorce.

 

Your spouse should be able to handle more flexibility, but that relationship needs to be nurtured as much as the one(s) with your children. Make real time for your spouse - it's important.

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#26 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 12:04 PM
 
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My marriage will always come first in some way. I need to nurture that relationship at all costs, however there are points where the kids will come first. Like now DD is more of a priority because she is not able to take care of herself. As they get older priorities will shift. I am me first, wife second, mom third. However at this moment I am mom first and everything else just kinda falls where it needs to be. For me its all about balance between them all. And at different points they each have a higher priority then the others at that moment. I can't be a good mom or wife if I can't take care of myself. Just as I can't be a good mom if I have having a emotional breakdown in my marriage for whatever reason. So they all have to balance each other. I will always be there for my kids but they do grow up and leave. If I don't tend to my marriage I may end up with nothing when that happens. 

 

Its important for me that DD goes to bed every night around the same time so I can get time with DH. Just as its important for me to get up when he does before DD wakes up so I can get some me time. Thats where I enjoy my coffee and get the most of my internet time in. And even though I was exhausted and could easily sleep when DH gets up for work, for me that was one area that if I could continue in doing was getting up making his coffee and talking to him. I can always go back to sleep if need be. But it was one way to keep my marriage a priority. 

Date night actually out of the house yeah not happening yet. Not because we don't want to but because we seriously don't have the time. So one way we do things is after DD goes down we plan something special whether it be a late night meal, with a movie or game or sitting outside by a fire and talking. Supper time. Well I will feed DD first then wait to eat with DH once he gets home. I will always make supper unless he tells me otherwise like he won't be home till 10 at night. The rule is if he isn't home by 730 then I go ahead and eat without him because well at this point in my pregnancy I just can't hold out much longer..lol 

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#27 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 01:08 PM
 
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I've been told this, too, and it made perfect sense to me until I read the responses on this thread. I think there is some value in treating your marriage as #1, but of course not to the detriment of your kids' well-being. It is true that the marriage will be there long after the kids are grown and out of the house, so it needs to be nurtured in order to stay strong, and so that you and DH have SOMETHING there after the kids are gone. But I don't think that necessarily means you have to have a sitter lined up every weekend and set times of day that are kid-free zones, etc. DH and I spend time together after DS is asleep. We don't banish him from the house til we're done with our together time, but we do make time for each other. AFTER DS is asleep.

 

DS's needs are nearly always my first priority. That means some days I don't get to shower. I certainly don't usually get to shower ALONE and have "me" time. Sometimes I think that can get to be extreme and not so good for me. Mamas come on here all the time, overwhelmed and are told to find time for themselves. I'm working on that, too, especially now that DS is older, and I can say, "Later" or have him come with me to the gym and wait in the babysitting room while I exercise. But I would never say to DS, "No, I'm not going to play with you right now b/c Daddy wants to talk about his day." Let Daddy wait til DS is asleep. THEN he can bitch at me about his boss and coworkers. Likewise, I would never say to DH, "Oh, sorry. You'll have to finish your story later, b/c DS just decided this moment that he wants to play." DH will finish up the big picture and then we play. This way, the marriage IS coming first, b/c DH knows that I am making time for him. But DS's needs for attention also are getting met.

 

The thing is, DH's parents got divorced when DH was in college. If my marriage isn't a priority now, that is where we'll end up. How is that good for DS? I'm not demonizing divorce in all cases, and especially if there's abuse or something, of course it has to happen. But parents who simply drift apart and choose not to get along anymore .... That doesn't seem like it's good for the kids. At least it wasn't for DH and his siblings. So in that respect, making your marriage the priority IS making your kids the priority, b/c you're showing them not only how to be a good spouse, but you're providing them with a united family that will be there to support them when they need it, even when they're adults. It's definitely less stressful for the kids even in adulthood to have parents who are happily together.

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#28 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 01:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

I reject the idea that either has to be a priority over the other. Also, my mom used to say this stuff to me when I was a kid. "You have to understand, your dad is my first priority. If I had to choose between him and you, I'd have to choose him. He'll be here after you leave. I have to tend my marriage and that has to be my priority." Frankly, it made me feel like complete crap.


Wow, that's awful.  I don't agree with that sentiment at all.  Yes, I think that partnerships need to be tended to, but I'm not raising my husband.  We're raising our kids, together, and we only get one chance at that.  Our kids didn't ask to be here.  They are OUR priority, together.

 

I'm fortunate that my husband shares my feelings, though we've never discussed it to my recollection.  There has never been a need to, as our parenting and marriage has evolved as our family has grown and aged.  We were married for 7 years before we had kids, so we had plenty of time to enjoy our pre-child, dual income lives.  Now we have 2 kids, one income, and our priorities have changed and we wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Our marriage is important.  But if our marriage was struggling, we would deal with it without putting the kids second.  


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#29 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 01:37 PM
 
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I seem to be joining the chorus on this one, but I think it's fairly nonsensical idea, in most ways.

 

When I have a 3 week old nursling, the baby is most important, pretty much 24/7. I have an 18 year old...is he really important? Definitely. Is he more important than my marriage? I don't even know how I could quantify that. My job with him (and my other kids) is basically to teach them to survive and thrive without me. That's not what I'm doing with dh. Barring any unforeseen mishaps, dh will be my closest companion for the rest of my life. That's really, really important! But, our kids need me and dh in ways that we don't need each other.

 

I just can't see ranking this kind of thing. If dd2 wakes up in the middle of the night (as she does every night), then any snuggling, conversation, sex, whatever that dh and I were going (or had started) to enjoy gets dumped for a while...but we also haven't arranged our lives so that those things never have a chance to start at all, yk? Setting priorities involves a lot of sorting out the urgent from the less urgent, and it's a very fluid process, imo. Right at this particular moment, I'm chilling for a few minutes before I take dd1 to ballet. DH will be home dealing with ds2 and dd2. We won't even be in the same place for much of the afternoon, so the needs of the kids are in ascendance...but we carved out some "us" time while the younger kids were downstairs with ds1 this morning.

 

I think priority number one is balancing everyone's needs.

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#30 of 116 Old 06-04-2011, 02:08 PM
 
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Apples and oranges. Or apples and calcium chloride. All are important, for different reasons, and all are interconnected. It's not possible to have a totally fabulous relationship with your kids and put your spouse in 3rd place all the time without said spouse feeling sad, rejected or hurt, which would then affect his/her relationship with you and with the kids, so it wouldn't be so fabulous.

 

It all works, quite smoothly normally, because we have an unlimited supply of love, so we can balance and juggle multiple tasks in life. And if it is occasionally tight, then we can do a juggling act. And sometimes one person, be that parent or child, will loose out. And it makes no difference. That is life. It is only constant, long-term loosing out that causes problems, imo. And the needs and priorities change. A newborn needs a clean diaper - NOW, and now, and now.... so he/she will get an inordinate share at this point in time. A toddler has different needs. A young child, a teen, an adult... all different needs, and at different times. Maybe the newborn needs a clean diaper, but your spouse has just lost his/her job and needs a hug first. Life is not a rock, it's a rubber band.  

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post

I reject the idea that either has to be a priority over the other. Also, my mom used to say this stuff to me when I was a kid. "You have to understand, your dad is my first priority. If I had to choose between him and you, I'd have to choose him. He'll be here after you leave. I have to tend my marriage and that has to be my priority." Frankly, it made me feel like complete crap.


OT but had to reply to this. This is totally warped of your mom to say. No wonder you felt like crap, any child would hearing those words. If she felt that way, fine, but she should have had the sense to keep her comments to herself.

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