I just threatened to cut my parents out of my kids' lives - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 54 Old 06-13-2011, 04:47 PM
 
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You know beenmum, when you spend a lifetime with a mother who is manipulative, controlling, plays victim, is mean, etc, sometimes you fly off the handle a little faster than you would in a typical situation.  If someone walks their dog past your house each day at 3pm and lets him take a poop on your lawn without cleaning it up, at some point, you are going to be out there at 2:59 yelling down the street that you're going to kick his butt if his dog poops on your lawn today.  And you'd look like a real lunatic to everyone who didn't see him come by for the past 10 days and let his dog poop on your lawn.  But to those who understand, it makes perfect sense.  OP might seem to you like she jumped the gun and overreacted, but as someone who has been in a similar situation, I completely totally understand.  On top of that, I could never fault a mother for protecting her own child.  OP has *seen* first hand what her mother is capable of.  Part of the reaction was probably also to knowing what her mother was capable of and how far she could have taken it. 

 

This post spoke to me in such a way I can't describe.  It truly described what my life was like with my mother.


As for the OP, I think that a 4 year old who is having a moment should be left alone, a 4 year old who doesn't want to eat right then should be left alone.  I think getting in  a kid's face and hissing at him because he doesn't want to eat is off limits.  You shouldn't have grabbed your mom, but I understand where it was coming from.
 

 

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#32 of 54 Old 06-13-2011, 05:54 PM
 
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While you might not have said "clearly beenmum, you've never had a mother that's done x, y, z.  So you know nothing about a toxic parent"  You're 1st post clearly points to her and tries to explain a toxic parent background.  Which does imply that you believe she's had no experience with the issue.  Her response was to say, I've had a toxic background parent and I see things differently.

 



Well, no.  That is a real twist on what I said and pretty imaginative.  You can read into things as much as you want, as can beenmum, but my point was to explain MY background and how it related to OP's (possibly) and how that can change reactions in certain situations.  There has been a real lack of empathy in this thread by a couple posters in regards to what OP has dealt with from her mom, and I was trying to explain why OP's behavior may have seemed irrational and overboard, but wasn't in light of her history with her mother.  That has nothing to do with beenmum other than the fact that she was one of the people harping on OP for being "wrong." 

 

 The whole idea that everyone has to be wrong, take responsibility, and essentially compromise in this situation with granny is unhealthy.  There is all this talk about disciplining a four year old, and that is just great, but OP never had the chance because granny stepped in completely inappropriately before anything could be done.  Nobody knows how OP would have handled her child's behavior if she hadn't had the opportunity stolen from her. Not only that, but disciplining this kid at this particular time would have also just reinforced that granny's behavior was appropriate, which it wasn't.  If I give someone a mean look and they come up and smack me for it, yeah, I shouldn't have given them a mean look, but now the fact that they smacked me makes the mean look seem unimportant.  OP and her son's actions pale in comparison to granny's behavior.  If it were me, I wouldn't have been happy I had acted that way, nor would I have been pleased that my son had been rude.  I would absolutely seek to work on his manners and my own reactions.  But I'd also cut myself an ounce of slack considering the circumstances and realize it was also a sign that the relationship needed to be dialed down or cut off.  And I sure wouldn't expect to come on MDC looking for a tiny bit of support and be told I should apologize by people who supposedly understand the nature of toxic family members...     

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#33 of 54 Old 06-14-2011, 07:48 AM
 
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But to those who understand, it makes perfect sense. 



This is what you said. To those who understand. Imply that I DONT understand what its like to have a toxic parent.

 

How else did you mean that sentence?

 

B/c it came off as you saying that I didnt understand.

 

I do.

 

I wasnt harping on her. I was pointing out that there were several things that happened that escalated the situation.

 

I also pointed out that a 4 year old yelling at a grandparent would not be tolerated by many.

 

I also pointed out that the grandmother was wrong to do what she did. However, so was the OP by grabbing her. So was the 4 year old for yelling at his grandmother. While each was wrong to different degrees, they all contribute to this senario.

 

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#34 of 54 Old 06-14-2011, 08:18 AM
 
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Can we step back and look at the root of this situation? OP states that her ds' "weapon of choice" lately is to refuse to eat. Um, ok. So why-oh-why would you get into a battle over this with an admittedly grumpy child who just woke from a brief nap? So he doesn't eat. No healthy 4 y.o. child in a first world country has ever voluntarily starved himself.

 

OP, your mom shouldn't have spoken to your ds in that manner. Trying to force a child to eat is a recipe for disaster, though - especially since this seems already to be a control issue for the both of you.


I agree with this completely. My children rarely eat all of their food and it drives both sets of parents bonkers. I don't care. If my kids want to be done eating I let them get up because I don't want to have any sort of battle in front of the grandparents where they will get it in their head that their input is appreciated in any way. And I always tell the grandparents that our rule is you don't have to eat everything if you don't want to. I don't engage in food battles, its not worth it to me. 

 



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I think everyone was wrong in this situation. Grandma should not have yelled at the child, Mama should not have grabbed Grandma or forced child to sit down for lunch, and child should not have yelled at Grandma. Sure four year olds act like that, but as the adults it is our responsibility to guide them into more appropriate behavior.

 

If Grandma's house is so toxic that the OP can't control her actions there, then they should no longer be visiting. I don't think it is fair ( and it is beyond confusing) to model to a child that it's ok to act however you want because Grandma is toxic.


I agree. 

 

I wanted to add that it did not sit right with me that the OP was sitting there demanding her mother apologize to her four year old, in front of him. I see nothing good coming from that except for some major entitlement issues for the little boy. 

 

I apologize to my kids when I have wronged them, definitely and I could even say the grandmother owed the little boy an apology but for the mom to stand there and demand her mother apologize to the child as if the grandmother is a child...It just...well, no. IMO it should have been handled between mom and grandma privately. 

 

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#35 of 54 Old 06-14-2011, 08:37 AM
 
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This is what you said. To those who understand. Imply that I DONT understand what its like to have a toxic parent.

 

How else did you mean that sentence?



This is a waste of my time and I'm done engaging you about this after this post as I can see you just want to fight about it for no apparent reason but...  I understand fully you understand what it is like to have a toxic parent.  I don't think you understood my point though because if you did understand my point about the over reaction, you'd have to have an astonishing lack of empathy to not understand how a person could overreact in that situation.  I didn't say it was right.  I said I understood the over reaction.  Understanding the reaction and understanding what it is like to have a toxic parent are two totally different things. 

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#36 of 54 Old 06-14-2011, 09:33 AM
 
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I wanted to add that it did not sit right with me that the OP was sitting there demanding her mother apologize to her four year old, in front of him. I see nothing good coming from that except for some major entitlement issues for the little boy. 

 

 



I thought it was great that she did this.  Once grandma hisses at him, that cannot be undone.  An apology is not going to make him feel like she is a safe, loving person who is going to treat him respectfully.  But now he knows his mom does respect him and is willing to stand up for him.  I really think that's awesome, OP.  

 

I also agree with the poster that said he was acting like a normal four year old and, no matter what his behavior, her's was completely unacceptable.  

 

The decision to allow grandma to have a relationship with him should not hinge on whether or not she apologizes.  You know that she behaves this way.  An apology is not going to protect him from future attacks.  You may decide that it is a worthwhile thing to continue a relationship, but I don't think the apology should have any bearing.  


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#37 of 54 Old 06-14-2011, 10:28 AM
 
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ALL I asked was

 

WAS there another way for me to have intrepreted "But to those who understand, it makes perfect sense"?

 

And now I'm arguing with you?????

 

It was a LEGITIMATE question. You accused me of twisitng your words. I quoted them exactly and showed it to you so you what I was responding to.

 

I'm the one that should be upset here. You implied that I was incapable of understanding the OP b/c her reactions didnt make sense to me.

 

And then to add insult You keep leaving the parts where I said the grandmother was wrong. She was. You keep quoting everything I said BUT that part.

 

The OP for escalating it in front of her son by grabbing her mother. You dont use physical intervention for a non physical threat and expect that it isnt going to escalate.

 

 

 

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#38 of 54 Old 06-14-2011, 02:24 PM
 
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It sounds to me like she was showing her son she'll stand up for him if someone verbally abuses him.

I do agree about the toy room, though. That was a nice gesture and you can't get controlling with grandparents about what toys they buy your kids. That's just not fair.


I disagree, I don't think there is a rule that because someone is family you just have to 'take whatever you get' so to speak.  I think it is an issue of respect.  In our family we don't like to live with a bunch of stuff or as I call it 'junk'.  My family knows this and so to respect our wishes and our families values they don't send us a bunch a of junk and they ask first before sending something.  I would feel disrespected if they thought that just because they think the kids should have something that we will want to live with it.  I think likewise if you want to have a respectful loving relationship with your grown children/grandchildren you respect the parents wishes about toys/clothes/gifts etc.  There is nothing wrong with wanting less or opting out of marketing exposure and materialism and nothing wrong for this mom to want nothing to do with it for her kids and her mom should respect that.
 

 

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#39 of 54 Old 06-14-2011, 02:33 PM
 
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I disagree, I don't think there is a rule that because someone is family you just have to 'take whatever you get' so to speak.  I think it is an issue of respect.  In our family we don't like to live with a bunch of stuff or as I call it 'junk'.  My family knows this and so to respect our wishes and our families values they don't send us a bunch a of junk and they ask first before sending something.  I would feel disrespected if they thought that just because they think the kids should have something that we will want to live with it.  I think likewise if you want to have a respectful loving relationship with your grown children/grandchildren you respect the parents wishes about toys/clothes/gifts etc.  There is nothing wrong with wanting less or opting out of marketing exposure and materialism and nothing wrong for this mom to want nothing to do with it for her kids and her mom should respect that.
 

 



That's an awfully simplistic attitude.

 

Yes, in the presence of other relationship issues, the toy one may just be icing on the cake, but on its own, it would be foolish IMO to cut a child's grandparents out of their lives just because they don't share the same toy values.

 

I value my kids' relationships with their grandparents far more than to let things like that interfere.  My ILs send the kids stuff that I would never buy for them all the time.  They are 70+ years old.  I'm not going to belittle them for having a different taste in characters and clothes that I do, or sabotage their relationship with my kids because they did things one way, thought it worked out pretty well, and want to do the same for their grandkids.  Heck, I'd even let them feed the kids Twinkies and other junk food during our sporadic visits.  They only get 3 remaining grandparents and an unknown amount of time with them.  Life is way too short to bicker over things like sometime exposure to batteries and plastic toys when relationships are at stake.

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#40 of 54 Old 06-14-2011, 02:49 PM
 
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Yes, in the presence of other relationship issues, the toy one may just be icing on the cake, but on its own, it would be foolish IMO to cut a child's grandparents out of their lives just because they don't share the same toy values.

 

I value my kids' relationships with their grandparents far more than to let things like that interfere.  My ILs send the kids stuff that I would never buy for them all the time.  They are 70+ years old.  I'm not going to belittle them for having a different taste in characters and clothes that I do, or sabotage their relationship with my kids because they did things one way, thought it worked out pretty well, and want to do the same for their grandkids.  Heck, I'd even let them feed the kids Twinkies and other junk food during our sporadic visits.  They only get 3 remaining grandparents and an unknown amount of time with them.  Life is way too short to bicker over things like sometime exposure to batteries and plastic toys when relationships are at stake.



I agree that there are a lot of things that I choose to "let go" with the grandparents for the sake of the relationship. Toys would be one of them even though I'd love to throw 90% of the insanely loud toys they buy out the window.  BUT, I think the point she was trying to make is about respect.  Grandparents do need to understand and should understand that they need to respect the parents' choices.  If I felt like that my choices were being consisently undermined, I would definitely take a stand and draw some clear boundaries.  If I want my kid to play with only green toys and granny brings over blue toys every week when she comes, I should be able to tell her it isn't acceptable.  Granny feeling my choices are outlandish doesn't change that it is my right to make those choices for my child and have the choices be respected.  I'm the parent. 

 

Also, I think most of the time when the line gets drawn in the sand over these things, it stems from the relationship with the grandparents being crappy to start with.  For instance, my relationship with my MIL includes zero respect from her.  So I am more likely to get snippy over "no, you can't feed by 4 month old whipped cream" than I am with my 90 year old grandpa who isn't quite all there, isn't purposely disrespecting me, and generally treats me well. 

 

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#41 of 54 Old 06-14-2011, 04:45 PM
 
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To expect the parents to keep a houseful of toys like that at their house would be disrespectful, but IMO the grandparents should be able to keep whatever toys they want at their house for the kids to play with. She set up a play room in her house for her grandkids. That's a nice thing. It seems very disrespectful to me to say, "Yeah but you didn't get the right toys." They're just for when at grandma's house.
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#42 of 54 Old 06-14-2011, 05:31 PM
 
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To expect the parents to keep a houseful of toys like that at their house would be disrespectful, but IMO the grandparents should be able to keep whatever toys they want at their house for the kids to play with. She set up a play room in her house for her grandkids. That's a nice thing. It seems very disrespectful to me to say, "Yeah but you didn't get the right toys." They're just for when at grandma's house.


I agree. This reminds me of my SIL who freaks out and makes a huge stink that my MIL has barbies at her house... her kids see MIL twice a year, are we really going to pick a fight about Barbies? There are a lot of things I don't love my kids to play with but I can talk with them about the hows and whys when we're at home and just let them enjoy their grandparents in the small amount of time they're with them. 


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#43 of 54 Old 06-14-2011, 08:36 PM
 
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To expect the parents to keep a houseful of toys like that at their house would be disrespectful, but IMO the grandparents should be able to keep whatever toys they want at their house for the kids to play with. She set up a play room in her house for her grandkids. That's a nice thing. It seems very disrespectful to me to say, "Yeah but you didn't get the right toys." They're just for when at grandma's house.


What if g'ma knows that parents do not want their children playing with toy guns.  Do the parents just have to roll over in your opinion, allow the children to play w/ them at g'ma's and not feel disrespected because g'ma knew their wishes and thought "eh, I don't give a cr*p what kind of values my child is trying to teach, they're not mine and it's my house so I'll do what I want.  What if it was bratz dolls or some toy that you didn't think was safe for your child (my mother insisted a child could never get hurt on a pogo stick, it's still in the box in the closet).  What if parents were Jewish and g'ma was buying lots of Christian themed toys?  In this case I think OP said it was plastic-y and battery operated toys she wasn't happy about, and that may seem less salient to some of us, but OP is the parent and it's her call.

 

Not only do I think parents have every right to put limits on what their children are exposed to anywhere, including g'ma's house, but I also think if the g'parents are not respecting those limits, the parent has every reason to be upset and put their foot down.


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#44 of 54 Old 06-15-2011, 01:30 PM
 
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What if g'ma knows that parents do not want their children playing with toy guns.  Do the parents just have to roll over in your opinion, allow the children to play w/ them at g'ma's and not feel disrespected because g'ma knew their wishes and thought "eh, I don't give a cr*p what kind of values my child is trying to teach, they're not mine and it's my house so I'll do what I want.  What if it was bratz dolls or some toy that you didn't think was safe for your child (my mother insisted a child could never get hurt on a pogo stick, it's still in the box in the closet).  What if parents were Jewish and g'ma was buying lots of Christian themed toys?  In this case I think OP said it was plastic-y and battery operated toys she wasn't happy about, and that may seem less salient to some of us, but OP is the parent and it's her call.

 

Not only do I think parents have every right to put limits on what their children are exposed to anywhere, including g'ma's house, but I also think if the g'parents are not respecting those limits, the parent has every reason to be upset and put their foot down.


Well, if grandma gave them arsenic and broken glass to play with, obviously that wouldn't be OK, so yes there is a line somewhere. But I'm not talking about anything that might come up - I'm talking about one grandma who tried to do something nice and created a playroom for her grandkids and bought toys for it made of plastic, some of which use batteries. Yes, I think it's rude in that specific case to say the toys aren't good enough.
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#45 of 54 Old 06-15-2011, 01:37 PM
 
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What if g'ma knows that parents do not want their children playing with toy guns.  Do the parents just have to roll over in your opinion, allow the children to play w/ them at g'ma's and not feel disrespected because g'ma knew their wishes and thought "eh, I don't give a cr*p what kind of values my child is trying to teach, they're not mine and it's my house so I'll do what I want.  What if it was bratz dolls or some toy that you didn't think was safe for your child (my mother insisted a child could never get hurt on a pogo stick, it's still in the box in the closet).  What if parents were Jewish and g'ma was buying lots of Christian themed toys?  In this case I think OP said it was plastic-y and battery operated toys she wasn't happy about, and that may seem less salient to some of us, but OP is the parent and it's her call.

 

Not only do I think parents have every right to put limits on what their children are exposed to anywhere, including g'ma's house, but I also think if the g'parents are not respecting those limits, the parent has every reason to be upset and put their foot down.




Well, if grandma gave them arsenic and broken glass to play with, obviously that wouldn't be OK, so yes there is a line somewhere. But I'm not talking about anything that might come up - I'm talking about one grandma who tried to do something nice and created a playroom for her grandkids and bought toys for it made of plastic, some of which use batteries. Yes, I think it's rude in that specific case to say the toys aren't good enough.



But WHO gets to decide what is an isn't appropriate?  The parents or grandparents?  I think the parents, regardless of how misguided their choices.  I would never pick a fight over plastic and batteries, but I would over toy guys.  Maybe another parent feels the opposite.  In the end, it should be the parents' right to decide, and the grandparents should respect that. 

 

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#46 of 54 Old 06-15-2011, 01:37 PM
 
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What if g'ma knows that parents do not want their children playing with toy guns.  Do the parents just have to roll over in your opinion, allow the children to play w/ them at g'ma's and not feel disrespected because g'ma knew their wishes and thought "eh, I don't give a cr*p what kind of values my child is trying to teach, they're not mine and it's my house so I'll do what I want.  What if it was bratz dolls or some toy that you didn't think was safe for your child (my mother insisted a child could never get hurt on a pogo stick, it's still in the box in the closet).  What if parents were Jewish and g'ma was buying lots of Christian themed toys?  In this case I think OP said it was plastic-y and battery operated toys she wasn't happy about, and that may seem less salient to some of us, but OP is the parent and it's her call.

 

Not only do I think parents have every right to put limits on what their children are exposed to anywhere, including g'ma's house, but I also think if the g'parents are not respecting those limits, the parent has every reason to be upset and put their foot down.




Well, if grandma gave them arsenic and broken glass to play with, obviously that wouldn't be OK, so yes there is a line somewhere. But I'm not talking about anything that might come up - I'm talking about one grandma who tried to do something nice and created a playroom for her grandkids and bought toys for it made of plastic, some of which use batteries. Yes, I think it's rude in that specific case to say the toys aren't good enough.


I guess for me the more profound problem is that grandma knew of her dd's wishes and chose to go against them.  That's very disrespectful.  I know that for both my husband and myself, it is important and feels good to have our parents respect us as parents.  It would be hurtful to have them so blatantly disrespect us that way.

 

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#47 of 54 Old 06-17-2011, 08:06 PM
 
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I haven't read all the responses, but I would like to respond to say that I think removing the grandmother from your child's life is not a good solution to this situation.

When I was growing up there was a very similar dynamic between my mother and her mother, mostly over expectations about my younger brother's behavior (he was high-needs, odd, spectrum-y, etc). My grandparents took a tougher -- though I think reasonable, and well-humored -- approach to my brother's very difficult behavior. This was, apparently, triggering for my mother. My mother decided to stop all interaction with her parents for years, and forbid me to spend time with them as well. 

 

I understand that it was hard for my mother to deal with this situation, but I really think her reaction to it was all about her own feelings and not about what my brother was actually experiencing. However, my mother's solution -- completely splitting for her parents for most of our childhoods -- did not protect my brother and I. Instead it caused us (me more than him, actually, because of my age) to lose out on our relationships with our grandparents.

 

My mother later came to peace with her parents, thank God. After 10 years of work, they were able to have a loving relationship. Sadly it was too late for me, as I was convinced from a young age that the problem with my grandparents was my fault, and that I was somehow part of the problem (because my mother told them they favored me, etc). My brother was able to rebuild a relationship with our grandparents, as he was about 13 when my mother reconciled with her parents. I, on the other hand, was already away from home and separated from my family for my own reasons.

 

OP, I know it's hard now, but please, think of the harm that a permanent split from your mother could do to your son, especially if he thinks it's all about him. I agree with previous posters, if you know that the food thing is one of your son's ways of acting out right now, perhaps you could express that to your mother. Say "yes, this is his hill to die on right now. Let's let this blow over for the time being" (or whatever your strategy is for dealing with this). Don't let a little -- and known -- tantrum become the reason to split from your mother. If there are other and larger reasons, that are really between YOU TWO, perhaps those are the things to think about, perhaps those are the things to discuss with your mother. Work through your relationship together (or don't), but don't make it all about your son, please. 

 

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#48 of 54 Old 06-18-2011, 10:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OP here.

I want to clear a few things up. Of course I was addressing my son's behavior. I was calmly and repeatedly asking him to speak nicely. I wasn't screaming back at him which is the reaction my mother was probably looking for from me. So she felt the need to "handle it."

When I do something wrong, such as yell, I apologize to my son. Even if I have to do it 3 times in a day. Apologies are important. Pride can destroy a person.

As for the toys, it's a control thing with her. When she built the room she asked me what he liked and I told her along with things we are avoiding. She knows we don't like mass marketed character toys and she buys them anyway to simply flex her muscles and control everything.

We are not speaking but will be at the same event tonight. I am dreading it.

I'm just rather depressed about the whole thing.
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#49 of 54 Old 06-18-2011, 12:07 PM
 
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OP-- I hope things go okay for you tonight.  I understand the whole flexing control thing on the toys because my mom is just like that.  Same thing with how I "discipline."  I have no other advice...just a hug and to tell you I understand. 

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#50 of 54 Old 06-18-2011, 02:41 PM
 
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OP -- our moms are not really similar in personality, but I feel that I can identify with your situation because my mom has also completely disregarded me when I have told her that it was not okay for her to say certain things to my children. At more than one point, I have felt that we have reached "the end" and that I could never speak to her or see her again. The disrespect was just too hurtful.

 

But...my mom is 39 years older than me (she's 86 now), and, after some time would pass I'd start wondering if she was still in good health or even alive. I even subscribed to her church's newsletter so that I could be alerted if she was in the hospital or something (by the way, I'm still glad to be getting this, because one of my old friends from high school suddenly died last September, and my mom never even mentioned it to me -- but I know she knew about it since I saw her at his memorial service, and I was so glad that I saw the notice in the newsletter and got to go because I was able to renew a couple of old friendships, including my friendship with my friend's bereaved wife).

 

At any rate, what has been working for us for some time now is that we don't allow her any unsupervised visits with our girls. We currently visit her, as a family group, for about 1-2 hours every two or three months or so.

 

I've become so much more at peace now that I've just accepted that she's not going to ever respect me or any boundaries that I've set (even though she'll always feign agreement), or even remember that I'm sick of hearing, over and over again ad nauseum, about stuff like how my unpopularity in school made it really hard for my poor brother, who was two grades behind me, to make any friends because he was stigmatized as the brother of the weirdo...

 

Since I no longer waste my breath trying to explain, for the gazillionth time, why what she just said to one of my girls or me was not okay, I have soooo much more energy for relaxing and enjoying life!

 

Now, if she starts off on a tangent that I don't find acceptable for the girls or me to hear, I can do one of the following two things:

 

a) Change the subject. Example: "Hey mom, why don't you tell the girls about the time that you and your brothers walked home from school in that blizzard?"

b) If she's in a tenacious enough frame of mind to not be willing to change the subject, or if I'm so ticked off by what she just said that I just feel like I'm done with her and don't even care to try to change the subject, I say something like, "Oh, gosh, it looks like we need to get going." Since my girls aren't always quick to transition, I'll say something like, "Okay girls, you need to be finishing up (usually, at Mom's, it would be a TV show); we need to leave pretty quickly."

 

I actually haven't had many problems, of late, getting them to make this transition...and, forgetful as my mom my seem, now that I've formed this habit of not even confronting her about her misdeeds, but just "movin' right along," her inappropriate digressions have gotten less and less frequent.

 

The thing is, back when I'd get upset with her and explain myself over and over in some fruitless attempt to get her to listen to me and see my point of view, I was actually feeding into her control drama. I was giving her the power to make me angry! Once I realized that she really wasn't ever going to change, this freed me up to decide how, to what extent, and even if, I wanted to deal with her. And my decision to just get up and quicly extricate my family and myself from any negative interactions, has had a whole lot more impact on my Mom's behavior than all my years of attempting to appeal to her as a fellow human being.

 

 


Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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#51 of 54 Old 02-22-2012, 05:01 AM
 
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You, are making a rod for your own back.  Teaching your child that it's OK to be rude to an adult and expect the adult to apologise after the child, was rude to her?  Believe me, you will deeply regret this in years to come when your child is grown and treats you with such disrespect, don't complain.  You taught him.

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#52 of 54 Old 02-22-2012, 08:52 AM
 
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My 2 cents is to tread lightly when cutting out family members. I'm surprised so many posters jump straight to that. It can become generational. I know a woman who grew up watching her mom cut out "toxic" family. Now, this woman feels totally okay cutting out her mother over a disagreement. It's what she grew up with & what she knows. Her mother is heartbroken over not seeing her grandchildren, but, really, what did she expect? That's what she modeled & taught her daughter. Of course, abusive situations are a different story, but, I wouldn't cut out a family member over a disagreement of the OP's nature. Maybe set some ground rules & reduce/supervise visits, but, not totally cut out my mom over a heated moment.
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#53 of 54 Old 02-22-2012, 10:18 AM
 
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I'm so sorry this happened, it sounds hard. And a lifetime of dealing with that behavior - not good.

 

I will add this though about the cutting off. Think real hard before you do it. My parents cut off a lot of people who were important to me, and as a grown up I have a lot of questions about that. Be sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

 

Good luck.

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#54 of 54 Old 03-09-2012, 06:40 PM
 
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I might not cut her off but I would seriously limit where and how much time I would spend with that family member. Id probably also avoid their house (I find that meeting in a public place puts everyone on their best behavior, at least for adults) and avoid situations that might cause conflict (no lunch dates). I found that my inlaws were best when they were out doing an activity with the kids so we would met someplace where they could play with the kids.

 

As for the original situation, Id probably not have even tried to get my 4 year old to eat. Mine went through a phase like that and when she refused I just put her food to one side and went on with lunch. She either came to the table and ate with us or went hungry. I know some people probably would call me a bad mom for that BUT I refuse to fight someone to eat and I knew she wouldn't starve herself. 9 times out of 10 she ate with us. The last time she got to wait for snack time (my children have a chance for a snack every 2 hours or so) and then got a chance to eat something. For me, fighting over whether or not she would eat her lunch wasn't something I wanted to do. Shes a healthy kid, missing 1 meal won't kill her.


~Heather~ Mama to Miss E (1/07), Miss A (11/08), Mr.T (2/11) and Miss A (10/12) Expecting our newest blessing sometime late Sept/early Oct.. Wife to my Marine since 11/2005
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