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#31 of 36 Old 06-25-2011, 02:42 AM
 
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Originally Posted by rightkindofme View Post

So it sounds like we are getting closer to a definition of "cry it out".  Because so far I haven't really understood exactly what people mean.  So when people say CIO is wrong they are saying that leaving your kid to scream themselves to sleep *every single night* is a problem.  What if it's once a week?  Once a month?  Every other night?  I'm slightly being snarky, but only a little.

 

 


I think anytime you make a decision to leave your child to cry uncomforted because you think it is teaching them some useful life lesson then you are practicing CIO. 

 

And I do think it is a problem in itself but it can also be a symptom of a bigger problem. IME the bigger problem is parents getting bad advice and/or not listening to their instincts. I don't think CIO is always, or even often, a flag for abuse. It is a widely recognised, accepted, supported and encouraged parenting practice in the wider world. And I agree with PPs that most parents find it difficult to implement but do so because they believe that it is benefiting (or at least not harming) their child.

 

I guess I'm not really sure what your point is with your last post. "You shouldn't be screwed up" because your mother didn't practice CIO? Well there are plenty of ways to mistreat a child. I'm certainly not saying do anything you like and it's all fine because you didn't CIO. But just because other things are bad doesn't make CIO ok either.


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#32 of 36 Old 06-25-2011, 10:43 AM
 
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I'm not sure what people mean when they say that a parenting technique is or is not "ok".  To whom?  By what standard?  What exactly does that mean?  Because CIO is not abuse.  It just isn't.  No CPS agent is going to take away a baby from a family practicing the Ferber technique if they are otherwise excellently caring for their child.  It seems like the vast majority of people on this site don't like it, and they think people shouldn't do it (totally reasonably!) but that still doesn't make it "not ok".  

 

Does that make sense?  To me "not ok" is you don't beat them.  That's absolutely completely over the line.  But how do you evaluate the things that are more muddy?  What does "not ok" mean exactly? 

 

I swear I am not advocating CIO or being a troll.  This is something I wrestle with.  My 10 month cries the same way if I put her in the pack n play for 15 minutes or if I have a drink in front of her without sharing.  Is one of those occasions horribly traumatic and I am a terrible mother and the other is fine?  Or am I always evil and I just don't know it?


My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#33 of 36 Old 06-25-2011, 11:52 AM
 
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I was horribly abused and beaten on a regular basis as well as told how much I was hated and unwanted when I was growing up. I am insecure and needy. I always think people don't like me. I don't know if I am right. I treat my children well and love them very much. End does not justify the means though. And if my being abused is ok, then my treating my children well and loving on them must not mean much either.

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#34 of 36 Old 06-25-2011, 12:27 PM
 
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For me, CIO is "not ok" because it causes developmental trauma. There's a big difference between the times when your kid cries because they can't have something they want and the times when they have a need for something like food, comfort, or affection and they are left to cry for an extended period of time until they go into a dissociative state of consciousness. If a child has a series of unhealed developmental traumas, it can lead to problems when they get older like mood disorders or difficulty with inter-personal relationships. 

 

Speaking from personal experience, there are a lot of ways you can harm your kids without ever beating them. Obviously, CPS isn't going to come knocking on your door for doing CIO, but that's a pretty low bar there. But if you want to raise your kids to be as emotionally healthy as possible, CIO is "not ok".

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#35 of 36 Old 06-25-2011, 05:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by miami mommy View Post

For me, CIO is "not ok" because it causes developmental trauma. There's a big difference between the times when your kid cries because they can't have something they want and the times when they have a need for something like food, comfort, or affection and they are left to cry for an extended period of time until they go into a dissociative state of consciousness. If a child has a series of unhealed developmental traumas, it can lead to problems when they get older like mood disorders or difficulty with inter-personal relationships. 

 

Speaking from personal experience, there are a lot of ways you can harm your kids without ever beating them. Obviously, CPS isn't going to come knocking on your door for doing CIO, but that's a pretty low bar there. But if you want to raise your kids to be as emotionally healthy as possible, CIO is "not ok".


Yes!

 

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#36 of 36 Old 06-26-2011, 09:09 PM
 
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Actually, sometimes they will. When ds1 was 11 months and a complete zombie from lack of sleep, I tried CIO for a couple hours during the day in a desperate attempt to try to get the poor kids some desperately needed sleep, 2 days in a row. After the 2nd time (using the supposedly gentle pick up put down method) when he was a complete sobbing wreck, I decided I'd never do that again. 2 days later, 2 social workers were on my door step to check on ds. They said it was because someone had reported he wasn't being fed but...yeah, it was the crying.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by miami mommy View Post
Obviously, CPS isn't going to come knocking on your door for doing CIO, but that's a pretty low bar there. But if you want to raise your kids to be as emotionally healthy as possible, CIO is "not ok".


 


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