I don't want to be a wife and mother anymore. - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 01:16 PM
 
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Funny Face--I am sorry you are feeling this way.  I think most of us go through periods of time where we can relate in one way or another.  So glad to hear you are taking care of yourself by heading to the counselor.  What about your DH?  It sounds like he needs to own his issues with depression and get some help too.  It must be a lot of work without another person able to help you out. 

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#62 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 01:48 PM
 
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OP--I haven't read all the replies so I don't know if this was mentioned, but I think I noticed in another recent thread that you just made some major dietary chances recently?  I don't know how long you've been feeling this way, but I know diet changes can really affect the way you feel while your body adjusts.  Just thought I'd throw that out there as something else to possibly explore.  hug2.gif

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#63 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 01:53 PM
 
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Funny Face- I homeschool also, and when #3 was a tiny baby my dh went through a depression. And he worked 2nd shift. It was horrible for me, I felt totally alone. Also we were broke, with one car, and I was stuck at home. #3 was a high-needs baby. I was SO ANGRY at dh for being depressed, why didn't he pull out of it like I always did? Why did he have to sleep all the damn time when he wasn't working? Why wouldn't he get up and help with the kids? And why wouldn't he go get help? Of course I was in my own depression(which was I think a combination of ppd and having a high needs baby, it was all hard to handle for me). And we had just moved, and dh started a new job. At the time it was so overwhelming I wanted to beat everyone and leave forever. There were so many factors affecting us both and neither one of us I guess worried about pulling the other through it. We both eventually did come out ok and now 8 years later things are perfect between us(except now we have 2 teenagers, gah!!) But I do look back on those months as being dark. It was just a dark time in my life.

 

I never did stop homeschooling, or breastfeeding, I remember being told to stop and get a job. The idea of that made me feel sick. Maybe I'd have gotten used to it, I don't know. But it got bad enough that I searched yahoo groups for "depression" + "homeschool" and found a wonderful group of moms. I don't know if it's still there, but if not there should be others.

 

As my kids all got older, I felt freer and freer. My youngest became less attached and I was able to go out with friends. Dh came out of his depression somehow and things got better, we grew up more. I have a feeling his experience showed him what I went through with depression and he seemed to be more understanding. Has this been a longer-term depression with your husband?

 

Whatever the case, I hope you find some relief soon. I am lucky that my two best friends studying psychology in college. That helps so much. If you feel like it, I'd like to hear how you're doing after counseling. Feel free to private message me also.


drowning in hormones with 4 daughters and an understanding, loving hubby. also some dogs. my life is crazy and we are always learning.

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#64 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 02:30 PM
 
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Therefore, what *can* she do *now* to help resolve a desperate situation? thus far, I've yet to read what concrete solutions you're suggesting? (other than offering yourself up as a paragon of attachment parenting. . .. . )

 

Huh...I never once said I was a paragon of attachment parenting??.  In fact, I said repeatedly that I leave my kids quite often.  And, I teach them to be independent and help out so it's not all on me to entertain them and do everything for them.   All of which probably makes me "less AP" in some people's minds.  I don't spend hours a day reading stories or playing with my kids. I let them entertain themselves a lot, even from a younger age.

 

Fine..you want concrete examples of things I've done to do when I was burnt out or at the end of my rope.

 

1) put a movie on for the older 2 and take a nap with the baby.

2) put the 2 little ones in a double stroller and take a walk with the older one riding a bike

3) Leave the 6-yo with a neighbor, friend/etc. and take a walk with the younger 2 in a stroller (probably more relaxing than number 2).

4) Take a moment when the kids are playing together nicely to blog or journal.

5) Meet friends at a safe, toddler-friendly park, sit on a grassy shady area and chill and talk for a couple of hours while the 6 yo and 2 yo play

6)  Call a friend, and teach your kids not to bother you when on the phone.

7) Pay the 6-yo to play with the 2-yo and entertain him/her and read a book, watch a movie, knit, crochet, whatever you like

8) Hire a mother's helper to help clean or watch the kids while you clean (ok, so I've never done this, but it can work).

9) Leave the older 2 at home and take the baby to a coffee shop or park and sit and read and sip a coffee/tea/etc.

 

All I'm saying is that every second of every day doesn't have to be all about the kids..even when you are WITH the kids.  And, that probably makes me much less of a paragon of AP than most others on this board. 

 

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#65 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 04:44 PM
 
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I am glad that lack of support isn't an issue for you. I was posting about me and my needs.

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#66 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 06:10 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

Thank you all for your kind replies, hugs and thoughts. I've been trying to get back to post but don't have free hands often.

 

I'll start by saying I've got an appt for counseling tomorrow night. I'm hoping it is a good fit.

 

I'm most frustrated that I try to balance everything and make sure I get some 'me time' but it just never. works. out. 

 

Like someone posted, I don't think giving up any of the 'extra' things I do would necessarily help. They are some of the things about mothering that make me feel like I'm part of the equation. Like I'm allowed to choose a little bit what being a parent is like for me. At times I've cut back on some of those things but I feel a little bit more at peace when I actually find a way to do the things I feel convicted to do. The hard part is not having any support in doing them. I think I would feel even more hopeless if I gave up on some of the things that matter to me.

 

My kids are 5, 2 and 6mo. I day dream sometimes about taking dd to school next year but I know that isn't the answer either because having a kid in school is hard work too! 

 

I absolutely feel sometimes like life is just impossible. My dh is depressed and isn't taking any steps to get better. It means that all of his lack of energy ends up falling on me to make up for it. It's been 6 years of trying to keep afloat.

 

 

I'm COMPLETELY overwhelmed. Every day feels like a race, a marathon.

 

Wanted to say more but baby is crying, again. greensad.gif

 

 



I don't think anyone was trying to say that you should give those things up, but that you can if you want to. Sometimes, our choices can begin to feel like obligations and giving ourselves permission to make other choices can help us realize what is or isn't really important.

 

And good luck tonight.

 

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I do what works and when it stops working, then I do something else.
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#67 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 06:16 PM
 
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big hug!!! i feel like that sometimes too. Tell me it's not just us!


Texmati-- Knitter, Hindu, vegetarian, WOHM. Wife to superdadsuperhero.gif and mom to DS babyf.gif24 months, and DD boc.gif 8 months! .

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#68 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 06:38 PM
 
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hug2.gif Really sorry you're going through this difficult time. I hope that your appointment went well tonight... counseling can provide a lot of insight & power to make needed changes.

 


Mama to my little busy bee. 

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#69 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 06:43 PM
 
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quote doesn't work for me ...

 

 

 

I'll start by saying I've got an appt for counseling tomorrow night. I'm hoping it is a good fit.

 
Good luck with the appointment - it's a great idea.

 

 

 

I'm most frustrated that I try to balance everything and make sure I get some 'me time' but it just never. works. out. 

 
This may be the first problem you can try to solve with the help of a counselor, how to get some time for yourself - it sounds like you really need it.  For now and in the long run.
 
 
 

Like someone posted, I don't think giving up any of the 'extra' things I do would necessarily help. They are some of the things about mothering that make me feel like I'm part of the equation. Like I'm allowed to choose a little bit what being a parent is like for me. At times I've cut back on some of those things but I feel a little bit more at peace when I actually find a way to do the things I feel convicted to do. The hard part is not having any support in doing them. I think I would feel even more hopeless if I gave up on some of the things that matter to me.

 
I know what you mean.  If and when you're ready to compromise or give up on anything, you'll - know - it.
 

 

 

 

My kids are 5, 2 and 6mo. I day dream sometimes about taking dd to school next year but I know that isn't the answer either because having a kid in school is hard work too! 

 

You're right, it can be hard work too even once the kid is in school.  But if I were you, I'd entertain the idea a little longer. Sometimes, the school have a parent orientation for incoming students - perhaps you can attend just to check things out?  You don't have to decide anything.

 

 

 

I absolutely feel sometimes like life is just impossible. My dh is depressed and isn't taking any steps to get better. It means that all of his lack of energy ends up falling on me to make up for it. It's been 6 years of trying to keep afloat.

 
Oh, dear, I'm so sorry hug2.gif  I don't know what to tell you - that'd be hard for a spouse even without any children.
 
 

 

I'm COMPLETELY overwhelmed. Every day feels like a race, a marathon.

 
You'll figure it out, take it one baby step at a time - don't forget we're here, use the online support here. hug2.gif
 

 

 

 

 

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#70 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 06:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by DariusMom View Post


oh come on . . . no one is telling her what she's doing isn't valuable! People are offering concrete suggestions based on what she posted and based on their own experiences. These suggestions may or may not resonate with the OP and she can take or leave them. But not one person has said that what she's doing isn't valuable or important or worthwhile. What people are saying is that when a person is desperate enough to post that she wishes she weren't a wife or mother anymore, that something has to change. Moreover, people are saying that, as nice as it would be for society to change in all sorts of intrinsic ways to value her tandem nursing and cloth-diapering, that ain't gonna' happen anytime soon. Therefore, what *can* she do *now* to help resolve a desperate situation? thus far, I've yet to read what concrete solutions you're suggesting? (other than offering yourself up as a paragon of attachment parenting. . .. . )

 

 


 

 

Guys, please go back and read the OP's first post.  Please stop bickering.  Take it to PM.  Let's concentrate on offering this mama some support.  She doesn't need to have a debate break out on this thread.

 

Funny Face .... 

 

I am so sorry about your husband.  How well I know what that is like to have to "carry" someone who is depressed.  It literally can kill all the life, energy and joy in your life.  My DH is going thru a very stressful time job-wise right now.  And he plummets and spirals down for several days a week.  And I have to carry the entire family emotionally.  Most especially him.  It is so freaking draining.  And this has been going on for about a year only.   

 

I am not depressed, but I see how my husband's depressed moods completely drown away my joy .... 

 

 

So just more hugs .... there is a lot of good advice here ... of women who have taken on a life like yours ... a life dedicated to your kids and an amazing lifestyle (one I didn' t have even half enough energy to do myself) .... I hope you find some answers and support here.

 

((((((((hug)))))))))

 


Kids. I got two of 'em.
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#71 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 07:02 PM
 
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just wanted to offer some hugs, I hope you get the help you need soon. Having a depressed husband on top of everything else must just be so hard.

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#72 of 142 Old 06-29-2011, 08:33 PM
 
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Long terms, having parents who are not depressed and resentful of each other and the children, is more important to the children's future than all the cloth diapers, hours of homeschooling and tandem nursing put together.  I am saying as person had a childhood with a depressed mother and as person who read studies on this subject.

 

I have a husband who had deep depression. It  very very had to be married to someone ill. While society if very kind towards spouses who are caregiver to cancer victim...we do not have the same attitude about men tall illness.

 

I am so glad to hear you are seeing a counselor. Marriage counseling may also help

 

Depression can be very biochemical and can requires meds, It can be environmental and one simply needs to change eatery ones attitude toward the circumcise or one's circumstance.  I hate my job and I have 2 choices: get another one or find something I like about my current job.

This is something you can explore with your therapist.

 

I hope you and your husband will get better.

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#73 of 142 Old 06-30-2011, 12:46 AM
 
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You're absolutely right! redface.gif

 

OP, I'm sorry things are so tough for you now. I'm glad you're getting counseling and I hope your DH can get some help, too. Hang in there.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Subhuti View Post



Guys, please go back and read the OP's first post.  Please stop bickering.  Take it to PM.  Let's concentrate on offering this mama some support.  She doesn't need to have a debate break out on this thread.

 



 

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#74 of 142 Old 06-30-2011, 03:04 AM
 
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I didn't have time to read any of the replies, so I hope I'm not saying anything that was already talked about..... (sorry if so).....

 

I have wondered what the solution would be if I eventually have those feelings, and I've wondered why some women seem to get "burnt out" more quickly than others. I think a lot of it lies in your hubby (talking generally, not yours specifically) and how often he does things that give you a break (whatever that might be).

 

So basically, if it isn't depression, I think what it comes down to is....support from the spouse. I do think that support isn't always easily gained (depending on your husband's disposition, habits, upbringing, etc). So what I'm going to say below is basically how things work for us. I consider myself lucky, that my spouse adapted pretty easily to taking care of me when I needed it, emotionally. If it doesn't come easy, it may take some conversations to get there (more on that below).

 

Anyways, I think it depends on the woman, what helps her feel "free" or better. First of all, my husband has figured out how to tell when I need help.....by seeing if I look/act exhausted and frustrated, or by just listening for me to tell him, "honey, I need ______." I don't use the word "need" lightly, so when I use it, he knows I mean it. About 20% of the time, he'll drop the ball and not help out when I use that word, but then I get upset, and he realizes quickly that he screwed up big time. (yes, it sounds like I have him whipped, but it's moreso that we each try to step up to the plate and help the other person when we know they really need it. I do the same for him, so that is the key to this working).

 

In terms of what makes me happy and helps me (just as a point of reference): I hate to drive around here, though I do it sometimes. So for me, him going out and getting me whatever fruit smoothie I want from Whole Foods, then whatever chocolate bar I want, then just letting me veg in front of the TV and doing the dishes, is enough to "reset" me. Sometimes it takes a few days though, of him knowing I'm going through a rough time, and him just trying to get more done around the house for me. I don't ever need anything fancy, but just him driving somewhere to grab me whatever treat I want, often helps. But he will normally do this when I need it, be it once a month, or three times a month. I think that knowing I can lean on him, and just get a "free pass" for an hour, really helps.

 

It means a lot to me to know that if I ever get sick of being a housewife, he is there to prop me up until I'm enjoying myself again. (If you are depressed though, obviously it would take more than that.....you can't really lean on someone else to get through depression; it just doesn't work like that, and it will often make things worse because you then exhaust the people closest to you, in addition to your being "spent"). So back to him being there for me......I just can't imagine this "job" of being a housewife/mother without having your partner's support. I think that is basically the key.

 

Now, you catch more flies with honey than .....something bitter???? (forget the saying). Anyways, if you think this could just be a lack of support and not depression (but if it is depression, don't bother taking this route...) I would just tell your partner NICELY that you have been feeling really worn down by ......-either not focusing much on yourself/having downtime......or, -by not feeling like you have much support from him (and give practical examples of what he could be doing, like washing dishes every other night, cleaning the coffeemaker, listening more, voicing appreciation more, etc....since "support" is very vague and most people won't know what you want them to do). Basically, you want to come from a place of love and "I want to make this work for us", because adults don't like feeling like their spouse is ordering them around. So just saying, "please start doing X" is often not interpreted well. But basically, I do think it would be good for you to suggest ways that your spouse could be lifting you up. Figure out what you need, then (very respectfully) suggest/ask for it. I find that most rational, kind adults will try to help someone out when they realize it will make life in the home happier and smoother. And this job is too hard to do, without feeling like we are respected and our partners and kids will do things to appreciate Mom! Maybe your spouse could try getting your kids involved too, in special things to do for mom, to make her life/job/sanity better.

 

Sidenote: Be sure also that he feels HIS needs are being met (you may have to ask him this question). Because it can be pointless to ask someone to meet your needs, if you don't make sure theirs are being met. So if your requests for help aren't working, you may want to ask, "Do you feel I'm meeting your needs? Is there anything I can/should be doing differently?" I know this seems very ironic considering the original post here, but maybe he is acting out because he has "a bone to pick" about something, or is bitter about something, and that's why he isn't puling through and supporting you. So it's good to just be sure that isn't the case, if these "please help me" convos aren't getting you anywhere.

 

Sometimes the solution is just to show genuine care and interest for your spouse, and then all of a sudden, they start doing the same for you (then your job becomes easier). Sometimes I've noticed that if I do a small favor for my hubby that is unexepected, he'll often "return the favor" five-fold. Then before I know it, my life starts looking easier, because of a seed I planted. I know it sounds terribly ironic, but it is honestly what has worked for me. I don't have kids though, so I'm not sure how it factors in with children.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!! Blessings.......

 

 

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#75 of 142 Old 06-30-2011, 03:28 AM
 
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Also, one thing I've noticed helps me, is to think back to the last time I felt really good. (even if that was 10 years ago!) What kind of music was I listening to? What was I doing with my free time? What was I eating? Sometimes just simple "throwbacks" can change your attitude. Even though you are a wife and mommy now, it doesn't mean you can't do things that "scream" YOU. Like get back into an old hobby that made you happy, blast your favorite band from your speakers, etc. I know it sounds corny, but it does kinda work, from my experience.

 

It may be time to make some changes in your daily routines. Don't make any one thing in your life an "idol." Like I had to give up a few healthy habits, just to get my sanity back. But I am healhier now overall, because of it.

 

Some people will disagree with me on this......but if it's depression, I'd urge you to see a psychiatrist. It is amazing how an SSRI like Zoloft can bring a person back to their old self, in some cases. I think some of them can be taken while breastfeeding, but I'm not sure.

 

Then there are things like 5-HTP that are natural (I wouldn't combine it with meds, etc). If you go to iherb.com, there are often hundreds of reviews for products (the NOW brand is popular among reviewers, so I normally find lots of reviews under those). I have used those reviews to help me decide what to order, when no money was available to see a naturopath. On iherb.com, you can also just click on a health condition like "Depression" and they will give suggestions, then you can read the reviews. I do that a lot, on that site. Good luck.

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#76 of 142 Old 06-30-2011, 06:24 AM
 
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Darius Mom ... I should have edited to ad... that I am sorry for singling you out . ... AND what you are discussing is valid ... but ... you get my point.  :)  DM -- I love your posts and always enjoy what you have to say, BTW.  :)

 

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You're absolutely right! redface.gif

 

OP, I'm sorry things are so tough for you now. I'm glad you're getting counseling and I hope your DH can get some help, too. Hang in there.
 



 



 


Kids. I got two of 'em.
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#77 of 142 Old 06-30-2011, 07:06 AM
 
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May be it's time to redefine "being a good mother." duck.gif

 

I don't know anything about you but what is on your signature -- you homeschool, tandum nurse, and use cloth diapers. You don't  have to. You can make different choices and make time for yourself in your life. Being a mother doesn't mean that every single minute of the day and night HAS to be about someone else. It is possible to be a good mother and have balance in your life. 

Agreed.

 

Redefine. Reframe.

 

And even if it's just for a few hours, put some distance between you and all the "stuff", have some fun, take a rest, eat something yummy, and give yourself the opportunity to have a different perspective.

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#78 of 142 Old 06-30-2011, 08:05 AM
 
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How are you doing today?

 

Sending a vibe and a prayer that you have clarity and peace.

 

hug2.gif

 

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#79 of 142 Old 06-30-2011, 08:43 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

 

At times I've cut back on some of those things but I feel a little bit more at peace when I actually find a way to do the things I feel convicted to do.


 


 

It really stands out to me that the word you use to explain why you parent the way you do is the same word used for someone who is guilty of crime and will now be punished. The words we use the the way we think about things are EXTREMELY powerful. Without getting into *what* you are doing, I think it would be very freeing for you to re-frame your parenting in terms that are less about deserving and receiving punishment.

 

I also think that a lot of this thread has ended up being about parenting, but I think a huge chunk of the problem is your marriage. You might double post on parents as partners.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#80 of 142 Old 06-30-2011, 01:27 PM
 
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You said some of this has been going on for six years....Leviticus 25 mentions the sabbatical year: a year of rest after six years of working.  It sounds like you could really use this kind of rest.  It's not easy to implement in our modern culture and economy--I've had to keep working at my "day job" during mine--but I pray that God will help you find your way to one soon. 

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#81 of 142 Old 06-30-2011, 03:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been checking back in as I could and reading a few responses at a time. You all have given me a lot to think about. And mostly I wanted to say that I am so thankful to have somewhere safe where I can say such a taboo thing.

 

I'm going to try to answer some questions.

 

I did start eating vegan about 3-4 months ago. While I have felt this way longer than that, I might still go in for some blood work and a physical because a deficiency could certainly be contributing to how intense things feel for me now. I've had my thyroid checked in the past because of how tired and physically depressed I felt but everything was fine. I just needed rest and sleep, apparently. 

 

My dh has been depressed since we married. It is easier to see in retrospect as he always had reasons he was depressed before. I've felt this overwhelming need to run away off and on for 2 years now but I was holding out hope that when he graduated from school we had a chance to make things better and that maybe I would have the support I needed from him. 6 months out now and things have not improved to the degree that I'd hoped. And he is still depressed and I realized, after writing my OP that he has never done anything to get help other than make excuses.

 

I've been enabling him by holding his life up for him and I'm going to have to stop. Hopefully counseling will help me with that. This counselor also does marriage counseling so that will help (though we've been in marriage counseling nearly half of our marriage).

 

I've kept saying I need help and support. I could not make it any clearer. But he either feels attacked that he's 'never good enough' or he makes promises he never keeps.

 

I finally called my mom and told her I needed help. I asked if I could pay her to watch the kids a few hours a week so I can clean the house. A trashed house is a huge anxiety trigger for me and being able to clean in peace and reap the benefits will do me some good.

 

Finances are hard right now. We are in debt and trying to pay it off while one thing after another comes up. I am solely responsible for finances and that is a huge stress right now too.

 

On top of that I have finally figured out that my dd has what is called a 'feeding disorder' and am finally seeking help. I thought all this time that if I just tried harder or tried another strategy that I could help her learn to like food. 5 years of feeding nightmares and I find out there is a name for such a thing. I feel TERRIBLE that I couldn't know this sooner but hopeful that there is help on the horizon.

 

If I think back to the last time I was REALLY happy it was when I was first married and dd was a baby. I've tried to remain positive since then and pull myself up by my bootstraps but it has been a constant struggle. I think I was happy then because I had one child who I felt capable of meeting her needs and looked forward to what life would bring for her. I was a SAHM going back to school and still thought that dh just needed more support and he would learn to enjoy life too. 

 

Most of the time I think that if I could just eat a meal when I'm actually hungry, or call a friend without someone climbing on top of the fridge or plan an outing where I don't have to drag someone kicking and screaming back home that I could fair much better.

 

I also had this idea that if I parented my children with respect and gentleness that I would, over time, receive that back from them. That a non violent home would mean that I didn't have a 5 year old who kicked and spit at me and saw me as an ally instead of a big, fat meanie.

 

I resent that there are people out there in the world who work and are appreciated and valued and they get off work and ask themselves what they would like to eat for dinner, if they would like to take a bath or watch a movie and are then able to do those things.

 

And I work just as hard 24/7 and no one sees, no one cares. In fact my husband thinks our life is 'all about me' and that I am controlling and impossible to please.

 

I'm sorry I couldn't respond to each post individually, I would have liked too because there were so many good thoughts and good questions. I so appreciate all of your support.

 

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#82 of 142 Old 06-30-2011, 03:30 PM
 
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Wow! What a lot of stressors in your life.

 

Hooray for you for calling your mom and asking for help. That's a huge step and it's often very hard to tell people close to you that you're not doing well and you need help. I totally understand about the messy house causing anxiety. If you can get a support network of people who can give you some help and some relief, that would be great. Just remember that until very recently, we lived in villages where we had a network of mothers, aunts, cousins, friends who could watch the kids for us and with us. The industrial revolution put an end to lots of that, but our biology still really would like that village.

 

I'm hoping the counselor can help you figure out what you need to do and how you can help reduce some of the stress in your life -- being the one who's in charge of finances, kids, the house, etc. is really really stressful. I wish there was an easy way to get your husband in for counseling/meds, but you can't fix him and you can't make him change.

 

How much of your dd's behavior do you think is due to her feeding disorder? If she's not eating or if eating is causing her pain/discomfort, then no, she may not respond to typical methods of discipline. I have a child with very mild special needs (sensory issues), and when he was younger, I kept wondering why on earth the techniques in the books didn't work for him. It's gotten much better as he's gotten older, but he's not a textbook child for some things. I guess my point is: Don't blame yourself for things not working. You're doing the best you can in a difficult situation -- a child with feeding issues, three kids under 5, the stress of school/money, a husband who's depressed. Any one of those can make discipline more difficult. (Yes, kids pick up on the fact that their parent is depressed, and yes, it stresses them out. My family of origin is a testament to that.)

 

It sounds like you're taking some positive concrete steps. Keep reminding yourself of the positive steps you've taken -- you've called your mom. You've figured out the feeding disorder. You've called for a counselor. Each one of those is a positive step. Give yourself a small pat on the back. (And a chocolate chip for each one, just to get those little happy chemicals going!)


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#83 of 142 Old 06-30-2011, 07:04 PM
 
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...

I resent that there are people out there in the world who work and are appreciated and valued and they get off work and ask themselves what they would like to eat for dinner, if they would like to take a bath or watch a movie and are then able to do those things.

 

And I work just as hard 24/7 and no one sees, no one cares. In fact my husband thinks our life is 'all about me' and that I am controlling and impossible to please.

 

...

 


O.M.G. This is so me. I used to get so angry and jealous when DH would be 20 minutes late from work b/c he stopped on the way home for a haircut. Or he'd walk in with a bag from the drugstore/grocery store with snacks he got during work or something he needed to pick up real quick. Nothing is "real quick" when you have little ones, except maybe your temper. I would be LIVID. And then I would get questioned on why the house was such a mess if I was actually here all day and had 9 hours to clean it up. And THEN he would go ahead and give the baby the one thing I had JUST cleaned up, only to have it a mess again. I seriously couldn't figure out how to keep from killing him, and he would start in on me for being a control freak b/c why can't he just give the baby that? (And yeah, I was a control freak. Now I just don't care...) I feel ya. I hope having your mom come will help. Don't forget to NAP -- don't just clean!

 

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#84 of 142 Old 07-06-2011, 08:51 AM
 
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From what I've read in your posts, it sounds to me like you are at a stage now where you absolutely must focus on your own needs and your kids needs.  Sometimes when we're as overwhelmed as you feel now, it's simply not possible to worry about what another adult is or isn't doing for themself and the family, you have to focus on YOU no matter what others have to say about it.

 

You are awesome and doing the right things by going to a counselor and asking your mom to watch the kids a bit so you can clean.  Those are amazing first steps!  Now it's about what you need to do to help yourself get a bit more rest, feel a bit more in control, and just feel a bit better.  That may include asking your husband to take specific actions - like when you tell him you need more support, are you clear about what that looks like for you?  In my opinion it would help you to think about specific steps your husband could take that would help you better manage what you have.  Like do you need a standing 3 hour period on Saturdays where you need him to watch the kids while you do grocery shopping or take a walk or whatever you need for you?  Can he take the kids to a playdate or a relative's while you do bills or things you need to do in the house?  Being specific is important when talking to a spouse/partner about your needs.

 

And if he's unwilling or unable to take those steps, that's something you have to take into consideration as you get to figuring out what to do about your marriage. 

 

It sounds like you already know your marriage isn't working, especially if your husband has issues he's not working on and only making excuses about.  But when you feel as down and overwhelmed as you do, that's a hard perspective from which to make big decisions about what to do.  Focus on your own wellbeing, don't feel selfish for a second!  That will help you take better care of your kids and be better able to make good decisions about your relationship and life.

 

Also consider that if your kids feel off the chain/hard to handle, partly it's probably because of their ages, but also they are living in a household where their parents are struggling.  That is hard for you, your husband, AND your kids.  It's very possible that as you find ways to feel better and meet your own needs better, your kids may start to feel more manageable as well.  There are so many pluses to identifying your specific needs and figuring out how to meet them.

 

You deserve to love your life... we all do.  And you DO have power to make changes, but you've got to get on more stable ground and feel a bit healthier before you'll probably be able to see what to do.

 

Best of you luck, you are amazing for seeing that things are not working and seeking solutions.  You'll be ok!  Better than ok eventually!

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#85 of 142 Old 07-07-2011, 04:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you. luxlove.gif

 

I do think that my daughter is suffering anxiety and I have a feeling it is coming from us (her parents) and the fact we are stressed. She's like an animal to try to take care of right now. It makes me feel both angry and guilty. Angry that she is so unmanageable and guilty because it's my fault. 

 

Life just continued to unravel today. 

 

My car has been in the shop 3 times in the last 2 months. Twice they couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. Really it's just old.

 

So we got a great offer to buy a friend's older, garage kept car but it would be so much more reliable and for such a good price! But we recently spent our savings on fixing the car and such so I was going to take a loan out at the credit union to pay the small amount for the car. They called to tell me that we would be approved easily but my account still has my dad on it (from when I originally joined) and he is delinquent and unresponsive so they won't loan me money. censored.gif  I'm so angry at my dad. Long story but he's irresponsible and of course doesn't consider how his actions affect others. 

 

Driving home from finding that out my car died. It's 103 degrees here and I had to bail the kids out of the car and walk to shade until dh could come get us. Except his car isn't big enough for all of us so I had to ride in the back (trunk area) of his Pathfinder and the baby had to ride in the front seat. 

 

I was suppose to get to go work out at the gym tomorrow. But now I don't have a car. And we can't get a loan for another car. And now we have no savings. This is my life. Over and over.

 

And this also means that I can't get to counseling. Of course. Of course this would happen. greensad.gif This is exactly what I meant when I said I try so hard to take care of myself and it just NEVER WORKS OUT! The universe hates me. 

 

And if we have to put more money on the credit card to fix the car I won't be able to use the money to pay my mom to watch the kids. And of course the car will break again. Just like it always does.  

 

I really and truly hate my life right now. I try as hard as I can. I do everything I can. I try so. fucking. hard. For nothing.

 

And there's no way out. Just a cycle of awfulness.

 

Oh, and on top of everything dh is spitting angry that I put his empty beer bottles in his room this morning. He leaves them for me to clean up so I was fed up this morning and put them on the desk in his room. And he is piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssed. Hugely. Because that is the worst thing someone could ever do to you, obviously.


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#86 of 142 Old 07-07-2011, 06:45 PM
 
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((((((((((((((((((oh my god the biggest hug to you))))))))))))))))))

 

it is SO hard when it feels as if the universe conspires against you....

 

your dad

your husband

even your car....

 

it does sound like you can't get a break....

 

I'm sending you love and strength because I can't think what else to do ... you are an amazing amazon woman inside, that is clear from your posts ... take it all one moment by one moment ... keep choosing life.... you will get through this hell time.

 

 


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#87 of 142 Old 07-07-2011, 07:08 PM
 
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Ugh. What an awful thing to have thrown into the mix!

 

IDK if this has been covered (sorry, DS is in one of "those" moods/modes today and I don't have time to re-read the thread), but I see in your siggy that you are Christian. Maybe it's faulty logic on my part, but does this mean you have a church and therefore a pastor/minister? It seems to me like even a phone session (or home visit, since the car is now out of the question) might help get you at least a bit back on your feet mentally. Do you have friends who can just come by for a few minutes/run errands for you/babysit while you take a walk around the block? Even if you can't get your dream day off to clean all morning and sleep all afternoon, arranging to have 15 minutes to yourself each day might be a good start. If you have neighbors who are close by, you could rotate them around, one each day, and take a few days just to have a few moments of peace. I don't know my neighbors all that well, but most of them, once they discover there are kids in the house, offer to pitch in here and there.

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#88 of 142 Old 07-07-2011, 08:13 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

 

Driving home from finding that out my car died. It's 103 degrees here and I had to bail the kids out of the car and walk to shade until dh could come get us. Except his car isn't big enough for all of us so I had to ride in the back (trunk area) of his Pathfinder and the baby had to ride in the front seat. 

 

I was suppose to get to go work out at the gym tomorrow. But now I don't have a car. And we can't get a loan for another car. And now we have no savings. This is my life. Over and over.

 

And this also means that I can't get to counseling. Of course. Of course this would happen. greensad.gif This is exactly what I meant when I said I try so hard to take care of myself and it just NEVER WORKS OUT! The universe hates me. 

 

So you don't have a car, but your DH does.  That means you have a car - you're just a one car family instead of a two car family.  Is there a reason that you are unable to use your DH's car to go to counseling?  It shouldn't be an option for you to miss.  Or, can you talk to the counselor about doing sessions via Skype?  I know it feels impossible, I've been there.  It feels so impossible, and it feels like the world hates you,  ty to not panic - there may be another way.  Neighbors that may loan you there car for a while?  Friends?  People at church (if you go)?  etc.  If you know anyone in your town, now is the time to start asking for help.  It's OK to ask.  I have a very good friend who had no idea I was in so much trouble when my relationship fell apart - she became my rock, and we hardly knew each other then!

 

Oh, and on top of everything dh is spitting angry that I put his empty beer bottles in his room this morning. He leaves them for me to clean up so I was fed up this morning and put them on the desk in his room. And he is piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssed. Hugely. Because that is the worst thing someone could ever do to you, obviously.

 

Is he an alcoholic?  I don't think its your kids that are making you upset, I think its the husband.  I think you might want to consider kicking him to the curb, and finding another way.
 

 

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#89 of 142 Old 07-07-2011, 09:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay, I tried to multi quote. Didn't work.

 

We don't have a church. Friends are pretty scarce. I have one friend who lives close by and she's visiting next week. We actually became good friends 2 year ago when I didn't have a car for a year. She visited me every week. I'm so glad I have her. But she really is the only one I can think of right now... and she's due to have a baby any minute. No neighbors but I'm gonna rack my brain for ideas on anyone who might want to visit. Playdates can be hard because my house is small.

 

So I can't take dh's car for a couple of reasons. One it's not the most reliable either. Two, it's a stick shift and I don't know how to drive one. And three, it only seats two adults in the front and will only fit two car seats in the back- which means that I couldn't take the kids to my mom's for her to watch them while I was at counseling (and just FYI it's a 20 minute drive to my moms and a 50 minute drive from her house to the counselor's). Oh, and did I mention that SHE doesn't have a car and that part of her house doesn't even have air conditioning? Ugh.

 

And we're not poor people either. My dad is just crazy irresponsible with money and dh and I are trying to dig ourselves out of his last 3 years of schooling and the debt that came with it.

 

He isn't an alcoholic. He actually doesn't drink much. This time it was beer bottles. Often times it's soda cans or root beer bottles or whatever.

 

I feel like I'm just complaining and how annoying is that but I'm absolutely at the end of my rope. :(

 

 

 

 

 


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#90 of 142 Old 07-08-2011, 02:19 AM
 
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breathe mama. just breathe. put one step in front of each step and move forward moment by moment. 

 

this is your breaking time. everything is breaking down everywhere. baby cries. dh pissed. cant go for therapy. 

 

one day the time will come when you will have enough. and the only thing you can do is say 'F*** YOU' and just take care of the essential. 

 

you are at a bad spot along with many other people in the world for the moment. one day you will come out of it.

 

at this moment it doesnt seem so but you will. 

 

in such moments i say what the heck. just break down. everything that needs to break down. just do it. world - just collapse around me. and get it OVER with.  

 

and then the healing starts. 

 

i am glad that you already have your friend and your mom to help in any way they can. 

 

one day you will look back with disbelief and wonder 'did i really go through all that?!!! whew!!!

 

we have a tendency to see time as linear. it soooo is not. its cyclical. you are reaching the crescendo of badness. and you are about to get out of it. 

 

right now just focus on teh present. what you have to do NOW to take care of yourself and your family - even if it means having to put someones beer bottle on his desk. Kudos to you for standing up. 

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