I don't want to be a wife and mother anymore. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 10:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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And I wanted to be able to just tell someone that. 

 

I hate this. I don't want to be here anymore. Every moment of every day is about everyone else. I hurt all over and feel I am completely used up. 

 

I wish I could go back and undo it all. Make it so that none of it ever happened.

 

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#2 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 10:48 AM
 
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This sounds like depression. Are you opposed to anti-depressant medication? I'm sure you love your family and don't really mean you'd rather not have them in your life! 

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#3 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 10:51 AM
 
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hug2.gif

 

I agree that it sounds like depression. That is exactly how I felt when I had PPD (after both kids - the hormone swings really mess with my mind!)

 

How old are you kids? Do you have someone to take them for a bit so you can take a long walk? Do you have a friend/family member you can call or go see?

 

Depression is serious and needs care. Please call your doctor or midwife. It's OK to put your own needs first for a bit so you can get well. Healthy kids start with a healthy mother!

 

Hang in there and let us know how you're doing.


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#4 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 10:59 AM
 
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Thanks for sharing that with us! hug2.gif  It is very brave to admit to having those feelings.  Some days I am there too, and I definitely need to take the advice I'm about to give. . .  Time to recharge yourself!!  Weekend breaks and 15 minutes a day of you time is nice, but when you get to the point it seems like you are at, I think you need to take more drastic measures.  Your kids and partner will benefit from the best you.  So, think of what you were doing or who you were when you felt like the Best You.  Did you have a certain job?  Were you a student?  A particular hobby that made you shine or made you excited about life?  Find a way to incorporate the things that made you the best you back into your life - preferably not by adding MORE obligations to your daily life, but by downsizing the ones you already have. 

 

I know, easier said than done!  Thanks for letting us hear your frustration.  I've been so close to my cracking point all June and I think you gave me the push I need to find my best me too.   I hope things get better for you soon.


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#5 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 10:59 AM
 
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It could be depression (none of us can really diagnose that online based off of one post though).  Or it could just honestly be how the OP feels.  Not everyone loves being a mother.  And that's ok too.

 

OP I'm glad you felt you could vent here and I hope people don't get too judgmental or anything.  I really hope that you can get some relief soon.  There are so many options for reducing your stress, or improving how you feel about your life.  I know how hard it is when you're in the middle of a bad funk though.  hug2.gifFeel free to pm me or post here if you need to talk or anything.  I've been there, so I really feel for you right now.

 

 


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#6 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 11:30 AM
 
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May be it's time to redefine "being a good mother." duck.gif

 

I don't know anything about you but what is on your signature -- you homeschool, tandum nurse, and use cloth diapers. You don't  have to. You can make different choices and make time for yourself in your life. Being a mother doesn't mean that every single minute of the day and night HAS to be about someone else. It is possible to be a good mother and have balance in your life.

 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#7 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 11:37 AM
 
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Maybe a little depression but it sounds like you need some goals, some real life friends and some fun activities for your family to share when you are together. Kids can go to school and preschool. You can take evening classes at the local college. Or get a part-time job that makes you feel like you are making a difference.


If its any consolation, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum. I love my mommy role, my home- making and little house so much and my hubby keeps telling me to "get a job". Sigh. The grass is never just green enough for any of us, eh?
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#8 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 11:44 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

May be it's time to redefine "being a good mother." duck.gif

 

I don't know anything about you but what is on your signature -- you homeschool, tandum nurse, and use cloth diapers. You don't  have to. You can make different choices and make time for yourself in your life. Being a mother doesn't mean that every single minute of the day and night HAS to be about someone else. It is possible to be a good mother and have balance in your life.

 

 



I think this makes sense too. This list does show how much GIVING you have been doing.  I admire that, and the choices may have been right for you when you started them, but your kids are older now (I don't know their ages, but all kids are getting older all the time) and maybe it's time for your family to adjust to YOUR needs now.  Something's got to give!  I hope you can find some time and support for you.

 

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#9 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 11:53 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

May be it's time to redefine "being a good mother." duck.gif

 

I don't know anything about you but what is on your signature -- you homeschool, tandum nurse, and use cloth diapers. You don't  have to. You can make different choices and make time for yourself in your life. Being a mother doesn't mean that every single minute of the day and night HAS to be about someone else. It is possible to be a good mother and have balance in your life.

 

 


Exactly.  

 

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#10 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 12:09 PM
 
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I have times when I feel that way. It's hard. Linda is right. You don't actually have to give 24/7. I'm struggling with finding balance as well.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#11 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 12:11 PM
 
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It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge what you're feeling, even more to put it down in words hug2.gif

 

Please, get some time off, a mini break, anything that's just for you. Can you get some temporary childcare help, or household help, or just anything so you can just take a break?  That would be the first thing to do right now.

 

Once you're recharged, even a little bit, it'll be easier to figure out what this all means, if anything, and what to do about it.


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#12 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 12:36 PM
 
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I am so sorry this is where you are today. My heart goes out to you. It sucks to feel this way however you diagnosis this!! I feel completely burned out as a mother too. To suggest that I stop mothering my children in the ways that I feel are most healthy (tandem nursing, cloth diapering, homeschooling, co-sleeping) is intolerable. I want support to mother this way - not told to do it differently. I want our culture to support mothers. I would actually get tax credits if I send them away to daycare! I am burned out and don't have my needs met because it is impossible to meet the needs of an attached family in a nuclear family structure. I feel angry that the only way to keep going is for me to either dig a little deeper and give more or compromise my children's current and future health and happiness. What kind of world is this that I have to fight to mother my children in an attached way - where there is little to no support to mother my children? 

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#13 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 12:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MamaMunchkin View Post

It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge what you're feeling, even more to put it down in words hug2.gif

 

Please, get some time off, a mini break, anything that's just for you. Can you get some temporary childcare help, or household help, or just anything so you can just take a break?  That would be the first thing to do right now.

 

Once you're recharged, even a little bit, it'll be easier to figure out what this all means, if anything, and what to do about it.

She has childcare, it's called a husband. OP, take off for a weekend and leave the kids with your husband. It will do him good what it entails to deal with them, and will do you good to have a break.

 

 

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#14 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 12:49 PM
 
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I am so sorry this is where you are today. My heart goes out to you. It sucks to feel this way however you diagnosis this!! I feel completely burned out as a mother too. To suggest that I stop mothering my children in the ways that I feel are most healthy (tandem nursing, cloth diapering, homeschooling, co-sleeping) is intolerable. I want support to mother this way - not told to do it differently. I want our culture to support mothers. I would actually get tax credits if I send them away to daycare! I am burned out and don't have my needs met because it is impossible to meet the needs of an attached family in a nuclear family structure. I feel angry that the only way to keep going is for me to either dig a little deeper and give more or compromise my children's current and future health and happiness. What kind of world is this that I have to fight to mother my children in an attached way - where there is little to no support to mother my children? 


I get lots of support. The reality is that, if one is nursing two children (I've never done that, but have come close - nursed right up to labour), cosleeping, and also homeschooling and doing cloth diapering (okay - maybe not the CD...I don't really find it that much extra work), then one is pretty much totally subordinating one's own needs to that of the children. I don't think that's always a bad thing, but it does wear a person down. Whether it should or shouldn't be that way isn't really relevant. It is that way. If a mom is burning out, that reality has to trump ideals. Maybe that means you still do all those things, but dial down the homeschooling a little, and make sure you get out two evenings a week for an hour or two. Maybe it means something else.

 

And, homeschooling and AP are two different things. Choosing to homeschool (I do, also) means that we are choosing to place a heavier burden on our own nuclear family. I don't think blaming the society we live in, because we choose to take on more demands within our own family unit, makes a lot of sense. I was an AP parent (although I'd never heard the term) with ds1, and he went to public school. I got lots of support for the way I parented. I also get lots of support for homeschooling, actually. But, homeschooling is still taking on a schedule that involves a lot less downtime. A lack of support isn't the issue. The fact that I've chosen (as have others, including the OP) to take a large workload, which doesn't include many built-in breaks, onto myself is the issue. If and when I reach a point where I'm seriously burning out, then it's time to re-evaluate...but not because there's no support - because it's a big, big job.


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#15 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 12:49 PM
 
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Get a life! I am serious. Get a life outside of being mom and wife. Stop tandem nursing and that will free up time. Hell with being green. Happy mom is more important that recycling.

 

See a therapist. Enroll ion class of some sort just for you.  Hire a mother helper or set up times when you DH is with kids and you are out somewhere.

 

There is no martyrdom in mother!

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#16 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 12:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by choli View Post


She has childcare, it's called a husband. OP, take off for a weekend and leave the kids with your husband. It will do him good what it entails to deal with them, and will do you good to have a break.
 

 

She's tandem-nursing. Taking off for a weekend isn't that practical at that stage, ime.
 

 


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#17 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 12:53 PM
 
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Your sig says you're in desperate need of a nap. I hope you can make sure that you get one, even if someone else has to watch the kids. And then, once you've had some sleep, maybe you can think about what help you need. Take care of yourself....

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#18 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 01:08 PM
 
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She's tandem-nursing. Taking off for a weekend isn't that practical at that stage, ime.
 

 


It is if she has a pump.
 

 

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#19 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 01:14 PM
 
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You sound completely done - mentally and physically.  I think we all have those times as a parent.  I hope you can find some support near you to help you through this difficult stage.  Don't be afraid to reach out to others.

 

(((hugs)))

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#20 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 01:36 PM
 
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You need to dig through your resources and find some help.  You don't have to feel this way.  It may be depression or it may be something else (thyroid, sleep deprivation, etc).  Will you go see a doctor or midwife and get some blood tests run and consider counseling and/or medication?  The faster you get help, the better.  Just pick up the phone and call whoever you use for healthcare and see if they can get you in.  It could be time to change things up in your life and a counselor will really be able to help you figure out where to start.  Please let us know you've made the phone call, even if you feel silly calling. 


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#21 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 01:38 PM
 
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At some point thinking about whether you're depressed or can create more support/breaks into your routine life is probably a good move.

 

 

I think there are times within marriage and parenthood that everyone feels like they hate those parts of their life though.  I've been there too. . . and the best I can say that it all changed a little bit after awhile and then I was able to deal with things better and felt better and was happier again.  

 

Thinking about my life and creating some new goals or things I can achieve (even really tiny or uninteresting ones that at least improve *my* life - like making really delicious pancakes or actually keeping the laundry together) has been something that helps me.  I also drive around listening to forlorn music and feeling sorry for myself sometimes when I need to (in between running errands, yk?) and eventually get those feelings out there and can listen to happier and more inspiring music.  (Music has just always been important to me in processing and getting through my feelings).  Maybe writing, reading something new, making some art, cooking new foods. . . you'll get somewhere better.  

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#22 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 04:34 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

May be it's time to redefine "being a good mother." duck.gif

 

I don't know anything about you but what is on your signature -- you homeschool, tandum nurse, and use cloth diapers. You don't  have to. You can make different choices and make time for yourself in your life. Being a mother doesn't mean that every single minute of the day and night HAS to be about someone else. It is possible to be a good mother and have balance in your life.

 

 



yeahthat.gif You can change your mind about things, especially if it makes you happier. Don't worry about living up to ideals. I hope you can find a break and I really hope that you have someone in real life that you can talk to.

 


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I do what works and when it stops working, then I do something else.
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#23 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 04:37 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I've BTDT, and I never tandem nursed, homeschooled, or had more than 1 kid! So that should tell you two things:

1 - You're not alone. Others have and do feel this way, even if they're not bold enough to say it out loud or online.

2 - You're a strong, loving mama. When I have bad days, I think about all the women who have more than 1child, or kids with SN/HN and feel ridiculous for not being able to cope. You're strong enough to have gotten this far with your kids, doing all you do for them, and you're strong for having admitted your feelings, no matter how unpopular they might make you. Now be strong and pass those kids off to someone else for an afternoon, put your feet up, and rest!

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#24 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 05:12 PM
 
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The current culture we are in has a lot to do with burning AP moms out.  The point was made that if you choose to homeschool, then you choose to tax the nuclear family.  Why is that?  Because we live in a culture where we have lots of support and help for being detached parents. We can have others watch our kids (public school, daycare, etc) others grow and cook our foods, etc... Choosing to grow our own foods and cooking "taxes" the family!  Because no one is supporting a lifestyle where we all do it "right". I don't think it is right that in order to keep my sanity I have to wean off my kids and choose not to homeschool and that I need a therapist and a massage to be normal!  What is this life for anyways?  It just might be that if we lived in a different way, with real support or real community then we would be healthier without the need for "me" time. Here's the reality - mom is home trying to meet the needs of kids and herself and husband, and basically she can't so someone or everyone is getting run down.  In one possible ideal case - 2 or three moms get together with their kids of various ages, they all do some schooling or unschooling or whatever in the morning (crafting, gardening, preschooling, doing science, whatever) and then some enjoy chatting while cooking while others (maybe younger kids) are playing outside (all close by and watched) while laundry is getting done as well. Then everyone eats together and they go home for naps!  Another possibility - A mom lives in a neighborhood or group (intentional community) where others are all living similarly, there we again find that the people meet on a daily basis for love, work, support, and companionship.  They grow foods and cook them (working together and separate/dividing and sharing responsibilities).  Anyway, possibilities are endless!  Here is a link of a more detailed and realistic example of this real "support" or community I am talking about. 

http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/finding-your-tribe.html

 

Also, my friend and I, in our attempts to both not go crazy and to not give up our ideals, have created a big tent group called Prelude to Community.  There we talk about how we aren't getting our needs met - because sometimes you do need a place to say that - as well as having the larger goal of hoping to one day get ourselves in a real community or support network situation where we can end this problem of AP burnout and lack of support in a detached world.  If anyone is interested, feel free to join the group - it is open to all.

 

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#25 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 05:40 PM
 
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The current culture we are in has a lot to do with burning AP moms out.  The point was made that if you choose to homeschool, then you choose to tax the nuclear family.  Why is that?  Because we live in a culture where we have lots of support and help for being detached parents. We can have others watch our kids (public school, daycare, etc) others grow and cook our foods, etc... Choosing to grow our own foods and cooking "taxes" the family!  Because no one is supporting a lifestyle where we all do it "right". I don't think it is right that in order to keep my sanity I have to wean off my kids and choose not to homeschool and that I need a therapist and a massage to be normal!  What is this life for anyways?  It just might be that if we lived in a different way, with real support or real community then we would be healthier without the need for "me" time.

 

Here's the reality - mom is home trying to meet the needs of kids and herself and husband, and basically she can't so someone or everyone is getting run down.  In one possible ideal case - 2 or three moms get together with their kids of various ages, they all do some schooling or unschooling or whatever in the morning (crafting, gardening, preschooling, doing science, whatever) and then some enjoy chatting while cooking while others (maybe younger kids) are playing outside (all close by and watched) while laundry is getting done as well. Then everyone eats together and they go home for naps!  Another possibility - A mom lives in a neighborhood or group (intentional community) where others are all living similarly, there we again find that the people meet on a daily basis for love, work, support, and companionship.  They grow foods and cook them (working together and separate/dividing and sharing responsibilities).  Anyway, possibilities are endless!  Here is a link of a more detailed and realistic example of this real "support" or community I am talking about. 

http://www.continuum-concept.org/reading/finding-your-tribe.html

 

We're living a culture where that's not what most people do. There were all kinds of people supporting each other and helping at the school ds1 went to. That's where the "tribe" is. If someone living in a tribal situation chose to teach their children differently than the way the tribe was doing it, do you think they'd be doing it with a bunch of support, or do you think they'd be on their own? Homeschooling isn't doing it "right". It'd doing it the way we choose to do it, for our particular families. There are a bunch of families right here in my complex who do a lot of this kind of trading off. I'm not interested in participating in that, except in an emergency, because I'm sick of my kids being told off for going barefoot, not having a jacket (in the warm rain), etc. If I'm not involved in the various trade-offs of childcare, etc., then why should they go out of their way to accommodate the ways my life is different than their lives?

 

There are people who form intentional communities and do these things. (I wouldn't, because it would drive me more bat-crap crazy than what I'm doing right now. Different strokes and all that.) How many people talking about not getting any support for a decision to homeschool are out trying to form an intentional community? There are a few...but there are a whole lot who aren't doing that, too. Since I chose, and continue to choose, to live my life in a way that's different from the vast majority of the people around me, I'm pretty much on my own. The kind of scenario you mention above puts me on someone else's clock all the time. That doesn't appeal to me. It doesn't sound supportive. It sounds stifling. To each their own. But, I choose to live the way I do, and turning around and complaining about the lack of support from people who make different choices makes no sense to me. I live in the culture i live in, and if I'm doing things in a way that doesn't work for my family (including me), then I need to figure out what changes are necessary to make things work. For some people, that may mean forming an intentional community. Personally, I'd rather have a root canal. I live in a nuclear family, and I like it that way...but the context of all my life decisions is within that nuclear family.

 

In any case, the OP has to make whatever decisions work best for her. But, the bottom line is that whatever our AP (or other) ideals may be, we have to live in the world we live in. In that world, we're making our choices (most of us) within some variant of the nuclear family - one or two parents, with however many children - and if those choices don't work within that context, then it's going to take a lot longer to change the context (certainly worth working towards, if one sees that as a desirable goal) than it is to change the dynamics within one's own situation. In the case of unmet needs and burnout, support for AP, homeschooling, etc. is largely a theoretical consideration. The world isn't going to change to suit those who'd rather live in a more tribal environment, and burnout can't be cured by wishing for a different context.

 

 

 



 

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#26 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 06:07 PM
 
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Unfortunately, it might not be as simple for the OP as "stop homeschooling and quit tandem nursing". If she feels strongly about doing those things for ideological reasons, quitting might make her feel worse, not better. I've felt that way about a lot of things in the past - torn between (temporarily) hating them and believing in them very strongly. I've had times where I LOATHED nursing DD, but weaning her would have been bad for her and bad for me, in that I would have felt extremely guilty about it. In that particular case, I was able to compromise (cutting down and eventually eliminating night feeds), but if the "attack" had come on several months earlier, I wouldn't have been able to because DD just wouldn't have been ready - KWIM?

 

I'm not saying the OP should feel guilty if she chooses to stop tandem-nursing or homeschooling or whatever - I'm just saying, from the perspective of someone with a tendency to depression, mixed feelings about motherhood and strong ideological positions on a bunch of pesky issues, that it might not be as simple as "not doing X, Y or Z will make you happier". If she feels (rightly or wrongly) that by sending her kids to school she's doing violence to her own beliefs, doing her kids a disservice, etc, it'll probably just make her feel guilty and failure-y.

 

OP, I know mothering can make you feel like you're just giving, giving, giving all the time, and to some extent that's normal (although not desirable); but marriage shouldn't make you feel that way. Why do you find being a wife tiring? Is your DH supporting your efforts to homeschool? Does he do his bit to make tandem-nursing easier (like picking up the slack with housework while you're in the middle of a nursing session, getting you drinks of water etc)? Does he show he appreciates you, and so on?

 

Also, I know it sounds prosaic, but how's your nutrition? No chance you're low in iron or vitamin D or B or any of those things that keep people energetic and cheery? Do you get exercise? (Pot calling the kettle black here, I know...)

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#27 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 06:24 PM
 
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I've had a couple of these days lately.  I really don't know any parent who HASN'T had some of these days.  

 

It's ok to reach the end of your rope, sometime you just have to take a breath and start the slow climb back up, other times you need a ladder of support to get you back there.  I'm a homeschooling mom whose husband is not here, and who is doing everything alone for about a year.  I am also pregnant.  I am tired.  Yes, I chose this life, and most days I wouldn't change it for the world.  Other days I am simply done.  I find that on the days I am truly toast- it's best to let some things slide and take care of myself.  So what if dinner tonight is a frozen pizza or some simple sandwiches?  (Around here it was leftover cold pasta salad for the kids, and I'm about to make myself poached eggs on toast.... ) Bellies are full, there are no dishes to do, and you might steal a few minutes for yourself.  Find small cheats as you need them- none of us can be supermom all the time. 

 

I hope you find yourself in a better place tomorrow, but if you find yourself feeling this way all the time, it's probably time to look for some rungs to build the ladder I referenced above.  I'm struggling with that myself right now.  I suspect that for me some key rungs are going to be to stop nursing for now and to get the kids sleeping on their own. Not really what I wanted in this journey, and I have a lot of guilt over those thoughts (I haven't made the leap yet) but at some point I have to take care of myself to be a better mom. 

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#28 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 06:44 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Funny Face View Post

And I wanted to be able to just tell someone that. 

 

I hate this. I don't want to be here anymore. Every moment of every day is about everyone else. I hurt all over and feel I am completely used up. 

 

I wish I could go back and undo it all. Make it so that none of it ever happened.

 

guilty.gif


I have not read the rest of the thread yet but had to post.

 

I am so sorryhug.gif

 

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#29 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 06:53 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smokering View Post

Unfortunately, it might not be as simple for the OP as "stop homeschooling and quit tandem nursing". If she feels strongly about doing those things for ideological reasons, quitting might make her feel worse, not better.


Then it's time for counseling. When the way one defines "good mother" causes one to daily wish that their children had never been born, it's time to get help.

 

(momentarily wishing they hadn't been born is different, but all day every day means that it's time for a change)

 

I agree that it isn't simple.

 

 


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#30 of 141 Old 06-28-2011, 07:04 PM
 
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I read the thread.  I second (third?) going to a health care provider.  You maybe depressed or have other medical issues.  

 

I would work on carving out some time for yourself to reflect on what is really going on.  If it is burn out - what can you do to fix it? I would start by carving out some time for myself and, personally, I would leave the house to get it. I know I wouId get sucked into the caretaking role if I tried to stay home.

 

I am going to assume you feel called to tandem nurse and HS - so I would not eliminate those just yet.  Important decisions should not be made when you feel so low.  I would consider it if the medical and getting time for myself routes did not work . Your mental health and happiness is far more significant to your family than any sort of bucket list. 

 

Take care,

 

Kathy

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