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Dealing with the "ferel" neighbor kid - help!

10K views 66 replies 29 participants last post by  Tonia Starr 
#1 ·
How can I convey to the neighbors, with out burning bridges, that their child is a MENACE!!!!!!

Their DD is a year older than our DD (5). I was delighted when we moved here, that DD would have a playmate right next door but after getting to know this child I don't want my DD playing with her.

To compound the problem, during the summer this neighbor child is EVERYWHERE - she's bored and no one cares where she is or what she's doing. We can get no relief from her. If my kids are in our backyard playing she's on the fence trying to join in verbally. If they are in the front playing, she's there dictating play. She is constantly yelling dd's name, trying to get DD to come over to the fence to talk. She encourages dd to do mean things to or say mean things to DS (2) or do things DD is not allowed to do (dd is often swayed by her and does xyz). She manipulates DD by telling her "I won't be your friend if you... or because you....". Not to mention the junk food she passes DD through the fence (via a knot hole).

I've tried asking her nicely to get off the fence. Her reply is always "why" -
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- always.

I'm at my whits end. To the point that I don't want my kids out in our beautiful yard because of this menacing girl. This has been going on since July and I've had enough.

I made up my mind to talk to our neighbors (who we like and are friendly with on the occasion we see them) but I don't know how to put this, err, gently to them. I don't want things to end up awkward.

Once school starts this won't be an issue but these are my last weeks with dd before she starts school and I resent this girl for crashing our cozy end-of-summer time and schooling dd in bad manners and junk food. (I get that she'll get some of that at school but this girl is basically LIVING, uninvited, in our yard during the day.)

I feel like a mamma bear! lol
 
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#52 ·
wow. here you just get charged extra for being late to pick up your kid from after school care!! to call CPS is really overreacting!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maiasaura View Post

I know far too many people who have been called on-- one because she was 15 minutes late picking her dd up from afterschool care.
 
#53 ·
Jumping in very late. I meant to read this thread a while ago but forgot about it. I've been dealing with a similar situation for about 4 years now. I was so excited when we moved into this house and there was a boy right next door almost the exact same age as my 7yo, who was 3.5 when we moved here. He quickly became my ds' best friend. At first, I gave the boy a lot of leeway because he was only 3 or 4 but as time has gone by his behavior has gotten worse. I have tried and tried over the years to get him to behave when he's playing with my son but he just doesn't get it. Initially, the boy was just very rambunctious and careless, within normal for a 3-4 year old, but now at almost 8 he has become sneaky and dishonest and a bully. I finally have had enough and told my son he couldn't play with the boy anymore. If they are playing with a group of kids in the neighborhood, my son can play with the group but he is not allowed to play alone with this boy anymore. I just can't take my son coming to me several times a day crying and upset over something mean this boy has done.

I was friends with his mom but I think that's over. The last time we talked I tried to tell her the problems with her son but she wouldn't listen. She just kept saying, "Not my son," and she sounded pretty upset. After being initially very angry, telling me I was the worst mom ever, he hated me and I ruined his life, things have been so much more pleasant around here. Surprisingly, my son hasn't once asked to play with the boy or said anything about since that first day. Maybe he knew it wasn't a good relationship but needed me to end it for him.
 
#55 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Honey693 View Post

Philomom, you never answered. How do you know she's not getting sunscreened? How is fence climbing dangerous? Asking questions is not harassment. And you are judging people. I pointed out a behavior, not name called.
Exactly. She waid you were wearing judgey pants, not that you 'are' judgey pants. I'd love to know the answers to the questions, too!
 
#56 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post

Standing on a fence day after day is safe? How tall is the fence? Why don't her parents call her inside once in a while to give snacks, apply sunscreen or give her lunch?

Stormbride... I wouldn't feel safe letting my kids wander an entire apartment complex.... unless it was quite small of a complex and I knew most of the neighbors. Who knows whose apartment they could go into or how long a time could pass before someone might consider them missing?
This isn't an apartment complex. It's a townhouse complex (more like what most places call "row houses", I think). I can only think of one child in the whole complex who actually goes into anyone else's home without checking with their parents first, though - they just run around outside.
 
#57 ·
Update -

The good: I covered the knot whole and am loving the lack of action at the fence now

The bad and ugly: They got a new trampoline. Bleh. Our yard is higher than theirs so if the kids are standing on the patio they can look over the fence and down on the neighbors house/yard. Their trampoline was situated right on the other side of our house, close to the fence and about '15--'20 feet from their house. The neighbor girl (NG) could jump/stand on the trampoline and look over the fence to our patio/house. Eliminating the need to climb the fence. Well the trampoline broke and we were so happy about that - until the fence climbing started. FINALLY, JUST when I got her off the fence they bought a new trampoline!! NG's on it the whole day - in her yard not hanging over the fence. My hands are tied. I feel like one of the kids when they whine to the other "stop looking at me!" :lol:

This evening NG threw an OPEN bottle of Elmers school glue (the large one) over the fence while I was in the house doing dishes after dinner. I poked my head out the slider to check on the kids and noticed DS was covered in glue - glue that had oozed out onto the path by the fence. I marched the bottle and a couple other things she had throw over or shoved though (the hole is now covered) the fence BACK to her house and spoke with her dad. I think he got what I said because she was no where near the fence the rest of the evening.

I'm will be speaking with NG's mom on Monday (she has Monday's off). In short I'm going to explain to her our rules for DD; DD can play at their house when the parents are home, NG can play at our house - but they can't play through the fence. DD is not allowed to call for NG across the fence and that we'd like it very much if NG stopped calling for dd over the fence. They are welcome to call us if NG want's to play and we will call them if DD wants to play.

What do you all think?

We live in a great neighborhood but I'm almost positive our next house will be in the country...
 
#58 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Klynne View Post
I marched the bottle and a couple other things she had throw over or shoved though (the hole is now covered) the fence BACK to her house and spoke with her dad. I think he got what I said because she was no where near the fence the rest of the evening.

I'm will be speaking with NG's mom on Monday (she has Monday's off). In short I'm going to explain to her our rules for DD; DD can play at their house when the parents are home, NG can play at our house - but they can't play through the fence. DD is not allowed to call for NG across the fence and that we'd like it very much if NG stopped calling for dd over the fence. They are welcome to call us if NG want's to play and we will call them if DD wants to play.
Sounds like a great plan, and good for you for going and speaking with the dad in the moment.

How tall is your fence? It seems like it must be rather short if your kids can see over it, unless your patio is really elevated. Maybe you could add a wide piece of lattice across the top to give it some more height without too much expense?
 
#59 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post

Sounds like a great plan, and good for you for going and speaking with the dad in the moment.

How tall is your fence? It seems like it must be rather short if your kids can see over it, unless your patio is really elevated. Maybe you could add a wide piece of lattice across the top to give it some more height without too much expense?
It's about 6', our patio is elevated on top of the fact that the hill is sloped.
 
#60 ·
I don't think you need to speak to both mom and dad unless you are telling mom something you didn't already tell the dad. I think maybe a letter would be better because you can lay everything out, calm down and reword it, then walk it over if you still feel the need to. If a neighbor came to me concerned because my child talks to them, shares with them, and plays in our yard on our trampoline all day I would probably get very defensive and I can't see that type of conversation going well. I am not normally a defensive person but I am when it comes to my child. In a situation like that you may say some things you shouldn't or you may get flat out ignored.

With a letter you can say what you need to say, give the reasons behind what you are saying without getting interrupted by the need to defend your point of view, then the person reading it has time to get mad then cool down and think about your point of view and hopefully take that into consideration. The risk you run with a face to face conversation over what some people would view as mostly petty issues is that you will not get to give your point of view and you will have created an enemy who does even less to redirect her child just to shove her ability to let her child run free in her back yard in your face.
 
#63 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

I still wish you had used the sprinkler... but that's just me and I'm not always nice.
A sprinkler might actually backfire and attract the child to the fence even more. Most kids love running through a sprinkler on a hot summer day. Tons of fun!
 
#64 ·
Very interesting thread. I just wanted to pipe in as a parent of a kid who has probably annoyed the neighbors: Please, please, please speak directly to the child about what they are doing incorrectly. I have a spirited, BOSSY boy, and I talk with my DS ALL.THE.TIME to coach him on social skills - "people would think that's rude if you do that," "that is unacceptable because XYZ," "it's okay to be creative and have ideas but you don't get to boss around other kids," etc.

I'm very literal with him about these things and I don't beat around the bush because while I value him as an individual and adore a lot of his spirited traits, I also want him to understand social norms and conform to them in a way that allows other people to feel comfortable, safe and honored.

He came out of the womb this way. His natural inclinations towards entitlement and bossiness and doing whatever the heck he wants have never been encouraged or allowed. We are very involved with him, very connected, spend tons of time around him, etc. He's just still learning and developing.

Ok, enough about my DS - the point I really want to make is: he responds SO WELL to other grown-ups correcting him. We can work with him for months on something, and then another adult will say some version of "knock it off, you're being inappropriate," and he is chastened and chagrined, and the behavior changes. And he isn't tender-hearted or devastated by the correction. He's simply, "oh, somebody else agrees with my parents on this. Ok, I guess I better knock it off, then."

It sounds like talking directly with the neighbor child has already been helpful - I encourage you to keep it up.
 
#65 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by isisreturning View PostHe came out of the womb this way. His natural inclinations towards entitlement and bossiness and doing whatever the heck he wants have never been encouraged or allowed. We are very involved with him, very connected, spend tons of time around him, etc. He's just still learning and developing.
OMG, are you raising my child?
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Only mine's 10-- same kid, I swear! And yes, I'm on him ALL.THE.TIME. working with him on appropriate behavior. It's so hard. And he doesn't even respond to other adults the way yours does. He just goes trip-happy along on his own little path, which, unfortunately right now, involves mentioning private parts and potty humor and words that a younger kid wouldn't know, like "balls" and "nuts" and other words....and he does.not.get mixed company or girls or older people. He'd probably blurt in church
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Sigh.
 
#66 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by isisreturning View Post

Please, please, please speak directly to the child about what they are doing incorrectly.
I have 2 kids like this, so far, my first and my third so I know that it can be temperament more than anything the parents are or are not doing.

However, some children don't respond to anyone talking to them. The neighbor boy I have been dealing with for 4 years now never responded to anything I said to him. He just puts his head down and makes a pouty face until I'm finished talking and then he runs off and tries to get away with whatever it was when I'm not looking. He even encourages my children to lie to me and calls them tattle tales when they tell me what's going on. I know his parents pretty well so I'm fairly confident that behavior is because of the way his parents treat him. He is afraid of getting in trouble but has not really been told or taught decent social behavior at home.

Anyway, not much you can do with a child like that except tell him to stay away.
 
#67 ·
Quote:
Originally Posted by *bejeweled* View Post

This is laugh worthy.
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You're joking right?

[quote name="philomom" If you want to hardball this, you could report her to CPS as a child who seems to be alone all day. Really, at her age, she should have some supervision.
Actually, MY situation required a call to CPS. There was no fence and 4 unsupervised kids all day ever day who would walk right into my house, take toys off our porch, take bikes out of the yard, steal food, and had all around zero respect for my rules. I am talking about ages 2,4,6 and 8 with never a glimpse of a p[arent. I knew for a fact both parents were inside either drinking or sleeping as the kids would often tell me so or I would hear the fighting. I DID call CPS. But this situation doesnt really seem as extreme. Not even close. Just some really clear rules set in firm ground shuld help. An above post mentioned its easier to train the kids than the parents oftentimes. So true.[/QUOTE]
 
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