anyone give 1 child dad's last name, 2nd child mom's last name? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 33 Old 08-21-2011, 11:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Our DD has mom's surname as her middle name, and dad's surname as her last name.

We were discussing the idea of switching it for #2 -- dad's surname as middle name, mom's surname as last name.

(Both kids have the same parents, so basically they would have the same middle and last names, but with the order reversed.)

Has anyone done this? If so, how did it work out? How do you feel about it now that it's done, and how do the kids feel about it (if they're old enough to be aware)?
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#2 of 33 Old 08-21-2011, 05:34 PM
 
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Well I personally would not do it. My name is made up from my parent's middle names, and I have always thought it was really annoying that they couldn't take the time to come up with a unique name like they did with my sister. I would feel even more this way if we had the name swap like you are talking about. For me, I think it's a bad idea to name the second one to same way.

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#3 of 33 Old 08-21-2011, 09:28 PM
 
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We did this. We couldn't agree on any other solution--dh was/is opposed to hyphenated names and wasn't keen on combining to create a totally new last name. And I wasn't prepared to give my kids his last name. So we compromised by alternating last names, and it just happened to end up being gendered. ds is Xan Sebastian Mylastname DH'slast name, and dd has the last two names reversed: Ella Sophie DH'slastname Mylastname. So far, no problems at all, and honestly, I don't anticipate any. My kids are quite young still (5 and 3) but old enough to understand naming, and they're fine with having different last names. We're working on #3 and we'll either flip a coin or assign last names based on which first names sound best with each.

 

I grew up in a family where many of us had different last names (my mom remarried, and my two brothers thus have different last names than my sister & me), and it never bothered me too much apart from needing to correct friends when they called my mother Mrs Wronglastname. It's so incredibly common these days... I've known a couple of other families that went this route, and they're happy with it too.


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#4 of 33 Old 08-21-2011, 10:45 PM
 
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We did it.  Kids are still too young to notice (the 2.5 year old knows all our full names, but not the implications of a last name).  People will occasionally call them the wrong one, but otherwise it doesn't seem like a problem. 

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#5 of 33 Old 08-22-2011, 06:19 AM
 
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This makes me think of my kid's school at pick up - they call " dd & ds Lastname." Different last names among siblings are common, and, no big deal, IMO. But, I do think it can create some assumptions and questions. If you're the type to not mind answering a few questions, then no big deal.
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#6 of 33 Old 08-22-2011, 07:42 AM
 
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I would not do it. I had a different last name than the rest of my family when my mom remarried and had another child and I hated it as a kid. I wanted us to all have the same last name.


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#7 of 33 Old 08-22-2011, 09:14 AM
 
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We only have one kid (so we haven't done it) but we have friends who have.  Its not big deal to them. The kids are cool with it Ds's last name is hyphenated and if we have more I could totally consider flipping the names around for the next one.  There are so many blended families that lots of kids have different last names as their parents and siblings that I don't think it would be much of an issue

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#8 of 33 Old 08-25-2011, 08:23 AM
 
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I have not but I did let my kids know that they can legally change their names if they ever want too.

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#9 of 33 Old 08-25-2011, 09:12 AM
 
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We have done some version of this.  Dd1 has my last name (as her mom) and dd2 had dh's.  We plan on alternating last names with future kids as well.  

 

Our kids are still young (5 and 1.5 y/o) so not much input on their part yet.  Dd1 knows that her last name is the same as mine and dad's is different, it's no big deal to her.  They get people who mix their last name up sometimes, but probably would have that happen sometimes regardless because I did not change my name on getting married in the first place.  She'll sometimes get mail or get called dd1 dhlastname (then again, dh gets called dh mylastname sometimes too lol.gif).  

I personally kinda explain it to the kiddos from a mixed genealogy perspective - 'isn't it nice that you can each have names from both mom & dad's families - that's so cool cause you're from both our families'.  And as they're older we'll probably add that we felt that their first names sounded nicer with the last names we chose, that we both wanted to carry on each other's family names out of respect honor and remembrance , and that we or they can go about changing their name legally if it's something that really bothers them.  

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#10 of 33 Old 08-31-2011, 01:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for all these responses! I'm just catching up now.

DP's concern about this idea is that if a kid doesn't have his last name, people will suspect/wonder that he wasn't the father -- as if he came along later, or one of our kids had a different dad, etc. He makes the fair point that in general, there's no question about who a child's mother is if she was pregnant and gave birth. But since fatherhood is less clear, having his last name is one way to indicate that he's the dad.

For those of you who have taken this approach, has this come up? How do you think about it?
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#11 of 33 Old 08-31-2011, 04:05 PM
 
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With regards to the question about fatherhood - It has never come up for us yet/ever (dd1 is only 5).  

 

I don't know whether this would work for you, but I'm supposing that if I were approached with that or someone trying to ask about that issue I'd probably let them know that 'well, I've been married [to dh] for 11 years.'  which would obviously be for several years longer than our child is old.  I don't know whether that truly addresses that concern, it is kinda the type of issue that would be truly rude to ask someone else and not really anyone's business either so I'd hope that you wouldn't deal with it, ever, in the first place.  shrug.gif   I can sympathize though with not wanting to have that kind of question in your kid's life.

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#12 of 33 Old 08-31-2011, 06:31 PM
 
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Yes, we did it, exactly the way you describe.

We have two boys. Somewhat to my surprise, this choice has never caused any kind of issue at all. Not with the relatives, not with school, summer camp, anyone. No one has ever been confused about whether they were siblings or about our family.

As for the boys themselves, it's never been an issue, either. To be honest, I can't even remember a time when either of them asked about it, although I did tell them once that we did it out of a sense of fairness.

The kids are 8 and 11 now and we have no regrets.
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#13 of 33 Old 08-31-2011, 08:39 PM
 
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Quote:
DP's concern about this idea is that if a kid doesn't have his last name, people will suspect/wonder that he wasn't the father -- as if he came along later, or one of our kids had a different dad, etc.

That's what I would think right off the bat. I'd assume that the kid was your child from a previous relationship, because that happens more often than people being creative with naming.


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#14 of 33 Old 09-01-2011, 04:14 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post

 

That's what I would think right off the bat. I'd assume that the kid was your child from a previous relationship, because that happens more often than people being creative with naming.


I suppose some people might make that assumption, but I didn't take it into consideration when going the route the OP did. In 11 years of parenthood, if anyone has ever assumed anything about our kids' paternity on first meeting us, they have been polite enough not to mention it. (Although, when we do meet people, we generally introduce ourselves as first/last names and the kids by just their first names, so by the time people do get around to knowing the different last names of the boys - if they ever do - we are firmly established in their minds as a family.
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#15 of 33 Old 09-12-2011, 12:48 PM
 
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I'm single so our situation is different but I wouldn't do it. I HATED having DD's last name be different from DS's before her adoption finalized.

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#16 of 33 Old 09-14-2011, 06:17 AM
 
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I wouldn't do it, but then I'm very traditional.

 

I had a good friend years ago who has a daughter. When the parents divorced, my friend changed her last name back to her maiden name. Her daughter was upset, b/c she still had dad's last name, and thought that meant that my friend wasn't her mom anymore. On top of dealing with the divorce and visitation and all the confusion that goes along with that, she had to be assured that Mommy was still her "real" Mommy.

 

A couple of my friends now have kids, are married to the kids' fathers, but kept their maiden names after they got married. In one family, the kids have dad's last name, in the other, they have the mom's. It's getting so I can't keep track of what the kids' last names are, which is kind of embarrassing when we go to write thank you notes for gifts, send invitations, etc. b/c I feel I should know (and if it were one family I probably would be able to remember, but as it stands sometimes I can't remember which family uses dad's name and which mom's).

 

I know my convenience is not a good reason to decide on how to name kids -- that's not what I mean. Just that it's confusing for lots of people in your life, but especially the kids.

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#17 of 33 Old 09-14-2011, 07:02 AM
 
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My kids have a big hyphenated name. Not ideal, but I get credit in the here and now for them being mine.. not just their father's.

I do know a marriage where the boy got dad's surname and the girl got mom's surname..... seems to work fine for them but what if you didn't get one of each? Could their resent from the partner that didn't get to pass their name on?
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#18 of 33 Old 09-28-2011, 01:48 AM
 
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DD1.... her dad and I weren't married, and a big reason was that we couldnt' agree on a shared last name. When I was pregnant, we decided that if it was a girl, the name would be "First name, Middle Name, Dad's last name as middle name, Mom's last name" with the usage being "First name, Mom's last name."

 

When I married DH, we were both professionally established with our own last names and both kept them, and because I already had a daughter with my last name, and he was the last of his line, we decided that whatever gender, the child would have his last name. There was a strong possibility that it would be his only biological child.

 

Our third child will have his last name as well. One of the reasons that I don't push for my last name to be in there is that our last names are actually quite similar... his is only four letters long, and the first three letters of his last name are the same as the first three letters of my last name. And we know this child will be a boy, so the reasoning for DD1's naming isn't relevant. 

 

By normal naming standards, my dad and his brother would be the "last of their line"... but my sister's husband took our last name, and their daughter has our last name, so my dad actually has two girl grandchildren with his same last name. (And on my mother's side, both her father's and mother's last names are all in no danger of dying out...she had seven siblings...) So I feel less urge to "continue" my dad's last name with more kids, especially when I know that passing on his name is important to my husband.

 

We've had occasional issues for DD1, mostly related to her grandparents on the "other" side, where they don't recognize her full name and drop my last name from hers. This was only really an issue when they created a gift trust for her, but was quickly sorted. I think they're probably a little miffed because both of their other kids are girls, one of whom took a married name and the other of whom isnt' likely to have kids, and K is the only child of their son, but that's his choice you know?

 

 


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#19 of 33 Old 09-28-2011, 01:50 AM
 
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Oh, and my girls have different last names and it's never been an issue. That said, given that DD1's dad didn't stick around, I'm very, very glad that she has my last name. 


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#20 of 33 Old 10-04-2011, 01:09 AM
 
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Quote:

DP's concern about this idea is that if a kid doesn't have his last name, people will suspect/wonder that he wasn't the father -- as if he came along later, or one of our kids had a different dad, etc. He makes the fair point that in general, there's no question about who a child's mother is if she was pregnant and gave birth. But since fatherhood is less clear, having his last name is one way to indicate that he's the dad.
 

I think this is a fair concern. But yeah, blended families are so common it's no big deal. I know some gay and lesbian parents who also switch up kids' last names sometimes too.

 

I've never even considered giving my son and our future kid(s) my last name. I like that they have DH's last name, for tradition's sake...or something. It's a special connection between DS and his dad and I go by DH's last name too most of the time. I like it- it feels like we are all on an awesome team or something! We're the "Lastnames"!  We're all together, we've got the same name and we're amazing! orngbiggrin.gif I dunno. I just think it's cool for everyone in our family to have the same name. shrug.gif Besides both DH and I have crazy long ethnic last names...hyphenated names would be torturous and I'm not too attached to my name anyhow. Not a big deal. We debated picking a really cool last name for us when we got married that our kids would eventually have too, but couldn't think of one that was good enough...


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#21 of 33 Old 10-04-2011, 02:10 PM
 
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We have some lovely friends who have given mama's last name to the daughters and papa's last name to the sons. I think it's an AWESOME idea/tradition, and tried to sell it to DH, but I couldn't sell him on it. I know your situation is slightly different, but maybe child #2 will be a boy, and then the boy's can carry your last name and the girls his? Either way, I really don't think it's a big deal. Name them what you want to! It's not like you're giving one of them a random last name, and the other will have your last name, or whatever. 


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#22 of 33 Old 10-04-2011, 06:52 PM
 
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I agree with your dh about the paternity thing. We have spent 2 years trying to get dd1 's last name changed to be the same as the rest of us, she is 10 and hates that hers is different. Also in school the association between children with the same last name. Also, if for example u have 3 children and 2 have the same last name and one is the odd one out.
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#23 of 33 Old 10-05-2011, 10:40 AM
 
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I wouldn't do it...it doesn't seem like a last name makes a huge difference, but I think it does. I've known a few people who had a different last name than the rest of their family and they didn't like it at all.

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#24 of 33 Old 10-05-2011, 03:58 PM
 
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Friends of ours did this. Mom kept her own name when she married dad, and the older child had mom's last name, the younger one had dad's.  The girls are now 13 and 11, and just a few  months ago, the mom told me in passing that she is really tired of all the confusion and hassles that the name thing has created, and that she and DD1 are both changing their surnames to dad's! Just food for thought.


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#25 of 33 Old 10-06-2011, 02:28 PM
 
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Our son has DH's last name and our daughter has mine. No issues so far although our daughter is only 2 months old. We agreed long before we had kids that any boys would take his name and girls would take mine. I figure just explaining it with that one sentence is enough to clear up any confusion if there ever is any...we feel good about it (both sides of our family are honored) and I can't see how it would ever be confusing to the kids themselves. My son is only 2 and he already seems to get it.

The only people who I anticipate will be confused are the same people who won't/can't call me by my own name instead of "Mrs. DH" because it's simply inconceivable to them that a married woman (as well as all of her & DH's children) wouldn't take DH's name--namely, elderly relatives. Other than that, it's not a big deal.

I'm glad to hear about families with older kids who have done something similar with success!
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#26 of 33 Old 10-06-2011, 05:19 PM
 
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Because we live close to my family, it's really my husband and younger that are the "odd ones out", but it's important to him, especially since his dad's death. No one feels "left out" and confusion is minimal. We're swimming in people with my last name... so DD1 doesn't feel odd. And Shiny doesn't care. 


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#27 of 33 Old 10-09-2011, 10:40 AM
 
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I'm late to this, but we are alternating last names with our kids, just alternating by birth order, not based on gender (which is a good thing for me because we have all boys and likely will never have a girl!). This only worked for us because we plan on 4 kids, so 2 with each last name. They are not old enough yet to have an opinion on it, so we'll see how it goes once they start school. It is unusual, so I'm sure that people will be confused and have questions. I don't mind explaining what we did and why, so it's not a big deal to me. Our families do not like it and don't approve at all but they respect that it was our decision to make and address cards and such correctly.  My attitude about other people is, eh, they'll get used to it. I mostly kept my name when I married for feminist reasons, but also because I had legally changed it once already and didn't want to go through all that rigamarole again AND because I strongly dislike my husband's last name (just aesthetically, it is not pleasing to my ear). But I didn't want to be the only one in my family with a different last name -- that just didn't seem fair to me. In the end there will be (lord willing in a few years) six of us, three with each name. I call us the Smith Jones family or the Smith/Jones family in our correspondence such as holiday cards. FWIW, we have had both of the older kids in day care together in the past and no one ever batted an eye about their last names or seemed confused about the fact that they were siblings.


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#28 of 33 Old 10-09-2011, 10:44 PM
 
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Definitely not planning a third child? If a third is possible, then no, I would not do this.
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#29 of 33 Old 10-10-2011, 06:36 AM
 
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I wouldn't do it personally. Seems like a lot of unnecessary hassle and confusion. Not to mention I dislike the idea of kids having to share a name beyond the last name. Both my girls have DH's last name, and I do now too, it was a PITA when mine was different.


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#30 of 33 Old 10-17-2011, 05:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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In response to Lisa1970, two is our max -- there definitely won't be a third child.

In response to KimberlyD0, I've had a different last name than DP for 18 years now (including 4 with a child) and don't find it to be a PITA at all -- I much prefer to have my own name than take his. So far, our daughter is totally tickled that she has both of our names as part of her name.

I guess I'm mostly interested to hear from others who have actually done this, or something similar, (or know people who have).

Thanks!
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