How much privacy do we give our kids? - Mothering Forums
1 2  3 
Parenting > How much privacy do we give our kids?
Imakcerka 10:41 AM 09-23-2011

Have you ever read their diary?

Listened in on a phone call?

Asked their friends questions about them they wouldn't answer?

Would you follow them?

Have you gone through their personal things, like a purse, back pack, wallet?

Have you looked through their room?

 

How much privacy do you give your kids and how often do you feel you invade their privacy?



mommariffic's Avatar mommariffic 10:58 AM 09-23-2011

I don't know the answer to this because my kids are little (under 5) so they don't have "stuff" to invade

 

But I have really vivid memories of my parents listening to phone conversations, looking in my binders, reading journals and the likes and it really messed me up for a good bit because I lived in this state of constant paranoia that my parents would read some inner thought that was just..for my eyes only. 

 

So I think when my kids are that age I'm going to try hard NOT to snoop unless I feel they are in danger or something. 


Linda on the move's Avatar Linda on the move 01:08 PM 09-23-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by mommariffic View Post
But I have really vivid memories of my parents listening to phone conversations, looking in my binders, reading journals and the likes and it really messed me up for a good bit because I lived in this state of constant paranoia that my parents would read some inner thought that was just..for my eyes only. 

 

So I think when my kids are that age I'm going to try hard NOT to snoop unless I feel they are in danger or something. 


this. My kids are older (13 and 14) and they have a TON of privacy -- partly out of my reaction to my uber controlling parents who felt I didn't deserve any.

 

If I were concerned about something specific -- one of my kids was depressed or in some other ways sending up red flags I would consider invading their privacy to help them, but I would still think through it carefully and check my motives and the possible outcomes for them.

 

One issue with privacy now that wasn't the case when I was growing up is that much of my kids' communication with their peers is in easily traceable ways. I don't read their Facebook pages or texts messages, but have made it very clear to them how public those mediums are, and that other parents do things like routinely read all texts, listen to all phone messages, etc. I've stressed that nothing communicated digitally is private, even if it seems like it is at the time. It all leaves traces.

 

 


Imakcerka 01:22 PM 09-23-2011

I haven't done any of these things without them knowing.  I look through their backpacks everyday, however I only look in two compartments, the main one and the pocket they keep their snacks in.  The other pockets are not for my viewing.  I know there is stuff in there and I'm so curious!   DD1 is an open book she'll tell you everything if you ask.  And sometimes when you don't. 

 

Really thinking about this I can see myself feeling like I needed to look through their purse or back pack.  I wouldn't read their diary, my brother did that to me once and then showed it everyone.  I probably would follow them if I thought they were doing something unsafe, like sneaking out or not going where they said they would go.  I think If I felt I needed to monitor their computer use and phone use I would let them know I planned on doing it. 

 

Ugh!


wishin'&hopin''s Avatar wishin'&hopin' 01:37 PM 09-23-2011

I am adamant about NOT snooping in/through my child's belongings unless, and this would have to be a BIG unless, there was a compelling reason to believe that he was in danger.  

 

My mom gave me no privacy and no space.  She snooped, read my journals, went through my things--regularly.  I was a good kid, good grades, reasonable friends.  I really think that the lack of respect my mom had for me and my need for privacy destroyed our relationship.  We live thousands of miles apart, I have spoken to her approximately 6 times in the past 2 years and not at all in the past 4 months.  It sucks...but my reaction to her snooping was to put up impenetrable walls.


purslaine's Avatar purslaine 02:03 PM 09-23-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

Have you ever read their diary?  No

Listened in on a phone call?  No

Asked their friends questions about them they wouldn't answer? No

Would you follow them?  I would if I felt the need - I have not felt the need

Have you gone through their personal things, like a purse, back pack, wallet?   Back pack - yes.  I usually ask.  People forget stuff - and I don't know, backpacks are a school thing, and I feel I have the right to know their grades, what they are working, etc.  Heck, my DD's teacher expect me to sign her agenda.  I may rethink this, though.

Have you looked through their room?  In a random way?  No.  For a missing library book, etc, I will if it is time sensitive (i.e. i am going to the library now and they are not home).  It is rare that I look in their rooms

 

 


I have another one if you do not mind, Op, and that is how much online privacy do you give them?  Do you know their passwords to Facebook and the like?

 


journeymom's Avatar journeymom 02:12 PM 09-23-2011

Huh, I hadn't though of it that way.  Even if I don't read my dd's texts, her friend's parent might be doing so on the other end.  I should point that out to her. 

 

I don't do any of the things listed.  I think I give my dd a lot of privacy.  However, she left her Facebook account open just yesterday and I did check out her new boyfriend's FB page.  whistling.gif

 

 

So I learned he's an atheist, likes Scott Pilgrim, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog.  orngbiggrin.gif

 

 

Kathy I hadn't read yours when I posted.  I probably know dd's Facebook password, but I haven't purposefully gone in there.  She spends a lot of time on Tumblr and I really don't know what it's about.  But she tells me to stay away because it's nothing but crude humor and teen angst.  eyesroll.gif 

 

I respect her privacy, am not interested in snooping.  But yeah, if I thought there was trouble I would consider it, if I thought it might be useful. 


Imakcerka 02:15 PM 09-23-2011

Actually DD1 is allowed on the webs, she plays mmo's and DH sits with her. The rules for that are, no age, no name, no gender.  Chat is for game play only.  DH reads all that.  The DD's have a FB together with cousins only because they did the summer challenge.  I log into that.  No pictures though just a silly drawing they did together. 


new2this's Avatar new2this 12:16 AM 09-24-2011

We are not there yet. With some things for us privacy is a privelage once trust is broken then you no longer have the right to privacy and have to earn it back. 

I will not go through rooms unless I have reason to believe I need to, diaries I will not read unless I think I need to like to find out if they are depressed and things like that. For the most part your room is your room. I would not listen to phone calls as in picking up the other end. I am not a fan of eaves dropping either. 

Um as far as internet goes I am more in the thinking of being proactive so we will have all pws and they will know that at anytime we can go in. However unless there is reason to then I don't see myself going in there. Its sorta like DH and I have each other's pws but neither of us actually exercise access to each others stuff. And there won't be no computers in rooms but in a open family area. Backpacks though at least 6th grade and under will be free access to. And with age comes more privacy. 

 

 

Pretty much you have privacy and unless we feel we need to look into things we won't invade the privacy. I remember my mom going through my room. However at the time I was upset about it she had good reason. I was 15 and writing 30 yr guy in jail. We knew the guy outside of jail but still wasn't appropriate. And thats also how she found out my friend might be pregnant because she was cleaning and found an empty pregnancy test box in m bathroom so that prompted her to go into my room. Because that aspect was very out of character for me so she was a bit concerned. because we talked about everything. 

 


Imakcerka 06:09 AM 09-24-2011

I wonder why our parents felt the need to go through all of our things.  My mom read my diary.  When I found out I was mad, but being me I chose to write outlandish tales just to freak her out and at the end of the entry I would say things like "HA!  Got you mom!".  You could tell she read it because she would act a little sheepish all day.  I remember my step dad laughing about it all with her one night.  "She got you good this time, stop snooping!"   I was the star child, no joke!  Never did anything.  I was dorky enough to ask to skip school on Senior skip day.  By that point my mom was like, do what you want dork, you never do anything anyway!  By the way I read my moms diary onces... can you say mouth breather?  She had nothing good to say.  "I went to the gym, my shorts were lose today.  I ate an apple, oh I have to remember to bring cookies to church group."  BORING!  Maybe she read mine to spice up her life.

 

I can already tell DD1 won't ever be a problem, she's just not sneaky and she can't lie to save her life.  She'll try to lie but then she says never mind I forgot the rest of my lie.  I always end up laughing and she doesn't get in trouble.  Little DD is a mulberry streeter.  Read Seuss' "The things I saw on Mulberry Street."  And she's sneaky as heck.  This morning, I couldn't find my bobby pins or lipstick.  I have to keep my bathroom locked because she gets in there and takes so much stuff then hides it.  DD1 knows where the key is and is allowed in there because she doesn't touch my things.  So yes I'll be going home today and checking their room, because she'll have lipstick on and come up with how she got lipstick all over herself and it wasn't mine somehow.  Still trying to figure out how she got in my bathroom.  DD1 said she didn't tell her where the key was.  I already told DD1 I'd be going through their room since other things are missing so she knows she has until tonight to hide what she feels she needs to hide from. 


purslaine's Avatar purslaine 06:46 AM 09-24-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

I wonder why our parents felt the need to go through all of our things. 


My parents did not.  I vaguely remember one conversation where my mom said she felt she had the right to look in my stuff if she ever thought I was on drugs or something, but to the best of my knowledge she never did.  

 

The only thing she did which was sort of an invasion of privacy was throw out my clothes and stuff if I did not use them.  I know why she did it ("we have no space - and you are not using it - why should you care?") but it still burned.  My Dh had it even worse in this regard  - he once rescued his pillow which his mom shot out because he thought it was ratty.  We both have issues with stuff, and some of it comes down to not repeating the mistakes our parents made in this regard.  I am not blaming my parents or DH parents for stuff issues - but still, there is baggage there.

 

 

 


stressybessy's Avatar stressybessy 07:06 AM 09-24-2011

Mine is too young for this to be an issue right now, but I remember how little privacy I was allowed by my family and how destructive this was for me. Even now if I write in my diary or write a post online in a help forum I have paranoia about someone I know reading it. I think diaries are off limits. However I've had friends with teenagers tell me awful things they have found on Facebook or in text messages containing abusive and threatening messages from friends or boyfriends which I WOULD want to know about and as parents we do need to know about. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if FB was only available to 18 year olds and over. But mobile phones are necessary for your teenager to contact you so you can't limit that...and I do think it's rude to read someone's texts...


karne's Avatar karne 08:25 AM 09-24-2011

Hmmmm......we give privacy, and ask that everyone respect private spaces in our home. So, theoretically, the kids cannot just bound into each other's  bedrooms, closed doors mean knocking is needed to enter, etc.

 

DD is not on line yet-I think we're one of the last hold outs in middle school, or at least it feels that way!  However, the computer is centrally located, not in the bedrooms.

 

The phone was a place of negotiation.  We do reserve the right to read texts, and dd knows this.  She has fortunately never been the recipient of any bullying, but some of the texts she's received from friends about other kids have been things we are uncomfortable with.  Of course kids can, and will say whatever they want to each other, but it's a different ball game when you put it out there via text or FB.  We have had many conversations about not responding to "chain" texts ( a big issue at school last year).  DD has gotten a few, random texts from unknown people-not in her circle of friends, kind of sketchy, so we've gone over that. 

 

We're in a different place now with some experience, and dd is pretty responsible.  But frankly, the phone was a big deal, and we weren't about to hand off this form of communication without ongoing guidance.  


AllisonR's Avatar AllisonR 09:47 AM 09-24-2011

No to all of the above. But mine are 6 and 4. If I thought there was a SERIOUS issue, like snorting coke or contemplating suicide.... then I think I would break the rules and invade their privacy, just to the degree to get to the issue to help out. My mom read my diary, as did my younger sister, Later they both steamed open the love letters from my boyfriend, read them, then put them back. Disgusting. 

 

However, I bet there are parents, also on this forum, that do many or all of the above. But they are going to read the OP and then not reply. 


cateerob's Avatar cateerob 10:00 AM 09-24-2011

both my kids are on face book..17yr old ds and 14yr dd... both are my friend on fb  so i do monitor their accounts, i have the controls set up on the laptops so i can check which websites the look at, i cant remember the last time i checked my sons but my dd is not making very good choices at the moment and had some mental health issues so i keep an eye on her online and as i pay for her phone i do occasionally check her txt messages/call log. I know both kids passwords for email etc, i don't check my sons anymore..he may even have changed his password

 

 

 

 

 I wouldn't read their journals if they had them, not sure if they do... don't go into their rooms when they are out  except to dump the clean laundry on their beds or to retrieve something of mine that i know is in there. I don't listen in on their calls unless they are sitting in the same room then i cant help but hear

 

 

 

I think there is a big difference between the privacy  of a journal compared to the supposed privacy of being on-line...

 

I wouldn't follow either of them, but if they tell me they are somewhere that is where i expect them to be and i do phone their friends parents occasionally to make sure they really where they have told me they are, they both know i will do this so no point lying about who's house you are sleeping over in.

 

 

All in all i think it depends on the child, i have caught my daughter out so many times with lying about who she is taling to and where she is going that she has much less  privacy  than  my son, her choice.


A&A's Avatar A&A 10:52 AM 09-24-2011

We only look at their online activities because we want to keep them safe and away from bullies.   


karne's Avatar karne 10:58 AM 09-24-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by cateerob View Post

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think there is a big difference between the privacy  of a journal compared to the supposed privacy of being on-line...

 

 

I agree with this.  I would not read journals, open mail, snoop around a room, follow my child (unless I felt they were in danger), but the on-line piece and the text piece feel different to me, esp. when your teen is younger and inexperienced.  I get that there are parents who can, or feel they can, be completely hands off, and I'm sure that when my oldest is further into her teens, we will be too.  But, we do ask her to bring us questionable texts, etc. to talk over.  Last year she had a friend giving out other kids phone #'s to basically an adult stranger, and there were chain mail texts going around that felt more threatening than silly.  We have parental controls-we blocked the creepy #.  

 

For me, there is a difference between snooping, or being overly controlling, and being a normal parent who doesn't hand over the reigns to everything in order to seem not intrusive.  Probably not a popular or cool MDC position, but there you have it.


tooraloora's Avatar tooraloora 11:38 AM 09-24-2011

My kids are still very young (14 months and 6 years) so a lot of this hasn't come up yet. Right now, my 6 year old DD does not keep a diary yet, does not have phone access, goes no where without me, and we share a room. As it stands now, none of us have any privacy, and she hasn't expressed any interest in having privacy. It seems to be a foreign concept for her, much to our roommate's chagrin. Lately we've been discussing privacy (specifically our roommate's desire for it) and working on openness, honesty, trust, and making good choices. I'm hoping by the time she becomes interested in having privacy, we'll have established enough trust that snooping won't be necessary. I don't plan on invading her privacy unless I'm legitimately afraid for her safety. However, even then, there are certain things that just feel off limits to me, the biggie being reading her diary. I got in a lot of trouble over my journal entries when I was younger, and I clearly remember how violated I felt knowing that someone had read my most intimate thoughts and that I was being punished for having them. I don't ever want to make her feel like that. Of course I'd never directly punish over something like that, but at the same time, going into someone's personal thoughts you're risking finding something you don't want to know, and I imagine it would be difficult to not react to some things. It just seems best not to put myself or her in that position to begin with. As far as the online thing goes, my kids don't have access to computers, and I don't plan on that changing very much. In a few years, I may start letting DD use my lap top occasionally for educational purposes, but not for anything else, and as I'm her teacher, of course I'd be supervising. My computer is the only screen in the house, and I'd like to eventually limit my own use to no more than an hour or so per week.


Smithie's Avatar Smithie 04:48 PM 09-24-2011

 

My parents, stellar in many ways, were TERRIBLE about respecting privacy. I literally did not have privacy for my bodily functions. I was 22 years old before I stopped dragging a piece of furniture in front of the bathroom door in the house I shared with my boyfriend. My parents wouldn't (couldn't?) understand that my desire for privacy was legitimate and healthy in the way that an adult's would be. I used to have to push my bedstead against the door at night to keep my little brother from coming in at the crack of dawn and hitting me in the face. The usual journal-reading, etc. that characterizes parents who don't respect privacy was also an issue sometimes, but the tough part for me was the lack of physical privacy. 

 

All of that to illustrate how much I appreciate the need for my children to have privacy in my home, and that it's my role as a parent to provide spaces where they can be alone with no fear of being barged in on. Our bathrooms have locks and our bedroom have locks. Everybody knocks. I clean up their stuff and will be doing that for years, but I can't imagine anything a normal kid would have in their bedroom that would prompt me into some kind of confrontation with them. I'm a pretty laid-back person about naughty pictures and cigarettes and other such teenage contraband. My folks set a good example on that front at least. 

 

The big change that has happened, of course, is digital communication. My kids are too young for texting or Facebook. They do surf the Web a bit, and I monitor that. When they are old enough to WANT privacy for texting or Internet use - well, that's when I get to tell them that there's no such thing, and that they must assume that every word, image, idea they consume or put out there - especially ones connected to their IRL identity - can and will be intercepted and viewed by their own parents or somebody else's. Until they are 18, I'm going to monitor them in cyberspace. 

 

I will not, however, eavesdrop on any real conversation they may choose to have offline, with friends who I can actually see :-)

 

 

 

 


onlyzombiecat's Avatar onlyzombiecat 08:29 PM 09-24-2011

Dd is 11 years old. I think most of these questions pertain to privacy for teens so I am not quite there yet.

 

Have you ever read their diary? No paper diary that I know of. I don't think I would look at one unless dd was acting in a manner that made me worried for her safety and wouldn't talk to anyone.

Listened in on a phone call? Well, I've been in the room when she is on the phone but she knew it. I've never secretly picked up another receiver and listened in.

Asked their friends questions about them they wouldn't answer? No. Not unless she was acting super weird and wouldn't talk and I was afraid for her safety.

Would you follow them? I can't imagine doing this.

Have you gone through their personal things, like a purse, back pack, wallet? Not really. I have looked for things with dd's permission and knowledge or checked if something is packed for a trip. I do sometimes help with room cleaning or put away clothes without much warning.

Have you looked through their room? Not really. I go in there to speak to her or put something away but I don't go in just to look through things.

How much privacy do you give your kids and how often do you feel you invade their privacy?

I give dd more privacy than she gives me. I guess I invade dd's privacy a bit but I don't think it is excessive or for the purpose of snooping.

The bathroom door has a lock which dd can use. Dd's bedroom has a door that she frequently closes. If doors are closed we are supposed to knock in our house. Dd has her own computer (no internet) and I don't look at anything on it unless she shows me. Dd doesn't have unsupervised internet access or a phone of her own. I haven't forbidden dd to use the phone but she never calls anyone. She doesn't have a Facebook or e-mail account of her own yet. I do allow her to send e-mail to certain people with my e-mail account and I do not read the messages first. I do not follow her around 24/7 to see what she is doing. She has been off in another part of the house for over an hour and I haven't checked on her.

 


Zan&Zav's Avatar Zan&Zav 06:31 AM 09-25-2011

Mine are 7 and 5 right now but I have learned some valuable lessons through my best friend who has a 14 year old son. I will read every text, or they won't have phones. I will have the password for every account they have online, or they won't be able to access the internet in my home. I believe if all parents were like this kids would get in deep trouble far less. And my friends son told me in confidence that he likes knowing mom will check, that it keeps him from making poor decisions. Now I won't go through their rooms or anything unless I felt they were in some kind of trouble. I feel with anything digital its easy for adults to fall into trouble and it's alot of responsibility to hand over to a child without them having time to learn.


ollyoxenfree's Avatar ollyoxenfree 09:12 AM 09-25-2011

 

 

 

Have you ever read their diary?  No. 

Listened in on a phone call?  Overheard, yes, when they knew that I was present (so they could move away and speak privately if they wanted). Eavesdropped surreptiously, no. 

Asked their friends questions about them they wouldn't answer?  No

Would you follow them?  No

Have you gone through their personal things, like a purse, back pack, wallet?  Only with their knowledge, to borrow a pen or something like that. 

Have you looked through their room?  They know that if they don't put their dirty clothes or bed linens in the laundry, I will go get them. Likewise, if they leave clean laundry or books or other personal items lying out, I will put them in their rooms. I don't go through their drawers or peep under the bed. 

 

How much privacy do you give your kids and how often do you feel you invade their privacy?  

 

I respect their privacy. I don't have passwords for their e-mail or Facebook. I hated living without privacy when I was growing up (a parent who snooped and listened in on my phone calls, many siblings so it was hard to find separate space at home, and I shared bedroom until I moved out at age 17, desperate for my own space). I don't want my dc to feel like that in their own home. I trust that they have learned to conduct themselves appropriately, including on-line, and that they will seek out my help if they need it to deal with any problems.

 

I also believe that I don't need to know about or share every.single.little.thing about their lives to have a close and loving relationship with them. I don't need to spy on them or deceive them to know that they are doing well. If they are troubled about something, I recognize the signs and extend some extra support and comfort and let them know that I'm available to help them. 

 


meemee's Avatar meemee 11:55 AM 09-25-2011

my dd is 9.

 

when i was reading your OP my reaction was v. visceral. jaw.gifmy insides completely churned and my whole body went NOOOOOO!!!!

 

dd is on FB, has her own email account and surfs the web often. she has been given her boundaries there and also been told she needs overseeing where this is concerned. she knows all her online stuff is not private. even when she opened up her new secret society email she knew i had to have access to it. she has had dangers of internet talk. 

 

when she is online i take a cursory glance at her email. she writes to some common adults i am not so much in touch with. 

 

if i ever felt like snooping for me it would be a total failure as a mother. that i wasnt able to be the mother dd wanted and thus i had to snoop. but who knows. she is not 14 yet. right now i dont have to worry about secrets.

 

plus dd has some of my friends who i consider safe and wise and whom dd loves so she has someone else to talk to when she doesnt want to talk to me. 

 

so i feel there really should be no reason for major secrets. 


Linda on the move's Avatar Linda on the move 05:49 PM 09-25-2011


Quote:
Originally Posted by cateerob View Post

I think there is a big difference between the privacy  of a journal compared to the supposed privacy of being on-line...


 

On my kids' facebook accounts, they have set the privacy settings so that no one can see their page without them accepting the person as a friend. They are also both in a small, private facebook group which only people in the group can see/read. They both have private one-on-one chats with friends on facebook.

 

To feel that as their mother, none of that is private and I have a right/obligation to review all of it to me is the same thing as a parent routinely listen at the door with a teen is talking to a friend, or picking up the other phone to listen to conversations.

 

I think there is a difference between being "friends" with one's child on Facebook, and demanding the passwords to write what the child has deemed private. Very different things.

 

The reason I'm not facebook friends with my kids is that I'm not into facebook, and have no desire to get into it just so I can follow my kids around.


FarmerBeth's Avatar FarmerBeth 08:56 PM 09-25-2011

I give my kids privacy as much as possible.  I can still remember (and I'm afraid that even now it's still with anger) my mother reading everything I had in my dresser drawers.  I was a prolific writer, and I was upset not only about true things I had written in my journal being dug up, but also poetry and fiction that was not edited or ready for public consumption.  The fiction reading may not have bothered some teens, but to me it was humiliating.  She even read an experimental piece of poetry about bleeding and assumed I was picturing killing her, out of all things.  I took nearly two years to write anything again, outside of school.  The only vindication was that at least the piece I wrote was picked up by a small publishing company.  I think that to this day I still prefer nonverbal expression just because it's less concretely capable of being interpreted.

 

Because my older two are preteens, I do keep the computer in a family space so that they feel less inclined to get into situations they shouldn't be comfortable in, but i don't read anything.  They e-mail but don't Facebook (none of us do), but they do play online games.  My youngest has parental controls on his account because he's 7, so that he can only chat with approved people on our list.  Before DH went back to school to become a nurse, he worked in the computer engineering field, and for a while specifically in security.  He's very explicit with the kids as to how little privacy there is with anything online, and I feel they are adequately informed.

 

I did accidentally come upon a note once.  It fell out on the floor from a backpack, and I read it to see who it belonged to.  I saw that my daughter had been passing along a poll about who didn't like a girl in her class.  I couldn't help remembering being that girl, once, and brought it up.  She felt so betrayed and was angry with me for days, and I felt awful.  I didn't know if it was worse that I had read it or that I had discussed it.  We decided together after that if I find a random paper from now on, I'll just ask who it belongs to and walk away.  I'd rather find out things when my kids are ready to discuss it than happen upon it again.


Smithie's Avatar Smithie 09:58 AM 09-26-2011

 

"She felt so betrayed and was angry with me for days, and I felt awful."

 

Having been in a similar position once (not with that particular genre of note, but something else meanspirited), what you daughter probably actually felt was shame that you had found out about her cruelty. That's an appropriate emotion for her to feel in that circumstance.

 

I'm not saying you should make a habit of digging through her stuff, but bullying is something that you need to address whenever it comes to your attention, not when the bully is "ready to discuss it." You had a parent-job to do and you did it. 


BroodyWoodsgal's Avatar BroodyWoodsgal 10:00 AM 09-26-2011

I believe privacy is very important, because what "I respect your privacy" really says, is "I respect YOU".

 

That being said, we don't have TV here, the internet is not on my kids radar (period...and it won't be for as long as possible, it is just WAY against our value system to allow access to the world in that way), we belong to a small homeschool co-op, and will not at any point in time be buying a cell phone for any child while they are living under our roof....so, our world is very small and we've gone out of our way to live in the middle of nowhere and create a very laid back and safe place for our kids to grow.

 

The only areas of modern life that make me feel an itch to turn "snoopy" involve things that we just don't like anyway (cell phone, FB, surfing the web, etc). Things like journals and friendships and all of that, REAL places which actually exist in the mind and heart and real world for my kids....those are sacred. I would never read a journal without an extremely serious reason.

 

So yeah, I'm against snooping. Unless I find out you've been lying to me, sneaking away, or doing something that could get you hurt. Then, it's *on*....and you will have no room to breathe until I am reasonably assured that you are reformed and won't keep dangerous things from me again.

 

I think it's much harder though, for parents with kids in large schools, whose kids have a TON of different friends, or for parents who have children with cell phones and FB pages and all of that. IMO, a journal is SOOOO much different than a FB page. I would never snoop a journal.....but I would have an EXTREMELY hard time not snooping a FB page.


cateerob's Avatar cateerob 10:05 AM 09-26-2011


This is the reason i have my kids passwords and monitor thier accounts..my 14 daughter will accept friend requests from anyone..i have expalined the risks of this numerous times but have still found her talking to 18 year old  boys who she does not know and who are asking her out  ...i dont think it is the same as listening at the door i know all my daughters friends who come to the house, even if i dont i can see that person in frount of me and know they are who they say they are...

 

Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post



 


 

On my kids' facebook accounts, they have set the privacy settings so that no one can see their page without them accepting the person as a friend. They are also both in a small, private facebook group which only people in the group can see/read. They both have private one-on-one chats with friends on facebook.

 

To feel that as their mother, none of that is private and I have a right/obligation to review all of it to me is the same thing as a parent routinely listen at the door with a teen is talking to a friend, or picking up the other phone to listen to conversations.

 

 

 


Adaline'sMama's Avatar Adaline'sMama 11:08 AM 09-26-2011
My parents listened to phone calls, read my diary, went through my purse, went through my dresser and all through my room, and pretty much snooped all the time. Nothing was private in my house. And I still tell them pretty much nothing about my life. I lied all through my early 20s about everything I did, just so that I could have a life that they didnt know about. As a teenager, I kept my journal in my best friends glove box, my pot underneath the rock in front of the mailbox, and my condoms outside in a ziplock bag taped to the underside of the front porch.

If you dont give kids privacy, they will lie and do whatever it takes to have it. JMO, I dont have an older kid, so its just my experience.
Smithie's Avatar Smithie 12:51 PM 09-26-2011

 

"As a teenager, I kept my journal in my best friends glove box, my pot underneath the rock in front of the mailbox, and my condoms outside in a ziplock bag taped to the underside of the front porch."

 

While I don't want my kids to have to live that way, I am impressed by your ingenuity. winky.gif


1 2  3 

Up