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#1 of 21 Old 10-31-2011, 09:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I've been feeling really unsupported by my extended family lately. My mom and sister have probably been my two biggest critics. Normally, we get along, but ever since I began exclusively cloth diapering my little one at about two months of age.... I feel like their questions and critiques are non stop. Actually, they seem to take turns, although I'm sure it's not conscious. At least, I hope not. However, that's part of the frustration for me... that its unconscious. I wish their interactions with me were more encouraging than discouraging.

 

As stated above, some of the first critiquing and questioning came upon my decision to exclusively cloth diaper my LO. My sister began expressing her concerns that the crotch portion of the diaper was too big and would it prevent my LOs legs from developing properly and possibly become bow-legged. As I learned about which cloth diapers were most effective in preventing leaks, my extended family all contributed to making fun of how big the diapers are (which all cloth diapers seem a little bigger than disposables. we now use prefolds with wool pants).

 

I also have chosen to exclusively breastfeed my LO for the first 12 months. Again, questions from my sister about whether or not that's okay and on and on. My little one is growing well and gaining well, so there is no reason for concern. I occasionally allow my LO to munch on foods, like steamed broccoli or raw carrots to soothe teething gums. I am practicing Elimination Communication with my LO and one morning I spotted something unusual in the stool. Upon looking more closely, I discovered it was a tiny piece of broccoli! I wasn't alarmed because I knew some of it would likely make it's way through LOs system, but what I found interesting is that it was still evidently broccoli, which led me to believe my LOs digestive system is not ready for solids (even though I was already not planning to feed solids for a year). I shared this with my sister and it seems to have quieted her concerns about my choice to EBF.

 

As for my mom, she seems to question less but make pokes and digs and critique. For example, my LO bumped her head on a puzzle and cried and my brother was recounting the story to our mom. My mom then looked at my little one and said, "aww... were they not watching you." I was right there, but LO simply lost balance and toppled, like any child mastering their balance. What made this comment so upsetting was that earlier in the evening, I had already expressed my frustration to my mother about how unsupported I felt she was and that I did not need her to give me parenting advice because I'm hard enough on myself ... I didn't need it from anyone else. I am comfortable asking for advice and though I take pride in my parenting, my pride does not cloud my ability to ask for help or advice when I need it. Earlier in the day, my mother had also tried to tell me that I really shouldn't put my child in the middle of a disagreement with my sister. My mother was not  present for the disagreement with my sister and therefore didn't know that my child had not actually been put in the middle of anything. What was actually behind the comment, was that I shouldn't remove my child from social situations with my sister because the two of us are not getting along. I disagree though, because sometimes my sister is incredibly inconsiderate and sometimes down right hateful, and often turns the blame to anyone except herself. If I confront her about it, she becomes defensive, unapologetic, and unwilling to take responsibility to anything hurtful or inconsiderate that she did or said. Even if she isn't confronted, she's on the defense and avoids interacting with whomever she had a spat with. Normally, I just try to stay on her good side, but there are some things I'm unwilling to be quiet about. When those times come, I don't socialize (mainly because she just ignores me anyway) with her and my mother thinks I should still let her spend time with my child. I could not disagree more though. I feel like, first of all, it's my decision who my child interacts with. Secondly, if I'm not getting along with someone, I don't think it's seems necessary to socialize with someone who is hostile. inconsiderate and unwilling to say, "I'm sorry for being so inconsiderate." I think it's a huge privilege to share a relationship with a child and if someone isn't able to be kind to their mother or father, I see little reason for why they should have the luxury of being in relationship with the child. Does anyone else share this view?

 

I hope that is somewhat clear. I feel so alone in my decisions and really just want to be encouraged. I have communicated feeling stressed and alone to my mom, but she just does not seem to get it at all! I don't know how to be more clear. Mostly, I feel like I just can't talk to her anymore, which makes me sad because I love my mom and want to be able to receive support and love from her. Lately, I just feel like she's absent and I miss her. I also feel like I'm at a brick wall with my sister too, just not knowing what else to do in relationship with her with things are tension-filled between us. 

 

Has anyone else experienced frustrations like this? I feel so alone. 

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#2 of 21 Old 11-01-2011, 08:44 AM
 
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I'm sorry you feel this way and that they're not being supported. I don't have any real advice just a :hug. I don't have a mom or a sister to argue with but it sounds frustrating.  You just have to know you are doing your best and doing your research. How old is baby? How old is sister? I do know that cloth diapers are very good for babies and admire anyone who puts in that work. I wasn't able to breastfeed so your child is very lucky to have that. It's very good for him. If he's over 6 months you could try different foods.. softer foods. He may be sensitive to brocolli. You could try cherios or crackers or sweet potatoes. You can breastfeed and feed solids at the same time after 6 months. And I'm sorry about the writing police aspect but.. they are your immediate family not extended ;) Extended would be like a cousin.

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#3 of 21 Old 11-01-2011, 09:24 AM
 
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Being a first time mom and sticking to the decisions you have made can be really hard without supportive family members. I know how you feel. There are three things I encourage you to do:


1. Get some confidence. Honestly, its the best thing in the world to have when people are questioning your decision making. If you are 100% confident that you are making the right decision, then you will wear it like bright red lipstick. Your mom and sister will feel the vibe of "oh, she has researched this. She knows what she is talking about." You say you are hard on yourself- quit it. Seriously, if you want to make these decisions, then just make them and know that you are doing what you believe in and what is best for your kid. Period. If they disagree with you, oh well. That's their problem, right? They had their kids to raise, this one is yours and its your turn to make the rules.


2. Relax a little. Laugh it off. When your sister tells you how bowlegged your son will be, laugh and say, "Well, maybe that will slow him down a little and I wont have to babyproof my cabinets." Just because your mom and sister offer an opinion or make a joke at your expense doesnt mean that they think you are a bad mom. They probably do think you are weird and doing things abnormally, but all in all, I doubt seriously that they are really judging you. Let the rules go a little when you are around family. Honestly, yes, I do believe that its important for other family members to have a relationship with the child regardless of whether or not they like you. Are they toxic? Are they dangerous? Are they going to undermine you? If so, then no, they dont need to be around your kid. If you are just arguing, its controlling and manipulative to use your child as a bargaining chip for a good relationship. I know so many people who say, "Well, I have to play nice or Ill never see my niece." Would you rather your kid grow up watching relationships be real or grow up watching everything be Leave it to Beaver style and fake as all get out? IMO, relationships with family members are not a privilege.

3. Stop sharing so much information. Its really no one's business what the decisions you are making are. We dont tell our family about a lot of things. EBF= "Oh, he hasnt really taken to solids yet." Vax= "She has had all the shots she needs" (you know, none of them). Weight= "The doctor says she is perfect." (she is, nevermind that she is in the 1 percentile. She is healthy.) If you think they are going to disagree with you, just dont talk about it with them. If they bring it up, let them know that youve done your research and you have already made a decision. End of story.

As far as EBF until 12 months goes, I would never do that, but we did "Under one, just for fun" meaning that I never pushed the solid food until after she turned one.

That being said, I know its hard to go without support. Are there any playgroups with like minded moms in the area? What about other family members?

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#4 of 21 Old 11-01-2011, 03:44 PM
 
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#5 of 21 Old 11-02-2011, 02:53 PM
 
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Sometimes people need to live with your choices for a while before they come around. My mom called the midwives 'witch doctors' right up until my son was born. She was at the birth, and around every day after that for a while. When she saw the standard of care I was receiving she completely changed her tune. Now she thinks everyone should have a midwife! She thinks a midwife at the hospital is 'the best of both worlds'! Same with nursing... she didn't see the point once you can feed them (which she would say is 4 - 6 months) but once my son was older I heard her say to a few people "Oh, she can't stop nursing him now, it's the only time she sits down!" It sucks to have to get through the tough bit and get the support after the fact, but that seems to be the way it goes pretty often.


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#6 of 21 Old 11-03-2011, 09:23 PM
 
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do you have any sarcasm in you? sarcasm gets me through the day when im around extremely un-baby friendly people. 

 

ex: my aunt was adamant about me covering up while NIP. i said, "but doesnt EVERYONE want to see my boobs?" with a totally serious face. she rolled her eyes and continued about her day...

 

we cloth diaper as well. when a family member comments on how "big" his butt his, i just tell them theyre jealous winky.gif

 

and my ds2 didnt eat solid foods until 14 1/2 months. not a bite. i dont know how many times ive pointed at him and said, "look at this baby! does he look starving?! the only food he needs is in my milk. im eating for him." because this was biggie and lots of people commented on how he must be starving. now that he is eating EVERYTHING, everybody says, "see! we knew he would eat when he was ready." rolleyes.gif

 

thats how i handle things anyways. and like the PP said, they probably do think you are weird. whatever. you're doing what is best for your baby. they dont have to agree. desensitize them! get them used to cloth diapers and BFing and delayed solids. my whole family, finally after 2.5 years, now tells everyone they know all the positive aspects of BFing and CDs and homebirth and midwives ... its just took a lot of patience (and some serious sarcasm) on my part. 

 

good luck mama!

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#7 of 21 Old 11-04-2011, 01:16 AM
 
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Adelains mom had great comments I second her.


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#8 of 21 Old 11-04-2011, 02:00 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryBombMama View Post

ex: my aunt was adamant about me covering up while NIP. i said, "but doesnt EVERYONE want to see my boobs?" with a totally serious face. she rolled her eyes and continued about her day...

 



ROTFLMAO.gif  Just saying, I really hope I end up with a chance to use this myself.  

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#9 of 21 Old 11-05-2011, 08:30 AM
 
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Jewel1288 I'm sorry you are dealing with this. IMHO it seems that those of us that break the "mainstream" mold, we are subjected to more crap (for lack of the right wording) from people that are our family, friends, neighbors, and people we meet at kid groups. It seems to me that people feel threatened by some of us AP people wanting to change the way we do things. I'm not sure why they feel this way, but it seems to happen to more of us that other mom's that I know.  

 

My advice to you Jewel1288 is that you need to put some space between you and your mom and sister. You need to decide that YOU are the mom and that only YOU and DH are the one's that make these decisions for your family. I would suggest that you keep your practices- cloth diapers, EBF, extended rear facing, no vaxing, co-sleeping, baby wearing....whatever you decide is right for your LO - ya know- those decisions are NOT to be shared with Mom and Sis, because obviously they cannot respect your decisions. I know it sucks. I've btdt, and I hate to do it- but I will not defend my beliefs over and over- ya know?  Also, it seems that your Sis is under the impression that she holds power over your LO. Meaning that if she cannot have a relationship with you she can still have access to your LO- and that's NOT going to happen. I would recommend that you set up some serious boundaries with your dear sister. If she can't respect that then I would put some space between all of you. I would also try to cut back on the drama with her by using the bean dip method.

 

I wish you the best of luck with this. I know it sucks, but I know that you are doing the best for your LO. I wish I had a better solution, but I just don't. The only advice I have is to stop discussing things that they have no input into. 


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#10 of 21 Old 11-06-2011, 01:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Being a first time mom and sticking to the decisions you have made can be really hard without supportive family members. I know how you feel. There are three things I encourage you to do:
1. Get some confidence. Honestly, its the best thing in the world to have when people are questioning your decision making. If you are 100% confident that you are making the right decision, then you will wear it like bright red lipstick. Your mom and sister will feel the vibe of "oh, she has researched this. She knows what she is talking about." You say you are hard on yourself- quit it. Seriously, if you want to make these decisions, then just make them and know that you are doing what you believe in and what is best for your kid. Period. If they disagree with you, oh well. That's their problem, right? They had their kids to raise, this one is yours and its your turn to make the rules.
2. Relax a little. Laugh it off. When your sister tells you how bowlegged your son will be, laugh and say, "Well, maybe that will slow him down a little and I wont have to babyproof my cabinets." Just because your mom and sister offer an opinion or make a joke at your expense doesnt mean that they think you are a bad mom. They probably do think you are weird and doing things abnormally, but all in all, I doubt seriously that they are really judging you. Let the rules go a little when you are around family. Honestly, yes, I do believe that its important for other family members to have a relationship with the child regardless of whether or not they like you. Are they toxic? Are they dangerous? Are they going to undermine you? If so, then no, they dont need to be around your kid. If you are just arguing, its controlling and manipulative to use your child as a bargaining chip for a good relationship. I know so many people who say, "Well, I have to play nice or Ill never see my niece." Would you rather your kid grow up watching relationships be real or grow up watching everything be Leave it to Beaver style and fake as all get out? IMO, relationships with family members are not a privilege.
3. Stop sharing so much information. Its really no one's business what the decisions you are making are. We dont tell our family about a lot of things. EBF= "Oh, he hasnt really taken to solids yet." Vax= "She has had all the shots she needs" (you know, none of them). Weight= "The doctor says she is perfect." (she is, nevermind that she is in the 1 percentile. She is healthy.) If you think they are going to disagree with you, just dont talk about it with them. If they bring it up, let them know that youve done your research and you have already made a decision. End of story.
As far as EBF until 12 months goes, I would never do that, but we did "Under one, just for fun" meaning that I never pushed the solid food until after she turned one.
That being said, I know its hard to go without support. Are there any playgroups with like minded moms in the area? What about other family members?

 

 

Thanks for the advice. I normally am really confident. I just can't take any more critique, ya know? It takes a toll on my confidence. I'm not usually someone to turn something into a joke, like you suggested, but I definitely need to loosen up. Thanks for the kind reminder. :)

 

Regarding my sister, I, too whole-heartedly believe it's very important for healthy family relationships to exist. When we disagree, it's often more than just an argument, many times she will spout off untrue things about my character and integrity to me directly and sometimes others. It's not acceptable to me on any level. When those disagreements and/or lies occur... I tend to distance myself until we talk through it and apologies are made (sometimes by just her and sometimes by myself as well). No, I don't want my LO to see fake behavior. I want to display healthy boundaries for my children, which does not mean allowing other people to be intentionally mean and hurtful and then carry on as though they weren't. 

 

Thanks for your helpful suggestions. :)

 

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#11 of 21 Old 11-06-2011, 01:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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#12 of 21 Old 11-06-2011, 01:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by Mummoth View Post

Sometimes people need to live with your choices for a while before they come around. My mom called the midwives 'witch doctors' right up until my son was born. She was at the birth, and around every day after that for a while. When she saw the standard of care I was receiving she completely changed her tune. Now she thinks everyone should have a midwife! She thinks a midwife at the hospital is 'the best of both worlds'! Same with nursing... she didn't see the point once you can feed them (which she would say is 4 - 6 months) but once my son was older I heard her say to a few people "Oh, she can't stop nursing him now, it's the only time she sits down!" It sucks to have to get through the tough bit and get the support after the fact, but that seems to be the way it goes pretty often.



You make a really valid point. I had not thought about them coming around! :-p My sister has even begun changing the occasional cloth diaper, lol. This is really an improvement because all of my family members avoided it at all costs until recently. I was really happy to read your mom came around to your decision to have midwives. Thank the good Lord my mom was supportive of me having a home birth because she had some really negative hospital experiences. 

Thanks for the encouragement that things will change in time. I hope they do. :)

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#13 of 21 Old 11-06-2011, 01:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryBombMama View Post

do you have any sarcasm in you? sarcasm gets me through the day when im around extremely un-baby friendly people. 

 

ex: my aunt was adamant about me covering up while NIP. i said, "but doesnt EVERYONE want to see my boobs?" with a totally serious face. she rolled her eyes and continued about her day...

 

we cloth diaper as well. when a family member comments on how "big" his butt his, i just tell them theyre jealous winky.gif

 

and my ds2 didnt eat solid foods until 14 1/2 months. not a bite. i dont know how many times ive pointed at him and said, "look at this baby! does he look starving?! the only food he needs is in my milk. im eating for him." because this was biggie and lots of people commented on how he must be starving. now that he is eating EVERYTHING, everybody says, "see! we knew he would eat when he was ready." rolleyes.gif

 

thats how i handle things anyways. and like the PP said, they probably do think you are weird. whatever. you're doing what is best for your baby. they dont have to agree. desensitize them! get them used to cloth diapers and BFing and delayed solids. my whole family, finally after 2.5 years, now tells everyone they know all the positive aspects of BFing and CDs and homebirth and midwives ... its just took a lot of patience (and some serious sarcasm) on my part. 

 

good luck mama!


Ahaha I love your suggestions about NIP and cloth diapers. I will most definitely be using those responses from now on! haa weird, yes, I just want my family, of all people, to be the ones who don't think I'm weird. As another momma said, in time. :) 

Thank you so much for the suggestions. :-D

 

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#14 of 21 Old 11-08-2011, 02:02 AM
 
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Being a stay home father I am all too familiar with criticism and constant interfering. My advise is too stand your ground as the decisions you are making are for the well being of your child. My mother was constantly telling me how to raise my kids until one day I lost my temper and told her that as the man of my household and the father of my children she would have to accept my decisions or stay away. It broke my heart to hear myself say it because I love my mother, without her I'd not be half the man I am but there comes a point where a mother needs to accept her son or daughter is a mother or father themselves and will make their own decisions.

 

I have to be honest, I have never looked into cloth diapering and it sounds very odd to myself, but no parent makes a decision about their kids with intent to hard their child and just because you have made a decision against the "norm" it doesn't mean it is a bad decision. My mother chose to hit me with a bamboo cane when I swore at her when I was 8 years old and although I would never do this to my little girls I think it was the right thing for my mother to do to me as I was unruley, abusive and beyond control and it put me into line. I remember the day like it was yesterday and it instantly knocked me back into behaving and allowed her to teach me good morals.

 

II know it may seem like I'm warbling on but my point is what a parent does to/for their child is their choice and whilst others may frown on a decision a parent makes it doesn't make it the wrong one. 

 

My suggestion is get someone to look after your little one/s and have a chat with your mother and sister and point out that whilst they may not agree with the decisions you make, they are your decisions to make and if they cannot respect that it is not only going to drive a wedge between you and them but could also have the same effect with your little one as children do sense bad vibes between people.

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#15 of 21 Old 11-09-2011, 05:10 AM
 
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Being a stay home father I am all too familiar with criticism and constant interfering. My advise is too stand your ground as the decisions you are making are for the well being of your child. My mother was constantly telling me how to raise my kids until one day I lost my temper and told her that as the man of my household and the father of my children she would have to accept my decisions or stay away. It broke my heart to hear myself say it because I love my mother, without her I'd not be half the man I am but there comes a point where a mother needs to accept her son or daughter is a mother or father themselves and will make their own decisions.

 

I have to be honest, I have never looked into cloth diapering and it sounds very odd to myself, but no parent makes a decision about their kids with intent to hard their child and just because you have made a decision against the "norm" it doesn't mean it is a bad decision. My mother chose to hit me with a bamboo cane when I swore at her when I was 8 years old and although I would never do this to my little girls I think it was the right thing for my mother to do to me as I was unruley, abusive and beyond control and it put me into line. I remember the day like it was yesterday and it instantly knocked me back into behaving and allowed her to teach me good morals.

 

II know it may seem like I'm warbling on but my point is what a parent does to/for their child is their choice and whilst others may frown on a decision a parent makes it doesn't make it the wrong one. 

 

My suggestion is get someone to look after your little one/s and have a chat with your mother and sister and point out that whilst they may not agree with the decisions you make, they are your decisions to make and if they cannot respect that it is not only going to drive a wedge between you and them but could also have the same effect with your little one as children do sense bad vibes between people.


Hitting children is never okay, no matter what their behavior is like. There are many other ways to handle a child who is beyond control than to beat them with a bamboo cane. I'm glad that you feel that it worked for you, but my honest opinion is that beating a child does not "knock them back into behaving or teach them morals. Sometimes when people frown on other's parenting decisions, it does indeed make it the wrong choice. Child abuse is never okay.
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#16 of 21 Old 11-09-2011, 10:12 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Jewel1288 I'm sorry you are dealing with this. IMHO it seems that those of us that break the "mainstream" mold, we are subjected to more crap (for lack of the right wording) from people that are our family, friends, neighbors, and people we meet at kid groups. It seems to me that people feel threatened by some of us AP people wanting to change the way we do things. I'm not sure why they feel this way, but it seems to happen to more of us that other mom's that I know.  

 

My advice to you Jewel1288 is that you need to put some space between you and your mom and sister. You need to decide that YOU are the mom and that only YOU and DH are the one's that make these decisions for your family. I would suggest that you keep your practices- cloth diapers, EBF, extended rear facing, no vaxing, co-sleeping, baby wearing....whatever you decide is right for your LO - ya know- those decisions are NOT to be shared with Mom and Sis, because obviously they cannot respect your decisions. I know it sucks. I've btdt, and I hate to do it- but I will not defend my beliefs over and over- ya know?  Also, it seems that your Sis is under the impression that she holds power over your LO. Meaning that if she cannot have a relationship with you she can still have access to your LO- and that's NOT going to happen. I would recommend that you set up some serious boundaries with your dear sister. If she can't respect that then I would put some space between all of you. I would also try to cut back on the drama with her by using the bean dip method.

 

I wish you the best of luck with this. I know it sucks, but I know that you are doing the best for your LO. I wish I had a better solution, but I just don't. The only advice I have is to stop discussing things that they have no input into. 

 

You're absolutely right. We are subjected to more criticism. Ugh, it's so frustrating. I expected it, but even though I knew it would come... it certainly doesn't make it any easier. I'm really happy with my decision to AP. Truly, I do wish people were more receptive as a whole, but being the odd woman out doesn't bother me. I just wish more parents were aware of what AP is, so that their children and whole family could benefit from how wonderful it is. Of course, you can probably relate. 

Boundaries are easier said than done. I agree, though. I do need to set some boundaries. I think because they're family, they think any topic is on the table. 

What's the bean dip method?
 

 

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#17 of 21 Old 11-12-2011, 06:25 PM
 
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I really resonated with some of your post! I am sorry they are not being supportive. I am not dealing with that with my sister and mom- that must be so ghard- but a little bit of what you are experienceing I am deling with with my in laws. Totally different-but a few things similar-

1. I totally agree with you about it being your right to choose who your little one gets to socialize with and if they are not being respectful and kind to you (such as your sister) then they shouldn't have the privelage of hanging out w- you and your child. I was actually glad to hear this tonight as I was just telling this exact thing to my dh tonight regarding his mom's husband who I feel is disrepspectful to me but wants to be really close to my baby. So I totally support and agree with you on that, even though many other people don't support that choice.

 

The other part of your post I totally got and can relate to is how hurtful and unhelpful criticism is! I was just going through some of that recently- where I felt like I was getting criticized from a few different people. I thought about it and considered if they were right- but ultimately I think it is mostly hurtful for people to always tell others what is wrong with them! IT is so much better to be encouragin.

I am so not coherent in posts tonight so I will just cut this short.

But I wanted to say I felt compassion and understanding for how you feel. I hope you can rekindle your relationship with your mom as it seems like you want to.

And otherwise- do you have a supportive dh or friend? I find sometimes all it takes is one IRL support person to bring me back to sefl assurance. Ultimately it is your own life- and you are making good choices- so try to feel good about yourself and know that everyone else is making comments and having opinions just based on their own values- but you and your child actually live with the consequences of your choices- so be true to your instinct.

I think it is common to come into conflic t with others- but sometimes the conflict fades and it is better to try to trust yourself. I say this to myself as well as you ! in peace.

 

Added edit- have you ever looked into fitted cloth diapers? They are less bulky than prefolds- but more expensive.

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#18 of 21 Old 11-14-2011, 10:37 AM
 
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Daddy Spike welcome to MDC.

 

I do ask that you familiarize yourself with our User Agreement and Terms of Service. We don't host discussions on the merits of physical punishment.

 

 

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We are not interested, however, in hosting discussions that advocate crying it out, harsh sleep training, physical punishment, formula feeding, elective cesarean section, routine infant medical circumcision, or mandatory vaccinations as a parenting philosophy.

 

Aside from that, I do not see this topic as something that pertains to Stay at Home Parenting so I am going to move it over to Parenting.

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#19 of 21 Old 11-15-2011, 09:02 AM
 
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OP, I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that your mom and sister would be critical no matter what parenting choices you make. I get the feeling that you just can't win with them. They're passive aggressive, blaming, and defensive, and I'm sure that's been going on for far longer than you've been a mother. You need to develop strategies to help you deal with them in general, not just around parenting. You've gotten some great suggestions in this thread to help you.

And I have to say, regarding CDing, that disposable diapers haven't been around that long, so your mom probably wore them as a baby, herself. Also, some people in our lives thought using them was a little weird, too. There were times (like on vacation) we'd switch to disposable for a few days, and the diaper rashes were horrible! Back to cloth, and the rashes went away. Those people suddenly stopped thinking it was so weird, and got interested! We even had nurses at our ped's office come around and start seeing the benefit of them. So stick to your guns, brush off their comments as uninformed, and lead by example.

I'm just going to give one word of unsolicited advice, and that's to keep an open mind about when to introduce solids and not caught up on waiting until 12 mos. A year is very late for that and your baby will likely get really interested way before that. There's only so far ahead you can plan! wink1.gif
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#20 of 21 Old 11-15-2011, 09:24 AM
 
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Is your sister older or younger?  Married or single? 

 

My sister is 10 yrs younger than I am and up until 18 she worshipped the ground I walked on.  From then on out she knew how to raise my kids better than I did.  Everything I did was wrong.  My mom was the same.  I told them to get as much evidence as they could supporting their beliefs/opinions to me as soon as possible since they were so worried my kids were not going to make it!!!!!   So three weeks later... nothing... Had to call and remind them.  Suddenly being put on the spot didn't make them feel so smart anymore.  They may have even run across some info that made them change their minds.  They just didn't want to admit it.

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#21 of 21 Old 11-16-2011, 06:41 AM
 
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OP...I'm sorry you are going through this. Being a new mama can make you feel a bit touchy and sensitive to criticism...we've all been there. (((hugs))) I agree with everything AdalinesMama said, a thousand times over. Also, I think Spring Lily is dead on.

 

 

Look, you are this kids mama. You are making good choices for her and you need to let the bullcrap from your mom and sister go. It is nothing. Seriously, really consider it. With everything going on in the world, all the kids out there with no one to care about them, all ways in which your mother and sister could be enriching the world or making positive changes in their own lives...all they can find the time for is sitting around picking at the choices of an extremely hands on mama like you? Please. It's just immature. They are being a couple of negative nelly busybodies with nothing better to do than talk about you and what you have going on. Please don't sit and waste your time playing this game with them. There is way too much other stuff you could be doing...like sleeping, playing with your kid or remembering what an awesome mom and person you are. Oo, or eating chocolate. Mmm.

 

I say this as gently as I can.....you just need to let go of needing validation and niceties from them. Honestly, they are probably picking on you because you are choosing to do things differently than they did and because the things you are doing involve MORE from you as a mother then the choices they made/make, they are reacting to your choices as if you believe your choices to be better SPECIFICALLY than THEIR choices. It sucks that you can't get support from them....but it doesn't suck *that* bad. The easiest way to stop caring about their lack of support, is to stop needing their support. If you are not going to get it (and it looks like, for the time being, you are not) then you just need to let go of that. It would be really nice to have it...but you can't MAKE them support you....all you can do is either a) waste your time pining for it and feeling bad or, b) not. I would choose to not do that. There are so many places you can go to be around people who get what you are doing and are doing the same things....in those places you can trade notes, support each other through the hard parts, etc. and really feel good about being involved in a community of people who understand what you are trying to accomplish with your parenting.

 

Yours is a story as old as time. Hens clucking in your ear about this and that. Let it go. You have a healthy kid and the luxury of living in a world where you have time to seek out and practice different ways of raising your child according to your own wishes and values and best hope for her. That's a pretty awesome blessing. I'm not trying to be dismissive of the fact that their behavior is hurtful....I'm trying to remind you that you really can't change their behavior....but you have a whole WORLD of power to change your OWN. The way they behave isn't what makes you feel "bad" or "good" - the way you CHOOSE to see their words and react to them is what makes a lasting feeling inside of you.

 

If you want to feel good in your interactions with your mother and sister...that's going to have to be on you...because, apparently, they don't have the good sense to get over your different style and just be happy for another happy, well cared for baby in the family. It's time for you to shift your reactions and really, more importantly, your expectations...so that you can be around them, love them, and not feel hurt by their silliness.

 

The newness of motherhood wears off very quickly for most mamas and it feels much less cutting and personal when people pick on your choices. Until such time as that shift should occur within you, I would shift my expectations, see how petty and small they are being....and kindly invite people who are being truly offensive to shut their mouths and leave you alone until they feel like being productive, positive people in your life. Seriously....when someone is behaving like a careelss child with your feelings...treat them like one. With a perfectly straight face and a completely even tone, say "Shame on you, is that really how you treat someone who is obviously doing her best and who never has said a single negative word about YOUR parenting choices?" - and then just walk away and busy yourself. Don't get mad....just turn a mirror to their behavior. THere is nothing here to be mad about. They are wasting their time, living in a negative stew of smug self righteousness and refusing to see the beauty in your love for your child.

 

The way I see it...they are losing. You can choose to lose with them...or you can lift yourself above it and win all day with your beautiful kid and your perfect love. GL.


Me and DH ...lovin' DD dust.gif(6/08) and DS kid.gif(11/09) Plus NEW BABY!! DD baby.gif (UC-5/12) We heartbeat.gif Water Birth/Homebirth/No Vax or Circ/BF/BW/Country Livin'! chicken3.gif

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