Why does he get to take the easy way out? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 11-09-2011, 02:22 PM
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4,031
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)

Uh... walk around on eggshells much.  If you don't tell your spouse what is wrong and that you don't like what they are doing then you can sit and fester all you want.  We have a talking rule in our house that goes like this.  " I need to say something to you you might be defensive about or feel the need to deny"  We're allowed to do it to each other and use it respectfully.  I've been told my control freakness is obnoxious.  I'm working on that.  He's been told allowing too much computer/screen time is horrible for them, so when it gets tough he turns on the music and apparently they dance which should be an interesting sight.  Or they go outside to play. 

 

You can dance around it all you want but if he would sleep if he couldn't watch tv... I don't know if thats a sign of depression or what but DH used to go to bed if I nagged at him about anything.  Anything at all.  That to me is a punishment.  "you wouldn't like that either"  Sorry I kinda want to reach through the monitor and throw a shoe at him now!

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by IzzyTheTerrible View Post

AM,

 

I understand where you're coming from and I agree with you on a lot of it, but I don't think it's fair to make her feel like her husband is abnormal when he's really not.  His behavior is increasingly common to the point of being considered normal, especially within my generation.  And I don't think that it has to mean there is something intensely wrong with him other than simply having a compulsion to watch to much TV, just like gaming. A very high number of late Generation X-ers and Generation Y-ers are especially struggling with this very thing and I can name on 1 hand the number of people in my life that AREN'T addiction to the television.

 

There is no shortage of websites, articles, and research studies dealing with the issue of this very addiction.  

 

As someone that has dealt with very and continues to deal with similar things, I think that a strong confrontation would likely serve to push him away more rather than bring them closer together.  Nobody likes being told they have a problem, especially if they don't think that they do.   As a matter of fact, I don't know many foreceful subjects that go over well with Men.

 

 



 

Imakcerka is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 11-09-2011, 02:26 PM
 
BroodyWoodsgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,301
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by IzzyTheTerrible View Post

AM,

 

I understand where you're coming from and I agree with you on a lot of it, but I don't think it's fair to make her feel like her husband is abnormal when he's really not.  His behavior is increasingly common to the point of being considered normal, especially within my generation.  And I don't think that it has to mean there is something intensely wrong with him other than simply having a compulsion to watch to much TV, just like gaming. A very high number of late Generation X-ers and Generation Y-ers are especially struggling with this very thing and I can name on 1 hand the number of people in my life that AREN'T addiction to the television.

 

There is no shortage of websites, articles, and research studies dealing with the issue of this very addiction.  

 

As someone that has dealt with very and continues to deal with similar things, I think that a strong confrontation would likely serve to push him away more rather than bring them closer together.  Nobody likes being told they have a problem, especially if they don't think that they do.   As a matter of fact, I don't know many foreceful subjects that go over well with Men.

 

 


I agree with you completely about strong confontation not being the key and I apologize if it seemed like I was saying she should shake the house down with a massive confrontation.

 

I don't agree that he has a TV addiction, exactly. I think he's depressed and completely withdrawing from his life. I think she could throw the TV out the window and the exact same problems which exist now would continue. I, too, know people with TV addiction and I know how common it is these days....but I think the commonality of TV addiction is one of the reasons why this man is being treated as a TV addict when really, if you examine the facts, he seems to be depressed.

 

I think it is a super huge issue and I think she does need to treat it as such. This extreme withdrawal will kill her marriage if he doesn't get help. Being depressed doesn't mean there is something "abnormal" with her husband, at least with connotation of weirdness or shamefulness that the word "abnormal" implies....but as a person who has had serious and ongoing personal experience with depression in my own life and in the lives of people very close to me, I'm struck by a number of things that she has said about her husband and I think he is depressed. She has so much as said that he struggles with feelings of unhappiness despite understanding that he has a good life and that his feelings of sadness don't necessarily match up to the experience he is having in this life.

 

I didn't mean to suggest that she should yell at him...by saying "HOLD THE PHONE" etc...I meant that she should totally put on hold the ongoing struggle about how much TV is on in the house and turn the focus to gentle, but persistent, conversation about the source of the issues they are dealing with. Untreated/undiagnosed depression kills SO many marriages....it is so hard to be interested in and participate in a marriage or child rearing when you don't even care about yourself...when you are so apathetic and feel so bored, sad and uneffective in your own life that all you want to do is hide and sleep and pretend your life away.

 

Maybe my brain is just different.....but I see watching too much TV as a pretty American condition these days....however, a nine month old baby sitting on the floor eating a frosty with a day-old shitty diaper on is not normal. A young child watching the same movie for six hours doesn't speak of a dad who just loves TV....it speaks of a dad who doesn't give a crap...and a dad who doesn't give a crap generally boils down to someone dealing with something sociopathic-ish or depression-ish. She is not describing a sociopath. She is describing a depressed guy.

 

Anyway....none of us is a doctor treating this man.,..hell, none of us is even close enough to the situation to see the whole picture. But I am making the educated guess, that if this man got to the bottom of why he is depressed and hiding from his life...the TV thing, withdrawing, being a lousy partner and dad, etc....would all sort of disappear. He may still be a dude who likes TV....but the smell of poop might move him to change his daughter...and his son watching cars three times in a row would be laughable.


Me and DH ...lovin' DD dust.gif(6/08) and DS kid.gif(11/09) Plus NEW BABY!! DD baby.gif (UC-5/12) We heartbeat.gif Water Birth/Homebirth/No Vax or Circ/BF/BW/Country Livin'! chicken3.gif

BroodyWoodsgal is offline  
Old 11-20-2011, 08:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
allisonrose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: NoVa
Posts: 1,996
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 5 Post(s)

A tiny update: Hubby and I had a big conversation about parenting and about our lives together. I brought up his unhappiness. He told me that he doesn't know why he's not happy. I mentioned counselling but he maintains that he cannot go or be on any kind of psych meds due to having a government clearance. (It just occured to me that I should look into St John's Wort for him and maybe try him on that but I will have to remind him to take it.)

 

We also talked  talked to him about a goal for our son and TV. I didn't use the word "limit" because I think it would cause him to shut down. So I said we should set a goal. He was somewhat open to that. But we again ran into the "my parents let me watch tons of TV and I'm okay" defense. I tried saying that doing things differently from our parents is not disrespecting them. There are things I do that are quite different from what my mom did (she weaned around 6-8 months and never considered cosleeping to even be an option) but I respect her as my mom. My husband feels like I have made most of the parenting decisions so he has no control in our household yet he doesn't try to be an active parent. Discipline is the biggest issue and he says the only thing he knows is spanking but admits that it would not be the best idea with our son (I'm anti-spanking overall and he is now coming around to it wouldn't be the best approach due to our ds1's willful personality). I said okay then you have no tools for discipline, how are you going to get more tools? He just said that he doesn't know. He refuses to read parenting books. He gets annoyed at me for coming to MDC for ideas (because they tend to be different from what he is used to).

 

Our cultural difference is once again coming up in that he was raised in a very traditional, patriarchal, child-are-to-be-seen-and-not-heard household. His mom spanked him for everything from his room not being clean, to a poor grade, to he stepped in some mud with his good shoes on. He doesn't see a problem with that. He thinks he turned out well because of it. He says his mom raised him that way because that was the way she was raised. My mom was raised with a lot of physical punishment and chose not to continue that cycle. I want him to break the cycle for our kids.

 

Sigh. Maybe it is time to give couples' counselling another try....


Mama to Blake, 5, and Grant, 3
ribbonpb.gif
allisonrose is offline  
Old 11-20-2011, 11:53 AM
 
BroodyWoodsgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,301
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

RE: "my parents raised me that way and I turned out okay"  Um, but he didn't! He's sad and angry and he doesn't know why and his communication skills are terrible. I'm not saying it's because his parents spanked him and used the TV as a babysitter....but we also cant say that spankings for everything (even things that weren't his fault, awesome) and growing up in front of the TV makes anyone a good communicator or teaches life and coping skills that help you stay happy and connected to your family.

 

I think couples counseling may be a really good choice...it would provide a place for you to air your feelings about all of this and get some feedback from someone who may be able to frame it better or have a better chance at getting through to him for the simple fact that s/he is outside the "you guys" circle...

 

There is nothing like being depressed to make you feel content "vegging" in front of the TV instead of being hands on with your kids. I maintain that talking to him about doing more with the kids is going to be a more effective conversation when he doesn't feel like complete sludge after work and on weekends. Depression frames your whole life and everything in it...it reaches into EVERYthing and makes it hard to see the need for changes. Even when "just" mildly depressed or just kind of unhappy in general, getting stuck in a rut and being unable to see that you're there and that you need to get out of it is SO super easy.

 

I think if his unhappiness changes...he will be more able to see that this lifestyle, sitting and watching TV, is not really healthy for his kids.

 

 

The other super crucial thing for him to understand, is that TV now, is NOOOOOOOTHING like TV when he was a kid. From the programming, to the advertisements and all the way to the physical effects of sitting in front of the screen from a waves/frequencies/ technology standpoint is COMPLETELY different and worse for bodies and minds.

 

I'm happy you guys are at least talking about it. Even if you're talking about it and not seeing eye to eye....it's better than not seeing eye to eye and not talking about it. You'll get there, mama...it really sounds like he is an internal shift or two away from being open to changing this with you. <3 <3


Me and DH ...lovin' DD dust.gif(6/08) and DS kid.gif(11/09) Plus NEW BABY!! DD baby.gif (UC-5/12) We heartbeat.gif Water Birth/Homebirth/No Vax or Circ/BF/BW/Country Livin'! chicken3.gif

BroodyWoodsgal is offline  
Old 11-23-2011, 10:26 PM
 
peaceful_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: #12 Grimmauld Place
Posts: 4,940
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)

Honestly, my life got a lot more peaceful when I realized I can control one person--ME!  I can control what *I* buy at the store.  I can control what *I* put on the TV and how long/often.  I can control what *I* choose to prepare, food wise, on any given day.

 

I can't control what anyone else, including DH, does for them.  And nagging about it only leads to me feeling like nobody ever listens to what I want and me not appreciating the help I am receiving from the rest of the family, even if the way they choose to do things does not live up to my 'ideals.'  In the end, the occasional hotdog meal or evening with lots of TV is not going to kill them, y/k?  And being too restrictive on that kind of stuff does 2 things in my mind--one, it causes "forbidden fruit syndrome." and 2, it makes me the 'heavy' the nagger, the complainer and ruins my relationship with them.  No fun at all.

 

Honestly it's more important to me that I get out and go to my moms group than whatever DH allows for HIS children who he LOVES while I am out.  it goes peacefully when I let go and appreciate that I am getting that time away, truly away not obsessing or worrying.


lovin DH since 1/04, best mom for my 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), one 13 wk (10/13) and 5/15 just your average multigenerational living family!!
peaceful_mama is offline  
Old 11-24-2011, 06:45 AM
 
purslaine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 6,771
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I have not read all the replies...but.....

 

I would leave it alone.  He is alone with the kids once a week?  It is not a big deal for most kids if they watch a lot of tv once a week.

 

I do think it is is possible he might not any ideas of what to do with the kids - so making a few suggestions might help - but other than making the suggestions, leave him to figure out how to run his day (even if it involves a lot of tv).  

 

I would have a discussion with him on diapers though - and maybe the Wendy's Frosty.  If the baby tries ice cream again and has another explosive diaper it is probably a sign he is not ready for that type of food.

 

 

purslaine is offline  
Old 11-24-2011, 08:03 AM
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 4,031
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)

He's right about the clearance issue.  As soon as DH got help his clearance was in question.  It's more important that he's healthy though.  He could try CBT counseling.  That does help.

Imakcerka is offline  
Old 11-24-2011, 08:22 AM
 
BroodyWoodsgal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 2,301
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)


Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

He's right about the clearance issue.  As soon as DH got help his clearance was in question.  It's more important that he's healthy though.  He could try CBT counseling.  That does help.



CBT and DBT are amazing. After yeaaaaars of talk therapy and feeling like crap, I went to DBT and I've never looked back. I'm my true self, with the coping skills I was always meant to have. I went from bad depression to no depression...I just don't have problems coping anymore (it's been six or seven years now...maybe eight?).


Me and DH ...lovin' DD dust.gif(6/08) and DS kid.gif(11/09) Plus NEW BABY!! DD baby.gif (UC-5/12) We heartbeat.gif Water Birth/Homebirth/No Vax or Circ/BF/BW/Country Livin'! chicken3.gif

BroodyWoodsgal is offline  
Old 11-24-2011, 11:44 AM
 
brneyedmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 90
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Phew! Mama, I just read all of the replies along with your responses and I completely understand what you're going through!  Dh was also raised in a completely different culture with the "children should be seen and not heard" mentality which has created many problems for us as a married couple planning on being parents.  However, I have to admit, I plowed ahead with changing this mentality long before kids ever came into the picture, and the first thing was the T.V. which was certainly an addiction for him as well.  When you have an addiction, whether it's drugs, alcohol, or television, no matter of limiting or creative tokens are going to solve the problem -because he doesn't see the problem!  He's obviously never done any self work (as most men haven't) he's learned plenty of negative coping mechanisms from his parents that has never had an opportunity to be pointed out until now, so of course he thinks that he turned out fine!  It's SO important for your kids that you two are on the same page, and I agree that this is a much deeper issue that the two of you need to look at in your marriage.  I'm sure that in the end, you both want to be cooperative co-parents that both enjoy and take pride in your children -man, he doesn't even know what he's missing!!!  How can he know he's missing the opportunity to play catch with his son in the back yard or build an indoor fort out of tables and blankets, if his dad never did it with him?!  My husband and I have been in couples counseling for over two yrs now, and it has CHANGED OUR LIVES.  WE no longer have television, we spend very similar 1 on 1 hrs with our children as well as with each other, and raising happy well adjusted kids is now a joint effort.  And I took him there kicking and screaming, he did NOT want to go, but I simply didn't give him a choice.  I pretty much said, we're both unhappy, we need help and there's nothing to lose.  I think we started out with a 3 month commitment, and by then we were seeing results, so it was easy to keep going. I shopped around for a while though, speaking with many on the phone and deciding which one to see before even mentioning it.  I made the appointment and just said, I'll see you there.  Good Luck!!!!!!

brneyedmama is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off