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#1 of 7 Old 11-15-2011, 07:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Over the weekend my daughter (7 years old) asked me to "kiss her nuts" and made a gesture with her hips. It took me by surprise, so I gently asked her where she heard about "kiss her nuts". She told me that the neighbor boy, who is about the same age, asked her to kiss his nuts. We talked a little bit about our bodies and how they belong to ourselves and whatnot... thanked her for letting me know. Then she told that he was making back and forth motions (read: mimicing masturbation) with a football. Ugh... and then this evening our neighbor let me know that she overheard the boy (a few days earlier) asking my daughter to pee or poop in front of him.

 

So, I plan on talking with this boys mom. I don't know her well, so I"m not sure how she'll react... I'm not sure if I even care. BUT I have no idea what to say to her without letting my emotions get in the way. I am a survivor of sexual abuse, so my feelings on this may be different from what others may feel. Aside from telling her what happened, what do I say without going "mama bear" on her and making her feel like a bad mother?

 

 

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#2 of 7 Old 11-15-2011, 08:17 PM
 
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I wouldn't allow any unsupervised time with the boy -- at all.

 

Depending on the mother's reaction, I would call CPS because the boy may be being sexually abused. As much as many people hate CPS, I really wish that someone had called them *for me* when I was a child putting up red flags all over the place. I sometime wonder if people ever suspected, and why in the world no one listed a finger to help me.  I spent years and years being sexually assaulted several times a week.

 

Your DD is fine, she is safe, she is with you. That little may not be safe. Rather than going in with both guns loaded, I'd go in with the hotline number for the mother to call to get her child into see someone.

 

There are other possible explanations for his behavior, such as watching inappropriate TV. None the less, my second concern (after making sure my own child was safe) would be making sure that the boy is safe as well.


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#3 of 7 Old 11-16-2011, 06:02 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I wouldn't allow any unsupervised time with the boy -- at all.

 

Depending on the mother's reaction, I would call CPS because the boy may be being sexually abused. As much as many people hate CPS, I really wish that someone had called them *for me* when I was a child putting up red flags all over the place. I sometime wonder if people ever suspected, and why in the world no one listed a finger to help me.  I spent years and years being sexually assaulted several times a week.

 

Your DD is fine, she is safe, she is with you. That little may not be safe. Rather than going in with both guns loaded, I'd go in with the hotline number for the mother to call to get her child into see someone.

 

There are other possible explanations for his behavior, such as watching inappropriate TV. None the less, my second concern (after making sure my own child was safe) would be making sure that the boy is safe as well.


I agree with a lot of what Linda has said. ^

 

 

Mama, you don't need to go in with guns blazing.....guns blazing is for saving our kids from harm, your kid is safe, you've got her. "Guns Blazing" doesn't make inroads with people we don't know well, it shuts people down and makes them defensive and you really need to reach this kids mother in a way she can hear and process.

 

I'm extremely sorry that this has happened. As a fellow survivor, I too am hyper sensitive to this sort of thing. It's really hard sometimes and I want to strongly congratulate you for holding it together and handling things with DD in a way that made it safe for her to tell you what happened and not feel like you were blowing up or angry or whatever. I have such a hair trigger when it comes to my kids being exposed to that sort of thing...I'm trying to imagine myself handling that situation as "cool" as you did...but it's seeming like a real fantasy. shy.gif Not so realistic for me!

 

I would get with this kids mom and just be like "look, I'm extremely concerned about some of the things your son has been saying to my DD and I'm not sure what to think." - then relay to her the events as they unfolded, tell her what the neighbor heard (try really hard not to make it seem like the whole neighborhood is "buzzing" about her son) and, I don't know, pay attention to her reaction?

 

 

I'm a huge huge CPS skeptic. That's the only way I can describe my feelings. They did NOTHING for me as a kid when I needed them and I've seen them ruin the lives of good people. I absolutely HATE the idea of calling CPS.

 

The only reason that gives me pause and makes me think twice....is, what if you are one of twenty people who have had an experience with this kid that made you say "hhhmmmm"?  If all twenty of you...a teacher, his aunt, the mailman, etc....were sitting around talking and were like "Yeah, he said xyz to me" and then someone else added "yeah, I saw him say xyzto a little girl" etc etc  - the twenty of you could probably piece together a pretty convincing picture of something going on at home. But if it's JUST you...and then the mailman sees something and disregards it, etc...well, it doesn't make a complete picture, it's all fragmented and everyone can move on and forget about it.  I'm like Linda in that I wonder to myself, when I was a kid....how many people realized or had an indication that there was something wrong at home? How many people stopped and thought "well, that was weird for a kid her age....I wonder.....nah" - or whatever. (even though CPS did get involved -eventually- and did jackshit for me). Maybe this is an isolated incident, maybe the kid just watches too much adult TV. Or maybe you are one of twenty, thirty or more people who have suspected something...maybe you will be the one person who pushes the envelope and changes this kids life? I don't know.

 

All you can do is advocate for your kid, touch base with this mother and based on how you feel about her reaction, judge how confident you are that this woman is concerned. If you end up wanting to call CPS, that has got to be your call....none of us is there, none of us saw what this boy did and can judge if it's just gross little boy, playground, weird stuff...or if there is something more. Even you can't really know if there is something more...but at least you are there to get a better idea of what the situation is. Don't let your own past and emotional response get in the way of making that judgement call, because involving CPS in the lives of people who are actually good parents can either do a little to inconvenience them...or can blow their whole world up....it's not a decision to be taken lightly, but you've got to do what you can live with, you've got to be able to sleep at night, you know? If you really think something is wrong, you have to say something. :(

 

GL mama. You are doing a really wonderful job thus far, in handling this situation.

 

 

 


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#4 of 7 Old 11-21-2011, 02:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies! I talked to the boys mom and while she was upset about what was said she was thankful that I came and talked to her. She talked to her son about what was said and how it was innappropriate.... turns out their was a third party involved and his mom had to speak to another mom in our neighborhood. That child is no longer allowed at their house. I'm glad I was able to speak with her and that she was receptive and ready to take action.

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#5 of 7 Old 11-21-2011, 03:04 PM
 
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That's really super. I'm that your talk with the other mom went well, and I'm glad that the outcome is that the little boy is now safer than he was.

 

Thank you for updating the thread.

 

How is your DD? Does she seem upset by anything that happened?


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#6 of 7 Old 11-21-2011, 03:05 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by madis81 View Post

Thanks ladies! I talked to the boys mom and while she was upset about what was said she was thankful that I came and talked to her. She talked to her son about what was said and how it was innappropriate.... turns out their was a third party involved and his mom had to speak to another mom in our neighborhood. That child is no longer allowed at their house. I'm glad I was able to speak with her and that she was receptive and ready to take action.



Dudette, that's awesome! I feel like you can totally feel good about that reaction! If she was on top of the situation enough to get to the bottom of the third (previously unknown) person involved and speak to THAT kids mother about it...well, I feel like she is actually parenting this kid and looking out for who is around him....that gives me good feelings. 

 

Do you feel you can put this to bed? This is a great update.


Me and DH ...lovin' DD dust.gif(6/08) and DS kid.gif(11/09) Plus NEW BABY!! DD baby.gif (UC-5/12) We heartbeat.gif Water Birth/Homebirth/No Vax or Circ/BF/BW/Country Livin'! chicken3.gif

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#7 of 7 Old 11-21-2011, 05:33 PM
 
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Oh, I'm so happy that the update came so fast and it was good.  These threads keep me awake at night.

 

I do have a question...who's this other boy?  And is anyone looking out for him?

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