And I'm a little baffled why you're keeping a financial tally. You went into this marriage with your eyes wide open: you signed a pre-nup, you moved into his existing house, you had separate bank accounts and kept finances that way. It's not like he's leaving you to cover all your joint bills alone so he can fund his kids' lives... He's managing his share of your agreed-upon split expenses, and using his discretionary income however he sees fit. I might have more sympathy if this had come as a surprise, but again: this is how you two agreed to make it from the beginning, why are you suddenly expecting him to "take care of you" to prove he loves you?
I think you need to check the giant chip on your shoulder and stop thinking about it like it's a competition. Stop running from your husband, stop sulking when things don't go the way you want them and express your needs clearly and calmly. Why don't you suggest a scheduled "date night," one night each week that will be just the two of you. No kids, no work, no cell phones. Make it clear to the kids that Wednesday nights are now date night and they're welcome to come by any other night but that. Make sure your husband is on board and will enforce your alone time.
Otherwise, I agree with pretty much everything broodywoodsgal has said. Start with yourself, and the rest will fall into place.
Just a grad student hopelessly in love with her amazing DH and wee baby Eli (12/06/11).
1394/2012 in 2012
I can imagine, that part of the reason your DHs kids are so miserable for you to be around, is because they dislike you....because you dislike them so much. Which started first, I couldn't say....but the fact that you married someone who has a lifestyle that you find so completely uncomfortable, makes me imagine that a lot of this dysfunction belongs to you. It's probably a pretty big bummer to have a step mother who hates you no matter what you do...you know? Any healthy person is going to stop trying, past a certain point, to make someone who is going to be unhappy no matter what, happy and comfortable. I know it feels like you have good reason to feel such contempt for them....but honey, I'll say it again: were I you, I wouldn't feel comfortable with near ANY assessments that you've made of this relationship or the people involved. I'm sorry, I'm not saying "doubt yourself" - but I would certainly be taking second looks at things and reserving my judgement until I was involved in some type of meaningful therapy work with someone qualified. I know you can't see what I'm talking about...I'm asking you to trust me, as someone who has absolutely nothing to gain by telling you all of this. Your perception is so skewed, I think, that you should really remain open to making new assessments after you've done some work to figure out where your head is and why.
You really didn't even need to spell any of this out in your first post, before you started throwing up red flags...look at the title to your thread:
"Step children are ruining my life"
Read that over and over again. Who says something like that? Someone in control of her life, with clear boundaries and expectations...with a good marriage and strong communication skills with her partner?? Probably not. Someone who feels empowered in her life and recognizes that only she can make or break her experience on this earth?? No. That's definitely not someone who makes a statement like that.
"Step children are ruining my life" - your step children require your complete cooperation, to achieve that level of power in your life.
Read it again: Your step children require your complete cooperation, to achieve this level of power in your life.
There is only so much power that CAN be had, over your life. In order for them to posses MORE of it than you, you must GIVE it to them. You empower forces, situations and people outside of yourself FAR too much. Please go see someone, who can help you to understand why you do this and can arm you with the tools you need to take this power back and start using it to control your life and steer it in healthier directions. This change in your life, "taking back your power" - will not be aggressive, it will not entail yelling or force or anything "fierce" like that. It will happen almost instantly, upon your realization of the fact that you really do do this and your understanding of the underlying reasons why you do it. This change will be calm, it will feel relaxed and peaceful. Every relationship in your life will change for the better, when you become empowered in your own life.
Seriously. I say this as someone who used to have the exact same problem. Many, many people have this problem....you NEED to fix this mode of being. You **will not** be happy in this relationship or any other (or alone, for that matter) until you get this figured out and start living for YOU and understanding yourself better.
I'm seriously serious...you REALLY need to go do some work with someone. THe work I did changed my life forever. I do not give my power away any more. Ever. I'm extremely powerful in my own life, I'm honest with myself and I understand myself and my relationships with intense clarity. Please, find someone who is trained for therapy...but who does more "life coaching therapy" than "talk" therapy. Someone who is more goal oriented....someone who will help you to see your patterns and bust through them.
Me and DH ...lovin' DD (6/08) and DS (11/09) Plus NEW BABY!! DD (UC-5/12) We Water Birth/Homebirth/No Vax or Circ/BF/BW/Country Livin'!
I really don't think I have a chip on my shoulder. Im going to back up to the begining. I was married to an abusive man both verbally and physically. To me and my three children. I felt like I had no way out, no money or place to go. Finally I got out browed money from my parents, and left. My life was happy just me and my kids. I met my husband (now husband) about one year after my divorce. I didn't want a relashionship, but it happen. I saw what a wonderful daddy he was, and thought this is a wonderful man. Being my kids father was absent from their lives, I thought how wondeful if he could love my kids. He treated my kids very well in the begining. I totally understand he would never love them like his own, but just to have a possitive role model in their lives. After dating a year and half my husband proposed to me. He mentioned me signing a pre-nup.Mentioned maybe once or twice in our almost 2 years relasionship. We then stayed engaged for 6 months before getting married. 2 days before we flew to our wedding destanation, he bought me to his attorney's office (apologizing the entire way) to sign a pre-nup. I was hurt not for the fact I wasn't going to get and thing. But like WOW I felt our marriage was doomed then. I was hurt but I sign. My husband has a very good business. I would never expect any of it or nor would I want it so I signed. After getting back from our honeymoon me and my kids moved in. Then the fun began, his daughter at the time 16 was totally out of control. (drugs, stealing, in trouble with the law many of times). I stood by my husband and tried to help her in a possitive way. I never fussed at her just tried to be her friend. (not her mother) Would invite her every where I went she never wanted to come. But I thought poor baby she's going through alot with a new family moving in her space. I had a little dead end job, and being paid 0 in child support. But managed to pay for me and my kids cell phones, and car insurance. My two older children (in high school at the time) were great kids invovled in sports, good grades just really good kids. While his daugther same age as mine was totally out of control. When she would come home all drugged up I would take care of her, while my husband completly egnored that fact. Well I hit hard times and could afford my kids phone bills. Sure they don't need them but it was a piece of mind for me to beable to talk to them. I was tolded by my husband he would pay for mine, but my kids would have to work around the house, and do chores for theirs. Well before that happen I landed a really great paying job, but I would have to work out of town. I did it for two years, only coming home on the weekend. In the begining, my kids stayed with my husband. After a very short time I was getting phone calls from my kids, how mean my husband was being to them. Nit picking. Which his daughter had no chores to do, and got a brand new car (doing her drug addition). By daughter moved out with friends busting her butt working. The boys stayed. Then one day my husband call and tell me the boys didn't do the dishes, so I left them a note that they need to go live with their daddy. My kids never talk to their Daddy. After that we got in a huge fight, and my kids started staying at my sister.house All in all my youngest son suffered from this. At the age of 16 he was pretty much living from house to house. So I could work to provide for me and my kids. My daughter then in colledge, my older grad. from high school, they all needed money. He moved his daughter in her own home, and is still in colledge today. She has straighten up ALOT. God bless her. I feel if I had the chance to stay home to raise my son none this would of had to him. So this is pretty much my struggle. It's been 5 years, and I guess the anger is just building up for me now. My son has completly been kicked out of school, and will have to take his GED. I never thought I would go through this with my son he was always so loving. I just wished my husband would of given me the chance to stay home and finish raising him. I could of, but would of not had anything. Couldn't stand the fact that my kids would of had nothing, (what kids have today) I thought my husband would of treated my kids equal with his, I really didn't expect that much for them. (not as much as what he gave his) but just helped them out. Until I could pick up the bills again. ANd look he would of, but knowing my husband he would of stayed on their butts 24/7 for it. I didn't want to put myself or my kids through it. After all what his daughter put us all through, if my kids eyes would blink a certain way he was their to fuss at them. Never his own. Now for the most part we dont' have that struggle with her, but I hold a lot of resentment (for husband) because of this. Beinging a Great Daddy made me fall in love with thim, in hopes he would take the place of my kids daddy. That sure didn't work. Not even finacially but just as a father fiqure.
Time to borrow money from your parents again and leave.You tried. The prenup would have been the trigger for me to move on. You still gave it a chance.Better to admit it is not working out and leave.You and the kids will be happier alone.Staying would be worse that leaving.
I'm totally agree. It's time to part the waters and start a new. I'm currently experiencing a similiar situation with my husband and step daughter so I feel your pain. My husband started off as a good father and over time has proven to be far from that. If you've given it all you've got, now it's time to enjoy the latter parts of your life. Maybe your husband will see where he has failed you and the relationship can be savored. I tell myself this daily "what's life without laughter" and "what's family without love". Good luck to you.
Well I posted that post sometime back, but not much has really changed. I'm still with him fighting o the same fight. It's really hard when you truly love each other. I've learn to deal with it a little better, I guess. I was glad to see that I'm not crazy, that there is other women out there that feel the same way. My advice would have to be, (Think this is what helped me). I pretty much would leave or had an excuse every time one of his kids would come to visit. I started (making myself) stay and visit with them, and you know it wasn't so bad. But there was moments about what DADDY needs to do for them, and how wonderful there Mom is. That was hard but I'm still here with him. Moved back in with him about 4 months ago. We still argue about the same shit, nothing will change until I do something about it Im just going to suck it up, and tell myself They Are His Children.