That's at the heart of it. We know we want to have and will have another child. I just don't know how much we can give to them right now, or how much it would take away from DD. Maybe it's guilt, maybe toting her all around the world and only now settling down a little makes both of us feel that we need to focus on her and not disrupt her any more.
put me also in the camp of over thinking it. the point is no one can answer your questions. not even your dd.
you and dh have to look deep within yourselves and decide what both of YOU want. how you feel - without taking in the pressures from family all around.
my mom has 4 siblings. one just a year and a half younger and the youngest 9 years younger. she would shout and say NO siblings when she her mom was pregnant with her brother - but they are thick as thieves. all very close with each other. the key there - imho - a VERY close knit family. mom and dad VERY much in love with each other and happy parents to their kids.
in contrast my dad's family - 6 kids all closely spaced. messed up family life. gpa a philanderer. gma quiet women who stayed put and put up not a fight against her v. autocratic dh. none of the kids are close.
i unfortunately landed with just one dd. she wanted more siblings, i wanted more children but alas becoming a single mom did not help.
the point is if you and your dh really want a child - how your child feels should not factor in because you can help your child deal with another baby.
dd is 9. she sees her friends deal with so many issues over younger siblings. jealousy, time and so much more. and yet dd herself has noted inspite of all of that 'bad' stuff, the younger siblings have no better defender than their older sibling. as dd has noted - her friends cant bear to live with their siblings at times, at other times, they cant bear to be apart.
remember fighting, arguing is a part of life. its life learning skills. you even see young animals do that. to prepare for adulthood. to figure out how to be. my bro and i fought like crazy when young. but at the same time we wouldnt eat even when we were hungry until the other sibling joined at the table.
you asked. You just didn't like the answer. That's not because I or any one else here has been passive aggressive.
I think you really, deeply do not want another child at this time, and you are looking for validation of that. That's fine. It's fine to not want another child right now. Really. You may not ever want another child, or you might some day. And that's all ok.
You are more likely to get validation when you need it if you clearly request it, rather than asking a question that has lots and lots of right answers.
If you WANTED another child, your DD could adjust. But just because she could, it doesn't mean that you have to have a child that you do not want. Because I don't think you sound like you want another child at this time, which is why you are annoyed at stories of siblings who get along.
And it's OK to not have more kids right now. Really.
but everything has pros and cons
Eeah. Totally blew my post way out of proportion and you're making rash judgements. It's not the "end of the world," as you so dramatically put it, but it is a concern to me, that she will have to divide our time, resources, attention, and that she's old enough to remember how her life was before we pumped out another unit. I don't know why it's so hard to understand concern over a total upheaval in your child's life. Actually, from what you say, I wonder why you don't seem to be concerned at all, since you've already had one child choose to leave your home and who seems to not be entirely thrilled with his pack of younger siblings.
She's the here and now and that's more important than some hypothetical future child. When/if we have another, putting her needs above the real and present second child, won't be an option any more.
I would never want to have a second child right away just in order to not have DD be the center of life and "give her a sibling". That's... I'm not even going to go there. Statistically, only children do as well or better than their peers, so I'm not worried about her not having to share her parents for her younger years if that is indeed what we choose to do.
I agree the comment to queenjane was a cheap shot and uncalled for. I think Linda on the move and queenjane have given you some great insight.
I find it interesting that *I* supposedly blew your post way out of proportion but you have now at least twice called *adding a child to your family* "pumping out another unit...thats horrible. Pumping out another unit?!
Look, if you dont want to share your mothering time with another child *dont have one*...you are responding as if you have proclaimed you only want one child but others are insisting you have more. But YOU have said you wanted lots of kids but you're so very worried about the effect on your current child. People here who actually HAVE MORE THAN ONE CHILD are saying that it will be fine. That you shouldnt worry so much, and that having another child is likely to not harm your daughter, devastate her, or leave her with lasting scars of remembering how "another unit came and everything changed"...you seem to be framing this in such a negative way, and frankly i dont understand why. Even above you said "putting her needs above the real and present second child wont be an option any more"...when you have more than one child, yes of course sometimes you must tend to one and the other must wait. Its not like "oh god do i stem the blood flow on this missing foot, or apply pressure to that one's gun shot wound?!? what do i do???" no its...honey im changing a diaper, i'll look at your picture in a minute. Or I'm reading with sissy right now, but i promise to play superheroes with you just as soon as im done. Sometimes it sucks...i remember the very day my third son came home, and both were screaming with the shock of an instant sib and i sat there with a boy on each knee and felt like crying myself. (I had specifically requested a newborn, not a one year old, and the "one year old" i was supposed to be picking up turned out to be nearly 17 months old and just my son's age.) But within a day they were fast friends and are each others best friends. The boys ask me quite regularly to adopt a baby, my daughter isnt that thrilled with the idea but im sure would adjust.
you know...its possible, even likely, that your daughter will be thrilled with a sibling.
The comment about my son leaving home was a really low blow, im actually shocked you felt totally ok posting that. There are many factors going into my son choosing to live with his father (initially it was to attend a performing arts school in that city)...but frankly it doesnt help your argument any. It was actually kinda tough to have such a large age gap, for him to be a teen and have little sibs...i think it would have been MUCH better for him to have added sibs when he was six and not a teen, as he eventually got used to being the "only child." Its not easy having everything change right in the middle of the onset of puberty, but if you think thats a fantastic idea, have at it!
I'll have to go back and reread the comments but you talk about the "negativity"...the most negative comments i've seen so far are coming from you. I dont get it. Maybe i'm reading a level of hostility to those of us who have chosen differently that isnt there or you didnt intend. But alot of words have been twisted (talking about choosing to have another child as picking a candy bar, pumping out another unit, equating not having your current child be the one to make a lifechanging decision as equal to completely disregarding your child's needs....none of this anyone said.
I'm one of eight children. As far as i know, not one of us is unhappy about the existence of the others. The closest age gap in the group is less than two years and the biggest is 23 years. We each have our own degrees of closeness with one another and age has little to do with it (my sisters are 8 years and 16 years older than me and we're pretty close, and i'm close to my brother who is 2.5 years older...but i have two brothers who are a year or two apart who havent spoken in over twenty years. You just never can tell.)
I guess i dont get the focus on how it would have been better to add a child before she knew any different, as if somehow her needs would have been better met being a year or two old and having to share, rather than being five or six and having to share. That doesnt make alot of sense to me. I think the reason why people tend to think "2.5-3 years" is the ideal spacing is that at that point the child is somewhat old enough to understand what is happening, is a bit more independant and is able to wait a minute to have her needs met. Then again, im not a big believer in making my child the absolute center of the universe (that is, i dont think its a bad thing if the child would have to share attention with a parent...heck you have TWO parents in the family, so at least it would be easier to give them individual time!) but i can see how others might think thats the way to go.
My last foray into this topic - not for the OP who clearly has made her decision, but for others reading it.
I would seriously question the premise that having children really close in age will guarantee that they will be close, or that having them 4+ years apart will guarantee that they won't, or that the older child will resent the younger. You just can't predict. Because of that, the decision needs to be made based on whether the parents think they can parent more than one child, not based on what the hypothetical relationship to the siblings will be. I'm pretty sure the research shows that the relationship with the parents is primary, and will affect the relationships with the siblings.
toot toot... I had to.
Snowflake would likely be fine with a sibling and likely be fine without one. It's really up to you and your DH to decide. Your DD really can't make an informed decision. My nephew was four when his baby brother was born. He was so against having a sibling because "babies mess things up." He had no idea that tiny babies are unlikely to come over and knock over his Legos. He was picturing the toddler siblings of his friends. He ADORED his baby brother from Day 1.
Pumping out another unit... I have no words.
Wait who said pumping out another unit?
Huh... I think I'm going to start using that one as calling my kids crotch fruit pisses off lots of people too. that is sarcasm. Ha... pumping out kids... like a factory! Kind of takes away the beauty of it all.
Wow, crotch fruit! Have not heard that one!!
I'm going to call DS "Unit 1" just once sometime, to bug my mom. She gets mad when I refer to children as "kids". "They are not baby goats."
N, wife to my goofball K and mamma to my EC grad D (July 2010) and my new little love S (May 2013). Exploring the uncharted territory of tandem nursing with my two boys.
lol... so maybe instead of calling mine 'thing 1' and 'thing 2' i should call them 'unit 1' and 'unit 2'