We need to come up with a visual board of expectations and say consequence, etc for appropriate and inappropriate behaviour for our kids. The oldest are 5.5 and 9.5.
The 9.5 year old is my stepson so that presents some other difficulties but the theme with his behaviour is really never understands how his behaviour or actions affect other people, the other children. He excuses and blames others for anything-not even important things. This is not a new age related issue. His mother we suspect has Borderline Personality Disorder. He has learned helplessness for sure-it's really a huge issue. The blow ups are often and huge, and very dramatic. He scares the younger children with his way of reacting to even small things if he is held accountable (say by his dad, he gets a privilege taken away,etc). He is highly highly competitve -with everyone. He also thinks he is on the same "level" as a parent and tries to parent often which we do attribute to living most of the time with his mother. He rarely is content unless he "gets something" which is also often with his mom, and complains and is rude a lot and really doesn't have a concept of "why" or "what" is wrong with it. I suspect there are some other issues going on and not just age issues because the 5.5 year old can understand it, tries to see why, etc.We are trying to create something more visual he can refer to for positive behaviours, or understanding negative ones.
The 5.5 year old is learning the "I'm telling on you" and definitely a new talking back that wasn't existent before. He does observe the 9.5 year old exhibit this all the time. He has gone from a very respectful child to one that is also a bit competitive with his older step-brother. It does stem from a lot of secret things from his older brother arguing constantly about "no you can't". The 5.5 year old will say anything like oh, I tried this or I can do this now and the response is very "No you can't" and the 5.5 year old is starting to defend himself saying "Yes!" and getting angry.
Respect is the big thing. A lot might be age appropriate for the almost 10 year old but...not really sure how to deal with it anymore. It keeps happening-he really doesn't understand .
Here are some of the minor things that are sooo constant it's hard to be around.
Nonverbal stuff-eye rolling, sighing, sulking , head down,
Verbally-complaining, blaming everyone and everything, really loud crying. Not really like crying but like where it scares our 22 month old and the 5 year old. This happens a lot when he doesn't get his way with something very simple-not used to boundaries at all.
Has a meltdown when having to do little things for himself like make a lunch, or pick up his things.
When written out a little bit it all seems so normal and appropriate but there is only a certain amount in real life that seems normal and regular...he's very manipulative, testing, and beginning to be quite sneaky. I can see the learned behaviours from his other home-the same "freak out" over something that doesn't go his way (like his mom, in public, sort of on the BPD/Schizophrenic-like side), need to be upfront and centre all the time-not just at home-at sports, or extracurricular stuff, with friends. Really has a hard-done by spoiled attitude-that sounds horrible but I am not sure how else to word it. He always has an excuse and not sure how to deal with it.
How can we create a simple board or go to that lists some of the positive behaviours or? What are some age-relevant consequences for inappropriate rude behaviour?
I can't help thinking that this is more of a step-parent issue than a parenting or general rules issue, and I wonder if you might get more help on the blended families board. The behavior that is bothering you all seems to be his, and you relate even behaviors in your 5.5-year-old to him. I think this issue is more about his place in your family than any specific behavior. I don't have any experience with step-kids, and I think you'll get more responses from people who do, so I'm going to suggest you ask for help here: http://www.mothering.com/community/f/333/blended-and-step-family-parenting