If you have now parented 10+ years...what are your thoughts? - Mothering Forums
Parenting > If you have now parented 10+ years...what are your thoughts?
Youngfrankenstein's Avatar Youngfrankenstein 06:11 AM 02-08-2012

My oldest now is 12.  I look at many of these new threads in parenting and see people struggling with their 3 year old, 7 year old, etc.  Looking back, I can see many of these ages for the maturity level they had and reflect that all the fuss was for nothing.

 

I am not suggesting that these issues aren't real.  I'm just saying that looking back, I would feel calmer and more at ease and less worried that I did then.

 

So, if you have a child(ren) who are over 10 and have a singleton or now have other, younger kids, how do you look at those ages and stages that seemed impossible?

 

 



Youngfrankenstein's Avatar Youngfrankenstein 06:15 AM 02-08-2012

To answer my own question for example,  I remember when my oldest was 5 or 6 and he would lie about a lot of stuff.  He told his Kindy teacher that he'd gone to Japan for the weekend.  He would lie about other things too and I was convinced I was a horrible mother because I had a "liar".  Well, looking back now I can see that while it was a behavior to be changed, it did and most of it was pretty natural from him.

 

Another thing I keep thinking as my youngest is now 2:  They simply are babies.  They may know all kinds of things and speak really well, but they are babies.  She now throws tantrums and gets angry and screams sometimes, but she isn't bad and I can't get mad at that.

 

That's not to say I don't get mad and frustrated, but I try to keep perspective that she doesn't know she's doing anything "wrong".

 

I don't want to ramble so I may add more later., but I really think this could help some of the parents with younger kids who feel like they are having trouble dealing with whatever age and stage they're in.


Peony's Avatar Peony 09:49 AM 02-08-2012

I'm not quite there yet, my oldest is 9 but very close! I had 4 kids as well so I am very much in the baby phase still. I have always been more of a relaxed mom. I started leading support groups for new moms when my oldest was 1-2 and I remember even thinking then that these people had way too much time of their hands to freak out about about what I considered minor details. I've learned more over the years and everyone just worries about different things, though some more then others. 

 

 

Time has really just solidified that most things are a phase. You just have to wait it out, it may take years, but often it passes. And years in the scope of things, is not that long. What ever the problem is right now, this one will pass and then there will be another one just around the corner. Don't get used to how it is right now because that changes and it will never be like that again. Enjoy it for what it is or just bide your time if it a problem. 

 

 

My 2 year old is just a big baby as well! I always try to tell moms that, they may walk and talk, but yes they are just big babies. You can't reason with a baby. Once you get an older kid and look back at the 2 year old, then you really understand it. When you have a 2 year and a baby it become harder to see that. 

 

 


onlyzombiecat's Avatar onlyzombiecat 10:25 AM 02-08-2012

My dd will be 12 years old next month.

I've come to realize that every age and child have their own parenting challenges.

Each age also has many positives that maybe I didn't realize or appreciate at the time.

 


journeymom's Avatar journeymom 12:49 PM 02-08-2012

My oldest is 17 y.o.   I consider new moms and dads with great sympathy and compassion. For the ones who consider splitting up when their children are still babies, I just want to tell them to please wait a year or two.  

 

I've been here long enough to notice an important phenomenon. There is this stage of new motherhood when mamas don't know yet that for their children they can, and should, firmly (calmly and politely) stand up to their elders that they normally defer to: parents and inlaws.  There's a lag time before mama figures out she doesn't have to pussy-foot around her own mom or her FIL or whomever, hoping they'll get the hint that it's not OK to bully her for her parenting choices.  It's really OK, in fact it's much more effective, to say firmly and cheerfully, 'this is why I do this, it's unfortunate that you don't agree, but I'm the mom here and that's what matters, this matter isn't up for discussion anymore.  Pass the bean dip, please.'  

 

 


Youngfrankenstein's Avatar Youngfrankenstein 02:01 PM 02-08-2012


Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

My oldest is 17 y.o.   I consider new moms and dads with great sympathy and compassion. For the ones who consider splitting up when their children are still babies, I just want to tell them to please wait a year or two.  

 

I've been here long enough to notice an important phenomenon. There is this stage of new motherhood when mamas don't know yet that for their children they can, and should, firmly (calmly and politely) stand up to their elders that they normally defer to: parents and inlaws.  There's a lag time before mama figures out she doesn't have to pussy-foot around her own mom or her FIL or whomever, hoping they'll get the hint that it's not OK to bully her for her parenting choices.  It's really OK, in fact it's much more effective, to say firmly and cheerfully, 'this is why I do this, it's unfortunate that you don't agree, but I'm the mom here and that's what matters, this matter isn't up for discussion anymore.  Pass the bean dip, please.'  

 

 


I hear you, journeymom, but I think I had the opposite problem.  I feel like I always thought like I knew better than my elders.  Having said that, they never suggested things that were wrong, i.e. CIO or something.  I certainly was right about very many things, but I still could have listened and added that to what I knew instead of ignoring it.

 


purslaine's Avatar purslaine 02:23 PM 02-08-2012


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom View Post

My oldest is 17 y.o.   I consider new moms and dads with great sympathy and compassion. For the ones who consider splitting up when their children are still babies, I just want to tell them to please wait a year or two.  

 

 

 

 


I would agree.  I actually thought of separating from my wonderful husband when my kids were very young.  I was so exhausted from the physical demands of parenting young children, constant cleaning, being touched out, sleep deprivation etc…that I wanted to separate from my husband so he would take the kids on weekend and I would get a break.

 

This phase ended, however, and making a permanent decision for a temporary state of being would have been a mistake.

 

I would also add that a happy mom is better than a perfect mom (whatever your ideal of perfect is).    Example:  If you want to be a complete SAHM, but the kids are driving you batty and you need to do something out of the house, a very part time job could be good for you (and thus good for the kids).  If your 3 year old is going strong in the nursing department however you feel done with nursing -  stop.  The child will get over it, you will be happier, and a better mother.

 

 

 

 

 


journeymom's Avatar journeymom 02:38 PM 02-08-2012


Quote:
Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein View Post


I hear you, journeymom, but I think I had the opposite problem.  I feel like I always thought like I knew better than my elders.  Having said that, they never suggested things that were wrong, i.e. CIO or something.  I certainly was right about very many things, but I still could have listened and added that to what I knew instead of ignoring it.

 


 

Yes, that's kind of the flip side of the same coin, and I was guilty of that as well.  I'm ashamed that I probably made my mom feel bad by being such a stay at home mom zealot.  Aside from a month off after I was born my mom worked my whole childhood, retired when I was maybe 22 y.o.  She made sacrifices to maintain her career, and not only did my parents' retirement fund benefit from it, but Mom had a job that she enjoyed and kept her brain working.  She had an identity outside of the home and I can definitely see the benefit of that now. 

 

I'm not sure if that's what you meant, but that's what came to mind. 

 


Youngfrankenstein's Avatar Youngfrankenstein 07:30 AM 02-09-2012

Yeah, that's basically what I mean.  For me I remember refusing over and over to give my first born some Tylenol when he had teething pain because I didn't want to medicate him because that was "bad" and she was nicely saying that it would be okay and help him feel better.  I was just being stubborn and I just gave my toddler Tylenol because she's suffering a lot with these new teeth.  I was never going to over-medicate anyway.


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