April 2012 Rockstar Mamas and Their Babies (better late than never) - Page 7 - Mothering Forums

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#181 of 244 Old 04-24-2012, 04:17 PM
 
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Blargh, had a huge post and my browser crashed! Let's try again.

 

All carseats are safe. Some have better "creature" features that make them easier to install, more comfortable to ride in, etc. But they are all safe. When I was looking for a seat for DD, I ruled out the Britax models because I wanted a convertible I could use from birth and historically, Britax models don't work from birth for most babies because their lowest harness setting is too high. So I got the Graco MyRide 65. I love it. It's comfy, easy to install and adjust and not too expensive. DD also uses the Cosco Scenera in DH's car. It isn't as comfortable and I wouldn't want her to have to ride in it for long periods.

 

Little ones in booster seats, either high back or backless...not a good idea. Kids should stay in a harnessed seat until they outgrow it and then move to a booster until they are ready for a seatbelt only. If a child fidgets while riding or falls asleep in the car, they should not be in a booster. The chance of them shifting and then not having the seatbelt on them properly is too great. I don't know any 2-4 yr old that doesn't fidget and shift in the car or fall asleep at least sometimes on trips. Usually around 5-7 years old, kids are mature enough to start using a booster.

 

We finally got DD's potty issues solved! Took prune juice to get things moving but she's relatively back to normal now. She even signed "eat" today! I think part of the problem was she ate a lot more processed food this weekend. She really enjoyed the Boca burger but that's one of those things where sometimes I think it would be better to just give her a hamburger made from quality ground beef rather than the over processed fake stuff, you know? Tough call.


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#182 of 244 Old 04-24-2012, 08:49 PM
 
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What about the Dr Praegers veggie burgers, Lauri? For us meat isn't an option, but if you wanted a patty that wasn't as processed, that's not a bad choice. Finn loves Boca burgers. We had then twice last week. I wonder if that's what backed him up, too??? Interesting!

I fed him regular prunes, and skipped all the puffs/Cheerios for a few days. He finally tonight had a firm but much easier poo. In fact I didn't even realize it until he was already asleep. Hate waking a sound asleep baby to change a poop diaper!!



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#183 of 244 Old 04-24-2012, 08:57 PM
 
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What about the Dr Praegers veggie burgers, Lauri? For us meat isn't an option, but if you wanted a patty that wasn't as processed, that's not a bad choice. Finn loves Boca burgers. We had then twice last week. I wonder if that's what backed him up, too??? Interesting!
I fed him regular prunes, and skipped all the puffs/Cheerios for a few days. He finally tonight had a firm but much easier poo. In fact I didn't even realize it until he was already asleep. Hate waking a sound asleep baby to change a poop diaper!!
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I haven't tried the Dr. Praeger's burgers yet. We've only done the spinach bites. I'll have to check them out.

 

What kind of puffs do you have? I gave DD the Plum Organic ones in her easter basket and I tasted one the other day and they were awful! I felt like I could taste all the chemicals. I threw them out. She didn't like them either. She's been enjoying the Morning O's from Whole Foods.


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#184 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 04:38 AM
 
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I think I might move the MyRide to DH's car. It's kind of high, and my Scion is a little higher than your average car, but not as high as most SUVs, and I am short, and it's a little tricky getting DD in and out, especially if she's asleep. I found a Safety 1st seat I like,and that I like the price of, but need to see it in person to know if it'll be a good fit for my car - She's in my car the most, so I should have a *good* seat in there - as in comfortable, etc.

 

I think I must be PMS'ing. I am super emotional and not myself. (I am not normally very PMS prone) I have all but denied DH DTD the last few days, because it's late, I am exhausted, and I don't feel connected (partly because we haven't been DTD as often lately) Though I don't know really when to expect AF . . . I am on day 44. My first cycle back with DS was 60 days long. the next was 52, then 56, 55, then the cycle I got pregnant - would have been a 30 day cycle. UGH.

 

yay for babies pooping! We used the target brand puffs with DS. and the little fruits and freeze dried yogurt bites.

 

I am trying to enjoy my meat now, gearing up for Meatless in May. I feel like I need to do something, my weight is creeping back up.


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#185 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 05:30 AM
 
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Oh the Plum ones I bought were gross.  They were like purple carrot or something crazy like that.  I like the sweet potato Up and Up brand one (target).  The banana one is too fake banana-y for me.  The apple Up and Up brand one is good too. I agree with you - if I don't like it or won't eat it, I won't give it to him.

 

Most of the time it's cheerios anyway.  But I like being able to throw the container of puffs in the diaper bag for errands.

 

If I O'ed when I think I did, AF should come within the next week or so.  I'm curious to see what happens!  Not excited, but curious, lol. 

 

DH and I have been having problems.  greensad.gif  I won't go into it, but I don't know what is going on.  We are just on totally different pages right now.  Maybe it's a 7 year itch thing (14 years together next month), maybe it's sleep deprivation, maybe it's just...idk.  We fight and argue about different things.  He is much more concerned about getting his workout in or having sex.  I'm much more concerned about happy kids and getting sleep.  The problem lies in that he can't find any sympathy for my issues, and honestly I'm having trouble feeling sympathy for his issues. 

Another thing is that he comes across very bored and disengaged 99% of the time. 

Sighh.

 

 


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#186 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 06:21 AM
 
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What is it with disengaged men? Last night, for example, I went in to DH's office and said, the baby and I are going to lie down, I know he heard and understood, he gave baby kisses goodnight. NONETHELESS, when DS followed us to bed, and was all wriggly and crap, did he come in and get him? NOOOO he did not. finally, 15 minutes later, DS leaves on his own. If he had settled and went to sleep, or just to cuddle, it would be ok. But he wants to practically on the baby and constantly moving around, and she is soooo tired, she was out as soon as I put the nipple in her mouth, but kept waking up b/c DS was all over. - and then!! once both kids were in bed, we watched like 1/2 hour of TV (it was 11:30 and I was falling asleep on the couch) I said, I'm going to bed. and DH looked dissappointed - I know he wanted to have sex, as we are expecting my period any day, but I DO NOT care. Maybe it's just the PMS talking. but I'm tired and he has made no effort to be helpful or engage with me all freaking day.  OK. rant over. (that was fresh on my mind)

 

And the work thing . . . we are trying to find a balance. but it's hard, as we both feel our work should take priority.  UGH. I am just tired and overwhelmed by crap. I need the next 2 days off to recharge!

 

So, in other words, I have no words of advice right now, only commisseration. It is seven years for us in October.


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#187 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 06:59 AM
 
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and then!! once both kids were in bed, we watched like 1/2 hour of TV (it was 11:30 and I was falling asleep on the couch) I said, I'm going to bed. and DH looked dissappointed - I know he wanted to have sex, as we are expecting my period any day, but I DO NOT care. Maybe it's just the PMS talking. but I'm tired and he has made no effort to be helpful or engage with me all freaking day.  OK. rant over. (that was fresh on my mind)

 

yeahthat.gif

 

That happens to me/us all the time.  The other night even, it was like 10 and he said he wanted to watch a movie.  I think there's an understanding we either watch TV/movie OR dtd, not one THEN the other (b/c then it'll be midnight or later, and oh hell no).  So the movie ends and he makes eyes at me and I'm like, "Are you crazy?"  in my head.  For exactly the same reasons you said - typical non-engaging DH all day, plus late at night!  Sorry, dude, no sympathy.

 

Interesting that you're coming up on the 7 too.  Hmm.

 

I mentioned the other day that something in the back of my mind was adopting some day.  And he completely rolled his eyes at me, blew me off and said, "Why don't you just open a daycare??"

That made me so mad.  Made me think maybe our future goals don't mesh.  

I have a feeling in my heart that if I do want more kids, it won't be with him.   I'm finally allowing myself to explore those feelings and honestly, it doesn't scare me to think about anymore.  Do you think it's a phase?  Normal even?  Idk!


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#188 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 07:57 AM
 
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Opening a day care is not the same thing! those are other people's babies. Now if he had suggesting maybe fostering vs. adopting, I could almost see that. though fostering is HARD. I don't think I have the heart for that. I did tell DH I would totally surrogate for someone if they asked me. I wouldn't do it through an agency, but would for a good friend or the right family member. I like pregnancy, and both of mine have been easy. I just know I am not done with pregnancy and babies yet, though I know DH has moments where he feels he is.

 

As for your feelings, if they are valid, you know, there's nothing wrong about that. I just worry about the logistics of a split - grandmas, cousins, etc. I feel so conflicted over holidays and things as it is, a split would just mean way more drama. and I hate drama. I also hate the idea of staying together for the kids. Kids need happy parents. All that said - I do love DH, and can't imagine having babies with anyone else. We just haven't had any good time to talk and hash things out, because, like, for example, yesterday - I was up at 6 to work, kids were up around 8 ish . . . he has to leave around 1 for work, and God knows I have a hard time getting any work done once he's gone and the kids are awake. And YET he decides before he leaves that he needs to make some phone calls to confirm client appointments I know it's stuff that does need to be done, but I NEED to work. I am bringing in the bulk of the $$ (I hate to bring that up) and carrying our insurance, etc, He needs to focus on the kids so I can focus on work. But he will go in the office, and I need him to be present with the kids - they do better if someone is interacting, or at least observing. And he will, if pressed, do this. I just hate that I have to press him.

 

What is it about 7 years?? I am just in a complaining mood today. I am glad to be in the office and have a break from all of it - but I do miss my babies.


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#189 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 08:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think it's normal to periodically question who you are married to and why. Any long-term relationship is going to have ups and downs. TBH, I always have the thought in the back of my mind that I might not spend the rest of my life with Sean. As it stands right now, I have been trying to figure out when the kids would be old enough that I could go back to work and still homeschool. I've thought a million times about leaving him. The thing that stops me every time is the idea of having to put the boys in school so that I could work. I also am not ready to completely give up on my family and marriage. It's kind of confusing. I don't want to leave him now but I like to know I can.

Having kids puts a big strain on a marriage relationship. What you guys are describing sounds very typical. Men don't like the loss of their freedom/independence or the loss of the attention of their wives. I think to a large extent it's a biological thing that they sort of cant' help. Historically, men didn't stay around much to help care for children. They were off hunting or fighting. They are not aware of the underlying causes of those feelings. That doesn't make it excusable today. Just a possible explanation.

Mothers historically had other women and children of various ages to help them care for all the young children and didn't need to rely on men for that as much. With our nuclear families that have broken the close knit extended family, we are left on our own to deal with the stresses of taking care of young children. I don't think there's any way to get that kind of support system back. It's time for men to start realizing that they are it now but it will take a lot of time and learning on their part.

I don't know that I have any good advice. The only thing I can think of is to be open and honest about your feelings with your dhes. Don't necessarily tell them that you are thinking of an end point. Tell them how you feel right now about the situation. I really don't know if that will help. I've always done that and it hasn't gotten me very far with Sean. He will do just about anything I ask him, like leave me alone to take a nap or go out or whatever, but only if I ask. Otherwise, I am always the default childcare person.

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#190 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 08:26 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I also hate the idea of staying together for the kids.

I am conflicted about this. I do think that, for the most part, parents should stay together for the kids. Maybe it's because I come from a divorced family but I think that should be the absolute last resort. My mom has told me several times that she wishes she hadn't gotten divorced now that she's experienced the long term effects of it on us kids and she's the one who instigated the divorce. That was back when it was still kind of new and women, especially, were being told they could have everything and didn't have to stay in an unhappy marriage. All the "experts" said the kids would be fine but no one really knew and it turned out kids of divorced families were not fine.

I think people take it too lightly. Ideally, the adults would find a way to work things out so that they could be happy again. They should do everything humanly possible to make that happen. They usually do not. The parents chose to marry each other. The parents chose to bring children into that union. Now it's the parents responsibility to keep that family together for the innocent children who had/have no choice at all costs. I think we need to do more as a society and community to help couples work through things so they can stay together and be happy. Right now the default answer is to just get divorced.

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#191 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 09:10 AM
 
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ITA divorce shoudl be a last resort - I am coming from the place of DH's parents chose to stay together, not actually work on anything, but just stayed in the same house rather than separate, and I think they would have both been happier separated, and possibly with different spouses - that kind of unhappiness permeates a home. Not to mention, the longer they live together, the less they like each other, and the less hard they try to spare feelings - There is a lot of  bitterness, anger, and disrespect in that house. That sort of "marriage" is a poor example for kids, and grandkids in this case.

 

Both of my parents were the children of divorce. In my mom's case, her bio dad was a loser, and she was raised with her half and step siblings by her stepdad, who really stepped up and was a great father. (who was my grandma's 3rd husband) My dad's mom married 2x. I think her first marriage was doomed from the start, really, and there is still a lot bitterness between them (well, as much as there can be when she is passed away, but still). As a result, my parents try very hard to remain committed and have a good relationship, and that has been a wonderful example, to me, growing up of how marriage *should* work. It's not perfect, but it is real, and good.

 

Divorce can be the best answer I think - but only if you truly can't make it work, or are unwilling to do so. Staying together is best if you are willing to work at it, and be honest. 

 

When my MIL brought up the idea of DH and I divorcing (over $$ issues) - 1) we were and are fine 2) we do still love each other and 3) divorce would exacerbate, not solve such issues. That's the big thing with divorce to me, is what would it change or solve? in most cases it only makes it worse.


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#192 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 09:45 AM
 
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I am conflicted about this. I do think that, for the most part, parents should stay together for the kids. Maybe it's because I come from a divorced family but I think that should be the absolute last resort. My mom has told me several times that she wishes she hadn't gotten divorced now that she's experienced the long term effects of it on us kids and she's the one who instigated the divorce. That was back when it was still kind of new and women, especially, were being told they could have everything and didn't have to stay in an unhappy marriage. All the "experts" said the kids would be fine but no one really knew and it turned out kids of divorced families were not fine.
Now it's the parents responsibility to keep that family together for the innocent children who had/have no choice at all costs. I think we need to do more as a society and community to help couples work through things so they can stay together and be happy. Right now the default answer is to just get divorced.
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ITA divorce shoudl be a last resort - I am coming from the place of DH's parents chose to stay together, not actually work on anything, but just stayed in the same house rather than separate, and I think they would have both been happier separated, and possibly with different spouses - that kind of unhappiness permeates a home. Not to mention, the longer they live together, the less they like each other, and the less hard they try to spare feelings - There is a lot of  bitterness, anger, and disrespect in that house. That sort of "marriage" is a poor example for kids, and grandkids in this case.

 

MW-- I have to disagree. I have two sides of the story-- my parents divorced when I was 8. I remember having a conversation with my father when I was in high school, we were fighting, and he said something to the effect of "I realize you haven't gotten over the fact that your mother and I divorced... etc etc etc" I laughed in his face, and asked him if he even remembered what it was like living with the two of them, and said that it was a relief when they finally divorced. And I still feel that way. Some people are not meant to be together, and you damage the children more by staying together. I really have a hard time finding any merit of staying together just for the kids. DH's parents did that. He's way more scarred than I am, and for years and years took it as fact that couples could only be happy for a few years, and then inevitably would fall out of love and spend the rest of their marriage just cohabitating and barely interacting unless forced. My mother pulled me aside one of the first times that Rob spent time with me at my mother and step fathers house, because she had noticed him reacting very weirdly to them being affectionate. He grew up in a home with such a terrible marriage that it was a completely foreign concept to him to see a husband and wife hug or kiss, or even talk together while making dinner. It took several years to convince him that marriage did not need to be like that. The "kids" (aged 22-37 now) still make jokes if they ever happen to catch the parents giving a quick hug or something-- because to them it's not normal behavior, it's a very weird occurance. That's sad. I think it can be very damaging to see your parents/a marriage that is so unhealthy. 

 

Now that's not to say that people should throw divorce around as 'no big deal'. It -is- a big deal. But I hate hearing people talk about staying together for the kids, or because the kids have no choice. But conversely-- they don't have the choice to say "no, I don't want to be in this unhappy home" either. They just have to live with the hostility, and the anger and lack of love. 

 

/end rant!


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#193 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 09:55 AM
 
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Thanks for your thoughts, guys.

 

Divorce...yeah it's not an easy answer to a tough problem.  I think it makes the problem so much worse.  And I'm with you, MW.  I couldn't leave him now no matter what b/c there is NO WAY I'd put both my kids in full time daycare/school and go to work FT.  

 

It was the way he said it.  The way he said "open a daycare", kind of like -- get your fix that way.  It made me so mad.  Like I'm silly, or my wanting to adopt is silly.  I mean, I get that adoption isn't for everyone, but we both agreed the traumatic part for me is the pregnancy.

I get the sense he's "over it" -- like you're saying, mw.  He is over losing his freedom/independence and he has definitely lost attention from me.  The thing is I have no sympathy, like I was saying.  I kind of feel like saying "get over it, buddy," but that isn't going to help anyone or anything.

 

 


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#194 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 11:23 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think men, especially, can be very selfish when it comes to family and kids. Again, I don't think they really do it on purpose or are even aware of it. They just aren't as focused on kids the way women are, in general.

And, yeah, I agree that there are times when divorce is the best option for everyone but I really do think that it doesn't have to be for most if everyone would just try a little harder and get over their selfishness. It's a complicated issue. But, really, I don't see much difference in kids being in a home with unhappy married parents and kids having to deal with the unhappiness of divorce and all that entails. Whether a couple stays together unhappily or gets divorced, it still sends the message that people can't be happy together for very long. I've been a single parent, too, so I know from experience that it's not easier or better than trying to make a marriage work for the kids' sake.

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#195 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 11:47 AM
 
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I see a big difference - because one way or another, the marriage is a model for the kids as to how a relationship works - modeling a rotten relationship teaches nothing. (other than stay the heck away from rotten relationships) But if the parents, separately, find happiness elsewhere, and say, remarry and can raise the kids in separate, happier homes? I think that is not a bad thing - and possibly better. DH's grandmother married twice, 2 boys from her first marriage and 2 boys from the second. DH's dad is from the first, but all the boys were raised and took the name of the second husband. They don't have the best relationship either, TBH. But we've visited his bio grandpa (that's the one in Hubert we will see in July) who also remarried and had more kids. Their relationship is a beautiful thing, and even amongt his wife's serious illness, you can see they happiness and love in the household. I think DH's dad would have maybe turned out a bit differently as a husband and father had he grown up with that sort of marriage as a model. (FWIW - FIL is a fantastic grandpa. but he was disconnected as a father - partly because of his stepdad I think, and partly because MIL pushed him away from DH - part of that whole bitterness and anger thing - further evidence to my mind that staying together can be worse for the kids and splitting up)

 

i guess, all that to say, there isn't a one size fits all answer. We can only draw from our experience and those around us to make the best choices we can.

 

I am so tired. and I am tired of being tired.


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#196 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 11:51 AM
 
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Divorce to me is such a foreign concept.

 

Being Catholic, I believe if I ever legally divorced I would still be *married* in the eyes of God so I would never re-marry or even date. I could if DH actually died, but I really don't think I would ever would get married again. 

 

Before I got married I already knew all this so it was a very heavy decision to me to get married (especially at such a young age). I remember waking up the day after I got married and I was just like "wow, I am MARRIED. Forever. AAAUUUGGHHHH" lol.gif For a few years I actually had dreams where I would find myself married to some random person and freak out because I was stuck forever and thinking "there has GOT to be a loophole to this situation!!" and wake up relieved to find I was married to DH. 

 

Personally I am GLAD I am Catholic and had to think so long and hard before I got married. It is a very big decision and I don't think people take it very seriously anymore. I have actually heard some of my siblings friends say "this is a good first marriage" or "I got married young so I can remarry again" headscratch.gif The people I am thinking of are on at least their second marriage. My SIL ex-husband (they have twin boys) was cheating on her and married the girl he was cheating with. Then they had a little boy and the new wife just left to NJ with him.........like, WTH? It's so sad to think that this is the society we live in and this is what marriage and family has come down to.

 

 

I came from a very happy home. Obviously no marriage is perfect, but my parents never really argued and there was no addictions or anything. So I really can't add to the whole "stay together for the kids or get divorced" but my instincts tell me that it depends heavily on the individuals. If DH and I fell out of love, but there were no addiction problems and we didn't argue, I would try my hardest to stay together for the kids. Going from home to home is really hard on kids I think.

 

Blah - being married is hard!

 

In other news, my kids are KICKING MY BUTT!!!!!!!! I am so in survival mode right now. Having two toddlers and a small kid is soooooooo much harder than having a kid, a toddler, and a baby.............add to that K is starting the pre-teen drama and mood swings. Yikes.

 

I am so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. nut.gif sleepytime.gif


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#197 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 12:04 PM
 
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I am so tired. and I am tired of being tired.

 

Yes, yes, yes YES! I am so tired and am sooooo tired of being tired!!!!

 

I do feel like *most* men are more disconnected than women when it comes to kids. I don't think they realize how much it kills our sex drive when we are so exhausted (and/or breastfeeding!!! dear lord!) Most of the time I just do it for him, but he realizes it has to be convenient for me at least. I am sure he wishes I was more into it, and/or initiated sometimes........but hey, I wish we did it once a month!!! LOL

 

I agree akind1 - I think how or when to end a marriage is very individualized. 
Also though, most of the time, second marriages also end in divorce. So getting a divorce and then re-marrying doesn't necessarily mean you are going to model a good marriage to your kids either.........ugh.

Can I go back and just be single?!?!?! orngtongue.gif


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#198 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 12:34 PM
 
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Well, no, obv not (Hello both my grandmas! one married 3 times, the other married twice and divorced twice, although I am not sure why she divorced the 2nd husband - they loved each other until they died - separately - but still) but I do agree, sometimes two people just aren't right for each other. My only thought, if I were to leave, I better have a really, really, good reason, and be leaving whatever our situation is, to go into a better one. Otherwise, you might as well work with what you've got.

 

I know DH and I are fine, and so much of what I am feeling is coming from a hormonal place (gah. i never used toPMS so hard - or whatever this is) and it makes it even harder for me to deal with, because I hate being emotional, and I hate being this way for no logical reason. I can't help I was raised by Spock (LOL, not really, but I really try to be logical). I think I need ice cream tonight.


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#199 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 12:34 PM
 
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I think too about what life will be like for me and DH after the kids are grown.  Are we going to even enjoy each others company then, or will all these years of disagreement and disinterest have built up resentment that is too much to get past?  We say we want to travel, and have time for each other, but the way he acts I don't really want to spend much time with him NOW.  When I think of having endless time with him...honestly I get aggravated.

 

Siggghhh.  

 

I hope it's a phase and we can either move past it, get thru it, grow from it -- and whatever happens, be happy with the outcome.  I don't think it's fair to stay together if we are both unhappy, just for the kids.  Especially if they are grown.  I don't think it's taking the union of marriage lightly, but we are only legally married b/c we aren't catholic.  Not to say I don't value marriage and what it is or what it means, but emotions aside, it's a contract.  Sounds heartless.  I know.  

If we are going to get thru this, we both need to TRY.  And sometimes I feel like he doesn't want to try, he just wants things to go back the way they were.

I don't though, not necessarily.  I love these kids and I love being a SAHM.  I love that his work allows me to do what I do.  I love all of that.  I just wish it didn't all come at the cost of him being upset or angry or both. 

 

Finn is trying so hard to crawl!  It's amazing to watch (but frustrating for him).  From sitting he can *almost* get to hands and knees, and he reaches and pulls and twists and tries -- but man, it's so cool.  He's the best!

 

I was wearing him in the Boba around town today getting lunch and coffee, and I got so many compliments.  I love that Boba.  I'm so glad I have it.  I'm thinking of selling my Storch.  What price do you think would be fair but not too cheap?  I was thinking like $40-$50?  Is that too high for a used wrap?  I have no idea.

 


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#200 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 12:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree that a big part of the problem is that people take marriage too lightly. They don't really think or talk about what it means to be married and have kids. But it's also kind of easy to talk about all of that and have a vision of what it will be before you do it. It can end up being very different once you are in it. And, the longer two people are together, the more different it can become because people do change.

I think things can be hard in the middle when the kids are young and everything is so demanding but get better as the kids get older. Hopefully, a couple can find their way back to each other once the kids are grown. I don't see much point in staying married after that if everyone is still unhappy.

Wraps are pretty expensive but I don't know what's a reasonable price for a used one. Maybe look on a few sites to see how much others are going for.

I've been trying to figure out how much to price my woolies and diapers for. I listed a bunch for sale but nothing has sold. I don't know if my prices are too high or what. shrug.gif

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#201 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 12:56 PM
 
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I hope it's a phase and we can either move past it, get thru it, grow from it -- and whatever happens, be happy with the outcome.  I don't think it's fair to stay together if we are both unhappy, just for the kids.  Especially if they are grown.  I don't think it's taking the union of marriage lightly, but we are only legally married b/c we aren't catholic.  Not to say I don't value marriage and what it is or what it means, but emotions aside, it's a contract.  Sounds heartless.  I know.  

If we are going to get thru this, we both need to TRY.  And sometimes I feel like he doesn't want to try, he just wants things to go back the way they were.

I don't though, not necessarily.  I love these kids and I love being a SAHM.  I love that his work allows me to do what I do.  I love all of that.  I just wish it didn't all come at the cost of him being upset or angry or both. 

 

I was wearing him in the Boba around town today getting lunch and coffee, and I got so many compliments.  I love that Boba.  I'm so glad I have it.  I'm thinking of selling my Storch.  What price do you think would be fair but not too cheap?  I was thinking like $40-$50?  Is that too high for a used wrap?  I have no idea.

 

When I say I would stay together, even if I was unhappy, for the kids I mean only when they are young. I'm not sure at what teenage stage I would feel comfortable with it.

 

From what I have seen second hand, it is REALLY hard on young kids to go from house to house. It has to be confusing to have different rules, and different expectations. Plus, on a selfish level, I wouldn't want any other woman that DH would get with to raise them in any aspect. Selfish, I know. 

 

Noooooow, if DH were abusive and/or an alcoholic or something of that nature then I think that is something where it is definitely worth any other obstacles to just get out. 

 

Marriage is just a legal contract........I totally get why people get divorced. I am just glad that I am Catholic so it brings the other aspect into it that the civic law doesn't have. Only because I have the personality where I don't know if I would actually *get* a divorce, but I would think about it alot. That "what if" would always be in the back of my mind driving me crazy! LOL

 

I think used wraps (if they are in good condition) can go for a decent amount. It is almost impossible to get them cheaper, so even the 10 or 15 bucks off a new one people like. 

Plus, you can always ask for that much and then go lower if you don't get any interest.

 


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#202 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 03:29 PM
 
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Abuse issues or alcoholism/drug abuse are obviously game changers in my book. But short of that? There's not really anything that DH could do or not do to make me want to get divorced. We were actually talking about this the other night. Watching the emotional pain he experiences being away from the big kids so much is awful. There's no way I could put him through that with DD or likewise imagine not seeing DD every day. Or not spending every holiday with her. That is unfathomable to me. And DD ADORES DH. There's no way I could keep her from him. Just won't happen.

 

I'm a product of divorce. My father is an alcoholic and had started using cocaine. It wasn't a healthy situation to keep us in so my mom left. They are still friends, it just wasn't a good idea for us to be around him on a daily basis. He still has issues with alcohol but isn't using drugs, at least to my knowledge.

 

I think if you are in a relationship that is having a rough spot, and you recognize that and can see where there are problems, you should take some efforts to make things work. I know I struggle with that. I will do ANYTHING for the kids regardless of how tired I am. But if DH asks me to do something? Eh, I usually find a lot of excuses. I'm working on that. It's hard. Making a marriage work is tough! But like Annie, as a Catholic, divorce is not an option.

 

I got 3 used GroVia dipes yesterday off craigslist. A coworker's wife was selling them so that was super convienent! I'm excited to try them. I also got a Wrapsody Bali Breeze woven wrap used from a lady here in town. It's lovely! Just to give you an idea of pricing, it's normally $75 new and she charged me $30. I've done a front carry w/DD and attempted a back carry but she was a little too squirmy. Will need to try again.


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#203 of 244 Old 04-25-2012, 03:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The reason I say that I think the adults should do everything they can to overcome their issues and stay together for the kids is because most reasons I hear for divorce are really so trivial. Falling out of love is a big one. Of course you aren't going to have that exciting love that you had when you were first together. A lot of that physiological and driven by the biological need to procreate. That's going to wear off after a while. Then you have to find other reasons to love each other and stay together.

There are dealbreakers. Violence/abuse is the only one that's a definite one for me. Substance abuse depends on whether or not the person is trying to stop. You may have to separate for a while in such a situation but, hopefully, things can come back together. Cheating is a bigger one for me than substance abuse. I don't think it's always an unforgivable offense but I don't know if I could ever get over it and trust the other person again.

I think one of the best things any individual can do to keep a marriage together is take care of the other person without any expectation of reciprocity. Like Annie said, if I do for my kids like that, I should also do for my husband like that. It is harder to do for another adult, though, and I definitely struggle with that.

I think I've decided that I'm definitely going to stay with my mom for a while. I'm depressed and can't be by myself right now. It's just a matter of getting myself moving and getting everything organized and packed, which is really hard to do when all I want to do is curl up in a ball. Trying to figure out what to pack for all of us for 6 weeks is very overwhelming, especially at this time of year when the weather can sometimes be hot and sometimes be cold. I feel like I need to pack every article of clothing we have, which is unrealistic.

I also made an appointment to possibly get some medication. I can't do acupuncture anymore so medication is my only option.

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#204 of 244 Old 04-26-2012, 04:18 AM
 
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1st - Carrie - what color is your storch and how long? for that price I will buy it from you - Storchs are great toddler wraps and pretty indestructible. (ya'll can see where my priorities are!)

 

DH and  I got to talk a bit yesterday and DTD. gah. I am not doing that on the floor anymore! so sore today. Need Norah to have her own bed - at least for a little while, so we can have the bed back!!! between those 2 things, I think we are in a better place, and I don't feel as much as an emotional wreck.

 

I think I could move past cheating. Depending on the offense - like, were you stupid and slipped up once? I can get over that. Long term affair that was both emotional and physical? IDK - that would be much, much, harder. physical, emotional, drug and substance - I don't need to life with that or have our kids subject to it. deal breaker.

 

MW - I know the drive sucks. and being with your mom might be tough - but I hope that going there helps lift you out of the funk. You can see Sean and visit with friends. Who knows, it might even be good for Ryan to be on his own for a bit, though Dylan will miss him :)

 

Also - if the meds help, take them.  Kids need a healthy you. Mentally and otherwise.

 

Annie - hooray on the craigslist finds! I am not doing CL anymore, I use a local FB swap page. Less trolls and scams. CL used to be so awesome!

 

Carrie - do the two of you have any mutual interests? DH and bonded over WoW for a while (for me, it was an "if I can't beat 'em, join 'em" sort of thing) we both love shopping, natural stuff, etc. Yours likes to work out, is he interested in jogging/running with you?

 

Oh, and I love wearing Norah or Gabe in public - mostly such great comments! makes my day ;)


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#205 of 244 Old 04-26-2012, 04:42 AM
 
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It's so funny.  When I was cleaning up yesterday and then out walking with the kids I was thinking.  If I spent anywhere near as much time/effort on my relationship with DH that I do on trying to talk to and communicate with my 3 year old, maybe things would be better.  I'll research and techniques and dig deep to find patience and respect and have complete and total unconditional love - sure I get angry but I make sure N knows I still love her even when I get mad.  I need to find it in my heart to try this with my marriage.  And then I come here and read two posts saying almost the same thing.  Nice!

 

MW - I fully agree with what you said about finding other reasons to love each other and stay together.  

In our most recent talks, I've been bringing up that we need to get back to doing things for each other w/o expecting a thank you or a medal.  I'm sick of him announcing that he did XY or Z b/c he wants me to thank him.  I don't walk around announcing everything I did so he can thank me.  I'm just tired of it.  

The other night he was so grouchy and banging things around b/c he didn't get a chance to work out.  I was like listen, knock it off.  I don't know what you want but you have to stop this attitude.  He said he was mad b/c he took too long out shopping with Nora, and mad b/c Nora's party at school went on too long and he didn't get to work out.  I was livid! Both things are for your DAUGHTER.  Get OVER IT.  Be happy she had a fun party, be glad you took her shopping and got to hang out with her.  argue.gif

Regardless I said I was sorry he didn't get to do what he wanted to do.  It sucks that some times our needs come last or aren't met at all.  I try to feel for him b/c I do in some ways get what he's saying (but I think I deal with it better b/c I have to).

But then he wanted me to thank him for doing the dishes.  What?  No no.  The dishes are part of living here and being in this family.  I'll thank him for that but I won't say thanks for doing dishes.

 

DH and I have a ton in common.  Just right now I'm having trouble seeing it.  

 

He bought a groupon to drive a Ferrari Scuderia racing car on a real track, I think 3 laps.  Normally it's a couple hundred dollars, but this was a good deal - it was only $99.  He told me about it all excited and I was like, omg that is awesome! I said I wanted to go watch -- but part of me is really jealous b/c he bought it w/o even asking me if I'd like to do it.  I would SO love to do it.  I feel like he doesn't even think about me sometimes.

 

((hugs)) Mw about how you're feeling.  I'm glad you're doing something about it regardless.  I can't imagine packing to be away for that long.  I'd probably pack basics and plan to shop while I'm there.

 

Lemme get back to you on the wrap.  I'm not sure the size and if I can get more for it, I'll try! orngbiggrin.gif

 


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#206 of 244 Old 04-26-2012, 07:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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See, Carrie, being upset about the party taking too long is the kind of selfishness that fathers have that I was talking about. I don't think it's fair to hate them for it. I mean, I'm not saying that to bash men or anything like that. I think they just don't realize what they are doing when they say or do stuff like that. I don't think it occurs to them to think in terms of having the privilege of doing something with this precious child that makes her happy (which is the most wonderful gift anyone can get). I think mother's have those thoughts, too. I'm sure I have daily thoughts about how I wish I could just sit and knit all day long rather than taking care of the kids. That's not quite the same thing because that's work as opposed to fun but it's the same feeling of wanting time to myself and not having to give it to anyone else.

I'd be upset about the car thing, too. That would be like Sean getting some great deal on SCUBA diving but only for himself. I would be very angry about that. But, the thing to do is remain calm and tell him how you feel about it and why rather than getting angry and yelling or not speaking or whatever. Not quite on the same level but I went through something like that with Sean after he came home from his first deployment. He'd stop at the store while he was out and pick himself up a treat and bring it home but not have anything for the rest of us. Ryan and I both felt hurt that Sean didn't think to get something for us. It wasn't that big of a deal to me but it was to Ryan, who was 14 at the time. Once I presented it to Sean that way he got it and was much better at thinking about us.

Sean is actually really good about being home and available. That's one thing that I could not abide, having my husband always going out doing his own thing and leaving me alone with the kids. Not that yours is doing that, Carrie, but I've known some women in those kinds of relationships. I knew one woman who had to take all of her kids to store with her every time she went even when your husband was home because he refused to take care of them. That wasn't his job even though she WOH, too.

I think a big part of the problem with Sean and I is that we don't have anything in common anymore. We've been apart so much that we've developed our own separate interests that don't involve the other at all. We used to have exercise in common, being in the outdoors enjoying things like hiking. In Hawaii we liked to go to the beach and kayak and hike to the waterfalls. Having more kids and no one around to watch them has taken that away from me. I've had to find interests that I can do at home with the babies and kids. Plus, the fact that there is nothing like that to do around here that's close and driving an hour or more to do anything every week with a little baby and car sick kid is just not going to happen. Sean still exercises every day. He has to for his job. I'm just not into that so much anymore.

We disagree on politics and religion and the environment and how to eat and live healthily. It's really hard to find anything to talk about that we don't end up arguing about. Even the kids. Obviously, we have them in common and we both love them very much but we disagree a lot on how to handle situations with them. I think if we weren't separated so much we wouldn't be so distant. Unfortunately, Sean hasn't been home long enough for us to get back to each other yet.

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#207 of 244 Old 04-26-2012, 01:27 PM
 
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I think daddies just have a different experience with kids. I know that my DH and my BIL don't have much patience to let kids do an activity until they are done. I don't think it's the most fun thing in the world but I have no problem sitting at the park for hours while the kids play. As long as everyone is happy and we don't have another activity to go to, I see no reason in rushing off to do something else. My DH loses interest in about 20 mins. When we go to the science museum, he has to take breaks to get coffee, check his phone, go to the bathroom, etc. I can sit and watch them do the activities or do the activities with them the whole time. shrug.gif

 

MW, I think it's great that you've decided to consider the idea of medication. I think that using medication to help a chemical imbalance for a short time is exactly what it's there for. And being up here will help your mood as well, hopefully. I don't know if I could stay with my mom that long. When I stayed with her for a week, it was getting old. But if it was to be near DH, I could probably suck it up. As far as clothes, we have some cooler days but it's going to be mostly warm from here on out. I would pack two pairs of pants, two long sleeve shirts and then maybe 3-4 pairs of shorts and 3-4 short sleeve shirts for E & K. Also remember there are plenty of Old Navys, Targets, etc up near your mom so if you need to pick up something for weird weather, you'll be fine. ANNNNNNNNNDDDDDDD, you get to see ME! jumpers.gif
 


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#208 of 244 Old 04-26-2012, 01:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I know, Annie. I was thinking that we'd be able to get together. And, Sean and I could have a date with my mom to babysit. Maybe we could even get a whole night at his hotel with just Dylan. winky.gifwinky.gif The nice thing about being at my mom's is that it's close enough that I can come home early if things aren't working out. Mainly, I feel like I need to not be alone right now with the depression. I'm not so depressed that I'm dangerous but I've had a few nights when I've been pretty immobile by myself, if that makes any sense. Unfortunately, I'm at the point that the doctors say I need to be on antidepressants forever. No short term meds treatment. Of course, I can always choose whether or not to follow their advice but it's not an issue of just taking meds for a short while to get over a hump.

Sean recommended the same thing wrt what to pack.

Sean and I are the opposite with the interest in doing kid things. Well, make that play/outdoor kid things. He's not any better than me when the boys want to browse TRU for an hour. lol.gif I get bored very quickly at the park or a museum with the kids. I'm better if I'm with someone else I can talk to but don't last long by myself.

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#209 of 244 Old 04-27-2012, 01:06 PM
 
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We always try to do outings with people (museums and zoos and stuff) more fun for everybody! but sometimes it's not possible and we go it alone anyway.

 

Watching a friend's baby today, with a cast on her leg. would you believe I can still wrap her? the cast is done in such a way that her legs still froggy position really well. Thank God, because especially with the cast, she's a chunk!

 

Also, had a babywearing playdate  at my house, the kids had a blast, got soooo dirty, but wore them out. Hooray!

 

Man, I am tired now, but at least the mama friend whose baby I am watching is buying dinner :)


Katrina - Mama to Gabriel  sleepytime.gif 11/20/2009 and Norah vbac.gif 10/11/2011- married to Wayne - geek.gif novaxnocirc.gifbfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifcd.gif&nbspand now new baby Theodore born 3/11/13 vbac.gif

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#210 of 244 Old 04-27-2012, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We go bowling and to the park with other homeschoolers. That's usually pretty good because I have other homeschooling moms to talk to. But, recently I've been getting a weird vibe from one of them. I thought we were becoming good friends but she suddenly stopped texting and emailing me to do things. The last two times I saw her at homeschool group stuff she has talked over me and contradicted just about everything I say in what sounds like a snide way to me. I think maybe she has some issues with the fact that I unschool while she's more rigid with her homeschooling. I don't have a problem with what she does with her kids but I do talk about how and why I unschool. I kind of wonder if she's taken it as some sort of criticism or judgment of her.

For example, I was contacted by another homeschooler who wants to start unschooling her youngest child. I invited her to bowling with our group so she could meet other homeschoolers in the area and we could talk about unschooling. The only reason I talked so much about unschooling that time was because that was the main reason for this other person coming. This other person kept interjecting herself into our conversation to make points about how not everyone has to do things that way and how and why she does things the way she does with her kids. She made some comment about NFL/AP and how there are extreme ends to the discipline issue and looked right at me and said something like, "with some people being very permissive." IDK I got the feeling she was trying to insult me.

Because of that I haven't been motivated to go to the groups very often lately. There are only 3 of us who are really active, go to almost everything every week, and she is one of them.


knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

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