May 2012 Rockstar Mamas - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 213 Old 05-03-2012, 03:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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lyeterae ~ Baby boy born February 2011
annie ~ Baby girl born April 7, 2011
Barefootscientist ~ Baby boy born May 30, 2011
AnnieA (due 7/18) ~ Baby girl born July 17, 2011
MarineWife (due 7/30) ~ Baby boy born July 25, 2011
Baby_Cakes (due 8/16) ~ Baby boy born August 16, 2011
MovingMomma (due 8/9) ~ Baby girl born August 18, 2011
akind1 (due 9/28) ~ Baby girl born October 11, 2011
mom2one (due 10/23) ~ Baby boy born October 21, 2011
jeninejessica (due 12/01) ~ Baby girl born November 29, 2011
Kindermama (due 1/6) ~ Baby boy born January 1, 2012


Last month's thread: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1349941/april-2012-rockstar-mamas-and-their-babies-better-late-than-never

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#2 of 213 Old 05-03-2012, 03:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He's still just distant and disengaged. He's burnt out from work he says and tired.

I have a perfect example of why I'll never accept this excuse from a man. My mom is 70. She still works full-time, at home. She works as a patent examiner for the United States Patent & Trademark Office. She examines applications for inventions of industrial chemical compositions to see if they will get patented. It's a very mentally taxing job. I know because I did pretty much the same thing for several years, although I examined bio-affecting chemical compositions. She does this and takes breaks throughout the day to walk her dog and play with my boys. At the end of the day she comes down and cooks dinner and/or cleans up for all of us. She'll take a break to watch Dylan and my older boys so I can take a shower or run to the store.

And, what about all those mothers who WOH and then come home and cook, clean, play and read with the kids and then get everyone ready for and into bed? They work just as hard as any man but they don't come home and say they are burned out or used up and can't possibly do anything else.

That's fine if everyone is happy with it. But if someone isn't happy, something needs to change. Either the partner who is vegging out needs to step up or the other partner needs to accept things the way they are.

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#3 of 213 Old 05-03-2012, 03:40 PM
 
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subbing!

 

Yes - exactly.  I agree 100%.  Then there are single moms!!  Don't even get me started!!

 

How do you feel about things knowing now he wasn't ignoring you?  Still considering not going back?  You'd have to at least go back to get the rest of your things...and talk to Ryan?  No? 


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#4 of 213 Old 05-03-2012, 03:44 PM
 
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I agree w/you MW. When I worked 8-5, I'd still have to come home and cook dinner, monitor homework, get the kids through the shower and in to bed plus clean up the kitchen, wash clothes, pack lunches, etc. It's just part of being a grownup. DH did stuff too but there was no way that I would just say "Oh I'm burned out from work tonight." What I may have done was do an easy supper since I was tired. Grab pizza or something. Maybe figure out if I can push the clothes washing to the next day, etc. Decide to do lunches early the next morning, etc. But not doing the work wasn't an option.

 

Baby_Cakes, I'm glad that your shopping trip today went better! I've found that setting expectations is a HUGE help, even if I feel like I'm stating the obvious. Sometimes they just need a reminder, especially if I'm in a hurry. I usually say something like "We need to get in and out so I need you guys to stay with me today" or if we're not in a hurry I'll tell them they can go off on their own and look but they need to meet back at X time. And if I hear/see yelling, running, hitting, etc, then they have to stay with me.

 

MW, there's a playground at the USMC museum that's a lot of fun. That may be a good place to meet. Easy to get to, free parking, free entrance to museum if anyone needs to use the bathroom and there's lots of shade. We can FB message about it later on in the month. I'll probably still go to IKEA that day since I'll already be up there. We have a crib from there. It was $100 and I love it. It doesn't come with a mattress though. You have to buy that separate.
 


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#5 of 213 Old 05-03-2012, 05:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Carrie ~ I meant to say the same thing Annie did. Glad you had a better day shopping.

One thing that's supposed to be helpful when telling kids your needs and expectation before something is to make positive statements. So, instead of saying, "No running, yelling, hitting," you could say, "Walk next to me," "Talk in a quiet voice," "Keep your hands to yourself." It's a lot easier to list a few things that are ok to do rather than the multitude of things you don't want them to do.

Have you noticed any correspondence between the problems you're having with Nora and when Chris is home or away? My boys have a really hard time adjusting right after Sean leaves and comes home. Most of the time, if I can switch my reaction to responding to their angst over that rather than just focusing on how they are "acting out" (which a lot of times I wonder if they are vs. me just being overly sensitive myself from the change), things go a lot more smoothly.
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How do you feel about things knowing now he wasn't ignoring you?  Still considering not going back?  You'd have to at least go back to get the rest of your things...and talk to Ryan?  No? 

I was mostly joking about not going back. I am kind of ambivalent about it, though. There are a few things I've been thinking I need to get straight in my head. For example, if I didn't try to contact someone (boyfriend, spouse, significant other) for 3+ days, especially after a fight, it would be because I was over it. That's me, though. That's not Sean. It was only 1 day, anyway. I project a lot of my thoughts, feelings and intentions on to him when maybe he's not thinking, feeling or meaning any of it. I need to work on that.

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#6 of 213 Old 05-03-2012, 05:38 PM
 
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Carrie ~ I meant to say the same thing Annie did. Glad you had a better day shopping.
One thing that's supposed to be helpful when telling kids your needs and expectation before something is to make positive statements. So, instead of saying, "No running, yelling, hitting," you could say, "Walk next to me," "Talk in a quiet voice," "Keep your hands to yourself." It's a lot easier to list a few things that are ok to do rather than the multitude of things you don't want them to do.
Have you noticed any correspondence between the problems you're having with Nora and when Chris is home or away? My boys have a really hard time adjusting right after Sean leaves and comes home. Most of the time, if I can switch my reaction to responding to their angst over that rather than just focusing on how they are "acting out" (which a lot of times I wonder if they are vs. me just being overly sensitive myself from the change), things go a lot more smoothly.
I was mostly joking about not going back. I am kind of ambivalent about it, though. There are a few things I've been thinking I need to get straight in my head. For example, if I didn't try to contact someone (boyfriend, spouse, significant other) for 3+ days, especially after a fight, it would be because I was over it. That's me, though. That's not Sean. It was only 1 day, anyway. I project a lot of my thoughts, feelings and intentions on to him when maybe he's not thinking, feeling or meaning any of it. I need to work on that.

 

Agreed about the positive statements.


It's always when he's back.  When he's gone I feel like things are a well oiled machine.  I'm tired but we get thru and we are happy as clams, no bedtime issues, etc.  Then when he comes home, it's disrupted.  It leads to me being resentful of him being home, too.  

 

Both kids asleep by 830 tonight!   I guess I did wear them out somehow, lol.  I thought we'd be up late for sure.


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#7 of 213 Old 05-03-2012, 06:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's always when he's back.  When he's gone I feel like things are a well oiled machine.  I'm tired but we get thru and we are happy as clams, no bedtime issues, etc.  Then when he comes home, it's disrupted.  It leads to me being resentful of him being home, too.

That's where to start looking for the solution, then. What can you and Chris do to make the transition more peaceful? You said a while back that you are the disciplinarian and he's the good guy. Does she want extra time with Dad since he's home but you are trying to keep to a schedule? If so, could you relax the schedule at least for a bit? Or, is it the other way around? Are you more relaxed about things when he's gone but he wants things done more rigidly? If so, explain to him that things go easier if you make a slow change rather than an abrupt one.

I'm just brainstorming what the issues might be and what might work to make things better. Since I'm not there, I obviously don't really know what's going on. Shoot, lots of times when I am there with my own family I don't know what's going on.

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#8 of 213 Old 05-03-2012, 06:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ya know what just occurred to me? Maybe she's not getting the attention she wants from Chris after he's been gone. That would explain her saying that she hates you and wants Daddy. Maybe you could schedule some special time for just her and Chris.

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#9 of 213 Old 05-03-2012, 06:45 PM
 
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Hmm.  Let me think.  It could be any of those things!

 

When he's home...I think I relax the routine.  Things are a little looser, not as strict.

I think she would LOVE more attention from him.  I wish he would make her more of a priority.

I didn't mention this to you guys, I don't think, but there was one day in particular after he got back from a long trip, over a week gone.  It was the first whole day back (he'd gotten home the night before, we were all well rested, etc)  and we were all outside playing.  Finn was getting tired so I went to put him for a nap.  I got him down, and went back out to find Chris just playing on his phone, while Nora played alone.  I asked him if he'd stay out with her so I could clean up the house a bit, and he could spend time with her.  He gave me a look and said he would but he was bored.  I was livid.  I was hurt.  How dare he say that about our daughter?  Who he hadn't seen for over a week?  Its comments and things like that that make me feel like he's just unhappy with us.

A friend of mine put it bluntly.  Playing things with your kids isn't for YOU, you idiot.  Play with your kid.  Make her feel like she's amazing.  It's not about how mentally stimulating it is for YOU!  Ugh.

Needless to say I told him to put the phone away and play with her while I cleaned.  I couldn't even believe him at that moment and I was too upset to deal with it any other way.


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#10 of 213 Old 05-03-2012, 07:09 PM
 
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Carrie: someone told me once that toddlers don't hear the negative, so when you say, DON'T do X, they hear do x, which is frustrating al round. I try really hard to tell Gabe what he can do, vs what he can't.

Husbands: no advice. Sometimes hands off works. But most of the time kids crave interaction. Force a daddy/daughter date?

Gabe has been better the last couple days. Maybe one of those mercury in retrograde things again.

Busy weekend ahead.

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#11 of 213 Old 05-03-2012, 07:21 PM
 
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Idk.  I think he's got a big head about his job.  This is just me talking out my ass, but I think he feels super important/big hot shot and then he comes back home to us and we are little people or something?  And not as interesting?  Idk.  I wonder what he expects.

 

Katrina - I agree!  It's much more effective to list what you can do in general.  Coming off the last shopping trip tho, I just wanted to be super clear about what I would not tolerate.  You know?  It's all a crap shoot anyway.

 

When do they stop being toddlers and start being kids?  I feel like Nora just isn't a toddler anymore.  She's such a KID to me!  Ugh, such a big girl.  

 

I know all I do is complain lately but honestly, my heart and soul could not love these children any more.  They are why I live and breathe.  luxlove.gif  We are just in rough patch I think.  Maybe even Nora senses all the issues DH and I are having.  

 

Is it the weekend already??  OMG.  Where did the week go?


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#12 of 213 Old 05-04-2012, 04:29 AM
 
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Maybe the time in Disney, where it's all family all the time, will help.

 

Carrie - I would like the wrap - no rush, but making sure that didn't get lost in the shuffle.

 

I have too much crammed in as usual. Walking with mama friends this morning, working,, then off to the strawberry festival an hour or more away with my sister, for Gabe to ride rides and listen to a concert by a friend's band that is taking off - Paper Tongues - I love their stuff - and spend Saturday doing more festival stuff and maybe IKEA. Do not ask me how I have the energy or wherewithall to do all this crap. I want to do it, it will get done, and we will have a good time doing it!

 

Coffee. Lots of Coffee.

 

Oh, and Gabe has his first sunburn :( We didn't use sunscreen this time, bc we weren't out for very long, and were in shade a good part of the time.


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#13 of 213 Old 05-04-2012, 06:40 AM
 
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Oh I didn't forget!  Chris has a pp account so once I can talk to him (he was gone yesterday) I'll ask him for it and then I'll ship it out Monday!  Oh.  Let me go on FB and get your address!  Yay!

 

We slept so good last night!  I needed it!  Nora did her usual 12+ hours and Finn only woke for a quick nurse at 11, 2, and then 5.  Back to sleep and then up for the day at 8.  So nice.  This is what I could get used to.  If he drops that 2 am, it would be PERFECT.

Nora didn't sleep like this while nursing EVER.  She was an up every hour baby until well past a year.  So.  Not to jinx it but I hope our luck continues.

 

School day today, and not much else planned.  I talked briefly to DH about looking into a cleaning lady to come like 1 or 2 times a month to deep clean the kitchen/bathroom, dust fans, etc.  He gave me the go ahead to start looking!  energy.gif  Sanity, you are closer than I thought!  


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#14 of 213 Old 05-04-2012, 08:12 AM
 
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Subbing! How is it May (4th!!!!) already?

 

I agree - boys are silly when they think that going to work is an excuse to unplug when they get home. I actually would RATHER go to work some days just to break up the monotony of my life! I really really look forward to Sat nights (when I go to work) sometime. I get to actually get away from the consistent "mommy, mommy, mommy".

 

Some days my kids are good, some days not. Usually they are in between. The baby is really starting to get her own attitude.....for the moment it is still pretty cute! lol.gif


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Yay! I am excited, it has such pretty colors in it!

 

And hooray for good sleep. What sleep I got was good (we didn't get to bed until 1 - all for good cause, but still) but need more! I got some sweet pics of the 2 of them while nursing today, there is a lot of boob in the shots, but whatever.

 

I agree - I love my one day in the office! - makes me miss and appreciate my family. GTG work . . .ugh. so glad it's Friday!


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#16 of 213 Old 05-04-2012, 10:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I thought last night that I should have said, all mothers who have a second job rather than just WOHMs, Kat. winky.gif You obviously don't come out of your home office after being holed up all day and then just zone out with some other media.

I don't think there's really anything wrong with Chris saying that he's bored. Like I said before, I get bored fast when out by myself doing things for the kids. I get bored at home by myself with the kids, too. One thing that does help me is to shift my mind away from all the things I'm thinking in my mind that I need to do or could be doing instead and totally focus on the kids. Or, take something to occupy myself while they play. Of course, if I were gone for a week, I'd focus on the kids rather than something to distract me while they play. I don't know if Chris would be open to hearing that.

Carrie ~ I would tell him how you feel about him thinking you guys are less than or something. Try to do it in a non-accusatory way. Make "I" statements rather than "You" statements. Gah! Tried to come up with a good example but I can't right now. Basically, the sentence would go, "I feel ___ when you ___ because ___." You could even leave out the "because" part if you can't come up with a way to say it without sounding accusatory. That's the part where I'm getting stuck. lol.gif

I'm feeling a lot better being here, just having another adult to talk to daily is nice. I started Zoloft the day before yesterday. I think it kept me from sleeping last night. I was sitting in the living room at 9 pm barely able to keep my head up and eyes open but when I went to bed I couldn't sleep. I was awake until at least 2:30 am. Dylan woke up around 7:45. We stayed in bed and I let him flop around for a while and he actually fell back to sleep. We didn't get up again until almost 10! Oh, the newest thing is that I say, "Dylan, lay down. Everyone is sleeping," and he immediately flops down where ever he is and is still. It's so cute. I think he's still tricking me about being asleep, though, because as soon as I think he's out and try to roll over he pops back up. hehe

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#17 of 213 Old 05-06-2012, 12:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Carrie ~ I have to share something that I think you'll get a kick out of. My mom is making food for a vegan potluck that some people at her church are having tonight. Ethan went with her when she went shopping for the food. She's making a curry so she bought some yogurt to make that cucumber/yogurt cream sauce that goes with curry a lot. Ethan pointed out to her that yogurt was not vegan since it's dairy. She hadn't realized. lol.gif I'm not sure how Ethan knew that. He must have just put two and two together from hearing me talk about vegan stuff.

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#18 of 213 Old 05-06-2012, 02:01 PM
 
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Carrie ~ I have to share something that I think you'll get a kick out of. My mom is making food for a vegan potluck that some people at her church are having tonight. Ethan went with her when she went shopping for the food. She's making a curry so she bought some yogurt to make that cucumber/yogurt cream sauce that goes with curry a lot. Ethan pointed out to her that yogurt was not vegan since it's dairy. She hadn't realized. lol.gif I'm not sure how Ethan knew that. He must have just put two and two together from hearing me talk about vegan stuff.

 

What a smart kid! I was actually confused by the whole vegetarian/vegan thing. I think the first time I heard vegan I wondered if it was different from vegetarian. I figured it was since it was a different name! LOL 

I think a TV show is actually when I figured out that it was no animal by-products at all. Strangely enough - Carmelite Nuns are always vegetarian and then during Lent they are Vegan (I never realized there was a name for it growing up). Of course, they do it for penance purposes. You lead a life of penance Carrie biglaugh.gif

 

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#19 of 213 Old 05-06-2012, 09:07 PM
 
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Ooops! I stopped getting notifications, but I thought it had been a day or two, not almost a week!

 

I keep forgetting, but in the member list- my due date was 12/01 not 12/10. Baby girl was two days early- ironically, my sister and I were both two days early as well! 

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...  I got him down, and went back out to find Chris just playing on his phone, while Nora played alone.  I asked him if he'd stay out with her so I could clean up the house a bit, and he could spend time with her.  He gave me a look and said he would but he was bored.  I was livid.  I was hurt.  How dare he say that about our daughter?  Who he hadn't seen for over a week?  Its comments and things like that that make me feel like he's just unhappy with us.

A friend of mine put it bluntly.  Playing things with your kids isn't for YOU, you idiot.  Play with your kid.  Make her feel like she's amazing.  It's not about how mentally stimulating it is for YOU!  Ugh.

Needless to say I told him to put the phone away and play with her while I cleaned.  I couldn't even believe him at that moment and I was too upset to deal with it any other way.

Rob does stuff like that. I'll hand off T and tell him I just need some time alone. I'll come back 10 minutes later to find him on the computer, holding her, while she watches tv. Like... her playmat with all her toys is two feet away. Sit your ass down and PLAY with her! I have her for 22+ hours a day. He can play with her for 30 minutes without turning a movie on. I even pointed it out to him, and he got upset. His reasoning is that if she's happy watching baby einstein isn't that what matters. Except that-- she's 5 months old. I use the stupid video for 15 minutes so I can eat breakfast in the morning, but I don't want her watching it when we're perfectly able to be playing with her!

 

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I don't think there's really anything wrong with Chris saying that he's bored. Like I said before, I get bored fast when out by myself doing things for the kids. I get bored at home by myself with the kids, too. One thing that does help me is to shift my mind away from all the things I'm thinking in my mind that I need to do or could be doing instead and totally focus on the kids. Or, take something to occupy myself while they play. 

I'm feeling a lot better being here, just having another adult to talk to daily is nice. I started Zoloft the day before yesterday. I think it kept me from sleeping last night. I was sitting in the living room at 9 pm barely able to keep my head up and eyes open but when I went to bed I couldn't sleep. I was awake until at least 2:30 am. 

^^It's hard because it's two different things. I totally get being 'bored' playing with the kids. But that doesn't give him an excuse not to put an effort into it! She thinks you walk on water-- earn some of that! lol

 

I was on citalopram (Celexa) for a short time, and I had some similar symptoms. I would be tired, but then when I tried to sleep my mind would just race. I ended up going off it really suddenly because I couldn't stand the way it made me feel. I told my doctor that after 3 weeks of being on it, I totally get why one of the rare side effects is suicide attempts. I was actually on it as an anti-anxiety med to help me sleep, and once I did fall asleep, I slept well. But when I was awake, I felt like I was coming out of my skin. It was like I could feel the adrenalin pumping through my body, and my mind would race all over the place, even talking seemed weird because I could keep one thought in my mind long enough. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. 


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#20 of 213 Old 05-07-2012, 05:11 AM
 
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Hi ladies!!

 

MW - I knew you'd say that there's nothing wrong with him being bored!  I just think it's too easy to use that as an excuse to be lazy.  When you're bored with the kids do you tell them that?  Or tune them out?  No.  You do what you do b/c you are their role model and teacher and guide in this life.  Your feelings might be there, fine (I mean, please, playing trains isn't the most mentally stimulating part of my day either) but exactly what JJ said.  Earn your stripes.  BE the parent you want to be, don't phone it in.  

 

It's moot anyway b/c since we talked he is for sure changing.  He has taken the kids on a walk so I could run, taken Nora out shopping on his own, cleaned up the house on Friday when I was out running errands all day.  It's so nice.  I feel like I'm not the only person in the house anymore!  I walk into the kitchen and someone else has done dishes.  It's amazing and I love it.  I think slowly my walls are coming down, brick by brick.  smile.gif

 

Ethan is so wise! Ha!  That's great!

 

I was on a bunch of different antidepressants thru my 20s and finally, after trying a few, the one that worked best for me was Effexor.  Everyone is different.  Give this one a shot, but ultimately if you feel like you aren't your self, or can't sleep, or feel itchy to get out of your skin, you can try a different combination.  I'm so glad though you have more support with your mom.  Excellent news.  hug2.gif

 

AFM - Finn was so restless last night!  And the night before, tbh.  Just wiggly, and floppy, and constantly moving and what not.  (Kind of like how Dylan must be sometimes...)  Which is not like Finn.  He's normally a passed out cold sort of baby.  Mama needs more coffee!!  And hopefully, since there's no shopping to do today, I can nap with him midday while Nora is at school.  If not, there's always more coffee!

 

Our seeds all sprouted!  I have to look up when to transplant them.  I want to get them in pots before we leave for Disneyworld.  (in EIGHT DAYS!! joy.gif)


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#21 of 213 Old 05-07-2012, 05:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I swear, you guys seem to misunderstand what I say a lot. smile.gif I must not be very good at expressing my thoughts. Or maybe I missed the important point of what Carrie was saying about being angry that Chris said that. I said I didn't seen anything wrong with him saying he's bored. I didn't say that was an acceptable reason not to pay attention to the kids. I think it's important for spouses/partners to be able to express negative feelings about their kids with each other without fear of being judged or attacked for it.

If he says he's bored, maybe he needs some ideas of things to do with her. Or, maybe he feels uncomfortable doing things with her because she's a girl. I think a lot of men have that problem. They can be rough and tumble with their boys but don't think they can do that with girls. I think a lot of times they aren't even aware that they are making the distinction. I'm not good at playing so I follow my boys' lead. A lot of times they tell me exactly what to say and do and I just copy them. They don't seem to mind. I feel really awkward and stupid trying to come up with imaginative play on my own and then I don't want to do it because I don't want to look stupid or silly. Maybe Chris needs to hear that it's ok for him to follow Nora's lead and ask her what she wants him to do.

And, yes, I do tell my boys when I'm bored. I don't say I'm bored with them. I say I'm bored with whatever we are doing and ask if they want to do something else. One thing I cannot do with them is play video games. I do not like doing that. For one, I can't figure out how to work one of the controllers, too many buttons on every surface. lol.gif Second, I get too hyped up and don't like the way I feel physically. I don't do well with competition. So, I tell them I will sit with them while they play. I will try to pay attention long enough to watch them. I will listen to them tell me all about the game (even though I have no idea what they are talking about most of the time). But I will not play with them.

I've taken Zoloft off and on for many years now. It works for me. I've tried many other drugs. I can't remember the first few because that was 27 years ago. (Holy cow!) Wellbutrin and Lexapro made me feel the way you described, JJ. I actually ended up in the ER for heart palpitations because of Wellbutrin before anyone told me that was a s/e. The one time I took Lexapro it kept me up all night. I refused to take it again.

I'm debating what to do about the dosing. The doctor said to take 25 mg a day for the first week and then go to 50 mg the 2nd week and stay there until I can see him again. But it takes at least 2 weeks to start to feel the full effects of it so I'm thinking maybe I'll stay on 25 mg for 2 weeks just to see. I'd prefer to be on the lowest dose possible and I think 50 mg was the highest I took before. I've only been on it for 5 days and I've been sleeping a lot better. I feel much better during the day, more energy or at least motivation to do things, better able to pay attention to my kids and what they are saying. I don't know if that's from the meds or from being here. All I know is that I feel like I can breathe again. I've realized one of the huge differences about being with my mom with my kids and being with Sean. My mom really seems to enjoy having the kids around and doing things for them. Sean always seemed annoyed.

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#22 of 213 Old 05-07-2012, 10:00 AM
 
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I've been following along, but not posting much. Not much new with us.

 

MW: I am so glad between the change of scene and the addition of meds that you are feeling much better. I am with you though, if the lowest dose makes life that much easier and seems to help, why bump it up?

 

Didn't know so many were on anti deppressants. I sincerely hope I never need them (though I am glad they help those that do need them).

 

Re: Play - generally I follow Gabe's lead, but I do lead him sometimes, like with playdough. when I first handed him some, he was like, WTF? so I showed him how to roll balls and make snakes, "cut" it with a blunt knife, etc, and now he loves it and tries new things with it. No, it's not very exciting stuff, most of the time. TBH, 9/10 times, I do hang back, play on my iPhone, and only get involved when he asks me to. Not because it's that boring, or whatever, but because I love watching him discover things on his own.  I only take major issue with DH (or MIL, etc) doing the same if Gabe is ASKING them to play and they are like. . . .wait a minute, or a few minutes, let me do x (which is usually singularly unimportant) first, or the worst - not right now .. .I mean, seriously, get off your butt and play. Which doesn't happen as much anymore, but when it does, really irks me.

 

we are so busy with everything . . .DH is wavering between the place he's doing massage now, and going to work for a friend whose vision for her business more closely models his own, and who is 10 minutes closer to home, if not more . . . I just want him to be happy wherever he chooses.


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#23 of 213 Old 05-07-2012, 11:43 AM
 
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With multiple kids in my house, I have a different view of playtime. If they are engaged in something which means they are not actively engaged in a fight, either verbal or physical, with a sibling, then I have ZERO problem encouraging their play for hours! It's not boring to me, it's a break from the chaos! I'll do just about anything they ask me to do if it keeps the bickering at a minimum. I hate BICKERING! Usually though my kids just need to know that I'm available for play. They don't actually want me to sit there the whole time with them. And since there are so many of them, I can't play video games with them for hours because we all have to take turns. So I'll do a few songs on Rock Band and then share with another kid. Honestly though I don't mind playing with them. Especially when they were younger, I would buy toys that I liked too! One Christmas, I got DSD 13 a Playmobil doll house. DH joked that he wasn't sure who enjoyed it more, me or DSD! The one thing I hate doing but that they love to do is play board games. But I try to make an effort to say yes at least some of the time that they invite me to play. Because honestly there are a lot of times where I feel like I'm just ignored and treated like the maid in the house. So when they "notice" me and ask me to play, I want to be able to say yes. Even if it's Apples to Apples which they love and makes me want to poke my eyes out!

 

We finished DD's baptism yesterday. Whew! It was fun but a busy day. DD did great. She truly loves people. Like zero stranger anxiety. But she seems to have a pretty good internal judgement of who is a reasonable person. She doesn't go to everyone. But she LOVES the attention. She was so tired but as long as people were paying attention to her, she was all smiles. Everyone kept remarking how happy she is. I'd love to say that it's because we practice AP but I know that isn't the magical solution. I think there are plenty of babies whose parents practice AP that are not attention whores like DD appears to be! Hahaha! I shouldn't be surprised. DH has never met a stranger and it appears that DD hasn't either. Strangers are just new friends to her!

 

I want to get that new book that I posted the link to on FB but I need to wait for pay day...another week! Boo!
 


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#24 of 213 Old 05-07-2012, 12:57 PM
 
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I get what you're saying, mw, I do.  I guess I just disagree - I don't think it's cool to tell the kids you're bored and don't want to play with them.  I think it's fine to maybe see if you could find something you all agree on (at least most of the time) but it just feels mean!  If I want to do something and Chris says to me, "Ugh, do I have to?  That's boring."  It hurts my feelings.  Even if it's a movie I want to see that he hasn't read the book for.  Or even if it's something that just interests me, I would like for him to make an effort.

Also he said it within earshot of Nora and...well...that bugs me.

Maybe it's assigning grown up feelings to a child, but I just think it would make the child feel bad to constantly be told what they like to do is boring. greensad.gif

 

I'm reading a great parenting book for the preschooler-age child.  It's called How to Behave So Your Preschooler Will Too. , and has so much information on really how to talk to them and capture their attention.  There is no behavior modification, mw, really just learning how to communicate with them so you yourself do not get frustrated and flip out.  I'm employing so many of the techniques and already - my stress level is so much lower!

 

I also bought the Mayim Bialik book, Lauri!  I had to, it just looks so good!  So now I'm reading THREE books!  LOL!  Mockingjay, and those two!

 

I started counting WW points again on Saturday.  Wow.  I was really overeating!  I've already lost about 3 lbs - crazy.  It's water, I know, but still - 3 lbs down is 3 lbs down!  I'm 139 and I really hope that is the LAST i see of those damn 140s!  I'm hoping to keep going until vacation and then we'll see how I do on the trip.  I'm not paying, just doing it by memory.

 

Lauri - so cute "attention whore"!  LOL!!  Finn is the opposite.  The sight of a stranger and his lip goes out and he starts frantically looking for me or clinging to me!  He warms up pretty fast but he is just very socially shy!  I secretly love it.  


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#25 of 213 Old 05-07-2012, 01:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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IDK, Annie, I think you can take credit for a lot of her happiness thanks to AP. I get comments all the time about how happy and smiley Dylan is. I was talking to my mom about it last night because her boyfriend commented on it (again). I asked them if it was unusual for a baby to be happy because I get so many comments about it with Dylan. Seems normal to me but it's not, necessarily. My mom agreed that it has a lot to do with how a baby is treated. She says in her experience a lot of people don't do things like pick a baby, even a very young baby, up right away when they start fussing. They think they are disciplining the baby but it has the opposite effect. The less the baby is picked up, the more fussy the baby is. Of course, that's all in general terms. There are exceptions.

Carrie ~ Did Nora ask Chris to play and he told her he didn't want to because he was bored? Or, did he just tell you he was bored? I don't see those as the same thing. I'm also not advocating telling a child you are bored with whatever they are doing all the time. If you do say yes and play and pay attention most of the time, the child will be a lot more understanding, a lot less likely to be hurt, those times when you say no. I can see how it would be a problem if Chris ignored Nora and said he was bored every time she asked for his attention. I didn't see that in what you described, though.

I think you have to be very careful about projecting your feelings onto your child. Watch the child for a reaction. If she's fine playing by herself while Chris sits there, I think that's fine. Like Kat said, it's good sometimes to sit on the sidelines and just let kids play. You can be available and pay attention without constantly being actively involved.

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#26 of 213 Old 05-07-2012, 01:32 PM
 
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He told me he was bored.

 

Maybe now that I reflect on the situation, it wasn't as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be.  

He didn't say it to her, but she was right there.  She could hear him.  She was playing in her sandbox.  They hear *everything* even when you think they aren't listening, so I try to be careful of what I, myself, say within earshot.

 

Idk.  I think it's a sad, sad image when I look outside and she is playing by herself and he is sitting there buried in his phone.  I see that as the future, with how technology is.  I dont want us all sitting in the same room staring at screens.  I want interaction, talking.  That's not to say people can't ever relax or use computers or phones, that's not realistic.  But...idk.  I need to develop these thoughts more I suppose.

 

I agree about the happy baby comments.  I get them all the time, and I did for Nora was she was an infant too.  I think AP does play a HUGE role in how their demeanor is.


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#27 of 213 Old 05-07-2012, 04:56 PM
 
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Maybe it is because of the AP? I feel bad sometimes because one of my friends that has a 2 year old is always commenting about how happy DD is. They did sleep training/CIO w/the 2 yr old and they are not very responsive to him until he reaches maximum scream levels. So he's always crying/screaming about something. He's just not a happy kid. I don't really recall a time when he was happy. Even as a tiny baby, he would be screaming his head off and I could tell he was WAY overstimulated and his dad would be in his face doing all kinds of silly stuff trying to get him to stop crying. And he would just scream more. And DD is just so chill when we are out and thrives on the stimulus and attention. She has her moments but it's when we're home alone and she's tired or whatever. And it doesn't last long because I can usually figure out something to get her to stop crying. I just wonder how much personality plays in to it you know?

 

I don't think I would tell the kids if an activity was boring me. Because I don't like it when they tell me that something I want them to do is boring them. It hurts my feelings like Baby_Cakes said and it also feels rude to me when they say it. So I usually try to find another emotion that also describes how I'm feeling. If the video game is stressing me out or making me motion sick, then I say that. If I am stressing because I really need to get laundry/dishes/etc. done instead of playing a board game, then I say that. I think that my kids use the catch-phrase "bored/boring" too easily and they don't give new activities a chance before they label it as "boring".
 


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#28 of 213 Old 05-07-2012, 05:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, they do hear everything and I do think it's important to watch what we say in front of them. But I think it's just as important to watch how they react to situations rather than just assuming they would react/feel the same way I do. KWIM?

I don't get up upset when my kids tell me they are bored if they truly are. It does bother me when they say something is going to be boring before they even try it. Ethan has started doing that whenever I come up with something for us to do, like going to Fort Macon. He didn't want to go. He swore he was going to be sooooooo bored! Once we got there he had a lot of fun running around pretending like he was in the Civil War. So, yeah, I get not wanting to get into that back and forth with the kids but I do want my kids to be honest with me. If they really don't like doing something, I want them to feel safe telling me without having to worry about hurting my feelings. My feelings are my responsibility, not my kids'.

I think personality can play into how much AP-type attention a baby/child needs. That's what AP is about, though, responding to the needs of each, individual child. Then the personality doesn't matter so much because each one is getting what s/he needs.

I got a 2 hour nap this evening. Crazy! Dylan, Kellen and I all took a nap together. Kellen is sick. He's had a fever hovering around 103 since yesterday. I noticed him feeling hot the day before but he said he felt fine so I didn't worry about it. Yesterday and last night it was high, though. He threw up twice, too. He seemed better today but then felt hot again after the nap. I can't believe I'm not totally worn out by it but I'm not. It's all good.

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#29 of 213 Old 05-07-2012, 06:21 PM
 
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I get what you are saying MW, but I also think that "bored/boring" is such a generic word. I feel like my kids use it way too much and it's not their true feeling. They may be tired, or hungry or we're watching/doing something that's not interesting to them but it all gets wrapped up under the word "bored". And I guess the way they say it sounds so rude to me. Like not only is the activity boring to them but also my company is boring to them. Does that make sense? I know this is a bit different than what we started talking about but it's the background for why I try to find different words. And really, I'd like to model to them that there are some things that may be boring but if you enjoy the people you are with, you can still have fun. Or sometimes you do an activity that may not be the most fun thing you've ever done but you do it because a person you love is asking you to do it and you love them so you do it.
 


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#30 of 213 Old 05-08-2012, 04:17 AM
 
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Gabe isn't feeling so well either, don't know what's up - very low grade temp (99.9) and sleepy, no appetite. He ate yesterday: one bite of watermelon, a go-gurt, one shrimp, one piece of sausage, and some ice cream. He's still drinking plenty. He just seems really sad. It's shakeable (I can get him a little cheered up) but generally sad.

 

Bored/Boring. My kids are little, nearly everything they do is kinda boring (I don't really love making 5 dozen play dough snakes) play wise, but I do it because they want me too. I don't say I'm bored, but once he's wrapped up in an activity enough to do it independently I run like hell (well sit back and play the iphone, or start working on something nearby) But I agree, I really dislike the term Bored/Boring - it almost always comes from a rude place.

 

My sister's friend is kinda AP (we haven't really talked about it) but she baby wears, breast feeds . . . not sure about where baby sleeps . . . but she wears her in a RS alot. And that baby is super clingy and fussy. My sister and her friends have a competition going about how long one of them can hold the baby before she cries, it's like 30 some odd seconds. I tell you, she (my sister) is continually surprised at how the opposite of that Norah is. She's pretty happy with anybody holding her (but looks for me), can play on the floor by herself for a while, etc - she's just such an easy, happy baby. I think the way we parent enhances or brings out her personality that much more. I also think that if my sister's friend wasn't doing some AP stuff, that their baby would be way fussier and less happy.


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