Adult only wedding and I have a newborn.... WWYD? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 14 Old 06-03-2012, 06:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was invited to a friend's wedding that is in early August.  Dd will be just shy of 3 months then.  I'd love to go, but am hesitant to leave her for so long. It's a 2:00 wedding and about an hour drive from here.  With the wedding and reception, even leaving early, we'd probably be out until 8:00 so would be away for awhile.  We  would most likely drive to my ILs and have them babysit my two older kids so then we wouldn't have to leave as early for the wedding (maybe 1:30 or a little before) and then we could pick dd up after.  I just hate to leave her for that long when she is so little. I will have gone back to work by then, but am planning to work in shorter spurts (4 or so hours at a time) rather than a long day so if I went to the wedding, that would be the longest I've been away from her. 

 

Reasons I want to go:

 

I LOVE weddings. Love what it celebrates, love the food, love dancing.  

 

It's not a good friend of mine, but one I met years ago at the church group where I met dh. I'm happy for her that she was able to meet someone and is getting married.

 

It will be nice to see our friends that we don't normally see.  

 

It might be nice to have a date night with dh.

 

 

Reasons I don't want to go:

 

I feel bad leaving her for so long.  I'd miss her.  :(

 

I'm afraid I'd worry about her and not have a good time.

 

I'm afraid she won't be good with bottles (my ds refused them and when I worked 6-8 hours he would eat nothing and be starving until I got home). I hate to willingly do that to dd.  

 

I'd have to pump. I wouldn't be able to go 8 hours without pumping and I'm not sure where I'd pump at a wedding.  

 

Because it's far and late, we'd either have to pick up the kids at the ILs and then head home late (when the kids are super fussy) or stay at their house, which is uncomfortable (their mattress is horrible!).  

 

 

 

 

So, what do you think? What would you do?  Oh, and should I ask to make sure she's not invited? I'm assuming not (the invite was just addressed to mr and mrs. and I asked a good friend of hers and she said that she doesn't think kids are invited, except for kids in their family).  Is it rude to ask?  I don't want to put her on the spot, especially if it's pretty obvious kids are not invited.  

 
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#2 of 14 Old 06-03-2012, 06:38 PM
 
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I don't think it's rude to ask, I would. Often, "adults only" includes babes in arms. So if you had, say, a 10 mo, then definitely not, but a little one is usually acceptable. Just sit where you can get out easily and discreetly if you have to.


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#3 of 14 Old 06-03-2012, 06:48 PM
 
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Since you're just assuming from the invite and a friend that it's adults only, I'd go ahead and ask the bride first. Just say that you'd really love to come, but you do have a newborn and wanted to see if it would be an issue to bring her as you're not ready to be away from her for long stretches yet. You can point out that you aren't bringing your older children. If they say no, then don't go. 

 

I have no issue with adults only weddings or events, but I have had brides be angry when I RSVP that I'm not attending and they call and demand to know why. (I never say why, because I think it's rude to say and rude to ask why.) One friend, R, has still not let it go, about how I must consider another friend, A, so much dearer a friend, because I attended A's whole wedding weekend and only the service for R's, not even the reception. I said, point blank, "Actually, it's simply that A's wedding was 'children welcome' and yours was 'no children allowed.'" Everyone is certainly welcome to the wedding they want, but guests are also welcome to decline attending.


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#4 of 14 Old 06-03-2012, 07:49 PM
 
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Where is the wedding taking place? Perhaps it would be possible to have daughter with a sitter nearby or onsite (for instance in a room if the wedding is in a hotel) and then you could sneak out to nurse her from time to time.

I personally do think it's rude to ask the bride directly, unless she is a very close friend or family member. Another option would be to RSVP no with a handwritten note on the response card, something like, "Wish we could be there for your special day! DD will be just 3mos old and nursing, so it's not possible to be away from her for any length of time. We know you'll make a lovely bride and wish you and DF a wonderful wedding."

Reading that, if she has no issue with the baby's presence, she can extend an invitation that includes her...
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#5 of 14 Old 06-04-2012, 08:24 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chenchen View Post

I personally do think it's rude to ask the bride directly, unless she is a very close friend or family member. 

Unless I'm close enough to the bride or the groom to ask them questions directly, I wouldn't go anyway with or without kids. But if it's not someone you're close enough to ask, I think the mother of the bride is the right person to ask. 


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#6 of 14 Old 06-04-2012, 10:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jess in hawaii View Post

I don't think it's rude to ask, I would. Often, "adults only" includes babes in arms. So if you had, say, a 10 mo, then definitely not, but a little one is usually acceptable. Just sit where you can get out easily and discreetly if you have to.

 

I would also get clarification, either from the bride or the MIB as another poster suggested.  Sometimes the venue actually has no children allowed, other times the bride & groom have other reasons (the catering charges adult prices for all attending, for example; there is not room at the venue to envite all children; they don't want small children runing around).  If the venue accepts children then non-mobile children are often welcome.


 

 

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#7 of 14 Old 06-04-2012, 11:16 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by callieollie View Post

I was invited to a friend's wedding that is in early August.  Dd will be just shy of 3 months then.  I'd love to go, but am hesitant to leave her for so long. It's a 2:00 wedding and about an hour drive from here.  With the wedding and reception, even leaving early, we'd probably be out until 8:00 so would be away for awhile.  We  would most likely drive to my ILs and have them babysit my two older kids so then we wouldn't have to leave as early for the wedding (maybe 1:30 or a little before) and then we could pick dd up after.  I just hate to leave her for that long when she is so little. I will have gone back to work by then, but am planning to work in shorter spurts (4 or so hours at a time) rather than a long day so if I went to the wedding, that would be the longest I've been away from her. 

 

Reasons I want to go:

 

I LOVE weddings. Love what it celebrates, love the food, love dancing.  

 

It's not a good friend of mine, but one I met years ago at the church group where I met dh. I'm happy for her that she was able to meet someone and is getting married.

 

It will be nice to see our friends that we don't normally see.  

 

It might be nice to have a date night with dh.

 

 

Reasons I don't want to go:

 

I feel bad leaving her for so long.  I'd miss her.  :(

 

I'm afraid I'd worry about her and not have a good time.

 

I'm afraid she won't be good with bottles (my ds refused them and when I worked 6-8 hours he would eat nothing and be starving until I got home). I hate to willingly do that to dd.  

 

I'd have to pump. I wouldn't be able to go 8 hours without pumping and I'm not sure where I'd pump at a wedding.  

 

Because it's far and late, we'd either have to pick up the kids at the ILs and then head home late (when the kids are super fussy) or stay at their house, which is uncomfortable (their mattress is horrible!).  

 

 

 

 

So, what do you think? What would you do?  Oh, and should I ask to make sure she's not invited? I'm assuming not (the invite was just addressed to mr and mrs. and I asked a good friend of hers and she said that she doesn't think kids are invited, except for kids in their family).  Is it rude to ask?  I don't want to put her on the spot, especially if it's pretty obvious kids are not invited.  

 

 

Random thoughts - could you pump in the car?  I used to pump in the car when I worked.

 

Based on the fact that the invitation was addressed to just the two adults and a close friend said she didn't think children were included, I would not ask the bride.  You might be putting her on the spot.  If you want a second opinion, is there another close friend or family member you could approach?  

 

I like this suggestion  -

 

 "Wish we could be there for your special day! DD will be just 3mos old and nursing, so it's not possible to be away from her for any length of time. We know you'll make a lovely bride and wish you and DF a wonderful wedding."


Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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#8 of 14 Old 06-04-2012, 11:29 AM
 
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I wouldn't do it. You'll have the chance to enjoy lots of adults only events when your baby is older, and that is just a really long time to be separated from a three month old.


Susan -- married unschoolin' WAHMomma to two lovely girls (born 2000 and 2005).
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#9 of 14 Old 06-04-2012, 11:43 AM
 
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I'd ask someone about their "babe in arms" policy. Might turn out to be a non-issue and not a problem. Just leave the ceremony, go out for a walk, when/if your babe is crying. When I got married, all our friends were either still single, or had no kids, so I didn't even think about it. But I would have said "adults only", only because I was clueless about kids, pre-kids. I agree that everyone is allowed to have the wedding of their choice, and everyone is allowed to decline, for whatever reason, as long as they are polite about it. And having a child is a good reason, even if the people that are getting married do not yet "get it."

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#10 of 14 Old 06-07-2012, 04:43 PM
 
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I think it is okay to ask briefly and without drama. Some...some people make exceptions for babies. And if it is not okay then you make a choice and are happy with it.

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#11 of 14 Old 06-07-2012, 06:05 PM
 
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I'd send a nice gift and stay home.

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#12 of 14 Old 06-07-2012, 06:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I ended up asking the bride and she said that nursing babies are very welcome. So we'll have my two older two stay with my ILs and dh and I will go with the baby.  Dh doesn't like weddings (hates dressing up, dancing) so it will be a good excuse for him to escape for a bit with the baby and play on his ipod while I have fun dancing.  :)  

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#13 of 14 Old 06-08-2012, 09:05 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by callieollie View Post

Well, I ended up asking the bride and she said that nursing babies are very welcome. So we'll have my two older two stay with my ILs and dh and I will go with the baby.  Dh doesn't like weddings (hates dressing up, dancing) so it will be a good excuse for him to escape for a bit with the baby and play on his ipod while I have fun dancing.  :)  

 

joy.gif  So glad it turned out that way!  Hope you all have a great time.


 

 

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#14 of 14 Old 06-14-2012, 12:34 PM
 
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hey that sounds like such a winner. everyone having their own fun time. i am sure the older ones enjoyed their time with gparents. 


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