Child getting bitten at daycare - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 20 Old 06-04-2012, 06:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We have started a small cooperative childcare with several other families.

We have an almost 3 yr old DD.

One of the other kids, who will be 2 yrs old in the fall, is a biter/pincher/grabber right now.

There are not really any signs that she will bite. It isn't out of frustration or over stimulation or anything aparent. She is just going through a biting stage and finds it fun right now.

 

We totally understand it is a stage, not done maliciously, and does not make the child bad. We do understand it is a stage that she will (hopefully soon) grow out of.

 

The issue is, my DD is getting bit. A few weeks ago she got bit on the arm so hard that it broke the skin a bit and left a bruise that lasted a week. Today she got bit on the face this morning. And by this evening you can still see distinct bite marks in the shape of a mouth!

 

How do we a) make sure kids get bit less; b) make my DD want to still be her friend and play with her and not just get scared of her or think shes a bad kid?

 

Our DD is very intelligent, very verbal, can be reasoned with. She is not aggressive. But she is still only just turning three. I just don't want her to lash out, think of the other kid as bad, or stop wanting to play with the other kid.

 

Edited to add:

the biter is watched quite closely. That is why she only gets her teeth into another kid about once or twice a week. Otherwise it would be 5-10 times a day. She really is quite an active biter/pincher at this stage.


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#2 of 20 Old 06-04-2012, 06:15 PM
 
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I would be really mad about the bite on the face.  I wouldn't do anything about it, but I'd be at home very upset about it.

 

It sounds like the preschool is doing what they can for now.  Short of dropping her.  

 

I would tell your daughter that it's ok to stay away from her for a while.  Teach her to say "no bite!" to the child.  At almost two, the little girl understands "No bite!"  

 

Practice using her serious voice.  The whiney "nooo biiiiiite" voice just invites it.  But, a firm serious voice will make the girl stop.    Even toddlers love a good victim, so make sure your daughter has practiced her firm voice.  

 

Also, the long winded "We don't bite... biting hurts, see how you bit?  That hurts poor victim" is lost on the biter.  They enjoy the extra attention, but they don't listen past "we".  The rest is the voice of the teacher in the peanuts cartoon. 

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#3 of 20 Old 06-04-2012, 06:28 PM
 
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I work in a toddler room and giving the biter a frozen teething ring in the morning and afternoon helps a lot. When biting happens I typically tell the child biting hurts and to walk away then I turn my attention to the child who was bit and fuss over them. Walking away is very very effective with this age group especially if they see the child they hurt getting the attention. VIf there is a child who is bit a lot you should also watch them to see why.

I am.not sure how to encourage your dd to like and play with this child. The age difference is extreme and it is unlikely the child will do any cooperative play at this age in any case so she probably won't notice if your dd doesn't play with her. Toddlers tend to play next to each other and do some imitating.
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#4 of 20 Old 06-04-2012, 09:22 PM
 
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My dd had a serious biting problem between the ages of 18 months and 3.5 years.  I finally ended up buying a book on Amazon called No Biting: Policy and Practice for Toddler Programs.  She wasn't in daycare, but the book is written for childcare providers.  It is a fabulous book--imagine an 85-page book all about how to deal with biting in young children... you can imagine just how thorough this book is!  It was absolutely worth the money and it actually helped me find a solution to my dd's biting problem, which I had been trying for several years to fix.

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#5 of 20 Old 06-05-2012, 06:50 AM
 
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The issue is, my DD is getting bit. A few weeks ago she got bit on the arm so hard that it broke the skin a bit and left a bruise that lasted a week. Today she got bit on the face this morning. And by this evening you can still see distinct bite marks in the shape of a mouth!

 

How do we a) make sure kids get bit less; b) make my DD want to still be her friend and play with her and not just get scared of her or think shes a bad kid?

 

Our DD is very intelligent, very verbal, can be reasoned with. She is not aggressive. But she is still only just turning three. I just don't want her to lash out, think of the other kid as bad, or stop wanting to play with the other kid.

 

 

 

Honestly, if your DD is scared of the biter and doesn't want to play with her, it's completely understandable and reasonable.  I'd be afraid of getting bit by this kid, but as an adult, I've got the resources to deal with it.  IMO, persuading your DD to ignore her instincts to protect herself from physical abuse is a bad message. 

 

I wouldn't "make" your DD want to be her friend and play with the child who bites. At least, not until the biting stops and it's safe for her. I would keep explaining that the other child isn't bad and I would avoid any kind of blaming, shaming or negativity about the other child - it sounds like you are already doing that. 

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#6 of 20 Old 06-05-2012, 09:31 AM
 
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If my child had been bitten by another child several times, I would either remove my child from this daycare or request that the other child was removed.

 

WHY does your dd HAVE to be friends with a child that hurts her????  Would you stick around with someone that hurt you?  I doubt it, so don't force your child to do the same.

 

Placing a child in an environment where she is at risk for injury is a no-brainer.  Don't do it.

 

One child or the other has to go.

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#7 of 20 Old 06-05-2012, 12:40 PM
 
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Also, the long winded "We don't bite... biting hurts, see how you bit?  That hurts poor victim" is lost on the biter.  They enjoy the extra attention, but they don't listen past "we".  The rest is the voice of the teacher in the peanuts cartoon. 

 

I agree. Tell the biter, No bite! very firmly, pick up your dd and ignore the biter for a few minutes. Have the other parents follow suit.

 

Also, at 2, is she getting her 2yo molars? Those are torture, and if she's teething is probably in pain - give her some cold teethers to bite on.

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#8 of 20 Old 06-05-2012, 05:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well. We don't want to make our kid play with the other child. I guess it came across wrong.

 

While the kid is a biter, we have told our DD to stay away from her and also not allow this child to give her a kiss. This is how she got bit on the face, she thought the other kid wanted to give her a kiss.

What I meant to ask was how do we convey to our child that this other child is going through a stage and won't always bite so that she doesn't just get it in her head the other kid is bad but at the same time not send a message that we condone biting or want her to put up with it. We would also like our kid to want to play with this other little girl later on, and not have this stage the kid is going through affect the way my DD see's her for the long term.

My child is very interested in actually playing with other children, including this kid. This other kid is only 1.75yrs old, and so isn't interested in actually playing with other children yet.

 

We are not interested in removing our child or having the other child removed. It is an intentional community of a few families that have gotten together and have created a daycare co-op. We have put a lot of work into it, as has the other families, and we are not going to break it up over a (hopefully short) stage that toddlers commonly go through. We are very happy with the ratio of 2 care providers for 5 children, very happy with the AP and gentle discipline values, very happy with the organic healthy food, the community, the play based care, etc.

We think there is way more chance out DD will have difficult relationships with other kids in a conventional childcare setting with 25-30 kids running around.


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#9 of 20 Old 06-05-2012, 05:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the book recommendation.

We are going to check it out.

 

Also, we are going to try the giving the bit child more attention and the biter less.

What has been happening is saying "Biting hurts. We do not hurt each other" in a serious and somewhat stern voice. Then the bitten child gets comforted and cuddled but then the biter does get a lot of attention because she is basically either put in a carrier or kept within arms length for quite some time.

 

My DD does yell "NO BITING" quite forcefully. And she is not the only kid bitten. Basically anyone near the kid when she has the urge to bite is a target.

The parents of the child are devastated and humiliated and feeling at a loss of how to make it stop.

 

Thank you for all the advice so far.


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#10 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 07:05 AM
 
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We think there is way more chance out DD will have difficult relationships with other kids in a conventional childcare setting with 25-30 kids running around.

 

The rest of what you posted is fine, but this is not what conventional daycares look like, although it is the impression one would get reading on MDC. My ds is in as much of a mainstream daycare as you could get, and his class is 14kids tops, with 2 teachers. Never is he in a group with 25 kids, ever. Next year he will be with 22 kids, but he will be in pre-school, not daycare, and there will be 3 adults.

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#11 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 08:07 AM
 
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We are not interested in removing our child or having the other child removed. It is an intentional community of a few families that have gotten together and have created a daycare co-op. We have put a lot of work into it, as has the other families, and we are not going to break it up over a (hopefully short) stage that toddlers commonly go through. We are very happy with the ratio of 2 care providers for 5 children, very happy with the AP and gentle discipline values, very happy with the organic healthy food, the community, the play based care, etc.

We think there is way more chance out DD will have difficult relationships with other kids in a conventional childcare setting with 25-30 kids running around.

 

I agree that it's premature to talk about leaving the daycare or removing the other child. It sounds like a lovely situation (other than the biting child), and it's reasonable to work on solutions. I have to agree with the pp that you are painting a bad picture of conventional childcare. Most places have regulated group/class sizes, particularly for toddlers under the age of 2.  A group size of 25 to 30 kids for that age range sounds like the regulations in your area need some attention. That's kind of an aside from your issue though.  

 

 

 

 

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Well. We don't want to make our kid play with the other child. I guess it came across wrong.

 

While the kid is a biter, we have told our DD to stay away from her and also not allow this child to give her a kiss. This is how she got bit on the face, she thought the other kid wanted to give her a kiss.

What I meant to ask was how do we convey to our child that this other child is going through a stage and won't always bite so that she doesn't just get it in her head the other kid is bad but at the same time not send a message that we condone biting or want her to put up with it. We would also like our kid to want to play with this other little girl later on, and not have this stage the kid is going through affect the way my DD see's her for the long term.

My child is very interested in actually playing with other children, including this kid. This other kid is only 1.75yrs old, and so isn't interested in actually playing with other children yet.

 

 

 

 

You are probably doing what you can to preserve the relationship between the children and there isn't a lot more you can do until the other child stops being a danger to your own. From what you've written, the issue isn't whether your DD wants to play and be friendly with this other child. It sounds like being bitten hasn't really dissuaded your DD, which says a lot about her forgiving nature. 

 

Sometimes you have to let relationships sort themselves out and there is no way to rush that along. When this other child matures a little, she'll stop biting and she'll want to play with the other children. In the meantime, a natural consequence of biting other kids is that those kids will avoid getting bitten again. At this point, it's a trust issue. The other children don't trust this child to not hurt them. When she can play without hurting them, they will begin to trust her again. At that age, memories are fairly short and it doesn't take long for them to recover and be friends again. It's not at all unusual for toddlers and pre-schoolers to have a different "best friend" every day of the week.  

 

FWIW, in situations like this, I've read that conventional daycares will assign an individual caregiver to supervise the biting child directly, as long as necessary until the biting behaviour stops. Sometimes a larger daycare can offer resources that aren't possible in a smaller setting. 

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#12 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 08:09 AM
 
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We knew a serious biter when ds was 3... She'd bite because she wanted space so I coached ds to give her space and not get too close to her. She wasn't verbal, she'd just lean or lunge and bite any child that got close. She also turned out to be an introvert, quite happy to be alone in a room to check out the toys rather than interact with other kids at a gathering. It could be this cooperative daycare situation isn't what that child needs right now if it is meant to be for socialization. If the parents need childcare, they might be better off with a sitter for the time being or in a situation where the other kids were significantly older and therefore not trying to use the same things because of the difference in age.


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#13 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 01:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I do not mean to insinuate anything wrong with conventional daycares or be insulting to anyone who uses them. It is just not something that we feel would be optimal for our family at this time...and we have the opportunity to try something different that may work better for us. 

My child is just about 3 years old, so would be in pre-school classes/ age range in conventional childcare. (Plus we do not even have the opportunity for conventional care because of waiting lists of 1-2years for a spot). 

We are interested in this cooperative model for many reasons. A big one being small class size and child to care-giver ratio. You can't beat 3:1 ratio. She went from at home care for the first almost 3 years, and so we wanted to start small groups as she is best in small social groups. 

 

We are going to try lessening opportunities for biting while at the same time actively creating opportunities for child-to-child play with object of limiting triggers for the biter. We will also wind down the day remembering the great events of the day to allow the kids an opportunity to remember/reflect on the fun they had. We will continue to guide the children to communicate with others ways in which they want to be treated by "sticking up for themselves" by using their words. 

 

Thanks for all of the input.

I will update on how it goes. 


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#14 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 04:56 PM
 
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It's really commendable how you are all working to find a solution for this problem. It's great that you are being so understanding about the child who is biting, as well as realistic about any expectations about her development through this stage. It's also important to be realistic about expectations for the reactions of the children, including your own child, who have to deal with being bitten. 

 

Sometimes, when we are dealing with very young infants and toddlers, we look at children who are just a year or two (or even just a few months) older and the difference in motor ability and language is so remarkable that we forget that they are still in very early developmental stages themselves. They seem like such "big kids", so we have inflated expectations of their cognitive and emotional levels.   

 

You can model forgiveness and encourage it, as well as encouraging friendship and positive methods for resolving conflict and that's ideal. However, those are all big expectations for children still mostly in the toddler stage. Heck, a lot of adults have trouble with these ideals. At the end of the day, they are still 2 year olds (and younger). Almost 3 is still 2, yk? If they are angry, scared, unhappy and resentful, those are all reasonable and appropriate emotions. In a push to forgive and forget and move on, it's important not to overlook the injured 2 y.o's need for security and acknowledge that they have good reasons not to trust until that trust has been earned back with good, non-injurious behaviour. 

 

Good luck, I hope this child grows out of the biting stage soon and you can all move on. Likely, once the biting stops, the other children will forget it was an issue and they will all play together happily. 

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I completely sympathize with your wanting to make this intentional community work out. However, if your daughter is getting bitten this often, her needs need to be considered more. She got bit hard enough to break skin and leave a bruise for a week..on her face! That must have been so painful for her. :( Your daughter has no choice in whether she is with this child or not, even if she feels completely unsafe with her. I would say you either need someone to be shadowing the biter 1:1 the entire time, or have the child withdraw from the co-op until she is past this stage. 


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#16 of 20 Old 06-06-2012, 10:43 PM
 
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Also, we are going to try the giving the bit child more attention and the biter less.

What has been happening is saying "Biting hurts. We do not hurt each other" in a serious and somewhat stern voice. Then the bitten child gets comforted and cuddled but then the biter does get a lot of attention because she is basically either put in a carrier or kept within arms length for quite some time.

 

The biter needs to be kept within arms reach all the time. For this kind of issue, PREVENTION is key. If she doesn't get the thrill of the bite, she'll give it up sooner. So, realistically, in addition to the other advice, she needs a 1:1 shadow until her biting is significantly down.

 

 

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Well. We don't want to make our kid play with the other child. I guess it came across wrong.

 

While the kid is a biter, we have told our DD to stay away from her and also not allow this child to give her a kiss. This is how she got bit on the face, she thought the other kid wanted to give her a kiss.

What I meant to ask was how do we convey to our child that this other child is going through a stage and won't always bite so that she doesn't just get it in her head the other kid is bad but at the same time not send a message that we condone biting or want her to put up with it. We would also like our kid to want to play with this other little girl later on, and not have this stage the kid is going through affect the way my DD see's her for the long term.

 

I think you may be over thinking this part. Your daughter is nearly 3. Memories aren't great at this age, and she may not remember the biting in a year, when this other child is more likely to want to play. She'll take much more from your reaction over the biting. And even if she doesn't like her much right now, that may change in a year. My dd is 8. At the beginning of the school year last year, she came home every day complaining about "this awful girl" who was "so bossy and mean". Guess who her favorite playmate is at school this year? My 8 year old has a very good memory. But her experiences and her willingness to play with this child changed. I've seen 3-4 year olds change who they play with hourly.


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#17 of 20 Old 06-07-2012, 01:18 AM
 
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I agree with PPs who've said the biter needs a 1:1 all the time until they've grown past this phase. Both to intervene before another child gets bittin and more importantly to watch and see if anything particular is prompting her to bite. Then you can start working on removing the triggers.

 

I know time outs are not always popular but for us biting/pinching have been one of the few times I have used them succesffully with my kids. If one of them bit they would be taken out of the room for a couple of minutes. For me putting the biter in a carrier and/or giving them 1:1 adult attention at that point is rewarding the biting with adult attention, especially if that means they get the attention of thier parent, who might otherwise be working with other kids. I also felt it was important for the child who'd been bitten to see the biter taken out, so they could see it wasn't acceptable and they would be kept safe.

 

When my kids got bitten/hit at playgroups I told them the other child was still learning how to play nicely. There definalty were times they said I don't want to play near x today as he/she bit me, but to me that is the consiquence of biting, not everyone wants to play with you! Yes at just under 2 they may not get that consiquence but my 4 year old did and to me it was important to respect that.

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#18 of 20 Old 06-21-2012, 07:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Things have been getting much better.

The biter has gotten a few smaller bites into some kids. But most of them are very much deflected.

Everybody has been on board with trying out techniques.

For one, the biter is watched much more closely and intercepted.

 

Also, got to know some of her triggers and have tried to lessen the triggers and help some of the older kids (like my DD) understand how to lessen triggers. For example, a big trigger is that she bites when needing her space. But she gives signs of needing space (she is not very verbal). So teaching the other kids to give her space when she shows those signs.

Another big trigger for her is when not being able to control play. For example, the day my DD got bot on the face, my DD was piling blocks and this other child was knocking them down. My DD piled them again and the other child knocked them down. My child piled them up again and the other child bit her. So the care givers are working on ways to give her times to control some things about play and the kids to take turns doing that.

 

This all has been coupled with telling her clearly and firmly that biting hurts and we do not hurt each other.

 

It seems to have been working.

She is trying to bite less...and the tries have been intercepted more.
 


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#19 of 20 Old 06-22-2012, 09:00 AM
 
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Thanks for the update. Sounds mostly positive! (A little concerned that some kids are still getting bitten, but overall sounds like the situation is improving....) smile.gif

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#20 of 20 Old 06-22-2012, 03:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, we all are concerned that there are a few bites still. But we are feeling very positive that we are on the right track.

The incidents are getting fewer and fewer as we get to know all of her triggers. (and how flexible she is. She got a bite in while in the double stroller, even though the two kids were sitting very far apart...now we have changed the way the seats face each other).


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