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#1 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 02:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My Husband has a bit of a problem drinking. Once in a while he will lose control and just drink way to much. He has never laid a hand on me before now. On May 31st my husband got drunk and started acting like someone I did not know. He wanted to take our van and go for a drive to get out of the house. I refused to let him and so he tried to push me out of the way. Well I called the cops so that it may be a wake up call for him. We have two children together. One is 2 1/2 and autistic the other is 1. The children were allowed to stay home with me.

 

I just wanted him to sober up and get help that he needs. They are trying to charge him with domestic abuse now. Cps came to our door the next day and I explained to them what happens and all he needs is just some help to stop drinking. He started AA two and half weeks ago on his own.  He is also not allowed to see my kids and I . I am so stressed out right now. My case worker even said there referring us to a different part of cps. They said he will have to get counseling, parenting classes, and AA possibly. I just want him back home not drinking. 

 

I am the main one working at the moment and I have to find someone to watch the kids that i trust.He usually stayed home with them and watched them. He has a lawyer and there trying to get all charges dropped right now.

 

Cps comes back tomorrow to set up the referral and I am just so lost at what is going on. Any help would be appreciated.
 

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#2 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 04:19 PM
 
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I'm sorry this is happening to you, mama.

 

You said that your husband had never been violent.  Would you say that he was violent or abusive on the night that you called the cops?  I am not sure about whether pushing you out of the way or attempting to push you out of the way might have not been a violent sort of thing or if it really crossed a line that was too much.  Have you had an opportunity to talk to the police or district attorney?  Is there any way to make it clear to them that this was about you wanting to give him a wake up call about the drinking rather than about a domestic violence situation (if that is the truth)?  

 

Many years ago I worked at a public defender organization for a summer, and the cases that we most dreaded were these  --  family members calling the police on other family members as a sort of wake up call (often parents who don't feel they could control their older children or spouses calling about substance abuse).  If someone is being abused then it is absolutely the right thing to do to call the police and get that abuser removed and the victim(s) protected, but if you call them because you want to make a point to your spouse or child, it is very hard to turn back when they start treating it as a domestic violence situation.  I wonder if your husband's lawyer could give you advice about whether or not its possible for you to amend your statement to the police or to add to it.  [ETA:  I'm not sure how ethical that would be, though, for your husband's lawyer to be talking to you about the case, you might need your own lawyer, but I would at least start by talking to him or having your husband talk to him just because he already knows the situation.]

 

Were the children present when the incident happened?  I am really surprised that cps would be so active about it.  I called cps on a friend of mine who beat her husband very badly (after ten years of beatings, she had come very close to blinding him in both eyes), cops had been to their house often because the neighbors could hear it, while her two little ones were of course in their beds listening.  And cps did NOTHING.  They interviewed the older child at school and then closed the case.  I had kind of assumed it was because cps didn't think it was their business if parents were hitting each other, only if a child was being hit.  

 

Anyway, my advice would be to do whatever you can to undo your complaint to the police, but only if there really, truly is no abuse in your household.  Do your friends and family feel good about your husband?  If you're feeling like he's not abusive but everyone you know thinks he is, please sit down with someone you trust and talk about it and really think about it because if there is abuse going on I would hate to see you lose this opportunity to turn things around and raise your children in a healthier environment.  


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#3 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 04:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I tried to talk to the detective who had my case and he refused to change the report at all. He said that it is to late and all victims do it. My children were present at the time as well. I told cps all he needed was this to wake him up. His drinking has been getting worse and worse. He has never laid a hand on me but this time and i broke my toe when he did push me. (something fell on it). If he would of left me alone after the incident happened I may not of called. I waited 2 hours to call. He continued to come into the bedroom where I was with the children and threaten to take them away from me. I cant live without my kids and it scared me. His lawyer made me sign a paper saying I do not want to prosecute or testify against him. The thing that is upsetting me the most is cps is referring our case because they say we have seen several like this and once a abuser always a abuser. It is not like that at all.

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#4 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 05:37 PM
 
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Hmmm...  Did his lawyer make you sign the paper?  Like, you didn't want to but you did it anyway?  That sounds a little sketchy.  But maybe it will mean something in a criminal prosecution  --  although what the police said about all the victims wanting to change their story sounds true, too, so I wonder what a court will do with that...  

 

Anyway...  I do think you should think hard about whether it really is appropriate for the police and cps to be involved given what happened.  If you were feeling scared for two hours and he was saying things like that in front of your children, that sounds pretty harsh.  

 

I don't know anything about a referral.  Do you know what it means?  Who are they referring your case to?  Is it possible they're just referring it to someone who'll be checking in with your husband and getting him services and making sure that he's following through with them?  Hopefully it's not as bad as you're fearing.  And hopefully it will be a wake-up call for your dh and you guys will be able to move forward and have a better time of it.  


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#5 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 05:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They said it is to a diffident part of cps. They may require me to do parenting classes and counseling. I am hoping it will not be that bad though. He is trying to get the help he needs right now. It has been three weeks since he has seen or heard from the kids. Even if he tried to call to talk to them they cant really talk back. My one year old is still learning to talk and my 2 1/2 year old says a few words here and there. The case worker mentioned that there is a chance they wont help me and im worried if they dont then he cant come back home. I know they want him to take anger managment which i feel there is no need for it at all. He rarely has a temper.The lawyer asked me to sign it. I want to drop all charges. The lawyer said that since it was just a push there is a good chance they wont prosecute him since i want to drop charges. It was just a push out of the way. I tried to get his mother to pick him up but she was to busy. He swears that he will never drink again. This is the longest he has been sober, so i really do believe him.

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#6 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 06:13 PM
 
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If your husband stops drinking because of this, that would be a great outcome.  I think the "once an abuser, always an abuser" thing may not apply to someone who's drinking and stops.  Not saying he's an abuser, but just that this kind of thing seems like it wouldn't happen without the drinking.  

 

I don't know much at all about cps, but I do think it's very unlikely that they could cut him off from his kids for very long without more than what's happened.  I would think they'd be required to let him know what he has to do to come back home in some kind of timely manner.  


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#7 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 06:22 PM
 
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He got the wake-up call that he needs. He now needs to get sober and work on himself. Can you honestly say he didn't ever drink when he was caring for the kids? If he was drinking while caring for your babies, he's not a child care provider that you can trust.

 

The cops will not rescind what they wrote because it was true at the time. A real pattern for abusers is to get their partner to recant so that they don't have to face the consequences. Courts are becoming wise to this, and once the statement is made, it's not able to be changed. Whether or not that leads to charges is another question. What will most likely happen is that the case will get passed onto the country/district attorney's office and they will decide whether to prosecute. Since it sounds like his first offense, chances are high that they will try a diversion program such as counseling and anger management. (I find the fact that his lawyer made you sign a piece of paper to be very slimy indeed.)

 

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I tried to talk to the detective who had my case and he refused to change the report at all. He said that it is to late and all victims do it. My children were present at the time as well. I told cps all he needed was this to wake him up. His drinking has been getting worse and worse. He has never laid a hand on me but this time and i broke my toe when he did push me. (something fell on it). If he would of left me alone after the incident happened I may not of called. I waited 2 hours to call. He continued to come into the bedroom where I was with the children and threaten to take them away from me. I cant live without my kids and it scared me. His lawyer made me sign a paper saying I do not want to prosecute or testify against him. The thing that is upsetting me the most is cps is referring our case because they say we have seen several like this and once a abuser always a abuser. It is not like that at all.

 

He continued to harass you for TWO hours while drunk? This sounds to me like he was wildly out of control. You did need someone to intervene for you that night. Were you safe in that house?

 

It sounds to me like CPS is not being completely evil over this. They didn't remove the kids. They're asking him to go to counseling, parenting classes and AA. That's what you want him to do, right? Yes, it sucks that he has to do it. It sucks that he can't be home. But right now, he is not stable. He needs to get stable before he can be trusted with the kids. I have no idea whether or not he's an abuser, and I couldn't judge over the internet. I do know, however, that if my husband had exhibited that behavior, I wouldn't trust him with the kids.

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#8 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 06:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I really hope your right. My youngest keeps asking for dada. And my oldest is for some reason not affected.  I am hoping they do tell him soon what he needs to do. If I have to pay for classes for him I will. Like i said though he has never hurt me other then this time while being drunk.  It was a mixture of the heat (its over 100 in tx already) and him being drunk. This incident has really opened his eyes which is great. I will keep you posted of what happens tomorrow morning.

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#9 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 06:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He has never drank any alchol while watching the kids. Its when I get off work he does.  And it i s not all the time either. I honestly want everything dropped and just for him to take aa.  I hate this situation badly.

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#10 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 06:48 PM
 
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I am sorry for the situation that you find yourself in, but the way you describe it sounds pretty extreme. Your husband is a drunk, and you are still making excuses for him. The police are concerned for YOUR safety, and CPS is concerned for your children's safety.  Abuse usually escalates, and many cases of spousal abuse start with pushing. The authorities have reacted the way they have because this is the beginning stages of a pattern they have seen over and over and over. They want to nip this in the bud, before they have to show up for an ambulance for you or one of the kids.

 

I suggest that you check out Al Anon. It's a support organization for people who have an alcoholic in their lives. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

 

Good luck.


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#11 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 07:49 PM
 
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That sounds like a hard situation but in many areas, mine included, cops and cps are getting involved because abused wives typically don't put their kids first and they do often keep letting the abuser back in their lives. It sounds like a scary thing for the kids to have to see. Kids are resilient but seeing an angry alcoholic regularly, whether he is violent or not, will have a toll in the long term. I second the al-anon suggestion. It is important that you set up firm boundaries to protect your kids from some of the hidden costs of living with someone who is ruled by an addiction.
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#12 of 25 Old 06-17-2012, 10:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thats the thing. I am putting my kids first. If I did not I would not of called the cops. He is seeking the treatment he needs. He usually drinks 3 times a week but in three weeks he has drank nothing. He says He realizes what he has lost and wants to get everything back to what it was but with no booze in the house at all.

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#13 of 25 Old 06-18-2012, 05:01 PM
 
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Thats the thing. I am putting my kids first. If I did not I would not of called the cops. He is seeking the treatment he needs. He usually drinks 3 times a week but in three weeks he has drank nothing. He says He realizes what he has lost and wants to get everything back to what it was but with no booze in the house at all.

 

Having no booze in the house will not stop him from being an alcoholic. He needs to figure out WHY he drinks and how he can control it. He needs to figure out what he needs to do to stay sober. Not just now, when he's had the heck scared out of him, but later, when things are back in their routine and hard.

 

Things should not go back to the way they were. They should get better. I'm sorry you're in the middle of this and that he's an alcoholic. But you can't wave a magic wand and make the alcoholism disappear. HE needs to figure out how he can stay sober. YOU need to figure out what your boundaries are. You can't make him stop drinking, but you can figure out what you need. I second the idea of going to Al-Anon. You both need to learn about this disease and how it's affecting you, your kids and your relationship.


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#14 of 25 Old 06-19-2012, 11:28 AM
 
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sorry mama.

 

However I agree with the others.

 

Your partner has a serious problem and you can't be sure what your kids have seen and dealt with while you are at work.

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#15 of 25 Old 06-19-2012, 11:43 AM
 
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sorry mama.

 

However I agree with the others.

 

Your partner has a serious problem and you can't be sure what your kids have seen and dealt with while you are at work.

yeahthat.gif  You can't really know what he's like when he's alone with the kids.  And it sounds like your husband does have a real problem with alcohol - real problems with alcohol don't go away overnight.  Wake up calls are great - but this is something he is likely going to be battling the rest of his life, and I would in no way assume that the promises he is making now are going to stick.  No matter how sincere he seems.

 

I think getting him into AA meetings is a good start, but even those won't help if he can't admit he is helpless over alcohol, that it rules his life, that he needs help.  If he's not in that place yet, it won't sink in.  I do, however, second the idea that you should go to Al-Anon meetings ASAP - they will really help you understand what is going on.

 

If he escalated to pushing, you really don't know where it's going to go from here, do you?  I know you would like to hope it was a one time deal and things will be normal again - but it's often not that easy.  And the PPs who mentioned the violence starts small and can escalate are right.

 

Keep protecting yourself and the kids.  It's hard when a little one is asking for Dada - but they can't understand what is going on, and they would adore him even if he were abusive.  It's up to you to protect them, mama.

 

Good luck to you, OP!


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#16 of 25 Old 06-19-2012, 12:44 PM
 
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Maybe the wake up call was for all of you.  While he needs to get himself straight and sober you need to realize this kind of behavior deserves no excuses.  CPS is involved in a positive way.  They are not removing your children from you but you can bet they will consider if he comes back and starts drinking and you need help from an outside source again.  You need to do what is best for you and the children. 

 

People do not become angry drunks over night.  I'm sorry your family is going through so much right now but be honest with yourself please.

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#17 of 25 Old 06-19-2012, 04:20 PM
 
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Thats the thing. I am putting my kids first. If I did not I would not of called the cops. He is seeking the treatment he needs. He usually drinks 3 times a week but in three weeks he has drank nothing. He says He realizes what he has lost and wants to get everything back to what it was but with no booze in the house at all.


You cannot allow this man to watch your kids alone.. to do so puts them in harm's way!
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#18 of 25 Old 06-21-2012, 05:27 AM
 
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I'm glad the police won't let you go back and change your statement to something that would be a lie. Their job is to keep your kids safe. That means they need to know what is happening.

My advice may not be appropriate for you. That's ok. You are just fine how you are and I am the right kind of me.

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#19 of 25 Old 06-21-2012, 06:37 AM
 
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It was a mixture of the heat (its over 100 in tx already) and him being drunk.

 

I just wanted to point out, so you can think about it, that heat does not in any way cause abusive behavior.

 

Ask yourself: does heat cause YOU to be abusive? Of course not.

 

As for being drunk, there is good reason to think that alcohol does not cause abusive behavior either - but, even if actually accept that alcohol can in some causes cause a non-abusive person to engage in abusive behaviors, a non-abusive person will not drink. If, whenever you had a beer, you started engaging in violent behavior and abusing your child, would you ever crack open a beer again?

 

If these excuses are coming from him, recognize that they are exactly that, excuses. If he excuses his behavior and blames it on external factors, then he is by definition not taking responsibility for his behavior. There can always be a heat wave, or he could have a bad day at work anytime, it could rain, his TV show could be cancelled, his favorite team could lose the game. An abusive person feels free to blame any of those factors - not to mention the most common one, that you drove him to it. A non-abusive person is not going to abuse even if it's hot AND he didn't like the dinner you made AND it was a lousy day at work. And not even if he drinks.

 

If those excuses are coming from you... think about what you are helping him to avoid responsibility for, and at what cost.

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#20 of 25 Old 06-21-2012, 07:16 AM
 
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The authorities have reacted the way they have because this is the beginning stages of a pattern they have seen over and over and over. 

I agree with Linda but I would say that this likely isn't he beginning. I would guess he has been abusive in non-physical ways but you are so accustomed to it that you are not seeing it. Your defending him and minimizing what he did is one sign that you are a victim of abuse.

 

Have you educated yourself at all about the abusive dynamic and the abuse cycle?

 

Healthy people don't hurt others and harass them, even when they're drunk. 

 

Someone in a healthy state of mind would not see calling the police as a 'wake up call'. They would see that what your husband did is wrong and dangerous and they would be looking for an extended separation while he gets the help he needs so he has the best chance of recovery without hurting someone again. Of course he's sorry right now but you need time and opportunity for him to prove that he is capable of doing the work he needs to do to move towards health.

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#21 of 25 Old 06-21-2012, 07:38 AM
 
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I just wanted to point out, so you can think about it, that heat does not in any way cause abusive behavior.

 

Ask yourself: does heat cause YOU to be abusive? Of course not.

 

As for being drunk, there is good reason to think that alcohol does not cause abusive behavior either - but, even if actually accept that alcohol can in some causes cause a non-abusive person to engage in abusive behaviors, a non-abusive person will not drink. If, whenever you had a beer, you started engaging in violent behavior and abusing your child, would you ever crack open a beer again?

 

If these excuses are coming from him, recognize that they are exactly that, excuses. If he excuses his behavior and blames it on external factors, then he is by definition not taking responsibility for his behavior. There can always be a heat wave, or he could have a bad day at work anytime, it could rain, his TV show could be cancelled, his favorite team could lose the game. An abusive person feels free to blame any of those factors - not to mention the most common one, that you drove him to it. A non-abusive person is not going to abuse even if it's hot AND he didn't like the dinner you made AND it was a lousy day at work. And not even if he drinks.

 

If those excuses are coming from you... think about what you are helping him to avoid responsibility for, and at what cost.

 yeahthat.gif  I love this - it is ABSOLUTELY true! (laohaire - I wish someone, anyone, could have told me this growing up - it wouldn't have changed much, but would have made me feel more sane)

 

Also, echoing the alcohol thing - alcohol doesn't *change* a person - all it may do is lower their inhibitions, so they act out in bigger ways.  So, if your husband was typically emotionally or verbally abusive at times, it could escalate when he drinks.  In my situation, my dad sobered up and it did absolutely nothing for the abusive situation in my home.  But it was like a banner my family loved to wave - "he's not drinking, everything is fine!"  It wasn't, not by a long shot.  So I'm not inclined to believe that someone who abuses a substance (alcohol) and had proven to be abusive to his family (emotionally and verbally) doesn't have deeper issues at work.


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#22 of 25 Old 06-23-2012, 10:28 AM
 
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I'm glad to hear that he never drank when he was the lone one watching the kids.

 

I'm also really sorry that, when you called for help, some seemingly well-meaning people turned things into such a fiasco for you and your family. I'm sad mainly because this will probably make you much less likely to ask for outside help in the future.

 

I do hope that your dh gets the help he needs and is able to come home soon!


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#23 of 25 Old 06-28-2012, 12:02 PM
 
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I hope that you can figure out exactly what cps is requiring of you so you keep your babies!  

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#24 of 25 Old 06-28-2012, 12:41 PM
 
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Hello OP, can you give us an update as to how everything is going?

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#25 of 25 Old 06-28-2012, 12:54 PM
 
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I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP! I'm not surprised the police won't let you change your statement. Around here DV with kids present is an automatic felony (granted many probably do get plead down). Once CPS is involved (assuming there is good reason for them to be which it sounds like there is at least from their perspective) the only way out is through the system. I hope the process goes quickly and smoothly for you!


Mama to DS (6/07) h20homebirth.gif, DD (6/09) h20homebirth.gif, and DD (07/12) homebirth.jpg..

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