What would you have done in my shoes? - Mothering Forums
Parenting > What would you have done in my shoes?
mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 03:00 PM 07-09-2012

Hello, this situation is already passed and no one (that I know of) is upset with me or anything -- but I keep wondering if I should have done something differently. So I thought I'd ask for everyone's thoughts in order to have ideas for any similar situations in the future.


After church on Sundays, we've been going straight to a city pool that is free on Sunday afternoons; our church is about midway between our home and this pool, so we eat a snack in the car and go straight there to save on gas. We also give a ride to a family that lives near the church, and we'd invited anyone from this family who wanted to, to come swimming with us.


So this Sunday when we were driving our friends home, it turned out that three of the children plus the 18yo nephew who was visiting wanted to come swimming. My girls and I were thrilled to have the company, these are very nice kids -- but I mentioned to my friend, in the hearing of her nephew, that they might not let the nephew swim in the shorts he had on because, based on our experience with a different city pool, I thought the pool staff might insist on proper swimming attire.


She didn't have any trunks at her house that would fit him, and said she thought he could just tell them that they were his swimming trunks, and he agreed with this idea, so we dropped my friend and her baby off at home and headed to the pool.


It turned out that they wouldn't allow him to swim in his shorts, so he took a nap in the shade next to the pool while the rest of us swam for about two hours. I felt rather badly for him, but didn't want to add on another 30 minutes by driving him home (about 15 minutes to back track to my friend's house and another 15 to go back to the pool), because I wanted to make it home by around 4 in order to have some "at home" chill time for myself -- and, of course, we are trying to conserve gas by avoiding unnecessary trips.


It was rather hot -- 90-some degrees, but there were showers in the bathrooms and he could have drenched himself in there if he got too hot.


I know that, in his shoes, I would have been seriously bummed out to be out there in that heat and not be able to get into the pool. At the same time, if anyone had so much as hinted that I might not be allowed into the pool in what I had on, I would have opted to hang out in the coolness of my aunt's house. I simply wouldn't have taken the risk of getting stuck like that.


He never complained, and this friend and her kids are planning to come with us next time, so I don't think anyone's hurt or upset with me over this. But I'm just wondering what other folks would have done in this situation.

grumpybear's Avatar grumpybear 04:14 PM 07-09-2012

I wouldn't have done anything different if I were in your position or your friend's position.

mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 04:27 PM 07-09-2012

Awesome! That makes me feel a ton better; thanks!

pammysue's Avatar pammysue 06:40 PM 07-09-2012

So the nephew is 18? IMO, he's an adult and he made the choice to come along even if he couldn't swim. You have no responsibility in another adult's decision. 

tbone_kneegrabber's Avatar tbone_kneegrabber 07:07 PM 07-09-2012

Meh, you warned him.  It was worth the risk to him.  Didn't play out the way he had hoped.  No harm, no foul.  He'll know next time he needs to wear a "proper swim attire," if he wants to swim.

Linda on the move's Avatar Linda on the move 08:07 PM 07-09-2012

I think you handled it as well as possible, and I think he was a real trooper about it. Good for him for not whining! I have 2 teens, I hope they would be as gracious in a similar situation.

mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 04:16 AM 07-10-2012

All of your responses have really been helping me feel better about my own judgement in the situation.


But last night, I recalled that my friend had slipped me $10.00 to help out with gas or snacks if the pool was selling anything. My immediate thought was that I'd give it to my dh, who is worried about the cost of all the driving, and tell him that this should cover the cost of me doing something I really wanted to do -- take the girls to this same pool in the middle of the week, instead of one that's closer to us that we don't enjoy as much because they make us get out every hour on the hour while they add chemicals. And, of course, we've also invited these same friends to come with us in the middle of the week, too, so they would also benefit, on both Sundays and at mid-week.


So I'd already mentally "spent" that money before we even got to the pool, and it didn't even occur to me that maybe I should figure that this would more than cover the cost of me running the boy home. I was actually more focused on the time element, and wanting to have some time in the day left for me -- and also concerned that rain was in the forecast and it had actually rained really hard for a few minutes before we even got to the pool, and then stopped. So I wasn't even sure but what it might start raining soon again.


So, what does everyone think, now that I've added in the element of her giving me money?

GoBecGo's Avatar GoBecGo 05:57 AM 07-10-2012

I still wouldn't have done anything different, because surely the $10 was for her KIDS, not the young adult nephew, who presumably has his own money?

mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 06:27 AM 07-10-2012

I'm not sure whether he had any money. This pool is free on both Sundays and in the middle of the week when we plan to go again. As far as I can tell, the pool doesn't sell any snacks, just bottled water, and we bring our own water and we shared our snack in the car with everyone. So I hadn't really intended to buy any snacks -- just swim for a couple hours and head home, and use the money she gave me to cover the extrra gas for going to this pool that we like so much more than the ones that are closer to us.

GoBecGo's Avatar GoBecGo 07:01 AM 07-10-2012

You offered to take people to the pool.


You warned the older relative that his shorts may not be accepted as appropriate.  He decided to come anyway.


She send 3 of her kids and the other relative with you AND got a ride home for herself and her baby.


She gave you $10 for your trouble (ok, you never bought snacks, but you GAVE them snacks, you just didn't buy them at the pool) and gas.


The shorts were indeed deemed inappropriate.


The older relative dozed by the pool while you guys swam, then got a ride home.


No one complained or even seemed annoyed.



Honestly, i think you are worrying about nothing.  He, an adult, took a chance on his attire which backfired and seems to have dealt with it in a mature way.  You took someone else's kids to a pool for them, giving them all a ride there and back, supervision (presumably, i'm in the UK and i can't think of one pool where an adult can take more than 2 kids, or 1 if they're little) and a snack.  You haven't wronged anyone, you're not a swim-meet coach, a babysitter-for-18yo's or a taxi!

GoBecGo's Avatar GoBecGo 07:03 AM 07-10-2012

And FWIW at 18 i think I'D have rather dozed near a pool with the potential of other teenagers in swimsuits to admire than gone to my aunt's house with her and her baby....

Linda on the move's Avatar Linda on the move 07:37 AM 07-10-2012

I think you are over thinking it. No one was harmed. No one was upset. It's time to let it go and move on.

mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 10:21 AM 07-10-2012

Thank you, everyone! I think this is the first time that I've posted about an issue here on MDC and gotten such unanimous reassurance that I did the right thing!


I will indeed move on now.

mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 10:23 AM 07-10-2012
Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post

And FWIW at 18 i think I'D have rather dozed near a pool with the potential of other teenagers in swimsuits to admire than gone to my aunt's house with her and her baby....

That's a great point. I think I would have preferred to stay in the cool even at that age but I think there are waaay more 18yo's who'd agree with you than with me. :)

meemee's Avatar meemee 10:28 PM 07-10-2012

is your nephew really laid back? pretty easy to get along? is not phased much with life?


then i think he truly decided and did what he thought was right.


i have a friend who is so easy going that we all feel a little guilty of taking advantage of him. except that he REALLY does not mind.


yeah there are people like your nephew in this world. 

mammal_mama's Avatar mammal_mama 04:12 AM 07-11-2012

He is actually my friend's nephew and I just met him for the first time the other day -- but yeah, he does seem pretty easygoing.

Evan&Anna's_Mom's Avatar Evan&Anna's_Mom 02:23 PM 07-11-2012

I also think you did everything right and are over-thinking the whole thing.  And  no way would I have dragged 6 kids out of the pool to drive 1 young adult home!


That said, and not knowing all of the details, some other things you might have considered: *  calling the adult to come pick him up (if they had a car) *  allowing him to walk home (if it was close enough) * using the $10 to have him buy a swim suit (if there was somewhere he could walk to nearby)  * allowing him to use the $10 for some other nearby entertainment or snack place where there was air conditioning.  All of these are, of course, highly optional and depend on the details of the situation which I have no idea about.