Family friends with younger children -- who needs to say what? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 74 Old 07-18-2012, 11:32 AM
 
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Originally Posted by serenbat View Post

I think you are missing it here- the other mom has 3 kids in the house (one is the sibling) and you expect her to tell the DS in front of the others? Like I said, we have no clue what the OP's DD knew and yes, I think she was acting polite in how it was handled.
 
Tell the ds what, in front of the other kids? I think it would probably be a mistake to say, "no - you can't come over, because you're 12 and you might do or say something in appropriate. (I have no idea how the other mom would see that, as she has a concern I don't share, so I can't relate to her thinking on this one.) There is nothing wrong with simply saying, "no, you can't come over". If the ds asks why, she can either tell the truth, or she can make up a "white lie" about what her son is doing or that she simply doesn't want anyone else in the house right now, or isn't feeling well, or whatever.
 
ETA- AND maybe she didn't want to get into it with the DD (I certainly would not want to!!) on the reasons and I would expect that the OP might just be thankful for that- that left it up to the OP to deal with in her own way- I think that is respectful and lets the OP say what is appropriate for her DD.

I'm not sure what this is in reference to, but the other mom doesn't have to get into any reasons for not letting OP's ds come over. She doesn't have to get into them with anybody.
 
That's what the parent is for. The other mom could have easily not even spoken to the OP and just told the DS and the OP could have had a fit if it went that way- many people prefer hearing it directly as the other mom did to the OP.
 
I wouldn't have a problem hearing it directly from the other mom. I'd have trouble with the other mom basically telling my child that I lied to him.
 
In the end it's all on the OP- she either deals with this mom or not and the ramifications, he went against her(OP), she needs to make plans for him (class, program, sitter what ever) and not expect others to parent her child-she was not paying this mother to babysit the DS.

The OP is making plans. She already said that her son won't be left alone again this summer. But, it is NOT all on the OP. If the other mom doesn't wnat to enforce her own rules, then she shouldn't bother having them. Her behaviour was ridiculously rude.  Chlidren sometimes don't listen. That's a fact of life. If the other mom isn't prepared to say, "no - you can't come over", then she shouldn't have a rule saying he can't come over.
 
The OP can blame the other mom all she wants doesn't change it nor can she force the other mom to do what she wants.

 

Okay - so the other mom can't force the OP to keep her child away, either.
 

 

The other mom created the entire situation, aside from the fact that OP's ds disobeyed her, which she's already addressed with him. She wants the OP to enforce her rules, but she doesn't want to enforce them herself. Ridiculous.

 

As to the entire thought of "well, she already had the one - she really couldn't say no to the sibling". How on earth does that follow? DD1 is frequently invited over to people's houses, and ds2 sometimes asks if he can come, too...and the answer is frequently "no". So, he has a meltdown (or doesn't, if we're lucky) and that's that. It's not the other parent's job t parent my child, so they aren't required to work things out between my children. Their job is to be the gatekeeper for their own home/children.

 

You continue to argue that the other mom shouldn't have to parent OP's ds, but continue to defend her decision to do so, in lieu of enforcing her own rule. Her actions make no sense.

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#62 of 74 Old 07-18-2012, 11:37 AM - Thread Starter
 
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meaning you allowed your DD there not DS

 

Oops -- sorry.  Totally misread this.  Sometimes the abbreviations slip past me.  Apologies. 

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#63 of 74 Old 07-18-2012, 12:27 PM
 
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OK -- this one thing I really want to address and the quote box is coming up empty --

 

"the OP knowing how the other mother felt still allowed her DD there- name calling can go both way can't it?"

 

I didn't "allow him there" -- he was told he couldn't, I wasn't there, he did it anyway.  The consequence for that was he lost his chance to be spend even a little time at home alone this summer and is now enrolled in camp every day until school starts (well, except the 2 days there is no camp and DH and I are splitting those).  Which also means I took a deep swallow and paid out more than $1,000 to have him supervised for the remaining weeks.  Truly, I think I took responsibility here.
 

E&A's mom, sounds like you have it worked out.  I'm glad :)

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#64 of 74 Old 07-18-2012, 12:56 PM
 
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I think it is weird that mom is okay with her DD being at your house with your DS but not your DS playing with her DS.  Just saying.

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#65 of 74 Old 07-18-2012, 01:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think it is weird that mom is okay with her DD being at your house with your DS but not your DS playing with her DS.  Just saying.


When her DD and mine are playing, DS rarely gets anywhere near them.  While DS will happily play video games with the younger boy, he wants NOTHING to do with playing princess vet fairies with the girls!

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#66 of 74 Old 07-18-2012, 01:34 PM
 
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 Her actions make no sense.

seems like the other mom is a nice person and the OP likes her and that is what matters


 

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#67 of 74 Old 07-18-2012, 01:49 PM
 
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When her DD and mine are playing, DS rarely gets anywhere near them.  While DS will happily play video games with the younger boy, he wants NOTHING to do with playing princess vet fairies with the girls!

 

I'm glad that you guys have found a solution that works for the adults and for the kids.

 

Summers are a funky deal for teens -- figuring out how much structure they need is really a moving target.


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#68 of 74 Old 07-19-2012, 12:36 AM
 
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I agree with everyone else who believes she is being unreasonable.  If we had a nickel for every time some child came to our door and wanted to play and we had to be the bad guy and say no.  Well, OK, I'm not good at that, so I just let them in, even the younger ones I didn't want there because I didn't see them as the actual friend to my daughter.  And then when I had the youngest child, she was never welcome, because she was "too young."  The funny thing is my 13 year old daughter's 13 year old friend comes over and ends up playing with my 8 year old, because my daughter is antisocial and doesn't want to play most of the time.  But she would never be invited over, nope.  But thankfully that's all worked itself out now.

 

If she had complained to me, I would have told her that I did tell her that she is giving a mixed message by allowing it and then complaining behind his back. I hope he is enjoying summer camp, but now who is staying with your daughter?  Is she going too?

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#69 of 74 Old 07-19-2012, 08:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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. I hope he is enjoying summer camp, but now who is staying with your daughter?  Is she going too?

 

Yep, camp all around.  The plan was always for her to spend most of her time at camps, which she loves.  It was just DS that wanted more time to be a "couch potato" for a summer.  The other mom and I did coordinate so that our daughters have two weeks together at the same camps -- one day camp and one sleep away.

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#70 of 74 Old 07-19-2012, 07:34 PM
 
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First off, I'm glad you've worked things out. This seems like a strange relationship you have with the mother (it would be hard for me to be friends with someone who was worried about my child possibly molesting their child) but then, it's impossible for me to understand everything as it's *your* relationship.

 

I just wanted to add that I never feel like I'm parenting other children on my block when I tell them my child can or can't play right now. To me, that's parenting my own children. I have to be strict about my kid's diets, which means I have to say no to other people when they offer them something they can't have. It's not being "polite" to say yes and put my child in a position I don't like (either by being hyper from too much sugar or playing with someone who I don't feel comfortable with). I also don't feel like I have to explain "why" if I don't want to. I don't need to tell the very sweet lady at the store why my kid can't have a doughnut. I don't need to tell the kid on my doorstep why I don't want my kids out playing.

 

I would have suggested to the OP that if the neighbor called again, to go ahead and give her permission to send her son back home. Some parents are worried about a confrontation with the other parents and won't say anything.

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#71 of 74 Old 07-20-2012, 01:49 PM
 
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I am going to say something that might be totally off base but I would feel uncomfortable that only my 9 year old daughter is allowed in her house but not my son. My brother went with me to play. This is one of the best things about having siblings. They help keep you safe and her weirdness about not letting him there but then letting him then then not letting him there shows she herself is not stable and I'm not sure I would be ok with my younger child being alone there.

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#72 of 74 Old 07-20-2012, 02:08 PM
 
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i am glad things worked out for you.

 

however for your son...

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Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom View Post

The consequence for that was he lost his chance to be spend even a little time at home alone this summer and is now enrolled in camp every day until school starts (well, except the 2 days there is no camp and DH and I are splitting those).  Which also means I took a deep swallow and paid out more than $1,000 to have him supervised for the remaining weeks.  Truly, I think I took responsibility here.

 

i feel really really sad (mainly coz dd and i enjoy those simple, free days of summer so much). its a real harsh punishment for a punitive 'crime'. i am glad you had the means to shell out. 


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#73 of 74 Old 07-23-2012, 11:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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however for your son...

i feel really really sad (mainly coz dd and i enjoy those simple, free days of summer so much). its a real harsh punishment for a punitive 'crime'. i am glad you had the means to shell out. 

 

Realize that visiting the neighbors when he had been asked not to was NOT the only thing involved in this decision.  Over the week there were a number of things that demonstrated that he was not yet ready to spend such a long stretch of time unsupervised.   The dog didn't get walked, watered or fed  (and the resulting mess wasn't cleaned up); the food trash piles in the family room were atrocious; he answered the door for a salesperson; left the house without texting me that he was doing so (beyond going to the neighbors); and so forth.  Just not ready to be on his own yet.  And that's OK -- we will try again in a few months at Christmas vacation.

 

I think we all have memories of more care free summers than my children had this year, but I also know that I had a mom at home while they were happening and neighborhood children (and moms) to watch out for the group as we played from house to house.  My kids have neither of those to support a less structured summer schedule.  And yes, I am sad that they don't have this too.  My DH was able to take a week where he could work mostly at home and let the kids have some down time and they also had a week with my parents where it was much less structured as well.  We tried for the best balance we could given the realities of the situation.

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#74 of 74 Old 07-23-2012, 08:30 PM
 
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I'm glad the situation worked out, but that does suck about how it had to be resolved and that your DS lost his alone-time priveledges (from what you describe I probably would have done the same).

 

I probably would have enforced the other mother's rules though, for the safety of my son.  If he were to be accused of something, that's bad news with that age difference.  Generally if people tip their hat that they are hypersensitive and it seems to be directed at me or my family I give them a wide, wide berth.  If there was something specific or evidence I would hope that I'd be able to see that and acknowledge it (hopefully I'll never have to test that theory), but if someone in general behaves like all male children X amount of years older than their kid should automatically be suspect for rapists/molesters/ect, I wouldn't consider them to be a safe person to have around my children unsupervised.  I'm sure that will offend some people here, and while I too am a survivor so I do understand what might drive someone to have a worldview like that, I don't believe it's healthy or appropriate when applied as a blanket rule and I would worry about their judgement when it came to my kids.  I don't allow my kids to be around people who are not safe with them.
 

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