December 2012 Rockstar Mamas - Page 11 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#301 of 380 Old 12-28-2012, 07:01 PM
 
AnnieA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Good question. I was thinking along those same lines. You can't assume another grownup is going to change so what can you do to contribute to peace in your family and/or minimize the stress? Can you find some compromises? Can you respect his request to not dress D in activist shirts for events where there are a lot of Marines, even if you don't understand the issue? Can you take 15 mins at the end of the day and do a quick pickup just because you know it would help him feel better when he comes in the door? Can you ignore how he chooses to do certain things with the kids, even if they are wrong or stupid, as long as it isn't endangering them? I know that seems like it's just you compromising but the fact is you can only control your choices and your responses.

Annie wife v2.0 to DH and joyfully parenting DSS 18 jog.gif, DSD 15 knit.gif, DSD 14 banana.gif, DSS 12bikenew.gifand heart hero DD 2superhero.gif. angel1.gif 8/2010

AnnieA is offline  
#302 of 380 Old 12-28-2012, 08:03 PM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can and have started doing most of those things. I took over cooking dinner most nights because he was getting so stressed about it. I have been trying to pick things up at least a little right before or right after he gets home. He doesn't understand that it's a continuous job, though. The house is not going to ever be completely picked up until all the kids move out.

I've been trying not to interfere too much between him and the kids. It's hard, though, because I consider a lot of the things as harmful to the kids. They may not be physically harmful but they are emotionally and psychologically harmful and those scars can sometimes be worse than physical scars. I mean, really, the scars left from physical abuse are mostly emotional and pyschological.

I know how that works because I was spanked by my father regularly but never by my mother. My mother, however, was and is a very difficult person. She's very good at making others around her feel inadequate. I have a lot more issues as an adult from and with my mother than from or with my father.

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#303 of 380 Old 12-29-2012, 06:17 PM
 
AnnieA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry mama. That type of behavior would be a big reason for me to do everything I could to make it work. What I've learned is that if a parent is willing to emotionally and verbally abuse their children, it's not going to stop if the parents are no longer together. It just means the other parent is not there to intervene or act as a buffer.

Ava picked up some kind of bug but thankfully it only lasted 24 hrs. She's still recovering from all the lack of sleep but she's loving all the gifts!

Annie wife v2.0 to DH and joyfully parenting DSS 18 jog.gif, DSD 15 knit.gif, DSD 14 banana.gif, DSS 12bikenew.gifand heart hero DD 2superhero.gif. angel1.gif 8/2010

AnnieA is offline  
#304 of 380 Old 12-29-2012, 07:57 PM
 
Baby_Cakes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 9,884
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

Sorry mama. That type of behavior would be a big reason for me to do everything I could to make it work. What I've learned is that if a parent is willing to emotionally and verbally abuse their children, it's not going to stop if the parents are no longer together. It just means the other parent is not there to intervene or act as a buffer.
Ava picked up some kind of bug but thankfully it only lasted 24 hrs. She's still recovering from all the lack of sleep but she's loving all the gifts!

 

Again, that's such a good point, Lauri.  Such a good point.

 

Glad she's already feeling better!! 

 

We are still working thru runny noses and what not here.  I'm still on my abx and feeling better, but not completely there yet.  Looking fwd to kicking the germs for good!!!


Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
Baby_Cakes is offline  
#305 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 07:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

Sorry mama. That type of behavior would be a big reason for me to do everything I could to make it work. What I've learned is that if a parent is willing to emotionally and verbally abuse their children, it's not going to stop if the parents are no longer together. It just means the other parent is not there to intervene or act as a buffer.

Yes, that is an excellent point and one that comes up in my unschooling discussion group a lot. I don't think what Sean does is abusive. He doesn't yell or call the boys names or threaten them with harsh punishments or anything like that. He just tries to control them too much, I think. He tells them No too much and doesn't say Yes enough. I guess maybe I overreact to it.

It's very typical, mainstream parenting control. "If you don't eat 5 bites of chicken, you can't have ice cream." "No, I'm not going to buy you another toy because we can't afford it but I am going to buy myself these $150 shoes." It's holding the children to a different standard and at a different level than adults. The children are below the adults. I don't like that kind of attitude. I think it can be harmful to kids if they are made to feel that they are at the bottom of the totem pole, that their wants are less important than an adult's just because they are children.

I try to get DH to think about why he does those things. Is there a real, rational, positive reason for it or is it just because that's what he knows or sees everyone else do? He doesn't have an answer, which tells me that he hasn't thought about it. He just goes along with the majority of what he sees because that's what has always been done. If you aren't going to think about it, then you don't get to decide, especially if your decisions make everyone else unhappy for no real reason. KWIM?

I'm glad Ava is feeling better. We all have nasty coughs. I think I might be allergic to the Christmas tree. greensad.gif I've been coughing so much and so hard that I have to wear pads because I keep peeing on myself. :irk I don't know what to do about that.

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#306 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 07:50 AM
 
AnnieA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post

I try to get DH to think about why he does those things. Is there a real, rational, positive reason for it or is it just because that's what he knows or sees everyone else do? He doesn't have an answer, which tells me that he hasn't thought about it. He just goes along with the majority of what he sees because that's what has always been done. If you aren't going to think about it, then you don't get to decide, especially if your decisions make everyone else unhappy for no real reason. KWIM?

This is a very good point and something my DH and I have been discussing for a while because I feel like his default is "No" as well. I've really gotten to the point with the kids that unless they are harming themselves or someone else or doing something illegal, I don't really care. He views that somewhat as "permissive" parenting. I view it as choosing my battles. Ava standing in the chair is a good one. She wants to do it. I don't know why. Maybe because she's short and it's uncomfortable for her to sit on her bottom. I don't know. I don't care. I'm not going to have a battle of wills with her to get her to sit in the chair. I'm not going to withhold food from her until she sits in the chair. I will push the chair against the wall and position my body to minimize the risk of her falling from the chair. He wants to force her to sit in the chair. I try not to intervene but I think that type of stuff does affect his relationship with her in the long run.

 

I need to get my inlaws trained to the idea of little ones again. We went over to my SIL's house yesterday. There hasn't been a small one running around for many years as DSS 12 was the youngest until Ava was born. We had been there for a while and Ava and I had been in the living room when we walked in to the family room. Ava stopped, put up her hand and said "hot" which is what she does around a fire or the oven. I looked over at the fireplace and someone had turned on the gas fireplace but had not placed the shield back so it was just open to the room. If Ava had tripped, she could have fallen right on top of lit logs. angry.gif Thank goodness she has the memory of an elephant and we've been practicing with the fake fireplace video at my office that fires are hot and to stay away from them.


Annie wife v2.0 to DH and joyfully parenting DSS 18 jog.gif, DSD 15 knit.gif, DSD 14 banana.gif, DSS 12bikenew.gifand heart hero DD 2superhero.gif. angel1.gif 8/2010

AnnieA is offline  
#307 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 07:55 AM
 
AnnieA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post

I'm glad Ava is feeling better. We all have nasty coughs. I think I might be allergic to the Christmas tree. greensad.gif I've been coughing so much and so hard that I have to wear pads because I keep peeing on myself. :irk I don't know what to do about that.

I think our christmas tree is causing some allergy issues as well. I need to take it down this week. I haven't been getting probiotics in Ava but I need to start again because she is swinging between constipation and loose BMs.

 

One of my SILs gave Ava some cash for Christmas so I'm going to look in to signing her up for a toddler tumbling class that should start in a few weeks. We need something physical to do that's indoors until the weather warms up and she's really been enjoying doing flips and sort of "rough-housing" on the bed so I think she'll like that. It's 8 weeks I believe.


Annie wife v2.0 to DH and joyfully parenting DSS 18 jog.gif, DSD 15 knit.gif, DSD 14 banana.gif, DSS 12bikenew.gifand heart hero DD 2superhero.gif. angel1.gif 8/2010

AnnieA is offline  
#308 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 09:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

I try not to intervene but I think that type of stuff does affect his relationship with her in the long run.

Yes, that's what I meant by harmful. It has a negative effect on their relationship. He says No even when his answer is Yes. It's very strange. He says, "Well, no, here you go." headscratch.gif

The other thing is that dh always sounds annoyed or aggravated whenever they ask for anything. His response is always, *big sigh*, sometimes a roll of the eyes, a humph and a, "What do you want?!" It's not nice. He doesn't enjoy taking care of his kids. it feels like he's annoyed just by their presence, which makes me angry and hurt and upset and then I don't like him much.

That is scary about the fire. We have never even hooked ours up to a gas tank because I have yet to find a safe cover for the fireplace.

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#309 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 10:48 AM
 
AnnieA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post


Yes, that's what I meant by harmful. It has a negative effect on their relationship. He says No even when his answer is Yes. It's very strange. He says, "Well, no, here you go." headscratch.gif
The other thing is that dh always sounds annoyed or aggravated whenever they ask for anything. His response is always, *big sigh*, sometimes a roll of the eyes, a humph and a, "What do you want?!" It's not nice. He doesn't enjoy taking care of his kids. it feels like he's annoyed just by their presence, which makes me angry and hurt and upset and then I don't like him much.
That is scary about the fire. We have never even hooked ours up to a gas tank because I have yet to find a safe cover for the fireplace.

 

I try to disengage my feelings from the situation because technically, it's between DH and the child. I'm just a bystander. And it may be more damaging to the child to see Mom as "always right" or "always correcting" Dad than it is to be told "no" even though the answer is "yes". I'm not saying it is more damaging, I'm just saying that's another possibility. But it is hurtful when it feels like your partner doesn't "like" your children. That was definitely my feeling when it seemed like DH was trying to find an excuse to be out of the house on Christmas Eve. Like, come on. The kids aren't going to remember if there was enough money for five presents vs four presents but they will remember that Dad was never around on holidays. At least that's my opinion. Other parents may have different opinions. So that's why I try to remove my feelings because it may not be what the kids are feeling.

 

The scary thing about that fireplace was there wasn't even a glass partition. At my mom's house, her gas fireplace has a glass divider. It would suck if Ava fell in to it because the glass gets hot but at least it would just be a slight burn. At my SIL's, there's no glass so she would fall right in to the fire. Yikes!


Annie wife v2.0 to DH and joyfully parenting DSS 18 jog.gif, DSD 15 knit.gif, DSD 14 banana.gif, DSS 12bikenew.gifand heart hero DD 2superhero.gif. angel1.gif 8/2010

AnnieA is offline  
#310 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 11:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's so hard for me to detach myself when my kids are obviously hurt. What do you do when they come to crying because Dad wouldn't let them do something that you think it's perfectly fine or at least not a problem? I can't just tell them too bad because that's what their dad said. Then it seems to them that I am not caring for them, either. I am not protecting them. I don't care that they are hurt. They need at least one parent who does care all the time, I think.

Oh, and I try not to talk to dh about those things in front of the kids. I try to talk him about the stuff later, unless it's something that seems to be really pressing. Then I might ask why it's such a big deal. The thing is that dh gets angry when I do that, I think because he doesn't know why. It was just a knee jerk reaction on his part without any thought. I wish he'd be more present and mindful.

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#311 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 11:57 AM
 
AnnieA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post

It's so hard for me to detach myself when my kids are obviously hurt. What do you do when they come to crying because Dad wouldn't let them do something that you think it's perfectly fine or at least not a problem? I can't just tell them too bad because that's what their dad said. Then it seems to them that I am not caring for them, either. I am not protecting them. I don't care that they are hurt. They need at least one parent who does care all the time, I think.
 

My big kids don't really cry anymore about stuff like that but if they express their displeasure somehow (usually it's anger, not sadness), I try to empathize but gently remind them that it was Dad's decision and while we (me and the child) may not agree with or understand the reasoning, he very well may have a good reason. If it's something that is really odd, I will help the child brainstorm possible solutions and encourage them to speak directly with their Dad to come up with an alternative. My DH isn't downright unreasonable but there may be more information he needs to make a better decision or just something he's not considering. I do think it is important, even at a young age, to encourage children to speak up to grownups, albeit respectfully, if they disagree with a decision. But that needs to be between the child and that other grownup. I can support the child but that's their battle to fight, so to speak.


Annie wife v2.0 to DH and joyfully parenting DSS 18 jog.gif, DSD 15 knit.gif, DSD 14 banana.gif, DSS 12bikenew.gifand heart hero DD 2superhero.gif. angel1.gif 8/2010

AnnieA is offline  
#312 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 12:00 PM
 
AnnieA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I think it's important to remove yourself as the referee between your children and your husband. (I'm saying this in general, not necessarily directed at you MW). He is their parent too and a grownup who is hopefully making decisions with their best interest in mind.


Annie wife v2.0 to DH and joyfully parenting DSS 18 jog.gif, DSD 15 knit.gif, DSD 14 banana.gif, DSS 12bikenew.gifand heart hero DD 2superhero.gif. angel1.gif 8/2010

AnnieA is offline  
#313 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

I think it's important to remove yourself as the referee between your children and your husband. (I'm saying this in general, not necessarily directed at you MW). He is their parent too and a grownup who is hopefully making decisions with their best interest in mind.

Another excellent point. It's just so hard to see my children cry and do nothing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

My big kids don't really cry anymore about stuff like that

Ethan doesn't usually cry much initially. He usually gets angry, which makes DH dig in his heels more. He doesn't respond well to anger from others. He has difficulty with anger in general. Whenever I talk to Ethan about things and try to empathize, he usually ends up crying.

Kellen is still young enough that he cries more quickly but he's moving more and more toward the stomping off and pouting phase. When he gets like that he doesn't want anyone to talk to him or be near him or anything. Ryan was like that. When he got hurt or angry he would not let me comfort him at all. He wanted to be left alone.

I think it's hard for me to see DH as a grown up when I don't see him really thinking about anything, ya know. Sometimes he acts more like a child than the children do. If he would just read some and think some and talk to me about things, maybe I could trust him more. shrug.gif

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#314 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 02:06 PM
 
AnnieA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post


Another excellent point. It's just so hard to see my children cry and do nothing.
Ethan doesn't usually cry much initially. He usually gets angry, which makes DH dig in his heels more. He doesn't respond well to anger from others. He has difficulty with anger in general. Whenever I talk to Ethan about things and try to empathize, he usually ends up crying.
Kellen is still young enough that he cries more quickly but he's moving more and more toward the stomping off and pouting phase. When he gets like that he doesn't want anyone to talk to him or be near him or anything. Ryan was like that. When he got hurt or angry he would not let me comfort him at all. He wanted to be left alone.
I think it's hard for me to see DH as a grown up when I don't see him really thinking about anything, ya know. Sometimes he acts more like a child than the children do. If he would just read some and think some and talk to me about things, maybe I could trust him more. shrug.gif


But giving them a hug, listening and offering possible solutions (if needed) is doing something. Perhaps use this as a learning opportunity. Remove your opinions about what your DH should or should not be doing and instead focus on the child in front of you. This is prime learning time for gentle conflict resolution. Disagreeing without being disagreeable and all that jazz. What tools can you give your child today that would help them not just in dealing with their Dad if they disagree with his choice for them or his decision but in also dealing with other people besides you? It may take longer in the short term but giving Ethan the tools to say something like "Dad, before you serve my food, can I make a request? I'd like my sauce and pasta separate." instead of just swooping in and making him a new plate will give him  a life lesson that he can hopefully reuse.


Annie wife v2.0 to DH and joyfully parenting DSS 18 jog.gif, DSD 15 knit.gif, DSD 14 banana.gif, DSS 12bikenew.gifand heart hero DD 2superhero.gif. angel1.gif 8/2010

AnnieA is offline  
#315 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 04:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

But giving them a hug, listening and offering possible solutions (if needed) is doing something. Perhaps use this as a learning opportunity. Remove your opinions about what your DH should or should not be doing and instead focus on the child in front of you. This is prime learning time for gentle conflict resolution. Disagreeing without being disagreeable and all that jazz. What tools can you give your child today that would help them not just in dealing with their Dad if they disagree with his choice for them or his decision but in also dealing with other people besides you? It may take longer in the short term but giving Ethan the tools to say something like "Dad, before you serve my food, can I make a request? I'd like my sauce and pasta separate." instead of just swooping in and making him a new plate will give him  a life lesson that he can hopefully reuse.

Are you sure you're not a marriage therapist? winky.gif

I guess I feel like I should fix it for them if I can. Take away their pain. I didn't have to deal with any of this when Ryan was young because it was just us until he 9. And then with dh being a new stepparent he defaulted to me all the time. This is probably better, though. It allows dh to save face and, hopefully, helps the kids learn how to work with their dad more so it doesn't seem like it's us against him.

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#316 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 04:17 PM
 
AnnieA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 2,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post


Are you sure you're not a marriage therapist? winky.gif
I guess I feel like I should fix it for them if I can. Take away their pain. I didn't have to deal with any of this when Ryan was young because it was just us until he 9. And then with dh being a new stepparent he defaulted to me all the time. This is probably better, though. It allows dh to save face and, hopefully, helps the kids learn how to work with their dad more so it doesn't seem like it's us against him.

My DH would tell you most definitely NO! ROTFLMAO.gif I'm only good at throwing this stuff out because I'm working on it. Every.Single.Day. Historically, the women in my family just do everything with little to no input from the men. But that does a disservice not only to your DH but to your kids as well. It devalues him in their eyes. Only Mom can do things right. Only Mom can solve the problems. And then everyone gets in this vicious cycle. It irks me that my house is mostly destroyed when I get home after work and DH has been with the kids but you know what? It's ok. My world is not going to shatter because DH didn't load and unload the dishwasher. And fighting about it isn't going to fix the issue either. I have to remind myself of that a lot.


Annie wife v2.0 to DH and joyfully parenting DSS 18 jog.gif, DSD 15 knit.gif, DSD 14 banana.gif, DSS 12bikenew.gifand heart hero DD 2superhero.gif. angel1.gif 8/2010

AnnieA is offline  
#317 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 04:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I really have no experience because my parents divorced when I was 4yo. I really only had my mother doing everything so I don't know what men are supposed to do in a marriage and family. It's always easier for me to tell others what seems like a good idea or a better way of doing things than actually doing them myself. I'm always working at it. I wish I could get to a point where I didn't feel like I was just going in circles with dh.

I find it funny when my dh has been with the kids all day and the house is a wreck. I want to say, "See. It's not so easy as you think to do everything with the kids always underfoot, is it?"

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#318 of 380 Old 12-30-2012, 04:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I keep forgetting to mention that I think I'm also dealing with some post-deployment, post-combat issues. I bought a book for my Kindle, Taming the Fire Within. It's about post-combat stress rather than PTSD. I just skimmed it the other day. The section on warriors having to turn off their emotions really struck me. I think that's what has happened with dh. He has been deployed and in combat so many times in rapid succession that he has had to turn off his emotions but not been home long enough to figure out how to turn them back on. Now he's kind of stuck with them off. He's here and he cares (I guess, or else why would he still be here?) but he's not connected emotionally. The only emotion he expresses is anger. Anger is a secondary emotion so there is something before/under that but he won't let it up or out. I showed him the book because I thought we both could read it. He glanced at it, humphed and tossed the Kindle back at me. greensad.gif

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#319 of 380 Old 12-31-2012, 04:45 AM
 
Baby_Cakes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 9,884
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnieA View Post

My DH would tell you most definitely NO! ROTFLMAO.gif I'm only good at throwing this stuff out because I'm working on it. Every.Single.Day. Historically, the women in my family just do everything with little to no input from the men. But that does a disservice not only to your DH but to your kids as well. It devalues him in their eyes. Only Mom can do things right. Only Mom can solve the problems. And then everyone gets in this vicious cycle. It irks me that my house is mostly destroyed when I get home after work and DH has been with the kids but you know what? It's ok. My world is not going to shatter because DH didn't load and unload the dishwasher. And fighting about it isn't going to fix the issue either. I have to remind myself of that a lot.

 

This caught my eye b/c it's true for us as well.  My MIL does everything for everyone and for the house, and nobody really values what my FIL does.  he's always angry b/c nobody seems to care what he has done or gotten done.  He does throw money at things b/c at this point I think he has given up on actually doing anything for anyone.  

And Chris defaults to me for everything, no matter how often I remind him he can take control.  I changed Finn's diaper last night and I was like, Oh, buddy you need a bath.  I went to run the water and Chris said, oh yeah I noticed earlier he stunk.  I thought about this for awhile.  Later I said, does it just not dawn on you to give him a bath, or do you think I should be the only one to do it?  He thought and said it doesn't dawn on him.  That it would be too difficult.  

Even Nora over heard and she said baths weren't difficult!  lol.gif

The other thing he never does b/c he gets scared is take both kids out somewhere together.  It's not always easy for me, especially if they are behaving crazy, but I do it all the time and it's not difficult.  It can be tough to manage at moments but you just have to reel them in.  Plus Nora is really helpful out and about.  The only thing that is tough is Finn running off, and that's just age appropriate.  But still, DH must think it's next to impossible.
Right now it might be impossible since Nora won't let him take her anywhere.  But that's besides the point.  Or is it?  Hmm.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post

I keep forgetting to mention that I think I'm also dealing with some post-deployment, post-combat issues. I bought a book for my Kindle, Taming the Fire Within. It's about post-combat stress rather than PTSD. I just skimmed it the other day. The section on warriors having to turn off their emotions really struck me. I think that's what has happened with dh. He has been deployed and in combat so many times in rapid succession that he has had to turn off his emotions but not been home long enough to figure out how to turn them back on. Now he's kind of stuck with them off. He's here and he cares (I guess, or else why would he still be here?) but he's not connected emotionally. The only emotion he expresses is anger. Anger is a secondary emotion so there is something before/under that but he won't let it up or out. I showed him the book because I thought we both could read it. He glanced at it, humphed and tossed the Kindle back at me. greensad.gif

hug2.gif


Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
Baby_Cakes is offline  
#320 of 380 Old 12-31-2012, 04:49 AM
 
akind1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 3,225
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

:( MW - no advice - just hugs - I really hope you can go to a counselor or chaplain or something. would Sean be willing to do something like this: http://www.lejeune.usmc.mil/mcb/carolina_living_chaplainscorner01102008.asp

 

I don't know how to access a schedule or anything. Also the CREDO marriage retreats are awesome (so I've been told) but involve a weekend away, and you and Dylan are probably not ready for that yet.

 

DH tries really hard to clean when I'm gone to work. I appreciate it, but I really don't expect him to clean while I'm gone. I am happy so long as the kids are happy when I'm back. But I'm not going to tell him not to clean either. LOL

 

In other news. Norah has a cold. runny nose, I think a sore throat, and some coughing. She doesn't seem croupy, isn't running a fever, she's just miserabe :( Gabe is making good strides with potty training. He's still not super good at telling us when he "needs" to go. But maybe that's because he just takes the opportunities as they're offered? IDK. And he did poop in the toilet twice yesterday - I think it was just good timing + a touch of diarrhea. but hey! less poopy diapers!

 

Happy New Year's Eve!


Katrina - Mama to Gabriel  sleepytime.gif 11/20/2009 and Norah vbac.gif 10/11/2011- married to Wayne - geek.gif novaxnocirc.gifbfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifcd.gif&nbspand now new baby Theodore born 3/11/13 vbac.gif

akind1 is offline  
#321 of 380 Old 12-31-2012, 07:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yay for Gabe using the toilet!
Quote:
Originally Posted by akind1 View Post

greensad.gif MW - no advice - just hugs - I really hope you can go to a counselor or chaplain or something. would Sean be willing to do something like this: http://www.lejeune.usmc.mil/mcb/carolina_living_chaplainscorner01102008.asp

I don't know how to access a schedule or anything. Also the CREDO marriage retreats are awesome (so I've been told) but involve a weekend away, and you and Dylan are probably not ready for that yet

Yes, I've been trying to go to a CREDO marriage retreat for years. We haven't been able to because either dh isn't home or I have a nursling. One of these days...Although, the religious aspect bothers me a bit. As an atheist, anything pertaining to god just isn't going to work for me. It doesn't matter if it's non-denominational. I have been told that how heavy the religion is used depends on the particular Chaplain running the retreat or seminar at any particular time. That could be tricky for me.

I can't even go to the seminars because they last a full day and Dylan is still nursing every few hours. He probably would be ok for up to 6 hours but I don't want to leave him that long because that's a step toward weaning that I'm not ready to take. I could do it when he's 2 but by then dh will most likely be in Virginia and the rest of us will still be here in NC.

Sean didn't know about the individual retreats and seminars. I mentioned them to him. He kind of grunted but didn't say anything about going by himself. I'll probably have to tell him to go or he won't.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes View Post

 he's always angry b/c nobody seems to care what he has done or gotten done.

I have noticed this with the boys sometimes. I've been trying to make an effort to comment when dh does something.
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes View Post

And Chris defaults to me for everything, no matter how often I remind him he can take control.  I changed Finn's diaper last night and I was like, Oh, buddy you need a bath.  I went to run the water and Chris said, oh yeah I noticed earlier he stunk.  I thought about this for awhile.  Later I said, does it just not dawn on you to give him a bath, or do you think I should be the only one to do it?  He thought and said it doesn't dawn on him.  That it would be too difficult.

Sean does this sort of thing and I've asked him the same thing. He'll do just about anything if I ask him but he doesn't seem to think of it on his own. That starts to annoy me because it feels like he's not really active in our daily family life. Even dinner that he says he wants to cook most night, he'll sit and think about it, I guess, until it gets so late that everyone is very hungry and whiny and grumpy and then gets aggravated that everyone is like that. The only way to get dinner at a reasonable time is for me to tell him to get up and start making it. He won't say anything to me about it but when I bring it up, he says, "Oh, yeah, I've been thinking about that," or, "I've been wondering what to do/make." Um, why didn't you say something two hours ago? duh.gif

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#322 of 380 Old 12-31-2012, 08:42 AM
 
akind1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 3,225
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

The marriage retreat my parents attended in Okinawa is where I first heard about the Love Languages book. Having not read it myself (but having got the gist) - if you are probably OK with that level of religious stuff, you may be fine. Like any kind of group therapy, take what works and leave the rest. I went to a Personal Growth Retreat once (my parents were in charge of the kitchen/food for them in Okinawa for a while) . . . I liked it. It was a lot of internal processing more than anything. it was mostly people led. Most were dealing with grief. I enjoyed the time to sit on a secluded beach by myself and think. But I love the ocean. It didn't *seem* very religious to me. But then, being a more religious sort of person myself, it may not of occured to me be bothered by that aspect.

 

How long will Sean be in Virginia for? will you stay in NC, or go stay up there nearby?

 

In the meantime, any way the two of you can have some regular time to just talk and enjoy eachother, away from the kids? It seems the more kids you have, the harder it is to accomplish that.

 

In happy news - I love buying stuff for the new baby! only little stuff here and there, but it's how I nest. It's frustrating, bc I don't know what the weather will be like. March is a strange month.


Katrina - Mama to Gabriel  sleepytime.gif 11/20/2009 and Norah vbac.gif 10/11/2011- married to Wayne - geek.gif novaxnocirc.gifbfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifcd.gif&nbspand now new baby Theodore born 3/11/13 vbac.gif

akind1 is offline  
#323 of 380 Old 12-31-2012, 09:16 AM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Buying baby stuff is so fun!
Quote:
Originally Posted by akind1 View Post

The marriage retreat my parents attended in Okinawa is where I first heard about the Love Languages book. Having not read it myself (but having got the gist) - if you are probably OK with that level of religious stuff, you may be fine. Like any kind of group therapy, take what works and leave the rest. I went to a Personal Growth Retreat once (my parents were in charge of the kitchen/food for them in Okinawa for a while) . . . I liked it. It was a lot of internal processing more than anything. it was mostly people led. Most were dealing with grief. I enjoyed the time to sit on a secluded beach by myself and think. But I love the ocean. It didn't *seem* very religious to me. But then, being a more religious sort of person myself, it may not of occured to me be bothered by that aspect.

How long will Sean be in Virginia for? will you stay in NC, or go stay up there nearby?

In the meantime, any way the two of you can have some regular time to just talk and enjoy eachother, away from the kids? It seems the more kids you have, the harder it is to accomplish that.

I don't think the Love Languages book is religious. It's been years since I read it so maybe I forgot some parts but I don't remember anything overtly religious. I think that may be where the Chaplain running the retreat added his or her own twist to it.

It's kind of hard to take what you need and leave the rest if the entire thing is set up around a god that you don't believe in at all. That's the difference between being atheist and anything else. Maybe if I were Episcopalian and the Chaplain was Catholic, I could do that, but it doesn't really work that way if it's all based on something that I don't believe exists in any way, shape or form. Most religious people can't get that, I think, because they just can't grasp that I don't believe in any of it. Kind of like being called a satanist or devil worshiper for being atheist. Um, that's kind of impossible since satan can't exist without god.

My DH doesn't understand why I get bothered by the Chaplain doing an invocation at every military function. That goes against the Constitution and infringes of my and any other atheist or even most non-Christians' constitutional rights. He doesn't see what the problem is but he is a white, male Christian so he's never really had to consider things like that personally.

Right now, as it stands with the house, if he gets sent to Virginia, it will be for at least a year and maybe as much as 3 years. The kids and I will have to stay in our house because we can't sell or rent it for the price we owe/pay right now. I'm still trying to figure something out with that. Again, dh hasn't done anything but grunt and complain about it. He says I'm not supporting him because I tell him I'll have to stay here but he hasn't done anything to try to get the house situation solved.

I finally got him to agree to refinance today even though I've been asking him to look into it for at least 2 years now. Even with that I am the one who had to call the credit union to put in the application. Today was the last day to apply for their special refi program with reduced fees and increased loan amounts. He insisted he had to shave before he called in case he had to go somewhere even though I told him they didn't have any local loan officers here. (At first, he was going to waste time going to the credit union even though I told him repeatedly to call first because I was pretty sure he couldn't get anything done at the credit union. But why would he listen to me about any of that just because I'm the one who went through the whole process by myself 6 years ago while he was deployed. eyesroll.gif)

We may actually be able to start going on regular dates. My new friend who recently moved practically across the street from me from WV said she'd watch my kids if we ever wanted to do anything. Her kids are always over here and stay a lot while she runs errands so I don't feel so bad about asking her to keep mine for a date night a few times a month.

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#324 of 380 Old 12-31-2012, 10:04 AM
 
akind1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 3,225
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I can see where you are coming from re: religious things  - what I meant by take what you can - is if the chaplain can give you tips on communication and respect, and all that, those don't really involve religion, unless he says pray together (in which case, leave out that part). Shoot, we are religious, and we don't pray together. Though DH prefers to be called spiritual.

 

My main issue with invocations is that they are freaking boring. They are traditional though. FWIW - all it would take is enough atheists or pagan service members to complain, and they would have to stop, I'd think. most people just don't feel it's a big enough deal to get worked up about, would be my guess.

 

Hooray for refinancing and date nights!

 

I hope if/when he goes to VA you can visit regularly. it sucks to be separated so much.


Katrina - Mama to Gabriel  sleepytime.gif 11/20/2009 and Norah vbac.gif 10/11/2011- married to Wayne - geek.gif novaxnocirc.gifbfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifcd.gif&nbspand now new baby Theodore born 3/11/13 vbac.gif

akind1 is offline  
#325 of 380 Old 01-01-2013, 07:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by akind1 View Post

I can see where you are coming from re: religious things  - what I meant by take what you can - is if the chaplain can give you tips on communication and respect, and all that, those don't really involve religion, unless he says pray together (in which case, leave out that part). Shoot, we are religious, and we don't pray together. Though DH prefers to be called spiritual.

My main issue with invocations is that they are freaking boring. They are traditional though. FWIW - all it would take is enough atheists or pagan service members to complain, and they would have to stop, I'd think. most people just don't feel it's a big enough deal to get worked up about, would be my guess.

Hooray for refinancing and date nights!

I hope if/when he goes to VA you can visit regularly. it sucks to be separated so much.

Yeah, that's why I said it really depends on the particular Chaplain who happens to be running the retreat that we might go to. It's kind of hit or miss on who's running it. I don't know anything about any of the Chaplains or the particular denominations as far as which ones are more fundamentalist and which are not. Sean doesn't really know any of them so he can't say, either. And, then there's the issue of them coming and going so often that the person you get to know this week might be gone next week.

That's what happened when I went to talk to that Chaplain before. It turned out that Sean was sort of part of that unit still but kind of not. Then he was deploying so he could talk to a Chaplain in theatre but it wasn't the same person that had been referred to me. When he came back, new unit, new Chaplain but now that Chaplain is gone and there is another new one. It's kind of hard to feel comfortable discussing very personal issues with someone when you don't really know anything about them and you don't know how long they are going to be around. It's frustrating.

I agree that if enough people complained about the invocations in each unit, they would probably have to stop. I've not run into anyone else who understands my POV on them, much less agrees with me. Many religious people are so arrogant that they like to use that adage, "There are not atheists in foxholes." They refuse to accept that there are people who don't believe even when facing death. eyesroll.gif I used to get an atheist newsletter that spotlighted one military atheist in every newsletter. I stopped getting the newsletter because it was so negative. It seemed to be mostly about belittling religion and religious people. I don't need to do that.

It's close enough that he might be able to come home most weekends but only for a day or so. I think the cost of gas (especially since he insists on driving huge, gas guzzling trucks) might be too much.

Anyway, we are supposed to drive to Raleigh today to see my stepsister, her husband and my dad. It's 10 am and we're still waiting for the boys, including Dylan, to wake up. I may have to go rouse them.

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#326 of 380 Old 01-02-2013, 05:29 AM
 
akind1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 3,225
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

I hope you had a safe drive to Raleigh and a good visit with your family.

 

It's funny, WRT chaplains, because ones I expected to be fundamentalist-ish (seventh day adventist) I liked rather alot - and didn't disagree with very much.  And some others, I didn't. I think they are expected to generally deal with the Marine population at large, and  can't - or aren't supposed to - push an agenda. Some do better with this than others, of course. In regards to the constant changing of the guard, so to speak, that's frustrating. It's one reason I really dislike the on-base health care. The doctors and staff are all military and of course will rotate and change with no warning.  It's hard to develop a good working relationship. Maybe that's why I've never bothered as a civilian? LOL

 

New Years was good, nothing really exciting. Back to work today, and officially in single digit countdown. - 9 weeks left, as of today!


Katrina - Mama to Gabriel  sleepytime.gif 11/20/2009 and Norah vbac.gif 10/11/2011- married to Wayne - geek.gif novaxnocirc.gifbfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifcd.gif&nbspand now new baby Theodore born 3/11/13 vbac.gif

akind1 is offline  
#327 of 380 Old 01-02-2013, 09:03 AM
 
Baby_Cakes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 9,884
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by akind1 View Post

New Years was good, nothing really exciting. Back to work today, and officially in single digit countdown. - 9 weeks left, as of today!

 

joy.gif  How is this even POSSIBLE!!  But yayyy!!

 

I would really like to go to counseling with Chris but I'm worried they'll tell me some of my issues with sex are b/c I'm nursing.  I really don't want to hear that I should wean Finn.  That should be my decision and Finn's.  I had this huge talk with Chris the other night that part of me just feels so touched by the end of the day I really don't want anyone else tugging at me, but I don't think that's completely true.  I like sexual touch but I loathe a needy one.  I think that's where my repulsion for intimacy is coming from.  And nfn but DH comes across so needy it isn't attractive.  How can we work on this?  Any ideas?  I feel like the pressure is on me now to really fix things in this dept b/c he's had a few tantrums over not having sex often enough.  It's a fight every time I'm not in the mood.  

 

Anyway, have fun on your trip MW!

 

I'm thinking about re-joining WW today.  They have a new plan and I need all the help I can get.  I've gained so much and am really going to try hard to eat right, and exercise.  The treadmill is calling my name as I type!

 

BBL!


Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
Baby_Cakes is offline  
#328 of 380 Old 01-02-2013, 10:38 AM
 
akind1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: South Carolina
Posts: 3,225
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Carrie: I mean, some of it MIGHT be nursing. That's just the truth - however - if stuff needs to be fixed before you and Finn are ready to wean, then I guess it just has to be pushed through until that day comes?

 

Re: needy touch - OMG - yes, this makes me feel resentful. DH isn't like that often, but why would anyone want to have sex with a needy, grouchy person? The best I can figure out to do, is try to maintain a level of intimacy that nips that in the bud - but stuff happens, I get tired, and well. you know. I am still shocked that 7 years in, 2 and 3/4 kids later, we are having more sex than we have ever had. I can't explain it, but it's a good thing. What I find hard to do is to remember to take opportunities as they present themselves - it surprises and pleases DH that I'm at least THINKING about sex, even if sometimes we aren't able to take advantage of the opportunities.

 

I don't know if it would help Chris to know that you acknowledge things aren't like they used to be or maybe could or should be, and you want them to improve - that you aren't satisfied with the status quo? but maybe now isn't the best time for him to be needy - you have enough people needing you during the day, the last thing you need is another at night. Explain that maybe if some of your non-sexual needs were met (getting kids in bed earlier, allowing you decompression time, etc) you might be able to meet some of his sexual ones? IDK. That's all I can think of.

 

And WeightWatchers - if it works for you, go for it! DH wants to go low-carb again. . . I'm not exactly against it, but I'm not all for it either. Especially as we live and eat with my parents so often, there is no way all of us are going low carb with him. Honestly eating that much meat and veg gets expensive, not to mention making and buying things for separate meals.  But he wants to do it, so I'll watch :)


Katrina - Mama to Gabriel  sleepytime.gif 11/20/2009 and Norah vbac.gif 10/11/2011- married to Wayne - geek.gif novaxnocirc.gifbfinfant.giffamilybed1.gifcd.gif&nbspand now new baby Theodore born 3/11/13 vbac.gif

akind1 is offline  
#329 of 380 Old 01-02-2013, 11:56 AM
 
Baby_Cakes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 9,884
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by akind1 View Post

Carrie: I mean, some of it MIGHT be nursing. That's just the truth - however - if stuff needs to be fixed before you and Finn are ready to wean, then I guess it just has to be pushed through until that day comes?

 

It might be, but my honest feeling is that this is the season of life I'm in now, and DH needs to realize that.  I mean, we have all our lives to have sex but Finn will only be nursing for a short time.  You know?  I know you know.

 

Today he's in NYC all day and it's nice to be able to breathe.  It's overwhelming and smothering to have him around all the time.

 

Finn took an EPIC 3+ hour nap so I got in a good run, cleaned up, unloaded a ton of groceries, and am working on laundry too.  Feels nice to get back into the swing of things!

 

Low carb seems no fun!  orngbiggrin.gif


Carrie SAHM to Nora Caitlyn (5) and Finnley Dax (2) homebirthing, breastfeeding, babywearing, intactivist, doula mama!         
Baby_Cakes is offline  
#330 of 380 Old 01-02-2013, 03:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,521
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes View Post

It might be, but my honest feeling is that this is the season of life I'm in now, and DH needs to realize that.  I mean, we have all our lives to have sex but Finn will only be nursing for a short time.  You know?  I know you know.

ITA! If he's putting pressure on you (guilt trip?), he has an issue that he needs to deal with. That is on him, not you. I mean, even if you both need to work on being more intimate, neither one of you should be putting a guilt trip on the other just as neither one of you should be totally pushing the other away. Breastfeeding may put a bit of a damper on your sex drive but it shouldn't completely squash it.

A big thing with me is that I need to feel connected and intimate in other ways before I am comfortable having sex. DH and I go through this really awkward time right after he comes back from a deployment because of that. There's this sort of pressure on both of us to hurry up and jump in bed together because everyone around us is talking about how they can't wait to have sex with their partners again. But it's kind of weird for both of us at first, I think. If I feel like he is putting pressure on me to have sex, I get completely turned off and don't want to have anything to do with him. So, the last time he came home, he didn't do anything for months and I was left wondering if he ever would. Do you remember that? lol.gif

I worry sometimes that a counselor might give me a hard time about AP or breastfeeding or unschooling. Most don't understand any of that. They are very mainstream and I have found that a lot of the mainstream "expert" advice on marriage relationships and child discipline are way off from what I do or agree with or would ever do. Meanwhile, my dh doesn't think anything is wrong with any of it. It's all just personal preference.

What I would do is interview the counselor yourself before going with your DH. It's common to interview therapists and have to see a few before you find one that clicks with you. It can be frustrating and annoying but that really can't be avoided if you want to find someone who can really help you. I have had more luck with licensed clinical social workers (LCSW) rather than psychologists or therapists or even counselors. I'm not sure why that would make a difference but it really does seem to. Psychologists are more into the academic workings of the psyche and past experiences that may be influencing how you are behaving now, I think, whereas social workers are more into real life relationships and situations and finding ways to change how you think and what you do now to make things more positive. Anyone who practices cognitive behavioral therapy would probably be good. They focus on helping you change the way you think so that you can change the way you feel. The other thing to do is stand your ground about how breastfeeding is beneficial and arm yourself with documentation if needed. A good therapist should pick up on the fact that that is important to you and not something you will compromise on.

All of that being said, you know my issues with my marriage so I may not be the best person to take advice on about that. winky.gif

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
Reply

Tags
Taking Charge Of Your Fertility The Definitive Guide To Natural Birth Control Pregnancy Achievement , Taking Charge Of Your Fertility 10th Anniversary Edition The Definitive Guide To Natural Birth Contr , Parenting

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off