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#181 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 08:56 AM
 
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yeahthat.gif Nothing silly about it. Your love language is Gifts. That's fine. He should be aware of that. What is his love language?

 

His is touch.  Sexual touch.  


He's aware that my LL is gifts, we talked about it.  And he sometimes teases me about it, which makes me feel belittled.  Sometimes when we are having disagreement after disagreement, he makes a comment like, "Fine, what do you want me to buy for you this time?"  like it's about the object.  He's just frustrated.  I'm sure he feels the same way when I brush off his sexual requests or needs.  So, we both need to work on that. 

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 And he'll sit on the couch, which is his "signal" that he's game, but not otherwise make a move. Sorry, but I need more than that.  just not him, sitting on the couch looking grumpy.

 

Love language - for both of us, touch is a biggie. (not necessarily sexual touch) and I think for me, acts of service (helping around the house especially) It didn't used to be such a big deal, but since working from home and having kids, it really is.

 

SO hear you on the looking grumpy/waiting signal!  Also happens here!

 

Acts of service do NOTHING for me.  I get so annoyed by them, actually.  He will spend hours "cleaning" or decluttering or organizing, and want me to thank him and go out of my way to pat him on the back.  Now that I'm typing this out, it's like DUH this is how he's showing his love.  But to me its just a huge annoyance.  Sigh.  What do you do when THAT happens, lol?

And I'm actually laughing at myself, b/c I'll do something with cleaning, or take out the trash or something, and he will really kiss my feet to thank me for it and I just tell him to knock it off, don't THANK me for things I'm supposed to be doing.  Ha!  Omg I'm horrible.


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#182 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 09:51 AM
 
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You're not horrible! just funny -

 

We had a text convo, bc he wanted to know if I was mad at him . . . ugh. I don't know how to fix it, other than to get more energy, and in order to do that, I need him to pick up more slack and let me sleep. So IDK. It's not like I want to be exhausted all the time. Seriously.

 

I'm tired, and just tired of being tired. I hate using pregnancy and motherhood as excuses, but for reals. It wears me down. I feel like I can't give 100% anywhere - work, kids, marriage, housework, and that just sucks. Something has to give. This is why I look forward to my in-office work days. All I have to focus on is work while I'm there, not ignoring a dirty house or kids that want me, or anything else. It's actually a break. *sigh*

 

Anyway - this is the wrong time of year to worry about any of it. I need less stress, not more. so do we all! Drinks on me, ya'll!


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#183 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 11:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Um, pregnancy is not an excuse for being tired. You are growing an entire human being inside your body. That is physically exhausting! Parenting isn't an excuse, either, especially with very young children and babies. It makes me sad that you would even think of those reasons as excuses. That says to me that you've been taught to devalue motherhood and parenting. greensad.gif I'm sure that, consciously, you don't think that way but that is the underlying message that statements like that convey, which means that somewhere, subconsciously, in the back of your brain, you believe at least a little that motherhood and parenting aren't valuable or important. They are the most important jobs in this world. If it weren't for mothers having babies and parents caring for their children, we would not exist.

Haha, Carrie! Yeah, it sounds like acts of service are a big thing for your dh, maybe even more than sex. Is sexual touch even a LL? I thought the book said that was at least not just about sex. I crave touch without sex. Like last night, for once dh actually snuggled up to me in bed. That was so nice.

The thing to do is try to keep that knowledge in your thoughts. Whenever you do remember and notice him doing something, acknowledge it to him. Acknowledge to yourself that he cleaned that whatever because that's his way of taking care of the people he loves, you and the kids. I bet Annie would be thrilled if her dh did what yours does. winky.gif

I wish I could remember what my dh's secondary love language is. I think he says it's touch but he doesn't act like. He rarely even sits next to me, much less touches me. He almost invariably sits in a chair across the room from me even though I've told him many times that it would be nice if he sat next to me. I think his secondary LL is acts of service because he seems to like to cook for us and he almost always does the dishes and he likes to build things for us like the fence and the clubhouse.

So, I've tried this pump a few times. I don't like it. It kind of hurts and I'm afraid to pump it all the way. I haven't gotten more than a few drop of milk and none of it actually made it into the container. I got more with hand expressing and was able to put a few drops in Dylan's ear. Why would hand expressing work better than a pump? headscratch.gif

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#184 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 12:30 PM
 
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hmm. I don't know that I devalue it (motherhood, etc) though I probably do undervalue it - it's just something I do and am, and this is pregnancy #3, shouldn't I be used to it by now? LOL I think society in general probably does alot of undervaluing of pregnancy etc  (why should she complain, she CHOSE to be pregnant, etc - which is why I have big problems with so much of the language the pro-choice movement uses. probably shouldn't go there though. Another day) I just feel, on some level, that I could be, and should be doing more. But on another level, this is my last pregnancy, and I want to be able to relax and enjoy it a bit too.  - and too be fair - I don't know that DH necessarily expects so much, but part of me *thinks* he does and that has an impact.

 

Pump: what sort? I think it was a few weeks before I could turn it up full force, and I honestly don't get much unless it is turned up all the way - or close to all the way. Are you tense when you are pumping? that affects me alot  - I need to relax and distract myself in order to be more successful. You probably are both more focused and more relaxed when you hand express. Your body is also more accustomed to that vs. a pump. If it's important, keep at it. If not . . . well, it was a nice thought on Sean's part.


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#185 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 01:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just feel, on some level, that I could be, and should be doing more.

Ok, but if you could do more, wouldn't you be doing more? You are an always on the go kind of person so, if you aren't feeling up to doing a lot, I think that means you really shouldn't be doing more. Your body is telling you that you need to rest and relax more. It's ok to do that. winky.gif

I do the same to myself where I think dh expects more when he really doesn't. Then I get mad at him and act really mean. redface.gif

Devalue vs. undervalue, what's the difference?

It's a manual pump. I figured if I could get a few drops hand expressing I could probably get a little more with a manual pump. I'm not going to spend a lot on an electric pump that I don't need. This was a spur of the moment purchase after I was trying to hand express milk for Dylan's ear yesterday. I only got enough to get some in his ear once, first thing in the morning. I couldn't get any more after that. I asked dh to see if he could get me one from the Exchange so he got me whatever they had for only $20. smile.gif

I probably am a little tense with the pump because it kind of hurt, like pinching. I think I probably got the same amount as when I hand express but because it has to travel farther and go through a sealed flange or whatever it is, there wasn't enough to actually make it into the container. When I hand express directly into a little cup the milk can just drip down into the cup. KWIM? I tried using it while Dylan was nursing but he got distracted by the pump and stop nursing to play with it. He tried to drink the milk out of it. lol.gif

Sooooo, Ryan's girlfriend is taking a pregnancy test...

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#186 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 01:36 PM
 
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Are you tense when you are pumping? that affects me alot  - I need to relax and distract myself in order to be more successful. You probably are both more focused and more relaxed when you hand express. Your body is also more accustomed to that vs. a pump. If it's important, keep at it. If not . . . well, it was a nice thought on Sean's part.

Yes, that's a big thing to me is being relaxed and calm. Nursing at the same time helps a lot, but as you've seen, gets harder when they're older!! lol

 

Sometimes I feel 'pinchy' if my breast isn't 'seated' in there properly. Try moving it around a bit, it might feel better. Also a tiny bit of a lubricant can sometimes help- breastmilk or coconut oil or something. 


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#187 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 02:20 PM
 
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Haha, Carrie! Yeah, it sounds like acts of service are a big thing for your dh, maybe even more than sex. Is sexual touch even a LL? I thought the book said that was at least not just about sex. I crave touch without sex. Like last night, for once dh actually snuggled up to me in bed. That was so nice.
The thing to do is try to keep that knowledge in your thoughts. Whenever you do remember and notice him doing something, acknowledge it to him. Acknowledge to yourself that he cleaned that whatever because that's his way of taking care of the people he loves, you and the kids. I bet Annie would be thrilled if her dh did what yours does. winky.gif

So, I've tried this pump a few times. I don't like it. It kind of hurts and I'm afraid to pump it all the way. I haven't gotten more than a few drop of milk and none of it actually made it into the container. I got more with hand expressing and was able to put a few drops in Dylan's ear. Why would hand expressing work better than a pump? headscratch.gif

The action of the pump is something your breast is totally not used to.  I also can hand express very easily, a few drops, enough to use in an ear or an eye.  But I've been trying to pump for my friend and it's not working.  My body is just not responding well to the pump this time.  Crazy b/c I used to pump all the time with the same pump and get 4-6 oz at a time.  Give it time.

Don't forget too your supply for a toddler isn't about quantity.  The milk is so rich at this age, there isn't as much as there would have been even 6 mo ago.

 

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I probably am a little tense with the pump because it kind of hurt, like pinching. I think I probably got the same amount as when I hand express but because it has to travel farther and go through a sealed flange or whatever it is, there wasn't enough to actually make it into the container. When I hand express directly into a little cup the milk can just drip down into the cup. KWIM? I tried using it while Dylan was nursing but he got distracted by the pump and stop nursing to play with it. He tried to drink the milk out of it. lol.gif

Sooooo, Ryan's girlfriend is taking a pregnancy test...

 

I've tried a manual pump once and it was very pinchy.  Are the flanges the right size?

 

OH MY about the pg test!!!  EEEk!  What are you feeling about this??  

 

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Yes, that's a big thing to me is being relaxed and calm. Nursing at the same time helps a lot, but as you've seen, gets harder when they're older!! lol

 

Sometimes I feel 'pinchy' if my breast isn't 'seated' in there properly. Try moving it around a bit, it might feel better. Also a tiny bit of a lubricant can sometimes help- breastmilk or coconut oil or something. 

 

Finn gets down right MAD when he sees me pumping.  He will drop what he's doing and look at me offended, and cry and once he tried to grab it and throw it!  It's too much!

 

AFM - I feel like DEATH!  Sinus infection is hitting me HARD.  I took zinc and vit c and D and am resting.  


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#188 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 02:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sometimes I feel 'pinchy' if my breast isn't 'seated' in there properly. Try moving it around a bit, it might feel better. Also a tiny bit of a lubricant can sometimes help- breastmilk or coconut oil or something.

I tried moving it around. I don't know how to tell that it's positioned correctly. It didn't seem to matter how I positioned it. My nipples wouldn't go straight forward. shrug.gif Is that wrong?

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I've tried a manual pump once and it was very pinchy.  Are the flanges the right size?

I'm not sure what a flange is. There aren't that many pieces.
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OH MY about the pg test!!!  EEEk!  What are you feeling about this??  

I'm trying to remain calm until I know the outcome. Yesterday she said her period was a couple of days late. She's been feeling run down, getting migraines and her breasts are sore. She said she already took one test because Ryan told her to and it was negative but I'm not sure she did it right and it may have just been too early. Ryan went to the Dollar Tree yesterday and got her another test. She was supposed to take it this morning but didn't. I think she's a little scared.

It wouldn't be ideal if she is pregnant, but I don't think it would be horrible, either. She and Ryan are both older than I was when I had him. I'm too freakin' young to be a grandma but that's another issue!

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Finn gets down right MAD when he sees me pumping.  He will drop what he's doing and look at me offended, and cry and once he tried to grab it and throw it!  It's too much!

AFM - I feel like DEATH!  Sinus infection is hitting me HARD.  I took zinc and vit c and D and am resting.  

I hope you feel better soon. There is something nasty going around everywhere.

Dylan gets mad like that about things. He likes to pinch my nipples while he's nursing. When I move his hand away and block it, he unlatches and starts screaming and clawing at my shirt and acting crazy. It's like he has to prove that he can have that if he wants to. It is his! lol.gif

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#189 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 03:51 PM
 
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MW, oh my goodness...I don't even know what I would do if my DSS 17's girlfriend was taking a pg test. Keep us posted!

 

I have had the strangest AF. I even took a pg test today because it is so weird. It's been so light, no cramping, no dark blood, just light, watery red blood. shrug.gif Test was negative though.


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#190 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 04:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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MW, oh my goodness...I don't even know what I would do if my DSS 17's girlfriend was taking a pg test. Keep us posted!

Well, they are 21 and 23, both working and they have been living together for a few months so it's not quite the same as a teenager who is still mostly dependent on his parents, but yeah...

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#191 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 04:47 PM
 
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Well, they are 21 and 23, both working and they have been living together for a few months so it's not quite the same as a teenager who is still mostly dependent on his parents, but yeah...


I know but it would still freak me out! I don't want to think about any of my kids having a baby before they're 30! lol.gif


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#192 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 05:42 PM
 
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I'm just going to jump right in :P

 

The love languages book is awesome, we just bought it to gift my brother for Christmas. He is in his first serious relationship and it seems like it might come in handy. My husband's love language is quality time, me spending an hour playing video games with him goes a long way in our relationship. My primary is definitely touch (holding hands, cuddling,etc..) outside of sex.

 

MW - Babies are exciting, I hope they get the answer they are hoping for. My mom was a young grandma and opted to be a "Nana" because it didn't sound as old. 


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#193 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 07:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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MW - Babies are exciting, I hope they get the answer they are hoping for. My mom was a young grandma and opted to be a "Nana" because it didn't sound as old. 

If I were to be completely honest, I'd have to admit that it is a little exciting. I'll wait until it actually happens before I express that to them, though. They are not in any kind of financial shape for supporting a child. They are serious, I guess, because they've been looking for a place to rent together but they aren't married and aren't talking about getting married. So, I don't want to accidentally encourage a baby in the near future if it's not already imminent. KWIM?

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I know but it would still freak me out! I don't want to think about any of my kids having a baby before they're 30! lol.gif

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#194 of 380 Old 12-18-2012, 08:23 PM
 
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If I were to be completely honest, I'd have to admit that it is a little exciting. I'll wait until it actually happens before I express that to them, though. They are not in any kind of financial shape for supporting a child. They are serious, I guess, because they've been looking for a place to rent together but they aren't married and aren't talking about getting married. So, I don't want to accidentally encourage a baby in the near future if it's not already imminent. KWIM?
 

 

I completely understand, it makes lots of sense.

 

After spending nearly my whole day cleaning the basement (we started the project of "finishing" the basement back in April) it is mostly done. Sometimes all it seems is like I migrated the mess upstairs. *sigh*


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#195 of 380 Old 12-19-2012, 03:45 AM
 
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Lyterae - it's good to see you back here again! don't be a stranger (even though we see you on FB) - it's not the same

 

MW: Manually pumping for me is HARD. because it's hard to get a good rhythm, but once I do, I can do OK - I have the the lanisoh one. It's not the best pump, but it's one of the cheaper ones. Flange is the part that fits over your breast - it looks like a funnel.  Here is a good link for how to tell if it fits well: http://www.amedaonline.com/howtogetgofi.html

 

Ryan and his GF - exciting stuff! - I get that she's nervous and everything, but I think in the end, it's better to know one way or the other, than to be freaked out. My mom started wondering about grandkids when I was in high school and she wasn't yet 40 (not that she really wanted them then, but was looking forward to it). She was a grandma by 45. Gabe calls her Grammy and my dad PaPa. MIL is Nana (she always wanted to be called that) and FIL is Granddaddy. They were 49? I think when Gabe was born. I am sure, whatever the test results are, that it will spur them further on a decision making process as the future goes. I'm glad they are serious. If Ryan were in the service, I'd be pushing for marriage (because I've seen too many stupid women hook up with servicemen and have their babies without marriage. And in the service, no marriage,no benefits, not good for the women and babies) But since he's not . . IDK I've become very meh on the subject. If there are kids, I think marriage is good - but I also really have come to believe that you can have a great, commited, monogomous relationship without it too. (Don't tell my parents, they'd freak LOL)

 

Annie - you're funny - and that's odd about AF. sometimes it's just off. I don't know when I want my kids having kids . . .when they're ready?

 

Carrie - I hope you feel better soon!

 

AFM: devalue - not valued AT ALL vs undervalue: not valued ENOUGH. big difference. I do alot, but sometimes I think I make the wrong choices -  or at least could be making better ones. I do alot with the kids outside the house because, frankly, I really don't want to clean. But the house does need to be cleaned, and the dishes done, and laundry folded an put away. I don't have time or energy to do both of those things, but I choose the easier path. I guess I feel like I should be making more responsible choices. I just don't wanna LOL. I want to take care of and maintain my parents' house, and I am kind of sucking at that right now. At some point, I want to rearrange the master bedroom, take down border, and get new curtains. Not a big priority, but that's there on the wish list.

 

The lights at the park was great last night - the kids loved it, and it was fun to be out, and just slightly chilly. great weather. I think that's the last of the holiday activities until Christmas Eve.  We showed Gabe Santa. Gabe waved, but wanted nowhere near him. Oh well. Not pushing, but thought we'd offer the opportunity. I need coffee.


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#196 of 380 Old 12-19-2012, 04:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ryan and his GF - exciting stuff! - I get that she's nervous and everything, but I think in the end, it's better to know one way or the other, than to be freaked out. My mom started wondering about grandkids when I was in high school and she wasn't yet 40 (not that she really wanted them then, but was looking forward to it). She was a grandma by 45. Gabe calls her Grammy and my dad PaPa. MIL is Nana (she always wanted to be called that) and FIL is Granddaddy. They were 49? I think when Gabe was born. I am sure, whatever the test results are, that it will spur them further on a decision making process as the future goes. I'm glad they are serious. If Ryan were in the service, I'd be pushing for marriage (because I've seen too many stupid women hook up with servicemen and have their babies without marriage. And in the service, no marriage,no benefits, not good for the women and babies) But since he's not . . IDK I've become very meh on the subject. If there are kids, I think marriage is good - but I also really have come to believe that you can have a great, committed, monogamous relationship without it too. (Don't tell my parents, they'd freak LOL)

I have talked to Ryan periodically about being careful. He kept telling me that she couldn't get pregnant but couldn't really give me any details on why. He just said something about her insides being all messed up. I told him, "Well, you know I was told by 3 different doctors that I could not get pregnant without fertility treatments but look at me now, 4 kids later." lol.gif I think I'll probably be a little disappointed if she's not pregnant.

It's driving me crazy that she hasn't taken another test yet! My testing obsession got so bad that when I found some old fertility tests while I was searching for any lost, hidden pg tests I had to take one just to get that out of my system. bag.gif

I think marriage is better if there are kids only because it makes it at least a little harder to walk away. At the very least, you'd have to file papers with the court to set up a legal separation and then divorce. Sadly even today, it also gives the child a legal father. Without marriage you have to prove in court that the child is the father's before you can get child support. If you are married, the assumption is that the husband is the father and the man would have to prove in court that it wasn't if he was contesting it. At least, that's how it is in Virginia and I assume it's probably the same in most, if not all, the other states.

I don't know if things have changed but children of military members do get benefits, or at least they get TriCare medical coverage. I guess the mother wouldn't get it for prenatal care but she could always get Medicaid, which might be better.
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AFM: devalue - not valued AT ALL vs undervalue: not valued ENOUGH. big difference. I do alot, but sometimes I think I make the wrong choices -  or at least could be making better ones. I do alot with the kids outside the house because, frankly, I really don't want to clean. But the house does need to be cleaned, and the dishes done, and laundry folded an put away. I don't have time or energy to do both of those things, but I choose the easier path. I guess I feel like I should be making more responsible choices. I just don't wanna LOL. I want to take care of and maintain my parents' house, and I am kind of sucking at that right now. At some point, I want to rearrange the master bedroom, take down border, and get new curtains. Not a big priority, but that's there on the wish list.

I guess I have a completely different perspective. I would think that your parents would start doing more for you since you are pregnant and have two other little kids to take care of. Really, that's what we need more of in this world, family members, grandparents, aunties and sisters taking care of pregnant women and mothers with young children.

Taking care of your children and making sure they are happy is responsible, but more importantly it is loving and caring and kind. smile.gif Remember that old adage about how your kids won't remember how clean the house was but they will remember whether or not they felt loved (or something like that).

And I know I've said it a gazillion times but I'll say it again. winky.gif None of those things NEED to be done. You do not HAVE to do any of them. I have found that when everything becomes a choice, it's a lot easier to do it all. Do what you want. Do what you can. Ask for more help from everyone around you. Let the rest go.

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The thing with choice is living with the consequences. I would rather clean, at some point, than live in a stinky house full of mold and roaches, and it's not safe for the kids either, which also makes it not a valid option, IMHO.

 

My parents do help out a ton - when we are upstairs, they do a good bit of the playing, my mom cooks dinner most nights, and they both work (and my dad is also in school full time) - I couldn't ask them to do more. If we lived completely on our own, I think I'd go crazy. I try really hard not to abuse their help.

 

i think kids can get benefits - so long as the military member claims them (and that's the biggie, isn't it?) I don't know if much has changed, but when we lived there, choosing between Onslow memorial and the Naval Hospital was a tough one - neither were stellar options. IDK why (because we rarly needed hospital services)  but neither one had a great reputation.

 

My MIL would probably help out more - But I don't know if I want her too. Gabe doesn't like being left over there much lately. He watches us like a hawk when we go visit to make sure we aren't going to sneak off and leave him. He usually does enjoy the time he spends there with FIL though. I wish he were at the point where we could get him to tell us more. I don't think anything bad is happening, only that the fun is severely limited and it's kind of boring.  He likes being there, as long as we are there too. I think it's just a phase. MIL I think hopes it will be like when DH was small and he hated going home, and always wanted to be with his grandparents. He'd fight and fight to go stay with them and not at home. I don't think that's going to happen with Gabe.

 

We have a busy weekend coming up - 2 birthday parties on Saturday. Cookie baking with MIL on Sunday . . . I'm looking forward to the 4 day weekend.


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The thing with choice is living with the consequences. I would rather clean, at some point, than live in a stinky house full of mold and roaches, and it's not safe for the kids either, which also makes it not a valid option, IMHO.

You're missing the point, I think. I didn't say to not do anything. It's a mental mindshift. Stop thinking of all these things as "have tos" because they really are not. Everything you do at every moment is a choice. You are making a choice whether you realize it or not. Start to be conscious of your choices instead of looking around at all of those things and seeing them as things you have to do.

Obviously, you don't have to do them because you have said you choose to take the kids out rather than stay home and do them. If you really aren't happy with that choice, then make another one next time. If you are happy with your choice, then turn off the voices inside your head that are trying to make you feel like you are being irresponsible. Where do those voices come from? Your family, society?

Somewhere along the line you have gotten the message that you are irresponsible, wrong (bad?) if you don't do certain things. You maybe see taking the kids out for fun stuff as goofing off when you should be doing more important, productive things like chores. I think that's very common. I would guess that most people think that way. That's a very common attitude. You must do work or chores or school, all those things that aren't "fun", before you can do anything you truly enjoy. You can never have dessert until after you've eaten dinner. That's a very sad way to live, imo. You should enjoy life as much as you can and get rid of those old voices in your head that are trying to ruin it for you.

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#199 of 380 Old 12-19-2012, 08:07 AM
 
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Rough day today. It's been 3 weeks since I miscarried, my relationships just feel fake anymore, including my marriage unfortunatley. I'm having a terrible time connecting with people. My house is cleaner than it has been in years, I'm not doing it conciously but I think I'm avoiding dealing with my emotions or thinking by cleaning. At this point in time as I couldn't even say what is actually wrong, I just feel empty.


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#200 of 380 Old 12-19-2012, 08:23 AM
 
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The thing with choice is living with the consequences. I would rather clean, at some point, than live in a stinky house full of mold and roaches, and it's not safe for the kids either, which also makes it not a valid option, IMHO.

Yes!! I mean yes, technically MW you are right, it's a "choice" to clean, or to make dinner, etc etc. But let's be realistic, eating isn't a choice, and some choice options are just not valid for a realistic right. Yes, -technically- we could all 'choose' to order in every night and hire a housecleaner. But after we put ourselves severely into debt, that kind of stops being an option. If we want to keep our kids and be healthy then there are certain facts of life that just... are. Obviously there's a choice to some things, you can make a decision as to how clean the house is going to be, or whether you're going to do it tonight or tomorrow, but in reality, these choices aren't always entirely within our control or black and white. 

 

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You're missing the point, I think. I didn't say to not do anything. It's a mental mindshift. Stop thinking of all these things as "have tos" because they really are not. Everything you do at every moment is a choice. You are making a choice whether you realize it or not. 

This kind of reminds me of when people say "Oh you just need to reframe your mind. Don't say 'my baby doesn't sleep', say 'I'm tired and need more sleep'," and for them apparently, that makes a huge difference and suddenly they're all ok again. But there's definitely people for which that reframing does not work. You're still tired at the end of the day. And at the end of the day, (week, month...) the house still needs to get clean at some point. 

 

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Rough day today. It's been 3 weeks since I miscarried, my relationships just feel fake anymore, including my marriage unfortunatley. I'm having a terrible time connecting with people. My house is cleaner than it has been in years, I'm not doing it conciously but I think I'm avoiding dealing with my emotions or thinking by cleaning. At this point in time as I couldn't even say what is actually wrong, I just feel empty.

Oh hun *hugs* Give yourself time. Miscarriage is such a hard thing because not only are you dealing with your own emotions, but trying to tiptoe around everyone else too. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this :(


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You should enjoy life as much as you can and get rid of those old voices in your head that are trying to ruin it for you.

 

yeahthat.gif

 

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Rough day today. It's been 3 weeks since I miscarried, my relationships just feel fake anymore, including my marriage unfortunatley. I'm having a terrible time connecting with people. My house is cleaner than it has been in years, I'm not doing it conciously but I think I'm avoiding dealing with my emotions or thinking by cleaning. At this point in time as I couldn't even say what is actually wrong, I just feel empty.

 

hug2.gif  Be gentle with yourself.  Clean if you need to clean, if that is where you need to put your focus right now. I can't imagine your sadness and grief.   The people who love you will be there for you when you are ready. grouphug.gif

 

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Yes!! I mean yes, technically MW you are right, it's a "choice" to clean, or to make dinner, etc etc. But let's be realistic, eating isn't a choice, and some choice options are just not valid for a realistic right. Yes, -technically- we could all 'choose' to order in every night and hire a housecleaner. But after we put ourselves severely into debt, that kind of stops being an option. If we want to keep our kids and be healthy then there are certain facts of life that just... are. Obviously there's a choice to some things, you can make a decision as to how clean the house is going to be, or whether you're going to do it tonight or tomorrow, but in reality, these choices aren't always entirely within our control or black and white. 

 

I think it's more about the "shoulds" that we hear in the back of our minds.  Let them go.  Sure we "should" clean the house and we should wear a hat when it's cold.  But who really cares?  We feel like we should b/c we are raised being told we should.  We don't NEED to do those things just because someone else thinks we ought to. If we make the CHOICE of our own free will to clean b/c it makes us happy/keeps us healthy, then that's our choice.  If we wear a hat b/c WE don't want to be cold, we made that choice.  Nobody is telling us we NEED to do those things.  We choose to do them b/c they are our choice to do.

 

MW - you are really rubbing off on me! lol.gif


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#202 of 380 Old 12-19-2012, 09:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Rough day today. It's been 3 weeks since I miscarried, my relationships just feel fake anymore, including my marriage unfortunatley. I'm having a terrible time connecting with people. My house is cleaner than it has been in years, I'm not doing it conciously but I think I'm avoiding dealing with my emotions or thinking by cleaning. At this point in time as I couldn't even say what is actually wrong, I just feel empty.

It has only been 3 weeks. That's not a very long time to grieve. Take care of yourself. hug.gif

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#203 of 380 Old 12-19-2012, 09:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Exactly, Carrie.

JJ ~ All of those are still choices. You do not have to do any of it. You could choose to give your kids up. You could decide you don't care about being healthy. People make even more extreme choices than that every day. Acknowledging all the options does not make them all equal or valid but they are still options. If you refuse to accept that there are lots of options and you are choosing to do what you do every moment of every day, that's your choice. winky.gif That's the reality.

It's not the same as changing the way you think about being physically tired. You are right that you will still be tired even if you change the way you think about it. However, if you change the way you think about it, you might not be perpetually angry with your child because of it. That change in thinking can help find solutions that are based on anger. If one is so sleep-deprived that she cannot function, she has the option of putting her child in a safe place so she can get some rest. Asking for help and making it clear how desperate she is important. I think a lot of people ask for help but don't convey how serious the situation is.

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#204 of 380 Old 12-19-2012, 10:20 AM
 
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Lyterae - it's been 3 weeks? Give yourself some time to grieve - If you need a place to talk about it, we are here for that (but also, if you are't ready or don't want to)  - Loss is such a personal, intimate thing. It's going to take some time to reconnect with other people, when I'm sure you have a hard time even connecting to yourself - (BTW, come clean my house?) - When you can, let other people help you - hugs, meals, whatever. And hold your other kids tight. They miss you.  My mother had 2 losses (a still birth and a baby that died shortly after) and I don't know how long it took her to re-connect with us - I just know she was sad for a long time. I think focusing on some things outside herself (for her it was diet/excersise) helped the most.

 

Just, hugs. lots of them.

 

I don't think I can reframe it anyway that will make me enjoy cleaning. I like the end result :) And I will admit I can be picky about how it's done - but I am far less that way than I used to be. And honestly, I do choose to have fun 9 times out of 10 rather than do things that "should" be done, and that's a problem. Because by putting it off, it only makes it worse, and then it's a huge job I really don't have the energy for. I don't hate the cleaning as much as I used to - or even dread it - it's just something I'd rather not do. I have a running list in my head of the things that I want to be done but I can never get around to it because of the basic stuff.  - Like organizing. I *LOVE* organizing. I may suck at keeping things that way, but I like to do it. Mind is going blank. I need more caffeine.

 

JJ: hope Ten is doing well! and staying healthy.

 

I hope everyone stays healthy. The colds going around this season seem to be awful.


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#205 of 380 Old 12-19-2012, 06:20 PM
 
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Lyterae, I'm so sorry about your loss. I don't think we are friends on FB but feel free to friend me if you would like. My real name is Lauri. I'm friends w/MW, Baby_Cakes, akind1 and JJ.

 

Baby_Cakes, I meant to say something about your DH's love language. Are you sure his primary is physical touch? A lot of men assume their primary love language is physical touch because they are more sexual creatures but that's different than physical touch. My DH's secondary love language is physical touch. He likes to hold hands, give and get back rubs, hug, snuggle, etc. I have to work really hard at that because I have sensory issues and sometimes it DRIVES ME CRAZY.

 

Taking Ava to get her pictures done at Olan Mills tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. Oh and the last two nights, she's not needed a bottle after I got home. So I've been able to sleep 6-7 hrs straight. Thank goodness!


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#206 of 380 Old 12-20-2012, 03:41 AM
 
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appointment later this morning  - yay - I'd take DS with me, except I don't know what to do with him while I PIAC and all that. I think he'd like to hear the heart beat.  Oh well. Then the Chiropractor later this afternoon. busy day.

 

Lauri - hope the pics go well. Ava is such a ham - you may not get the pictures you expect, but I bet they will still be adorable!


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#207 of 380 Old 12-20-2012, 04:45 AM
 
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I know I've said it before but I miss OB appointments! Have fun listening to baby boy's heartbeat. Do you not want him to see you peeing in a cup? Or are you worried he's going to get in to something? I'd probably take him but I'm a fast pee-er so there's not much time for mischief.

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#208 of 380 Old 12-20-2012, 05:05 AM
 
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Ha! the kid sees me peeing all the time - we don't ever shut doors. It's more or less I'm not sure how the office handles that. Most people bring another person to help with any children.

And I have stage fright when it comes to PIAC. I have to drink a lot and hold my pee for a couple hours beforehand in order to be able to perform, LOL. You'd think by the 3rd kid, I'd be a pro!

 

I don't mind appointments. They are a bit of a hassle to tell you not much you don't know already, but I do like hearing the heartbeat.


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#209 of 380 Old 12-20-2012, 07:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't think I can reframe it anyway that will make me enjoy cleaning.

I don't think it's necessarily about enjoying it. It's more about not dreading it. A lot of that dread comes from the idea that you have to do it (whether you realize that voice is running in your head or not). It can also help to come up with other ways of getting things done if you don't feel like you are the one who should be doing it.

I would just take Gabe in the bathroom with you. I've never been to a doctor's office where I got any sense that anyone thought that was strange.

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Baby_Cakes, I meant to say something about your DH's love language. Are you sure his primary is physical touch? A lot of men assume their primary love language is physical touch because they are more sexual creatures but that's different than physical touch.

yeahthat.gif That's what I was getting at when I asked if there even was a "sexual touch" LL. I'm pretty sure the book specifically distinguishes between the physical touch LL and sex. They are not the same.

Onto other business. smile.gif Do your toddlers fuss a lot? Dylan seems to fuss and cry and scream and get angry a lot. I know being a toddler can be very frustrating because he wants to do so much more than he can. This morning he had a screaming fit because I wouldn't let him get a roll of toilet paper out. He pushes and hits and screams and flops himself on the floor. I swear Ethan and Kellen didn't do that. I do remember Ethan being fussy sometimes but not like that. I don't remember Kellen being like that at all. He was very chill. It upsets me because I'm worried that it means he's not getting enough love and attention just because I have other kids I have to do things for, too.

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#210 of 380 Old 12-20-2012, 07:36 AM
 
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Finn has started to fuss a LOT and throw down.   He's tantrumming over what I think are little things, that I used to easily be able to redirect or substitute.  ("No you can't have Nora's baby, but here is your baby," cue screaming crying fit, running off and throwing himself down on the floor).

 

Anyway.

 

I'll put some thought into what you're saying about physical touch.  It's a bit of an eye opener to realize acts of service is one of his love languages.  That might even be his primary one, I'm not sure.  We are so caught up in arguing over sex lately, I feel like it must be the only way he knows how to show his love.  

 

I'm still sick.  My ears are clogged and I'm dizzy from it.  How do I make garlic oil?

 

Going to take the kids for a walk - hopefully the fresh cold air will help us all feel a bit better.  Need to get some exercise, too.  I am really down about my weight lately.  When I was nursing Nora the weight just came off, no issues.  It's not happening this time.  I looked in the mirror the other day and I realized I truly look like 5 mo pregnant.  Sigh.


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