Second guessing my parenting... BTDT Mamas help please! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 15 Old 02-08-2013, 04:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So DD is 12 months and we are a happy little co-sleeping, heartily breastfeeding family.  I really follow her lead mostly and this is where it has led us. But when I go to play dates, I really start to second guess myself. For example, every other mom has sleep trained their LOs, and when they ask how is my girl sleeping, what can I say? She's still up at least 4 times a night.  How is she eating? Still not much solids, but growing like a weed fueled by breast milk.  In this area, no one and I mean NO ONE breast feeds to 6 months, forget about past a year. 

 

I guess what I'm getting at is that I get this vibe from other moms like "why aren't you making her eat solids, sleep through the night, etc".  And I feel like that just isn't my DD, and it also isn't me to be a sleep training, hyper scheduled mom.  But this makes me feel like, am I being lazy? Am I really just a lazy mom, or am I respecting my DD? My DD is also not a particularly easy going kiddo like many of those other moms kids, is my parenting to blame for this? Moms who have been there done that, straighten me out!!


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#2 of 15 Old 02-08-2013, 05:17 PM
 
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I hardly qualify as BTDT with my first at 16 months and me screwing up left, right and center, but if you're looking at your child and meeting your child's needs, you're doing a good job.


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#3 of 15 Old 02-08-2013, 10:16 PM
 
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If what you're doing is working for you and your family, that's all you need to say.


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#4 of 15 Old 02-08-2013, 10:51 PM
 
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rLol we are the same. Studies show that the more attention, nursing and interaction you give her now will help he to be more independent later. No worries you are doing it right. It's not lazy you are meeting her needs on her terms. I tried to force feed my son solids from pressure from others. Now he winces if I offer him anything on a spoon.
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#5 of 15 Old 02-08-2013, 11:25 PM
 
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well if dd is not easy going due to my parenting then this is my proud moment. i am due kuddos coz while still intense dd has turned into a delightful 10 year old around whom i love hanging out because she is such an interesting person. 

 

you know you ARE practising child centric parenting. the others THINK they are practising child centric parenting when in fact they are practising society centril parenting. 

 

have confidence in yourself and most important.

 

give yourself a break once in a while so your whole being is not lost in the mommy role. 


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#6 of 15 Old 02-08-2013, 11:46 PM
 
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There is an expectation out there that babies will fit into adults' existing lifestyle and any behaviour that is inconsistent with that is negative. Rather than buy into this misconception, you're meeting your child's needs and following her lead on what she is ready to accomplish. You're not lazy but responsive. You accept that babies wake at night and need most of their nutrition from BM at 12 months. You're giving your LO the best start possible. If you enjoy spending time with these moms then just have the line "I don't mind, it works for us" ready and change the subject. Be confident that your dd is thriving and discuss the kids' development rather than parenting.
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#7 of 15 Old 02-10-2013, 05:26 AM
 
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When in the thick of new parenting, we seem to obsess over these kind of choices. When you start solids will have no bearing on the friends you keep in a year. Keep doing what works for your family, and keep confident. It is what works for you. When you try to do something that doesn't work for your family, you make parenting much harder than it needs to be.

 

people may ask you what you are doing or how things are going, but if you assume they are asking from a "exploring options" standpoint, rather than a critical one, you might feel more comfortable with their questions.

 

Oh-- my youngest didn't accept solids until 12 months. When offered prior to that, she just fed the dog. She's now a happy 5 year old, and eats just fine. I can promise that she didn't nurse forever.


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#8 of 15 Old 02-10-2013, 06:15 AM
 
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I think I was lucky that I perceived my child as easy and delightful. He probably wasn't any easier or more delightful than any other toddler--an age group not generally known for its easy delightfulness. What it meant, though, was that when I felt pressured to parent differently, I would look at the kid and say, "But I'm clearly doing something right!"

 

Now, you know what you need to do. Look at the kid. If she is learning all the time, and doing funny, cute things, and growing, and generally being so awesome you can't stand it, don't change a thing. (And I know she is.)

 

There is no safe way to parent a toddler lazily, and no matter what choices you make about feeding and sleep and so on, you're going to be working hard. So stop feeling bad about being lazy. Steer the playgroup conversation so that the other parents have to tell cute stories about their kids instead of making it all about measuring sleep and food. Or better yet, use the adult conversation time to talk about adult things! 


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#9 of 15 Old 02-10-2013, 08:03 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Pajama View Post

people may ask you what you are doing or how things are going, but if you assume they are asking from a "exploring options" standpoint, rather than a critical one, you might feel more comfortable with their questions.

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by captain optimism View Post

There is no safe way to parent a toddler lazily, and no matter what choices you make about feeding and sleep and so on, you're going to be working hard. So stop feeling bad about being lazy. Steer the playgroup conversation so that the other parents have to tell cute stories about their kids instead of making it all about measuring sleep and food. Or better yet, use the adult conversation time to talk about adult things! 

both EXCELLENT points - totally different way of looking at things. makings living with others so much easier. just being aware and seeing th world thru different eyes really makes life so much easier. 


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#10 of 15 Old 02-10-2013, 11:51 AM
 
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I remember going places where I was the only mom still breastfeeding (a toddler even), or the only one using cloth diapers, or the only one whose baby wasn't eating three square meals (or any solid foods at all), or the only one whose baby hadn't been sleep trained. I just kept on doing what I was doing. Their babies grew, and my baby grew, and the differences got fewer as our kids got older, though there are still some differences. But try to just relax about areas where you're made different parenting choices. They probably feel as judged as you feel. All parents feel like it's a judgement on their choices when they see people doing things differently, but really it's just people who made a different choice.

 

I also agree with the previous posts. 

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#11 of 15 Old 02-11-2013, 08:36 AM
 
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I just want to say that while your parenting style does influence your kid for sure, they are also born with their personalities and you can't change them. I had a high-needs, poor sleeper and I just don't think she was able to be scheduled, influenced and nudged, yes, but fully scheduled no way. It does not fit her personality. I feel you as I felt the same talking to the daycare providers and other daycare moms who's kids had been sleeping through or maybe waking one time a night and mine kid was still waking 3-4 times a night. I don't think my AP style made her worse, I think it made her better smile.gif My brother and his wife had one of those easy-going babies and they could whatever basically, rigid schedule or go on a trip where the schedule was all shot and he took it all in stride. My DD would never have been like that smile.gif

I was lucky in that there is a wide range of BFing normal in my area from straight to formula to BFing for years and everyone generally thinks BFing = good so I didn't get any flak for nursing for 19 months from either side. I did get some questions about waiting on solids until 6 months from a few people (a lot of moms at least start cereal at 4 months), but I just said that was the new recommendation and with history of food allergies it really makes sense to be careful (and DD does have food allergies now even so!)

It can definitely be tough when you don't feel like you are with your people, but I think once you get past most of the rather touchy baby stuff, it gets easier to connect again. As others have said, some will take your different choices like you made those choices as a judgement on them when you are just doing what works for your family. That's sort of my mantra when talking about what I do is that it works for my family and that I will either say or imply that everyone should do what works for their family. I find that helps take the pressure off of some of those hot button baby issues (BFing, co-sleeping, etc.) with any but the most argumentative sorts.

So I definitely feel you, I second guessed my parenting often with infant DD, I think all new moms do, but now that DD is 3 I can look back with no regrets and I think I did a great job and I am sure you are too. Not saying I don't have moments of second guessing with my toddler, but mostly I'm confident now that I will do a good job and that it is ok and good to seek out help and advice when I get stuck. And you are definitely not being lazy BTW, you are going at your DD's pace as much as you can and I think that's great.

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#12 of 15 Old 02-11-2013, 09:23 AM
 
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My youngest is the same age as yours. My oldest is 20 so this gives me a lot of perspective and makes it easier for me to be really confident in how I choose to parent my kids. In general, it's difficult to tell amongst my older kids' friends which ones had parents who coslept or exclusively breasted for 6 months or cloth diapered etc. However, it definately mattered to me and mykids have a certain confidence and easy going attitude about life that I think was brought about from my ap approach to parenting. So I definately continue to parent my younger kids this way. I don't think it's anyone elses business how I do things in my home. I don't talk about how often my 1 year old nurses during the night to anyone but my husband. If anyone asks how he sleeps I say he sleeps fine. Because I've discovered that it is fine for 1 year olds to nurse during the night. All of my kids nursed during the night when they were 1. My 20 year old now sleeps all night long as does my 17 year old, my 8 year old, and even my 5 year old. If I discuss night time nursing with parents that let their babies cry it out when they were 3 months old, I'm going to get bad advice from parents who do things differently from me. So I don't talk about this unless they want advice from me. If I need advice I would post here where like minded moms can offer me support and advice that is more in line with my beliefs. I already know that extended breastfeeding is beneficial. I don't debate it with my mother in law who formula fed from day one.

So my advice is to do your research on what works, come here for advice and support, and be confident that you are the best mom for your child. You don't have to defend your parenting methods or even discuss them. Just converse about how cute everyones kids are and the fun things they do or the great movie you saw. Follow your child's lead and meet your dd's needs just like you're doing. You are not a lazy parent you are doing what works and meeting your child's needs. These needs change all the time and you will be flexible enough to change along with them. Keep up the good work. You're doing great!
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#13 of 15 Old 02-14-2013, 05:01 AM
 
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Do what works for you and don't stress about what other moms are doing.

 

I was miserable when DS was that age, b/c we were SO different. He had sleep issues. I hated hearing about how other moms went and got their kids when they woke up, and brought the babies into their beds so they could get another hour or two of sleep. Not my son. He wouldn't co sleep to save his life. Nor would he sleep through the night on his own.... He wouldn't eat solids -- they made him choke and gag and we had to get him OT. Everyone else's kids were running around with gold fish and fruit snacks, and mine was still on a bottle. We used cloth diapers, which one mom told me here husband said were "GROSS." Thanks. I was the only one taking my child for a time-in  when he hit other kids at 2 years old. The other moms threatened "no lollipop when we get home" but didn't do a thing to stop the hitting. There was one time I just lost it out of pure frustration.

 

And you know what? Years later, I can look at the other kids and at mine and know that I have done a GREAT job (or at least I have a great kid) and none of that stuff matters. You can't be doing it wrong if your child is healthy and happy. 

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#14 of 15 Old 02-17-2013, 08:45 AM
 
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If co-sleeping and breastfeeding makes all children needy, I'm doing it wrong. I do everything you're doing and I have a super chill, friendly toddler. Nothing has convinced me more that kids just have their own characters and they just roll how they roll. There's nothing wrong with your kid or how you're parenting.

 

My son was still nursing a lot at 12 months, even though we started giving him finger foods at 5 months. Now at 14 months, he's getting more into eating, but honestly? We still nurse every 2-4 hours. Is it lazy? No, but I won't pretend it isn't convenient. Breastmilk is always available, pre-warmed, easily dispensable, not messy, and nutritionally well balanced. I don't have to hunt for a clean baby spoon. I don't have to make sure there are no chunks he might choke on. I don't have to make annoying "yum" noises to convince him to eat it and then pretend he just invented calculous whenever he takes a damn bite of oatmeal so he'll take another bite. Breastfeeding is easy and feeding kids solids is hard, and boring. There, I said it, and haters can hate. :)

 

Breastfeeding a toddler isn't lazy. It's AWESOME. Enjoy.

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#15 of 15 Old 02-17-2013, 10:45 AM
 
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If co-sleeping and breastfeeding makes all children needy, I'm doing it wrong. I do everything you're doing and I have a super chill, friendly toddler. Nothing has convinced me more that kids just have their own characters and they just roll how they roll. There's nothing wrong with your kid or how you're parenting.

My son was still nursing a lot at 12 months, even though we started giving him finger foods at 5 months. Now at 14 months, he's getting more into eating, but honestly? We still nurse every 2-4 hours. Is it lazy? No, but I won't pretend it isn't convenient. Breastmilk is always available, pre-warmed, easily dispensable, not messy, and nutritionally well balanced. I don't have to hunt for a clean baby spoon. I don't have to make sure there are no chunks he might choke on. I don't have to make annoying "yum" noises to convince him to eat it and then pretend he just invented calculous whenever he takes a damn bite of oatmeal so he'll take another bite. Breastfeeding is easy and feeding kids solids is hard, and boring. There, I said it, and haters can hate. smile.gif

Breastfeeding a toddler isn't lazy. It's AWESOME. Enjoy.

Amen!!!!
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