Too dependent - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 8 Old 02-28-2013, 05:33 AM - Thread Starter
 
Dandelionkid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,674
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Never thought I'd use those words in relation to my kids but I'm coming to the realization that, in my attempt to securely attach, I have fostered a neediness that is unhealthy.

. My Oldest dd can never have enough of me. Doesn't matter if I spend an hr at bedtime with her, or take her out for special time, nothing's ever enough. Her common phrases are " I feel like I never get enough cuddles" " I feel like you never spend any time with me" yesterday after her staying home from school for a cold I left to take my son to soccer and she whined " I feel like you just want to spend time with him, not me. I didn't see you all day!" despite the fact she was home all day and her brother was at school!
I have tried to meet her " need" by giving her lots more attention but it doesn't fix anything or fill her bottomless hole.
Lately I started getting worried that perhaps my mother had parented her first child the way I do and that's why my older sister is so dependent on her still at age 40. Well my mom heard about my dd"s issue with needing me and said that's exactly how my sister used to be!
I thought I was parenting in a healthier way than my mom but turns out I am just repeating old and unhealthy patterns.
Yesterday I let my dd cry to sleep in her bed (she always asks for more cuddles and time and bedtime snack etc) because I need to do things differently. I need her to realize she can survive without me and stop trying to be her everything.
It'd hard to do because I have parented her with lots of care and attention to her emotional needs since she was a baby. All my kids (4) are such kind ", empathetic and social people. I worry that by stepping back from her needs I'll mess her up.
Thoughts?
Dandelionkid is offline  
#2 of 8 Old 02-28-2013, 05:54 AM
 
mtiger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2,377
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

How old is she? And the others?

mtiger is offline  
#3 of 8 Old 02-28-2013, 07:24 AM
 
LLQ1011's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,008
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sounds more like her personality. Maybe get a stop watch one for her and one for her brother and show her that she is getting a lot more of your time. Not in a times up kind of way but just to help her be more reasonable.

Also how old is she?
LLQ1011 is offline  
#4 of 8 Old 02-28-2013, 11:55 PM
 
meemee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Norther California
Posts: 12,746
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 10 Post(s)

there is a difference between enabling and meeting her needs. 

 

some kids are far more needy than others - no matter how you parent. 

 

it sounds to me she is anywhere between 8 and 10. those bombastic complaints are totally age appropriate. 

 

is she in puberty? hormones do a number on them. she might be in the first stage of emotional puberty. 

 

i would say tread carefully. 

 

i would involve her in finding an answer. solutions. if you explain your needs, i am sure she will rise to figuring out how to help you out. if she cant then really she needs you. 

 

once you confirm your dd's age we can discuss better. 


 treehugger.gif Co-parent, joy.gifcold.gifbrand new homeschooling middle schoolerjoy.gif, and an attackcat.gif 
meemee is offline  
#5 of 8 Old 03-01-2013, 08:46 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,518
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 24 Post(s)

I'm also curious how old she is, and I'm also curious if your family has had any major changes lately -- new baby, a move, etc.

 

(I think that stuff can really through some kids off. )

 

I think that stepping back from our kids "needs" can mess them up, but I don't think they are always the best judge of what they "need."  Sometimes, they need to find their own strength, and they need us to believe in them and see their strength in them when they cannot feel it yet themselves.

 

So, I wouldn't define her behavior has meaning that she "needs" more hugs. She may need some active listening, and then a big vote of confidence, and then a VERY consistent bedtime routine. Keep doing it the same way and she will adjust, but if you keep changing how much you do, then she never knows what to expect and will be less settled.

 

I think that kids can really pick up on what we are thinking, and if you keep thinking that she "needs" more hugs, then she'll keep believing it to.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#6 of 8 Old 03-02-2013, 10:49 AM
 
AllisonR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 3,137
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

Some of it is competition for moms time, which I think all kids with siblings have to some degree. It is a natural, survival mechanism. If your child is old enough, showing her with a clock or calendar may be helpful.

 

Also, some kids are bottomless pits and nothing is enough. My son is like that. I was like that, or so I was told, by my parents, that it was never enough. Intense personality. It has its drawbacks, but also its positives - high achieving. I just tell my son it is enough, or it will have to do. I understand it, but it will have to be enough. 

AllisonR is offline  
#7 of 8 Old 07-04-2013, 06:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
Dandelionkid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,674
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm embarrassed it took so long to read this. I forgot about it and just came back now. The insights you all gave are so wise. Thanks very much.

She is nine years old and starting to develop breasts ( ever so slightly) so maybe it is the age Appropriate puberty thing.

Thanks for giving me confidence to keep enabling her own strength.
Dandelionkid is offline  
#8 of 8 Old 07-04-2013, 06:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
Dandelionkid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,674
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

I'm also curious how old she is, and I'm also curious if your family has had any major changes lately -- new baby, a move, etc.

(I think that stuff can really through some kids off. )

I think that stepping back from our kids "needs" can mess them up, but I don't think they are always the best judge of what they "need."  Sometimes, they need to find their own strength, and they need us to believe in them and see their strength in them when they cannot feel it yet themselves.

So, I wouldn't define her behavior has meaning that she "needs" more hugs. She may need some active listening, and then a big vote of confidence, and then a VERY consistent bedtime routine. Keep doing it the same way and she will adjust, but if you keep changing how much you do, then she never knows what to expect and will be less settled.

I think that kids can really pick up on what we are thinking, and if you keep thinking that she "needs" more hugs, then she'll keep believing it to.

Also Linda we had moved three months before this post and it is getting a little better. I love the last part of your reply. She is likely picking up on my vibes to some extent.
Dandelionkid is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off