Anyone have those friends who have no business being parents?? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 64 Old 04-06-2013, 05:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I need to vent!

 

I have these friends (a couple) who had a kid over a year ago... they used to be the ones who were ever-so-learned on the subject and would offer people advice on how to raise their kids. When I was pregnant, they knew exactly what to do about everything, what to take, what not to take, it's like they were obsessed with pregnancy! ...they knew all about baby products, knew every home remedy out there, when my son was born they showed me (insisted on showing me, rather), how to dress and change him... etc. 

 

Fast forward to today, they now have their own baby.... bigeyes.gif these people don't have the first clue about children!! I feel almost lied to!! It's almost like when you see Jack Hanna appear as a guest on late night tv and the host tries to bottle feed an animal of a species he's never even seen before! 

 

At first I thought it was because they were new parents, frazzled and their baby had colic (at this point, I'm doubting it was even colic, just thinking the kid was crying out for different parents)... they still can't feed or dress him, they carry him under their arms like a football, they just pass him off to random strangers at parties and take off to the other side of the house (we're talking wine and cheese parties, not raging keggers, but still...), when I saw his carseat (he's over 1 and still in an infant carrier), he's totally outgrown the straps and the shoulder straps now just kind of go around his upper arms instead of over his shoulders... 

 

There is no point to this thread, I just need to vent about all this stuff and I can't say anything to my other friends because they'll find out... I'm going insane!

 

If anyone is wondering, I have told them about the carseat, they keep saying they have the new one ready they just have to put it in and they'll do it the next day... that hasn't happened. 

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#2 of 64 Old 04-06-2013, 07:02 PM
 
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That sounds very frustrating. hug2.gif Did they seem like they knew how to dress babies when they showed you on your baby, but then they didn't on their own baby? That's weird. Maybe they've got PPD or something messing with their heads.

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#3 of 64 Old 04-07-2013, 05:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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They seemed to know better than I did at the time but I had never done it before... I'm not sure what it is, they look like they hate their own kid but keep asking to watch mine... They act all loving and sweet with my son, hug him and tickle him, and couldn't care less about theirs.
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#4 of 64 Old 04-07-2013, 08:12 AM
 
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That's so sad. Poor kid.


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#5 of 64 Old 04-08-2013, 02:20 AM
 
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Thats so weird! Maybe they don't like babies and prefer toddlers or something?

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#6 of 64 Old 04-08-2013, 05:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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That might be it... the more I think about it, the more it seems like they're disappointed that they so looked forward to having a baby and theirs turned out to be not what they were expecting... He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, never happy, doesn't play. 

When I talk to her on the phone she describes this baby with all these problems and "special needs" but whenever I see him in person it looks like they're just incompetent parents... it's so frustrating to watch!!

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#7 of 64 Old 04-08-2013, 09:03 PM
 
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I think reality hits many parents hard. I know it hit me really hard when I had my DD. Reading about what to do and practicing on borrowed kids is very different than having to figure out what to do when you are sleep deprived, touched out, and in need of alone time. They sound tired and in need of a break. Maybe you could do date night swaps or something if they are good with your child.
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#8 of 64 Old 04-09-2013, 05:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh no... I would literally rather leave my son at home alone with my dogs than give him to them. They are the "cry it out" at night kind of people and during the day they leave him in his room with the door closed (not even a baby gate) to play by himself. They have a maid and pay a babysitter all the time and go out... They just seem to have grossly misinterpreted the many books they've read.
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#9 of 64 Old 04-10-2013, 04:33 PM
 
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Escaping, your post just cracks me up.  My doula said, before my son was born, that I was the most prepared she had ever seen anyone.  Fast forward to now, my son is almost two. I rarely leave the house with diapers, and once I even bummed one off some parents at the mall when he pooped.  I'm the worlds laziest mom when it comes to stuff like that.  I do believe I broke all the rules and no i hardly have any outlet covers in the house.  DH watched zombie flicks and up until about 6 months ago he would have our son in his lap!

 

What's funny is that it doesn't even bother me.  There is a huge ice craam stain on DS stroller from like 6 months ago.  It's disgusting, so I just leave the sun visor up so nobody sees it.  I can't remember the last time I checked his carseat straps. 

 

I guess for me the important stuff is  good nutrition, emotional attachment (lots of talking and empathy), making sure his friends and teachers are only the best (he goes to a day care about 6 hours a week), and never losing my connection with him.  That means those hours I should have spent getting a pedicure are instead spent reading to him in his pigsty of a nursery. I'll pick up when he goes to college.

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#10 of 64 Old 04-10-2013, 04:39 PM
 
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Escaping, I just read the rest of your thread.  I think maybe either  the mom is just not doing great or the son is having health problems.  If my son goes through unhappiness it almost always a health issue, and once in a while due to my negligence to his cueues (including not maintaining apredictable schedule) because I get stressed and exhausted.  

 

I think if you can find some things to really praise the mom about, however hard they are to come up with, it will open the door for communication about what is not going right with them, and sometimes we moms do need the outside objective input.

 

But yeah it's sad they are really so detached from their kiddo; they just might have no clue what he needs.

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#11 of 64 Old 04-10-2013, 05:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yea I'm up there in the world's laziest mom category too lol... but these guys expend soooooo much energy on their routines, and rules and planning, will sit in a doctor's waiting room for hours a week, and on the surface seem like very busy and productive parents, but if you watch the train wreck long enough, you realize they're so frazzled because they don't know what they're doing... and they won't let anyone else help them! (and by helping, I mean give them advice)... they're more than happy to dump their kid off with anyone who offers (they even found someone on the internet the day before they had a functionbigeyes.gif), but they won't take the simplest bit of advice from anyone like to just try heating his food up in the microwave because he's probably not eating because he hates cold food like every other human being on the planet.... but they read that the microwave is unsafe as it causes hot spots, so they run the containers/bottles under hot water for 30 seconds irked.gif

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#12 of 64 Old 04-10-2013, 05:26 PM
 
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Well microwaves DO cause hot spots. So that is why you have to stir the food up during/after microwaving, and test it before giving it to the kid. Easy peasy!

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#13 of 64 Old 04-10-2013, 05:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Escaping View Post

Yea I'm up there in the world's laziest mom category too lol... but these guys expend soooooo much energy on their routines, and rules and planning, will sit in a doctor's waiting room for hours a week, and on the surface seem like very busy and productive parents, but if you watch the train wreck long enough, you realize they're so frazzled because they don't know what they're doing... and they won't let anyone else help them! (and by helping, I mean give them advice)... they're more than happy to dump their kid off with anyone who offers (they even found someone on the internet the day before they had a functionbigeyes.gif), but they won't take the simplest bit of advice from anyone like to just try heating his food up in the microwave because he's probably not eating because he hates cold food like every other human being on the planet.... but they read that the microwave is unsafe as it causes hot spots, so they run the containers/bottles under hot water for 30 seconds irked.gif

 

 

I mainly avoid microwaves because it kills the nutrients at an alarming rate, and yes the hot spots do happen in certain types of foods like milk because of the way the fat is distributed.Still,I use it once in a blue moon just to get my son to eat ASAP.

 

Aside from that, yeah, your friends are bizarre.  Some people are just not that bright when it comes down to it.  LOL

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#14 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 08:51 AM
 
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I have never heated a bottle for any child in my home (foster, relative, or other.) It's perfectly fine.
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#15 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 09:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have never heated a bottle for any child in my home (foster, relative, or other.) It's perfectly fine.

 

...but I'm assuming your children ate? This kid doesn't eat anything because they refuse to try anything that deviates from the rules they've invented for themselves. They just dismiss it as another one of his "special needs" saying he doesn't like eating. Who doesn't like eating?? ....just like she stopped breastfeeding because she said he doesn't like being held, which now that I think about it, may have been true. I also recall them saying that he liked it when they scared the crap out of him because that was the only way they could get him to stop crying. When I saw them perform this magic trick for me, they swung him around the room and pretended to drop him and he stopped crying... I'm no expert on babies, but even I learned very quickly that they have that reflex to freeze and hold their breath when they're startled, so yea, they stop crying but that doesn't mean it's because they like what's going on. 

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#16 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 10:07 AM
 
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That is terrifying. I don't know anybody like that, and I'm glad. I mean, what do you do in that situation? Offer to help and offer advice? Call CPS? Call the grandparents? Stage an intervention? Register for a parenting class and say you don't want to go alone and try to talk one of them into going with you?

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#17 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 11:59 AM
 
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I have daycare parents who should NEVER reproduce again.  Ever.  They are recently divorced, but even with different spouses, they should never make another child.  

 

It's hard to watch, because it's a new train wreck every week with these people.  

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#18 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 12:04 PM
 
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He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, never happy, doesn't play. 

 

I had friends who's son was like this.  They INSISTED he would only use the Dr Brown's bottles.  But, he gagged and cried, and it took 45 minutes to get 4 oz in him.  I had him for a few hours, and gave him a playtex bottle, he ate 6 oz in no time.  

 

They said "He never sleeps".  But, they were co-sleeping, and he was a light sleeper.  So, when they finally decided to make him sleep alone in his own room, he slept through the night, and his entire personality changed within two weeks of sleeping.  He still didn't take the Dr Brown Bottles, but now that he's off the bottle, he eats fine.  

Sometimes, parents need to let go of what doesn't work, and try everything else to see what DOES work.  They were kicking themselves after they realized how pleasant and relaxed he is when he gets enough sleep and enough to eat without the frustration.   

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#19 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 12:20 PM
 
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I'm sorry, it seems like they are doing some weird things, but mostly the posts just make you sound really judgmental of them. Maybe their son does have special needs. Maybe you don't have any idea the extent to what they're dealing with at home when no ones around. It seems like you assume that if they just did things the way you think they should, their child would be different. The reality is that you have no idea how the child would respond to your ideas.
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#20 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 01:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sorry, it seems like they are doing some weird things, but mostly the posts just make you sound really judgmental of them. Maybe their son does have special needs. Maybe you don't have any idea the extent to what they're dealing with at home when no ones around. It seems like you assume that if they just did things the way you think they should, their child would be different. The reality is that you have no idea how the child would respond to your ideas.

 

I know it sounds judgmental, that's why I'm here, I just have to rant! smile.gif

 

My friends and I have all watched him so we all know he doesn't have special needs... but we also try different things until something works. I don't have one specific way of doing things, but if something consistently isn't working, I try something else. I don't care what the rules are, I just do what works. 

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#21 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 01:38 PM
 
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Escaping, I obviously don't know these people and clearly them using an inappropriate carseat is a serious problem, HOWEVER, I do have a son with special needs and I got so freaking tired of people treating me like an incompetent mother I eventually just smiled and nodded when people gave me advice about how to get my child to eat/sleep/etc.

 

Our son had severe reflux and sensory issues and literally did not sleep for more than 45 min at a time for 11 months.  I tried everything under the sun, which of course random people who saw me at social events didn't see.  All they saw was a very unhappy baby and me "doing nothing" to help him.  No I wasn't cuddling him (because he hated it), I wasn't checking his diaper or feeding him (because that wasn't the problem), I wasn't bounding or walking him, because I had found a person who was willing to hold him for 20 min while I had the first adult conversation and break from my poor little sick child in a week or two.  I carried him 24/7 and so yeah, when I had the chance to get a few minutes, I took them.  He also didn't eat solids until he was over a year which was not because I didn't heat his food.  It was because he couldn't swallow.  But I had a million people tell me what to cook, how to prepare it, etc, and I did exactly what they did to you which was to say "yeah that doesn't work" or "we don't do that because <silly reason>" just so they would stop telling me what to do.

 

From the outside I know for a fact it looked "neglectful" because I had numerous people say directly or hint as much.  It really sucked and isolated me further because no one seemed to understand.  When I said he didn't sleep I swear every single person I said that too either said "yeah I remember it wasn't until DS was 8 months that he slept through the night, before that he woke up two or three times a night" to which I remember thinking "ONLY 2 or 3 times?!"  Or they said "You should really try XX,  YY, or ZZ" and then assumed I wasn't really trying if he still wouldn't sleep.

 

Because of COURSE I didn't want to talk to those people about our struggles, considering they weren't any real help, why would I feel obligated to take the time to explain that we'd been to 4 different specialists that week, that we'd tried a million things, that we were literally dying from lack of sleep. 

 

So, I guess my point is that you just really DON'T know and, while you may be right and these people are just jerks, the fact that they shared with you that their child has serious problems and your reactions is "well when I see him he seems fine" is exactly what some of my "friends" did to me.  I apologize but this is really a sore spot for me because I felt positively abandoned by people I previously considered friends when they turned into advice dispensing machines rather than actually listening to what I was saying about our struggles and never simply asking "hey you seem to be having some trouble, is there anything I can do to help?" 

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#22 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 01:53 PM
 
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I have known some people who have no business being parents. They do drugs, and drop their kids off with friends or relatives "for a couple of hours" (which ends up being days or weeks). Or they don't see / speak to their kids for weeks or months, don't call, don't answer the phone when their kids call. They never pay child support, while buying themselves expensive toys. They invite dangerous people into their homes, and then call the cops on their own kids for defending themselves. They beat their spouses in front of the kids. They move to another state without telling anyone.

(If you're wondering why I don't call CPS, most of these people have already lost custody, for good reason. Some of them their kids are grown, and one is someone I knew a long time ago, who has since died.)
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#23 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 02:10 PM
 
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Escaping, it sounds like you do get some time with this child without his parents around ("they'll leave him with anyone", "we've all watched him", etc).

What happens when you tell the parents "wow, he really seemed to like it today when I XYZ - maybe you could try it at home!" Do they just ignore you? Have they *ever* taken *any* of your suggestions, and if so, how were those suggestions worded?

 

I guess it comes down to, do you think these people are well-meaning but kind of ditzy, or genuinely neglectful? (Some of the things you mentioned - like leaving him in his room all day long with the door shut - would be in the "genuine neglect" category for me, if that's really what's happening.)

 

If they're well-meaning but ditzy: maybe let them find their own parenting style, with your encouragement and your *constructive* feedback, *when they ask for it*?

If they're genuinely neglectful: do you have a moral obligation to report it to someone who can do something? Or do you think venting on the Internet is enough?

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#24 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 03:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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They're just well-meaning but ditzy. They buy all the best products for their kid, have him enrolled in a very expensive daycare, they just don't seem very skilled with the actual act of parenting. When I make him a bottle, they give it to him, he drinks it, I tell them how I did it, they just say "we tried that, it doesn't work" (when I just saw it work)... I put him in our baby swing, he slept in it for 3 hours while they were here, but they said they don't want him to get used to it. He's fallen asleep in my arms, I put him down in our pack & play, they poke him awake because that's not his nap time. 

They put him in his room because they want him to be able to play independently, which I agree is good, but if it were my son, I'd want to be able to see him...

None of it is CPS worthy, it's more just frustrating to watch. 

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#25 of 64 Old 04-12-2013, 10:38 PM
 
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... but these guys expend soooooo much energy on their routines, and rules and planning, will sit in a doctor's waiting room for hours a week,

Why? Is their child not doing well?

 

From your posts, I feel we are not getting the whole picture and only confusing snapshots. If they are averse to your suggestions, lend or gift them some helpful books or maybe just share weblinks to relevant sites, might work better.

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#26 of 64 Old 04-13-2013, 07:44 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Why? Is their child not doing well?

 

From your posts, I feel we are not getting the whole picture and only confusing snapshots. If they are averse to your suggestions, lend or gift them some helpful books or maybe just share weblinks to relevant sites, might work better.

 

He's doing fine... they're from the US and enjoying the free healthcare, I think lol... there has never been anything more serious than a sniffle actually happen to him (unless you count a mosquito bite which they considered too close to his eye), but he's been x-rayed and MRIed more than most adults I know... their other obsession is that they keep thinking he's twisted his leg/knee/broken his fingers, etc. A lot of the time they're at the doctor is because when they read labels which advise to consult a physician, they actually do. (It kind of bugs me that people like what is why I have to wait 2 months for a doctor appointment, but that's another rant altogether)... I'm sure they also think I'm an awful parent because my son has only been to the doctor 3 times in his life... 

 

They've already read all the books, far more than I have which is probably why they don't listen to anything anyone else has to say. 

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#27 of 64 Old 04-13-2013, 08:29 AM
 
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They've already read all the books, far more than I have which is probably why they don't listen to anything anyone else has to say. 

It sounds like they're a bit hung up on how parenting "should be" according to the books, so when they're faced with how things are, they can't reconcile the difference.

 

eta: and I agree with what Imakcerka says in the next post too.

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#28 of 64 Old 04-13-2013, 08:30 AM
 
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Escaping it sounds like two different parenting ideals.  Yours and theirs.  You think yours is better which is fine because lots of people are that way.  However it's counterproductive as a whole.  Maybe you should stop judging these people.  Because honestly you've really said nothing about them that brings up any red flags. 

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#29 of 64 Old 04-13-2013, 10:48 AM
 
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Escaping it sounds like two different parenting ideals.  Yours and theirs.  You think yours is better which is fine because lots of people are that way.  However it's counterproductive as a whole.  Maybe you should stop judging these people.  Because honestly you've really said nothing about them that brings up any red flags. 

I have to agree. Unless you are with the child, raising him/her 24/7 you are really only seeing a snapshot of their lives. Since it seems that their parenting methods really clash with your own personal beliefs maybe putting a little distance in your friendship until he's older would be a good thing.
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#30 of 64 Old 04-13-2013, 11:11 AM
 
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Just wanted to say that I get where Escaping is coming from...she's just venting! I know people who are parents and do things that I think are completely ridiculous, and I vent about them to my DH too. It doesn't mean I am not nice to them, or that I can't be friends with them. It also doesn't mean that I think I am a perfect parent. It means that I have friends who sometimes make parenting decisions that are different from mine. Having an opinion and being judgemental are very different, I don't see where the OP is saying she is rude to her friends because of their choices.
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