What to do- whiny nephew - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 7 Old 04-15-2013, 04:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, my brother, his wife and son move back to my hometown. We thought it would be great because my son is one year older (5) and nephew is 4. We live one street over from my parents and my kids are used to spending time w. their grandparents. Now, my parents are watching nephew 3-4 days a week which would not be a problem except that my kids cannot go there when nephew is there. He cries over everything,refuses to share and hits my son. So, my children don't go over there anymore.

 

So, in a week in a half, my entire family is renting a mountain cabin for a festival. Not a problem, except nephew is going w/o his mother (she is the only one who disciplines him). I am now dreading this weekend away because my nephew is on my last nerve. Should my family back out even though we have paid for it?

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#2 of 7 Old 04-15-2013, 06:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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or, how can I not let my 4 year old nephew get on my nerves.... I love my brother dearly and obviously do not want to completely sever ties due to the whininess but it is out of control. Suggestions?

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#3 of 7 Old 04-16-2013, 06:16 AM
 
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I completely understand the situation. my nephew is close in age with my DD and we spend significant time with my family as a whole. DD and nephew do NOT always get along, and discipline is usually an issue. I try and put the safety of my children first, so if nephew is hitting or hurting my kids, i would intervene no matter what. my opinion, in your situation, would be to bear it and be the disciplinarian. If no one else if your family will, you should. At least for that period of time, he would be disciplined and treated the same as your kids. Yes, he'll continue to be whinny, he won't share, and he'll often cry to grandma or grandpa or daddy for help, but you should treat him just the same as you would your kids. it won't be a fun week, but there will be fun moments that you shouldn't have to miss out on. good luck!! 


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#4 of 7 Old 04-16-2013, 11:40 AM
 
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Your parents don't discipline him? How do they get through their days together? 3-4 days per week is a lot of time to spend with a whiny boy! Or does most of the whining only happen when there are other kids around?

I would probably still go. A weekend isn't too long to spend being the disciplinarian, although I agree with the PP that it won't be much fun for you.

Would you be able to talk to your brother about it? Maybe framing it as just "the boys not always playing nice" rather than a problem with just your nephew.

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#5 of 7 Old 04-20-2013, 06:01 AM - Thread Starter
 
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No, my parents do not discipline nephew. They do discipline my son. The difference is that they have been around my children daily for the past 7 years (every day of ds life). Nephew moved to our town in August and prior to that we only saw him a couple of times a year. He had never been around any children other than us a couple of times a year. Mom teaches/ dad works nights and so he was at home with them 24/7. At one point, they did not even take him out to the store. No playgroups, etc. I thought once he moved here and started a preschool 5 days for 4 hrs.  that it would improve. It hasn't. My parents are thrilled to see nephew and want him to like them. That means that when I am over there, I have to discipline (ie, no hitting, we share our toys, etc). Nephew will intentionally hide toys so others will not play with them rather than share. When my son begins playing with toy, nephew screams and cries like no other. So, my parents make my son give the toy to him to make him stop. Nephew will not look at me, speak to me, etc. because I reinforce sharing, no crying unless you are really hurt, etc....Same rules as with  my son.
This week my sister and her 2 girls were here (ages 4 and 2). Nephew refused to eat dinner and screamed for ice cream so my sister sent him home. He would not speak to her either when she left town. Nephew is only 4 years old. 

I am struggling with the negative feelings I have towards my nephew. Nephew will always be a part of my family so I need to be able to get along with him not only for this weekend but in the future as well. Yes, I know he is 4 but I just don't like him at the point.

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#6 of 7 Old 04-20-2013, 06:44 AM
 
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How close are you to your parents? I think I'd try opening a dialogue there since they watch him much of the time. The way his parents discipline is one thing but I think it's thoroughly unfair to have different expectations for the grandchildren when they all visit. I'd say something like "we are all looking forward to the upcoming trip but I need to make sure the kids get along and play safe and can't do it all myself. Could you talk to SIL and ask her what expectations nephew has while he's at home? I think it would be best if he had consistent discipline while he is away from mom." or something like that. Talk to SIL yourself if you're comfortable to get a handle on how she disciplines and make her aware that the same rules don't apply at grandma and grandpa's house. I know when I catch my mom letting a lot of things slide with my 2 year old, I call her on it. I know grandparents like to spoil a bit here and there but basic things like taking turns with a toy or not throwing things are nonnegotiable for me. Hopefully your SIL will insist on discipline too and get your brother in on it. I don't know, I'd be leery of being the only person other than SIL actually guiding and teaching this boy when the majority of time he has free reign. Your folks aren't doing him any favours in the long run. Being a fun grandparent means undivided attention, an extra cookie or more stories, etc but not a lack of rules and expectations. My brother and I spent a lot of time in grandparent care growing up and while we had an indulgence here or there, it was very clear that they held us to the same basic standards of behaviour as mom and dad did. Come to think of it, mom was also more of the disciplinarian but dad didn't let anything big slide either. He just had a quieter air about him and didn't sweat the small stuff as much as long as in general we were ok.
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#7 of 7 Old 04-21-2013, 08:02 AM
 
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I agree with the PP, try talking with your SIL to get an idea of how things should work versus actually work. If you and her can be on board together, perhaps your brother will come around a bit, via his wife.

 

Another thought is that this kid is only 4, has had a huge move, has had maybe too few play dates in the past to learn basic 4 yo social skills, and is maybe behind in this area. Will he catch up? And is he going through a stage? Some 4 yo are more whiney than others, and if you can determine whether it is not all from lack of discipline, but maybe some of it is a stage, it might help your nerves a bit. I have a friend with a 6yo DD, a 4yo DS and a 2 yo DD. Her DS was a MAJOR whiner from age 18months to 3.5 years. He is still a whiner, but he is 80% better than he was 6 months ago. I just ignored it, but we only saw each other once a week. If it was every day it would have annoyed me much more. 

 

What about talking with your parents? Nephew is not here for a long vacation, he is here to stay. And they see him daily. So them not disciplining him is not doing him any favors at all. My parents spoil my kids, but I totally allow it because they are overseas and see them once a year. So those visits are very much spoil away and a vacation atmosphere. If they were down the street there is no way that would fly. 

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