DH problem with anger or me -- overreacting? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#91 of 98 Old 07-01-2013, 09:20 AM
 
demeter888's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Pinellas County, FL
Posts: 334
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)

People are obviously divided on the issue here and feel that his behavior towards your daughter was extreme enough to break up your family.  So I want to clarify: I don't, based on what you have said, but only you can make that decision.  I don't feel he had any intent to suffocate your daughter or do harm; but I think he showed extreme emotional immaturity and while alarming and in need of intervention, I find it really sad  that people think THAT is reason enough to take your kids away from their father. I'm like: really?  If it were me, and I had the option and financial ability, I would definitely try living separately for a little while until he was in therapy, but to abandon a marriage is so final and the harm of this to a child is much more extreme when there is still concrete hope in staying together.

 

People are flawed, they make mistakes, and that incident does not necessarily indicate the kind of person he is as a whole.  

If he does anything like that again, you leave.  At the same time, if you are going to stay, he definitely needs some hope that he can be a good father, feeling like a villan/monster will not work going forward since he clearly feels inadequate already.  Limit his interactions to ones in which he can thrive and build himself up.  I know that is extremely hard to do with a busy life but if you love this man and want the marriage to work it sounds like he is going to need a little bit of tough hand-holding.

 

Again, I wish you and your fam all the best.   

demeter888 is offline  
#92 of 98 Old 07-01-2013, 10:28 AM
 
captain optimism's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Good Ship Lollipop
Posts: 7,447
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 19 Post(s)
Quote:

Originally Posted by demeter888 View Post
 

I don't feel he had any intent to suffocate your daughter or do harm; but I think he showed extreme emotional immaturity and while alarming and in need of intervention, I find it really sad  that people think THAT is reason enough to take your kids away from their father. I'm like: really?  If it were me, and I had the option and financial ability, I would definitely try living separately for a little while until he was in therapy, but to abandon a marriage is so final and the harm of this to a child is much more extreme when there is still concrete hope in staying together.

 

 

Obviously, many people here, especially those who grew up with abusive parents, disagree that it is bad to take children away from a father who is abusive. 

 

I think you, and many others on this board, have an unrealistic view of divorce. If you're a mom who has come to the conclusion that she's married to an abuser, you do not automatically walk away with the children who then never see their father. Divorce means a child custody arrangement that may result in unsupervised time for the other parent. You're all acting like she can walk away from this guy on a whim and have her children be either safe from, or deprived from, time with their dad. That's not accurate. 

 

It seems like it's much more usual for parents of young children who divorce to have an ongoing parenting relationship. It's difficult to "abandon a marriage" when you have young children. 

 

Divorce isn't the worst thing in the world. It's difficult and a loss, but it's not the automatic extreme harm to children that you're painting here. Really the scariest thing for this mom about divorce is the same thing that's scary about parenting with her husband now, while they're married. If you're right that he pretended to suffocate their child as an act of "extreme immaturity," that doesn't make it an easier decision to leave the kids with him than if it was intentionally controlling and abusive. 

 

Divorce is one of several possible and apparently imperfect solutions to this very difficult situation.

dalia likes this.

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
captain optimism is offline  
#93 of 98 Old 07-01-2013, 11:59 AM
 
dalia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,983
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by captain optimism View Post


Obviously, many people here, especially those who grew up with abusive parents, disagree that it is bad to take children away from a father who is abusive. 

I think you, and many others on this board, have an unrealistic view of divorce. If you're a mom who has come to the conclusion that she's married to an abuser, you do not automatically walk away with the children who then never see their father. Divorce means a child custody arrangement that may result in unsupervised time for the other parent. You're all acting like she can walk away from this guy on a whim and have her children be either safe from, or deprived from, time with their dad. That's not accurate. 

It seems like it's much more usual for parents of young children who divorce to have an ongoing parenting relationship. It's difficult to "abandon a marriage" when you have young children. 

Divorce isn't the worst thing in the world. It's difficult and a loss, but it's not the automatic extreme harm to children that you're painting here. Really the scariest thing for this mom about divorce is the same thing that's scary about parenting with her husband now, while they're married. If you're right that he pretended to suffocate their child as an act of "extreme immaturity," that doesn't make it an easier decision to leave the kids with him than if it was intentionally controlling and abusive. 

Divorce is one of several possible and apparently imperfect solutions to this very difficult situation.

I agree with this. I don't think divorce is the worst thing that can happen to a child. I think being in an abusive relationship is much worse, physical or mental. I think living in a house where the parents don't love each other and are not healthy for each other is way worse than divorce. It teaches a child that you should accept misery. That love hurts. That you cannot change your situation.

Divorce may be exactly what is needed for everyone involved. Sometimes everyone needs space to heal, even the abuser. Abuse is like an addiction, you need time to step away and withdraw. That means everyone involved. It can create a space where healing becomes possible.

I wish the best for this family. What a tough situation. I applaud this mother's strength.
pickle18 likes this.

Wife to one amazing husband superhero.gif, SAHM to DS bouncy.gif 10/09, DS babyboy.gif 10/19,  one furbaby dog2.gif, and lots of chicken3.gif!

 
joy.gif

dalia is offline  
#94 of 98 Old 07-03-2013, 10:29 AM
 
demeter888's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Pinellas County, FL
Posts: 334
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by captain optimism View Post

 

 

Obviously, many people here, especially those who grew up with abusive parents, disagree that it is bad to take children away from a father who is abusive. 

 

I think you, and many others on this board, have an unrealistic view of divorce. If you're a mom who has come to the conclusion that she's married to an abuser, you do not automatically walk away with the children who then never see their father. Divorce means a child custody arrangement that may result in unsupervised time for the other parent. You're all acting like she can walk away from this guy on a whim and have her children be either safe from, or deprived from, time with their dad. That's not accurate. 

 

It seems like it's much more usual for parents of young children who divorce to have an ongoing parenting relationship. It's difficult to "abandon a marriage" when you have young children. 

 

Divorce isn't the worst thing in the world. It's difficult and a loss, but it's not the automatic extreme harm to children that you're painting here. Really the scariest thing for this mom about divorce is the same thing that's scary about parenting with her husband now, while they're married. If you're right that he pretended to suffocate their child as an act of "extreme immaturity," that doesn't make it an easier decision to leave the kids with him than if it was intentionally controlling and abusive. 

 

Divorce is one of several possible and apparently imperfect solutions to this very difficult situation.

 

I think you are grossly misunderstanding me, so I will clarify once more.  

I come from a divorced family, but that is besides the point.  I never said it is bad it take a child away from an abuser (???). And finally, I don't agree that her husband is an "abuser" because just because some of his behavior is abusive.  Labels are useless and kneejerk reactions are just as bad as delayed reactions when there is very likely no imminent danger.  I don't think "getting out" is the best answer, particularly now that more information has come to light.  I do think divorce is traumatic for children, as is staying in an abusive home.  The question is which is worse in this particular case.  

 

And as for my unrealistic view of divorce, it's just silly to say that without a specific reference.  I'm as familiar with divorce as anyone needs to be to know that IF abuse were the reason for having one in the first place, it would not in any way ensure the abuse would end unless there was extreme separation between the kids and abusive parent. The issue of a loveless or toxic marriage is not one the OP has chosen to address, therefore I must assume it isn't that.

serenbat and 3lilchunklins like this.
demeter888 is offline  
#95 of 98 Old 07-03-2013, 09:51 PM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,856
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 6 Post(s)

Eko_Mom, thinking of you.  Hope you (and your kids) are ok.


"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
#96 of 98 Old 07-04-2013, 04:21 AM
 
IdentityCrisisMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 10,713
Mentioned: 5 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 102 Post(s)
Same, Eko. I hope your new resolutions are turning out even better than expected. Lots of love and support!

Mama to DD September 2001 and DD April 2011 *Winner for most typos* eat.gif
IdentityCrisisMama is offline  
#97 of 98 Old 07-04-2013, 09:33 PM
 
starsmagick's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Omg - first of all - he SAT on her?? Poor thing must have felt crushed physically - 2ndly- he could have KiLLeD her!! You are So not overreacting. Your job, first and for most is to protect your children. If you feel in your gut this isn't going to change - LISTEN! Therapy is a good start, but for the interim, maybe move in with a friend or your parents? This sounds REALLY dangerous. The kids were just playing.
starsmagick is offline  
#98 of 98 Old 07-08-2013, 12:16 PM
 
earthmama4's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 608
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by pickle18 View Post

 

I would only caution you that if he is abusive, you may notice a cycle.  As in, when he realizes he is losing a fight, and that you might leave - he may become extremely contrite, and super nice for an extended period.  And then, when he feels you trust him enough again - that he is not in any real danger of you walking out - he may exploit those feelings of trust and return to his old means of control.  The rage can return.  Just be on the lookout for this pattern, at any rate.

 

 

This is important. I identified that my XH was abusive instead of just "angry" or "grumpy" or "a big jerk" around year 5 of our marriage...but it took me an additional 3.5 years of going through that cycle before I recognized it as a cycle that was not going to change. What saved me was keeping a journal. I would write it all down, good and bad. When I would later go back and read I could see the same things were happening again and again. My hope would have kept me blind had I not done this.  I second the book by Lundy Bancroft. It really crystalizes your ability to tell true change in an abuser from another part of the cycle. Super hard to do when you live inside it! The book is excellent beyond words and extremely validating for women whose husbands abusive behavior manifests in a non-stereotypical way.  

 

I also wanted to add that I completely understand staying for fear that your XH will shared custody and in our case, he did and it was horrible. No one took my fears seriously and the lawyers just encouraged us to mediate and settle. If I had pushed for it being brought before the judge, I think he would have gotten supervised visits from the beginning. Instead it took another 5 years post divorce to collect enough evidence that he was continuing abuse of the children on visitations. It was mostly emotional so that is harder to prove. Finally when DS was 13 there was a severe injury (XH broke his nose) and CPS prosecuted and recommended supervised visits. He couldn't take that level of control over him. After 2 visits he bailed and we haven't seen him since. So if you do end up leaving, do whatever you can to make sure that those concerns are taken seriously, they are heard by the judge,  and that things stay closely supervised for a long, long time. 


Mom to DS(17) autismribbon.gif DS(15) autismribbon.gif DS(12) autismribbon.gif My gifted, quirky, wonderful teens!

Mama to Jack bouncy.gif11.08 and Liam  biggrinbounce.gif 9.11 and due with boy #6! stork-boy.gif  

Blissfully married to the love of my life since 8.8.8 partners.gif 

earthmama4 is offline  
Reply

Tags
Gentle Discipline

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off