6 year old nearly 7years old keep lying. has been going on for months need advice please. thanks - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 08:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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hi all. i am new here. really need advice at wits end with daughter.have tried everything and this is my last hope to get it sorted. looking for advice from parents if you have came across this and how you resolved the issue. 

my daughter is 6years old be 7years in a months time she will lie and has been doing it for months now. she lies so that she does not get in to trouble. Like at school she has been copying boys and girls with saying words. (not mega bad swear words. but words that come across not nice.) so i wasnt harsh on her for the words it was the fact she lied. 

a normal day she comes out of school tells me mummy i was good today. i say aw well done took her to softplay for a treat. few days later. i say is there anything u want to talk about i am calm. she tells me she lied the other day so that she wouldnt get in to trouble. she is constantly doing things we tell her not to do then lie about it. 

I really dont no what to do now. so far 

have told her i am more calm if you tell truth in first place because when i find out you lied i am more cross. 

have taken things that she likes out her room. have banned her from seeing friends softplay cinema extra when she lies. 

and again today she has just done the exact same. told me that she lied the other day so she wouldnt get in to trouble. its always to do with her copying words from kids at skool now i no all kids do this but its really to tackle the lies before it gets out of hand when she older. 

like why not come out school for her to say mummy i copied this kid said this word then i cud say we dont say that n thats it. but she will just come out school say i was good. now i never no whats true and whats not. 

help please....

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#2 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 09:53 AM
 
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Is she getting in trouble at school or are you just worried about her language. If she is getting in trouble I would check in with the teacher at the end of the day to see how her day went then make her plan what to do differently the next day. If she isn't getting in trouble I wouldn't worry about it. Kids try out lots of behavior at school then move out of it
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#3 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 10:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks for your reply. she doesnt get in to trouble at school. however there are kids that try to get her in to trouble. cause she is good. it isnt the language i am concerned about (it is in a way) but its more the lying. ye kids grow out of experimenting with new words to see our reaction but its more the fact she lies about it so she dont get told off. just worried when she older it will be more serious or illegal things she would lie about get herself in to troulble with the law etc. thats my concern with the lying. or do kids that age grow out of lying. is lying something kids at this age experiment with also.

 

sorry i only have the one child so never experienced this. thanks again for your reply.

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#4 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 12:16 PM
 
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thanks for your reply. she doesnt get in to trouble at school. however there are kids that try to get her in to trouble. cause she is good..

 

I don't understand how you would know that. Why do you think other children are *trying to get her into trouble*?  And how could you possibly know their motives even if they were? I work in a school with kids about her age and that just doesn't ring true to me. Some kids tattle, but it isn't a personal thing about others, rather than that they haven't sorted out yet what adults want to know and what they don't.

 

I suspect that since your DD isn't honest with you because she doesn't care for you reaction to the truth, one thing you could change is the way you react. You might try reading "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk."

 

I also suggest keeping your list of "things not to do" very short, and only on the very most important things that really matter. Take out all the little things that would be nice but honestly don't matter, because right now you are teaching her that your rules don't really matter other than that you get annoyed.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#5 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 12:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't understand how you would know that. Why do you think other children are *trying to get her into trouble*?  And how could you possibly know their motives even if they were? I work in a school with kids about her age and that just doesn't ring true to me. Some kids tattle, but it isn't a personal thing about others, rather than that they haven't sorted out yet what adults want to know and what they don't.

 

I suspect that since your DD isn't honest with you because she doesn't care for you reaction to the truth, one thing you could change is the way you react. You might try reading "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk."

 

I also suggest keeping your list of "things not to do" very short, and only on the very most important things that really matter. Take out all the little things that would be nice but honestly don't matter, because right now you are teaching her that your rules don't really matter other than that you get annoyed.

my reaction to the truth is is positive so she does care for the reation of the truth. not sure i understand your point. its not really what i was asking for. would u say this is kids trying to get her in to trouble. 

 

she came out upset and annoyed today because they were inside at break time and girls were writing up on the board and the teacher came in said why were they doing that because they were not meant to and they said it was my daughter that told them to . she never . and they teacher was going to give her in to trouble until she spoke to the all and the other girls admited it and were told to say sorry to my daughter. to me thats trying to get her in to trouble. 

 

my daughter does know rules do matter. she is the best child ever even when she was younger i did not have the trantrums all the time and she is so harldy ever gets in to trouble off me. its the lying i am on this post about. was looking for advie on how to go about tacking the discapline for lying obvioulsy when she tells the truth she get praise for the truth. but now she always lies if its bad. 

 

she gets in to exta trouble for lying about doing something. when i find out she in more trouble. if she tells the truth from the start instead of lying she gets off a bit more lightly than lying about it first. but this dont seem to work. any more advice please. just on the lying. i got all else covered. 

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#6 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 12:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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just to say i am glad she did admit to the truth days after by herself without me questioning it,got to give her that. other kids prob dont tell their parents half the things that go on lol but i looking to see if anyone has any parenting ways to get daughter to say the truth in the first place doesnt matter wat it is just the truth instead of the lies coming first. thanks. 

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#7 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 12:57 PM
 
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she gets in to exta trouble for lying about doing something. when i find out she in more trouble.

Herein lies your answer. I would stop punishing and taking things away from her for lying. She obviously fears your reaction. I would stop asking if she lies or not. I would stop qualifying her as "good" or "bad".

 

She lies because she is human, not because she's being bad. We all lie, even if it's a white lie, or "forgetting" to mention something that would upset someone. And yet, we're not all in trouble with the law.

 

I would ease up on trying to control her, and let her feel that she's safe to come to you if she's in trouble.

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#8 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 01:05 PM
 
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Have you asked her why she didn't tell you about saying words you don't like in the first place? If the words are normal for her peer group, aren't getting her in trouble, and aren't actually swear words then she may not even remember saying them until some time has passes. It may also be that she likes your reaction when she "confesses" and is making up confessions to get a positive reaction on days when she needs a pick me up.

It is hard having one kid. I read up on development on parenting books and that helps a lot. I strongly suggest you get the book Your 6 year old and the next one in the series also. Knowing a behavior is age appropriate really helps me relax and parent my DD more effectively than I parent when I react as though a behavior is going to be a life long habit.
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#9 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 01:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Herein lies your answer. I would stop punishing and taking things away from her for lying. She obviously fears your reaction. I would stop asking if she lies or not. I would stop qualifying her as "good" or "bad".

 

She lies because she is human, not because she's being bad. We all lie, even if it's a white lie, or "forgetting" to mention something that would upset someone. And yet, we're not all in trouble with the law.

 

I would ease up on trying to control her, and let her feel that she's safe to come to you if she's in trouble.

i dont ask her if she lies . so if she punched a kid at school and lied about it i would not punish her. lol dont think so. i never ask her if she lies . she comes to me to talk to me and tells me. all i ask is how was your day at school like evey parent asks i never ask if she is lying. she is a good child so yes i am going to keep qualifying that as i am proud of her. 

 

thats adults that do the white lies obvioulsy when shes a bit older she will get to that stage of knowing when to do white lies. thats totally different from just now. forums are actually crap i came on here for some advice on how other parents would takle it and all i am getting is comments thats its not something i should be concerned about . and i certainly dont try control her. lying is wrong i dont lie i cant even tell white lies because i would eventually give it away by saying something totally opposite so know not all people do it am affraid. 

 

she does come to me if she is in trouble. she tells me everything thats happend in school and came to me when her and friends were aruing one day and came to me when her and another girl had words in changing room. she didnt lie about that. the lies is in curse words only. from copying other kids. 

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#10 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 01:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Have you asked her why she didn't tell you about saying words you don't like in the first place? If the words are normal for her peer group, aren't getting her in trouble, and aren't actually swear words then she may not even remember saying them until some time has passes. It may also be that she likes your reaction when she "confesses" and is making up confessions to get a positive reaction on days when she needs a pick me up.

It is hard having one kid. I read up on development on parenting books and that helps a lot. I strongly suggest you get the book Your 6 year old and the next one in the series also. Knowing a behavior is age appropriate really helps me relax and parent my DD more effectively than I parent when I react as though a behavior is going to be a life long habit.

thank you so much for your post. ye there is normal words but occasional swear curse words. obviously cant write them on here lol but you no what i mean. i dont say them and no one else in house does.she told me other girls said them and she just copys. copying is normal at that age but rather she copy something else than swear words lol 

 

the book you read sounds good. do you get it online. 

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#11 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 01:18 PM
 
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i dont ask her if she lies . so if she punched a kid at school and lied about it i would not punish her. lol dont think so.

 

If she punched a kid at school, the school will let you know. No point in arguing about lying/not lying.

 

she is a good child so yes i am going to keep qualifying that as i am proud of her.

 

And that's great. The flip side of saying that she is good is that if she does not follow your rules she will think of herself as "bad".

 

thats adults that do the white lies obvioulsy when shes a bit older she will get to that stage of knowing when to do white lies. thats totally different from just now.

 

That's what you think, but maybe that's not what your dd thinks.

 

forums are actually crap i came on here for some advice on how other parents would takle it

 

And that's exactly what I was trying to say in my post: what *I* would do.

 

she does come to me if she is in trouble. she tells me everything thats happend in school and came to me when her and friends were aruing one day and came to me when her and another girl had words in changing room. she didnt lie about that.

 

Sorry I couldn't help. Hope you'll find your answer. In my opinion, punishment is not the way to go.

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#12 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 01:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks any way but your way wont help. totally different point from the point i am making. but thanks for all the posts and some did help. so thank u v much. will see how things go. i am not the person that keeps annoying everyone by keeping them updated. so will say thank you for all posts. sorry i dont stay on the forum just came for advice and then be going. 

 

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#13 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 01:38 PM
 
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I'm not sure if it is online. I typically check them out at the Library but bookstores also sell them. Forums can be hard to get used to because everyone comes on with their own ways of handling things and there is a lot to read through. I find my dd's teacher is a great resource when I am worried about things that take place at school.
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#14 of 14 Old 06-27-2013, 04:53 PM
 
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just to say i am glad she did admit to the truth days after by herself without me questioning it,got to give her that. other kids prob dont tell their parents half the things that go on lol but i looking to see if anyone has any parenting ways to get daughter to say the truth in the first place doesnt matter wat it is just the truth instead of the lies coming first. thanks. 

 

Why does she need to tell you everything she says? I don't see that a child coming home from school needs to repeat their sins the way a penitent does before their priest. When you say she "lies," do you mean that she leave out little things that she did that weren't perfect, and you think she should immediately disclose them to you?

 

It is common for young children (4 and 5) to say what they wish was true rather than what actually is true, but your DD is getting a bit old for that. Children keep doing that when the stakes are too high, and honesty will get them punished.

 

 

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she came out upset and annoyed today because they were inside at break time and girls were writing up on the board and the teacher came in said why were they doing that because they were not meant to and they said it was my daughter that told them to . she never . and they teacher was going to give her in to trouble until she spoke to the all and the other girls admited it and were told to say sorry to my daughter. to me thats trying to get her in to trouble. 

 

my daughter does know rules do matter. she is the best child ever even when she was younger i did not have the trantrums all the time and she is so harldy ever gets in to trouble off me. its the lying i am on this post about. was looking for advie on how to go about tacking the discapline for lying obvioulsy when she tells the truth she get praise for the truth. but now she always lies if its bad. 

 

the other girls weren't trying to get her into trouble -- they were trying to get themselves back out of it. There is a big difference. If this sort of this is happening all the time at school, the teacher should be pretty clued in. I would talk to the teacher about what is happening and how she is handling it, but your DD is just sort of there, not being targeted because of she is so "good".

 

Also, how do you know that your DD's version of events is true? She lies to you to get out of things. How do you know when she is telling you the truth and not telling you the truth? The biggest thing I taught my kids about honesty is that if you lie to anyone, they will eventually figure it out, and then they won't believe you about other stuff. This is the natural consequence for lying, and it is highly motivational for children.

 

 

It really sounds like you want a fix for the lying without addressing the dynamic that is creating the need for lying. You keep saying she is "good," but it also sounds like she is in trouble with you a lot. I think you are too hung up on her being "good" and have given her the message that she needs to be "good" all the time. That just isn't realistic -- we are human, and therefore do good things some of the time and not good things other times. We are always valuable and lovable and deserving of dignity, even when we aren't "good."  But you have taught her that she needs to be "good," so she only tells you the good stuff. Creating more space for her to try out other behavior and see how that works for her, while you practice "active listening" rather than lecturing could really change this dynamic.

 

Aint none of us perfect. My kids are teens and are capable of far bigger mistakes than a 6 year old. I've worked to build a relationship where they KNOW they can tell me anything, that I've got their back. One of them made a mistake recently that cost me $350 (very normal mistake -- lost her retainers).  If I had created a relationship where she had to be "good" to feel loved and knew that she would be in trouble for being human, she could have hide it from me for months, and her teeth would not stay straight. Instead, I've focused on teaching them that when they screw something up, I'll help them sort it out. 

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear -- you want to keep doing everything the way you are, but have your DD act different. Parenting doesn't work that way. If you want a different dynamic, the only person you can change is yourself.


but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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