do you like other people's kids? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 07-10-2013, 06:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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pretty self explanatory.

 

 

I like the idea of kids.  I love doing work in my little girl's school, volunteering in the class and on trips, interacting with the kids in that setting is super fun to me and while it is pretty exhausting, I really do have a great time.

 

I don't know why, but I am finding that I am disappointed in most of LO's friends personalities.  Not all, but a lot of them are whiny, rude, mean or sneaky.

 

What is your experience, is it just me?

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#2 of 25 Old 07-10-2013, 06:37 PM
 
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Dislike is a strong word because kids are still developing their personalities and social skills. I enjoy some children more than I enjoy others.
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#3 of 25 Old 07-10-2013, 07:04 PM
 
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I would say that I am not a "kid person" in general.  I have a hard time tolerating kid-type behaviors in other people's children, although I'm cool with it in my own child and most kids with whom I have a close personal relationship. Sometimes it's hard for me to be at the playground or other places with lots of kids.  People will complement my daughter, and I feel like I should have something nice about their kid to say back, but I often can't come up with anything.  So - it's not that I find kid's whiny, rude, etc.  Just....unimpressive.  bag.gif
 

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#4 of 25 Old 07-10-2013, 07:18 PM
 
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I tend to like kids of people that I like- guess that makes sense! My son is  three and one of the things I love about being a mom of a little kid is that other little kids come up and talk to us- I guess I do like other peoples' kids!

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#5 of 25 Old 07-10-2013, 08:14 PM
 
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Mostly, yes. I don't deal well with the ones who are sneaky, especially when they're always trying to get other kids in trouble. I just can't handle that behaviour, even from kids. I'm not sure I'd say I dislike those kids, but I don't really enjoy being around them very much.

 

I didn't care one way or the other about kids before I had my first one, but I really like them since then.


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#6 of 25 Old 07-10-2013, 08:51 PM
 
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I am disappointed with the behavior of most of the kids in my neighborhood. They are mean to my kids, and I will be right there in the room. Can you imagine how mean they are when I am not around? It's hard to like other kids when they are mean to your own.

 

My son would finally blow up and fight back (one time he called a girl an idiot when she was being mean) and it was a huge big deal... she made a big scene about it, cried (I think she was at least 9 at the time), went home and told her parents and all her friends....and my son was the bad one. If only the parents knew! I've even seen her lie to her parents faces and tell them that my son pushed her in the pool with her clothes on, when it was the other way around. They were in the pool with their clothes on and weren't supposed to be....my son didn't want any part of that, so they pushed him in. I saw the whole thing unfold.

 

There are only 4 kids on my block (out of 12) that I can say I like without putting a "but" in there. There are also some that I like when they are alone, "but" when they get around their friends and gang up on my kids, I don't quite feel the same any longer!

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#7 of 25 Old 07-10-2013, 10:35 PM
 
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Not really. There are exceptions, and now that my older kids are in their mid-teens I find that i like more and more of their friends, but I don't tend to like other people's kids very much. I tried caring for after schoolers for a while when my girls were younger and I was a sahm, and I just couldn't keep it going- I found most of the kids irritating or demanding. It made me feel like a meanie to dislike little people, but I did.

I think Mother Nature was very smart to prime us parents with extreme cuteness during our kiddos' first years, to keep us from eating our young later, when they'd otherwise be unbearable wink1.gif

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#8 of 25 Old 07-10-2013, 11:19 PM
 
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Eh... I have to know a kid a long time to be really comfortable around them. It's not usually a matter of dislike so much as I'm bad at predicting their behavior. My own kids- I know exactly what they might be capable of at any given moment. Other peoples kids could conceivably do anything. wink1.gif
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#9 of 25 Old 07-11-2013, 12:10 AM
 
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I've rarely come across a kid I didn't like. Even the difficult ones, I guess I feel for them, I wasn't the easiest kid myself. The parents of these kids, however, I usually have a lot less positive thoughts on!


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#10 of 25 Old 07-11-2013, 12:12 AM
 
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i love children. i just loooove children and elders. my age i have a hard time getting along with. 

 

i may not like their actions but i love that kid. 

 

i have been volunteering with kids for many many years now. since i was a teen. 

 

i love kids and most kids love me back. would i say its a talent of mine? or personality? dont know. i am great from newborn (esp. under one year old) to about 12. after that i struggle. its not intuitive. 

 

i esp. care for the worse ones. ones who are mean or bully (mind you though in dd's school there is very little  bullying). in dd's class i was always given the worst group to handle. it was so much fun and fulll of adventures. it was a great time for me as i got to reign on them. 


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#11 of 25 Old 07-11-2013, 08:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I find that in the school setting, as I think about it more, I am more confident and take things less personally.  In my home, I am more defensive and since it is usually a play date I take things more personally because there is the one on one interaction with my dd and I from the other kid.  When they are whiny/demanding/rude it feels much more grating.  As I have read the other responses it is dawning on me that it might be more about being in my home than the child themselves.  I feel like my home is sacred and having unpleasant behavior here bothers me more than it would other places.

 

I have encountered a lot of jealousy that presents as competition, is that just  a kid thing or something more?  Also, lying and stealing/pocketing things is something that blows my mind, just feeling fine about taking something that doesn't belong to you.....who does that?

Again, it bothers me much more in my home than it might a 'finder keepers' type scenario at the park.

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#12 of 25 Old 07-11-2013, 08:30 AM
 
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Mostly, yes. Some children are previews of the rotten, selfish adults they're going to grow up to be. Most of the kids I meet through my son I like a lot. Before he was born, I took every opportunity to interact with children and hear what they had to say. 

 

Well, I should also say that I am predisposed to like most people. It's probably why bad behavior makes me really upset. 

 

One behavior that presses my buttons is children who are snotty or bullying to my son in front of me. I can't tolerate that. Do they think adults can't hear? 


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#13 of 25 Old 07-11-2013, 09:47 AM
 
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Mostly, yes. Some children are previews of the rotten, selfish adults they're going to grow up to be.

 

yes. i can understand whiny, i can understand the bossy by nature child, i can understand short fuse. i also give some leeway for time of day, particular activity and personality/temperament styles. what i have no tolerance for, however, is mean, bullying and snotty behavior. and i don't understand  adults/parents who stand by doing nothing when they encounter such behavior.

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#14 of 25 Old 07-11-2013, 09:49 AM
 
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yes. i can understand whiny, i can understand the bossy by nature child, i can understand short fuse. i also give some leeway for time of day, particular activity and personality/temperament styles. what i have no tolerance for, however, is mean, bullying and snotty behavior. and i don't understand  adults/parents who stand by doing nothing when they encounter such behavior.

 

I think some adults could also be cut slack when they are whiny or bossy if they haven't had enough sleep or enough to eat! 

 

Most people, adults or children, are pretty nice if you meet them with kindness and make sure they're OK. 


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#15 of 25 Old 07-11-2013, 10:49 AM
 
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I think some adults could also be cut slack when they are whiny or bossy if they haven't had enough sleep or enough to eat! 

 

Most people, adults or children, are pretty nice if you meet them with kindness and make sure they're OK. 

 

as someone who gets cranky when hungry, i sure hope so!

 

most are fine, thankfully. but, it's hard to respond to outright nasty (and don't care) folks.

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#16 of 25 Old 07-11-2013, 11:33 AM
 
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My DD has had a couple friends I wasn't happy to have over but I wouldn't say I didn't like them, their tones and interests annoyed me. I work with kids and I know my DD has her own annoying habits so I can redirect the bossiness and make petty theft a teachable moment even if it annoys me slightly to have to because I was reading a good book and pretending I don't have children until the conflict began. The thing that really pushes my buttons is whining older children. I understand it in Kindergarten and a little in first but when you are nine you shouldn't be whining in my home unless you are gushing blood.
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#17 of 25 Old 07-11-2013, 11:48 AM
 
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One behavior that presses my buttons is children who are snotty or bullying to my son in front of me. I can't tolerate that. Do they think adults can't hear? 

i think a lot of those kids dont realise they are being snotty or bullying. 

 

i had an older child do that to dd behind my back. which i find even more insidious, because u know that you are doing something wrong. i first sat down and make sure she was in fact bullying - that it wasnt just an older child trying to force their choice. dd still wanted to play with her and i didnt get between them. till dd fully understood what was going on and was ready to be done with her. 

 

yes i didnt like what that girl was doing to dd. yet i still couldnt help but continue to like her. in fact have even more compassion for her because i knew what her home situation was. because of her special needs she could not really hang out with kids her age. she was forced to hang out with kids much younger than her in the neighborhood. 

 

while she and dd eventually stopped playing, when i see her outside i still go and talk to her. 


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#18 of 25 Old 07-11-2013, 12:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Most people, adults or children, are pretty nice if you meet them with kindness and make sure they're OK. 

This is a nice idea, but as I imagine somehow trying to implement it to make my experience with one particular child in mind, I just don't see me being that big of a person......not there yet I guess.  He is just so entitled.....loves the phrase 'then I'm not going to be your friend' and actually pockets money from my house and when confronted about it lies with a sneaky smile...and not the kind of sneaky smile you can tickle away or something, it's menacingly sneaky, like sneer-y.

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#19 of 25 Old 07-12-2013, 04:09 PM
 
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This is a nice idea, but as I imagine somehow trying to implement it to make my experience with one particular child in mind, I just don't see me being that big of a person......not there yet I guess.  He is just so entitled.....loves the phrase 'then I'm not going to be your friend' and actually pockets money from my house and when confronted about it lies with a sneaky smile...and not the kind of sneaky smile you can tickle away or something, it's menacingly sneaky, like sneer-y.

I think that's so sad. Not your response to it, totally understandable, but the fact that he knows that behavior so early in life.

 

That doesn't happen in a vacuum. They learn it somewhere. I imagine someone close to him - parent, older sibling maybe - has withheld, taken, or used the carrot-string thing with him too in the past. "If you don't do what I want, I'm not going to {take you to your friend's, buy you that X, make your favorite meal, etc}. See if I ever do anything nice for you again!" That was a line my siblings and I *regularly* heard from our parents. I'm ashamed now, but I used it and variations of it (including the "I'm not going to be your friend" version) on friends in my tween years. A LOT. Because it was what I heard and it was a way to control others as an outlet when I was being controlled myself.

 

As for the stealing... I see that as a progression of the behavior above. I never got to that point, but one of my sisters did for a while. It is an entitlement thing, just not in the way most adults throw that nasty word around about. It was what was done to us -- basically, if I'm bigger, smarter, and more powerful than you, then I can take what I want from you, do what I want to you. Just try and stop me. We turned around and did it to others when the opportunity arose because it was a way to assert control and in a way, it was a sick kind of catharsis for the treatment we had at home.


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#20 of 25 Old 07-12-2013, 04:23 PM
 
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I used to *LOVE* other kids when it was my job to teach them various lessons. 

Since having my own, I don't dislike other people's kids but I can echo the sentiment that I don't always like their behaviour. And so for me it's often that I don't always like other people's parenting. But I accept it even if I don't agree with it. I'm generally easy to get a long with, although in my own place/house/family I definitely have "my way" of doing things. 

What has helped is that I expect other kids to respect my home and myself as I expect my own children will. And it helps A LOT! In fact I usually find other kids have no issue with being in our house and following our rules, it's the parents that have a hard time with the same thing. 

Some of this I learnt by doing at home daycare and some I learnt from a friend of my older DD that I *really* didn't like. But I tried for my DD. So I do a lot of general "ground rule laying". 

 

"You guys are welcome to play in the playroom or outside"

"Please don't step on the toys, then we won't be able to play with them" 

"We only throw toys for the dog outside please"

and on and on. 

 

Sure I've had kids tell me that it's not how they do it at home, but they don't seem to have issues following my rules anyways. I find that kids do better when you set out the boundaries first and let them know ahead of time what your expectations are. Then they almost always rise to the occasion. 

 

But yes when I'm out and about or at other people's house, I don't always like other kids behaviour.


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#21 of 25 Old 07-12-2013, 05:35 PM
 
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in my experience (well little experience) what i have found is the story of the bully from bridge to terabithia.

 

dd loves that child, of course an older child but i dont like the child's behaviour.

 

what has helped, always, always, always - is me putting up huge boundaries around my place. not as punishing, but more as expectations.

 

they have tried to break them, get around them, but i've been pretty firm. 

 

and slowly but surely they somewhat come around. some of them we  strike a balance.

 

some of them as they grow up enjoy being at our place and would actually end up hanging out with me helping me with chores.

 

in almost every single case they either had a sad homelife. either no one home or if they were home they were in TV land after working a lot. 

 

only have i had a problem with one kid with whom even dd wanted to cut off contact. seh was a much older girl and she had special needs. it wasnt so much the girl but that dd had a hard time at her age dealing with her. 


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#22 of 25 Old 07-12-2013, 09:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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 So I do a lot of general "ground rule laying". 

 

"You guys are welcome to play in the playroom or outside"

"Please don't step on the toys, then we won't be able to play with them" 

"We only throw toys for the dog outside please"

and on and on. 

 

Yes, certainly, I am not at all shy about laying out ground rules, or stepping in to set things straight about my expectations on behavior at our house.  And none of that bothers me, I don't mind doing that.

It's more about just.......not liking their personality.  That's it for me, I don't like em.  A lot of kids I do, but a lot of kids my dd likes I just don't.

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#23 of 25 Old 08-21-2013, 06:10 PM
 
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I often feel this way now that my kids are old enough to have friends over without the friend's parent. Playdates when they were little were always pleasant, and if the other mom is there it seems like the kids are sweet, but when they are at my house alone with my kids I am so disappointed in the behavior I see. It makes me sad because I think of myself as liking kids. I am thinking it must be a case of me not being authoratative enough, not making the rules at our home clear.
When I enforce the rules, though, it seems like I am doing so ad nauseum and end up feeling like the mean lady. I'm seeing snooping, destroying our property, being demanding, whiny, flippant and entitled. These are kids who I respect their parents and I dont really see them act this way in when they are around, but the personalities seem to change when they are on their own. Testing the limits maybe?
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#24 of 25 Old 08-26-2013, 08:49 AM
 
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In general, I like kids.  I was a Girl Scout leader for years before and after becoming a mom, and I did have some girls in the troop whom I initially disliked, but with time I would always discover some positive qualities and some ways of interacting with them so that I enjoyed them.

 

When my son was in preschool, he needed some transition time before I left in the morning, so I got to know his classmates.  It was almost the same situation with them--the ones that seemed bratty a lot of the time did have moments when they were very sweet--but I found that the kids who most rubbed me the wrong way also were the ones most likely to mistreat my son (sometimes in my presence; more often I'd hear about it later from my son or the teacher) and I found it REALLY hard to get past that!  Weeks after my son had forgiven and even forgotten the conflict, I'd still catch myself mentally grumbling about Caleb Who Kicked My Baby in the Head and Has a Disgusting Snotty Nose and Still Isn't Toilet Trained.  I worked on that in my own mind, but most importantly I resisted voicing any of it to my son and tried to focus on what happened today and hearing HIS feelings about the kids.

 

One of his first grade classmates was a little girl I'd been seeing around the neighborhood and feeling judgmental about the whole family, mainly because of her mom's behavior--the details aren't really important--and it turned out her first name is one I strongly dislike, which starts with B.  I kept silent about my feelings and treated her as just another kid.  After a few months, my son was in trouble for not keeping his hands to himself at circle time, and when I asked him about it he said, "B asks me to play with her hair.  Then after a few minutes she raises her hand and tells on me.  But she never told me she changed her mind and wanted me to stop."  In my head, I was all like, "Oooh, that manipulative little tease!!  No wonder she acts like that, with such inconsistent and manipulative discipline from that so-called mother of hers!!"  But I simply told him that the solution to this problem was to refuse to touch B's hair even if she invited him, and that it might be best to avoid sitting within reach of B so there could be no confusion.  This worked well for him.  This summer, when he had a friend over and they wanted to take a walk around the neighborhood so I was chaperoning, we happened to pass the house where it turns out B's dad lives; she and her siblings were dancing in costumes in the front yard, seemed excited to see B's classmates, and invited them to join in.  My son and his friend both kind of flinched, but they politely said no thanks and kept walking.  When we were out of earshot, they agreed they don't really like B.  Later, my son asked me if I thought it was "mean" not to play with B.  I told him we don't have to play with everyone who asks, but we have to be polite, and I thought he and his friend did a great job of being polite.  But I have to admit, when I told my partner about it after the kid was in bed, I kind of gloated that my son has the "right" attitude toward B. hide.gif

 

So far, my kid's friends all seem like very nice kids to me.  They all have their idiosyncrasies and occasional conflicts, and in some ways they seem "weird" to me due to their families' different sense of normal, but in general I like them.


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#25 of 25 Old 08-26-2013, 09:09 AM
 
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I feel awful about this but I generally have little tolerance for other people's kids. It's not that I don't like them, it's just that they get on my nerves and I can't help it. They "smell" differently to me. And if they have some gunk or food or snot on their face it literally makes me gag, even though I can basically pick my son's boogers off his fingers and feel nothing. It's some kind if instinctual thing, I guess.

I don't feel good about this. My husband can have kids all over him and be happy about it. Whereas I kind of implode if they get super touchy-feely with me. I dunno why!!
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