MIL Cut Little Man's Hair! - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 25 Old 12-07-2013, 04:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am livid. They brought him home from an overnight with a really short hair cut, without asking our permission. Husband and I are both upset, and when we told her this isn't the type of thing she's allowed to do without consulting us first, she was just like "Oh, really?". She didn't see a problem with it at all. 

 

This is just the most recent thing she's done over the last two year's to ignore our wishes, undermine our parenting and disrespect us. I do not how how to get through to this woman!!! She either doesn't get - or doesn't care - about how her behavior is making me and her own son feel! I'm so pissed off right now. 


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#2 of 25 Old 12-07-2013, 06:24 PM
 
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Oh wow, I'm sorry, I would be so upset.  That is disrespectful to you and it's hard to believe they wouldn't think to ask. So it's like they are lying on top of the haircut.

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#3 of 25 Old 12-07-2013, 07:40 PM
 
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Your MIL sounds a lot like mine. Mine bathe naked with my son, repeatedly have toys to him that I said no to, kept feeding him food that was a no no, and so many other things. She even wore my jewelry (it was a very pretty teething bracelet but still).

Eventually it started to wear on my rs with dh as he refused to set any boundaries. In his family no boundaries is normal and in mine it is not. Either way I became the scape goat and dh started viewing me pretty negatively as difficult and we eventually ended up in marriage counselling. The marriage counsellor is talking to him about the importance of *him* setting boundaries with his parents using the most recent incident where they drew up detailed plans (with measurements) to remodel or kitchen.

Anyway, the point is that I understand how incredibly infuriating that kind of situation can be. The marriage counsellor said each parent is responsible for setting boundaries with their own parents. It shouldn't be you trying to bring her in line but your partner. From what I understand there are a couple reasons for this: a) you may become the scapegoat if you're the one setting the boundaries; b) his parents are far less concerned about appeasing you than him. That's what gathered from therapy.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll need it.
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#4 of 25 Old 12-07-2013, 07:42 PM
 
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To clarify about the scapegoat thing, it's not just that your own partner may view you negatively but more often that his parents will view you as difficult or just needlessly causing problems.
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#5 of 25 Old 12-07-2013, 07:44 PM
 
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Also, I would be livid if ILs cut my sons hair!!
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#6 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 05:15 AM
 
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That is so absolutely inappropriate. I wouldn't believe for a minute they actually thought you would be okay with it.
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#7 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 09:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone. I know that's exactly why they didn't consult us first - because they knew we would say no. My in laws are like teenagers - they want what they want right now, and will not accept no for answer. I just have no interest in having to parent grown adults in their 50's in addition to my own kid! 


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#8 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 10:08 AM
 
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Oh my gosh. I thought that this was the floating MDC joke. I'm so sorry. That is rediculous. I've been nervous about X cutting DS's long hair but it's never happened except a huge chunk when something was in it. What is DH's relationship with them like?
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#9 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 10:30 AM
 
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I thought it was the joke thread too!
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#10 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 10:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I wish it was a joke! 


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#11 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 10:53 AM
 
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It may be nice to have him go for overnights with them. Presumably he enjoys it. But how in the world do you manage it with people that do things like that?
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#12 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 04:00 PM
 
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WHoa; I am so sorry! MIL did that to DH'S nephews too- shaved their gorgeous baby curls into crew cuts. greensad.gif One of many reasons she's never babysat for us. I have girls and she harps at them about getting haircuts.
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#13 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 08:29 PM
 
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That is so crappy. I don't know what possesses people. Oh, wait, yeah, I do. It's a power grab, pure and simple. 


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#14 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 08:33 PM
 
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Boundaries will never work if there are no consequences for overstepping them. Your husband needs to be the one to do this or he is just as bad as your in-laws. 


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#15 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 08:41 PM
 
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I would forbid overnight or unsupervised visits for a time! Maybe they will get the message.
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#16 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 10:03 PM
 
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OMG. I would die. That is NOT COOL.

I wouldn't let them watch your child unsupervised until they did everything they could to earn your trust back.
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#17 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 10:39 PM
 
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jaw.gif  I am shocked and livid along side you!  How horribly disrespectful.

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#18 of 25 Old 12-08-2013, 11:09 PM
 
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I'm having visions of slipping something in her drink and she wakes up with a Mohawk. I'd never act on it but it sure is fun to think about. Dream with me. What do would you give her?
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#19 of 25 Old 12-09-2013, 05:52 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kitchensqueen View Post
 

Thanks everyone. I know that's exactly why they didn't consult us first - because they knew we would say no. My in laws are like teenagers - they want what they want right now, and will not accept no for answer. I just have no interest in having to parent grown adults in their 50's in addition to my own kid! 

 

Oh my gosh.  20 years later and it hits me that "my inlaws are like teenagers" is the most defining sentence ever.  

 

If it were me, I wouldn't let my kid hang out unsupervised.  They did something they knew you would be upset about, that's too far.  

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#20 of 25 Old 12-09-2013, 05:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MountainMamaGC View Post
 

Boundaries will never work if there are no consequences for overstepping them. Your husband needs to be the one to do this or he is just as bad as your in-laws. 

 

The great thing is, we're on the same page about it. The next conversation that happens where we lay down the law with them will be coming from him. 


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#21 of 25 Old 12-09-2013, 06:50 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Viola P View Post

 The marriage counsellor is talking to him about the importance of *him* setting boundaries with his parents using the most recent incident where they drew up detailed plans (with measurements) to remodel or kitchen.
 

 

Whaaaaat? They drew up the plans to remodel YOUR kitchen? Wait, are you tenants in their house? I'm just trying to understand. Were they trying to get an estimate on the work so that they could offer it to you as a gift? How does someone come up with an idea like this?

 

I've definitely heard other stories about grandparents who cut children's hair without permission, fed foods that the parents were worried would harm the child, and so on. But the kitchen remodel is a new one! 


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#22 of 25 Old 12-09-2013, 07:03 PM
 
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No we own our house. What happened is a
Few months back in around July they said that they wanted to remodel our kitchen for us as a Christmas present. At first I thought that might be nice but then we did another renovation project with them that nearly caused me to divorce my husband (not exaggerating) and by the end of August I told dh "no way I want that kitchen". He let it go for a while then starting around the end of September he started working on me to let his parents do the renovation. I kept saying no, his dad kept relating messages through him about why it was a good idea and no big deal (he really thought he could convince me that removing ALL the cabinets was no deal). Eventually I flipped and we ended up in marriage counselling. Then one day I happened to be home alone with his mom and she told me they had done up detailed drawings of or future kitchen that was a total gut and redo job. I was so pissed. I ended up telling her no to the kitchen using a smart excuse to release them from their wretched path of wilfully blind marital disruption and i think 3 sessions later we've pretty much addressed the issuein therapy. So, the problem was also largely dh's as he refused to tell his parents no, he even argued with the therapist for a long time about why he shouldn't have to ever say no, and of course they don't listen to me so I'm forced to manipulate in order to preserve some sanity.

Sorry for the high jack!
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#23 of 25 Old 12-09-2013, 07:06 PM
 
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Also, we compromised and agreed to have them add some uppers. I got home today and the uppers were there and they were like - to me specifically - that's your Christmas present. And I was like - I thought it was for both of us - and his dad was like - kitchens are a woman's thing so it's for you. Not even joking, so wish I was.

Sorry again to high jack
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#24 of 25 Old 12-09-2013, 07:19 PM
 
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Oh gee. My mother did the same thing. Sending hugs your way!!

 

My story - DD stayed overnight at my parents' house. My mom called - twice - to ask permission to cut her hair. I said no, we are waiting until it gets a little longer and more even. End of discussion(s), right?

 

Next day, they drop her off, and claim they need to get right back on the road, they need to get going before it gets dark or they have trouble driving. OK fair enough. They don't even stay for my daughter to get her coat off. Or her hat.

 

So, there they are, peeling out of driveway practically on two wheels. We proceed to remove DD's coat. And hat. And she has BANGS. I was so furious and angry I felt like I could throw up.

 

I called them that night, and asked how could they do that?! To give her her first haircut, when I explicitly said no! At first - my mom denied it. Then she handed the phone to my dad, and she went off crying that I was yelling at her. My dad then yells at me at says she was only trying to help, and how could I be upset with her if she was only trying to help?

 

This is the same mom who hung up on me when I found my wedding dress shopping with my future MIL. And my dad whom proceeded to lecture me that this was my mom's right, not my MILS. The same mom who wouldn't talk to me for 3 days when I decided to go into missions, with my dad's help.

 

*****

My only advice is - to *TRY* to move on - and when YOU get his hair cut, if it's his first haircut - you get yourself one of those First Haircut certificates. Because it is the only first haircut that counts. 

 

I have the utmost empathy for you. THEY are not going to change. That's the hard truth. As unfair as it is, you must be the one to change how you react. I feel like I have a suit of armor on now... what they try doesn't penetrate and just pathetically bounces right off. Yes, there is a chasm between us, but we still get together and get along as much as we are going to. It's a happy medium of sorts. If I give more, I am losing my own self. I also do not speak badly of them in front of my children. 

 

Best wishes for you. Thanks for your post. Your note made me feel confident enough to write a little about me, something I don't often like to open up much about! Hope I was able to help even just a wee bit! 

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#25 of 25 Old 12-09-2013, 07:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry again to high jack

 

Hahaha no, no - at least I'm not alone in crazy-in-law-land! ;-)

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