ILs brought 19 month old in hottub - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 12-14-2013, 10:24 AM - Thread Starter
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I have tried so hard to get along with my inlaws who are very different than me but they make it so damn hard. The list of things they've done since they made here after my son was born is way too long for a single post. In the past week alone they've told me they're excluding me from Christmas gifts and just yesterday they said they took my 19 month old son in a hottub.

The Christmas gifts issue happened when my FIL agreed to build a very small number of cabinets for our kitchen after months of tryin to get us to agree to a full renovation . He kept saying the new kitchen would be our present for Christmas but I didn't consider it a present at all as I thought it would be likely to cause dh and into divorce. In any event, we got it down to a very small number if cabinets that went up when I was at work, no problem. But of course I wasn't consulted on th design and they don't match the style if the rest of the kitchen but oh well, at least we escaped the total renovation, right? When I got home and the new cabinets were up the ILs were like there's your Christmas present, and even though they said all along it would be for both if us they were looking at me, so I said, you mean for both of is right? And they were like, no, just for you. FIL was like kitchens are a woman's thing so it's for you. I don't know what's going to happen on Christmas when I go there, with my heart aching missing my own family who are thousands of kilometres away and i don't have any presents. It's just so mean, especially since I never asked for those cabinets and they are not what I would have wanted.

Ds goes to their house on Fridays while I work. They take him swimming every Friday, which they never ran past us but I just let it go because I really have to pick my battles. Then yesterday they said that they took him in the hot tub at the pool. FIL distonclky stopped walking to look at my reaction, and I was in so much shock I didn't say anything. I looked it up and the local health authority says no children under 3 ever. Dh was like, maybe it's not that hot. So I called the pool and they said the temperature is 104, which it seems is the hottest hot tub temperature generally. The pool also said there are several warning signs about children in the hot tub, ILs said there was a lifeguard right there so they didn't think it was bad.

I'm at my wits end. I really feel that they intentionally try to antaganoize me. I'm going on mat leave at the end of January, they do 2 days of childcare per week.
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#2 of 5 Old 12-14-2013, 01:55 PM
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Do you pay them to watch over your son?  If so, YOUR son, YOUR rules.  No acceptance, on their part, means NO pay.


Find new caregivers for your son.  Tell your husband this is unacceptable to you (re, the hot tub) and is a safety issue for your son.  TELL them why you are doing this.


You said your fil tried to get you to agree to a full renovation for several months?  Why did you refuse this (if it was to be a gift)?  Did they pay for the kitchen renovations?  Was there any cost to you at all? 


What does your husband say to all this?  What is his reaction about the kitchen cabinets? 

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#3 of 5 Old 12-14-2013, 02:15 PM - Thread Starter
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Regarding the kitchen renovation, I flat out refused after they renovated our basement and it nearly caused us to get divorced. Basically the expectation was that since they were doing the work we didn't have any Say. The other expectation with the kitchen renovation, which is totally insane, is that i take both children (my toddler and a newborn) out of our house every Sunday from 9 am until 4 pm. what the hell am i supposed to do with 2 tiny children for that long? I'm currently 7 months pregnant with a 19 month old. Our house isn't big, one kitchen, one bathroom. I don't have any family or friends near by. The people working on the Reno are both ILs and dh, my job being the kids. Dh and I are currently in marriage counselling because I nearly divorced him after the last Reno. We were expected to pay for all materials. It wasn't a problem paying for materials except they started buying them without asking us first what style and price range we wanted. I kept telling dh no to the kotchen renovation and he kept trying to convince me. The marriage counsellor is talking with him about his inability to say no to his parents. Anyway, in the end it turns out that they measured our entire kitchen and planned the whole thing out, withiut even asking our opinion on anything. dh couldn't tell them no, so I had to. It was literally that or divorce.

As wiser women have said, a kitchen that comes with a divorce attached is not
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#4 of 5 Old 12-14-2013, 02:27 PM
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Even if the childcare your IL's provide is free, it's costing you and your family far, far too much.  People with questionable judgement taking your toddler swimming is worth a battle imo.


I would be completely pissed about the kitchen cabinet situation too.  I'm not sure which is worse: badgering you for not wanting a complete upheaval in your living space, not consulting about design, or the horribly sexist comments.  However, since the cabinets were a gift to you, you get to decide what you wish to do with them, whether it's painting them plaid, selling them on kijiji, turning them into budgie cages, or using them to store an extensive collection of sex toys, they are yours, so it's your choice.

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#5 of 5 Old 12-14-2013, 03:27 PM - Thread Starter
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Ha ha thanks pp!
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