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#1 of 13 Old 02-02-2014, 07:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I could really use your help and support.  I just can't take it anymore and I need to figure out the right thing to do.  I have a neighbor that is a covert narc.  She's given me a hard time for the last few years and it is one of the reasons I have landed in therapy.  I have tried extremely hard to avoid her but it hasn't been perfect.  For starters, we live on a cul de sac.  Generally I am forced to see her once a day either passing in our cars or if she happens to be outside.  In addition, she has a daughter that likes to play with one of my daughters.  Today my daughter and hers were playing outside.  My daughter then came home to ask if she could play with their daughter in their house.  Stupidly, I said yes.  Turns out they were hosting a Superbowl party.  Of course they had people over including other neighbors that we know.  I am feeling burned because this feels like I just got jabbed -- my daughter was witness to something that we were not invited to.  I have tried really hard to not restrict my daughter from playing with the covert narc. Mom's daughter because I am worried that this Mom is going to further smear me.  Several of my other neighbors don't talk to me anymore.  But now I feel that I need to make some changes. 

 

How should I handle this?  My thoughts to start are this for my daughter:  only playing outside and no playing inside the neighbor's house anymore.  Just because this neighbor has taken jabs at me -- doesn't mean that she can take jabs at me now through my daughter.  It's unacceptable.  I thought I was making progress and this just leaves me in tears.

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#2 of 13 Old 02-02-2014, 07:13 PM
 
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Sorry what is a covert narc?
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#3 of 13 Old 02-02-2014, 07:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry what is a covert narc?


covert narcissist

 

http://sparkster.hubpages.com/hub/The-Covert-Narcissist

 

Sorry for not being more clear.  Oops.

:(

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#4 of 13 Old 02-03-2014, 03:33 AM
 
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My thought is...if she is one of the reasons you have found yourself in therapy what does your therapist think?


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#5 of 13 Old 02-03-2014, 01:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My thought is...if she is one of the reasons you have found yourself in therapy what does your therapist think?


Well...I will have to bring this specific example up at the next session.  I grew up in an emotionally abusive home and that is why I am in therapy.  As part of my therapy I need to look at everything going on around myself....not just what my abusive father did to me.  This includes my relationships with others and my own behavior.  Apparently, this neighbor is a trigger for me.  I didn't really understand what kind of personality type she was until I started talking about her at one of my sessions.  The examples I provided to my therapist enabled her to label my neighbor as a covert narcissist.  I didn't even know what that was until I looked it up.  It fits.  But what I am struggling with in this situation is that it isn't only about me -- but, my daughter.  My daughter should not be dragged into any of this.  It is one thing to have my neighbor take jabs at me -- and another for her to take jabs at me through my daughter.  So, that's why I decided to post here.  I feel like this situation is a big tangled mess.  I know it is best for me to walk away from my neighbor and her family -- and that is what I was doing.  But, should I make my daughter do the same?  What are appropriate boundaries?

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#6 of 13 Old 02-04-2014, 01:39 AM
 
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Well...I will have to bring this specific example up at the next session.  I grew up in an emotionally abusive home and that is why I am in therapy.  As part of my therapy I need to look at everything going on around myself....not just what my abusive father did to me.  This includes my relationships with others and my own behavior.  Apparently, this neighbor is a trigger for me.  I didn't really understand what kind of personality type she was until I started talking about her at one of my sessions.  The examples I provided to my therapist enabled her to label my neighbor as a covert narcissist.  I didn't even know what that was until I looked it up.  It fits.  But what I am struggling with in this situation is that it isn't only about me -- but, my daughter.  My daughter should not be dragged into any of this.  It is one thing to have my neighbor take jabs at me -- and another for her to take jabs at me through my daughter.  So, that's why I decided to post here.  I feel like this situation is a big tangled mess.  I know it is best for me to walk away from my neighbor and her family -- and that is what I was doing.  But, should I make my daughter do the same?  What are appropriate boundaries?

I could be wrong and I still think this question should be brought up just to get a more "expert" opinion but it may be best to cut off ALL ties. In my opinion, parents actions with not only their kids, but themselves, have a huge impact on a child and how that child will let others treat her. If she sees you 100 percent cutting this family off she may not understand it now and she will be hurt that she can't play with the other little girl but I feel like eventually she will understand. That action of seeing you cutting off people who treat you like crap will hopefully make her see "I'm worth something and do not deserve to have others around me be horrible to me"

 

Again just my opinion. 


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#7 of 13 Old 02-04-2014, 03:10 AM
 
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To be honest, I'm not clear, from the example you have in the OP, what the problem was. You weren't invited to a neighbour's party? A neighbour who you don't like or want to spend time with? Did she say something derogatory to your daughter about you while she was over there?

I'm sorry for all the questions, I just feel like I'm not understanding what's going on here.

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#8 of 13 Old 02-04-2014, 07:07 AM
 
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I
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Originally Posted by katelove View Post

To be honest, I'm not clear, from the example you have in the OP, what the problem was. You weren't invited to a neighbour's party? A neighbour who you don't like or want to spend time with? Did she say something derogatory to your daughter about you while she was over there?

I'm sorry for all the questions, I just feel like I'm not understanding what's going on here.
I was wondering the same thing,
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#9 of 13 Old 02-04-2014, 08:07 AM
 
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~~

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To be honest, I'm not clear, from the example you have in the OP, what the problem was. You weren't invited to a neighbour's party? A neighbour who you don't like or want to spend time with? Did she say something derogatory to your daughter about you
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while she was over there? I'm sorry for all the questions, I just feel like I'm not understanding what's going on here.

 

 

I agree. I don't really get it. From what you wrote, I wouldn't be offended by anything. I am assuming there must be more history here? On the surface, having  some friends over for a game, them your child bring their friend over, isn't anything I'd get upset about.

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#10 of 13 Old 02-04-2014, 01:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry, yeah, there's history.  She *seemed* nice when I initially met her but my gut sensed something was not right.  I told myself that I was being sensitive and to just ignore it.  The more I hung out with her the worse I felt.  A pattern began to emerge -- she would say things to me that nobody else ever did and it was very uncomfortable.  My friends don't put me down and neither does anyone else I seem to interact with on a daily basis.  Maybe she is jealous -- but I don't understand of what there is to be jealous of?  Several years ago we were entertaining the idea of moving to another neighborhood for the schools.  It wasn't supposed to be shared with anyone what we were doing but one of my kids leaked it by accident.  Maybe this neighbor took it the wrong way since they had just moved in?   I told her that our possible moving was not something I wanted to talk about -- it was between me and my family.  She didn't respect my privacy and continually asked how the house hunt was going.  If that was ever a defining moment -- that's when all the subliminal jabs began.  We stopped being invited to anything and the cul de sac became very cliquey.  

 

Now that I think about it -- perhaps she is jealous because the neighborhood we want to move to would be an upgrade for our family.  Also, a couple of years ago, we were in a nasty head on car crash.  While were able to walk away from the crash, we sadly lost our beloved car.  Long story short, we ended up buying a used car.  The first time my neighbor saw it as we drove by her she srunched up her face and exclaimed, "that's the car I want!" -- while flinging her hands at her sides and stamping a foot.  Most people would say, "congrats on the car" or something along those lines.  She was clearly annoyed that I had something she wanted. 

 

Well...I guess I'll leave this one to the therapist.  Thx. 

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#11 of 13 Old 03-09-2014, 09:12 AM
 
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If it bothers you, I think not allowing your child in their house is an appropriate boundary. They can play outside or maybe in your house.

There are kids in our neighborhood that the kids play with, but are not allowed inside their homes. I think this is perfectly appropriate for some situations.

What did the therapist say?
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#12 of 13 Old 03-13-2014, 09:37 AM
 
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If you don't really like her and your personalities are not a match, then don't hang out with her. You shouldn't be offended if she doesn't invite you to her parties. She likely feels similarly about you.

 

Meanwhile, if your daughters are close in age, surely they can play together without you having to interact too much with your neighbour.

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#13 of 13 Old 03-14-2014, 04:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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If you don't really like her and your personalities are not a match, then don't hang out with her. You shouldn't be offended if she doesn't invite you to her parties. She likely feels similarly about you.

 

Our personalities don't match because she is an emotional abuser.  If she were a "normal" person, this wouldn't be an issue for me.

 

Again, I thank you all for your replies....it gives me lots to think about.  I discussed this with my therapist the other day and we agreed that I need to continue to limit my contact with this woman.  There isn't really any other way to "fix" this situation -- because she is who she is and I am who I am.  On another note, I will continue to keep looking for a new home.  We have been struggling over the last few years to find a home in our budget in the next town over.  Who knows though....could be a psycho in that neighborhood, too.  But at least this time, I am ready and my boundaries are in place.

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