What should you do if your husband and you are not the same page when you try to discipline your teenage kids? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 2 Old 02-05-2014, 05:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi all,

 

This is dora96  from Australia Sydney, I have a lot of problems with my kids. We have four kids ranging from 15 to 6 years of age. My husband and I are very unusual couple. My husband is 74 years old English man, and I am 44 this year Chinese woman. We have a huge age gap between my husband and I . We love our kids and each other, but my husband is permissive dad, no beliefs or religions. I am a Christian, love God and serve Him with all my heart.( It doesn't mean I am superior than him, I just want to show you the difference between us. )

We are struggling with our teenager kids. They are lack of responsibilities and respects. Let me tell you two major issues in my family right now.

Last year, we found our older son experimenting drugs, smoking pot with his girlfriend in his room, not going to school, stealing money from us. We have called the police a few times. There was only a week or so improvement, but the same situation happened again. Eventually, we threw him out, he didn't come home for a bout two weeks, he came back after that not staying our house, but taking food and shower, making phone calls. We both agreed that in the beginning, he was allowed to come home, until he had a regular drug test, and willing to change ( attend school and go to work in his part time job), he refused to do any of them, sadly, my husband gave in, He said " where can he go, it is illegal to throw under age kid out of the street? etc....". I still constantly insist the rules and boundaries, he just completely ignore me. My son hates me and despises me. He told me very disrespectfully nothing I can do about it . I can't fright with him physically and he is over 6 foot tall. I have no show physically to throw him out, I have called the polices due to his abusive behaviors, but he runs off before the police come. They have never caught him. Now the polices are sort of sick of us, they said " unless it is criminal matter, they can't deal with parenting issues.  My husband is in denial , he is old,  tired and he is not well in health and he wants peace and quiet as long as our son is not doing  anything terribly wrong in our house.

The same situation, my daughter has been going out with a 15 years old boy for 4 months, they love each other, she brings him in our house and stays the whole weekend together and bugger off whenever they feel like. He also smokes only outside, but my husband said " where should they go? We can't let our daughter sleep in the street". Both of them are not interested in school, not planning to work. I don't give them money, but dad gives them occasionally. He said" they need money to catch the trains and buses."

There were a few occasions that they got a fare invasion fine, we didn't pay for them, but an enforcement notice came to us, warning us if we don't pay for the fine, they would come to seize your possession. Now they said it is totally our fault. I cry every day and I can see the situations only get from bad to worse because my husband doesn't have the authority or he just doesn't want to use it. I am so frustrated about it. We have talked it over all times, but he just won't reinforce the disciplines.  I just can't do it by my self. We have no family in Australia, we are migrants from other countries.  I would really appreciate if you could give me some advices and help me if I need to do all these on my own thank you.

 

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#2 of 2 Old 02-05-2014, 07:27 AM
 
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I would never throw a child out unless they were a physical danger to me or their siblings, in which case I would check them into an institution, boarding school for troubled kids, mental health unit, military school, something like that. I would however remove all privileges, load their day with nothing but schoolwork and chores, and watch them like a hawk. If they complied with the rules, I would give some privileges back, one at a time, and only the ones that couldn't lead to more rule breaking.

 

I do think a dad who is serious about enforcing the rules and is at least a little physically imposing makes it far easier to keep them in line, not because it has to come to a fight but because they will more naturally obey. With single moms, I have seen others step into the "dad" role nicely, mom's friends, and other family members, pastors, fathers of the child's friends, mentors, teachers, anyone respectable and upright and willing to spend some time on a regular basis. My husband grew up with his mom and some of the men from church spent time with him a lot. It may work to find a role model for your kids like that. Just take care they are indeed respectable and upright with no ill intentions.

 

There are those on here who feel rules need to be mutually agreed upon, and children will show respect if you respect them. If you can get past the rebellious spirit and achieve that then wonderful. But there is a need to protect them from their own foolishness especially if law breaking and self harm are involved. If you can get them to logically understand these things are bad for them, you love them and want them to be healthy, happy, and safe, maybe - maybe they might listen to you and think their choices through. Certainly listen to them, and certainly try to ask them to help with their own issues "Here is the problem, what do you think is the solution?"

 

And of course, pray. I'm sure you are, but keep it up. You are a Christian and you know there's power in it. Pray they overcome their own self-will and learn wisdom, pray a hedge of thorns around them that every stupid choice bites them right away so they learn better, pray for your husband and your kids to know right from wrong, that they admit when they've done wrong and know grace and mercy and renewal. I'll pray too, and ask your friends too as well.

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