Unplanned Pregnancy.....I don't know what to do..... - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-09-2004, 04:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Cynthia has allowed me to post this as GUEST.......I was not sure where to post this. Move it if necessary.

I am suddenly in a position that I never thought I would find myself in. I found out, on Mother's Day no less, that I am pregnant. My DH and I have 3 children already. We always wanted 4 but realized after 3 that we could not handle any more. My birth with number 3 was awful. I homeschool al three of our kids and we all live in a tiny house that we can all barely fit in.

My DH was making plans for a vastectomy. I am just speechless. I am devastated. I do not want to be pregnant again. I am still nursing our third child and the thought of even nursing another babe is just beyond me.

I am morally opposed to abortion. I do have a faith in God and while I always have believed that it should be legal, I never thought I would decide that for rmyself. Now I have been thinking about it constanty. DH said this morning that he really does not want more kids~~he feels very burdened financially already & he thinks that I canot handle one more in the mix.

I am just beyond many words right now. I am heartbroken. I feel like either decision will be a bad one. I apologize to all you mamas that have lost babies & are TTC~~~I do not take this lightly. I also know there are alot of mamas on this board who have many children & can handle that. I do not think I can. This is the most important choice I am ever going to make.

I have another concern too. Our families are not exactly gonna be thrilled. I find myself a little ashamed abot getting pregnant again. People we know will be very judging about this and although I KNOW that their opinions are irrelevant, it will still be upsetting.

Has anyone been in my shoes? I know that this is a very sensitive topic so I understand completely if you fell you cannot be candid.
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Old 05-09-2004, 04:33 PM
 
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((HUGS))

I haven't been in your shoes but you have my support no matter what you decide.

I'd seriously consider getting some private counseling for you and your dh so that you both talk about your concerns and your options. You both need support through this.
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Old 05-09-2004, 04:36 PM
 
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I'm sorry you're in such a hard place.

This might sound kind of silly but it really helps to make a list of the pros and cons. Write everthing you can think of under each category. It helps to get it out on paper so you can really look at it and contemplate it. The main thing is, this has to be your choice. Don't let yourself be pressured either way. In the end it has to be what you have decided is best for you.

I haven't been in your shoes but I really feel for you.
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Old 05-09-2004, 04:57 PM
 
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Yes I've been in the place you are now. In hindsight I wish I'd had enough sense to just take it one day at a time.I endured the comments from freinds and family,dh's job wasn't all that great,I'd quit teaching to homeschool,my delivery with dd had'nt been a picnic etc,etc etc,Fast forward 13 yrs,no4,was a beautiful healthy ds.It was the one of the quickest, easiest deliveries of them all.He's a brillant handsome young man.I'm glad he's here in our family.I've learned to be very thankful for lifes unexpected blessings,to be proud of being a mom of a large family in a world were smalls the norm.Yes there are days when I CAN'Tdo this,that's when I step back and give everybody a major break from school or whatever,but I also know I'm gonna have THOSE days no matter where i am or what I'm doing.

I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.Just listen to your heart.
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Old 05-09-2004, 04:58 PM
 
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I have nothing constructive to offer - just and support. In your position I might consider open adoption but would definately go to councelling with DH and would certainly not make a decision for at least several weeks. Again, nothing really constructive - just s for you.

Mama, homeschooler, midwife. DD (13yo), DS (11yo), DD (8yo), DD (3yo), somebody new coming in November 2013.

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Old 05-09-2004, 04:59 PM
 
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Dear Guest,

I am one to look at things on the flip side, so here it goes. ( FTR, I messed up my FA/NFP this past month and I am waiting to find out if I am pregnant -- something my DH would not be happy about)

If you have a strong faith in God or a higher power, accept this pregnancy as part of that plan, work through the initial shock and make adjustments in your family to welcome this little one. Babies really do not cost that much. Milk is free and being that you have three others, well I am sure there are plenty of hand me downs. Try to find the humor and joy even though their is hardships, bills, and that you are tired. I really do not see how you could go through an abortion if you morally oppose them. You may have some real regret and emotional turmoil from it. Sometimes forgiving ourselves is a hard thing to do.

While adoption is a wonderful option I would like to say a few things about that. I am an adoptive mom, but I will not advocate for you to place a baby for adoption. Having been in the adoption community online and locally for nearly six years I come with you with some knowledge and experience on this subject.
First, adoption is a difficult thing to do. Adoption while it may seem like a solution to a problem it often creates even more. My son's oldest biological brother is still devastated that his mother placed him for adoption. Her mother (his grandmother) feels that she made a mistake as well. Placing a baby for adoption affects everyone, it can ruin relationships, it can hurt your older children and it can hurt the adoptee who was placed for adoption -- compounding rejection issues. While open adoption appears on the surface to be a great idea, it often is not. We were in an open adoption in which the birthfamily cut off contact because she couldnt handle it, hurting us, hurting Dylan. Open adoption relationships are tricky and complicated. In fact over the past year or so I have seen many open adoptions crumble and fall apart, boundaries crossed on both sides, emeshing that is unhealthy -- I could go on. I think many people do not take all these things into account when placing or adopting. Also you need to think about this child you carry and the overall feeling he or she may feel being placed for adoption once older, not having a relationship with his biological siblings -- the list goes on.

If you feel overwhelmed consider putting your older children in public school -- this could be temporary. Apply for WIC. Consider weaning your youngest child to give yourself a break until the next one. Do things that make you the best momma -- there is no need to be a martyr and things can change -- nothing has to be set in stone.

If abortion is something you really want to consider, how far along are you? A chemical abortion may be something to look into, or herbal abortion. I don't know if I can even mention herbal abortion here, I haven't heard it mentioned before -- but I have done them to hasten miscarriages to avoid D&C. The thing is, if you attempt one with herbs and it doesnt work its recommended to go ahead with a surgical abortion.

I'll be thinking about you,
Kim
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Old 05-09-2004, 05:00 PM
 
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Oh mama, how hard this must be for you. I agree with the others...let this be your decision, do not let your families influence you. I'm sure they don't agree with plenty of your decisions, but you must make the right ones for your family anyway. Maybe you can handle it. Financially, yes it will be more, but you do already have clothes and stuff that could be handed down. Maybe you could get a mothers helper or something from the local high school, they are cheap. Maybe you have a service that you could offer to others to supplement your income...do you sew? Bake great cakes? Walk dogs? You know, something not too burdensome. I have four children and I won't lie to you, I think it's tons of work. Some moms feel like it's easy as pie, but I feel overwhelmed a lot. But you know what? I wouldn't change that for anything. Be overwhelmed is part of the experience and I try to embrace it for that. It can't compare to the smiles on their faces or my two year old saying, "Happy Mudders Day." I also homeschool, so I know it's hard. You need love and support right now to make this decision. Don't tell your family yet. Bounce ideas off the mamas here, we won't judge you, only try to help and to offer our love and support. Good luck mama and Happy Mudders Day to you.
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Old 05-09-2004, 05:01 PM
 
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that's a horrible position to be in. i second the above suggestion for counseling. my now dh and i did that when we unexpectedly became pregnant, and it really helped.

what helped most (and i know my situation wasn't the very same) was to give myself a little time and to listen to that inner voice we all have, no matter what it says. i think in times like these, the best we can do is to go with our gut feelings, whatever they may be.

i'm thinking of you. and like someone else said, you have my support no matter what you choose. i know this has to be so hard. and on mother's day, no less. please keep us posted.

love and peace to you.
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Old 05-09-2004, 05:07 PM
 
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Not much advice - just HUGS! Take it one day at a time - it's only been a few hours since you found out & the shock is fresh & new. You might feel completely differently in a few weeks. Pray, meditate, sleep, and don't decide too quickly. Keep an open mind - this is a decision that will affect you and your entire family. No matter what you decide it will be a complicated, emotional journey for years & years to come.
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Old 05-09-2004, 05:08 PM
 
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I have been in your shoes.

I got pregnant with my third just 9 months after my second. My husband (now ex) didn't even want the second. When he found out I was preggers with my third he wanted me to have an abortion (he was pro-life in college, before HE was confronted with it). We were living in a group home for teenage boys. We were the teaching parents. We had a TINY 2 bedroom apartment within the larger grouphome. Obviously, three babies weren't going to all fit. We didn't even have a kitchen of our own. We had to go out into the larger grouphome. During the weekends when we were off (though our standard work week was 50 hours /week) other staff supervised the teenage boys, but the office was directly connected to our little apartment.

I called the abortion clinic and had them send me the information. I had to go get an ultrasound because since I was still bfing, and I hadn't ever had AF since my last, I had no clue how far along I was. I knew I'd have to be put under to do it, so that would increase the cost. My husband had another job, in addition to the group home, and that had our health insurance. He got fired right after we found out about the pregnancy. My marriage was on the rocks. I knew my parents weren't going to be thrilled, and I was afraid to tell them. In fact, I wrote them a letter instead of telling them in person or on the phone.

I worried constantly about how could I take care of my two existing kids with another baby already on the way again. I didn't want to cheat them.

Although I am firmly pro-choice, in the end, I couldn't do it. I never even seriously considered it. I didn't make an appointment or even pretend I was going to. My husband wanting me to have an abortion was pretty much the last nail in the coffin of my marriage, though we stayed married another 4 years, I never forgave him in my heart.

And I know this doesn't make your decision easier, I still have to say it. My beautiful 9, almost 10 year old, is in the gifted learners program at school. She's a gorgeous child and is wonderful with her newest baby brother (new husband, new baby ). I still think about the fact that I even considered aborting her, every... single... day. I know its a hard hard place you have found yourself in.

We ended up having to quit our job as teaching parents, moving back to Nebraska, and living with my parents for 10 months. But we did it. And I'm ever so grateful that having her forced me to make decisions that actually led to a better, happier life for all of us (well, except for the divorce, but what can you do).
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Old 05-09-2004, 05:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks you for all your kind words. I have not stopped crying all day & I have no one IRL to talk to so this place means the world to me.

I am mad at DH I think......I asked him to have a V since #3 was one. I asked that he please be careful & I avoided sex a lot figuring that abstinence was the best way until we could do something permanent. I am mad because he wants an abortion. I think it could drive a wedge between us.

I could not consider adoption because of my older kids. They would be devastated. I think it would cause them great harm.

I am trying to keep in mind that #2 was conceived when #1 was only 8 months old. It was shocking then, and now I look at my oldest two: "peanut butter & jelly" and I think it was serendipity. They are soul mates.

I am going to try to give it a day or two. Please keep me in your prayers~~I need a lot of help & a shoulder to cry on.
Thank you
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Old 05-09-2004, 05:28 PM
 
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Hang in there, mama. Give yourself more than one day to recover from your shock so that you can check in with your soul. Do what is right for you. It will be okay. If you decide to have this baby, you have a long time until he / she arrives. Your littlest one will get bigger, and you'll have time to adjust to this curveball.

If you know that abortion doesn't feel right to you, you need to remember that despite your shock. You don't need to compound your pain by doing something that doesn't sit right with your heart. If you feel that abortion is acceptable, then just look into your gut feelings and make the choice that's right for your family.

Thinking of you, mama. You're going to make it through this, either way.
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Old 05-09-2004, 05:35 PM
 
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I cannot really give out any advice on this... but i would like to give you s and i will keep you in my thoughts...

Seperated, Cape Dress Wearing, Covered, Conservative Mennonite Mama to big girl K.
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Old 05-09-2004, 05:48 PM
 
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I have never been in your exact situation, but I have been an unmarried 17 year old in her freshman year of college who is pg and has no support from her mother, who wants her to abort.
I think you should pray, if you believe in God, and see what he wants for you. I can't believe that a child can be anything but a blessing, even if they make things tough. I think that giving into your husband and having a abortion you believe is wrong would ruin your marriage, eventually. You have to be able to live with your decision. I am also morally against abortion, and I am so sad to hear you say you're considering it. I wil pray for you, that you can find a way to take care of another child. As another poster said, could you put the kids in public school temporarily, get WIC or public assistance, move to a cheaper city, etc?
I think your instinct of considering the relationship between your first and second is important. Your third and fourth might be just as close.
Good luck and I'll be praying for you.

Mom to 5 wonderful kids (9, 6, 4, 2 and 0), 1 adopted through foster care.

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Old 05-09-2004, 05:55 PM
 
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wow, that is hard.
I vote for keeping it. Our third was convcieved after we had decided to leave our baby making up to God. I got pg almost immediately, Then I got really sick. Hyperemesis. We were very conservative Christians. I had two todlers that I could barely take care of. I would just sit some days and read the abortion ads in the yellow pages. I talked about going to stay with a friend of mine, 1000 miles away bc taking care of the kids was so hard. DH started talking about abortion. In the end, we couldnt have an abortion, we stuck together and pulled through it. He is now 3 and a hadnful, but the light of our life.
I think if you have an abortion, you will have a lot of guilt. I dont think everyone has guilt, but from what you are sayng about your religious beliefs, you will have it. I think if you hae the baby, it will be hard, but you will never regret it.
I am going to tell you what I said to my husbnd when he started talking about abortion(warning graphic!! I respect everyones decisions here, this was just my personal vision that I was given after dh started talking about abortion, so I shared it with him and I am sharing it with Guest, due to the fact that she is coming form the same religious belief system) "If you think we shoudl have an abortion, why dont you go get a knife and kill one of the two we have, because thats how an abortion will feel to us" That changed everything. The little bean went from being a problem to being a little person.
Kids really dont cost much. I am also really thinking that adding a fourth isnt as hard as adding a third. If your oldst are a little older, than they can help.
I agree that you should look at this as what God has given you and He will help you through
((Hugs)) Happy Mothers day.
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Old 05-09-2004, 06:04 PM
 
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((((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry you are in this position. I really do feel for you. How far along are you? I would highly suggest talking with a counselor, pastor or good friend, if you can and waiting a little while before you do anything. Let the information really sink in and see how you feel in another week or two. Since you said you are morally opposed to having an abortion yourself, I would worry that if you choose that route that you would have a tremendous amount of guilt afterward. If you do decide to have one, definitely get counseling both before and afterward. You can always look at open adoption. There are so many wonderful people out there unable to have children who would love to adopt an infant.

Good luck with your decision and choice. You've mentioned that you believe in God, so please pray about this and see how He answers.
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Old 05-09-2004, 06:07 PM
 
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Old 05-09-2004, 06:07 PM
 
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Hugs to you. Give yourself some time to think this through and listen to your heart. Good luck with whatever you decide is best for you and your family.
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Old 05-09-2004, 06:21 PM
 
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Poor Guest . . .

Some lousy kind of mother's day, huh?

I have been in your situation, but with a twist . . .

(And I just posted this elsewhere, so forgive me if you read it somewhere else).

Back in the 60s, my very Cathoic parents had 4 children in as many years. At her post-partum checkup with #4, she asked her doctor for birth control and he (also Catholic), refused to give it to her. By the time she got to see a new doctor, she was pregnant with #5. She was quite upset about it (also worried about what family would say). Weren't quite so many options then, so, of course she had the baby, who turned out to be me!! She says she grew to be happy about the pregnancy, but things were certainly hard for awhile . . . and she did end up getting that birth control, as I am the last child in the family.

Anyway, I actually am pro-choice & can understand you considering an abortion. But that said, it surely is something to think looooooooong and hard about, and you should talk to someone in real life about what it would entail physically, emotionally, the whole shebang, and not just now, but in the long term.

Take some time. You don't need to decide this minute. You need to let the shock wear off--for you and for DH, as well.

So sorry you are going through this.
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Old 05-09-2004, 06:45 PM
 
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I have a SIL and a few friends that have either TRIED to become pregnant for years and years and years and are now waiting for an adopted infant or already have adopted an infant. These people (and the hundreds like them) are parents waiting for someone like you to give them a healthy baby to parent! You would be resolving their ongoing heart wrenching ache as well as solving your situation!

Good luck.
Kimberley
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Old 05-09-2004, 06:50 PM
 
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I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I understand why you feel adoption isn't an option, especially with older children.

I will say a prayer that the right decision will make itself quickly known to you.
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Old 05-09-2004, 06:51 PM
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Just want to chime in with support. I don't have any real advice for you. I am ardently pro-choice, so I can understand you considering it - although you obviously aren't comfortable with that choice. I could say that you shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with, but of course that would mean that you wouldn't be in this situation at all right now, since having another baby prolly doesn't sit very well with you right now either.

wow, that was rambly. sorry.

I almost had an abortion when I was pg with my dd (now 9 months). I went in for the appt, had the ultrasound, and it turns out I was too early. I was only 6 wks 5 days along, and they require you to be 7 wks along. They sent me out to the reception area and told me to reschedule. I took it as a sign, walked out, and never thought about it again.

I thought I was pg this past week (bf'ing makes my AF wacky, obviously, and I had a day-long aversion to coffee, which I live on, so I was suspicious). I cried and cried for the few hours until I could buy a test and take it (not pg - whew!!). I am a single momma, in college, no job, no support from my dd's biological father, wonderful emotional support but little financial support from my family, suffering from chronic depresssion... I could go on. I thought to myself, "I canNOT have another baby right now. I will go INSANE." I imagined keeping the baby. No dice. I imagined having an abortion. Broke my heart (as I sat on the couch and bf'd my beloved dd).

I still don't know what I would have decided if I was pg, or if I do get pg anytime soon. I am so sorry that you are in this very hard situation. Please do look into counseling with your DH.

Good luck and keep us posted.
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Old 05-09-2004, 06:54 PM
 
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to you.
I'm so sorry you think you don't have anyone IRL to help, but maybe you do. The counselling idea is a great one, in my city we have quite a few crisis pregnancy centers and a hotline.
Listen to your heart.
I have 2 children right now, got pregnant with #3 and felt really overwhelmed, wasn't happy being pregnant, and then around 20 weeks my baby died from a cord accident and I felt SO guilty.
I actually messed up my NFP and got pregnant last month, it is not ideal timing, dh is having major work problems but I am not going to do anything that causes me to feel guiltly kwim? I am going to enjoy this pregnancy and thank God for His blessing.
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Old 05-09-2004, 07:02 PM
 
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Just wanted to add my s and to tell you to try to give it some time. I found out that I was PG - VERY UNPLANNED when DD was 14 months. I had a horrible time with it and we were planning on having another - just not so soon - I can only imagine how much harder this must be when you knew that you didn't want any more. I'll be thinking of you.

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Old 05-09-2004, 07:03 PM
 
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I'll put mt two cents in since everyone else has.
First, I'm sending a hug. This is tough. I also have been in this situation. Abortion hurts forever, and caused my first divorce. We both ended up with so much guilt and harboured secret blame for the other for letting the abortion occur. We agonized over it even after the divorce, crying for the baby we felt we killed. I found out later with some group counseling that alot of couples split after an abortion. It just won't fix anything. It will cause you and your spouse pain and may cost the kids you already have their family.
I am not denying it will be hard to have 4 kids. Just that it will be harder not to.

With Love,
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Old 05-09-2004, 07:13 PM
 
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No advice. Just hugs.
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Old 05-09-2004, 07:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vegiemom
I have a SIL and a few friends that have either TRIED to become pregnant for years and years and years and are now waiting for an adopted infant or already have adopted an infant. These people (and the hundreds like them) are parents waiting for someone like you to give them a healthy baby to parent! You would be resolving their ongoing heart wrenching ache as well as solving your situation!

Good luck.
Kimberley

:::floored:::

Placing a child for adoption, deciding not to parent is not like giving a gift. Guest is not put on this earth to resolve other peoples infertility or make them parents or resolve their heart ache. Also, that isnt what adoption is about.

Adoptive mom,
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Old 05-09-2004, 07:47 PM
 
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oh mama, s. I can understand your dilemma. I got pg when my oldest was 6 months. My dp didn't have a decent job and I felt we were kind of rocky as far as being together for the rest of our lives. I am pro-choice, no doubt about it, and I definetly considered abortion. I felt like I had enough on my plate with 1. In the end I didn't do it. My relationship with dp was definetly strained throughout the pg (even though he didn't want to do the abortion). I didn't want him to touch me, we rarely had sex and our communication wasn't good. We split when my youngest was a few months old. So, now I am a single mama with 2. Would it be easier with 1, yes probably. Could I imagine not having my baby, no. Seeing the girls together is wonderful and my little one is such a lovey cuddle munchkin. I can understand you feel overwhelmed with the 3 you already have. I don't know how people with 4, 5 ... kids do it. I think my limit is 2.
My point I guess is that there is not a perfect solution. This was hard for me, as I am always looking for one. Either of the options you have could end your marriage, cause strain in your marriage, cause pain and suffering. IMO, that isn't really the point though. You will do whatever is right for you and things will work out. This day will pass and the next one too; life will go on, ups and downs will come and you will get thru them. This is not just the end of life as you know it, it is the beginning of a new one, whatever you decide. And to me that is a beautiful thing.

Mama to DD#1 2001 reading.gif, DD#2 2002 2whistle.gif, dog2.gif, & cat.gif. Me & my man partners.gifbelly.gif June 2014.
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Old 05-09-2004, 07:53 PM
lab
 
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I am going to try to give it a day or two. Please keep me in your prayers~~I need a lot of help & a shoulder to cry on.
Thank you
That is the best thing you can do!

I've been in your shoes and I cried for weeks. I wanted a third child. I really did. But the timing was terrible and I was sick of being pregnant.

Now he's almost 7 and he makes my world go round!

I know it is hard to see things that way when you are living it day by day.

Just take it one day at a time. It will take weeks to get used to the idea, and that is really what you have to do..



Trying to do the right thing with three kids and a hubby. 
ds20, dd18, ds17
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Old 05-09-2004, 08:03 PM
 
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I'm sorry that you're so upset. I've been there at least two times. While I never considered abortion I did occasainally "hope" for miscarriage. I always thought I couldn't handle more. I would cry through entire pregnancies worrying about money, my time (we homeschool too), etc. My worry was unfounded as the next child just fits, KWIM? Let it sink in. My dh cried for weeks and weeks when I found out I was pg with #5. He loves our son (now 18 months) and can't imagine life without him. Hugs to you and your dh. I will pray hard for you both.

Amy - Blessed wife to Jesse (the best dad in the world), mother of 10 on earth plus 8 in heaven.   PROUD to be a Catholic! : winner.jpg familybed2.gifhomeschool.gif

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