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#601 of 1095 Old 11-17-2006, 08:39 PM
 
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Continuum Concept mamas.....I would love your input

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=561434

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#602 of 1095 Old 03-22-2007, 10:22 PM
 
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#603 of 1095 Old 03-22-2007, 10:52 PM
 
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I'm here...
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#604 of 1095 Old 03-23-2007, 12:38 AM
 
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Hey! I miss this thread!
Wow, CC parenting with an almost 4-year old is so much more complex in some ways...
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#605 of 1095 Old 03-23-2007, 12:39 AM
 
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Hey! I miss this thread!
Wow, CC parenting with an almost 4-year old is so much more complex in some ways...
Oooh, I'm interested! I have a 3.5 year old. What are your experiences?
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#606 of 1095 Old 03-23-2007, 03:21 AM
 
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Oooh, I'm interested! I have a 3.5 year old. What are your experiences?
Same question here... I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I find it difficult to give them both all of my attention (at the same time especially) now that my 1 year old isn't my 'in arms' baby anymore.
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#607 of 1095 Old 03-23-2007, 12:08 PM
 
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Hey! I miss this thread!
Wow, CC parenting with an almost 4-year old is so much more complex in some ways...
I have had coaching with Scott Noelle. My dd1 is now 5, but at the time Scott was saying that CC-raised 4-year-olds in our culture are somewhat like the mainstream raised 2-year-olds.

Now how can I explain this. I guess our CC-raised 2-year-olds don't get "shut down" and are allowed to explore (physically and mentally and emotionally). By age 4, they feel strong in themselves and are brave to question how we are doing things in our culture, etc.

I think he said he was considering doing a whole program on 4-year-olds.

So, when you think about it, we are so blessed that our kids are strong and free-willed!

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I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I find it difficult to give them both all of my attention (at the same time especially) now that my 1 year old isn't my 'in arms' baby anymore.
Ewwww, kindergirl, this has been a struggle for me since dd2 was born (now 17 months). I had a lot of problems spreading my attention to my older dd.

Scott said, "Think of yourself as the sunshine." There's more than enough to go around.

What has helped me is

1-working on loving myself, finding my own bliss in our day
2-watching and reading The Secret. The universe is abundance, I am abundance.

The belief in scarcity is what has made it hard for me to have two children.

The other day my 5yo said, "Mom, come in the living room and see how fast I run." I was cooking lunch with my 1yo. I get a lot of requests from my 5yo while I'm doing something else.

I got in the abundance mode and said, "I AM in there. I see you!" She was really happy and ran fast in the living room with me physically in the kitchen (I was picturing her running as I heard her). And then she said, "HOW did you do that?" I said, "Magic!"

My dh said later, "Isn't that a lie?" I said, "Hm...no. I'm everywhere. My spirit was right there in the living room."

Do you hear the Twilight Zone theme? LOL:

Really, though. It's a mindset. We are spiritual beings and we can be more than one place at a time if we think of ourselves as a part of a huge universe. Please see The Secret if you haven't already

Also, I've been meditating on the mantra "We all get what we want, at the same time." (I even sing it to my girls.) And I feel the feelings of abundance. Every time I do, our life is altered.
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#608 of 1095 Old 03-23-2007, 01:05 PM
 
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THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: "I'm Not A Frog-Boiler!" ::

When you reject authoritarian, coercive parenting in
favor of non-punitive, pleasure-oriented parenting,
critics and naysayers will warn you that your child
won't be able to cope in the "real" world.

The assumption is that "it's a jungle out there" and
we should gradually toughen up our kids and get them
used to suffering so they won't be shocked when they
venture out into the big, bad world.

It's like that famous experiment where they tossed a
healthy frog in boiling water and it leaped right out.
But if they put the frog in cool water and raised the temperature gradually over several days, the frog would be able to *adjust* and stay in the water.

The slow boil seems more humane, but that
"well-adjusted" frog eventually *died* from the heat!
Whereas the non-adjusted frog's intact sensitivity
protected it from being boiled.

Today, look for evidence that your child's sensitivity
is intact (e.g., negative reactions to unwanted
conditions) and be *grateful* for it! Tell yourself,
"My child will *never* get boiled!"

http://dailygroove.net/frog-boiler

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!

Copyright (c) 2007 by Scott Noelle
--
"Inspiration & Coaching for Progressive Parents" http://www.ScottNoelle.com http://www.EnjoyParenting.com 1-360-344-3117, or toll-free in the US: 1-877-ALL-4-JOY (1-877-255-4569)
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#609 of 1095 Old 03-23-2007, 04:51 PM
 
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Same question here... I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I find it difficult to give them both all of my attention (at the same time especially) now that my 1 year old isn't my 'in arms' baby anymore.
IMO, part of the Continuum Concept is about NOT "giving them all of your attention" but rather having them be part of the family/tribe work, and get their needs met from many sources. I think it's OK to ask one child to wait while you triage needs (including your own). Are your kids tandem nursing? I found that just sitting on the couch and nursing them both in the afternoon seemed to recharge our connection - and when the parent-child connection is strong, everything else is easier, and kids simply model after you.
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#610 of 1095 Old 03-23-2007, 05:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mommaof3 View Post
IMO, part of the Continuum Concept is about NOT "giving them all of your attention" but rather having them be part of the family/tribe work, and get their needs met from many sources.
Quoting Scott Noelle below:

Quote:
http://www.movision.se/ny/pics/mat.mpg

Your videography is excellent! Please let us know if/when
more videos are available.

I wouldn't assume that the mother was not paying attention
to the child. I think it's more likely that it only *looks* like non-attention to our Western eyes because Western-style attention is more blatant, less subtle. I think she was probably so attuned with her child that looking at the child with her eyes would seem "redundant".

The anthropologist Richard Sorenson, who has studied the indigenous people of that same region, coined the term "intuitive rapport" to describe their interpersonal attunement. I call it "the one-body principle" because the mother's awareness of her child probably feels similar to her awareness of the parts of her own body -- her child is like an extension of her body in that sense. When you walk, you're aware of your feet, and that awareness is a subtle kind of attention. But you don't have to look at your feet when you walk unless they give you cues that gross attention is needed. Complete withdrawal of attention from your feet would result in a lot of twisted ankles. :-) Likewise, Western "CC" parents who think they shouldn't pay attention to their children may be missing out on the pleasure and other benefits of intuitive rapport.
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#611 of 1095 Old 03-25-2007, 02:29 PM
 
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IMO, part of the Continuum Concept is about NOT "giving them all of your attention" but rather having them be part of the family/tribe work, and get their needs met from many sources.
- and when the parent-child connection is strong, everything else is easier, and kids simply model after you.
Yeah, this has been more my feeling also_ just as I don't give anyone else in the world ALL of my attention ALL of the time, treating ds as an equal member of "the tribe" I would do the same for him.

But wow, what you said about CC 4-year olds being like 2-year-olds in our society really struck a chord! Ds has had so much anger lately, and though I am trying to not force my will, it IS difficult. How do you deal with demands such as "I want to go to the park RIGHT NOW!"? Of course I will not accept him forcing his will on me, but at the same time, unfortunately, he can't go to the park by himself. Ditto for buying cookies, playing board games, etc. i'm sure this would be easier if he wasn't an only child, but...
I do not interfere with his activities or his play (as much as possible), but what do I do when he intereferes with mine?
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#612 of 1095 Old 03-25-2007, 03:41 PM
 
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How do you deal with demands such as "I want to go to the park RIGHT NOW!"? Of course I will not accept him forcing his will on me,
Why is it an "Of course I will not accept...?" I don't think that's a given. That's a choice you make. Also looking at his requests as "Forcing his will" on you is another choice you're making. You can choose to see it differently.

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but at the same time, unfortunately, he can't go to the park by himself. Ditto for buying cookies, playing board games, etc. i'm sure this would be easier if he wasn't an only child, but...
I do not interfere with his activities or his play (as much as possible), but what do I do when he intereferes with mine?
Again, it is all how we look at it. I too struggle with wanting to work on my projects while dd1 (5) very often makes requests of me. But it all goes back to the belief in scarcity.

I notice a huge difference in how things go just by how I'm thinking. See the two scenarios below and notice the difference in how you feel just by reading them. BTW, I've had very similar experiences to both of my examples.

Situation one:

I'm cleaning the kitchen with dd2 (1) in the learning tower. Dd1 (5) yells from the other room, "Mom! I want us to have a halloween party. You get all the stuff for making decorations!"

My thoughts, "Jeez. She is making more demands of me that I just don't want to do. I want to clean the kitchen and now I feel guilty because I don't want to drop what I'm doing to keep dd1 happy. I wish I was a better mom and could be like a kindergarten teacher happily working on kid projects. I can never make her happy. I'm not good enough."

And then I end up snapping at her telling her to work on her own projects.

Situation two:

I'm cleaning the kitchen with dd2 (1) in the learning tower. Dd1 (5) yells from the other room, "Mom! I want us to have a halloween party. You get all the stuff for making decorations!"

Me: "That sounds like fun. I'm washing the dishes."

Dd1: GO GET THE STUFF!

Me: "I'm washing the dishes and you want a halloween party. We all get what we want at the same time!"

My thoughts, "I'm really happy that we get to share this house together and be together all day. Dd1 is so creative and active. I love getting the kitchen clean. The universe is abundant and we all get our needs met."

Dd1 runs into the kitchen and I give her a hug and give her a handful of dishsoap bubbles.
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#613 of 1095 Old 03-25-2007, 04:12 PM
 
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Why is it an "Of course I will not accept...?" I don't think that's a given.
To me it goes hand in hand with the respect that i give to ds. I respect his equal personhood, ergo, most of the time, he respects mine. And many times we agree on activities, i.e.: they appeal to both of us. I don't force him to do what I want to do (except things like brushing teeth, planned trips, etc., things that I view as non-negotiable, which are hardly ever a problem anyway), and I don't accept being pushed into something either.


Quote:
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Situation two:

I'm cleaning the kitchen with dd2 (1) in the learning tower. Dd1 (5) yells from the other room, "Mom! I want us to have a halloween party. You get all the stuff for making decorations!"

Me: "That sounds like fun. I'm washing the dishes."

Dd1: GO GET THE STUFF!

Me: "I'm washing the dishes and you want a halloween party. We all get what we want at the same time!"

My thoughts, "I'm really happy that we get to share this house together and be together all day. Dd1 is so creative and active. I love getting the kitchen clean. The universe is abundant and we all get our needs met."

Dd1 runs into the kitchen and I give her a hug and give her a handful of dishsoap bubbles.
See, this is how it has been for us until very recently: very similar dynamic. However, now, the end result (to my exact same response as yours) is more like: ds becomes sullen, says something like: "I don't like you, I'm going to go live in Africa" (cute, i know) and then throws his toys around angrily until I go to him, take him in my lap and soothe him. I don't know if that's CC, it's my own instinct.
I don't know if this is a boy thing (many of my mama friends seem to think so) or what, but it's very new to our lives. Ds has always been pretty happy-go-lucky, and still is in the main, but I would say at least four or five times a week i get this kind of thing.
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#614 of 1095 Old 03-25-2007, 04:27 PM
 
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I think that having limits is OK (not "putting limits on" children, but simply having your own limits that you take responsibilty for) and there is a way to set limits respectfully. First, you carefully consider your limits and then you have just a few of them (that are really important to you), and then you take responsibilty (i.e. there's no need to sugar coat limits you can say directly "I won't let you hurt anyone" or "I don't want you to..." instead of saying things like "you don't want to..." or "you shouldn't..." or "let's not..."), and then you set the limit ("I don't want to go to the park now") and then you acknowledge their feelings about the limits ("you really want to go to the park now" "you wish I wanted to go too" "it's hard when you want to go to the park and I don't", etc.) and you can be understanding and kind and loving, and kids can feel respected even if they don't get what they want.

There are so many resources for respectful, connected parenting out there, and here is one of my favorites (I feel that it compliments The Continuum Concept wonderfully):

http://www.connectionparenting.com/p...les/index.html (scroll down for the articles), and Pam Leo's new book is great too!
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#615 of 1095 Old 03-25-2007, 04:57 PM
 
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I have had coaching with Scott Noelle. My dd1 is now 5, but at the time Scott was saying that CC-raised 4-year-olds in our culture are somewhat like the mainstream raised 2-year-olds.

Now how can I explain this. I guess our CC-raised 2-year-olds don't get "shut down" and are allowed to explore (physically and mentally and emotionally). By age 4, they feel strong in themselves and are brave to question how we are doing things in our culture, etc.

I think he said he was considering doing a whole program on 4-year-olds.

So, when you think about it, we are so blessed that our kids are strong and free-willed!



Ewwww, kindergirl, this has been a struggle for me since dd2 was born (now 17 months). I had a lot of problems spreading my attention to my older dd.

Scott said, "Think of yourself as the sunshine." There's more than enough to go around.

What has helped me is

1-working on loving myself, finding my own bliss in our day
2-watching and reading The Secret. The universe is abundance, I am abundance.

The belief in scarcity is what has made it hard for me to have two children.

The other day my 5yo said, "Mom, come in the living room and see how fast I run." I was cooking lunch with my 1yo. I get a lot of requests from my 5yo while I'm doing something else.

I got in the abundance mode and said, "I AM in there. I see you!" She was really happy and ran fast in the living room with me physically in the kitchen (I was picturing her running as I heard her). And then she said, "HOW did you do that?" I said, "Magic!"

My dh said later, "Isn't that a lie?" I said, "Hm...no. I'm everywhere. My spirit was right there in the living room."

Do you hear the Twilight Zone theme? LOL:

Really, though. It's a mindset. We are spiritual beings and we can be more than one place at a time if we think of ourselves as a part of a huge universe. Please see The Secret if you haven't already

Also, I've been meditating on the mantra "We all get what we want, at the same time." (I even sing it to my girls.) And I feel the feelings of abundance. Every time I do, our life is altered.
Thank you so much for posting this. I have seen the Secret. I think I need to buy it though, or maybe get the book. I love your mantra and I am going to steal it I have a 4 yr old and soon to be 1 yr old too. My 4 yr old is doing tons of "Look at me mommy" "watch this" "come see" and being very demanding. I am frustrated that she suddenly wants so much of my approval. When I ask her to do something for herself like throw something in the trash, she says "YOU do it" "I don't like to do that." She's also capable of doing so much on her own now, yet she still wants me to do those things for her anyway.

I have this visual image in my mind of an ideal day at home. All of all of us are in the house working on our own things, we are each little spirals and when we come together to work or play, our spirals intertwine. When DD is being so demanding, I feel like we become one thin line where the kids follow me. Or like I'm a spot, like a ball that bounces from one demand to the next. That probably makes no sense, but it is in my mind a lot.

Oy, this post is taking me too long.
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#616 of 1095 Old 03-26-2007, 11:39 AM
 
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My 4 yr old is doing tons of "Look at me mommy" "watch this" "come see" and being very demanding. I am frustrated that she suddenly wants so much of my approval. When I ask her to do something for herself like throw something in the trash, she says "YOU do it" "I don't like to do that." She's also capable of doing so much on her own now, yet she still wants me to do those things for her anyway.
I think it's not so much an approval thing as it is trying to know you're present.

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I have this visual image in my mind of an ideal day at home. All of all of us are in the house working on our own things, we are each little spirals and when we come together to work or play, our spirals intertwine. When DD is being so demanding, I feel like we become one thin line where the kids follow me. Or like I'm a spot, like a ball that bounces from one demand to the next.
Wow, I love this
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#617 of 1095 Old 03-26-2007, 11:40 AM
 
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THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: Love the Behavior, Too ::

When a child's behavior is deemed inappropriate, the conventional wisdom is to "Love the child, hate the behavior."

Hmmm... It'd be nice if children could make the subtle distinction between self and behavior, but even adults have a hard time with that! If your partner tells you s/he hates your behavior, is it any less discouraging to hear, "but I love YOU"?

Our behavior is a reflection of who we are at the
moment. Hating your child's behavior is like saying
you don't love the part of your child that wants to
behave that way. To love unconditionally, you must
find a way to love the behavior, too.

Fortunately, *loving* unwanted behavior doesn't mean
*wanting* it or even tolerating it. You can love
unwanted behavior even as you take steps to change it!

But be open to the possibility that Love will
transform you, your child, and your relationship, such
that you no longer feel a need to change anything.

http://dailygroove.net/dont-explain/love-the-behavior

Today's Daily Groove message was originally
presented on August 21, 2006.

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!

Copyright (c) 2007 by Scott Noelle
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#618 of 1095 Old 03-26-2007, 11:42 AM
 
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To me it goes hand in hand with the respect that i give to ds. I respect his equal personhood, ergo, most of the time, he respects mine. And many times we agree on activities, i.e.: they appeal to both of us. I don't force him to do what I want to do (except things like brushing teeth, planned trips, etc., things that I view as non-negotiable, which are hardly ever a problem anyway), and I don't accept being pushed into something either.
is this inspiring to you (you expect the same respect from you 4yo as you give him, and having things 'non-negotiable')?
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#619 of 1095 Old 03-26-2007, 12:08 PM
 
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#620 of 1095 Old 03-27-2007, 05:25 PM
 
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is this inspiring to you (you expect the same respect from you 4yo as you give him, and having things 'non-negotiable')?

I'm not sure what you mean...
If you're saying, do I find this pleasing, yes, I do. If you're saying, do I feel this is a good aspiration, yes, i do... Ds is generally respectful to everyone, and both he and I enjoy the benefits of that. Of course to expect that all the time from a 4-year-old is extreme... I expect him to do the best he can, but no more than that.

As far as the non-negotiable issue goes, since we don't live in a completely tribal culture, unfortunately, I feel that I have to set some limited limits, such as: I'm sorry, sweetie, but I can't let you walk to the playground by yourself. (the playground is 3 blocks and a few somewhat busy streets away. Ds is 4) Also: If we have planned and bought tickets to fly to visit family for a few weeks, I am not open to changing my mind that morning because ds would rather fingerpaint. And health is an issue to me. Fortunately ds prefers healthy food anyway, but I wouldn't allow him to eat a whole box of cookies before bed, for instance.
I don't know if you understand what exactly I meant by non-negotiable, ( I would attempt to make it as pleasant for ds as possible, and maybe "make a deal" with him: "you do ABC for me, and I'll do EFG for you". I have never been the type to 'put my foot down' and say "you have to do what you're told"), but if you did, and you disagree, I would be interested to hear what alternative you would offer.

To me non-negotiable means that I am not willing to budge on the basic premise, however I may be open to alternatives (such as ds walking to the park with a (much older) friend, or bringing his fingerpaints on the plane, or having one cookie and then brushing his teeth before bed). Perhaps you thought I meant "inflexible"?

Adding to all of this: I am very aware that children have a very real need for attention and love, etc. I do not expect ds to take care of himself and make no requests to me. Just because I don't feel like doing a puzzle doesn't mean I wouldn't sit down and do it with him, for example, and we do spend a significant amount of time in child-directed play.
My issue is mainly about when I am working (doing dishes, cleaning, whatever) and ds demands something RIGHT NOW and becomes very angry about my rather mild reply of: "Not right now, honey, I'm doing the dishes. Why don't you do XYZ until I'm ready?"or better yet: "It's time to do the dishes right now. Would you like to help?"
Part of the problem for me is that, as I said before, this is very new territory for us. Ds has generally been pretty patient and self-directed until the past few weeks. I think we will both take a little while to adjust, or maybe he just needs to try out these new feelings for a little while, and they'll blow over.
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#621 of 1095 Old 03-27-2007, 09:46 PM
 
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Children are not at the same level as the parents, not even in the Yequana tribe. Children are in the process of learning and there are times that parents must pull rank. There was no sweet talking to a child, simple and direct commands were given quite a bit to the Yequana children.

I understand where zansmommy is coming from and I found myself agreeing with some of your perspectives. However, I am not strictly CC-minded as I am not one to abide by one philosophy. I do what feels right to me and my family. I honor my instincts and things usually fall into place better that way. Although, The Continuum Concept by far (besides the Bible) was the most profound book on my parenting views.
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#622 of 1095 Old 03-27-2007, 10:14 PM
 
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I think the words we choose to use have a lot of power. I don't want my dd taking off down the street w/o me; but I wouldn't say it's nonnegotiable. I sometimes want to give direction, but I wouldn't call it 'pulling rank'. I think most of the time adults have more life experience, but I wouldn't say we're at a higher level than kids. A lot of that sort of terminology (way of thinking) reminds me of how my parents thought (and still think) of children.
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#623 of 1095 Old 03-27-2007, 10:18 PM
 
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I think the words we choose to use have a lot of power.
I definitely agree.

I just realized you added more to your comment.

I think it is a grave disservice to not give one's child direction. That is what they are looking to their parents, their leaders for. I am at a higher level than my child when it comes to life experiences. That doesn't make me a better person than them. It just means that parenting is not a partnership. However, I don't exercise my power over my child (as maybe your parents did). I have been given authority over my child, and I do in fact exercise my authority when I deem necessary. If you'd like for me to clarify the difference between authority and power, I would gladly do so.
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#624 of 1095 Old 03-27-2007, 10:42 PM
 
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I don't want my dd taking off down the street w/o me; but I wouldn't say it's nonnegotiable.
Okay, I mean non-negotiable in the sense that I will not give in, no matter what (for instance the airplane trip). However, details could definitely be arranged/ negotiated.
Does that make more sense?
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#625 of 1095 Old 03-27-2007, 11:39 PM
 
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We canceled a flight home to North Carolina, from New York, when our 5 year old did not want to fly. He was afraid to fly. He told me that he didn't like the noise (he is very auditory sensitive), and that he didn't like flying fast and flying high. We found a solution which worked to everyone's satisfaction. So, we ultimately returned for the night with our friends, with whom we were visiting. And decided to extend our trip by driving on to Niagara Falls and then drove home instead of flying. We had an adventure and the path opened up exactly as it needed to unfold. In our family, no one *has to* do anything they don't want to do.

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#626 of 1095 Old 03-28-2007, 08:59 AM
 
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Okay, I mean non-negotiable in the sense that I will not give in, no matter what (for instance the airplane trip). However, details could definitely be arranged/ negotiated.
Does that make more sense?
I think I got ya the first time. How I understand CC and relate to CC and strive for CC is a different mindset than this.

This beautiful dance LucyRev described is reflective of how I see CC, below. This is the kind of parenting advice I, personally, want:

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I have this visual image in my mind of an ideal day at home. All of all of us are in the house working on our own things, we are each little spirals and when we come together to work or play, our spirals intertwine. When DD is being so demanding, I feel like we become one thin line where the kids follow me. Or like I'm a spot, like a ball that bounces from one demand to the next.
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#627 of 1095 Old 03-28-2007, 01:47 PM
 
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We canceled a flight home to North Carolina, from New York, when our 5 year old did not want to fly. He was afraid to fly. He told me that he didn't like the noise (he is very auditory sensitive), and that he didn't like flying fast and flying high. We found a solution which worked to everyone's satisfaction. So, we ultimately returned for the night with our friends, with whom we were visiting. And decided to extend our trip by driving on to Niagara Falls and then drove home instead of flying. We had an adventure and the path opened up exactly as it needed to unfold. In our family, no one *has to* do anything they don't want to do.

Pat
I think I would definitely handle that situation in the same way you did... Luckily ds loves to fly_ i was more referring to a spur of the moment whim which little ones are so prone to.

And Amy MN, i hear you, I think we have some different perspectives. But hey, who doesn't?

The whole reason these ideas come up for me is that I do strive to be as non-authoritarian as I can. Yes I am the adult, but ds is his own person...
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#628 of 1095 Old 03-28-2007, 03:54 PM
 
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The crux to my parenting methods are based on my faith (I am Greek Orthodox). That is my foundation, one in which everything else is based off of. CC is the second book that has impacted my parenting after the Bible. However, I interpret it a specific way for my family.

I don't see CC as being anti-authority, as others may interpret it. Even Jean Leidloff wrote an article regarding who is in control. Authority is very much a CC concept. The leadership of parents plays a significant role in the development of a child. I want my child to be a positive contributing member to society, which means that in certain circumstances he will have to yield to authority above him (police officers, speed limits, teachers, employers, etc). Anarchy and chaos result without a respect of authority.

A child who has only learned how to negotiate with one's parents has not learned how to submit to authority properly, imo. Proper authority is loving leadership, whereas parental power is a hostile form of manipulation. The former very much is aligned with CC styles of parenting, the latter is very much what most think of when they think of their "parent's style of parenting".

Case in point, this is an excerpt from the article I mentioned by Jean Liedloff:

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A toddler's fairly predictable reaction to parental uncertainty is to push his parents even further off-balance, testing for a place where they will stand firm and thus allay his anxiety about who is in charge. He may continue to draw pictures on the wall after his mother has pleaded with him to desist, in an apologetic voice that lets him know she does not believe he will obey. When she then takes away his markers, all the while showing fear of his wrath, he — as surely as he is a social creature — meets her expectations and flies into a screaming rage.

If misreading his anger, she tries even harder to ascertain what he wants, pleads, explains, and appears ever more desperate to placate him, the child will be impelled to make more outrageous, more unacceptable demands. This he must continue to do until at last she does take over leadership and he can feel that order is restored. He may still not have a calm, confident, reliable authority figure to learn from, as his mother is now moving from the point of losing her temper to the point at which guilt and doubts about her competence are again rearing their wobbly heads. Nevertheless, he will have the meager reassurance of seeing that when the chips were down, she did relieve him of command and of his panicky feeling that he should somehow know what she should do.

Put simply, when a child is impelled to try to control the behavior of an adult, it is not because the child wants to succeed, but because the child needs to be certain that the adult knows what he or she is doing. Furthermore, the child cannot resist such testing until the adult stands firm and the child can have that certainty. No child would dream of trying to take over the initiative from an adult unless that child receives a clear message that such action is expected — not wanted, but expected! Moreover, once the child feels he has attained control, he becomes confused and frightened and must go to any extreme to compel the adult to take the leadership back where it belongs.

When this is understood, the parents' fear of imposing upon their child is allayed, and they see that there is no call for adversariality. By maintaining control, they are fulfilling their beloved child's needs, rather than acting in opposition to them.

http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html
In my home, my son feels safe to explore his world, express his overwhelming emotions and know that I am a constant, an unchanging figure of love and leadership. I provide the stability that is not always present in his ever-changing world. He can depend on me and my help in making sense of things when the need arises. There is no worry about who is in control and so he is free to live and just be.
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#629 of 1095 Old 03-28-2007, 04:06 PM
 
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Anarchy and chaos result without a respect of authority.
I thought she said their society was anarchy, no?

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#630 of 1095 Old 03-28-2007, 04:12 PM
 
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I thought she said their society was anarchy, no?

How can a society so evidently in harmony with one another also be anarchy? I don't remember her describing the Yequana tribe as such, but I may be mistaken. I have not read the book in quite some time.
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