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Old 08-15-2004, 10:18 AM
 
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Morsan, how did you deal with him hitting - that you thought was the wrong reaction? I ask because I am trying to help a couple of people out. I know these two people whose toddlers are hitting/pinching, and none of us seem to be sure of the right "reaction." Maybe it depends on the kid, etc.

It seems to me that hitting, biting, etc. are just more likely in some kids - like some kids are maybe pre-disposed to fall into that, and you get the wrong ingredients, and that's their way of dealing with stress. Some other kids might choose a different way of dealing with it. I guess the good thing about hitting and biting and pinching is that the parents can be *sure* that something is going on. It's really unfortunate when children turn everything *inward* and act "good" under stress. . . then everyone can ignore the problem.

I have been thinking a lot about this, and I remembered that children in daycare are always found to be more aggressive, overall. So I am working on a theory that maybe to "cure" a "violent" child, one could give them a lot more body contact. What do you think? I was thinking that if my ds did that, I would think that it was due to stress, and I know that physical contact lowers stress. So I think I would try to wear him more (he's young enough to do that) and take walks with the backpack, and be conscious of giving him more affection and definitely co-sleep if I wasn't already. I would try this for like 14 days to see if it changed anything. What do you all think? Am I nuts? I also read somewhere that people who sleep in body contact with someone else have much lower rates of heart disease (and maybe cancer?)

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Old 08-16-2004, 05:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jenne
Do any of you allow your children to play with dangerous implements like knives, matches, electrical sockets?
I do not let my children play with anything so technologically advanced that they would have no continuum experience or instincts to use to help protect them. I consider electrical just about anything to be on that list, and matches just plain didn't exist until extremely recently after gunpowder was invented. Knives -- well, it depends. A giant serrated bread knife or a huge chef's knife... heck no. Why? Because *I* don't use those all the time. Let me explain -- how could I possibly expect my children to have some sort of contiuum understanding about giant knives when their own mother hardly uses them during the course of her day? A primitive tribe who has knives lying out all day long because they hunt, skin animals, make weapons and tools, cook, and protect themselves all day long with them is one thing, but sorry, I just don't have a machete in my family room, kwim?! I do let them try their hand at smaller paring knives (e.g., to help ME cut an apple) and the dinner knives we use they try out too, but neither could do serious damage, and it's always under direct supervision for now. I use a very common-sense approach to my use of CC I guess. Like how in the heck would a child have any instinct about putting a fork into an electrical outlet? Electricity wasn't common in homes until less than 100 years ago. Now I will say, when it comes to teaching them about not doing something like that, that I am very matter-of-fact about what they can't do. "No touching cords" for example said very seriously (not meanly, just seriously). And I behave like I expect them to comply. I did the same with these poisonous berries that are all around our house -- "These berries are NOT for eating... no eating berries... yuck..." -- and they have never even brought one to their mouth.

My $.02...

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Do you allow your children to be hit/pushed/hurt by older or other children without interfering?
Absolutely not. If another child is not socialized (and/or wired) to be social with my kids, I will not tolerate my children being hurt. I don't see how that is CC. If some child from another tribe wandered into the Yequana and started pummeling their kids, I doubt they'd sit back, kwim? They'd be horrified as am I when someone on the playground is aggressive with dd or ds (or for that matter, when dd or ds try out biting or hitting each other). I don't see the difference between a child biting my kid or a dog biting my kid... both require immediate intervention IMO.

This is true whether it is siblings or playgroups... harming another person is the ultimate in unacceptable behaviour in my book, regardless as to who's doing it, and dh and I take immediate (and gentle) strides to intervene on our child's behalf, as I said, even if the "offender" is their sibling (which happens rarely these days, but they did go through a biting phase around 18 months when they were teething bad). I do just want to point out that I'm talking about real harm here, not just "not being nice".
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Old 08-16-2004, 08:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Periwinkle
I don't see the difference between a child biting my kid or a dog biting my kid... both require immediate intervention IMO.
Oh, Good analogy! I'll have to remember that.

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but they did go through a biting phase around 18 months when they were teething bad).
What kind of biting phase, do you mind telling me? Did they bite really hard? Did it continue for a long time? Did they bite a lot of different people? I'm just wondering if there is hope for our situation, or if this is a problem behavior I should worry about. It's been going on for about 4 months, I think.

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Old 08-16-2004, 09:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Periwinkle
I do not let my children play with anything so technologically advanced that they would have no continuum experience or instincts to use to help protect them. I consider electrical just about anything to be on that list, and matches just plain didn't exist until extremely recently after gunpowder was invented...Like how in the heck would a child have any instinct about putting a fork into an electrical outlet?
ITA This is how I view everything and why I am drawn to TCC. As my user name suggests, I tend to parent in whatever way seems as natural as possible. "New" technology is very unnatural to me. The same holds true with parking lots and the street. I am very careful with my kids around roads. Huge metal machines going 80 mph is definately not something natural in my book.

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Originally Posted by Periwinkle
I will not tolerate my children being hurt. I don't see how that is CC... harming another person is the ultimate in unacceptable behaviour in my book
Once again, ITA! My instincts are: child being hurt, protect them. Mama bear does not sit aside while her cubs are being attacked.

Good stuff Periwinkle.

Also, I see your new sig. Congratulations on #3! How exciting!
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Old 08-16-2004, 11:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MisfitMama
What kind of biting phase, do you mind telling me? Did they bite really hard? Did it continue for a long time? Did they bite a lot of different people? I'm just wondering if there is hope for our situation, or if this is a problem behavior I should worry about. It's been going on for about 4 months, I think.
Oh I don't mind at all. Around 18 months -- for my dd and ds this is when they were talking but not really able to fully express themselves well with words (e.g., they didn't start sentences until ~21 mos.) and this frustrated them a lot -- they would get a) excited (as in, while playing "chase" around the table) or b) frustrated, and just bite whichever body part was closest. They were also teething badly which I think made things worse. Usually just nips, but there was some broken skin in there a few times. Only once or twice did they try to bite me and never my dh (darn husbands). Never anyone else. But it was a real problem for them obviously and compounded by the fact that they're the same age -- it was hard for me to figure out how to discipline one without neglecting the comfort needs of the other. For example, my instict was to rush over and scoop up the hurt one out of harm's way and comfort him or her, but then quite frankly the other one just kind of went on with their play like nothing was wrong and by the time their brother or sister had stopped crying, it felt weird for me to have a talk with them about the behavior much less scold them in any way, because they were kind of like "Gee ma, what did I do?" by that point, kwim? I have always insticually let natural consequences be a good way of disciplining my kids, and NO I definitely do NOT mean any book or whatever about this, just plain common sense: you throw your food, you get down from the table to pick it up before continuing to eat (not fun); you bang on the window with a hammer, mama takes away the hammer (again, not fun); etc. I actually have no idea if this is CC or what the CC way of disciplining is, but for me, it makes the most sense for their to be a natural and appropriate consequence for any kind of harmful or negative behavior. But my dilemma was, what is the consequence for hitting or biting? An immediate, easily understood consequence? And how could I ensure they understood that without not responding to the one who was bitten? So... and please don't flame me if this sounds just terrible... I figured that being anti-social (biting) means you no longer can enjoy the privledge of being with people until you're ready not to bite. I honestly hate the idea of time out, but for anti-social behavior it actually makes sense to me because it is NOT an arbitrary punishment... in this case, it is a logical extension of doing something mean to someone. So let's say dd bit ds. I would take dd immediately into the other room (next to ours) and say "No biting. You may not be around us when you bite." and then rush back to comfort ds. They actually would usually sit there (in the kitchen, no toys around) for a minute which was enough time for me to comfort the other one. Then I would go back to the biter and say something like, "You may not hit your brother/sister. No hiting. Mama and ___ are going to play and when you're ready to come in and play nicely, you can." They actually got it, and would come in and sit down to play veeery nicely and IMO appropriately slightly chastened. Occasionally the biter would be so ramped up they would not sit in the kitchen for a moment and so I would put them in their booster seat.

Anyway, within a short amount of time, they definitely "got" that biting was NOT okay. And we noticed a fairly steady (if somewhat less rapid then we'd have liked) decrease in the behavior. I guess by the time they were around 22 months it had gone away completely.

So this was our problem and our strategy, warts and all!

I'd LOVE to hear how other moms who try to CC (either whole or in part) handle this. Always looking for good ideas!!!
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Old 08-20-2004, 03:02 PM
 
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About tree climbing: I think it is a fine thing to do! What I would say to concerned strangers is something like, "He has a lot of practice and is very careful." Try to use a calm, certain tone instead of sounding defensive or impatient (difficult as that is when you hear the same worries all the time!).

About kids roaming around alone: I think modern parents have become absurdly restrictive of this kind of thing, to their kids' detriment. Most places are just not that dangerous, esp. for a kid who's been taught safety skills. IMO, the best way to teach these skills is by modeling What We Do, as opposed to taking full responsibility for everyone's safety and expecting the kids to blunder along needing constant guarding. Then open up the kid's range of self-supervised activity gradually as he/she demonstrates the ability to handle it.

One of the things I love about my neighborhood is that kids do go around my themselves: I've seen kids as young as 3 playing unattended in the front yard (if you stop and talk to them, a parent will come out to see what's up, so there is someone keeping an eye on them), kids as young as 7 walking or bike-riding around or going to the playground in pairs, kids as young as 10 going around alone and running errands (like buying milk), and kids as young as 12 supervising a whole gaggle of younger kids (including infants) on walks and trips to the playground. My neighborhood has a lot of Orthodox Jews, and they in particular seem to give their kids a lot of freedom and responsibility at a young age, but they're not the only ones.

About Liedloff's comments on SAHMs: I think she's talking mostly about the phenomenon of a woman isolated w/her (relatively few) kids and house full of modern conveniences, such that she really does not have enough "work" to satisfy her needs and is encouraged to over-focus on the kids, to everyone's detriment. The more "continuum" alternative would be some combination of home-based work, kids going to work w/their parents (fathers too!), and tribe members sharing child care.

Another great thing about my neighborhood is lots of independent small businesses. Many of them have kids hanging out in their parents' workplace: sitting at the back table of the restaurant doing homework, playing on the floor behind the counter, carefully coloring the signs for the displays, setting the tables, etc. My favorite is the newsstand run by a hardworking Pakistani couple whose son, about 4, is always standing by the register to chirp, "Thank you! Have a nice day!" and occasionally you see him happily arranging the display window.

Mama to a boy EnviroKid treehugger.gif 9 years old and a new little girl EnviroBaby baby.gif!

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Old 08-20-2004, 10:00 PM
 
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So, I've been thinking about some things lately.

First off, I've been thinking about the comment by Periwinkle that technological things like cars and such aren't part of the continuum instinct, because they're modern inventions, so kids need extra guidance with them. And I was thinking that the consciousness that Leidoff is referring to is an innate instinct of self preservation. How is an unguarded swimming pool any different from a deep pit? And how are cars different from wild animals? Both are dangerous and unpredictable. And I do use knives every day. I cook, and I use them to chop vegetables. I don't leave them laying around, but they have their place, and a curious child would have access to them here. It makes me wonder how much I want to child proof my home when I have kids.

The second thing I was thinking about was that this past week I went to the Children's Museum with my best friend and her 3 year old daughter. She was hovering a bit more than I was comfortable with, but I didn't say anything because she's not mine. There was an area where the kids were free to roam and play... well, the whole place is like that, but this spot was a bit more interactive. And I saw a lot of kids being too rough, and falling and hurting themselves, and crying for their parents, who were either hovering or nowhere to be seen. I don't think either situation is a good thing. It just disturbed me. I couldn't find an example of the continuum anywhere. And I was trying to decide what I would do if I had a child with me. What would you do in a situation like that? I guess it's not very different from the playground. Would you follow your child, at a distance? Or would you find a spot where your child knew where you were and plant yourself, so that your child could come back if they needed you? Does it depend on the age? What if someone pushes your child, and they fall down? I'm just very disturbed by all this, and I don't know what to think.
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Old 08-20-2004, 11:38 PM
 
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How is an unguarded swimming pool any different from a deep pit?
IMO, it isn't. I don't consider a swimming pool, which is no different than a pond, deep puddle, watering hole, or any other body of water people have been around for millennia, to be the kind of modern invention I personally was referring to.

We just got back from 10 days in the Poconos, surrounded on 3 sides by a lake. We have NO water near where we live, aside from the kiddie pool and bathtub I suppose, and they've never even been in a swimming pool so I admit to being a little freaked about the lake and all the docks just dropping off into deep water. They ran around on the dock (supervised of course -- I'm not THAT CC! ) and carefully avoided the edges without so much as a single word from me or dh on the subject. They actually got down on their bellies - a position I have never seen them assume EVER - and crept near the edge of the dock to peer into the water. Then they'd push up onto hands and knees and slowly edge away from the side. I must admit dh and I were really kind of floored, some modern part of me half expected them to run right off the end like some retriever fetching a stick!


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How are cars different from wild animals?
Well, a car IS like a full-grown, charging rhinocerous, true! But I'd love to see the Yequana let their 2 year-old play in the path of a charging rhino. No way! A lion prowling around camp would likely result in babies being scooped up and shuttled into shelter, no? Am I way off on this? If so, I think I'm really missing something because nowhere have I read that being CC means assuming your 20 pound child can fend of a wild beast!


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And I do use knives every day. I cook, and I use them to chop vegetables.
Oh I didn't mean to say anything bad about knives in general, and hope it didn't sound that way, just the ones I don't use often or around dd or ds. Like a giant meat cleaver or axe or something. I never use them, we don't split firewood, I don't skin cattle in my backyard with a long sharp blade, I don't use a scythe to harvest crops, geez I don't even filet my own fish! I use paring knives, basically. And I *do* let dd and ds use these to help me cut up, for example, an apple. I guess what I meant is that the Yequana (and others) left big knives lying around because they used them all the time and the children were intimately familiar with how they were used. I think saying a modern family can leave an axe lying on the living room floor when a child has never been around sharp knives is misreading CC. I hope that makes sense.


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The second thing I was thinking about was that this past week I went to the Children's Museum ...and I saw a lot of kids being too rough, and falling and hurting themselves, and crying for their parents, who were either hovering or nowhere to be seen. I don't think either situation is a good thing. It just disturbed me. I couldn't find an example of the continuum anywhere. And I was trying to decide what I would do if I had a child with me. What would you do in a situation like that?
Hmmm... that's a hard call. I guess I tend not to hover unless I see iminent danger for my children, like a child who is clearly out of control or hitting other kids or something. There's nothing CC about letting your young child be pummelled. I often vary my behavior at the playground depending on who's around and how others are behaving. Unfortunately I don't live in a CC tribe, so I have the reality that other kids will be aggressive or lack coordination on playground equipment my dd and ds would otherwise be perfectly safe on, either way putting my kids at risk where they wouldn't normally be. To me, this issue is the most, for lack of a better word, annoying thing to me about trying to be at least somewhat CC in modern times, i.e., the impact of other people's kids (or adults for that matter) on my ability to parent the way I want to.


Interesting stuff. I'm looking forward to reading others' responses, e.g., on the speeding cars (aka rhinos!) issue.
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Old 08-22-2004, 03:30 AM
 
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I have been thinking of ways to become more CC with my girls. I would like your comments on bed rails, safety vests for swimming, padded floor mats for babies, sippy cups, bowls w/ suction cups underneath (I hate these), plastic covers for coffee table edges, toilet bowl locks. Are any of these things necessary. Oh, and what do you think about a baby getting wet in the rain, a toddler jumping on the bed or climbing onto wobbly furniture ?
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Old 08-22-2004, 03:46 PM
 
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I have been thinking of ways to become more CC with my girls. I would like your comments on bed rails, safety vests for swimming, padded floor mats for babies, sippy cups, bowls w/ suction cups underneath (I hate these), plastic covers for coffee table edges, toilet bowl locks. Are any of these things necessary. Oh, and what do you think about a baby getting wet in the rain, a toddler jumping on the bed or climbing onto wobbly furniture ?

Bed rails: No. Dd and ds never fall out of beds. (Knock wood.) And I wouldn't put them way up high on a bed anyway because I think that is not very CC - in other words, a bed low-ish to the ground is what most people are used to anyway.

Safety vests for swimming: It depends. When we go out on a motor boat I do make everyone wear life vests because accidents happen - someone could run you over in your boat. We were seatbelts too and I see no difference between seatbelts and life preservers. BUT... dd and ds do NOT wear swimmies or other flotation devices when playing or "swimming" in water. I think it's important for them to learn how their bodies act in water - for now, obviously we help support them, but as we teach them to swim they will begin using more and more of their own power to stay afloat and less of mom or dad. I think teaching a child to swim by using a lot of artificial flotation can be counter-productive. Plus... none of the things available such as swimmies, inner-tube bathing suits, etc. is designed as a life saving device, e.g., a floatation swimsuit is just as likely to allow your child to be floating heads down in the water as heads up. In other words, people don't drown because they sink to the bottom of the pool or lake.

Padded floor mats for babies: No. Though I guess I'm not really sure what you mean. I put my babies in the grass, on the wood floor, basically wherever without any sort of padding.

Sippy cups: Heck yeah! Sorry, beige carpet and grape juice just don't mix. If only we lived outside where spills were absorbed naturally by the earth! That being said, I have tried very early on to teach dd and ds to use a cup and they are pretty good at it. But only when they're sitting at the kitchen table or outside, otherwise it would go overwhere.

Bowls w/ suction cups underneath: Yup. We used those when dd and ds were in highchairs and just learning how to self-feed. Maybe if you only have one baby you can sit them on your knee and they can feed themselves from a bowl you hold steady in front of you, but it's not possible with twins. So I found the suction cups to be really helpful to keep their bowls stead to allow them to get a good scoop of whatever they were eating. As soon as they learned to steady the bowl with the other hand, we took the suction cups off. FWIW, I never used the suction cups to prevent food throwing or bowl flinging. A) it wouldn't work and B) food throwing is something we actually take very seriously and wanted the opportunities to address the behavior not just mask it with suction bowls, splat mats, etc etc.

Plastic covers for coffee table edges: No.

Toilet bowl locks: Yes, but not for safety. For mischeviousness!! Dd and ds went through this phase where they wanted to splash the water in the toilet and with two of them, I needed to know that I could be changing dd's diaper without worrying that ds was dunking his shoes into the toilet. You do what you gotta do...

What do you think about a baby getting wet in the rain? Love it. Couldn't live without it! If I had to keep two kids inside every time it rained I would go insane. As long as it's not a giant knockdown lightning storm or below 0, we head outside whenever possible. *I* am actually the one who wants to come inside before dd and ds do. They could care less.

What do you think about a toddler jumping on the bed? I don't let them jump on the bed, but not because it's not safe. I guess I'm kind of a "beds are for sleeping" person and if they want to jump, they can jump elsewhere without messing up the newly made beds.

What do you think about a toddler climbing onto wobbly furniture? It's never been a problem. They've never fallen off of a chair or table or whatever and hurt themselves. The only tumbles they take seem to be almost like mini-experiments... like, what happens if I lean too far back off the (low, with rug cushioning underneath) ottoman?! Wheeeeee! But never anything where they were actually falling accidentally or injured.

****
I look forward to reading everyone elses reponses too!
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Old 08-22-2004, 06:26 PM
 
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I am so glad I found this thread. I almost never check out FYT, and I have been wanting to talk to someone about TCC for a few weeks now. I just finished re-reading the book for the first time in two years. I read it shortly after my daughter was born, and really liked it. I had two close friends who had read it and were implementing the ideas into their lives (they have slightly older children), and so we have had many discussions about how to live this way in our culture. At the same time, over the past two years, I became a little blase about JL and the book, and so when I re-read it, I was taken aback by how much it really resonated with me. I got just as much out of my second reading as I did my first.

I moved cross country last December, and although we're settling in just fine, and have connected with some awesome people, I do not feel like I have a "tribe" anymore (as I did in the last place we lived) and I have watched my daughter (and myself) change some of her behaviors as a result. In addition, some of the people I've met who have kids are very un-CC, despite being ap, nfl, gd, etc. It's very frustrating for me to be around them while they hover and constantly "rescue" their kids, and interfere in the interactions between our kids. Plus, it interrupts the adult time, which is very important to me. I have begun suggesting the book to people, but not many seem interested. Also, I am hesitant to suggest it to certain people because I'm afraid they may be offended by parts of it (for instance, people who have had negative hospital births reading her interpretation of what babies in hospitals go through).

As far as our own parenting goes, we try to let our daughter explore her world on her terms, and be available to her when she needs us. So, for instance, I let her climb all over the play structure at the park as soon as she was interested (13 months?) and would stand nearby (but not on the equipment) for a few weeks, and then after that, continue to hang out on the blanket with the adults. She knew where I was if she needed me.

We did not do much childproofing (no plastic outlet plugs, baby gates, toilet locks, only locked cabinets with chemicals until we got them out of the house) but we didn't allow her to play with these things either. Outlets are probably the most dangerous, and we would just say, "This is not a toy." And then we'd show her what they were for by plugging something in, and tell her that it was a job for mamas and dadas. She never showed much interest in them, and I have never been concerned about her being around them. Really, it all comes down to expectations. I trust my child to keep herself safe and know her own boundaries.

Where this gets difficult is out of our bubble. The biggest thing I got from my recent reading of TCC was that our culture/society (in the US) is NOT a tribe. The reason life works so well for the Yequanas is that ALL adults have the same expectations of ALL the children. But when I go out in public with my child, even if I expect her to stay with me and stay safe, other people's energy and expectations are working against mine, and can affect her.

Here's an example. Last winter, we were at my BIL's house for the holidays, and the whole family was there. My daughter was navigating the stairs by herself. We were keeping a fairly close eye on her, because she'd never been around stairs before, but trusting her to be okay. Well, everyone else kept telling her "be careful" and "don't fall" and asking us if we knew she was on the stairs or if we were watching her (I guess we just looked like the world's laziest parents ) and of course, inevitably, she fell down the stairs. She was fine, and so we weren't really freaking out (more just annoyed with everyone else) but my BIL's wife was really upset and worried and got snippy with BIL (because just before the fall she had asked him if he was watching our daughter, and we said we were, but somehow she felt he was still responsible).

When it comes to aggressive behavior between kids, I have different ways of approaching it, depending on the situation. Obviously, random kids at the park are not a part of our community, and so yes, I have an obligation to protect my daughter. However, this has not been necessary, as most of the time other parents are hovering and immediately deal with their own children before I feel I need to. My daughter has one friend who was pushing her for a while. My inclination is to let them work it out unless she's asking for help (which occurs in different ways, sometimes she comes and tells me what's going on, and sometimes she screams and cries and looks at me). I feel like my job as a parent is to *be available* to my child, which doesn't mean interfering in her personal interactions unless she signals that she needs me to.

I think this post is long enough, so I will sign off. I have been thinking about this subject a LOT lately, and I am really happy to find this thread. Thanks to those of you who have been keeping it going!
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Old 08-22-2004, 08:27 PM
 
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Hi Mamas,

I have a question regarding verbal interaction amongst children. I have a 3 yo. We recently moved to a new area & have not yet found like-minded parents for playdates & such. I agree w/ most that I've found & read about w/ Liedloff. I agree that for the most part we should allow children to have interaction w/o intervention on our part. I'm working on my "hovering." I've been taking my ds to local parks to get some outside time & interaction w/ other kiddos. He's drawn to older children & their play. However, sometimes the older children don't want to involve them w/ their play. Some will not say anything & I think hope he gets the hint if they ignore him. Others, will turn their backs on him & make comments to their fellow playmates. Still others will say things like, "Would you stop bothering us?" I understand that this is all developmental & I'm not asking how I should get them to change their minds & let him play w/ them. Rather, I wonder how much I should intervene if ds, say, doesn't get the "hint" & wants to continue to play. Should I redirect him to another activity or group of kiddos?

I guess, I have my own issues w/ hurt feelings on the playground & I might be projecting them on him, b/c he doesn't seem to have hurt feelings when they make comments or ignore him.

Just looking from some feedback. Thanks!

Tina
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Old 08-24-2004, 09:41 PM
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Misfitmama- In reply to your post way up on this page:
The reaction I had which I consider to be wrong was fretting too much about his hitting. We went to see another playmate and that day I was under a lot of stress (hoping that they would get along real bad because I was helping out his mom with her new baby). I got pretty angry with ds instead of doing what I usually do. Every time he hits someone I go up and tell him that it hurts and that's usually all. I'm not the one to let them work it out if the other child isn't on the same level. If someone is being hurt I really can't just stand by and look. He (and other kids) usually claws and it leaves nasty marks. It must be very painful.
As far as more physical contact, my ds does have lots of physical contact with us. he still sleeps with us, always has, I give him hugs and kisses quite often. But what's lacking, in my opinion, is playtime, and rough playtime. he loves that, and well I don't really. But I'm trying to learn to like it.
he always deals with conflicts by hitting the other child. many times he has very good intentions when approaching another child, but the other child won't allow him to be part of whatever is going on. I'd love it if ds found another way to deal with such frustrations. He easily is hurt by rejection, and if he can sense just a tiny amount of that in another child, he's likely to hit.
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Old 08-26-2004, 06:54 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tinaq
sometimes the older children don't want to involve them w/ their play. . . . Should I redirect him to another activity or group of kiddos?
Tina, my ds isn't old enough to understand what other kids are saying about him or even to him yet, but I think that if/when this happens to him, I'll either let him deal with it, or, if it seems that his feelings are hurt or something, I might pretend not to have heard what they said and just say something like, "Hey, let's go try out the swings" or something - just to cut it off before it gets ugly.

Then again, I didn't usually have playground issues as a child, so I guess I just expect things to roll off ds - after all, he is likable and can easily turn to another group of kids on his own. I guess that too much interference, or your giving off the vibe that he needs to be "rescued" could seep into his unconscious and cause him to feel like there is something wrong with him. So, I take it back - I think I'd let my ds deal with it on his own unless he was crying or came to me for help.

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Old 08-27-2004, 11:21 AM
 
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I have REALLY enjoyed this thread. I recently went out and got the book and it is awesome. The ideas are so new to me and I am jazzed.

I wasn't raised with in-arms or with a tribe. So I am trying to apply the concepts but they are hard for me personally because they are not in my fiber. I don't want to pass that on to my daughter so I am trying to do the in-arms and continuum anyways but it is challenging for me. It makes my system unstable. Not too sure how to balance the two.

Anybody else doing the continuum when they were raised the opposite way? I was bottlefed, in day care at one month, slept in a crib in the other room, no tribe AT ALL, ect... so I am very comfortable now in my life being alone most of the time and to have an attached babe is very hard.

Any tips?

Thank you so much to all the mama's who've posted and introduced the book. It's been life altering. Makes me very repulsed by the way Westerners live. I am now feeling a deep need to change our whole living habitat. So sad to be so isloated without a village and to watch all these people struggle because they didn't get the in-arms phase and see myself in them. kwim?

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Old 10-31-2004, 01:26 AM
 
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hello....is anybody here? HELLOO OO OO O? Were did everyone go? This was such a great thread.

Come on back here, I say... *please*
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Old 10-31-2004, 02:02 AM
 
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I'm still here. I'd love to get this thread going again.
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Old 10-31-2004, 11:38 AM
 
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I'm still here, too.

I think people who don't know about this thread have started other threads about TCC, so it's chaos! Too bad we don't have our own little forum, so we can post about specific topics without them getting lost in the deluge. . .

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Old 10-31-2004, 12:31 PM
 
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I'm still here. I don't have much time to spend here anymore, but I do "hang out" on the TCC listserve.
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Old 11-01-2004, 01:02 PM
 
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I'm reading it for the first time and LOVE it!

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Old 11-01-2004, 01:41 PM
 
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sub'ing
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Old 11-01-2004, 03:19 PM
 
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I'm still here.

I guess a topic to throw out there... getting older siblings ready for the arrival of a new baby!

How have you handled it?

I am currently doing things like:

* Making sure they walk a lot more than having to rely on a double stroller in a store plus a newborn in arms. (UGH!) They hold hands now, never run in street... can walk with me without running away. I want to be able to have them walk whereever pretty much.

* Getting their own snacks. Anyone else do this? It's such a little thing, but I've been letting them get an apple out of the fruit bowl or open the cupboard to get some crackers if they're hungry. I guess this falls under trying to get them a little more thinking about their own hunger and trying to satisfy it in little ways (e.g., if I'm nursing and dinner is delayed by 30 min... so they won't starve AND I can feed baby to his/her heart's content til I figure out the whole nursing in the sling thing.

Any other good ideas? Dd and ds are 2.5... will be 2 3/4 when dc #3 arrives, if that helps.
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Old 11-01-2004, 06:48 PM
 
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I'm still here! We may be ttcing in in the next year, so I'm going to reread the book, and start applying the ideas. Other than that, I'm just lurking now.
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Old 11-01-2004, 06:57 PM
 
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I've seen references to this before and was just wondering what it means. I like reading this thread too and definitely agree with the continuum concept idea.
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Old 11-01-2004, 07:05 PM
 
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Sorry!
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Old 11-03-2004, 05:36 AM
 
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I read TCC as part of my adult recovery from being abandoned as a baby. I spent 6 wks in hospital before my fab mum and dad adopted me. After losing my first hubby in an accident just after we married, I really began searching for answers!! I did rebirthing and loads of other stuff to work on me!! All of this has influenced MY parenting, attatchment etc, but whenI was unable to nurse (had to express as my ds has a severe tongue tie) suffered from terrible depression. I felt like a total failure!!! But he is 5, healthy, happy, reading, IQ score over 130, amazing with numbers, loves magic tricks and fart jokes!! I don't hover and working from home means he has access to me, and knows where I am, but he has the freedom to do what he wants.

Good luck with it everyone, but don't take it as gospel...kids are amazing!!!! They tend to ask for what they need!
Just one more thing, I sense a lot of judgement in many of these forums...for the most part, people are doing the best they can, and if we don't like their parenting style, or what they feed their kids, well we can choose to tell them and suggest changes, ignore it, or use our feelings about the situation to grow and change things about us!!
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Old 11-03-2004, 03:05 PM
 
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Hi, everyone,

Would you like to have a separate forum called "The Continuum Concept" on the Mothering Boards?

With a separate forum, each TCC topic could have it's own thread on the Mothering Boards.

There is a forum through _The Continuum Concept_ website, but Mothering boards are so much more user-friendly.

Cynthia from Mothering.com needs to get an idea about the different topics <to discuss surrounding TCC> so she can see the need for a separate forum.

Please post topic ideas. I'll compile and send them to Cynthia.

Thanks!
Amy
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Old 11-03-2004, 04:20 PM
 
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Personally, I don't think that we're going to get a board if the SAHM's didn't get a board. Though I think it would be cool if we did.
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Old 12-16-2004, 01:58 PM
 
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I'm subscribed now. I didn't realize this was still going on:

So topics we would discuss, if we had a forum:
Safety
Setting limits
Communication
Child-centeredness
Toys
Relationships with our own families and our own continuum.
post-partum depression as a result of broken continuum
caring for elderly on our continuum
age-mates, school, dealing with artificial situations where everyone is same age.
visiting child-centered relatives
food, baby food, baby-centered items, feeding at various ages.
parent intervention when frustrated, when hitting occurs, when safety is an issue.
mouthing small items at various ages
water play, water safety
trusting children
children fulfilling our expectations
stairs, climbing on furniture
use of the stove, fires
using scissors, pins, needles, sewing supplies (ask me about my little Wednesday Adams)
sword play, stick play, bows and arrows, made-up weapons.
mowing the lawn
restoring our own continuums
ways to include your child in your activities
how to see us as all wanting the same thing
breaking the you vs, me cycle, child's needs in conflict with mothers needs.
Is motherhood SUPPOSED to be a huge sacrifice? Is is seen that way in other cultures?

CC is a 'concept' or philosophy of child rearing. MUCH more than just a thread. We would discuss many of the same things on the rest of MDC, but from a CC perspective. While a lot of MDC applies, some of it just doesn't. All the stuff about play groups, play ground and child-centered activites for example. I just don't know how to reply to those posts (so I don't) because philosophically, I'm just so different from that. And I'd like advice on those things from OTHER CC-minded mamas. I'd love a place here on MDC to discuss this stuff.

Third generation WOHM. I work by choice.
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Old 12-18-2004, 03:12 AM
 
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Ellien C--- That's a great list.

It sums up most of my concerns. There are many more topics to discuss when it comes to TCC. As you said here on MDC we can discuss most of these topics but when you see things from a TCC point of view it is a whole new world of parenting.

Thanks for lisiting the topics.
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