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My daughter getting blamed for reporting concerning things her friend told her.

2K views 5 replies 3 participants last post by  Linda on the move 
#1 ·
I'd originally posted about this issue in the teen forum under the title "Some freaky weird back to school drama" -- but have not gotten much response, possibly due to the lengthiness of my original post or maybe less traffic in that forum. At any rate, I'm feeling a need for more input and am hoping that more people might see it and share their thoughts if I put it here, in a (hopefully) more concise post.

My older dd is 14 and in the 9th grade in our district's fine and performing arts magnet, and she and one of her (former) good friends are both theatre arts majors and therefore have all but one class together. I've been informed by the counselor that this will be the case all through high school, since they both have the same major, so my main hope now is that it works out for dd to start Early College Academy in her junior year, which she is really wanting to do anyhow, so that she can have some space from a really difficult situation that's been literally thrust on her.

Last year, this former friend, who'd just come off suicide watch before starting school, kept threatening to kill herself and getting mad at dd for always reporting her threats to a teacher. She ended up having to be put back on suicide watch after one of these incidents, and spent about a week in the hospital. She'd previously told dd that she hated being on suicide watch and never wanted to go through that again, and yet she kept making suicide threats directly to my dd, knowing full well that dd was going to tell an adult.

The other girl's mother got so upset with my dd last spring that she even blocked dd on Facebook for a while, saying (according to her daughter) that dd needed to "learn how to mind her own business and stop spreading other people's business." But by summer, the girls were friends again and the other girl's mom let her chat with dd on Facebook all summer.

Well, this past Wednesday, dd came home from school very worried because this girl told her that her dad had been manhandling her mom and threatening to kill the whole family. Dd told her to call the police and she said she was afraid that the police would kill her dad.

I told dd that I was taking the matter out of her hands, and also that I wouldn't tell her exactly what I did so that if questioned, she could honestly say that she didn't report it and she didn't know who did.

Although I've never been one to want to report other people, this father forcibly yanking the mother out of a car to yell at her, and threatening to kill the whole family, seemed like indications that people's safety could be at risk. So I decided to make an anonymous call to the school counselor.

He, as a mandated reporter, made a report to the authorities, and later that day, the police went to the girl's house. If I'm understanding everything correctly, they found the little sister, who I think was about two or three, home alone, and took her into state custody, but left dd's classmate with the family.

This girl went to school on Thursday very angry with my dd, and was talking badly about her to the other kids, and dd heard her say that she'd told the school office that dd had lied. I'm proud of dd for managing to have a pretty good day in spite of all this; she just sat with a different friend at lunch. One mutual friend came and asked dd what was going on so dd told her.

While dd was still at school, the father called us and claimed that our dd had fabricated everything because she didn't want his dd to be friends with anyone else but her. Which of course is crazy because dd has other friends. The father claimed that the school had "written proof" that our dd had threatened his dd that she'd make stuff up to harm her family if she wasn't exclusive with dd.

I finally had to cut him off and say that I was going to call the school to check things out. I called the counselor and let him know that I was the parent who'd made the anonymous call, and that the father had just called us, and I told him what he'd said about dd. The counselor said he'd never heard anything like that about our dd. I'm guessing that the "written proof" was whatever spiel his daughter had spewed out about our child, which I'm sure was written down by the interviewer, but certainly wasn't "written proof" that anything of the sort had happened.

Dd is very happy in her school and has no desire to change her major. I wanted to let the theatre arts teachers know about the situation, since they are in that class together for two hours a day, plus often have play practice after school and on Saturdays. But dd said she'd rather just talk to the teachers herself if there was a problem, which actually makes me rather proud of her.

Although she's not thrilled about the way this girl is treating her, she seems to feel comfortable with the way that she herself has handled things. She's also had a busy few days, going shopping with a friend yesterday after school, going to the Renaissance Festival today, and spending the night with a different friend tonight. So maybe she'll just focus on all the other interesting stuff in her life and not be too affected by this situation. And maybe I'm overreacting by not being able to mentally drop it yet?
 
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#2 ·
I completely understand why you're upset! Your daughter is correct to report these things, you've done a great job of supporting her appropriately, and she is a very compassionate person to continue trying to be friends with this girl and feeling concern for her after she was previously attacked for telling the truth.

It's great that your daughter is able to focus on what's going well in her life, and certainly you should encourage her to do that. It might be wise to avoid putting herself in a position where this girl is likely to confide in her in the future--but honestly, if the girl tells her next time she's considering suicide or feels in danger, now she KNOWS that it will get reported, so if she doesn't want that she shouldn't tell your daughter. It sounds like this girl has a very difficult life, and perhaps deep down she does want help, despite the resistance she expresses.
 
#3 ·
Thanks so much, EnviroBecca! At this point, I think she wants to keep her distance from this girl. Since there was an update that I posted on the other thread this morning, I'll cross-post it here in case you're interested.


"Well, from what dd overheard yesterday, the little sister is back home and CPS is just keeping a close eye on them now. Apparently she wasn't literally at home alone when the police came -- the 14-year-old was there watching her, but CPS or the police saw it as a problem that there was no parent at home when they arrived. That seems kind of scary and unfair, that they'd remove a child even overnight over this. And if the removal was due to the concerns about the father's violence and threats, then it seems strange that they'd just remove one child and not the other. But all I know is really hearsay anyhow.


Dd, of course, is just hearing bits and pieces of what this girl is saying to other people. She's accusing dd of creating all these problems for her, and doesn't seem to be accepting any personal responsibility for the fiasco that's resulted from someone taking her words seriously and actually caring about her safety. Dd has also heard her telling kids that dd tries to prevent her from having other friends, so it seems likely that the stuff the dad was saying the other day was stuff his daughter had cooked up about our dd. Dd felt so angry the other day hearing her lie like this, and felt like yelling at her, but decided instead to just ignore her and focus on her work. I'm so proud of her.


One thing that concerns both dd and me is that this girl has been saying that her mom's promised her a special reward this summer if she gets into a couple of fights this school year -- and, conversely, has threatened to punish her if anybody beats her up and she doesn't fight back. Dd has devised a good mental strategy in case this girl or anyone tries to start a fight with her. She said she'll just drop to the floor and curl up into a fetal ball. She's that determined to avoid fighting.


Not only does she not want to get hurt -- she also doesn't want to mess up her chances of getting into Early College Academy. I'm so glad that she has her priorities in order, and is able to see her whole life stretching out ahead of her and not just get bogged down in the emotions of the moment. "
 
#4 ·
I think that the more distance your DD puts between herself and this girl the better. If it were my DD, I would recommend she unfriend her on facebook, and screen her calls. I would encourage your DD to focus on other friendships, and, while she and this girl have classes together, to avoid her as much as possible. I would also recommend she avoid talking about her to others, which tends to make things worse. If directly asked, she can say that they used to be friends, but that they don't have much in common, and then CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

My advice to my kids is to stay away from crazy people because they are unpredictable. In fuure, I would take every thing she says with a grain of salt. Both the school and CPS are aware of the situation, there is nothing anyone in your family can do. Avoid the drama, and focus on building relationship with sane people.
 
#5 ·
I think that's great advice, Linda. I was really happy with her the other day for not jumping into any of the discussions about herself that she kept overhearing; she also said that she didn't talk to anyone about it, other than another girl who's her best friend at school, and who's pretty supportive and not the sort to go around repeating stuff.


I told dd that over time, as the other kids see that while this other girl is going around talking trash about dd, dd is not saying anything about her or trying to retaliate, they'll see what kind of person dd really is.


She's not so sure about the majority of the other kids having that level of reasoning -- but I think what will keep her from going crazy is that she has a vision for her own future. She's aware that other kids who are low-income like her have had tremendous opportunities opened for them because of their hard work, and she's not willing to throw away or reduce her own opportunities just because she got really mad and felt like going off on someone.


I have recently encouraged her not to feel like she has to be just perfect in order to be successful, because sometimes I think she's pressuring herself too hard -- but now that this has happened, I'm seeing that there are some very positive aspects to her highly driven and goal-oriented nature.
 
#6 ·
She's aware that other kids who are low-income like her have had tremendous opportunities opened for them because of their hard work, and she's not willing to throw away or reduce her own opportunities just because she got really mad and felt like going off on someone.
I think that is true for people regardless of income and age. We are all better off when we focus on our own goals and own deal, rather than getting hung up on people who we don't add anything to our lives.
 
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