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#1 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 06:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So as not to derail the "boys are stupid t-shirt" thread any further. I , as a mom of 2 little girls have some honest questions for my fellow moms of little boys. When I stated in another post that 1 out of 3 women will be a victim of sexual abuse ( read NOT just rape and NOT just US stats)
and further stating that the little boys of today are the perpetrators of these crimes against women in the future. It is statistically legitimate, although one lovely fellow MDC'er wished God to forbid me to have a boy, which is so sad.

Recently at school a little boy climbed after my girl, pegged her down and pulled off her socks while she screamed. She is 8. The boy's father just laughed and said his son must have a foot-thing. Yeah, today a foot thing....

If I *had* a boy, I would be asking the same questions, and wondering how do we raise our boys to be loving around women and not hurt them? To not rape, kidnapp, molest, date rape, etc?
But since I have only 2 little girls , and I am trying very hard to raise them to be strong and wise without hate, I feel that is all I can do for my contribution for now since I don't have a little boy.
So if any mamas can talk to me about this with the realization that when I say " your boys" I am not talking about anyone personally, I am truly speaking conceptually.
And as a mom of a boy, and a woman yourself, what would you say are good resources or strategies for me to use to keep my girls from harm (as much as I can ) and not become man-haters?
(This is said with peace and true concern for the future of the sexual abuse stats. I am sorry for all the mamas of boys who thought I was addressing them personally )
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#2 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 07:03 PM
 
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Well ,first I guess I would say try to keep your sons from being victims themselves, since statistically those who abused have been abused. I am sure those who abused me had also been sexually abused themselves. I think that is pretty common. I would like to know stats on how many boys are sexually abused?
I don't think I am doing anything special to "perp" prove my son, just raisng him with love and respect as I do my daughter. I certainly won't treat him like a potential sexual abuser anymore than I would my daughter.
Would you have felt the same disgust had it been a little girl who held your dd down and took off her socks?
I also will not raise my daughter to fear boys, in general. I will also not treat her like a potential victim, I think that is damaging too.
I want to raise both of children to trust their instincts about people , regardless of gender.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#3 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 07:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sheacoby I think you are right about abusers being victims themselves. I don't know the stat on boys, but I know that men are more commonly victims of overall violent crimes all over the world.
I think you are reading me wrong, which is ok, but I want to clarify that I don't treat boys like potential rapists and I dont' treat girls like victims. BUT I do work in womens health and see the statistic in my face far to much for me to ignore. Yes I would have been outraged if a girl attacked my child, but it was a boy and really had some horrible foreshadowing type of fear for me.
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#4 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 07:21 PM
 
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Okay, I think we pretty much agree. It just makes me very upset to think anyone could think of my precious , sweet son as a potential abuser. Since you don't see little boys this way and I have just misunderstood your post I guess I have no reason to be offended.
I think the father of that boy should have stopped his son from doing that to your dd and I most definitely would have had it been my son or daughter.
Part of my talking to my kids about sex will be about rape, date rape and sexual harrasment etc.... I think talking about these things will help to keep our boys and girls safe. I do have fears of my daughter being abused and I am pretty protective but I am of my son too.
I talk to my kids pretty often about good touch/bad touch. I think it's very important to teach children the best to keep themselves safe. I also hope like hell nothing ever happens to them.

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#5 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 07:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It just makes me very upset to think anyone could think of my precious , sweet son as a potential abuser
you are a good mama to defend your son and I am just trying to be a good mama too. Sexual abuse gets SO much press, sometimes I am just breathless at the sheer thought....
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#6 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 07:47 PM
 
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Keysmama...I felt hurt by the comment in the other thread. I have three beautiful sons......and the "YOUR boys" just felt like a punch in the stomach--in the other thread.

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#7 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 07:49 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KeysMama
When I stated in another post that 1 out of 3 women will be a victim of sexual abuse ( read NOT just rape and NOT just US stats)
and further stating that the little boys of today are the perpetrators of these crimes against women in the future. It is statistically legitimate, although one lovely fellow MDC'er wished God to forbid me to have a boy, which is so sad.
I am a mother of a daughter and of a son. I am also a survivor of sexual abuse.

I beleive that in order for us to teach our sons respect for women we need to teach them to resepct themselves. We need to teach them that human life - no matter what color, gender, culture, ability, social background, political view, religion, etc - is worthy of respect. Just imagine if we ONLY ever did something out of respect. There would be no war. No reason to hate. No violence.... Maria Montessori said (many many yrs ago) "The fate of the future lies in the hands of our children" and I totally agree.

I have a responsiblity to teach my dd to respect herself, her body and her rights not only as a girl/woman, but as a human being too. As a mother I must teach through word and deed that all people are deserving of respect.

When you pointed out that the boys of today are the perps of these crimes (sexual abuse) your words were offensive to me as you directly implied that MY son was one of them...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keysmama ~ from afore mentioned thread...
As a mom of 2 little girls though, I wonder how DO I boost their sense of self so that they DON'T become one of the 1 in 3 women who is victim of sexual abuse by a male. The same males that are RIGHT NOW little boys. YOUR little boys.
Before I get flamed.... I want to say that I agree with the POINT you are trying to make... I just dont believe that generalizing is necessary.

There are no magic answers to this question.... it is a dynamic and ever-evolving learning experience.

Peace
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#8 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 07:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by happymomwith4
Keysmama...I felt hurt by the comment in the other thread. I have three beautiful sons......and the "YOUR boys" just felt like a punch in the stomach--in the other thread.
Tamera, and Raven, thanks for your replies. I hope you read my OP on this thread to see beyond the words I used and the point I was trying to make-although I obviously needed to find a more eloquent way. That is not my strong suit.
Raven, all good points about respecting of the self. Very true.
Edited to add: I ask this of YOU mamas because I hold Mothering mamas to a higher esteem. What I SEE at school and locally does not make me feel as though the cycle of violence is even close to getting better. So I wanted to know what YOU all are doing that maybe other mainstream mamas are not.
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#9 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 08:01 PM
 
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You need to make sure all the male role models in your child's life behave respectfully towards women. (Or they're out the door!) Children notice and remember and copy behavior.
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#10 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 09:57 PM
 
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Originally Posted by wonderfulmom
You need to make sure all the male role models in your child's life behave respectfully towards women. (Or they're out the door!) Children notice and remember and copy behavior.
Definitely. What kids see as they grow up will influence what they think is "normal" for a long time to come.

I also think that attitudes like the boy's father had in the sock incident don't help any. Both boys and girls need to learn that roughhousing becomes unacceptable when the other person is not a willing participant. It's not funny, or cute, or "boys will be boys" to keep playing that way when the other person wants to stop.
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#11 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 10:21 PM
 
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I have two sons and no daughters. I think the secret whether you are raising boys or girls is teaching respect. Respect of oneself and respect of otehrs. I think myjulybabes had it right with
Quote:
roughhousing becomes unacceptable when the other person is not a willing participant
My older son is 3. Just like most 3 year olds he gets rambunctious - don't even try to tell me it's only boys. What we always remind him is that he has to listen to the other person. If his friend doesn't want to play trucks anymore then he needs to stop. If the other person isn't playing chase then don't run after them. If the kids at the park aren't pretending to play dinosaurs with you then it is rude to roar at them. We emphasize listening to other people wants, likes and wishes. a lot of it involves the fact that he is very outgoing and has virtually no personal space issues. We try to explain that some kids are shy (which he really doesn't understand) and it makes them uncormfortable for him to talk to them or stand by them until he knows them. (At which point he usually says, "Hi I'm Declan. Now you know me. Want to play?")

My point would be that I see both boys and girls, play rough, yank toys, not stop what they are doing at this age. Pretty much every expert agrees that sexual assault - in all it's forms - is more about power than about sex. I think it is far more important to teach children to listen to one another, respect one another, be kind, empathize, etc than to make it a sex ed issue. Of course, we're still at the boys have a penis level of sex ed so maybe I'll change my mind in a few years.
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#12 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 10:25 PM
 
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with all that's been said so far.

I also think that a healthy relationship with mom is vital. That's not to say that motherless boys will grow up to be abusers, but I do think that a strong, loving, healthy, mutually respectful bond with a mother (or a mother-like figure) goes a tremendously long way in helping a boy grow into a man who respects women.
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#13 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 10:40 PM
 
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Keys Mama,

Thank you so much for your words on this... I, too, was shocked and hurt by the other thread, but this made me feel much more peaceful about it, so thank you.

On topic: I have to tell you that these thoughts also have plagued me. I've thought much about the subject of abusers and the way abusers become abusers, and how to prevent my own sweet boys from being those people. I've also always wanted girls, and I think in some way, it's been really healthy for me to first have my sweet boys. My view of boys/young men has changed considerably since I became a mother of a boy.

I agree with much of the previous posters that it has to do with respect and love and determination to model positive, wonderful love and relationships. I think that my boys learn from my partner how a mother needs to be treated. This hopefully will carry over into their relationship paths--they will seek out spaces where they can treat their lovers as they saw Curtis treat me.

I'm scared for my boys.

It's interesting, and I wonder what message my boys are getting when I teach them that if they are ever lost that they need to approach a woman, preferably one with children to seek help. I've actually told them to NEVER go to a man. I wonder what that teaches them?
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#14 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 11:26 PM
 
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The thought of anyone seeing my sweet beautiful son as a potential rapist or abuser is literally sickening. I just got a pounding headache and nauseous. BUT.... I think I understand where you're trying to go with this. I too was abused as a child and as a teen/young adult and worry about this happening to other children.

When pg, I really wanted a girl because I didn't want to have to deal with "icky boy stuff" - boys who hurt animals/bugs, penises, burping, you get the picture.

When I gave birth to my perfect son (ok in my opinion) all that changed. I have an opportunity to give the world a good man. I hope that he will grow to be a loving caring human being who values all other human beings and animals.

I try very hard to not to encourage aggressive behaviors that are sometimes foisted on boys, while at the same time not trying to force "girly" things on him. For example my dad taught my 3 year old nephew to play "slam" (wild wrestling) and he plays at shooting people!!! That just shocked me. I told my dad point blank that he will not play those games with my son - ever. He's been really good about it too. I don't mind rolling around on the floor tickling etc with boys or girls, but "slam" is too violent. We do not stereotype toys. DS has dolls, baby strollers, a play kitchen etc. He tends to like these more than cars, etc. Poor nephew only has "boy toys" whenever he comes over he makes a beeline to DS's toy toaster and will play with it for hours! Those are just some of the day to day things that we try to do.

I do however, think that there are physiolgical differences between boys and girls. DS despite his loving caring environment pushes other children (usually boys) at the park. At swim class DS and the few other boys seem to be more likely to run around the locker room, while the little girls tend to stay by their mothers. I think there were a few books out in the last few years about raising healthy boys. Maybe someone who has read them will chime in.
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#15 of 49 Old 05-15-2004, 11:44 PM
 
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If we raise our sons in a peaceful and gentle manner... ie, gentle birth, extended nursing, responding to their needs, APing, not circumcising, etc... I would assume it would greatly decrease the chances of them being sick and violent in the future.

I mean, it doesn't take a genius, folks
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#16 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 12:01 AM
 
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I think it is very difficult to raise boys in our culture.

My DS1 is very, very sensitive and cries easily (he also gets angry easily). I have tried to gently guide him down the path toward better self-control in general, not just not crying, but not yelling and etc.

His first grade classmates are popularly calling him crybaby and it has been a rather difficult few months. I have briefly mentioned it to his teacher to raise her awareness, but obviously I cannot shield him from all cruelty.

We have talked about it and how some people's attitudes towards "how boys are supposed to be" are just wrong and that everybody is different, etc. He is very verbal and tries hard to understand but I know it hurts him deeply. Thing is, he can't seem to help it. Tears and anger are just near the surface for him; he's always, always been that way.

All I can do is stand there and try to support him and make him feel accepted and loved at home for who he is, try to minimize his exposure to the cruelty as much as I can, and pray a lot. Society is so hard on males right now. They are given as many mixed messages as females are.
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#17 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 12:47 AM
 
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I am the mother of one boy, and an academic whose research is on gender issues and have been a rape crisis advocate for years (I go to the hostipal and police station with rape survivor, hold their hands while they get rape kits, give statements, etc). I am also very concerned about violence and abuse. I think we have to be very clear about the other side of this equation. Yes, 1 in 3 girls will survive sexual assualt AND SO WILL 1 in 5 BOYS. Clearly violence and assualt are of concern for all parents. But, as the mother of a boy, I know tha 95% of these perpetrators are male, so I am concerned. As another poster said, many of those who are violence have been abused themselves.

It is hard to raise boys in our culture, I agree. And we should rememebr that it may be YOUR GIRLS who encourgae our boys to can like men, to be macho, to be tough, etc. Girls can also be very mean to other children and certianly are as guilty of gender-based harrassment in the schools (part of my research). It is often girls who are quick to point out that boys are not allowed to do (like play with dolls), not just other boys. I think that we ALL need to teach our chilren to be respectful of each other, to be accepting, and to know that there are all sorts of boys and girls (and other forms of gender-differnt people) and that that is a wonderful thing. The more we enforce the kind of thinking that says "I am the mother of a boy" and "I am the mother of a girl", the more we invest ourselves in these very arbitrary and hurtful stereotypes about gender - the same stereotypes tha help set our children up to be pertetrators and victims.

My 2 cents.

M

Megan Davidson, Labor & Postpartum Doula, Breastfeeding Counselor, Anthropologist, Mom to August (9) and Clay (4), Partner to Shawn.

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#18 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 01:01 AM
 
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very interesting megan--thanks for sharing
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#19 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 01:14 AM
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thanks for the insight. i have 2 girls and a 9 month old boy. i know there will be some different parenting but not divided girl vs boy
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#20 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 01:22 AM
 
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Hmm, I don't yet see how I would parent a boy differently than a girl. We model and reinforce respect and kindness and sensitivity. We show respect for our children, in the hopes that they in turn show respect for others. I respect and reinforce the boundaries that my son has about his body in hopes that it will protect him from ever being abused, the same as I would a girl.

I replied on the other thread that yes, some of our sons here will be abusers, but so will some of the daughters. Some of the daughters here will abuse their children, abandon their children, have a deadly eating disorder, etc. etc. So do you parent with that specifically in mind? I don't parent with the idea of keeping ds from being an aggressor in mind at all. I think just having the mindset that girls are victims and boys are aggressors is dangerous, as this subtlety (sp?) is picked up on by our children.
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#21 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 01:33 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by megandavidson
It is hard to raise boys in our culture, I agree. And we should rememebr that it may be YOUR GIRLS who encourgae our boys to can like men, to be macho, to be tough, etc. Girls can also be very mean to other children and certianly are as guilty of gender-based harrassment in the schools (part of my research). It is often girls who are quick to point out that boys are not allowed to do (like play with dolls), not just other boys. I think that we ALL need to teach our chilren to be respectful of each other, to be accepting, and to know that there are all sorts of boys and girls (and other forms of gender-differnt people) and that that is a wonderful thing. The more we enforce the kind of thinking that says "I am the mother of a boy" and "I am the mother of a girl", the more we invest ourselves in these very arbitrary and hurtful stereotypes about gender - the same stereotypes tha help set our children up to be pertetrators and victims.


Yeah, my son likes to play with swords AND wear princess dresses. When he goes to preschool, he sometimes likes to play in the mud with the boys, or the loft, playing house with the girls. The girls usually try to kick him out (ages 3-5) can be as cliquey and mean and the girls usually point and laugh (and encourage others to do the same - they are only 4!!!) if he is wearing a girls costume.

Meagan - I couldn't agree with you more. It's everyone's job to teach their children (boy OR girl) to be respectful of each other. It doesn't just fall on the mothers of boys laps.

Keysmama - that father sounds like an idiot! And that's the problem - the parents. My DH or I would not have allowed that sort of behavior or laughed it off.

I have not read the read you are referring to (and don't plan to.) I'm sorry that you find yourself in the position of needing to research this, but DH & I were talking about the same exact thing tonight... that we also have to talk to our little boy (and prepare him somehow) against predators.

When DH was a child, a music teacher tried to touch him. He locked himself in the bathroom and was unharmed. This problem not only affects girls, but boys too.

I can understand why you feel your daughters are more vulnerable. But all children are.

My mom was a widow raising two daughters... and was so paranoid about this... she enrolled us in Karate classes at ages 10 & 12. I was 12. I * hated * every minute of it.

I'm sure there are books on this topic... I think the most important thing is to teach girls (or boys) that my body belongs to me.... give them the tools/words/inner strength to stand up to ANYBODY (run, call for help, tell someone) that makes them feel uncomfortable. Isn't there a book called PROTECTING THE GIFT by Gavin Becker?

A lot of kids are scared to tell adults anything... we have to teach kids that secrets that make you feel bad, aren't good secrets to keep, etc..

10 - boy
5.5 - girl
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#22 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 01:55 AM
 
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It is really late, and I am about to go to bed, so I haven't read all the posts here, so forgive me if I repeat anything.

I am a mother of 2 boys. I raise them the same way I would raise girls if I had them (except for teaching them how to stand and pee). I want them to have respect for ALL people, regardless of gender. I want them to understand personal boundaries and compassion and feel empathy towards everyone.

At one time, boys were taught that they shouldn't hit girls or people with glasses or people that were handicapped.....and so on. I think that line of teaching is total crap. They should be taught not to harm ANYONE unless that person poses a direct and unavoidable physical threat. I think singling out girls and other groups perpetuates a feeling that these people are signifigantly different, and that can lead to detachment, which does not foster compassion. People are people, end of story.

When this teaching was the norm, it was usually also taught that a boy who wouldn't fight or play rough was a wimp. This is NOT an idea I want instilled in my boys. I want them to respect other boys boundaries and expect their own to be respected.

I think the OP failed to recognize one other critical point, men are NOT the only ones abusing these girls. Women can be abusers, too. ALL CHILDREN should be raised to respect others regardless of gender or any other factor.

BTW, my 3.5 yo DS wants to be a mommy and nurse his babies, and he feels sad for Daddy that he can't do that. As far as he is concerned, the only difference between men and women he sees is that "Mommies have boobies and Daddies have pee-pees" (he explained this to me when he was barely 2.)
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#23 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 03:04 AM
 
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and I have 2 girls and a boy. I don't raise them differently but teach them all to respect other peoples boundaries. The most important concept I think to teach kids is NO MEANS NO! I was glad I had my son last because one of my most hated behaviors is older sibs who haze their younger sibs, especially a boy hazing a girl. It is just is that same kind of foreshadowing thing about abuse. And since my son is the youngest I felt better that he at least wouldnt be doing a whole lot of bullying early on or just rough play against a much younger smaller dd. My dh's family (8 kids) had quite a bit of that and some of the girls were pretty tramautized by it.

Basically, it helped me to view it as a "personal space" "control of my own body" and RESPECT FOR SELF AND OTHERS (our family mantra) issue instead of a sexual one. I dont want to read too much into things like the OP's sock incident. It may have raised reg flags for a sexual scenario later on in your mind but basically if it had been another girl grabbing the socks, would it have seemed sexual to you? Doubtful. I would take it for what it is, more of an issue of control overs one's own body and he definitely crossed that line and did not respect your dds personal space/personal boundaries. And it is important to make him and her (and his parents too!) understand that. I firmly preach "NO MEANS NO" to my own and other people's children even if something started as play and then made someone uncomfy. I even had to get that across to dh with rough wrestling/tickle play with the kids when they would start to seem overwhelmed and he wasnt getting it. So if you encourage them to say NO when they want to and also to RESPECT NO when it is said to them it can go along way to making them be aware of their and others' personal space and comfort and ownership of their own body.
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#24 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 03:19 AM
 
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It's late here, I wish I could read all the replies...I am the mother of two boys and a girl. My husband and I were just having this conversation today after seeing a billboard just blocks from our house that has a picture of a bikini clad woman straddling a motorcycle. The billboard reads "Win her", it's a contest to win (I'm assuming) the motorcycle, but made to seem as if your going to win the woman. This is gross on so many levels and I feel enraged every time I see the stupid billboard. But, I realize that this is the world we live in and my children will see stuff like this on a regular basis. So, we will talk to them about it, ask questions like "what do you think of that picture?", "what do you think the advertiser is trying to say here?". I think merely pointing out to them that this is objectifying the woman and what that means, is a big step in the right direction. When I see women allowing themselves to be objectified, it makes me sad for them. I DON'T want my daughter to need that kind of validation. I DON'T want my sons viewing women as objects. Talking about it will be our strategy.

DS 12 DS 9 DD 6
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#25 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 10:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Ladies thank you all so much for your heartfelt replies. I see a common thread in all of you that you don't raise your boys with the old attitude of "boys will be boys". I love it! My girls love having their boy cousins over because like another poster said , they go straight for the stroller and the play kitchen and the dress up box. And I am certainly raising my girls to find nothing wrong with boys playing with 'girl' toys, and vice versa. My girls have a hotrod collection, lego and other typically marketed 'boy toys'.
I think breaking gender barriers is very important, as well as the modeling, positive parenting and nurturing.
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#26 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 01:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by megandavidson
Girls can also be very mean to other children and certianly are as guilty of gender-based harrassment in the schools (part of my research). It is often girls who are quick to point out that boys are not allowed to do (like play with dolls), not just other boys. I think that we ALL need to teach our chilren to be respectful of each other, to be accepting, and to know that there are all sorts of boys and girls (and other forms of gender-differnt people) and that that is a wonderful thing.

When I have asked DS1 for names of children calling him crybaby it's almost always the girls. At field day one of the girls in line behind him started on him, I could tell because he hunched his shoulders and started yelling, "I am NOT a crybaby!" I stood and looked at her and she sort of looked over her shoulder at me. I raised an eyebrow and said, to her, "Can we be kind to each other, please?" :
I have to wonder what kind of home situation this child is in.
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#27 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 01:41 PM
 
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I agree with all you great moms. I think we need to develop a new concept of "manhood" for our sons to aspire to. To see that their dads can be strong and build things, but also cook oatmeal and diaper babies (using dh as an example). But while we encourage the nuturing aspects of our sons we need to acknowledge and respect their "boyishness" as well. My ds loves sticks and tools and is the typical boy while at the same time loving to dress up or hold a doll (thanks to dd). I raise my dd and ds the same, while respecting the things that make them unique as a person as well as a gender. Ds is very physical (dd too) but they both know that it is never okay to use force on someone unless you are defnding yourself or someone else from physical attack. I also make sure they have the tools to defend themselves. I also feel the need to provide meaningful rights of passage (wilderness experience, travel, etc) for both my kids for when they approach adulthood, like how Joseph Campbell talk about a particularly grueling right of passage into adulthood for males in a traditional society, and how after you did that "you knew you were a man". I think men in our culture are for the most part at a loss about what it means to be a man, what their role is, and I am not talking about 50's ideals but a more holistic approach. And of course, my children need to be protected from abuse in any form (from men, women or other children) and from the images and stereotypes about the sexes perpetuated by our society. I don't know if that made any sense, kind of a ramble, but it is the best I can articulate on little sleep.
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#28 of 49 Old 05-16-2004, 02:03 PM
 
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Originally Posted by megandavidson
Yes, 1 in 3 girls will survive sexual assualt AND SO WILL 1 in 5 BOYS. Clearly violence and assualt are of concern for all parents. But, as the mother of a boy, I know tha 95% of these perpetrators are male, so I am concerned. As another poster said, many of those who are violence have been abused themselves.
Awesome post, Megan, and everyone else's too! I'm really getting a lot out of this thread.

I wanted to point out, though, that just because 1 in 3 women (worldwide) will be sexually assaulted as well as 1 in 5 men, that doesn't mean that 1 in 3 or 1 in 5 boys will grow up to be sexual assailants. Many, if not most assailants are repeat offenders. So your typical preschool is not filled with cute little boys just waiting to grow up to be rapists and molestors, an implication that perhaps it would have been possible to take away from some posts on certain threads. I think this is perhaps why it's easy for mothers of boys (like myself) to get our hackles up.

Which is not to deny that we live in a culture that to a great extent fosters the conditions that make sexual abuse and violence so common. But there is not a 1:1 ratio of victims:assailants out there.

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#29 of 49 Old 05-17-2004, 12:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by tracymom

When I have asked DS1 for names of children calling him crybaby it's almost always the girls
certainly any child who pokes fun is not getting the best examples at home, I would agree. I sense from a couple of posts though that the "well, girls are mean" might be a whole other topic! My concern , and the OP was to protect women against violence and how to raise good boys to break that cycle. Certainly all children need to be kind, and it can certainly start there. And I am well aware of commentary ( elsewhere) to suggest that men are driven to abuse on women because the women drove them to it. I'm not into blaming the victim. It seems like displacing responsibility.
I also think if you ask any child who torments them at school, it is likely a child of the opposite sex. Certainly the case with who makes my 2 girls cry at school.
Quirky, I agree about it not being a 1:1 ratio of victims and assailants. I hope I never suggested that, I know better than that after 8 years in law enforcement. Usually 1 rap sheep covers dozens of victims ( of any crime).
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I think we need to develop a new concept of "manhood" for our sons to aspire to. To see that their dads can be strong and build things, but also cook oatmeal and diaper babies
I love that!
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#30 of 49 Old 05-17-2004, 01:15 PM
 
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I personally am far, far more worried about my son BEING abused than about my son being a potential abuser. After all, the second usually comes in some roundabout way from the first, so if we can prevent the first, we've done most of our job already. And I'm not seeing how very many boys who grow up learning to interact positively within their families are going to become abusers. This is basically our approach to the issue for both our son and our daughter.

Mama, homeschooler, midwife. DD (13yo), DS (11yo), DD (8yo), DD (3yo), somebody new coming in November 2013.

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