Having a newborn for the second time around, I find myself wondering what on earth non-attachment parents do with their babies all day? When my first was this age I really didn't know anything about any parenting ideology, and I feel like the only difference between what I did then vs. now is my level of acceptance. I basically just did whatever necessary to keep her from crying - holding her all the time, sleeping with her, letting her nap on my lap, etc. I tried like heck to put her down, get her to sleep in her crib (next to my bed), look presentable, keep my house clean...and just spent lots of time feeling exhausted and inadequate. Is that basically what things are like for non-attachment parents or young babies? Or do the babies really just spend a lot of time alone and crying?
I think that a lot of non-AP parents spend a lot of time trying to keep their baby happy, and trying to catch a cat nap here and there. I suspect there is a lot of gray between died in the wool AP parents, and extreme Ezzo style sleep training parents. Most parents are some where in the middle -- not wanting to leave their baby to cry, but feeling like a bit of a schedule would be good for all involved.
I was open about the fact that my babies slept with me. On a visit to my in-laws, everyone acted like I was crazy and creating little monsters. But 3 of my sister-in-laws told me in private that they let their children sleep with them when they were little and were having trouble settling. They all just kept it a secret from each other.
I'm not sure that most people are leaving little babies to cry but I think a lot of babies spend a lot of time in swings/bouncers/cots etc. And the *goal* is that they do that, so stress arises when the baby doesn't want to be put down.
I had this conversation with one of my patient's partner just recently. He was very concerned that their newborn not become "dependent" on them. I believe that this is a genuine concern for many people. That they are doing their baby a disservice by not "teaching" it to be independent from birth.
I think us vs. them AP/non-AP labeling does no one any favors.
I was in the middle when my kids were small, particularly my son - I started a grad program when he was ten weeks old. He went to daycare, I went to school. On the school side, I looked like an incredibly dedicated AP parent, and on the home side, I was a fan of anything that might help us out. I couldn't hold him all the time we were home - I needed to eat, sleep and do homework. But we had some nice times where I sat next to his playmat and studied.
Over the years, I have seen what's considered AP get more prescriptive and more labor intensive. It used to be that you were AP if you responded when your baby cried. Now, it seems like you have to wear your baby all the time in the exact correct kind of wrap, exclusively breast feed, delay solids, sleep with the baby, and provide the appropriate comfort before the baby ever draws breath to cry.
Non-AP parents aren't aliens. Most of them are doing what AP parents used to be known for - they figure out what works for their kids, and do that.
Chiming in with the crowd to agree that I think we're all about the same. ;-) I think there are some key things that AP helps support parents on if that's what works for their family (extended BFing, co-sleeping, baby wearing, gentle sleep solutions, and etc.) but I think a lot of parents who do not identify with AP are doing these things too...and even if they aren't they're still totally concerned with their child's well being.
The reason I think I identify with the AP ideology is because it can help us not feel shame when we're doing the things necessary to meet our babies needs. I can't tell you how many parents who don't ID as AP tell me that they "secretly" co-sleep with their babies. It feels like EVERYONE I know. Another way I think the AP label can be helpful is because it can take away some of the anxiety about nurturing independence. I think a lot of parents think you have to do something beyond meeting an infant's or baby's needs in order for them to be move towards independence. The tendency we all have to worry that we've "broken" our baby is a shame. ;-) AP can help alleviate this anxiety, IME.
So, yea, if your sentiment is "Are we really that different?" because you observed that you didn't really parent all that differently before you knew about AP, I agree. I didn't know about AP before I had my first. I just parented the way that felt good to me...and low and behold, I realized that it was a "thing". Even 13 years later the only real use I have for AP is that it's a handy label or code word for a lot of the things that have worked well for me and my kids. And, yea, it can give "permission" to do the things that feel right in times that society frowns upon various things.
you observed that you didn't really parent all that differently before you knew about AP, I agree. I didn't know about AP before I had my first. I just parented the way that felt good to me...and low and behold, I realized that it was a "thing".
Funny story: I had never heard of APing when I had my first child. We relocated for my DH's job when she was about 6 months old. I was looking for some sort of "mommmy" group to join so I could meet people and I saw and ad for an "Attachment parenting support." I called to find out what it was, and low and behold, there was a name for responding to my baby's cues and being committed to gentle discipline. That was the group where I discovered Mothering mag.
The divide may get wider as kids get older. I do not see a great deal of gentle parenting in the wider community.
And, I have to say, it is not uncommon for me to see newborns in outward-facing prams, wailing, while the person pushing the pram shops. And by "shops" I do not mean struggles to the checkout, toddler under one arm, trolley with weeks worth of groceries in one hand, pram in the other.
This is just my philosophical observation but I find the divide more noticeable the less I know someone. There are certainly times when I either observe or read about a stranger and wonder what the heck is going on in this world. But when I get close to people, even a little close it seems like the divide is small.
Also, in my experience, parenting should become much more individuated and reflective of the individual child as they get older. To some extent infants have fairly similar needs, yk? As kids get older, some real diversity comes in with what they need in terms of parenting. So, where you see some divide may actually be at its core the same -- parenting according to a child's needs.
Of course as kids get older we get into punitive discipline and the discussion of whether that is ever appropriate...sigh. That is a fairly harsh divide, for me personally. Where I would happily talk to a parent about the pros and cons of co-sleeping, baby wearing or the buggie, and etc. I don't think I could neutrally talk about the pros and cons of corporal punishment. So, yea, the divide certainly changes as kids get older.
When I responded, I was mostly responding to the first question asked by OP - which was wondering what non AP parents did all day. She seemed to be implying that non-AP was somehow less of a time investment or gave more "free time" to parents but I do not think that is necessarily true.
Let consider the newborns in strollers/prams wailing…is that somehow less of time investment than carrying the baby? I don't think it is. It probably takes the same amount of time as walking around while holding the baby (although I cannot stand to hear a baby, and for me strolling with a crying baby would feel like it took much longer than carrying a more content baby)
Older kids, too…I know some decidedly un-AP parents who spend a lot of time (more than I did, and I was/am APish) schelpping kids to this activity or another.
I do not think how much free time a parent has comes down to whether you are AP or not. We could make a checklist….nursing takes more time, but some women can nurse and sleep….that sort of thing, but I suspect how much free time a parent has comes down to things like does the family have a dependable community that helps out, the childs temperment, the parents temperment, self imposed expectations around things such as housework and/or sclepping kids places and health.
She seemed to be implying that non-AP was somehow less of a time investment or gave more "free time" to parents but I do not think that is necessarily true.
Side-stepping what NML was implying (because the question seemed to be more about her own experiences), "AP" was the less time-consuming choice for me as a parent. Over the years I've heard stories of stressed-out AP parents or parents who had some list that they wanted to stick to, which caused them stress. For me, AP was the easy way. Actually, it's the 3-5 year period where I needed to adjust to the fact that my child's wants were no longer perfectly aligned with her needs that was hardest for me.
But I wonder if how hard it is comes down to what sorts of fatigue we're more prone to. I don't tend to mind physical fatigue or fatigue related to lack of sleep. I mean, yea, it sucks but I can live with it. But emotional or intellectual fatigue really gets me. I never over thought infant care. Just give them whatever they want. It was easy for me (neither of mine had any special needs). But setting boundaries, having a routine, modeling good behavior, being kind but firm...all the things that both my older toddlers needed - wow, so hard for me. Later on in childhood where I felt my role was more facilitator, I returned to feeling energized and secure as a parent.
I agree with you too on free time and that having more to do with disposition. A while back MDC had a great thread on after-school activities. I think the perspective I had that kids with lots going on meant the parent was sacrificing a lot for their kids - because that's how it would feel for me. Reading that thread allowed me to realize that some people (adults/parents) really thrive in that sort of fast-paced environment.
Just from the perspective of parenting babies, the AP toolbox saves/d me alot of time. Co sleeping, babywearing, breastfeeding...these are also time saving devices for me. I really cant fathom having to deal with another room/crib, and dealing with bottles. I certainly use a stroller, but babywearing was a life saver for me, and i so glad i had the opportunity to learn it!
Parenting is challenging, and time consuming, no matter how you choose to do it.
This turned into quite the discussion while I was gone this weekend. I should clarify the reasons for my original post:
I definitely suspect that a Venn diagram of AP and non-AP parenting would be almost completely overlapping circles in terms of what parents actually do. I think the overlap would lessen quite a bit when looking at what parents think they should be doing. The AP identifiers feeling no qualms about holding their babies all day, nursing to sleep, cosleeping, the "regular" parents feeling shame about doing these things. It makes me so sad to think of all the mothers out there stressing out about doing the things that make life easier for mom and baby.
I wrote this post after reading the comments section of a Blog page about the EASY schedule for babies. Woman after woman posted worries about their babies not being able to exactly follow the routine and getting so stressed about the technicalities. I got so angry about the prevalence of people - experts and acquaintances alike - who make women feel like they're raising their babies wrong.
Then I got to thinking about all the warnings people give - you're going to spoil him by holding him too much, he has to learn to self-soothe, etc. So what I really want to know is what the "commenters" envision us doing with our babies. If they cry when they're not held, do we leave them endlessly to wail in a bouncy seat? Do we let them cry it out days after birth? Do we refuse to feed them when they ask just because it's not on schedule? And did these critical grannies even really follow this advice themselves or were they clandestine co sleepers too?
That's kind of the angle I was curious about. What is the ideal baby day like from the perspective of women who think we're spoiling our babies and whatnot, and does anybody truly parent that way?
This, to me, is the only value of AP (as a label/grouping of parting practices). And, my experience is very different from the people feel oppressed by AP. When I get close to people it seems like a lot of AP resonates with a lot of parents - it's the "permission" to parent this way that is sometimes lacking.
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